Thursday, February 29, 2024

Crocodile Swarm, Babes vs. Crocs

Crocodiles in England! No, not Rishi Sunak.  No, not Keir Starmer...or Boris Johnson...real reptiles.  Big ones with teeth! In England!  Enter babes!  Blondes...nubile ones.  Actually, today's feature is brutal and horrific, and not the feel good film of 2023.  Lovely actress Ella Starbuck met a gruesome demise in "Dinosaur Planet." So sad.  Will she fare any better as the main protagonist in "Crocodile Swarm," directed by Tyler James?  We hope so...she is a babe.

Babe Cara (Lauren Staerck) goes with a bunch of buddies into a closed off cave.  The spelunkers are happy as hunk Morgan (Tiernan Mullane) has picked the cave to propose to Cara.  She accepts.  Seconds later...the crocs come.  Dozens of big crocs have made this closed off cave their home.  The fate of Cara's buddies is a lot more gruesome than you would imagine.  The crocs don't just eat them...they savor the babes and the fiancĂ© and...well, you'll see. Cara is still alive. The biggest crocs are saving her for their next meal. Enter the sultry Sam (Starbuck), Cara's sister.  She is worried that Cara is overdue and finds five unfortunate buddies and heads to the cave to find her sister.

Being a babe in this film won't pay dividends.  It will provide a means to a horrible and tortuous death. Soon after entering the cave, the crocs attack.  Sam's BF Mike (Howard J. Davey) is along for the mission...he'll be useless.  Don (Nicholas Anscombe), who knows caves, will be equally as! Her babe friends?  Eek...the beautiful die so horribly.  Sam is determined to find Cara and will not leave until she does.  Yep, she'll have to go into the croc's lair to do this.  Then it gets more complicated.  The cave is a huge maze and no one knows where exactly they are.  The crocs are in each tunnel and are mean.  Now Cara and Sam, and the few who have not been regurgitated yet must avoid the toothy creatures and find their way out of the maze of caverns.

Is this film a metaphor for the disintegration of the Tory and Labour parties in the U.K.?  Will at least one babe survive the monsters in the cave?  Are all men in England as useless as the BFs of Sam and Cara?  This is a gritty and ominous crocodile tale, with no humor or diversion.  Just pure horror and carnage. See "Crocodile Swarm" and be ready to gasp and shriek.  

Tuesday, February 27, 2024

The Man in the Maze, Hiking in the Woods Carnage

Yep...on Spring Break, two hunks and two babes go hiking in the woods. What could go wrong? Right!  Cultural Appropriation!  Horrors!  An Indian plays an Indian!  Wait, or is that an Indian playing an Indian? Has this ever happened?  What a sign of disrespect for the Indian community.  Wait!  Does this make sense?  Not an important part of the film...and I really have no patience for the woke crowd when they scream "Cultural Appropriation," so let's move on. Today we look at 2011's "The Man in the Maze," directed by Mitesh Kumar Patel. 

Forgetting about the Indian playing the Indian, as Mumbai screams, we have two babes.  Like Marine Biology majors in college, Anthropology majors also seem to be babes. Christi (Stephanie Lomenick) is a babe with great, she has a nice smile.  Okay, her smile leaves a lot to be desired...but she does have great big...wait, let's move on to Megan (Liana Werner-Gray).  Megan is a beauty pageant queen from Australia.  The blonde is very likable, and nubile. Alex (Andrew Roth), a major league hunk is going to have no trouble swapping spit with her.  Now PT (Devlin Wilder). We like him. He's crude and knows horror films. He globs onto Christi and her Christi is disgusted by his boorish behavior. Oh, did I mention as the film begins they are in the midst of being slaughtered by a weird masked man?  I didn't?  Well, yes, they context, but that'll be filled in later.

Alex saves the day and knocks out the killer.  Instead of killing him, Alex ties the masked man to a tree.  PT reminds Alex that in horror movies, they always get loose and track down the survivors.  Yep. Now the four college kids trek into the woods trying to find their way back to the car. They are lost and going in circles.  Christi tells them of local legends, yawn, but the legend does explain a lot.  He's back?  The masked man?  No...even worse.  See the movie and find out who is back. It'll be momentarily confusing but more importantly, PT is beginning to make moves on Christi that don't get him repelled. Whatever danger the quartet was in when the film began, multiply it by ten as they will again have to battle the masked man and...and...well, you'll see.

