Sunday, April 29, 2018

Vampire Chicks With Chainsaws, Yes!!!

Okay, so perhaps this feature is merely a trailer trash version of "Underworld." So what! A pseudo-Goth brunette in a black latex bodysuit is never a bad idea for a main character. With lots of chainsaw action, cat-fight action, cat-fight in mud action, and gallons of blood, 2006's "Vampire Chicks With Chainsaws" is a story ripped right out of today's headlines. So what is this film about? Seriously? As if that matters.
Okay, here goes. Quinn (Adam Abram) is a schmuck living in a trailer. He's a great character, seemingly taken out of a film noir private eye flick. Handy with an axe, fate will deal him a blow. Fleeing Dodge, he runs over vampire-babe Sariah (Olesya Rulin). This vixen then injects him with a serum that is poisonous to vampires...thus vampires can never drink his blood. Why? Well, a coven (probably not the right word) of vampire chicks are being hunted by aliens, called Outlanders. Outlanders want that serum, now inside Quinn, as it is the only weapon that can slay vampire chicks. Meanwhile, the chicks capture Quinn as they don't know why their arch-enemies want him so badly. When the sultry Karel (Jenna Lisonbee), clad in the aforementioned latex, realizes that her sister gave Quinn the serum, she comes up with a plot that will pit her against her vampire-vixen sisters.
Karel flees with Quinn in order to find and save her sister. After Sariah gave Quinn the injection, the Outlanders captured her and subjected her to infinite torture and humiliation. As Quinn and Karel run, the Outlanders and other vampire chicks chase them. Lots of carnage will follow, but the vampire chick cat-fighting will be classic. Of course, the schmuck Quinn and Karel will grow affectionate...sort of a poor man's Selene and Michael type of pair...except they probably don't smell as nice.
Will Karel and Quinn be able to save the beautiful Sariah from unspeakable ruination at the hands of the alien foe? Who will emerge the champion of the undead cat-fighting tournament? Could Karel and Quinn find happiness in a double-wide?  Directed by Carlos Don Diego, "Vampire Chicks With Chainsaws" is the perfect date night movie...if your dating a lunatic.  Totally enjoyable and even though the setting is less glamorous than the settings in the "Underworld" franchise, Jenna Lisonbee's Karel exudes allure and grace...albeit with a chainsaw and mud-wrestling prowess. Boldly enjoy "Vampire Chicks With Chainsaws" and don't be ashamed to tell all your friends about it.

Friday, April 27, 2018

Razor Blade Smile, Vampire Assassin

The sultry Lilith. She dons a tight leather latex body suit. A coffin adorns her bedroom, stuffed with swords, knives, pistols, machine-guns, and various other blades. Oh yes...she's a centuries old vampire with very menacing fangs (good luck finding her on A few years before Kate Beckinsale became a household name, as the "Underworld" franchise was born, Eileen Daly was Lilith in 1998's "Razor Blade Smile." With lots of spurting blood, gratuitous sex scenes, and many decapitations, we can forgive the faults of this tale and enjoy it for its obvious assets.
Hundreds of years old, the vampire Lilith runs a club catering to vampire wannabes. That's just a cover, however. Her real job is that of an assassin. Of course, beautiful women clad in tight latex suits are either vampires or this case, Lilith is both. We go with her on one of her kills, some rich guy. She offs him in the bathtub and also drinks his blood. Uh oh...this guy is part of a secret society that pretty much runs the world. You know, the Illuminati. Now, Lilith is on the run. The other power brokers figure out that she is the assassin, as their own cop, Det. Price (Jonathan Coote) is on the case. Oh yes, the vampire Lilith has needs...blood! While hiding she enjoys lots of sex...mixed with blood. She seduces vamp-wannabe Ariauna (Heidi James). In a blood red love scene, the two find ecstasy before Ariauna's blood is splattered all over her walls.
More sex...Platinum (Kevin Howarth). Platinum is her boss...he gives Lilith the names of the people she needs to kill. No questions asked. She should have asked a few, however. These two have a lot of pre-marital sex and Lilith admits to loving him. Alas...when a beautiful vamp finds love...the blood splatters all over the place. Now the Illuminati grabs Platinum, and flushes Lilith out into the open. With the Illuminati seeming to have an advantage on our babe vampire, Lilith will find out that this group is headed by a very old (...very, very old) acquaintance. Yep, you guessed it, the chap who turned her into a vampire centuries ago, Sethane Blake (Christopher Adamson).
Does Lilith have what it takes to deliver final vengeance on Sethane, and save her lover, Platinum? Did Kate Beckinsale watch "Razor Blade Smile" when she was cast as the role of Selene? Just how does one do all of those tricky sword maneuvers while wearing a latex suit several sizes too small? A bit rough around the edges, and not as well presented as "Underworld," "Razor Blade Smile" is a lot of fun and Eileen Daly plays to the camera very well.  For some gratuitous sex and gore, with fangs and swords...enjoy this Jake West creation, "Razor Blade Smile."   

