Friday, January 31, 2020

Lovely But Deadly, Cheerleaders Cat-Fight in Chopped Liver

Gloria (Pamela Jean Bryant), a sultry blonde cheerleader clad in a toga attacks pretty brunette cheerleader Lovely (Lucinda Dooling) and the ensuing cat-fight will conclude on a table smeared with chopped liver. A fitting scene given that the earlier cat-fight, in which both participated, where the entire cheerleading squad showed their talents in a massive locker room cat-fight ended in a draw. In fairness to 1981's "Lovely But Deadly," I have over-simplified this scene. To be fair I should mention creamed herring and caviar were also on that table.
This hard hitting crime drama begins as the bikini clad Lovely watches her brother die as a result of drug abuse. This high school cheerleader, who is also a karate-ninja, swears vengeance on the drug pushers and suppliers responsible for the plethora of junk at her high school. {GRATUITOUS HOT TUB MAKE-OUT SCENE IN BIKINI}. Lovely, who wields an axe well (don't ask) has a clean-cut boyfriend who is a rock singer. No time for him, as she tracks down high school supplier, seduces him at a disco, kicks the daylights out of him, and pours drugs down his throat...he won't survive. {CHEERLEADER STRIPPING IN LOCKER ROOM}. At school Lovely seems so clean cut, but with her killing skills she continues pursuing drug dealers. {ALL BABE KARATE ARMY VS LONGSHOREMEN}.
Lovely then seduces the drug dealing football captain (Rick Moser) and gets invited to a ritzy party where the aforementioned cat-fight occurs.{GRATUITOUS CHEERLEADER POOL PARTY SCENE}. Between scratching, pulling the hair, and humiliating Gloria, fishnet stocking clad Lovely meets the drug bigwigs and gathers proof of their involvement. Now with her martial arts skills and sex-appeal, she seduces the cartel leader (Richard Herd). {CHEERLEADER FLIPPED IN CAT-FIGHT}. She's capable but young, and after giving out brutal punishment, Lovely will be pummeled and taken prisoner.{CHEERLEADER FIGHTS SWORD WIELDING CLASSMATES}  Now Lovely faces execution by the drug thugs and resorts to her powers of seduction which will earn her more beatings.
Will Lovely and her seduction prowess be able to overcome her vicious captors? {MOTOR-BOAT DEMOLITION DERBY}. Will the humiliated and toga clad cheerleader captain Gloria be able to mount a counter-attack and get even with Lovely? Gratuitous and action-packed, this film will surely please. However noble of an anti-drug message this film contains, it never goes more than a few minutes before reminding us that this is a nifty exploitation work. {CHEERLEADERS SMOTHERED IN HORS D'OEUVRES}. Cheerleaders in bikinis, short skirts, or with clothes ripped off usually trumps the "just say no" message here. Directed by David Sheldon, "Lovely But Deadly" is sure to give you a bigger lift than the smack on the streets.

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

Derelict, Dark Descent Into Hopelessness

Oh yeah...dark and depressing. No humor...no cheer...no comfort. If you like your horror dark, literally and figuratively, 2017's "Derelict" is your film. Of course, whenever the killer is wearing a gas-mask...well...horror fans will want to pay attention.  This Australian film will have no koala bears or kangaroo babies...just darkness and a gas-mask clad psycho.
Okay,the pretty Grace (Amy Celisano) and hunk Cory (Taran Dunn) sneak into an abandoned power plant located way off the beaten path. They probably are looking for an opportunity for pre-marital sex...or are they? No matter, their fates will be quite sad. Fast forward, three grouchy blokes hike hours to reach this plant. But why? Andre (Christopher Sansoni) knows why but he isn't letting his mates in on his little secret. His mates? The grouchy Rowan (James Broadhurst) and the wimpy Michael (Tristan Balz). They reach the behemoth structure and immediately explore. That is, they think that's what they're doing...Andre knows better, but he isn't letting on.
Immediately we see they are being followed into the cavernous derelict structure. As Andre leads them down into sub-levels, their torches begin to weaken. Then he appears to them, a menacing fiend with a hook wearing a gas-mask. He chases them down further into the belly of the derelict...and our grouchy trio begins losing it. As the flashlights begin dying, booby traps abound and the masked man begins attacking. Uh oh...there is someone else sown there, Liam (Justin Burford). He's been lost down there for days and he was searching for the same thing Andre is looking for. Madness begins setting in and Michael begins deteriorating physically after being pricked by a used needle. The darkness closes in on these blokes and so does our masked fiend.
Just what is Andre looking for? Who exactly is our gas-masked fiend and why is he wielding a hook? What is the secret of this derelict power-plant in the middle of nowhere in the land Down Under? Not the feel good film of 2017, "Derelict" is a grim study of the rapid disintegration of some very grouchy and unlikable Aussies. For a downer of a claustrophobic horror film, enjoy "Derelict," directed by Christian Broadhurst.

