Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Slumber, Maggie Q vs The Demon

Okay, today she isn't a sultry assassin.  She isn't a secret agent.  Not even a baddie clad in a cat-suit and black boots.  Maggie Q graces us today as a sleep doctor, though still as alluring as ever.  No sleep doctor has ever worn six-inch heels as nicely as Maggie Q.  Today we look at 2017's "Slumber," directed by Jonathan Hopkins.  Be warned, this is a scary one with some really icky scenes.

When she was a little girl Alice (Maggie Q) witnessed the death of her brother.  Her brother sleepwalked and suffered from night terrors and swore a demon was pursuing him.  Today she is a sleep doctor, still haunted by the visions (dreams) of her brother's death.  Enter a family of four.  They have the same problem.  Sarah (Kristen Bush) and Charlie (Sam Troughton) need help.  The entire family has nightmares and their little son Daniel (Lucas Bond) is at the center of it.  Both parents believe something enters their rooms during the nightmares and seeks to take Daniel.  

Alice sets them up for sleep analysis.  She wires them up at the hospital and sits back and watches.  What happens during observation is horrifying.  Now Alice realizes what killed her brother is the same phenomena that seeks Daniel.  Her family and colleagues believe her crazy.  Now Alice is obsessed in helping this family, and perhaps relieving the demons in her own life.  The demon seems to get stronger and the nightmares get stronger.  The sleepwalking family are put in more peril.  As the film goes on scenes that will have you turning your head from the screen will be common.  Icky and suggestive, this film has gore and jumps.

Will Alice be able to fight off this nightmare demon and save the family?  What in Alice's past makes her uniquely qualified to battle this nightmare demon?  Even though she plays a doctor, would any of us have objected if the movie makers still dressed her up in a tight cat-suit with high-heeled leather boots?  The ending will be a shocker and very disconcerting.  If you don't mind seeing the sultry Maggie Q beset, see "Slumber," which is a film that will give you nightmares.   

Sunday, August 1, 2021

The Mill, A Slasher and Creepy Crawlies

Okay, sure!  Our feature today is your standard run of the mill (pun! Sorry!) slasher film.  A lot of hunk and babe college kids partying at a closed down location on a Friday night when a slasher begins taking them out.  Yep, there will be some twists, perhaps a bit too telegraphed beforehand.  Still...this is a good one.  It has something a little extra.  A vague and menacing backstory and rats...snakes...spiders and other creepy crawlies.  Today we look at 2008's "The Mill" (directed by Grainger Hines).

I won't mention the first several minutes of this film so as not to give spoilers that will telegraph the twists at the end...but you'll pick right up on them.  Six hunks and babes decide to have a party at an abandoned mill.  Uh oh...they need the nerd Nick (Robert Rainbolt).  Nick's dad owns the property and Nick can get a key.  To get Nick on board, the beautiful people need to find him a date, enter the nerdette Cari (Blaire Welch). Okay, now eight enter the mill.  Shawn (Austin Hines) and Amber (Tiffany LeShai McMinn) will be the first to pair up for pre-marital sex.  Whitney (Leah Marie Parker) and Jesse (Austin James) will follow close behind.  Madison (Kelly Ray) and Kyle (Catori Swann) will also follow, leaving Nick and Cari alone.

Okay, Nick slips Cari some roofies and the results will be sadly predictable.  While in the throes of pre-marital sex, our four couples will incur the wrath of a mysterious slasher.  Yep, meat hooks, knives, blunt objects and creepy crawlies will decimate our hunks and babes in all sorts of forms of nakedness.  There will even be a snake bite on the tally-whacker scene.  One by one, the beautiful will fall.  Gratuitous spider scenes will give you the creepy crawlies as now attack dogs enter the fray.  Who will be left and who is doing the carnage?  Watch the film.

So what is the deal with Nick and his supply of roofies, is he really the nerd his buddies think he is?  How about Cari?  She is awfully hot to be a nerdette.  What did these hunks and babes do to incur the wrath of the slasher and his creepy crawlies?  When the end credits roll you will be itching at imaginary insects on your torso.  Standard fare? Yes...but well worth the watch.  For a slasher good time, see "The Mill." 

Friday, July 30, 2021

Body, Three Dames in Need of an Alibi

Murder.  Do you have what it takes to commit murder?  Even more important...do your buddies you hang out with have what it takes to murder?  How about getting away with it?  Living the rest of your life knowing you are a murderer, can you do it?  Today we have a film about three attractive young ladies who might or might not have what it takes.  We'll find out by the end credits and the answer may surprise you.  Our feature today is 2015's "Body," directed by Dan Berk and Robert Olsen.