Will PT get in Christi's pants?  Will Megan and Christi get into a catfight about Cultural Appropriation?  Will any of these great looking Spring Breakers get gutted?  This is a weird one and a little bit different.  If an Indian playing and Indian does not bother you, enjoy "The Man in the Maze." At very least the actors and actresses are terrific beef and cheese.  

Sunday, February 25, 2024

The Night of the Sorcerers, Vampires in the Jungle

I never thought I'd say this...Tomanga tries to rape Tunika!  Yes...only in Mumbasa!  Mumbasa?  Think Burkina Faso without the glitter.  Today we go into the deepest, darkest jungle of Africa with an epic Euro-Trash film from Amando de Ossorio.  Euro-Babes!  Oh yes...some really nice ones, as if there are any that are not nice.  Then, Tunika played by Kali Hansa.  Kali Hansa...redheaded Euro-Babe.  We don't know much about Kali Hansa as she shares a similar history than fellow Euro-Babe, Kuelan Herce.  Sultry, mysterious, and even today, a mystery to us.  Today we look at 1974's, from Spain, "The Night of the Sorcerers."

A hundred years ago a babe, redheaded missionary (Barbara Rey) is grabbed by zombie/vampire headhunting natives in the jungle. She'll be stripped, tied spread eagle to two trees, whipped, shoved onto an altar, and beheaded by a naked babe native girl zombie. Now the missionary is a vampire. Present day, an expedition guided by the hunk Rod (Simon Andreu) arrives near that spot. His GF is the aforementioned Tunika who gets naked a lot and wears jingle lingerie. Also on the expedition is the serious hunk professor Jonathan (Jack Taylor), sultry blonde heiress Liz (Maria Kosty), and babe photographer Carol (Loreta Tovar) who dresses in white go-go boots and a tight mini-skirt...when she is dressed. They are met by the mysterious Tomunga (Jose Thelman) who lets them know they are all in danger as a deadly sacred altar is nearby.

During the first night, we are treated to a steamy scene of pre-marital sex between Rod and Tunika. They'll undress one another and roll into the stream in euphoria. While this is happening, Carol goes into the jungle to take pictures but is grabbed and bitten by the missionary-babe vampire. Carol will then be tied to a couple trees, spread eagle, stripped, whipped, and shoved on the altar, beheaded, and made into a vampire. Now the two vampire babes go get Liz.  Can you guess Liz' fate?  There will be a lot of nakedness along the way.  Tunika will show us more passion and nudity. Now Tomunga will give in to temptation and try to rape Tunika...who in Africa wouldn't?  Now Rod figures something is wrong and is convinced that the altar is cursed.  Uh oh...Carol and Liz, and the missionary babe come to collect Tunika.  Drama well as nudity and blood.

Will Tunika survive the wrath of the babe jungle vampires?  Will hunk Rod develop a brain and figure out how to destroy the vampires and save the precocious Tunika?  Is this film a metaphor of increasing disfavor the native peoples harbor against French imperialism in the dark continent?  Erotic, trashy, and steamy...not to mention bloody, "The Night of the Sorcerers" is a perfect film to educate you about the ethos of Africa.

Friday, February 23, 2024

Amityville in Space, Gritty Reality in Our Favorite Possessed Franchise

Hey!  Jason went into space!  Leprechaun went into space!  Why not that possessed home in Amityville, New York.  I'm sure the property values are lower in space. What the Amityville Horror franchise has lacked is gritty reality.  Thanks to the Polonia Brothers, we now have it.  2022's "Amityville in Space," by Polonia Brothers Entertainment, and directed by Mark Polonia.  Plus, our favorite Catholic priest!  Not Bing Crosby, nor Max von Sydow...but Jeff Kirkendall!

Father Benna (Kirkendall) shows up at the evil and infamous house in Amityville to perform an exorcism-type thing. His goal is to send the evil demons in it back to Hell, or wherever they came from.  The exorcism-type thing meets with mixed results.  The house is sucked into space and Fr. Benna, who lost a hand during this thing, is still in it.  Now the house hovers in deep space at the mouth of a huge black hole. Enter a space vessel captained by the hunk Halstead (Titus Himmelberger). He has a good but small crew that includes space-babe Dr. Nurmi (Cassandra Hayes), Maitland (Tim Hatch) the navigator, and Jacowitz (Ryan Dalton) the weapons guy.  They arrive at the black hole with the intention of nuking it (Biden would love this mission).  They see the house and Halstead beams aboard it with Nurmi.