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Silent Venom, Snakes on a Submarine

Krista Allen from "Baywatch" as the world's leading scientist on snake venom? Luke Perry from "Beverly Hills 90210" as a submarine commander? Hey...if Hollywood can cast a plain-Jane for the new "Wonder Woman" or "Duane "The Rock" Johnson as anything...Ms. Allen and Mr. Perry have nothing to answer for in their roles in 2009's "Silent Venom." Beware...also cast are dozens of poisonous, slithery snakes, including two gigantic monster vipers.
Dr. Andrea Swanson (Allen) and her greedy assistant Jake (Louis Mandylor) are researching snake venom on an island. Their experiments unintentionally yield some giant monster snakes. This venom research could eventually lead to a formula that would make soldiers immune to the affects of biological weapons.  Bad news...the Chinese navy is heading toward the island for military drills. Enter the U.S. Navy. Needing to evacuate Andrea, Jake, and their research before the Chinese get a hold of it, a submarine commanded by Luke Perry is sent to pick them up. Jake, who seeks to sell the snakes on the black market, smuggles dozens of poisonous monsters onto the sub, along with the two giant mutations.
Yep...they get out. At first, no one knows. Naturally Andrea takes a shower...Krista Allen seems to do this well. Then sailors get bitten. Before long, the submarine is infested with slithery killers. More bad news! The Chinese navy begins to hunt Luke Perry's sub and a depth charge knocks out a lot of its power. In the dim light, the snakes become more aggressive. Fresh from her shower, Andrea tries to help out, but she has a very limited amount of anti-venom. Before long the two mutant snakes bust out and begin feeding. Andrea will be put in much peril and at one point have a dozen snakes crawling all over her with only Luke Perry there to save her. As the Chinese get as aggressive as the vipers, Luke Perry comes up with a plan.
Will Commander Luke Perry be able to save his crew, and the sultry Dr.Andrea? Is Andrea a metaphor for Eve from the Garden of Eden, and the snakes a metaphor for original sin? No! Will Andrea take another shower? Directed by Fred Olen Ray, "Silent Venom" is an icky tale of those slithering buggers aboard a submarine. Say what you wish about this film, it is a far better tale than the preachy "Crimson Tide."

Monday, April 23, 2018

Hideous!, Mutants and a Topless Gorilla

It is the most off-beat heist scenes ever put on film. Picture this...on a snow covered Pennsylvania road a beautiful slut, topless, with leather hot-pants, and disguised with a gorilla mask robs a French man, at gunpoint of a mutant fetus. Yep, this is a Charles Band epic...1997's "Hideous!" There is something so right about that scene...what?  Who knows.
The crew at a sewage treatment plant finds a grotesque fetus mixed in with human waste. This monstrosity ends up in the hands of fetus broker Belinda (Tracie May). She arranges to sell the ugly thing to fetus collector Napoleon Lazar (Mel Jackson, Jr.). This infuriates the mad-scientist, Dr. Lorca (Michael Citriniti), who covets the thing for his collection. The blonde skank receptionist, Elvina (Rhonda Griffin) tips Lorca off and the aforementioned heist is arranged. With Lorca in possession of this mutant fetus, Belinda and Lazar hire private eye Kantor (Jerry O'Donnell)  to retrieve the thing.
After getting the sultry Elvina to confess, this quartet heads over to Lorca's castle to retrieve the goods. Uh oh...the fetus wasn't dead.  The mutated thing not only busts out of its specimen jar, but is able to animate three other mutant fetuses.  Now the four fiends are loose in Lorca's castle.
Unbeknownst to the humans, the fiends begin to communicate and get smarter. As the humans bicker, and the constantly topless Sheila (Jacqueline Lovell), the one with the gorilla mask, then holds Kantor, Belinda, and Elvina at gunpoint before locking them up. Discovering his fetuses are missing, Lorca desperately tries to find them. The monsters are growing in intellect...and libido...quickly and they begin to move on the humans. The skank Elvina will be sexually assaulted in what some may consider a tasteless scene, and her demise will be least to the lovelorn fetus that assaulted her. With the fetuses gaining in smarts, and the humans bickering, the advantage would appear to go to the monsters.
With Elvina gone, will the horny fetus accost either Belinda or Sheila? What do the mutants have in mind for their mad-scientist captor, Lorca? Will Sheila, the skank with the leather hot-pants, ever put a top on? This is a fun one and the gratuitous scenes will warm the heart.  The slimy mutants are creepy and revolting and their desire for beautiful women is right out of a Roger Corman work. For some intellectual entertainment, ripped out of today's headlines, enjoy "Hideous!"