Three babes are winding down at a Christmas party.  Holly (Helen Rogers), Cali (Alexandra Turshen), and Mel (Lauren Molina) are basically nice gals.  After some weed and alcohol, Cali wants to spice up the evening.  She brings her buddies to her uncle's mansion.  Her uncle is away for a couple months and she figures they will party in a mansion on this Christmas Eve.  What could go wrong?  Yep...Larry Fessenden arrives.  See, it isn't really her uncle's place and Arthur (Fessenden) is keeping an eye on the place while the real owners are gone.

Then...well, everything goes south.  The gals get scared at what they figure is an intruder and panic.  A collision in a dark hallway occurs and Arthur falls down the stairs and is paralyzed from the neck down.  Now Cali, Holly, and Mel have to figure out if they should call the cops or let Arthur die.  Uh oh...Arthur doesn't seem to be dying, he's just paralyzed.  Cali has a brilliant idea that will leave no witnesses...can you guess what it is?  Holly is disgusted at her friend.  Mel could go either way.  Cat-fights ensue and poor Arthur just lays there listening to the deliberations.  Then!  Well, you'll see.  You may be surprised who the real murderers at heart are.  

Not the feel good film of 2015 but it will make you wonder what your buddies are capable of.  What will be Arthur's ultimate fate?  Is Cali's homicidal plan really an easy way to avoid arrest and prosecution?  Will any of the cat-fights lead to carnage?  Interesting and grim, "Body" is a neat film that will convince you never to lie or do something you shouldn't...at least for an hour or two.    

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

Fatal Flip, Psycho Fixer Upper

Chip and Joanna Gaines may not endorse our film today, but all you guys, forced to watch HGTV with your wives may see something here you like.  Whereas "Fixer Upper" may have to deal with rotted support beams and popcorn ceilings, our feature today deals with a psycho handyman seeking to murder and rape.  So now we take a look at 2014's "Fatal flip" (directed by Maureen Bharoocha and Ellen Huggins) and stars one of my favorite actresses, Dominique Swain.

Alex (Swain) and Jeff (Michael Steger) have quit a high-powered firm to realize a dream.  The non-married lovers seek fortune without the help of corporate America, by flipping old properties.  They find one and it is a 1870 Colonial.  Unwisely the lovers agree to a 45 day deadline.  Immediately they see the short deadline is unrealistic.  Enter the hunk Nate (Mike Faiola)...who doesn't like to button his shirt.  He befriends the duo and is invited to move in and help them reach the deadline.  He is hot for Alex...and Alex may be hot for him.  Soon Alex' boyfriend and best friend, Roslyn (Tatyana Ali) see Alex may be a bit of a tease when Nate is around...we actually see that too.

Uh oh...Nate is a psycho killer.  He'll hammer the realtor to death just because she asked one too many questions...I know, we've all done that.  Nate has a proclivity for brutal murder, which we see, and a fatal attraction to the tease Alex.  He appears to be a godsend as the duo is back on schedule until Nate tries to murder Jeff...darn, he survives.  Now the duo must depend on Nate even more.  When the pretty Roslyn falls for Nate she begins to do some research...what she finds out is horrific...too bad she'll die horribly.  Now with Jeff convalescing, it is Alex and Nate finishing the flip...and Nate gets more aggressive.  There will be a panty in the toolbox scene (she is a tease), and an alluring bath scene.  Nail guns, hammers, sledgehammers, and plastic tarp abound as our psycho moves in on the perky Alex.

Will the useless Jeff ever stop convalescing and win back Alex and finish the flip?  Can we blame Alex for drooling over the handyman with the impressive pecs?  Are gratuitous bath scenes what is missing from much of the fare on HGTV, that may make us guys watch more?  Dominique Swain is alluring and perky and she captures the screen marvelously. See "Fatal Flip" and then try to imagine HGTV's "Fixer Upper" with more carnage and bath scenes.   

Monday, July 26, 2021

The Nurse, Sultry Psycho in White

Hockey fans may know Willa Ford as Mandy Modano, Mike Modano's now ex-wife.  Horror fans may know her as the sexy and unfortunate water skier in the 2009 "Friday the 13th" remake.  The sultry blonde's magnum opus, in my opinion, is 2014's "The Nurse."  Directed by Sam Irvin, this film highlights the actress as a psycho/slasher and a nubile nurse clad in a shapely white uniform.

So sad!  The very pretty nurse in white, Lu (Kiralee Hayashi) is horribly murdered by a slasher, staining her white uniform.  The culprit?  You will have to wait for the final reveal.  Fast forward, Cara (Brigid Brannagh) and hubby Brian (Jack Noseworthy) move into a mansion thanks to Brian's employer.  The couple is pretty hot.  Then Cara's estranged dad, Frank (John Heard) suffers a stroke and needs 24 hour care.  Cara and Brian take him in and the full time nurse shows up...Lynette (Ford).  She's lovely and has brought with her a nice string bikini, lingerie, a negligee, a tight party dress, and massive amounts of sex appeal.  She is too good to be true.