This does not go well.  Originally, Halstead sent a cyborg into the house but a big demon destroyed it.  In the house is Fr. Benna's severed hand ready to cause mischief, and Fr. Benna who is now in suspended animation.  They bring Benna back onto their ship and the demon also arrives on their ship.  The demon will play havoc with everyone's sanity by putting horrific hallucinations inside every crew member's head.  Now Benna wakes and tells the crew what must be done.  Back at Aquarius base, the lovely and frisky space-babe Tyse (Natalie Himmelberg) is also taken over by Amityville demons and now she works for them. The demon unleashes a big tentacled creature and another creature with a million eyes to play havoc with the crew.  Benna has an idea to rid the universe of the Amityville evil forever...but it isn't a good idea. 

After failing already on earth, will Father Benna succeed in banishing the Amityville evil forever in deep space?  Will Father Benna succeed and start Vatican 3, making the babe Tyse a priest and then marrying her?  Is this film a loose remake of that weird "Space 1999" episode in which a tentacled creature entranced space-babes and lured them in to eat them?  Who remembers that episode? For a serious take on the Amityville legend, with eye creatures, tentacles, and a malicious severed hand, see "Amityville in Space."

Wednesday, February 21, 2024

Habitual, Just Say No...or Die

Just say no!  Easy words.  Simplistic?  Perhaps.  In the 80s that weird First Lady who consulted astrologers told us this...alas, she had no credibility.  Since then, presidential administrations and our intelligence services have snuggled up to the drug cartels that poison our cities.  Fentanyl...mix it with ecstasy or cocaine...and you get death.  You also get today's that is what is going on in our horror film, 2019's "Habitual," directed by Johnny Hickey. Enjoy this metaphor of the lunacy that is the American mental health industry as personified by the picture below.

The Bridgewater Triangle.  Most non Bay Staters don't know of this geographical oddity in which strange magnetic disturbances play with sanity.  Simon (Hickey) is a total lunatic kept reasonably calm by psyche meds at the Bridgewater State Hospital...a psyche hospital. He's off his meds and escapes. Okay...some great looking Massachusetts youngsters are excited about a Rave party that will be held at a closed down asylum in Salem, Massachusetts.  To prep for the Rave, they murder the only good guy in this film, Brett (Chris "CT" Tamburello). It is a sad part of the film near the very beginning.  We'll be less sympathetic at the scores of other horrible deaths that will occur.  The youngsters mix Fentanyl with another drug and Ecstasy...then go to the Rave.  What happens next will have to be pieced together. 

The babes won't be babes for long. Ashley (Ally Doody), Kim (Dottie Daigle), Naomi (Sabrina Kennedy), Ray Ray (Brittany Baldi) and a few more seem gone even before they take the drugs.  Their existences are already ruined by their lifestyles.  Even worse, them and their BFs, Thomas (Brandon Cappiello), Blake (Stanley Bruno), and Rob (Anthony Hoang) have committed the aforementioned murder and don't really seem to fret about it.  The time for the Rave arrives and our miscreants get wasted and never make it into the concert.  Instead, they are chased through the asylum by a demon called Blight...and maybe Simon, you'll see.  Blight puts them through gory torture and mutilation.  A great metaphor for the Fentanyl and other drugs.  Ripped apart, caught in beartraps, disembowelment, and more await them...or does it.

Okay, this is a vicious and graphic one. Is Simon the escaped lunatic set up to be the moral compass in a world of youths wasted on Fentanyl and ecstasy?  Are these evil Rave-kids already in Hell?  Is Blight a demon or the natural progression of their collective imaginations come to take them away? Gory, violent, shocking, see "Habitual" and witness a compelling reason to JUST SAY NO!   

Monday, February 19, 2024

Gone, Insane or Not

Over the past four years I have been called a "traitor," "The Enemy Within," a "Conspiracy Theorist," and "unpatriotic."  Vindication has arrived.  Our "leaders" and the mainstream media have been found out and now they are on the run.  Millions like me are out of our cages and laughing hysterically at the so-called powers-at-be. What does it look like when the insane are all of a sudden found out to be the sane ones?  Psyche meds and involuntary stays in an asylum be damned...the truth is out there.  Also out there is a misogynistic killer with a trail of dead women leading to him (perhaps a metaphor for the Biden Administration).  Today we look at 2012's "Gone," directed by Heiter Dhalia.