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Daylight's End, Vampires Do Dallas

Dallas is overrun, but fear not. The Dallas Police Department is still protecting and serving. Even better, guess who their chief is? Lance Henriksen! When vampires overtake your city, this is the guy you want fighting for you! Hence 2016's "Daylight's End." Fans of "The Walking Dead" (Season 1) and "The Road Warrior" will love this one. Hordes of vampires, well armed survivors, and plenty of machine guns...YES!!!
Three years ago a plague wiped out the world. Plague? Yep, turned most people into vampires (perhaps this plot device alone provides all the social commentary we need). Dallas' only survivors have fortified themselves into the DPD headquarters. Along comes Rourke (Johnny Strong). A Mad Max type guy who hails from New York. He has been killing vampire hordes ever since the plague took his wife. After several cops are ambushed by human scum, Rourke saves the very pretty Samantha (Chelsea Edmundson). Sam brings Rourke back to the DPD and the chief doesn't trust him. Uh oh...the vampires attack every night, but lately they are organized and led by an alpha-vampire (Krzysztof Sorzynski). The survivors have a plan to caravan to a working airplane and fly to a survival colony in Baja.  Rourke has a different plan.
Rourke believes the destruction of the alpha will destroy the vampire horde. The horde dwells in an old hotel, and Rourke wants to raid it and kill the alpha. The chief doesn't have enough faith in his new drifter pal to go along with him. As the vampires find ways into the DPD, and survivors start getting eaten, they better do something fast. Uh oh...the alpha seems to recognize Rourke, and he him...or it. The two seem to have a history and the alpha and Rourke are headed for a showdown...Texas style.
Will Rourke prevail against the alpha-monster? Is the plan to fly an airplane to Baja as stupid as it sounds? Will Sam and Rourke hook-up, or is Sam destined to be a vampire bride? Where is all this ammo coming from, three years after the apocalypse? Directed by William Kaufman, "Daylight's End" is an action-packed, shoot 'em up man versus vampire horde film.  For those of us ruing the demise of "The Walking Dead," enjoy this flick which captures all the good which originally endeared us to that show.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Lake Fear 3, The Thing meets The Evil Dead

Michael and Gerald Crum would have been my best buddies in the 80s. We obviously loved the same films. "John Carpenter's The Thing," "Poltergeist," "The Evil Dead," "Paranormal Activity," "The Blair Witch Project" all come to life in this year's "Lake Fear 3." I'm going to have to view this one again as I know I have missed some references. This writer/ director combo deliver us a maniacal demon, guts spewing, bloodbath of terror...just the way we like it.
We first meet Remi (Joshua Winch) in a scene that will make fans of "The Thing" cheer...think the CPR scene. Like many of us, Remi is always covered with human guts (usually someone else's) and in bad need of an adult beverage.  Its apparent that these demons are pursuing him, endangering everyone he meets.  He is...well...a poor man's Ash (...think "The Evil Dead"). Enter the ravishing, blonde Revel (Shanon Snedden). The buxom, nubile babe is hitting the streets looking for her sister who went missing two years ago. Look fast as Revel won't be ravishing too much longer. Accompanying her is a sultry brunette, Chloe (KateLynn E. Newberry). As Revel's BFF, Chloe worries that her pal's obsession may lead to bad will. With no clues as to the sister's whereabouts, the babe-duo come across Vincent (Devi Khajishvili)...think Syfy's Jonathan Edwards. The gals hope this TV personality/fraud can contact the other side to get a line on the sister's whereabouts.
This now trio will hit a bar for an adult beverage and a poor man's seance. Too bad for them as it is the same establishment Remi shows up...thus, all of his demon pursuers, as well. After some shotgun carnage, Revel is overtaken by a demon and all her beauty is replaced by bloody horror. Now Revel tries to eat Chloe and Vincent. A bit slow on the uptake, Remi saves the two survivors and flees. This new trio is now pursued by Revel, who wants to eat more of Chloe...okay, I'm not going to say, "...and who wouldn't?" Vincent and Chloe get some bad news from the mysterious drifter, he has a plan to get rid of the pursuing demons. Of course Remi's plan will be fraught with blood-spattering danger and bring our good peeps face to face with angrier demons.
What follows is a war against the ungodly. Will our trio survive their demon tormentors? Will Chloe remain a babe and avoid being digested by her former BFF? Will Remi enjoy the good fortune, if you can call it that, which Ash enjoyed in "The Evil Dead"? Guts will fly, faces will be ripped off, appendages will turn into slimy monsters! Enjoy "Lake Fear 3," and count the number of homages to classic horror films which appear on the screen.     