Monday, January 27, 2020

Rottweiler, Cyborg Canine

Almost 30 years after "The Omen" scared the pants off us, a film from Spain again throws a menacing Rottweiler at us. I know, all you dog lovers are yelling that these beasts are smart and gentle...maybe so...but they looks so mean. The Rottweiler community won't be happy at their depiction in this 2004 horror/sci-fi yarn, "Rottweiler." This is a good one that isn't necessarily saying that man is good, dog is bad.
Spain in the future (2018, actually) is a tyrannical dictatorship ruled by Kufard (Paul Naschy) the Sadist. After the coast guard seizes a boat carrying illegal refugees, Dante (William Miller) is arrested. Kufard shows up and rapes Dante's gal, Ula (Irene Montala). Dante isn't happy about this because...and get this...Ula seemed to enjoy the rape. Okay, never mind that...Dante will escape and Kufard will send his cyborg Rottweiler after him. As the monster dog rips through other prisoners, Dante runs. Dante's goal is to find his way back to the coast and collect Ula. As Dante runs through Spain, the rottweiler thing eats innocent Spaniard schmucks. Then the rape scene..
A naked Dante comes across an isolated farmhouse. A mom (Pauline Galvez) and her young daughter live there alone. Mom sees Dante and orders him into her bordello looking bedroom where she rapes him over and over at gunpoint and knife point. I repeat...she rapes him over and over again. The rottweiler thing arrives and the rapist/mom won't fare well. Dante is again on the run and the dog monster pursues. Uh oh...Kufard joins the search in his helicopter...but where is Ula. Dante, with the dog close behind, will look for Ula in Spain's red-light district. The monster dog will have so much fun here.
Should it matter that Ula enjoyed the rape...after all, didn't Queen Victoria advise, "Just lay back and think of Spain!"? Ah...England...same thing! Are cyborg rottweilers and their razor teeth the only relevant inventions that await us in 2018? Looking back two years, maybe so. Is Kufard's Spain an accurate vision of the Basque separatists? This is a loud and ambitious film and Paul Naschy is terrific in one of his last films (he died in 2019). For some neat dog horror that will surely offend the rottweiler owner community (who cares?), see "Rottweiler," directed by Brian Yuzna.

Saturday, January 25, 2020

Battle Queen 2020, Nudity and Frozen Wastelands

Okay, Eva Nemeth as Priscilla! Clad in a leather dominatrix outfit, fishnets, black hooker boots and armed with nunchucks. So sad, she will be annihilated in quick fashion, but it was good to see her in 2001's "Battle Queen 2020." What isn't sad is that B-movie queen, Julie Strain, often nude, stars in this apocalyptic wasteland flick as the head mistress of an elite society. Sure, we'll have gratuitous scenes of Ms. Strain having heterosexual sex, lesbian sex, kickboxing, and self-serving baths, but she has a serious purpose...as she fights for the little guy.
An asteroid hits the Earth creating a nuclear winter effect. The one percent of humans that survive hide in underground tunnels. Actually, one percent of those survivors build a luxury fortress above ground where men who seek eternal life are serviced by mistresses. These "mistresses" are led by Gayle (Strain) and they fulfill men's fantasies. Meanwhile Gayle has hooked up with the leader of the elite, Spencer (Jeff Wincott). She watches out for her ladies, takes a lot of baths, and has a lot of sex with the men and her hookers...I mean mistresses. She also smuggles food to her family still living underground. Uh oh, she finds out that a mad-scientist, Braxton (Bill Baker) is capturing the underground peeps and harvesting their organs and blood in order for the elite to create an eternal life drug.
Gayle will take more baths...have more sex...and groom more mistresses...and then seek out a rebel leader, Joad (Paul Rapovski). It is rumored that Joad is starting a new city above ground and seeks to bring the underground dwellers there. Spencer and the elite will have none of this and with the help of Priscilla, the aforementioned dominatrix, incapacitate Gayle and seek to kill Joad. Alas, Priscilla the dominatrix will go down unceremoniously as Gayle is more capable than her evil elitist men she services. Still, the rebels are outnumbered and the trek to the new city will be perilous over the arctic wasteland.
Will Gayle and Priscilla end up in a cat-fight? Will the underground dwellers make it to their promised land before Braxton harvests all their organs? Are there gratuitous baths and orgies in Joad's new city? Ah, we can only hope. This is a very gratuitous film and the brothel and sex scenes outnumber the apocalyptic wasteland scenes...not that we mind. For some prurient fun with the queen of B-movies, see "Battle Queen 2020," directed by Daniel D'Or.