Jill (Amanda Seyfried) is a sultry waitress just out of the loony-bin.  She claims she was abducted, tied up, dropped in a hole in the woods, and escaped just before her kidnapper could murder her.  The problem is that no one believes her, not even the cops.  None of her story could be corroborated and she has a long history of psychological problems...including stints in the asylum.  Jill knows she is telling the truth.  Then, her sister Molly (Emily Wickersham) is abducted.  The problem?  No one believes Jill.  The cops and all Emily's friends, including Molly's BF (Sebastian Stan) don't believe her.  Jill tries and tries but the cops see her as a loony.  The cops...Michael Pare is the lieutenant...yes!

Jill now undertakes her own investigation.  She stops taking her psyche meds and gets a gun.  She does good work, but is there anything to uncover.  Is her former alcoholic sister on a bender?  She's only been missing less than a day. It would be a shame if Jill is imagining all this as her investigation is turning up some really dangerous characters.  Are any of them kidnappers, though?  Now the cops are after Jill.  Jill knows if the cops catch her, Molly dies.  Is Molly really missing?  Uh oh...Jill's plight is being watched by some weirdo.  He begins contacting her by cellphone.  Jill is sure it is the kidnapper coming back to finish her off after her escape.  Peril awaits Jill...but is she the one that should be captured and prosecuted?

This film won't have many fans.  The sultry Amanda Seyfried turns in a very unglamorous performance that may give many the creeps.  She does play a crazy b***h...then again, aren't all babes crazy b***hes?  Wait!  I didn't say that...damn autocorrect! Ms. Seyfried plays the desperate and maybe insane young lady very well.  For a good mystery with very sordid subject matter and themes, see "Gone."


Saturday, February 17, 2024

Scream of Fear, An Early Hammer Film

Ha!!!'re so smart.  You will have this one figured out in the first few minutes.  The twists are so easy to see coming.  Then...when they're still on top of things.  You'll see the other twists on their way. know nothing.  Today we look at an early Hammer film, 1961's "Scream of Fear," a Christopher Lee film directed by Seth Holt.

The lovely Penny (Susan Strasberg) returns to her dad's mansion after her trusty nurse drowns.  Penny is confined to a wheelchair after an equestrian accident 9 years ago.  With her best friend and nurse gone, her dad (Fred Johnson) asks her to come home.  The babe is met at the airport by the handsome chauffer, Robert (Ronald Lewis).  He tells her that her dad has gone away and her stepmother is going to meet her at the mansion.  Jane (Ann Todd) is the stepmom...and she claims the dad went away on business indefinitely. Uh oh...Penny begins seeing her dad's corpse.  She screams and Robert and Jane rush in only to find no corpse.  Dr. Gerard (Lee) arrives.  He lets Penny know that these emotional shocks may cause her to go completely insane in her delicate condition.

Oh!  Penny is the lone beneficiary of her dad's and inherits everything if he should die.  Jane only gets it if Penny is ruled "incapable" (insane).  The corpse keeps appearing.  Now Robert believes her and the two fall in love and look for the dead body.  Jane is up to something and Robert tells Penny more about the evil woman.  Meanwhile, Dr. Gerard appears all to eager to diagnose Penny as insane.  Alas, nothing is as it seems.  You have no idea.  Eventually, Jane and Robert will swap a lot of spit and then their amateur investigation turns up positive results.  

Ms. Strasberg is terrific as the nubile and beautiful invalid.  Mr. Lewis is quite the hunk.  Mr. Lee and Ms. Todd look very suspicious and play their roles well.  The final 15 minutes will be a rollercoaster ride and a half.  You'll figure out the twists up until then.  For a neat Hammer film that will have a shocking ending, see "Scream of Fear."    

Thursday, February 15, 2024

Gods of the Deep, H.P. Lovecraft Explores the Ocean Floor

Madness! Tentacles! Monsters! A cthulhu thing...a big cthulho thing! Oh, yes...tentacles!  Already said that? Well, anyway, this one will bring us 37,000 feet below the ocean surface.  Even better, our protagonist is a very lovely, blonde marine biologist.  Do marine biologists really look in real life like they do in the movies?  Has Playboy done a marine biologist spread?  Has Maxim? Important questions that demand answers.  Our film today, from the U.K., is "Gods of the Deep," directed by Charlie Steeds. If you are a H.P. Lovecraft aficionado, this is one for you.  Did I mention tentacles and a sultry marine biologist?

