Saturday, November 9, 2024

The House on Laura Anne Drive, Poltergeist Lite

Yeah...about a tenth as scary as 1982's "Poltergeist."  Things moving around slightly. A dress falls off a bed. A short nightmare about maggots.  A hint that someone or something may be in the house. Yawn!  Minor league as far as horror movies go.  So why watch this low-budget film? Two reasons. This film stars Natalie Brienen...babe! She'll even give us a nice bikini scene, completely irrelevant to the story.  The second reason. Did I imply this film was not scary.  Ha!  Just stick with it until the horrific and taboo ending. Then all non-scary descriptors will flush down the toilet and suddenly it will be a film that may give you nightmares.  Did I mention Ms. Brienen in a bikini? Today we look at 2024's "The House on Laura Anne Dr.," directed by Joseph Mazzaferro.

Okay, we don't know what happened but cute couple Jay (Stephen Lewis) and Ava (Briennen) move into a nice Florida house after some tragedy. A house on Laura Anne Drive. What is the tragedy and who is Laura Anne? No spoilers, but the answers to those questions will make you cringe. Ava does not work. She sits home all day. Why?  You'll find out. Jay loves Ava and is trying to be a good and supportive husband. Then it appears Ava is going crazy, at least to Jay. She is hearing noises and responding to phantom knock on the front door.  I know...hardly the type of horror that will shock you. Just wait.

Then a couple weeks later Ruth (Jann Van Dyke), an elderly neighbor shows up. She seems friendly and even sent Jay and Ava a nice gift basket.  She also knows the history of the neighborhood and the house.  The history is icky and Ava is not happy to hear about it.  More creepy stuff...then some unsettling stuff... then the real horror begins. We like Ava, probably because she is quite a dish. Now we see she may be in danger from something hardly harmless.

Just why does Ava not work and just hang around waiting for strange noises? What is the deal with this house and just who is Laura Anne...and why name a street after her?  With a short bikini scene, if this film is ever remade with a bigger budget, would we get a gratuitous shower scene? Stick with this one until the end and you will be glad you watched "The House on Laura Anne Dr."  

Thursday, November 7, 2024

The Model, Runway Models Behaving Badly

Every girl's dream.  Move to Paris and become the face of Chanel. Gag me with a spoon! These undernourished skanks deserve our scorn and ridicule. Our "protagonist" today is a sultry teen who does just this.  What follows is what I believe a pretty accurate character study of Paris' new top model. Today we look at 2016's "The Model," directed by Mads Matthiesson.

Teen beauty, Emma (Maria Palm), who we assume is 18, loves making out with her BF Frederik (Marco Ilso). She is a great kisser. She leaves all this and flies to Paris with a job in a modeling firm. She'll initially meet with humiliation and failure as Marcel (Virgile Bramly) finds her some good jobs. She moves into a weird flat with another aspiring model roommate, Zofia (Charlotte Tomaszewska). They will be naked a lot. Emma is a quick learner and rebounds to seduce an influential photographer, the hunk Shane (Ed Skrein). Poor Shane, he's infatuated with this psycho in the making. Poor Emma, she thinks he really loves her. Now Emma will succeed and quickly grace the covers of Vogue and Harper's Bazaar. Has anyone ever read those two mags? Uh oh...Shane gets bored.  Why do women expect their guys to be one-woman guys?  Well, the supposed 18 year old gets clingy and unappealing.

The relationship takes a hit when Shane has pre-marital sex with his old GF and Emma screws a Chanel exec in the pool.  Great scene, sure, but not activities that promise fidelity.  Now on Shane's bad side, Emma tries everything to get him back.  Catfights and knife violence follow...as well as some uncomfortable deviant sex with weirdos. Now Emma dives straight into depravity and her new plan is ultra-depraved. This supposed 18 year old is growing up fast, and she better if she plans on seeing her 18th birthday.  Oh!  The ending!  Horrific. You'll ask "what just happened!?" Please...you will know what just happened, don't be naive.

Will Emma succeed in Paris without Shane's help?  Will Shane and his new women survive Emma's coming wrath?  Would these Paris models benefit from finding a boob job surgeon and perhaps an occasional smile?  Ooh!  I didn't just ask that. Damn autocorrect!.  See "The Model" and feel really slimy afterwards.  

Tuesday, November 5, 2024

The Brain, The Rich Always Live On

In 1953 a creepy but effective horror film came out called "Donovan's Brain."  That movie was created out of the same screenplay as today's British film, 1962's "The Brain."  Both black and white films dwell on the same subject.  Both do it swimmingly well.  Today's entry is a dark one without humor or wit with a bunch of characters that are all unlikable. Let us delve into this Freddie Francis film that does differentiate itself from the former one in the second half.