Uh oh...Lynette has a dark side.  On the surface she is a godsend.  Cara is grateful for the care she gives Frank.  Then, when Cara isn't around, she tortures him and gives him syringes filled with...well, who knows?  More reasons to suspect Lynette is not who she says occur while she turns into a seductress and people in Brian and Cara's life start dying horribly.  We even see Lynette kill in some questionable instances.  You know what else we see?  Yep...we see it coming a mile away.  A cat-fight!  Two sultry babes going at it with helpless men unconscious on the floor.  The nurse/seductress/slasher seems to have everything figured out.

What are Lynette's plans for Frank, Cara, and Brian?  Why has Lynette beset this nice looking couple and their bed-ridden dad?  Will Willa Ford make out any better than she did when Jason annihilated her five years earlier?  Willa Ford's performance is steamy and this turns into a nice slasher film.  For some great nubile nurse in white exploitation, see Willa Ford in "The Nurse," and mourn the early death (opening scene) of the pretty Lu. 

Saturday, July 24, 2021

Bats, Vampire Mutant Shreds Family

More of a mutant vampire film than a bat film, but a goody, nevertheless.  Megan Purvis is a wonderful actress who spends more than half the film covered in syrupy blood after her dad's head explodes all over her.  We just don't see performances like this anymore.  Still, this is an ominous horror film with no humor or lightheartedness.  Today we look at 2021's "Bats," directed by Scott Jeffrey and Rebecca Matthews.

The opening scene is a long one.  Virgin babe Natalie (Nicole Nabi) finds herself in an abandoned house with two hunk redneck types.  They have a nice orgy and the now former virgin finds her dates a bit underwhelming.  That's okay, a big mutant bat that looks humanoid, shred the two guys and turns its attention to her.  What does it do to her...watch the movie.  Fast forward...Grandma (Kate Sandison) and her family arrive at the house.  She wants to move back into it after the town it is located in was evacuated after a nuclear disaster.  Little does she know a mutant bat monster lives in the attic. This will be an unfortunate oversight.  Jamie (Purvis) has just undergone a tragedy hardly worth noting and will find herself as the family's last hope for survival.

Alas. Jamie is ill equipped to combat the mutant bat.  It's scream causes her dad's head to explode (this was such a beautiful thing) and its bite causes the victim to sort of melt.  The blood covered Jamie must now save her pretty but detached sister, Amelia (Georgia Conlan) and kind of hot mother (Amanda Jade).  The creature is protecting its territory and seems to have something in mind for the family.  As the family is further beset and the mutant thing gets more aggressive, the blood covered beauty pulls herself out of the throes of her personal tragedy and arms herself. 


Does the depressed and grouchy Jamie have what it takes to turn full monster hunter?  What does the monster have planned for the family?  Is "Bats" a thinly veiled metaphor for the disintegration of the nuclear family?  Dark, depressing, and scary, "Bats" is an unusual film that will come across as refreshing and original to the horror fan.  For something a little different, see "Bats," and stay out of your attic. 

Thursday, July 22, 2021

Do Not Reply, Slaughter of the Cheerleaders

We don't get enough movies anymore about cheerleaders in peril.  Perhaps in a more enlightened time (yeah, right!) this is too gauche!  Still...the honest among us wants to see these exploitation films.  Then, mix it in with a slasher, then...well, we got a good one.  2019's "Do Not Reply" is sort of a slasher/exploitation film that may have a deeper message about the dangers of our smartphone era on our youth.  Still, we have pretty cheerleaders in much danger and a mean slasher who desires to rape and slash them up. Directed by Daniel and Walter Woltosz,  our film today is a first class thriller and not as prurient as it could be.

Chelsea (Amanda Arcuri) feels a bit neglected by her parents and friends.  She is a high school kid with no boyfriend and a need to talk.  Uh oh...she finds someone.  A sweet sort on a chat app who seems to be her soul mate, Brad (Jackson Rathbone).  He lures her to an alcohol infested warehouse party, spikes her drink and abducts her.  Oh yes, Brad made sure Chelsea wore her cheerleader uniform to the event.  Now Chelsea is chained in a dingy, rat infested cellar.  Brad comes down to humiliate and brainwash her.  Then we meet the nubile cheerleader, Meagan (Kerri Medders).  Meagan is already brainwashed and loves Brad.  Then we meet another captured cheerleader, Heather ( Elise Luthman), also brainwashed. 