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Dark House, Psyche Issues in a Haunted House

The haunted house! Add in some great looking young actors and actresses, a bunch of complicated computer technology, some malignant ghosts...and yes, a proclivity for making bad decisions and we have 2009's "Dark House." As light and playful as this film could have been, instead director Darin Scott gives us a dark and ominous gore-fest. Oh yes...this film stars Jeffrey Combs.
Many years ago Mrs. Darrode (Diane Salinger) murders her seven foster kids and shoves her own arm into a garbage disposal to commit suicide. The bodies are discovered by a little girl who entered the home on a dare. 14 years later, that little girl Claire (Meghan Ory) is grown up and seeking heavy psychological help for depression, anxiety, insomnia, etc. Her discovery many years ago has left her a mess, and suicidal. Claire is part of an advanced acting class which gets hired by show-man Walston Ray (Combs). Ray has opened up haunted houses all around the country (sort of a demented Walt Disney). His newest venture is the Darrode house. Claire is certain that facing her fears, or a return to the horrible events in her past, will cure her of her psychological maladies (...yeah right!). She doesn't tell anyone that she has been in the house before, convinced there is no danger.
Combs has hired the cast to assume roles in the haunted house. Claire will be the horror guide, entrusted with touring some reporters through the attractions. The house is equipped with a complicated computer system that generates horrific holograms to torment visitors. Oh oh! Ghosts don't have a sense of humor an they take over the computer and now instead of holographic images, the scares will be from ticked-off ghosts of murdered children and Mrs. Darrode, herself. The actors and actresses will die quite horribly one by one. An iron maiden, a mad scientist's acid, and a monsters long fingernails will dispose of some of the cast. Meanwhile, Walston, seeing his investment plummet, thinks up ways to make the carnage work for him. As the ghosts whittle down the living, Claire has an opportunity to really face her fears from 14 years ago.
Do the ghosts and Mrs. Darrode have something special planned for Claire? Will Walston be able to exploit the carnage that is unfolding before his eyes? Will either Claire or Walston, or any of the other actors or actresses survive this night of terror? Perhaps "Dark House" is a metaphor for the dangers we all face relying too heavily on computer technology. More likely, however, this film is a modern day haunted house film utilizing gore and an attractive cast to deliver thrills and chills. For a neat Jeffrey Combs horror film, enjoy "Dark House." 

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Gorgo, The Fall of London

Very sad! I just read that for the first time ever London has a higher homicide rate than New York City. No...New York isn't improving...rather, London is tanking. A once great city with a heroic identity.  Winston Churchill...Queen Elizabeth...Sherlock Holmes. The noble have given way to evil criminals. Perhaps a good metaphor for the fall of London is 1961's "Gorgo." In this epic, London is destroyed, along with the British military.
Joe (Bill Travers) and Sam (William Sylvester) have a pretty good gig going. They operate a salvage vessel. While diving and salvaging off the Irish coast they run afoul of a Gaelic town. The locals don't want them salvaging all the gold just off the shores. No matter, after a volcanic eruption, a 65 foot tall dinosaur monster runs amok through the town. Many will die. Joe and Sam make the town an offer they can't refuse...for a portion of their spoils, the salvage duo will rid them of the behemoth. These guys are too much and ask themselves how much a live dinosaur would be worth in London? Yep, you guessed it, they pull a "King Kong" and capture the giant and haul him to the city and sell it to a circus.
The monster sells out every night, but the poor Londoners get some bad news. This thing is only a baby and mom is on her way! Mom is 200 feet tall and goes through the navy like crap through a goose. Up the Thames like a slick John Thomas up a business girl, and now it contends with the British army. No contest! As Londoners are crushed and retreating into subways, Gorgo searches for its 65 foot offspring. As Big Ben and The Tower of London are destroyed, mom seeks son and anyone in between will be stepped on.
With the military gone, is there any hope of stopping Gorgo from sacking London? Is this 1961 film a sage foretelling of the decline of London? Is there anything wrong in cheering for the monsters in films like these? Not quite "Godzilla," "Gorgo is still a lot of fun. The cheesy effects are actually pretty good. For a very entertaining monster movie in which Tokyo isn't the victim, enjoy "Gorgo," directed by Eugene Lourie.