Max Holt, an evil international financier is murdered when a bomb goes off on his private jet.  Who would want to murder him?  Everyone that knew him.  Wait!  He survives the explosion and crash.  Kind of.  Mad scientist Dr. Peter Corrie (Peter van Eyck), his assistants Frank (Bernard Lee) and the sultry Ella (Ellen Schwiers) hear about the crash and race to the site. There, Peter detects a pulse from Max Holt and brings him back to his lab.  Uh oh...Peter has an ulterior motive for treating him. Max is going to die soon.  The cops are on the way, this trio did call them. See, Peter is experimenting in keeping a brain alive after the body dies.  Max does die and Peter and his assistants remove the brain, put it in a tank, sew the head back up, and give the corpse to the cops when they arrive.

Now Max live son...kind of.  His brain is still working in the big fish tank. Uh oh...it telepathically communicates to Peter. Actually it possesses him. Now Peter, at times, is indeed the evil industrialist trying to solve his own  murder.  Peter goes to Max' mansion and meets his sultry daughter, Anna (Anne Heywood), and lunatic son Martin (Jeremy Spencer). Both hated Max. Max and Peter's body goes to chat with his business associates and lawyers, all had motive to murder him. Peter is handsome and persuasive, even without being possessed by Max. He finds Max' old mistress, Marion (Maxine Audley). Marion is about to tell him the secret of this mystery but is murdered in mid-sentence.  This happens again and again leaving the mystery unsolved.  Now Peter, or Max, become more persuasive and soon he appears to be onto his own killer.

Everyone in this film is the bad guy. The women in the film are all sultry brunettes. Martin, the artist, is certifiable but kind of lovable. Will Max solve his own murder or be  murdered again? Will Peter get it on with Anna in her period of fake mourning? Is the real killer necessarily an evil character, or did Max have it coming? Creepy and deep.  The ending will leave you with some important moral questions. See "The Brain," and then go see "Donovan's Brain." Two outstanding films.    

Sunday, November 3, 2024

Red Velvet, Telling a Slasher Story

Little Elliott isn't so cute anymore. The little kid from "E.T." is all grown up and Drew Barrymore isn't even in his scope. Today we look at a fine slasher film, though it is a film that will not receive much love.  True, experienced horror-philes will see exactly where this one is going. However, the babe factor is off the charts and the prurient element in this slasher film is sky-high, too.  In one of those "what's real and what isn't films, there will be plenty of gore and deviant sex. Today's feature is 2008's "Red Velvet," directed by Bruce Dickson.

Aaron (Henry Thomas) is frustrated. He's trying to concentrate but his neighbors, the sultry Linda (Kelli Garner) and her BF Kyle (Jordan Hagan) are having another knock down drag out fight. Linda runs off with her laundry to the laundromat. Aaron follows and meets her there. He is ticked at her and the two seem to detest one another. Eventually, Aaron realizes Linda is quite a dish and offers her lunch at a neighboring Thai restaurant. At the restaurant, the duo have a hot Asian waitress (Dina Morishita). No more about her other than her role is hardly insignificant. The two are sarcastic with one another and Aaron lets Linda know he is a good story teller. Linda tells Aaron that she should be at a b-day party at a secluded mountain lake with all her hot friends. Aaron then, with goading from Linda, makes up a story of that party she is missing.

Aaron concocts a slasher story, and a brutal one. There will be gory murders, skinny-dipping, sweaty deviant sex, and imaginative kills. Linda's hot sister Pat (Cristen Coppen) seems to star in his story. Other babes are Amy (Natalia Baron), and Jenny (Michele Nordin). The b-day party is for Pat's maybe BF Frank (Bret Roberts), who may be gay...don't ask. There are a few more hunks, none will fare well. There will also be a crocodile in one heck of a kill scene. The babes will get sweaty and naked fast. Aaron realizes Linda needs cheering up and a dose of self-confidence.  Linda is vulnerable and fears returning to an abusive BF back at her apartment. Sexual tension erupts between the two neighbors.  Then...well, it'll surprise most of you.

Will Linda pay dearly for developing a liking to her obnoxious neighbor?  Just what is Aaron's real attraction to his hot neighbor?  Is what is going on at the mountain lake really a fictionalized story? You'll see.  Kelli Garner is sultry in her role as the vulnerable Linda and Henry Thomas is unhinged as the grouchy neighbor.  For a prurient, gory, and naked-babe filled slasher film see "Red Velvet."    

Friday, November 1, 2024

Amuck! Sexual Deviance and Murder

Giallo! Can't beat it.  It's allure.  It's gore.  It's bad dubbing. It's sweaty nakedness. The most beautiful of Europe's Euro-Babes die so horribly in these films, many times in states of undress and in the throes of carnal relations. Today we have a classic Giallo film hitting all the tropes.  Our feature today is 1972's "Amuck!" This film, directed by Silvia Amadio, relies on deviant sexual practices and orgies...much like today's Washington, DC power brokers and Big Hollywood.