Thursday, January 23, 2020

Cat Girl, Cat-Fighting...Literally!

Ah, a good cat-fight! This plot device always enhances a movie. In today's feature, 1957's "Cat Girl," we'll see cat-fighting. Our sultry protagonist (or is she an antagonist?) will have her claws out, in both feline and human form. Pretty women and slimy men better watch out as a woman's true nature is nothing to be cavalier about.
Our aforementioned sultry protagonist is Leonora (Barbara Shelley). She has been summoned to her Uncle Edmund's (Ernest Milton) mansion...and ordered to come alone. She's a dame so naturally she brings her unfaithful husband Richard (Jack May), his lover Cathy (Paddy Webster), and her inconsequential husband. Edmund, in private, lets Leonora know the family curse is about to be handed down to her and she mustn't ever have children. The family curse? Since you asked, it appears that the sole heir (or heiress) will become a deadly leopard when she gets angry...kinda like Bill Bixby in "The Incredible Hulk," except Barbara Shelley is prettier than the dweeb Bixby.
Edmund breaks the curse on himself and the leopard rips him to pieces. Now Leonora is Cat Girl! As her husband and Cathy take a walk and engage in extra-marital sex, she rips him apart...Cathy makes it back to the mansion. Leonora, now in human form, tears Cathy's dress off and claws at her...unfortunately, she is restrained. Old lover Brian, a psychiatrist, is called in. Brian doesn't believe the curse story and is stupid enough to introduce Leonora to his beautiful blonde wife, Dorothy (Kay Callard). By the way Leonora looks at Dorothy, now the wife of her old lover, we are reminded of how a rottweiler views a lamb chop. As Brian continues treating, and not believing Cat Girl, Leonora plots and Dorothy and her bleached blonde hair will be put in incredible danger.
Will the perky and vivacious blonde survive the wrath of the mysterious Leonora? Will a cat-fight, in either human or feline form, be in store for Leonora and her new rival? Will Brian ever get a clue and stop serving his pretty wife up as Meow Mix? This is a good one with some eerie English sets. As the sultry Leonora loses humanity, and the pretty are endangered, this becomes a vicious tale. Fans of cat-fights will enjoy this cat vs. human story. See "Cat Girl," directed by Alfred Shaughnessy.

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Literature Review: The Sawgrass Footpath