Friday, April 13, 2018

Angel: Black Angel, Nymphomaniacs and the Men They Love

How do you know if you have married a nymphomaniac? If, while driving away from the church on your wedding day, the lovely bride, clad in a white gown, satisfies you orally while the two of you are speeding down the highway. This may come as a surprise to many of you, but on occasion, this doesn't end well. Ecstasy and orgasm one moment and a split second later....BOOM!!! Head on collision. Hence our film today, from Italy 1989's "Angel: Black Angel" (aka "Arabella l'Angelo Nero").
The sultry Arabella (Tini Cansino) is a nymphomaniac. We first meet her attending a wild orgy in an abandoned mansion. She is ravaged by a couple of guys during a threesome and a cop who should have been arresting her. Arabella is leading a secret sex life as her husband Frank (Francesco Casale) is confined to a wheelchair after the wedding day collision. She has needs and he can't meet them. The cop who raped her at the orgy finds Arabella and blackmails her into having sex on the mansion grounds. Frank sees this and is turned on, and inspired. Watching his hot wife in the throes of passion rids Frank of his writer's block and he sends her out on deviant trysts. In return, Arabella reports all the sordid details to him when she returns, which he compiles for his next book.
Uh oh! The men Arabella has weird sex with end up castrated by a scissors and gutted. On the case is the sultry Inspector Gina (Valentina Visconti). She is beautiful and has a really hot lesbian lover. Uh oh, the beautiful lover, Agnese (Rena Niehaus) betrays and humiliates Gina. Agnese will slap her silly in a cat-fight and dump her superior (Agnese is one of Gina's detectives). Can you guess Agnese's fate? Right, a scissors up her...well, you know.  Now Gina is the number one suspect and to clear her name she must find the real killer. As Gina is led to Arabella and her household she will either solve the case or end up skewered by a rusty scrap-booking implement.
Could our nympho-babe, Arabella, also be the killer? Is Frank's book destined for the bestseller list in either the fiction or 'how to' sections? Will Gina and Arabella engage in a deadly cat-fight or end up in a passionate love scene? Sordid and deviant, there is nudity on the screen in about 44 of this film's 88 minutes. Fans of Giallo will figure out the surprise ending but the arousal factor will make up for that. For a great cinematic experience that you won't mention in polite company, enjoy "Angel: Black Angel," directed by Stelvio Massi.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Death Truck, Carnage and Gratuitous Nudity in a Comic

SCREEEECH! A monster truck! AIEEEEEHHHH! Families torn apart, limb from limb! WHOOOOOAAA! A demented lesbian mechanic and her stripper lover! Horror fans seeking blood red carnage and gratuitous nudity and sex...Paul PJ Johnson has made a graphic novel for all of us..."Death Truck." As the creator, writer, and illustrator, Mr. Johnson takes us on a 120 page ride which screams sex and violence the whole time as horror and science fiction blend. For those of us who loved 1974's "Killdozer" as children, we now have a vicious Rated R version to shock us adults.
Where did it come from? You'll find out, and the answer is wild. In the meantime a killer truck is plowing through Texas. Destruction and mayhem, and homicide is its only goal and anyone in its way, the more innocent the better, is torn apart by this mechanical fiend. Motorcyclists, joyriders, and families just getting out of church are torn limb from limb in very gory fashion. Enter our nymphomaniac-lesbian Cat...a tough mechanic with a stripper GF. Tough as nails, and just what the truck needs. In addition to the carnage, this thing possesses Cat and puts her at the wheel. No longer a lesbian nympho mechanic, but now the driver of a horrific mechanized beast. Oh yeah...the demented General Claymore. We have to give this General Patton wannabe credit...he wants the truck. His goal is capture and then...I guess use it as his own weapon. Under total control of the truck, Cat drives the thing through Texas and won't stop until everyone is dead.
What is this thing and why is it doing such horrible things to the Lone Star State? The answers come in the second half of the comic. Enter a weird escaped mass murderer with a mysterious knowledge of the devil.  As Cat and the machine leave a trail of blood, guts, and bodies across the red landscape, her only salvation may be the mysterious fiend who might be a mass child murderer. As our general, and the cops close in on this travesty, Cat and her pursuer may be the only hope to save mankind from a truck that makes Killdozer look like Thomas the Tank Engine. No spoilers here, but what unfolds will be gratuitous (in nudity and gore) and unrelenting.
Paul PJ Johnson has created a vicious and blood splattered graphic novel that earns a hard Rated R (just the way we like 'em). The artistry captures the violence and horror...and of course the blood, so well. Everything in this world is loud, including the sex and nudity which match the blood and severed limbs in intensity. The ending is shocking and the reveal is one that will make you gasp. Nothing in this story will be easy, including the fate of our ready to wince. For some violent and gory artwork which tells a great exploitation horror-scifi story, read Mr. Johnson's "Death Truck."