Greta (Barbara Bouchet) gets a job as the secretary for novelist Richard (Farley Granger). She's a doll!  Loves wearing tight stuff and miniskirts.  Richard has a nymphomaniac, bisexual wife, Eleanora (Rosalba Neri).  She takes a lustful liking to Greta. Okay, Greta is on a personal mission.  Her bestie Sally (Patrizia Viotti) was the former secretary of Richard and went missing while in his employment.  She sent Greta letters hinting at sexual deviance and being pulled into bacchanal lifestyles. Greta wants to find out what happened to her friend...and is also very aroused and curious about this bacchanal lifestyle hinted at by Sally. Early on, Eleanora will drug Greta, undress her, and have wild lesbian sex with Greta.  Is Greta a willing participant?  Richard also seems to fall in love with her.

Greta snoops and soon Richard and Eleanora realize she has a motive apart from typing up Stuart's manuscripts.  Eleanora will include Greta in orgies and even invite a brute fisherman (Petar Martinovitch) who loves strangling babes. Eleanora displays a sensual side toward Greta and Greta allows her, either figuring information will be gotten from her easier...or she likes it. Richard feeds Greta clues in the form of his manuscripts, or is he just luring Greta to her doom?  The nakedness, bacchanal carnality, and murder will explode off the screen.

Does Greta really want to solve her buddy's disappearance or is she looking to join a bacchanal lifestyle? Will Eleanora or Richard try to murder Greta while in the throes of passion? Just what necessitated Sally's disappearance?  This one will send you to the showers.  Erotic as any Giallo offering, "Amuck!" highlights the attributes, all the attributes, of Ms. Neri and Ms. Bouchet nicely.

Wednesday, October 30, 2024

Cinderella's Revenge, Fairy Tale Slasher

Okay, Natasha Henstridge is an ageless beauty. The sultry star of "Species" and "Ghost of Mars" is the Fairy Godmother in today's feature. She has a wand, will summon Elon Musk and Vidal Sassoon, and corrupt Cinderella into becoming a mad slasher. The Prince will have a few surprises coming when he seeks the owner of a glass slipper left at his ball...very erotic surprises, too. Intrigued?  Today we look at 2024's "Cinderella's Revenge," directed by Andy Edwards.

Cinderella (Lauren Staerck) is beset by an evil stepmother, Katherine (Stephanie Lodge), and two brutal step sisters, Rachel (Megan Purvis) and Josephine (Beatrice Fletcher). As the film begins, Katherine has murdered Cinderella's dad (Mike Kelson). Now Cinderella is an abused servant, ripe for torture and whipping. The Prince (Darrell Griggs) sends invites to every nubile babe in the kingdom. He will throw a ball and select a wife from the talent pool that shows up. Rachel and Josephine will attend, as will their mother. Cinderella is left home to do chores...enter the Fairy Godmother.  Miss Henstridge portrays a contemporary Fairy Godmother and summons up history's best fashion designers to design Cinderella's wardrobe and even Elon Musk to drive her to the mall in an EV.

Cinderella captures the affections of the Prince, but Katherine and her two daughters are seething mad. Midnight arrives, and Cinderella has to run away.  Once Katherine and the evil step sisters arrive home, they torture and pummel Cinderella. Enter the Fairy Godmother with an idea.  Revenge.  Bloody revenge. The babe fairy provides the means and now Cinderella's enemies are shredded.  Gutting, disembowelment, and pummeling await the wrath of everyone's favorite fairy tale damsel. This one will get quite gory.  The ending? Ha!  You can figure it out, especially if you know the fairy tale.  There is one not quite slight deviation. What happens in the marital bed after the wedding will leave you wincing and aroused.

Do Katherine, Rachel, or Josephine have a prayer at making it to the end credits?  How can we get fairy godmothers like Natasha Henstridge?  Did the Prince bite off more than he could chew in selecting a Cinderella coming to terms with her...dark side?  This one is a lot of fun and not too different from the actual fairy tale, before it was toned down for children.  See "Cinderella's Revenge" and enjoy Natasha Henstridge.

Monday, October 28, 2024

Below, Young Love and a Bull Shark

I know, this one won't get a lot of love. I'll just say it...I loved this film!  An outlandish plot. A big shark that eats a lot of people. Bikini babes. Hunks (well, a bit milquetoast, but we'll call them "hunks").  A love story between a hot blonde and a dweeb.  As improbable as this plot may be, it is infinitely more probable than those wretched "Star Wars" films...and that stupid "Mandalorian" garbage. Our film today is 2023's "Below," directed by Robin Christian.

All right!  Here goes. Lance (Logan Borsari) is a dweeb.  He's trying, and not very well, to use SCUBA gear in a remote reservoir. The milquetoast hunk-wannabe spots Annabel (Audra Schildhouse) sunbathing on a raft in the middle of this lake.  She's in a nice bikini. Many years ago, at summer camp, the two were one another's first kiss...so sweet. He man's up and swims out there only to be met by her BF Nate (Garret Forster). Nate tries to humiliate Lance and does a good job. Also on the raft is Nate's friend Riley. Two other bikini babe, Dixie (Courtney Wax) and the extremely big breasted Lori (Meitar Paz) join them. Lori wants Nate and a catfight brews between her and Annabel.