Something has been found 37,000 feet below the ocean surface. A portal, of course, that leads to...well, this is a H.P. Lovecraft-type you figure that out. A team is assembled.  Not a very good team.  Not a team that has ever succeeded in anything. There is the grouchy professor from Miskatonic University, Jim (Derek Nelson). He's a hunk. His dad was a professor who disappeared into thin air during an expedition to some mountain tops. Also on the team is aforementioned marine biologist, Christine (Makenna Guyler).  Also, a bunch of grouches, most will end up going mad.  A big submarine takes them 37,000 feet below the surface where they find...a 500 foot tall, grouchy cthulhu.

Jim and Christine fall in love.  Quite remarkable as the only thing Christine has told Jim is that she has a baby.  Jim tells Christine he wants his daddy back. Of course, they lip lock a lot. Jim goes out and takes a tissue sample from the big Cthulhu and this ticks the monster off.  Now the big creature chases the submarine and Jim's tissue sample grows into a tentacled fiend aboard the submarine. Christine is in great peril but Jim will usually save her. A crew member grabs an axe and tries to murder everyone. The tentacled fiend then begins talking in the voice of Jim's long lost dad. The tentacles will grow in number. Okay, let's stop here...just think of this as H.P. Lovecraft meets "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea."

Will the tentacles ever grab hold of Christine?  Will Jim ever get over his daddy issues and become a real hunk?  Will Child Protective Services in the U.K. arrest Christine for child abandonment?  Oh, the ending. Madness, tentacles, and a touch of Roger Corman. You won't believe the ending. So classic! The ending alone is worth watching this entire movie. Did I mention the tentacles? See "Gods of the Deep," and you'll never go on board a submarine again.      

Tuesday, February 13, 2024

Galaxy Warriors, Unruly Space-Babes in Peril

Space-babes in peril!  Space-babes wearing tight, shiny and very revealing outfits! Space-babes in catfights to the death! Space-babes with great cleavage buffs!  Space-babes hunted by monsters! Space-babes in a sweaty space-babe prison for unruly space-babes! No, not a Max Gunssler novel, but a fantastic, cheesy, space-babe scifi epic. For a cheesy great time, with a lot of redheaded space-babes in peril and acting vicious...our feature today is 2022's "Galaxy Warriors," directed by Brett Kelly.

Sultry, redheaded space-babes Demeter (Christine Emes) and Vesta (Alianne Rozon) are bounty hunters patrolling the universe in their spaceship. Uh oh, Demeter's sultry redheaded sister, Artemis (Abbey Flockton) is arrested and sent to a prison planet for unruly space-babes. Demeter and Vesta are now on a quest to break Artemis out of the prison.  Bad news!  The warden is space-babe Enyo (Ellen Mildred). Enyo is a sadistic warden who has set up fight games.  These games pit the space-babes against each other in fights to the death, wagered on by a pay-per-view audience. Much more entertaining than the rigged Super Bowl. To Vesta's dismay, Demeter has a far-fetched plan...get arrested and sent to the prison planet to start a prisoner revolt.

Now Vesta and Demeter are inmates.  Butch-babe inmate Circe (Christa Cullain) likes her pets but has a history with the bounty hunters.  Circe now desires to murder Demeter.  Uh oh...Enyo unleashes wild monsters on the space-babes for entertainment purposes.  Even worse, a huge green monster patrols the outside of the prison confines.  Enyo decides to put Vesta and Demeter in the fight circuit where they will have to fight other space-babes to the death to survive. Even worse, the evil Rex (Andrew Galligan) is the captain of the guards and desires to make Artemis his sex-toy.  All this is headed to a brutal and very arousing conclusion. Sultry space-babes will die horribly, but look really good doing it. 

Will Vesta and Demeter be able to rescue Artemis and get off the prison planet?  Will Enyo select one of that trio as her pet, or sex toy?  Will Circe defeat Demeter and take either Vesta or Artemis as her new prison pet?  This is an arousing and satisfying scifi epic.  We don't get enough cheesy films nowadays about scantily clad space-babes, thus this movie is so welcomed!  For sultry babes in much peril, in catfights, and firing laser guns...see "Galaxy Warriors."  

Sunday, February 11, 2024

Land Shark, Shark Experiments Out of Control

Marine biologists. In real life...well...they don't look like they do in the movies. Remember the sultry blondes in the Miss America Pageant from Florida, Alabama, or California?  Back in the 70s they all were Marine Biology majors.  In today's woke world, the pageant has gone downhill and those same contestants are either Public Health or Broadcast Journalism majors. Oh, we pine for the days when marine biologists looked like Sarah French... Wait!  Guess what!  Sarah French as a nubile marine biologist!  What could be better. Throw in a semi-gratuitous shower scene, toothy menaces, mad scientists, and laser blasters.  There's more...this is a Polonia Brothers Entertainment film directed by Mark Polonia.  Today we will look at 2017's "Land Shark."