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Other Halves, A Killer Dating App

You like long walks on the beach. Puppies and kittens warm your heart. You like a good sense of humor and someone who is sensitive to your needs. The sight of spurting blood turns you on and you're attracted to.... Wait! Stop!  Yep...the real you...all of you, not just the half you want people to see. Wouldn't it be nice if a dating app were able to put the whole (and real) you out there to find your other half. Or would this be a ghastly horror story. Hence 2015's "Other Halves."
Some very attractive coders are just hours away from releasing their new dating app, Other Halves. The bisexual, and quite sultry Jasmine (Mercedes Manning) leads the team. German Euro-babe Jana (Melanie Friedrich) created this app (...or did she?), and there are still bugs that need to be fixed. Uh oh...we see glimpses of a very homicidal, and nymphomaniacal Jasmine...she has a proclivity to kill her lovers in the throes of pre-marital sex...but why? Concealing her secrets, Jasmine is cracking the whip to get her coders to fix the bugs. Distraction alert! Beth (Megan Hui), Asian babe, has a perfect he-man BF, Mike (Carson Nicely). His mere presence sends everyone's libido through the roof...and the app takes notice. The lone male coder, Shawn (Sam Schweikert) lusts for Beth, but Mike is in the way. A motive for everyone. A motive for what? The app knows.
The app is genius, it not only helps you find your other a dating sense, but also lets your other halves come out of their cages. You might like long walks on the beach, but you also like spurting blood and sex know. As all our coders are exposed to their own app, murder and sex take over their psyches. The beautiful will die horribly at the hands of the other beautiful. Blood will fly, torsos will be stabbed, and passionate forbidden sex will rule. Uh oh... Euro-babe, Elle (Lianna Liew) returns. Did she create the app? Why has she returned, and why was she eschewed by the group?
Do any of these beauties have what it takes to be a surviving final-girl? Do either Mike or Shawn have a chance with these vixens, sexually or survival wise? What will happen if this app is rolled out to the world? The actresses and actors are great looking and embrace their characters so well. The plot is fast paced, and blood soaked. Director Matthew T. Price does a fine job in creating a film that reminds us that not all of our traits need to be let out of their cages. For some thought provoking horror, very relevant in a world controlled by our phones, see "Other Halves." Oh did I know you are turned on by spurting blood and like sex with...okay, I won't say it. Simple answer, I have the app.

Monday, April 9, 2018

Killing Spree, Jealousy and Erotic Fiction

Writers of romance or erotic fiction really do provide a service. Regardless of what the real world delivers to someone, there is a need for something spicier that can enhance the imagination. Perhaps inside the pages of erotica or the next Harlequin Romance are promises of what we could be doing if fate was kinder to our plight. The plight of a writer of this fiction may be tenuous at times, hence we look at straight to VHS "Killing Spree" from 1987.
The sultry stewardess Leeza (Courtney Lercara) makes a huge mistake. She marries the controlling airplane mechanic Tom (Asbestos Felt). Tom has married way out of his league and his jealousy will control this story. Having been cheated on by his first wife, Tom has forced the sultry Leeza to quit her stewardess job and stay home to tend house. As Tom's life seems to crumble he becomes paranoid. Meanwhile Leeza takes a lot of showers and lounges around in a bikini all day. To help earn money, Leeza writes erotic stories which she hopes to sell to Romping Romance magazine. She is inspired when men come to the house to deliver packages, mow the lawn, fix the TV, etc. She imagines afternoon steamy sex with these guys and writes about it in her black notebook.
The increasingly unstable Tom finds this notebook and mistakes it for Leeza's diary. Now in an insane rage, Tom lures these guys back to the house. In each instance he comes up with a most gory way to off these unsuspecting, but innocent men. In one instance he guts the electrician with a chainsaw and attaches his intestines to an electrical source while the schmuck is still alive. As Tom falls further into madness, the methods of execution get gorier and more drawn out. Meanwhile, Leeza remains unsuspecting as she keeps penning her erotic works. A slasher revenge flick? Sure, but just wait! This B movie might more accurately be termed a C movie, but the last 20 minutes is wild. What happens to Tom and Leeza changes this film from a slasher film to a...well, no spoilers here, you'll see.
Will Tom ever realize he has been killing innocent guys? If not, will he turn his wrath to the beautiful Leeza? What surprise waits for Tom in the final minutes of "Killing Spree" that will change the pace of this horror film? Director Tom Ritter piles on the gore and is not afraid to go over-the-top, as evidenced by the last scenes of the film. Gore, sex, and more gore make this a fine straight to VHS offering, and the pretty Leeza is a perfect damsel in much distress with very erotic fantasies. For some fine C movie entertainment, enjoy "Killing Spree."