Through and through horror! No comedic interludes. No chapters that give us a break from unrelenting horror. No plot devices that distract us from the horror at hand. Nope...total horror. Hence Tressa Graves' 2015 novel The Sawgrass Footpath. Every word of this horror novel pulls us deeper into an abyss of pure hell and gore. Be warned...Tressa Graves will horrify you in this novel and not worry about sending you away gasping for some diversion out of bloody terror.
Tom is a doctor in Virginia. He and his lovely wife Ann are moving to Florida. Tom is escaping, though in these types of stories...there is never escape. Tom's parents were butchered a year earlier, the killers are still on the lam. Frightened by the thoughts of the last moments of their parents' lives, Tom packs up and heads to the Tampa area. Uh oh...his thoughts take on lives of their own and his ability to see the blood curdling events of the past may be more than his imagination playing havoc with his sanity. Southbound Tom and Ann go...but evil and fate have no geographic bounds.
Escaping evil is never simple and awaiting them in rural Florida is a house with the same evil past. The horror of the past comes alive for Tom, but perhaps for a more profound reason than to just scare him. As Tom is pulled into the bloody past of his new house, he realizes he and his wife are in mortal danger. As the most disgusting evil individuals ever put on Earth enter Tom and Ann's life, the horrific images of bloodshed from the past beckon Tom...but why...and to do what? Torture, humiliation, and intense destruction of person and psyche occur, Tom and Ann must hold some form of sanity together in order to fight back. Fight back they may, but evil (real evil that even intimidates the minions in Hell) doesn't often lose.
What did happen in the past that has attached itself to Tom is such horrific fashion? Can Tom make sense of the blood dripping ghostly apparitions that are trying to guide him? Warning...this is a horror story with no regard for your comfort. Tressa Graves has given us, in The Sawgrass Footpath, a fable of what true evil and horror look like, and the power they have to prevail over our own free will and determination. If you love dark horror, Tressa Graves is your new best friend. Read The Sawgrass Footpath and don't say you haven't been warned.
To read this book, click on this link The Sawgrass Footpath on Amazon

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

Harvest Lake, An Erotic Lovecraftian Tale

There will be heterosexual sex! There will be homosexual sex! There will be lesbian sex! There will be sex with tentacled monsters! There will be twosomes! There will be threesomes! There will be foursomes! There will be fivesomes! There will be sixsomes (if you include the tentacled monster)! Ah yes, when the sultry Cat (Tristan Riska) asks her bestie Jennifer (Ellie Church) to join her and her boyfriend Ben (Dan Nye) for a threesome as a birthday gift, we know we are in for...well...in for a gratuitous time of it, in 2016's "Harvest Lake."
As our story begins a very pretty blonde (Lucretia Lynn) clad in a tight bikini wades into the lake. She'll come out and lead her BF (Derek Sturgeon) into the lake with her, never to emerge. Fast forward, five babes and hunks arrive at a cabin in the woods for pre-marital sex, alcohol consumption, and more pre-marital sex. Lucky for Josh (Jason Crowe), who is gay, Mark (Kevin Roach), who is also gay, shows up...they have a lot of sex. Uh oh...while Cat and Ben find weird egg things, seeping fluid in the woods, Jennifer wades into the lake to satisfy herself. While doing this a tentacled beast grabs her and finishes the job after pulling her under. Jennifer emerges, still Jennifer, and also possessed by the tentacled thing.
As for Ben's birthday gift, Cat and Jennifer, who is now a monster, too, take Ben into a bedroom of the cabin for wild sex. Uh oh, Jennifer does a fine job satisfying both Cat and Ben...an elongated tentacle does wonders for both men and women...as you might already know. The nude Jennifer will now go after our gay couple, who are really going at it. The tentacled creature's libido is intense and it leaves the lake. As Jennifer tries her best to get the gay couple, she takes plenty of breaks for more threesomes with Ben and Cat. The now, not quite human, Jennifer is now quite insistent about sex and is having trouble getting Josh and Mark to partake.
Will either Jennifer or the tentacled monster succeed in getting Mark and Josh to stop looking at each other and maybe experiment with either girls or tentacled monsters? Even if it means being conquered by a tentacled monster, would we give in to a threesome that included Cat and Jennifer? Is there really any need to ask any more questions or can we just enjoy "Harvest Lake" as a gratuitous jaunt through sexual escapades from so many different perspectives? I'm sure you're curious, but if you watch this film, tell two friends about it...or use it as an introduction to asking them if they want to partake in a...wait...never mind, I'm getting silly here. Enjoy "Harvest Lake," directed by Scott Schirmer.