Sharks are coming on land and eating bikini babes, other babes, whinos, and electricians. Lucinda (French) is a marine biologist working for a bio-chemical lab. This lab injects human DNA into sharks, hence our little monsters! Dr. Foster (Peter Baldo) is Lucinda's boss and he is going further in these experiments in order to create a perfect soldier for the battlefield. Maybe something that can defeat the Taliban. Lucinda finds out and now the babe scientist is in mortal danger. Meanwhile, a shark eats Cpt. Bermuda (Jeff Kirkendall), and his mate. Very sad. The sharks get aggressive and one even visits Lucinda in her shower.  BTW...Peter Benchley based Quint on Cpt. Bermuda (embellishment).

Now Foster is ready to advance his experiments to the next stage. First, he and Lucinda, armed with laser blasters, go in search of the land sharks. Uh oh for Lucinda, Foster is charged with her elimination after the sharks are killed.  Why kill all the experimental sharks? Foster has his reasons and you will see what they are. Blood will spatter all over the silver screen as this film has a high death count. Even the lovely Elisa Dowling will be a shark. Clad in black tactical gear, Lucinda and Foster scour the countryside in search of monsters.  They will find them...or the monsters will find them.

Will Lucinda survive her semi-gratuitous shower scene?  What does Foster have planned for the lovely marine biologist?  If laser blasters existed a long time ago, would Cpt. Ahab have had one instead of a harpoon?  We are told from sources who know, this was the film Steven Spielberg wanted to make but budgetary constraints resulted in "Jaws."  Finally, decades after "Jaws," a film that demanded to be made!  See "Land Shark" and enjoy a sultry babe scientist in great peril from toothy shark monsters. 

Friday, February 9, 2024

Kong Island, Dames and Gorillas

Sultry, scantily clad dames abducted by gorillas in the darkest of Africa! Oh, in a more politically incorrect time what I could do with this review. Okay, first of all there is no island.  Second, there is no Kong. There are sultry scantily clad dames and gorillas that take them. Throw in a mad scientist, sultry dames taking baths, catfights, and a hunk mercenary who grunts and takes his shirt off. Today we look at 1968's "Kong Island," directed by Roberto Mauri. Yes, this is an Italian film. Euro-Trash!

Burt (Brad Harris) is a mercenary who is betrayed during the heist of a lot of money in Kenya.  His partner, the mad scientist Albert (Marc Lawrence) shoots him, leaves him for dead, and absconds with all the money. Burt, a hunk, survives and recovers and now seeks Albert. Burt wants to murder him. Arriving in Nairobi, he meets up with a former partner, Theodore (Aldo Cecconi), his babe daughter Diana (Ursula Davis), and his former lover, the sultry Ursula (Adriana Alban).  Leaving a lot out, Diana loves the grunting and sometimes shirtless hunk Burt.  During the search for the elusive sacred monkey, Diana is taken by gorillas as most of her hunting party is killed.  In reality, mad scientist Albert has implanted transmitters into the gorillas brains and controls them. He has kidnapped Diana in order to lure Burt into a trap.

Now Burt heads to the forbidden jungle to rescue Diana before the gorillas...well, never mind. Albert sends the mind-controlled apes after him.  Fighting them off, an almost nude jungle babe, Eva (Esmeralda Barros) finds him and helps him.  Eva used to be able to control the gorillas because she is such a babe who wears hardly any clothes. I guess the gorillas want...well, never mind. To Eva's surprise, she has no influence on the apes anymore.  Together, Burt and Eva walk into Albert's trap. Now the gorillas have Eva and they are going to...well, never mind.  Diana is also caged and the gorillas are going to...well, never mind.  Fear not, Ursula is on her way and one terrific catfight will erupt between all three of the babes. Albert seeks to put implants in the brains of the babes so he can...well, never mind. Burt? He'll grunt nicely and flex his muscles as he tries to save Diana so he can...well, never mind.

Just what do the gorillas want to do with Diane?  What was the nature of Eva's relationship with the simians? If Roger Corman had made this film would we have seen Eva, Ursula, and Diana...wait, I withdraw the question.  Cheese and beef to the max and even the gorillas are aroused.  For some good, clean, politically incorrect fun, see "Kong Island." 