We'll meet others, and it won't be pretty.  Chelsea is allowed out of her chains and the cellar because Brad and the other babes believe she is brainwashed.  She isn't.  Now Chelsea tries to find a means of escape.  Unfortunately for her she meets another cheerleader who is almost dead.  Seeing what her fate is and the fate of the other cheerleaders, she prowls the house and discovers just what Brad is up to...and it is perverted and evil.  Uh oh, Brad is onto her and now Chelsea must resort to some icky methods to get back on his good side before he turns very large blades on her.

Just what is Brad up to?  Does Chelsea have any shot at un-brainwashing the other cheerleader abductees?  As the beautiful die horribly, the surviving cheerleaders must man-up and take the fight to a homicidal and perverted psycho.  Exploitation galore with a touch of 80s slasher, "Do Not Reply" can boast of an attractive cast and big knives.  See "Do Not Reply" and get inspired to see some of the 1970s cheerleadersploitation (I invented that term) films that used to grace our drive-ins.  

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

The Demon Lover, Hippies Shredded by Demon

Unfortunately, the mainstream media will not accurately describe the hippie culture of the 1960s and early 1970s. In actuality, the hippie movement was filled with narcissism, psychosis, and brain damage. They were all worthless and brought nothing positive to the betterment of man. The evils of that movement continue today as their survivors are our powerbrokers in large corporations and seats of government. Today we look at 1976's "The Demon Lover" (directed by Donald G. Jackson and Jerry Younkins), which gives us much satisfaction as many hippies are shredded to pieces.

Hippie Laval (Christmas Robbins) puts together a satanic cult out of his college chums...all hippies. Unfortunately, Laval is the only true believer, as his buddies are only interested in booze, drugs, and pre-marital sex. He chides them for their insincerity and the buddies leave in a huff. Now angry, Laval summons a beast with glowing eyes, horns, and fur. The beast, first is set on the pretty Pamela (Kyra Nash). She'll be shredded in the woods while clad in a white negligee. Now the cops are involved and Detective Frazetta (Tom Hutton) investigates. He first interviews a hippie babe named Elaine (Linda Conrad). She tells him nothing but Laval sees her as a weak link. She and her buddy Sally (Carol Lasowski) will be shredded next.

The shreddings continue...babes first. Detective Frazetta consults a professor of the paranormal... Leatherface! Yes...Gunnar Hansen! Now Laval is really getting unhinged. He gets into barfights...gets beat up...does some beating up...and spends more time conjuring. The surviving cult members now plan a counterattack and head over to Laval's place, as does Detective Frazetta. The final confrontation will be classic and will include one stupid hippie getting castrated after a crossbow arrow enters his groin. The carnage will see a lot of spurting blood and ripped apart hippies.

Will anyone in the cult survive, and should they? Will the conjured demon tire of the narcissistic Laval and rip him apart, too? Are any of the babes worthy of surviving, given the fact they are hippie-babes? Flawed and uneven, "The Demon Lover" is still a worthwhile take. Hey, the hippie-babe catfight utilizing a cannister of whipped cream is such classic cinema. For a good time and a reminder of the hippie culture, see "The Demon Lover."    

Sunday, July 18, 2021

Maggie Shayne's Embrace the Twilight, Vampire and War Hero

Today we have an epic love story between a modern day war hero and a centuries old vampire babe.  Worry not, despite the title, there will be no twinkling here.  Like most vampire babes, the vamp in our story just can't seem to exist in the shadows.  So many want her for so many nefarious reasons.  As epic as the plot is, the love story is paramount and the sultry babes affected by it will be quite numerous.  Throw in a hulking and disfigured mad scientist and his tactical team and we have a lot of fun and allure in this vampire film.  "Maggie Shayne's Embrace the Twilight," directed by the late Carlos Dunn is our feature today.

 A couple centuries ago, the sultry Serafina (Theresa Byron), a gypsy fortune teller, is betrayed and and turned into a vampire.  Fast forward to modern times.  Willem (Logan Shephard) is a war hero just out of rehab from torture injuries received as a prisoner of the Taliban.  He got through his torture by making a psychic connection to Serafina.  He's out and tormented.  Now he gets a job from a mysterious bloke, Jameson (Jason Klingensmith).  He wants Willem to protect his teenaged daughter Amber (Bridget Messaros).  Willem accepts though his dreams are filled with an obsession to find the vampire Serafina.  Guess what, he's in luck.  Amber is a human/vampire hybrid and she calls on Serafina, psychically, for protection...thus bringing Willem and his obsession face to face.

All is not good as Willem finds his immortal love.  She is suspicious of him and everyone else.  She also lusts for Willem and you'll see what happens.  Even worse news, the disfigured hulk of a mad scientist, Stiles (Chris Hahn) wants Amber...you can guess why.  Now Stiles small army is hunting vampires and Amber and Serafina are in mortal...er, immortal danger.  Uh oh again, Amber's grouchy but sultry vampire aunt (Aja Nicole) arrives to help her niece and her cat-fight with Serafina will be worth the price of admission.