The shark arrives.  It eats Riley and a hunter near shore.  Now it keeps feeding on anyone who is not on the raft or who falls in.  The creature rams the raft knocking babes and hunks in.  Now the raft is falling apart.  Lance tries to man up but Nate continues to humiliate him. Poor Lance, we do feel sorry for him. We do sense Annabel is developing an attraction to him as her own BF behaves so bad.  Now Lance has a chance to save the day but the odds are against him.  As all looks lost, not only will Lance man-up but the big breasted Lori will try to emerge as quite the hero or die trying.

Will Lance end up with Annabel?  Will the big breasted Lori be able to be an unlikely hero or merely part of the shark's buffet?  Will any of the other bikini babes try to wipe that smug look off Annabel's face and feed her to the predatory fish?  This is a good one with a very nice cheesecake rating.  For an underwater shark film that is a bit quirky, full of surprises, and one tremendous ending, see "Below."

Saturday, October 26, 2024

Nemesis, Cyborgs vs. The LAPD

Forget about everything about this film. Plot?  Not important.  What you need to know is that the sultry Deborah Shelton has the greatest death scene in motion picture history.  You'll see her demise and exalt, "Wow!  That's how I wanna go!" No one can look so good and so mangled at the same time. Okay, fear not, we'll talk about the plot but it won't matter.  Forget diving into an active volcano, or getting caught in the gears of a combine, or even being picked apart by rabid pterodactyls...the way Deborah Shelton goes... well, that will give one legend status.  Today we look at 1992's "Nemesis," directed by Albert Pyun.

In 2027, Alex (Olivier Gruner) is a LAPD cop. Kind of. He's 86% cyborg. His job...kill bad cyborgs. He does this at the beginning of the film but incurs the wrath of 2 babe cyborgs and two hunk cyborgs. They chase him and almost kill him. Six months later, he's rebuilt and recuperating in Baja. In Baja he kills another babe cyborg (Jennifer Gatti), a waitress serving him cerveza. Along come two babe cyborgs, Jared (Marjorie Monoghan) and Sam  (Marjean Holden). We gather Alex and Jared are old lovers. Don't ask. Now the plot gets complicated when the LAPD Commissioner, Farnsworth (Tim Thomerson) sends him on a mission to capture Jared. Yep, Jared has gone rogue...kind of. Oh yes, Alex has a nuke planted in his heart and it will detonate when he gets close to Jared.

What?  Yeah, I know...don't ask. Off to Java to find Jared...instead he finds Julian (Shelton). What Julian tells him will be shocking but not nearly as shocking as what is about to happen to this babe. Fresh from a nude scene, what is done to Julian will change your life. You think Joan d' Arc had a dramatic death... you haven't seen nothing yet.  Okay, Alex meets another babe, Max Impact (Merle Kennedy). Max may be human but holds the key to human survival against the cyborgs. She's perky and playful and we can see Alex falling in love with her. Now cyborg Farnsworth and his henchmen arrive in Java to kill Alex and all the humans. Oh, I should mention the machine gun fights. There are more machine gun rounds fired in the movie than there were in the Battle of the Bulge.

Being 14% human, is Alex still able to...well, you know...like if Julian walks into the room and...okay, forget this question.  Just how does Julian die?  Is there any human left who is not at least part cyborg?  This is a bang 'em up, shoot 'em up action scifi epic.  You gals will love Mr. Gruner and his abs, and you guys will love the babe cyborgs and Deborah Shelton's death scene. For an inspiring look into the year 2027, see "Nemesis."  

Thursday, October 24, 2024

The Cat and the Canary, Inheritance and Insanity

Today we have an Agatha Christie-type story.  This one even has a tinge (maybe, more of a tinge) of eroticism.  Brutal murder, comic wit, and love.  Even more important is a great cheese factor. Picture Carol Lynley, clad in a slinky negligee, in great peril. Picture Honor Blackman and Olivia Hussey as lovers. In a film in which everyone is a suspect, maniacal drama and bloody homicide rule the day.  Our film today is 1978's "The Cat and the Canary," directed by Radley Metzger.

Old geyser tycoon, Cyrus West (Wilfrid Hyde-White) dies...20 years ago. Pursuant to his will, his potential heirs are summoned for the reading of the will. He filmed himself reading the will. In the film, he announces who gets his fortune. There is a caveat.  His heir must not be insane...and must survive for the next 24 hours. The summoned cast features the lovely Annabelle (Lynley). No spoiler here...she's the rightful heir, if she can convince everyone she's not insane...and survives the night. Susan (Blackman) is a big game hunter and brings her sex toy, Cecily (Hussey) along with her to the mansion. Paul (Michael Callan) is the American who wants to be kissing cousins with Annabelle. Charlie (Peter McEnery) is the war hero. There are some more...not all will survive.