Wednesday, February 7, 2024

The Thrill Killers, Four Lunatics on a Binge

Are all men lunatics?  Many a woman has asked this.  Well, most are...and some are just useless.  hence our film today, 1964's "The Thrill Killers," directed by Ray Dennis Steckler. This very likable and vicious low-budget treat will have plenty of psychopaths, nubile women slaughtered, and plenty of gratuitous killings.  Also, rare for 1964...decapitations.  So, with damsels in plenty of trouble and their men powerless to save them, this film chalks up kills throughout.

Three lunatics, Gary (Gary Kent), Herbie (Herb Robins), and Keith (Keith O'Brien) escape from a mental asylum after murdering five guards.  They are on the run. Already on the loose is Mort (Steckler)...he's more homicidal than the escaped lunatics.  Yep...the four know one another. Babes watch out.  Mort murders a traveling salesman and finds a dancing girl (Erina Devore). He'll slap her around endlessly, humiliate her, and stab her dozens of times with a scissors.  Oh yes...aspiring actor Joe (Joseph Bardo) and his sultry ex-actress wife Liz (Liz Renay) are just figuring out they will never make it in Hollywood.  The three lunatics then go on a decapitation binge and murder a few more. 

Liz flees the Hollywood lifestyle and ends up at the diner where her babe cousin Linda (Laura Benedict) is a waitress.  Joe follows as he wants his wife back.  Now all these peeps meet at the diner and the three lunatics are quite taken with the beauty of Linda and Liz.  Joe seems helpless...but now is his shot to prove he has worth outside his failed acting career.  He better hurry...Mort is on the way.  What follows is a lot of murder, damsels in much distress, and the wrath of some angry women.  Gunshots, an axe, poison, and cold blooded murder follow. 

Will any of the babes survive to the end credits?  Will failed actor Joe find some balls and mount an offense against the psychos that seek to soil and take apart his wife?  How much more violent will it get when Mort arrives to join his lunatic buddies?  This is a vicious one with a lot of cheese and some very heartbreaking kills.  For some good 1960s low-budget violence and exploitation, see "The Thrill Killers." 

Monday, February 5, 2024

Alligator Alley, Feuding Among Monster Gators

Wow!  A wild one today!  Then...the!  2013's "Alligator Alley" (aka "Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators") might do for alligator movies what "Crocodile 2: Death Swamp" did for crocodile movies.  This is an ambitious plot that gets even more ambitious.  In one of the best films ever made, we have a mutant/monster gator attack on a redneck community...then the real horror is unleashed...and then, the really really real horror is unleashed.  Make sense?  Today we look at "Alligator Alley," directed by Griff Furst.

Avery (Jordan Hinson) is back to visit her Louisiana redneck kin.  She was off at college in the big city learning sophisticated stuff and how to recycle.  Everyone in her hometown is either a Doucette, like her, or a Robichaud.  The two families have been feuding for hundreds of years. Uh oh...Avery is sweet on Dathan (John Chriss), a hunk Robichaud.  A "Romeo and Juliet" story develops.  Fortunately, the mutant gators, who have spiked tails and shoot those spikes converge and begin eating and killing.  War breaks out but the gators have an advantage.  The gators?  Well, the patriarch of the Robichaud clan, Wade (Thomas Francis Murphy) has been dumping bad moonshine in the swamp. That is what has mutated the gators.

Okay, it gets worse.  The Robichauds and Doucettes pick up their war again.  Avery's dad, Lucien (Ritchie Montgomery), and Wade are bent on murdering one another.  Lucien looks at the Robichauds as a family of werewolves.  Wade looks at the Doucettes as a family of vampires. Meanwhile, Dathan and Avery will have pre-marital sex. The gators will eat other families, some of the Robichauds, an annoying yapping dog, some Doucettes...and a sultry sheriff's deputy (Shanna Forrestall), and Trsitan Sinclair (Victor Webster) the star of "The Gator Whisperer" on Predator Planet.  We cheer when this happens.  Horrific enough? Hah!  Now the real horror begins.  What happens in the last half of this film will shock you.  Then, if you are not shocked enough...the ending.  Wow!

Will the Doucette and Robichaud families put their feud aside and fend off the gator invasion?  However bad the bad moonshine is, is it any worse than Bud Light?  Just what shocks and plot twists await the viewer in the last half of this film?  This 2013 film captured perfectly, as a metaphor, the Obama Administrations ignorance of this country's wetlands and the carnage this stupidity unleashed. For one of the best, if not the best, monster alligator film ever made, see "Alligator Alley."   