Does Willem have any chance in surviving the sultry vampires, the mad scientist, or his own libido?  Is modern day America big enough for all these sultry vampire babes?  Carlos Dunn is heavy on the eroticism and romance in this horror epic.  The plot is ambitious and Chris Hahn shines as the grotesque mad scientist who besets vampire babes.  For something a bit different, quite adventuresome, and with an incredibly attractive cast, see "Maggie Shayne's Embrace the Twilight."  To view EMBRACE THE TWILIGHT on Amazon Prime click on this link EMBRACE THE TWILIGHT


Friday, July 16, 2021

Without Warning, Alien with Jellyfish Projectiles

Here is a classic B film with so many 'Hall of Famers.'  Jack Palance...Cameron Mitchell...Martin Landau...Neville Brand...and Larry Storch!   Only the Swedish Bikini Team could make it better.  1980's "Without Warning" may be lampooned by some, but the great cast and really icky alien projectiles make this a terrific science fiction epic.  Criticize it if you must but this Greydon Clark film is better than any of the Marvel bore-a-thons.

As our film begins, two hunters (Cameron Mitchell and Darby Hinton) are themselves hunted by an alien.  The alien uses these jellyfish like projectiles that bore into its victims...very icky.  Next some great looking teens go camping in the woods despite being warned away by a creepy Sarge (Martin Landau).  They should've listened to Sarge as the bikini babe Beth (Lynn Theel) and her main squeeze Tom (David Caruso) are murdered by the alien.  Now the two other teens, the nubile Sandy (Tarah Nutter) and Greg (Christopher S. Nelson) are on the run.  They seek refuge in town and meet up with Sarge again and his buddies Joe (Palance) and Leo (Brand).  Joe wants the kids to take them to the place where they saw their murdered buddies.  Sarge believes the kids are actually the aliens.

As Joe brings Greg and Sandy back into the woods, Sarge follows.  The alien hunter pursues as well and flings his icky creature projectiles.  Joe has a plan and decides to hunt the alien hunter.  Sarge is just a lunatic and only gets in the way.  Greg and Sandy fall in love and even kiss.  With icky jellyfish like projectiles being flung at them, our teens and cranky old men seemed outmatched.  A final showdown seems inevitable but which of the overmatched will survive for this showdown.

The jellyfish projectiles are indeed icky.  The cantankerous old men (Palance and Landau) are a joy to watch.  Sandy and Greg are...well, okay...annoying.  Will the alien spare the nubile Sandy for breeding purposes?  Is the ending of this film big enough for both Sarge and Joe to survive?  Just where can we get our hands on some of these jellyfish projectiles?  Fun, icky, and campy, "Without Warning" is a must see for you B movie lovers.    

Wednesday, July 14, 2021

Creeper, Four Babes, One Pervert, All Humiliation

Okay...this is a wild one.  If you are easily offended by bad taste...tune out now.  Nudity!  A lot of nudity...full frontal nudity.  In the shower, running through the woods, running through fields, climbing out of ponds, face first in a bucket of s%*t...nudity!  Nothing hidden by coy camera shots and a lot of bouncing and jiggling.  Nude babes doing awful things and having even worse things done to them.  Gratuitous shower scenes!.. Today we look at 2012's "Creeper," directed by Matthew Gunnoe.

What!  You want to hear more?  A plot?  A pervert the size of Kane Hodder named Jerry (Darryl Baldwin) gets off on meeting frisky babes in a chat room.  He loves women who tease him and take their clothes off.  Enter four hot babes, Cally (Rohnja Morrow), Erica (Monica Chambers), Dana (Brittney Cardella), and Heather (Tara Dane).  Very hot babes who are ticked off that perves like Jerry are allowed to troll social media and make babes do all sorts of humiliating deeds.  A revenge plot is crafted and the dames, and they are hot, meet Jerry.  Jerry is a humongous war veteran and he has some social disorders.  He drools at the sight of the gals and the gals ask him to do a whole lot of humiliating stuff.

Jerry obeys the quartet of babes as his rewards are getting to see the gals naked, or in the shower, or kissing, or rubbing shower gel all over themselves in the shower.  The gals decide to go one step further and arrange to meet him.  Poor Jerry...the gals gang up on him and murder him and make it look like auto-erotica.  Uh oh!  Jerry isn't dead.  Now he's missing.  His psychiatrist warns that Jerry must be found because if he is off his psych-meds...he could be dangerous.  This won't bode well for our quartet of honeys.  Jerry abducts them while they are nude.  He'll torture and toy with them.  The gals will bicker and Jerry puts his hunt of them on social media and instantly gets 14 million views.  Now the gals are being hunted and the world is cheering for our pervert friend, Jerry.