Surprise! Hendricks (Edward Fox) arrives. He is the head psychologist at an asylum for the criminally insane. He announces one of his patients, who thinks he is a cat, has escaped and is probably hiding in the mansion.  Annabelle immediately puts on a slinky nightgown and holds off the advances of Paul and Henry (Daniel Massey).  Then the executor is grabbed and horribly mangled by the escaped lunatic.  Uh oh...a secret passageway will allow the killer to enter Annabelle's bedchambers as she sleeps.  As a raging thunder and lightning storm rages, Susan and Cecily share passion, and the evil being makes a move for Annabelle.

Is Annabelle sane?  If she is, will she remain alive to collect her fortune?  Does either Paul or Henry have a shot at her?  Will a negligee clad Annabelle see to it to get into a catfight with either Susan or Cecily...or both?  Okay, that third question was gratuitous and in bad taste. For a bloody and erotic good time, with some very erotic fashion statements by Carol Lynley, see "The Cat and the Canary."

 

Tuesday, October 22, 2024

The Satanic Rites of Dracula, Christopher Lee Battles Peter Cushing, Again

Christopher Lee was always a bit of a grouch about his film "Dracula A.D. 1972."  He called it his worst film he ever appeared in. This is a curious statement.  That late Hammer film was actually pretty good.  I have a theory.  I think Mr. Lee made a pass at Caroline Munro and she swatted him away. Ms. Munro turned in a wildly erotic scene and an erotically bloody death scene.  Her effort was stellar. So in 1973, one year later, Christopher Lee, portraying Dracula again, makes "The Satanic Rites of Dracula." A very similar film...this time without Caroline Munro. Today we look at this Hammer film also directed by Alan Gibson, which also stars Peter Cushing as Van Helsing. Maybe Mr. Gibson was also thwarted when he tried to get into Ms. Munro's tight black pants. 

Chin Yang (Barbara Yu Ling) is the hot Asian babe who leads a Satanic cult filled with England's most powerful wealthy men, military men, and government officials. She's a doll with a sacrificial dagger and she plunges that dagger into the heart of a nude blonde babe on an altar, turning her into a vampire. A gratuitous opening scene. The cult has plans. Two cops, Inspector Torrence (William Franklyn) and Inspector Murray (Michael Coles) call in Van Helsing to help. Uh oh, the cult captures Jane (Valerie Van Ost), the sultry police secretary and turns her into a vampire. Now the two inspectors, Van Helsing, and Van Helsing's grand daughter, Jessica (Joanna Lumley) investigate.  Uh oh, the corporation that owns all the properties that cult activities are taking place is owned by a mysterious tycoon, who is really Count Dracula.

Dracula has a nefarious plan. Unleash the bubonic plague throughout the world and wipe it out.  He also intends to make Jessica his bride.  Capturing Jessica brings Van Helsing and the inspectors into his mansion to face off against the sultry Chinese priestess, dozens of babe vampires, and Dracula himself. Dracula has many weapons at his disposal like thugs on motorcycles, the aforementioned vamps in the dungeon, vials of the plague, and thousands of years of cleverness.  Unfortunately for him, Van Helsing's smarts will be a worthy adversary, especially once he is determined to save his grand daughter.

The babe factor is tremendous.  The plot is gruesome especially when the plague is introduced.  Maybe not as flashy as the previous year's "Dracula A.D. 1972," but still semi-erotic and inclusive of classic Van Helsing-Dracula tropes. See "The Satanic Rites of Dracula" and try to figure out why Caroline Munro was repulsed by Christopher Lee.  

Sunday, October 20, 2024

Devil's Knight, Sword, Sorcery, Monsters, and Fair Maidens in Peril

The Mahal Brothers just keep giving us movies we actually want. In today's feature we have a myriad of slimy and deadly monsters, fair maidens in peril, big swords wielded by hunks, and of course disembowelment, severed limbs, and a weird catfight. Throw in witches, and palace intrigue...oh!  Guess what else!  Angie Everhart with the most seductive French accent ever.  If you are not in love with Angie Everhart, well, just watch this movie, and you will be.  Today we take a look at 2024's (this one premiers next month) "Devil's Knight," directed by Adam Werth.  With a cast of thousands there will be hundreds of babes and hunks thrown at you...sometimes one limb at a time, and absolutely fantastic monster effects.

Sigurd (John Wells) wanders into the campsite of some benign peasants and tells them the story of the Kingdom of Veroka sieged by monster attacks.  Even without monsters, King Samuel's (Kevin Hager) kingdom is in peril from Palace Intrigue. The Duchess of Baudicourt (Everhart) is scheming with the Monsignor (Greg Tally) to revolt and place Princess Sabine (Sarah Nicklin) in power. Sabine is quite a babe and quite the swordsmith. There is so much here so let's just skip to the monsters.  The Bone Devil has wandered out of the woods and is now eating King Samuel's loyal subjects.  The king's knights are shredded by the thing thus a rogue group of mercenaries known as The Lost Blades are summoned. Their specialty is monster hunting. Uh oh...the Duchess, the Monsignor, and Sabine have plans to betray the Lost Blades...but for what end?