Saturday, February 3, 2024

Looks Can Kill, The Beautiful Die so Horribly

From our buddies at Jagged Edge Productions!  We have...cheese!  Babes in peril!  Babes scantily clad in peril!  Babes in bikinis and lingerie!  In tight slinky gowns!  Nubile lasses looking great...until they get brutally murdered.  Giallo would be proud.  From the U.K., we have neuvo Euro-Trash...2022's "Looks Can Kill," directed by Jasmine Ebony Thomas.  This may be the magnum opus of the lovely Danielle Scott.

Rhonda (Scott) was quite the thing. She was a stunning actress famous for horror films.  The industry is a tough one and when younger girls come along, well, the established talent gets pushed aside.  Now Rhonda is relegated to humiliating modeling jobs to stay employed.  But wait!  She has an idea.  Rhonda will start her own modeling agency.  Her first move is to hire a photographer, the mentally unbalanced sex offender, Zack (Matthew Baunsgard). She'll also hire beef as her staff.  Hank (Clint Gordon) and Don (Darrell Griggs) look great and are tasked with picking up the babe models and bringing them home. The models?  Young college girls in desperate need of money...and quite the babes. Stacy (Antonia Whillans), Brigitte (Mya Brown), and Lisa (Barbara Dabson) are sultry and unfortunately, may not remain beautiful.

Uh oh...Rhonda seems to be spiraling into insanity. Of course, who isn't?  The models are vulnerable and have a lot of debt.  Sadly, the gals trust Rhonda.  Zack is creepy and his past does not remain a secret.  Hank and Don grunt a lot and show off their gals will like them.  The shoots?  Eek!  They are shot in ruins of what looks like a burnt down church.  Then...murder.  Not just any kinds of murder.  The gals are felled in the most awful ways.  Big who?  Rhonda?  Or is that too easy.  You'll see.

Will any of our lovely college girl models survive until the end credits?  Is what happens to these lovelies at the fashion photo-shoots any worse than what happens to them at university by a misogynistic higher educational system in the U.K.?  Will there be any catfights to the death?  This is a great looking film and the cheese and beef are its strong point.  Still, it has great kills and some really creepy characters.  For some brutal arousal, see "Looks Can Kill."    

Thursday, February 1, 2024

Red Scream Vampyres, Sultry Vamps Eat Hitchhikers

American Gothic horror!  Where European Gothic horror has old castles, American Gothic horror has a train station.  Where European Gothic horror has nubile naked babes, American has nubile Goth babes. European has dubbing or subtitles...American has New York accents.  Yep...nothing says shocking Gothic horror like an Amtrak station and a few tattoos.  Today we look at the American remake of "Vampyres," "Red Scream Vampyres," directed by David R. Williams.

The plot...pretty much the same as the Euro-Trash "Vampyres."  Pretty much.  We have two lesbian vamps who delight in steamy sex, straight and with one another.  Theodora (Satu Runa) and Elenora (Valeria Dombrovschi) find guys by hitchhiking.  Of course, the pair bring them back to their, abandoned train station...have passionate sex with them and then drink their blood.  Now Theodora has found a guy who sort of intrigues her, the uber boring Dietrich (Jess Weber).  Against her better judgment, she does not murder him.  Also in the story are the two campers, but here, they are two peeps from the university studying urban archaeology.  The lovely Sky (Andrea Bentin) and Professor Morrissey (Ed Bergtold).  There is a hint that the two vamps were murdered in the past while in the throes of steamy sex...and here...there is a hint that Sky might have been the trigger-man...or trigger-woman.

Steamy sex and orgies will fill much of this American re-make.  Male motorists will continue to get eaten.  Sky will become captivated by the lesbian vamps.  Theodora and Elenora will also be captivated by Sky...but why?  Whether Sky is being groomed to join the vamps...or a dish on the menu...David R. Williams throws in a plot device that makes this relationship a bit more complicated than in the original film.  As Amtrak trains run in the distance...our beautiful monsters seem in control...and Sky seems doomed to this life...Dietrich still roams and gets more curious.

What are Theodora's and Elenora's plans for Sky?  Will Theodora's failure to murder Dietrich prove a fatal mistake for the vamps?  If this film had subtitles or dubbing, would it be considered an American horror masterpiece?  Kudos to David R. Williams...the American remake of "Vampyres" is erotic, bloody, and very interesting.  For a prurient good time, see "Red Scream Vampyres."