Sunday, January 19, 2020

Unseen Evil, Invisible Creature and an Indian Babe

Ah Dana (Cindy Pena)! An Indian babe hired as a guide by thugs. This poor unfortunate lady will captivate us with her beauty and is the only pure soul in our story. As us guys drool over her we must endure her very unpleasant fate. She'll be pummeled by a brute, tied up and led around like a dog, be forced to bed down tied up to another babe hostage, be led around like a dog again, and then have her alluring buttocks bitten into by a monster. I know you gals are thinking, "what a way to go!" As she bleeds profusely through her tight jeans the same monster severs her jugular seeing Dana's blood spurt all over the forest as if this was a Japanese Kung Fu horror yarn. Hence 2001's "Unseen Evil.
Centuries ago ancients' seal a treasure of gold artifacts in a cave...and awaken a toothy and invisible creature. Now the aforementioned Dana is hired by Professor Peter Jensen (Richard Hatch) to guide him and his team to the cave. The good professor isn't so good and desires to loot the treasure. Accompanying Peter are two thugs (Jare Jon and Frank Ruotolo)...and his former lover/student assistant Kate (Cindi Braun). Quickly Peter's intentions become known and his men pummel the nubile Dana and put her in bondage. Now the tied up Dana is forced to lead the looters to her ancestors' sacred grounds. Kate is also a victim and she'll be tied up too, sometimes attached to Dana.
The team gets to the cave and Peter goes to work looting. As Dana challenges Williams (Jon) to a fight to the death she gets untied...and is then humiliated and sliced by the invisible creature. Now the remaining four are hunted by this thing. The survivors realize there is a relationship to the monster and the treasure, but Kate's knowledge of Indian wall-markings reveals that anyone who touches the gold will die horribly. With Dana long gone, Kate assumes the role of head-babe in this film and lays a moral guilt trip on her human tormentors...she begs them to return the gold. Nothing doing, Peter is way past caring about the ancient traditions and burial grounds of a once proud people.
Will Kate prevail given the fact that she respects the burial grounds? Is Dana's humiliating demise a sharp metaphor for the U.S. Government's continued humiliation of a once great people by looting their lands and enabling corrupt chiefs to enslave their own people in corrupt and sleazy casinos? The deaths and gore are terrific and the ending is quirky and refreshing...and of course, Dana is a joy to watch. For some gratuitous and toothy-creature fun, enjoy "Unseen Evil," directed by Jay Woelfel.

Friday, January 17, 2020

Run! Bitch Run!, Catholic High School Girls Humiliated

They'll be stripped! They'll be humiliated! They'll have the snot raped out of them! What do exploitation film makers have against Catholic High School girls? Perhaps they are servicing the fetishes of a deviant male-misogynistic culture (to include Japanese businessmen). Or perhaps these plot lines awake the inner rebellion in all of us countering the order and precision western society tries to force upon us. Or, perhaps in the case of Joseph Guzman (the director), perhaps he wants to blow 1979's "I Spit on Your Grave" out of the water. Today we look at 2009's "Run! Bitch Run!"
Catherine (Cheryl Lyone) and Rebecca (Christina DeRosa) are two beautiful Catholic High gals going door to door selling bibles in order to raise money for St. Mary's Catholic School. Uh oh...they knock on the wrong door. Lobo (Peter Tahoe) is a brutish, coke-sniffing, brothel boss in a redneck town. As our beauties, clad in Catholic high school garb, ring his door bell, they witness him murdering one of his whores. Before they can escape, the homicidal whore Marla (Ivet Corvea) and Lobo's right-hand man Clint (John Winscher) catch them. Clint will strip and grope Rebecca and Marla will humiliate and force her to perform oral sex on her. Alas, Rebecca's fate will be quite tragic as the sadistic Marla forces her prey to play Russian Roulette. Now Lobo wants some fun and forces Catherine to play a version of Hide-and-Seek, called "Find 'em and F*** 'em."
Giving Catherine a short head start, Lobo catches her and rapes her to pieces. Humiliated and broken, Catherine, by some miracle survives. Completely nude and unable to speak, the almost comatose Catherine is brought to a hospital. She'll recover and escape clad in a stolen white nurse's uniform. Yep, you guessed it. She'll utilize a doctor's scalpel, machete, a .357 Magnum, and a shotgun upon her return to Lobo's town. Seemingly possessed, Catherine sets out on a journey to inflict bloody vengeance on Marla, Clint, Lobo, and anyone in their vicinity.
Humorless and graphic, this is one that will appeal to prurient tastes and perhaps does top the gratuitous nature of "I Spit on Your Grave."  Fans of early 1970s exploitation (sexploitation, perhaps) will enjoy this one. In a world where political correctness and an irrelevant standard of respecting the opposite sex is inflicted upon us, "Run! Bitch Run!" may indeed have some relevance to the rebellious nature inside all of us, and act as a fable for those hungering something outside the norms of modern day sensitivity. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