The Lost Blades are led by Mathias (Robert Standley). He has a secret.  His son fights along with his men.  No surprise here, except for everyone but Sabine, Mathias' son John is actually his daughter Joan (Kim Kelly). Why is this important? A lot of reasons but for me, it is because a great catfight is set up between Sabine and Joan. Uh oh again, the Bone Devil is not the big problem, at least for now, for the Lost Blades.  Another more vicious fiend awaits inside the kingdom.  The king's men, of questionable loyalty, include Kevin Sorbo and Eric Roberts. Oh, Princess Catriona (Holland Stull)?  She'll end up being your favorite, but no spoilers here...just keep an eye on her...which won't be hard.  Okay, a cacophony of monster fighting, swordplay, fair maidens in much peril, and palace intrigue will enrapt you and not let you go.

The Mahal Brothers have put together a quasi-epic that will pull you in and bring you on a 90 minute adventure into the realm of sword and sorcery...and monsters.  Perhaps we'll be treated with the board game version of this film someday.  Whether you prefer hunk knights with big swords, fair maidens with big swords, Angie Everhart with an alluring French accent, or vicious monsters eating and pulling apart everyone, "Devil's Knight" is a film for you.  

Friday, October 18, 2024

The Asphyx, Another Stupid Mad Scientist Idea

Immortal life! Yep, just put some mad scientist on it.  What he'll come up with will be a real winner.  Always works out so well.  Yep...this will work out just fine.  What could go wrong? Hence, our film today, 1972's "The Asphyx," directed by Peter Newbrook.

Sir Hugo Cunningham (Robert Stephens) is our mad scientist.  As our film begins he brings his new fiancé to his spacious estate to meet his children.  Anna (Fiona Walker) is very attractive and sweet and does not yet know she has gotten involved with a mad scientist.  This guy has a laboratory downstairs, next to the family crypt. Anna makes a great impression on Hugo's lovely daughter Christina (Jane Lapotaire) and her fiancé Giles (Robert Powell). Also, a great impression on Hugo's son Clive (Ralph Arliss). Okay, Hugo is into photography and believes he can photograph the soul if the picture is snapped at the moment just before death. He is going to get the opportunity to fine tune this theory.  Okay, the happy family goes boating and Hugo stays ashore filming it. Horrible accidents occur and Hugo captures the deaths of Clive and Anna.  So sad.

Now Hugo is experimenting on moving pictures, this film is set in 1875. He has captured more than just the soul. He has captured some force that moves into the body just as death occurs. Idea!  A good one! Hardly.  Hugo believes if he can trap that entity from arriving at the body, the person will not die. Even better.  If he captures that entity and locks it away forever, the person will never die and have immortality. Yeah...this will go so well.  Why wouldn't it? The results are Hugo was right...he can indeed do this. Like all mad scientist breakthroughs, unintended consequences will ruin the day.  Just ask Victor Frankenstein. Now the results are gruesome and not at all happy.


Is immortality really something we should desire (at least on this side of eternity)? Once grasping immortality, does that change investment and courtship habits?  Look around you right now, do you really want anyone near you to be around forever?  This is a thought provoking horror film that becomes more gruesome than you could imagine.  See "The Asphyx," and be ready for some deep discussions.  

Wednesday, October 16, 2024

Silent Thunder, True Gritt Meets Feast

Gotta love non-woke westerns!  We have brutes with guns (pistols and rifles).  We have dancehall girls who dance and engage in carnal relations.  We have stagecoaches.  We have bank robbers and a tough U.S. Marshal bringing them in for justice. The men smell like dirty underwear and the dames smell like lavender.  Today's westerns preach to us about racism and why men should take on a more feminine demeanor. Yuck. Today we look at a non-woke 2023 western. Oh!  Did I mention the monsters?  Our feature today is "Silent Thunder," directed by Isaac Medeiros. To you snowflakes out there, there are no forced plot lines containing social justice themes.

Tough U.S. Marshal, Spencer Sunday (Ted McGinley) is bringing in two bank robbers. Both Don (Jack Lucarelli) and Quinn (Jonathan Stoddard) will face the hangman's noose.  On the way, they stop at an outpost for drink and to let the horses rest.  At this saloon the trio is told about monsters in the nearby hills that snatch sultry dancehall damsels, rape them, then eat them after they give birth to baby monsters. Guess what! Also arriving is a stage with five sultry dancehall damsels who will ply their trade at a nearby saloon. Quinn and Don plot to murder Spencer and escape with their lives. Spencer is way ahead of them. The next day, the gals set off in the same stage only to be abducted by the aforementioned monsters...or dog men. 

Yep, the dog men plan to either disembowel, and eat them, or rape them. In non woke movies, men are men. They see a babe damsel and automatically set out to save her. Thus our unlikely trio turns into a posse and follows the tracks of the dog men. What they find will be horrifying. I should talk about a couple of these dancehall dolls. Mary (Laura James) is sultry.  She seems to be the boss.  Quinn and her have a history but we're not sure if Mary wants him to be free or to be hung. Amethyst (Cassi Colvin) comes from a family of witches. She takes a liking to Spencer...and he, of course, to her. We take a liking to all five babes.  The cheesecake in this film is off the chart.  When the trio reaches the dog men and sees what they are doing and are about to do to the beauties, they act like real men.