What does it say about us that we find ourselves cheering for the sex-craved pervert?  These actresses seem entirely too comfortable performing totally nude, do they also make...actually, never mind.  How far does Jerry intend to go in his humiliation of our four beauties?  This one definitely talks to our prurient interests and is not to be discussed at church or book club.  For a steamy time of humiliation and misogyny see "Creeper."    

Monday, July 12, 2021

Dinoshark, Prehistoric Shark Eats Beach Babes and Hunks

Yep...we have a Roger Corman presentation today.  Okay, the characters aren't likable but because they are either hunks or bikini babes we do desire they survive this film.  In what probably appeared on Syfy, 2010's "Dinoshark" is a summer beach movie that will have you avoid Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  This is too bad because that Mexican resort has better drinking water than Flint, Michigan.  Directed by Kevin O'Neill, this film will always be remembered for the monster fish eating a really annoying girls water-polo team.

Because of global warming (yawn!) a prehistoric shark comes to the waters off Puerto Vallarta and starts feeding on bikini babes and hunks.  Rita (Christine Nicole) will have her bottom half bitten off and her buddies will be very sad.  These buddies are loser hunk Trace (Eric Balfour) and marine biologist/water-polo coach Carol (Iva Hasperger).  The two will team up and annoy us (just mute it).  She will wear some nice bikinis and he will have his shirt off a lot.  Bikini babe Lois (Liv Boughn) and her sugar-daddy Steve (Richard Miller) will get eaten next.  No one is too broken up about these saps.  Bad news for Carol, some old geezer is really making a play for her and the ick factor is maxed out.

Okay, Carol and Trace have a friend with rocket launchers and grenades...don't we all.  Luis (Aaron Diaz), another shirtless hunk brings them to the shore.  He'll be useless and be eaten.  Now Carol determines that the monster is heading into the canal where her girls water-polo team is playing.  Fortunately she won't be in time to save the bickering brats.  Here comes Roger Corman...really!  He tells Carol how to kill the monster.  Now Trace and Carol are on the offensive for one of the greatest endings to any shark movie since "Jaws 2."

With modern technology can another version of this film be released without the stupid global warming crap in it...and much of the dialogue?  Do bikini babes with nice tans even need dialogue?  Can we expect to see more films where prehistoric sharks rip apart annoying water-polo teams? As annoying as many of the characters are, we do feel bad for Carol that the only guy trying to get in her pants is some old slimy geezer.  For summer fun see "Dinoshark."  


Saturday, July 10, 2021

Hitcher in the Dark, Giallo Comes to Virginia Beach

The 1990s delivered us two great tragedies.  One, the Clintons!  The second is that Heather Locklear and Josie Bissett never had a cat-fight on "Melrose Place."  Josie Bissett was one of TV's hottest vixens in the 1990s.  Before that, she was a sultry babe in a Umberto Lenzi film in which she underwent humiliating torture and rape for 90 minutes.  Today we look at 1988's "Hitcher in the Dark." 

Mark (Joe Balogh) is a 20 year old hunk driving up and down the roads of Virginia Beach looking for beautiful babes to rape, torture, and murder.  He drives a Winnebago and as the film begins, this rich kid with mommy issues is raping and slicing up a beautiful blonde in his motorhome.  Then he sees the nubile Daniela (Bissett) and decides he must have her.  Daniela has just dumped her two-timing boyfriend and Mark abducts her.  He'll drug her, strip her, rape her, slap her around, rape her some more, and rape her some more.  Poor Daniela, Mark takes Polaroids of her while she is drugged and naked.  Daniela will spend most of her time chained up in the Winnebago.  

Mark abuses the snot out of her and even insists on watching her showering and going to the bathroom.  He'll cut most of her hair off to make Daniela look like his mother...who he "loves."  Yep, Mark has an unhealthy attraction to his mother who abandoned him 10 years ago.  Searching for Daniela is her now ex-boyfriend Kevin (Jason Saucier).  He wants Daniela back...we can't blame him, she is a dish and a half.  Kevin will be distracted by a gratuitous wet T-shirt contest and give Mark time to slap and rape Daniela around some more.  As Daniela gets bruised and bloodied she has an idea...seduce Mark instead of resisting.  This doesn't work and causes Mark to slap her harder.   Now Mark is losing more of his sanity and starts murdering blokes to keep Daniela in his Winnebago.  Daniela seems doomed and...well, you'll see.