The Wizard of Gore, Internal Organs Fly at You

Herschell Gordon Lewis is affectionately known to us as 'The Godfather of Gore.' Well, today we take a look at The Godfather of Gore's magnum opus...1970's "The Wizard of Gore." Low-budget, drive-in, gore-fest...in other words...horror Nirvana! Be warned...nothing is implied in this one. Intestines...kidneys...livers...severed tongues...stomachs will be ripped out and thrown at you in an elongated fashion. Watch if you dare. The victims? Beautiful women all with amazing legs...perhaps a fetish of Mr. Lewis.
Montag the Magnificent (Ray Sager) has quite a magic act. As the film begins we see him decapitated by a guillotine as his jugular keeps pumping blood after the head is severed. It gets better. A beautiful woman (Karin Alexana) volunteers (or does she?) to be sawed in half. With a chainsaw Montag cuts her in half. We see her abdomen opened and Montag pull out her organs. Uh oh...the audience sees something quite different. As the audience appears to see the beauty survive and walk off stage. Later in a restaurant, the woman is found gutted in her booth. We'll also see another beauty (Corinne Kirkin) get a spike through her head and Montag will pull out her brains. Same result...audience sees her survive and later this lady is found dead with a spike through her head.
Enter the sultry TV host Sherri (Judy Cler) and her sportswriter beau Jack (Wayne Ratay). Sherri wants Montag on her show but Jack is suspicious. After several beautiful women who volunteered for Montag's act are found gutted, Jack gets the cops involved. The problem...so many witnesses saw the ladies leave the theater intact. Jack and Sherri will have a lot of pre-marital sex, but will get back to investigating Montag. As the day comes when Montag agrees to do an illusion on Sherri's TV show, we gather Sherri may be the next babe gutted or pulled apart.
How is Montag getting away with murder? Why doesn't the audience see the carnage that is occurring? Will the nubile and leggy Sherri be Montag's next victim? This is a gory one as I have left out some of the gorier kills. Ah the beautiful die quite horribly and we hope that Sherri can prevail. The ending is wild...quite gory...and very ambitious. For a drive-in classic that will have many of you averting your eyes, enjoy "The Wizard of Gore."

Monday, January 13, 2020

Don't Open the Door, A Damsel and Telephone Rape

How does one get raped over the telephone? It is a stretch, but in an old drive-in horror/exploitation film, even a rotary telephone can be a perverted weapon. A nubile blonde damsel, helpless and naive...a psycho with a prurient attraction to her...and a town full of peeps, all with motives. Motives for what? Today we look at 1974's "Don't Open the Door" (aka "Don't Hang Up"), directed by S.F. Brownrigg...and yes...she should've hung up.
The aforementioned nubile blonde, Amanda (Susan Bracken), is mysteriously summoned to her grandmother's mansion. Grandma (Rhea MacAdams) is on her death bed and her doctor refuses to put her in the hospital. Amanda is furious and brings in her own BF Nick (Hugh Feagin) to act as the attending physician...he is useless so we shall not speak of him again (right right right...aren't all men useless? I saw that coming). Oh yeah...13 years ago, Amanda's mom was stabbed to death in her room and Amanda found the bloody corpse...but never mind that for now. Amanda disrupts the goings on in the small town as everyone remembers her when she was 13...now all the old geysers desire deviant sex with her.
Enter pervert and museum curator...Claude Kern (Larry O'Dwyer). She wants all of Amanda's grandmother's possessions after she passes. He has set up a museum in her tribute. As the weird townspeople sweat a lot and lick their lips, Claude secretes himself in the walls of the mansion and makes obscene calls to Amanda, even when he spies the blonde bathing. Amanda is pretty gullible and answers the phone and even "touches" herself all over when Claude commands. Now Claude gets homicidal as we now assume he murdered Amanda's mom years ago. Amanda screams, runs through the house, and is sexually assaulted, while Claude gets more perverted and sweats more.
What is Claude's plans for the nubile Amanda, and just why did he murder Amanda's mom? Is there a secret hidden in this town regarding Amanda's mom? Does every aging male have a sweaty upper lip, or does Amanda bring that out in them? This is a wild one and not the feel good film of 1974. For some gratuitous drive-in horror with not a whole lot of satisfaction as far as the plot goes, see "Don't Open the Door."