Guns will be blazing.  Garters and undergarments will get rough workouts.  Gunfights will abound.  Dog men will do what dog men do...and it won't be pretty.  For a terrific western, with outstanding cheesecake, and no woke themes, see "Silent Thunder."

Monday, October 14, 2024

The Cyclops, One-Eyed Monster Loves Gloria Talbott

"In the kingdom of the Blind, the one-eyed man reigns supreme." A high school tennis coach told me that once. However, this Gloria Talbott film sheds some light on that maxim. Perhaps it is not the one-eyed man, but the giant tarantula, or the giant lizard monsters, or the hawk as big as a skyscraper, or the gigantic mouse that reign supreme.  Just like Fay Wray in "King Kong," Gloria Talbott will be the babe in peril.  Today we look at 1957's "The Cyclops," directed by Bert I. Gordon.

Susan (Talbott) is sad. Three years ago, her fiancé Bruce went flying into a sacred and off-limits part of the Mexican mountains and never came back. Everyone knows he's dead but Susan believes him alive and hires a few blokes to go with her and look for him. One of the blokes is Bruce's best friend who now is in love with Susan. Russ (James Craig) is a hunk scientist and is anxious for Susan to move on from Bruce and marry him. Marty (Lon Chaney, Jr.) has funded this mission with an ulterior motive. Marty believes he can strike it rich finding Uranium lodes. Lee (Tom Drake) is the daring pilot. The Mexican government forbids Susan to fly into these mountains but Lee's daring gets the party there anyway. Immediately giant lizards appear...and a giant tarantula...and, well, let's just say all those monsters mentioned above make the search a bit perilous.

Then the cyclops. 25-foot tall with a messed up face in which only one eye remains.  The thing growls and howls and chases Susan and her party into a cave.  Uh oh.  Yep.  Russ and Marty take radiation readings and conclude all life forms have had their pituitary glands messed up. Yep, the living things will just keep growing.  Even scarier, Russ makes a realization about this cyclops.  Is Susan ready to hear his theory?  Yep, you guessed it.

Is one of the reasons that Susan refuses to understand that this 25 foot monster is her husband because having a 25 foot guy in the marital bed with his giant...wait...I withdraw this question.  Is there any hope to rescue Bruce, bring him to New York, and put him on display?  Will Russ finally get lucky with Susan or will she be insistent that her husband is still alive?  Gloria Talbott is sultry and always a pleasure to see on the big screen.  The creature effects are gruesome and scary.  See "The Cyclops" and try to figure out how a 25-foot guy would perform...I didn't say that...stupid auto-correct. 

Saturday, October 12, 2024

Deranged, Necrophilia and Graverobbing

"The wages of sin is gonorrhea, syphilis, and death." So we are reminded by Ma Cobb (Cosette Lee) several times in this film.  The old bitty will also tell us all women are whores.  Let's not argue with these points, they do merit serious discussion.  Instead, let us dive into today's film.  This 1974 drive-in classic will disturb you. Yep, one of those films that if one is unstable, it'll push him over the edge to commit heinous acts of depravity.  Fortunately, in 1974, at the drive-ins, most people in the audience were making whoopee instead watching the movie.  Today, however, the insanity and derangement of the main character will remind one of the current occupant of the White House.  Our feature today, "Deranged," directed by Jeff Gillen and Alan Ormsby. Oh!  Tom Savini was a make-up artist for this film.

The unstable Ezra (Roberts Blossom) is devoted to his prudish mother.  She tells him of what evil women will do to him if he looks at them. She dies and he is upset.  Over a year later, Ezra digs his mom up from the grave, brings her back home, and restores her.  Restores her? Yep...he needs fresh skin and new limbs.  What better place to get these items than from currently alive people. Ezra then begins dating.  Hid dates will find themselves dead and contributing to the mother project. Ezra talks to his mom as if she is alive.  Once the deranged date, there is no turning back.  Interestingly enough, his first date, the fat Maureen (Marian Waldman) is just as crazy as him.  Maureen contacts the dead and tries to get the dead to tell Ezra to have deviant sex with her.  She'll die horribly.

Okay, as the film goes on, the kills get heartbreaking and gratuitous.  By the way, the more Ezra dates ugly women, the more he desires true babes.  We'll meet barmaid Mary (Micki Moore) and hardware store clerk Sally (Pat Orr).  What happens to these two, I must warn you, you will never unsee.  Be warned before putting this film on. What else does Ezra do with the dead bodies he's accumulated from his graverobbing?  Do you have to ask?