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Insecticidal, Sorority Attacked by Monsters

Sultry sorority girls in gratuitous shower scenes! Big bug eats sorority sister. Beautiful buxom blonde sorority lesbians in passionate make-out scene. Big bug eats sorority sister. Bikini clad sorority sister in gratuitous hot tub scene. Big preying mantis eats sorority sister. Naked sorority sister in throes of pre-marital sex. Bug eats the face of sorority sister. Ahhh, the girls of Beta Epsilon Gamma...will any of them survive a monster bug invasion? Hence 2005's "Insecticidal," directed by Jeffery Lando.
The lovely Cami (Meghan Heffern) is an entomology major...this chick studies insects. Her sorority sisters thinks she's creepy and when Josi (Rhonda Dent) tries to exterminate her bugs...Armageddon!  Yep, Cami's bugs mutate and become giant monsters. Now a praying mantis, tarantula, scorpion, and other assorted ickies start feasting on nymphomaniac sorority sisters and their hunk boyfriends. These sisters, at first, are too busy having pre-marital sex, lesbian sex, or hot tub sex to notice their buddies are being gutted and eaten by crawling fiends. As the more nymphomaniacal of them fall, Cami joins with her sister Sophi (Samantha McLeod), the ninja Fumi (Vicky Huang), and her BF Martin (Shawn Bachynski) to war against the monsters.
Another problem has developed...Josi the sorority president is turning into a bug. Now the formerly beautiful Josi is a hideous creature with appendages falling off, and plotting against her sisters in this war. Sophi now has revenge on her mind as Josi has eaten her lesbian lover, Jeni (Anna Amoroso). As our feisty gals arm themselves with household weapons that include a blender and water-cooler, Josi gathers her new monster friends and plans a final attack. But wait! Cami is a bug expert! Will Cami be able to concoct a plan that will hit at the weaknesses of these giant insects?
Horror/exploitation all the way. The gratuitous nude and sex scenes will match the bug carnage scenes. Will Cami ever turn her attention to boys, instead of bugs? Will Sophi and Fumi ever turn their attention to the bugs instead of boys, or in Sophi's case...other sorority sisters? Will any of our lovelies survive the horde of giant insects at their sorority house? Are there any ugly women in sorority houses? Wait...who said that? That wasn't me. Fans of nudity and gratuitous shower scenes...I mean fans of giant bug horror will love "Insecticidal." For some nice scares and lots of cheesecake, enjoy this monster film.

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Primal Rage, College Love and a Baboon

Beautiful Florida International University! Every guy is a hunk and every coed is a babe. The campus quad is filled with guys strumming guitars or flexing their pecs, and gals jiggling in aerobic tights. Yep, that is the college we all remember. At FIU love is in the air. A good looking guy meets a beautiful dame and sparks fly. Yep, it always begins that way. There is a but, however. We've all experienced it. Yep...when a mad scientist is entered into this equation and a really mad baboon that love can turn to contagion and carnage...happens all the time. Hence 1988's "Primal Rage."
Mad scientist Ethridge (Bo Svenson) seeks to cure Alzheimer's disease. Regenerating dead brain tissue is the key to this and he is experimenting on a baboon. This won't go well as the ape turns psycho. Meanwhile, campus reporter Sam (Patrick Lowe) meets the nubile and perky Lauren (Cheryl Arutt). They fall in love instantly...very sweet. Uh oh, Sam's reporter pal Duffy (Mitch Watson) decides to sneak into the lab for a story. Duffy will be bitten by the baboon. Okay, back to sweet campus romance. Sam hooks Duffy up with Lauren's hot room-mate Debbie (Sarah Buxton). A double date occurs and the two couples part so they can have privacy for pre-marital sex.
Unfortunately for Debbie, the bite sustained by Duffy turns him into a homicidal and drooling monster. Bad news for Debbie as the hickey Duffy gave her turns her into a beast, as well.
Duffy will pull apart a professor and his skank student who are parked in the woods. Now Duffy is wanted by campus police. He'll go through the cops like crap through a goose. As for Debbie. The formerly hot Debbie is now a grotesque fiend. Hey, after four beers, a grotesque coed can still look pretty good. So when a perverted gang try to gang rape her, she fights them off, bites them, and now three more monsters are unleashed on the campus. Now drunk students on their way to FIU's Halloween party are ripped to shreds by these monsters as Sam and Lauren still harbor hope for helping Debbie. But wait! Our mad-scientist isn't through with Debbie and he has plans for her that may not reside in the bounds of ethical science.
Will the love Sam and Lauren have found survive a monster outbreak and mid-terms? We have all faced that question. Will the once stunning Debbie regain her beauty or forever be the folly of drunk college guys? Exactly what does Ethridge have planned for the maniacal and violent Debbie monster? Perhaps "Primal Rage" is a thinly veiled metaphor of what the American university system turns our youngsters into. Or perhaps it is a warning for the carnage that can result in dating on campus. Either way this is a nice horror story that turns quite gory. Directed by Vittorio Rambaldi, enjoy "Primal Rage" and be taken back on memory lane to a time when the woman or man you dated turned into a real monster.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