Sunday, January 12, 2020

Literature Review: The Adventures of Johnny Walker Ranger Demon Slayer

With an author and director, both praised by New York Times reviews, and attracting high-brow cine-philes and the wine and brie crowd, "The Exorcist" schooled that segment of America on demon possession. Fear not, real people! Yes, us real peeps who work in the salt mines, struggle to pay all our bills, and don't have nannies for our children...Ezekiel Kincaid gives us a tome on demon possession. The elites have Georgetown educated Catholic priests, and Kincaid gives us feisty Evangelicals. They have Washington, DC and trendy neighborhoods...Kincaid gives us the Bible belt and trailer parks. "The Exorcist" gives us an A list actress and the establishment...Kincaid gives us trailer trash and misfits. Alas, we take a peek at Ezekiel Kincaid's horror epic, The Adventures of Johnny Walker Ranger Demon Slayer.

Our protagonist is more than a mere tip of the hat to Bruce Campbell's 'Ash' in the "Evil Dead" films. Johnny Walker is a 32 year old garbage man called by...well...Jesus, to repel a demon invasion. The trailer park resident and foul mouth redneck, in need of serious sensitivity training, is ready. What follows is hundreds of pages of warfare pitting our redneck hero and his recruited army against Satan's minions. As tyhe demon invasions begins slowly, it quickly comes at us in waves.  The politically incorrect Johnny will recruit pseudo Goths, misfits, and other losers in order to save the world of a disaster of biblical proportion.
As over the top as this plot may sound...you have no idea. Ezekiel Kincaid, he himself a man of God, brings Heaven's forces into the plot in order to assist the redneck 'chosen-one.' Throw in some cheesy martial arts, a sultry damsel (and love interest), and even a flamethrower (yes!), the unfolding epic will have you laughing despite the horror, gore, and carnage. But wait...in a weird way Johnny is drawn into a relationship with Jesus that will aid his fight infinitely more than the trailer park weapons he utilizes. As the heavy drinking, loud burping, foul-mouthed Johnny begins a relationship with a Bible believing church, his standing to take on Satan's forces is increased...and Satan will stop at nothing to destroy Johnny and his forces.
Hilarious and horrific but never heretical. Mr. Kincaid's delivery is entertaining and will have you laughing, and at no time is any Christian tenet made fun of or disrespected. Without any spoilers given, it is fair to say that Mr. Kincaid's ultimate villains in this novel are the same ones Jesus warned us about in the New Testament. For some great horror, with non-stop laughs, and an unconventional sermon or two, enjoy The Adventures of Johnny Walker Ranger Demon Slayer.
To view Ezekiel Kincaid's blog, click here Ezekiel Kincaid