Is there any chance the lovely Sally or Mary will survive until the end of the movie?  Does Ma Cobb have a point about women?  I mean, is it a good enough point that we should probably debate the merits of her assertions?  In the interest of respecting all views, perhaps Ezra and his mother should be listened to and given a platform.  Sadly, in 1974, Ezra could legitimately be considered an insaniac.  Today, 50 years later, we elect the likes of Ezra to the highest office.  See "Deranged" if you can prepare yourself from some unhealthy imagery. 

Thursday, October 10, 2024

Maid Droid Origins, A Kinky Robot Clad in French Maid Lingerie

As soon as the Japanese invent a babe robot that looks just like a woman...well, sayonara all you Women's Studies majors. Guys are done.  At least, more and more. Dating and flirting are akin to rape in today's woke America. Just wait until men can buy a woman who is not "empowered" or "equal." It's coming.  Last year we reviewed "Maid Droid."  Now we have the prequel, 2024's "Maid Droid Origins," also directed by Rich Mallery.

Eve (Katie Kay) is the aforementioned android, created by scientist Timothy (Brian Brewer). As our film begins Eve strangles to death her owner during deviant sex.  Now Eve is on the run and finds her creator. Timothy is shocked.  He has a babe wife, Belle (Cassie Ghersi) and now he has Eve.  Eve has a bond to him, probably because he had sex with her when he first created her.  Just like a woman...can't just move on. Timothy no longer works for the company that makes these babe robots. They fired him when they caught him having sex with Eve.  Since Eve has killed, the company sends two henchmen to collect her. Hence Eddie (Chris Spinelli) and Sam (Emiko Ishii) show up. Eve is not eager to leave and offs the duo. Now Eve has killed three times...or has she? You'll see.

Belle finds a sleeping Eve in the garage and confronts her husband. The two have a kinky dom-sub relationship which has Timothy getting spanked a lot. They also feud a lot. Eve does not feud with Timothy and now Timothy is getting close to Eve. A catfight coming?  Oh yes!  Eve spends most of the film in French maid lingerie, and Belle is often in very kinky underwear or lingerie.  Timothy continues to get spanked.  Eve continues to take over Timothy's affections.  Belle decides to take matters into her own hands in dealing with the homicidal Eve.  But wait!  Yep...more twists! 

Can Eve be programmed, and Belle convinced that threesomes aren't really a bad thing?  Why is Timothy even bothering with Belle when Eve can be programmed to shut up, not nag, and be more deviant on command?  Will Belle spank Eve?  Okay, these are all prurient questions that should be disregarded.  For a film that will raise so many taboo questions, see "Maid Droid Origins."

Tuesday, October 8, 2024

Psycho Goth Lolita, Christianity vs. Satanism in Japan

Okay...the title alone will decide if you see this film.  Either you say, "Oh, yes!"  Or you say, "Garbage!" A Japanese one with bladed weapons, severed limbs that spurt out endless amounts of blood, and a nubile lass with some grudge. Anime?  Ryona?  Cosplay?  Yep, all those boxes are checked.  In what has to be the magnum opus of Rina Akiyama, in the title role, we have a weird themed Asian horror film.  One that may put forth Christian themes of salvation, atonement, and judgment (throw in forgiveness, too). Judgment?  Did someone say judgment?  Yep, and it will be bloody!  Today we look at 2010's "Psycho Goth Lolita," directed by Go Ohara.

During Yuki's (Akiyama) birthday party with her mom (Fumia Nukajima) and dad (Yurei Yanagi), a hooded gang storms in and crucifies the mom.  They leave both Yuki and her dad for dead.  Both recover but now the dad, Jiro is wheelchair bound. Jiro is a Christian minister and now Yuki is Psycho Goth Lolita.  Adorned in a black leather dress, and black leather boots, she now has a deadly umbrella made by Jiro.  The umbrella is a killing device.  The duo are committed to tracking down the mom's murderers and imposing judgment on them.  One by one, Yuki finds them.  She is a killing machine meting out God's vengeance on the fiends.  The judgments all include elongated fight scenes and incredibly gory kills complete with severed limbs and spurting blood.

Our favorite is the elongated catfight between Yuki and Elle (Misaki Momose) . The two Asian dolls could have fought all day, none of us would have complained. All this leads to a confrontation with Masato (Ruito Aoyagi).  Who is Masato and why did him and his gang crucify Yuki's sweet mother?  Uh oh!  A twist!  One that most of you will see coming.  Now Yuki will be forced to battle her inner demons and keep serving God.  Uh oh, again.  Masato was expecting the lovely warrior.  What Yuki will find will be demonic, shocking, and may spell the end of her and her quest for righteousness.

Can the Japanese population find salvation through this film?  What are Christian themes doing in this Japanese horror film with a young Ryona-type heroine and spurting blood?  Would a leather clad Asian babe serve the seeker sensitive movement nicely?  Get whatever you wish out of this film.  The imagery isn't all orthodox but certainly, our vengeful nymph with the mean umbrella is definitely on a holy crusade.  See "Psycho Goth Lolita" and don't worry about what your book club buddies think of you.