The Black Scorpion, Mexico Under Attack

Remember those yucky insect creatures in the pit in 1933's "King Kong"? Well, they're back.  Many of the scenes in which they appeared were edited out of that classic ape film as they were deemed too scary for audiences. Almost a quarter of a century later they Mexico. Yep 1957's "The Black Scorpion" effectively uses that lost footage for some unsettling insect horror. Giant worms and spiders will take a backseat in this one though as an army of gargantuan scorpions decide to cause havoc just south of the border.
A huge volcanic eruption unearths a deadly horror. Unbeknownst to two geologists, Hank (Richard Denning) and Arturo (Carlos Rivas), an underground cave now has opened up near a rural Mexican town. The two scientists travel to San Lorenzo to assess damage and study the eruption. They find almost total destruction, but the good people of the village begin rebuilding. This won't go well as huge scorpions appear out of this long hidden cavern and eat the cattle and townspeople. Fortunately there is one, and only one, babe in town and Hank takes the opportunity to fall in love with the nubile and wealthy rancher, Teresa (Mara Corday).
The monsters hit at night and return to their nest before sun up, so Hank and Arturo decide to descend into the cavern during the day.  This plan will fail miserably, largely due to incompetence. Inside the cavern our duo witness giant insect wars as the monsters feast on each other and turn their appetites to the human intruders. Hank and Arturo are lucky to escape but the plan to kill all the beasts is a stupid one and won't work. As Hank and Teresa suck a lot of face, figuring the monsters are no more, the scorpion horde returns and kills everyone in sight and sets its sight on Mexico City. The scorpions are ruled by a king black scorpion which drools venom.
Will the horde reach Mexico City? Will Hank and Teresa stop sucking face long enough to figure out a semi intelligent plan to defeat the fiends? Are the scorpions a thinly veiled metaphor for the Guatemalan illegal immigrants that infiltrate Mexico every year and drain its social welfare system? The monsters are scary, slimy, and will give you the heebie-jeebies. Fans of the original "King Kong" will recognize some of the beasts, but the special creature effects here are superb. For a terrific monster movie with many scares, and unsettling insect scenes, see "The Black Scorpion," directed by Edward Ludwig.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

The Spawning, Xtro Lives

Oh the images that are implanted on a young teenager's brain. In the 1980's I witnessed those awful things the toothy alien did to Maryam d'Abo in Xtro . Yep...turned her into...well, never mind, it pains me to even write about it. Decades have passed and like all of our torment from the returns. Hence 2017's "The Spawning." Simon Riley has created a most uncomfortable and slimy horror film that you folks will love. Warning, this is hardly a date movie, and perhaps a fitting homage to that sweet young French dame, played by Ms. d'Abo in 1982.
Amy (Zoe Karpeta) is pregnant. Unfortunately her husband John (Liam Millard) can't keep his tallywhacker out of any warm place that flaunts its panties. Meanwhile an alien space vessel lands in the woods ejecting a weird alien (Reid Anderson). This weird thing climbs out of a cocoon type thing and kills a motorist. It won't take long for these two plot lines to merge. After catching John banging a skank in their marital bed, Amy throws him out. Her buddy Karen (Faye Sewell) consoles her at a pub, but during her walk home a fiend (human) tries to rape her. Lucky for her (...or maybe not) she is saved when this weird alien repels her attacker. Life's Bad Move #42, invite your white knight home...Amy does this. Speaking through an electronic device the thing tells Amy his name is Aldan. What happens next is quite disgusting and disturbing.
Aldan has staked claim to the pregnant human and begins a process what? You'll see. Realizing the enormity of her error in hospitality, Amy will endure a horrific night. Whatever Aldan does to Amy is quite otherworldly. When Aldan has departed (...or has he?), John returns and Amy endures an emergency room and police questioning. Whatever Aldan did to her shows no signs at the ER, and the cops don't believe her account of a second sexual assault. Bad news continues...Aldan has a master plan and hasn't left Amy's home. Amy's return will subject her to more horrific probing and eerie alien sexual assault that will leave all of you squirming. Amy's fate? We are pulling for her but this intergalactic fornicator will stop at nothing to protect his earthly possession. This alien attitude won't bode well for those seeking to help our helpless and pregnant damsel.
Without giving too many spoilers, what happens to Amy at the hands of the one we know as Aldan will be hard to watch. Exactly what does Aldan have planned for Amy, that is, the pregnant Amy? Is Aldan's visit to earth in preparation for conquest...or something more horrible?  Is "The Spawning" a thinly veiled metaphor for the danger women face in an increasing misogynistic United Kingdom? Simon Riley has given us a horrific film that packs in much that is uncomfortable. The cast is fantastic and Ms. Karpeta excels in a role that many actresses would have eschewed...except for Taaffe O'Connell and Maryan d'Abo (we'll see if anyone picks up on those references). For an intense horror flick packed with shocking scenes, see "The Spawning."