Daniela's fate is an ominous one and it is difficult to watch the abuse dumped on her by Mark.  Does Daniela have a chance of escape?  Will Josie Bissett suffer the same fate so many nubile babes suffer in Giallo films?  Did the absolute pounding Josie Bissett took in this film prepare her for her role in "Melrose Place" a few years later?  Not the feel good film of 1988, this Umberto Lenzi work is heartbreaking and quite perverted.  For a movie watching experience that will tickle your prurient interests, see "Hitcher in the Dark."

 

Thursday, July 8, 2021

Sleeping Dogs Lie, Love Triangle, Greed, and Murder

All men are lying pigs!  All women are lying pigs!  Today we have a film where everyone in it is...well, you'll see.  With a great looking cast, the cheese and beef will be thrown at you in bloody deceit.  A basic tale, with basic twists, and some prurient plot devices, is what today's film, 2018's "Sleeping Dogs Lie" (directed by Konstantinos Kovas) gives us.

As the film begins we have a steamy hot bikini scene with actress/model Vanessa Llamas.  This will have nothing to do with the story...but that's okay.  Armando (Miguel Angel Caballero) is an accountant who has just ripped a client off.  Now he has $18 million in a secret bank account. His client isn't happy and is murdering his way to Armando.  Luna (Joanna Zanella) is his hot secretary who he plans to run away with.  As Luna gives Armando oral sex, his wife walks in.  Eleni (Markella Giannatou) is ticked!  At gunpoint she kidnaps Armando and Luna and brings them to an abandoned desert motel.  There she intends to torture both of them until she gets the password for the secret bank account.

Initially Eleni has the upper hand and inflicts bloody and excruciating torture on her cheating husband.  He refuses to cough up the password.  Uh oh...is Armando the only double-crossing son of a b*&%h in the room?  Uh oh again, Armando escapes and finds machetes and bear traps...and now he's ticked off.  To make matters worse a gratuitous shower scene occurs...between who?  You'll see.  Now three great looking characters are played off one another.  Luna, the hot secretary?  Guess which side she is on?  Don't guess too fast.  A bloody ending seems to be a sure bet.

Is Eleni really the victim of a bad marriage and a heel of a husband?  Is Luna really an innocent, albeit deviant, babe caught in the crossfire between warring spouses?  Where can we see more of bikini babe Vanessa Llamas?  This is a fast-paced film filled with twists, gore, and steamy nudity and sex.  For a fun time during a hot summer, see "Sleeping Dogs Lie."

  

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

Killing Joan, Avenging Demon

Jamie Bernadette beset by demon tentacles!? Yep...you'll have to watch this film to see it..no spoilers here.  Okay IMDB gives our feature today a 2.8/10  rating...elitist pigs!  Ms. Bernadette is a sultry actress exuding allure and eroticism in every scene she is in.  Today, clad in tight jeans and a sexy leather jacket she plays an assassin turned demon.  In an ambitious plot, 2018's "Killing Joan" (directed by Todd Bartoo) may not get a lot of love from the critics, but Ms. Bernadette turns in a steamy performance filled with vengeance and allure.

Joan (Bernadette) is a thug/assassin working for the suave Frank (David Carey Foster).  Uh oh...Joan is liking the assassin part of her job better than the thug part.  As she becomes too eager to murder, Frank deems her a liability...and replaceable.  Yep...Frank assigns his new heavy, Miles (Erik Aude) to murder Joan.  Miles does a great job and beats her to a pulp in the process.  This is sad as Joan has had some steamy pre-marital sex (including a threesome) so far in this film.  There is good news...Joan comes back and will have more steamy pre-marital sex scenes.  Now Joan is a demon able to walk through walls and shoot demon vibes.

Now Joan sees herself as an avenging angel...not a demon.  She'll try to gain back an old boyfriend, Anthony (Teo Celigo).  He's a hunk and a good guy.  She'll pop up in his bed in a supernatural manner and aim to seduce.  Joan also has a vicious side...I guess this is nothing new.  When Frank notices his muscle are dying horribly he finally figures out Joan is back.  Frank also gets more homicidal and unfortunately for Joan...he is not unequipped to deal with Joan's new persona.  Now the sultry Joan  will realize she can still get the s#*t kicked out of her and she will even have a alluring cat-fight.

What exactly is Frank capable of doing to the vengeful demon that is wiping out his crew?  Will Anthony find out the basics of having pre-marital sex with an otherworldly demon?  Even if Joan does prevail, what is her fate...a seductress? Avenging ange?  Ms. Bernadette is alluring to the max and the plot becomes very ambitious.  For a steamy and vicious good time see "Killing Joan."

Sunday, July 4, 2021

The Killer Shrews, Miss Sweden vs. Toothy Buggers

Ingrid Goude won the Miss Sweden Pageant in 1956 and came in second in the Miss Universe Pageant. Back then, those contestants were really the most beautiful the world had to offer. Today's pageant winners more resemble the shrews in the 1959 film "The Killer Shrews" (at least in their political correctness). Nevertheless, Ms. Goude is a real dame...and her performance in this Ray Kellogg film couldn't have been more alluring. Exactly what was her role in "The Killer Shrews"? Who cares...she's Miss Sweden!

Thorne (James Best) and his mate, Rook (Judge Henry Dupree) sail a yacht to godforsaken Florida island. They meet the party that hires them, immediately. Jerry (Ken Curtis), Dr. Craigis (Barach Lumet), and the doctor's sultry daughter, Ann (Goude). They look worried when Thorne tells them that they can't go anywhere today as a hurricane is fast approaching.  Rook stays with the boat and eventually be the first one eaten. Thorne is invited to Craigis' house/laboratory. There he'll fall in love with Miss Sweden...as will we. Uh oh...the hurry to get off the island is because of one of Craigis' experiments. He has succeeded in tampering with the genes of the mouse-like shrew. Now the shrew, or 300 shrews, are as big as wolves and their teeth resemble that of the sabretooth tiger.

The hurricane hits and Jerry gets drunk. Jerry is a brute coward and Ann doesn't love him anymore. Ann, Miss Sweden, loves Thorne. Craigis' assistant, Dr. Baines (Gordon McLendon) tells Thorne the specifics of what they're up against. The shrews eat twice their own body weight in food everyday...and humans are the only food remaining. The shrews will attack and find ways to get into the house. One by one, the inhabitants fall to the toothy menaces. Miss Sweden goes more and more goo-goo over Thorne. Now Jerry gets drunker and plots Thorne's demise. Miss Sweden will scream nicely and proves to be quite the damsel. Now as the shrews totally penetrate the fences and walls, Thorne comes up with a wild plan that just may work.

Are beastly shrews frothing to pick apart Miss Sweden a macabre foretelling of the 21st century revolt against beauty and purity? Will Thorne have more to worry about from the jealous Jerry or the killer shrews? Is Ingrid Goude too beautiful to die in a B movie classic? This is a classic horror film with terrific performances and nice cheesecake and beefcake. For a terrific creature feature evening, see Miss Sweden in "The Killer Shrews."

  

Friday, July 2, 2021

Attraction, The Russian E.T.

Okay...the comparison to "E.T." is a bad one.  The sickeningly sweet and cute alien in "E.T." was suitable for little kids.  In this 2017 Fedor Bondachuk film, from Russia, the alien is quite the hunk...suitable for any teen-age gal.  With catastrophic special effects and "Romeo and Juliet" type protagonists, "Attraction" is a standard love story set in Moscow as a downed U.F.O. plays havoc with former Communists.  Moscow is one of the most expensive cities to live in and visit, and it will only get worse as an alien vessel causes much destruction.

A damaged alien vessel falls into Earth's atmosphere.  The paranoid Russians send jets and try to finish it off.  Oops...as the U.F.O. is hit by missiles it crash lands in Moscow killing hundred.  Uh oh...the lovely Sveta (Darya Rudenok) is one of the casualties.  Her best friend, the babe Julia (Irina Staeshenbaum) is irate and vows revenge.  Now get this...the voice of reason...the Russian army!  Colonel Lebedev (Oleg Menshikov) implores the government to stand down.  Lebedev, who is also Julia's dad, braved the debris and fallout and approached the crashed vessel.  There he communicated with the thing and was told all they wanted to do was repair the ship and be off.  He also observed that the damaged vessel could destroy the whole city if provoked.


Ticked off her BFF swims with the fishes, Julia grabs a revolver, her high school chums, and sneaks into the crash site.  Before she can get to the vessel, she is surprised by a menacing looking alien.  She fires and out of fright falls off a skyscraper.  She is saved by the alien who is thanked by being pushed off the same building by Julia's buddies.  50 stories below, the alien is dying and his menacing spacesuit has broken off.  Julia sees that he is a hunk and saves his life.  Now the alien, Hakon (Rinal Mukhametov) and Julia traipse through Moscow,  fall in love...go to concerts, swap spit...and chow down.  Uh oh...the army is okay to let the invaders fix the ship and leave, but the city's youth want them destroyed.  The thought to be invaders are seen as a drain on Moscow's water system and the ecologically conscience youths aren't happy with the depleting water level of the Moscow River...really.

Will Hakon be able to fix his ship before the rabid environmentalists breach the army barricade and relegate the U.F.O. to scrap metal?  Will the Russian army do the universe a big favor and incinerate the environmentalists?  Will Julia and Hakon swap more bodily fluids other than spit?  This is a neat scifi film with great shots of Moscow...and of Moscow in ruins.  All you scifi fans get off this idiotic "Star Wars" bandwagon and start watching real science fiction again.  Enjoy a non-Disney scifi film and see "Attraction."