Saturday, January 11, 2020

Naked Fear, The Hunting of a Stripper

Okay, I admit, no one has enjoyed 2007's "Naked Fear" as much as I have. A gritty and brutal tale of exotic dancer vs. man and nature. Perhaps this is a metaphor for young actresses in Hollywood or coeds at universities...naive meat ready to be picked apart by vicious predators. We do have a nubile stripper...er...exotic dancer...a torture chamber....a rattlesnake...and a psychopathic killer looking to rid the world of prostitution and vice...prude! Directed by Thom Eberhardt, "Naked Fear" is unforgiving and vicious...and what an ending!
Diana (Danielle De Luca) wins a wet t-shirt contest, and is offered a job hundreds of miles away. She arrives in a border town and is blackmailed to work as a stripper (yeah right...dancer). As the weeks go by she is forced to earn more money, and in the stripper world, that means lap dances, sex, and other favors. One night she allows herself to go home with clean cut (not!) Colin (J.D. Garfield). Colin may seem nice but he chloroforms Diana and brings her home to his torture chamber, filled with torture tools, bondage equipment, and an electrical cattle prod. After a lot of torture Colin flies her into the wilderness where help is hundreds of miles away. Nude and beaten, Diana is set loose with a 15 minute head start.
Colin then tracks the nude beauty. I know...you saw this on the Discovery Channel! Battling rattlesnakes and thorn bushes, Diana runs for her life. Colin, armed with a crossbow and a high-powered rifle pursues and taunts. The naked and afraid beauty begins using her brain and makes the hunt a fair (okay, maybe not totally fair) fight. Colin proves to be a horrific monster as we will see him kill innocents along the way, not that strippers aren't innocent.  If you don't like seeing cute kids blown away...don't watch this move. As Diana jiggles, wiggles, and jiggles some more, she begins to develop her own plan for survival.
Does the naked and afraid Diana, and all her jiggling parts, have a shot at survival? Did this 2007 film inspire the next decade of programming on Discover Channel? Is the film's plot too gratuitous to be discussed in polite company? Oh yes, the ending! Wow! This isn't just an ending...its an ending and a half!  For some prurient pleasure and acute violence and gore, see "Naked Fear."

Friday, January 10, 2020

Hang Up!, Ignorance May Be Bliss

Do you really want to know? The secret of a great marriage is that husbands and wives keep secrets from each other. Don't believe me? Hence a short picture from Fatal Pictures, 2018's "Hang Up!" (directed by Richard Powell). I've met couples that claim they have no secrets from each other. I'm smart enough not to say "Bulls***" out loud. Unfortunately for the couple we're going to be talking about in this film, years of unspoken evil and horror will explode into a fiery tragedy which will serve as a bloody lesson (warning?) for all of us.
A butt call! We've all received them, and usually they provide a few laughs...at worst, some embarrassment. Emelia (Astrida Auza) butt calls Gary (Robert Nolan). Emelia is possessed...she's unloading, and is vicious. Gary is powerless to hang up, though he tries, and she has no idea he's listening to her rant. Is Emelia's viciousness warranted?  No spoilers here, decide for yourself. Apparently Emelia had many secrets she kept from her husband...had! As Gary listens, he begins to die in front of us, not literally, of course. Watching Gary sink into an abyss of hurtful realizations is heartbreaking. The cackling and vitriol of Emelia is dramatic (we only hear her voice), but the disintegration of Gary, mostly seen in his demeanor and expressions, is so sad.
This is a 14 minute tragedy so I will avoid much of the diatribe we witness. Uh oh...is Emelia really the villain here? Is Gary really an innocent and somewhat ignorant spouse? You'll see. Remember, Emelia is talking to someone and the 'who' of that question is quite frightening in itself. Then there is the ending. Cataclysmic and fiery...you'll see.
Fatal Pictures has put together a modern day tragedy with stakes so high, it makes us all cringe. Perhaps a bit of insanity is thrown at us in what we hear, or perhaps a graphic chronicling of a decades old horror story...whichever, it gets ugly fast. The performances by Mr. Nolan and Ms. Auza are both heartbreaking and chilling...as is the plot that unfolds. To see "Hang Up!" on YouTube, just click on this link. View Hang Up! on YouTube

Thursday, January 9, 2020

Larva, Giant Parasites Exploding Out Of Chests

Giant flying parasites that explode out of chests. I hate when that happens. Never happens at a convenient time. In 2005's "Larva," this is indeed the case. In one instance a hunk and babe are making out in the backseat. He gets all her clothes and undergarments off, the parasite explodes out of him and then chases the mostly nude damsel through a field...poetry!
Parasites are killing cattle in Host, Missouri (where everyone has Florida license plates). Dr. Eli Rudkus (Vincent Ventresca), the town's new vet, shows up for duty. He befriends survivalist/farmer Jacob (William Forsythe) and finds a new form of parasite infecting the cows and bulls. It grows fast, eats the insides of the beasts, explodes out of it, finds humans to do the same with. The town's cattle all use the feed produced by an evil corporation headed by Fletcher (David Selby). As more cows die, and soon...people, too...Eli tries to warn the townsfolk. Fletcher and his sultry lawyer, Hayley (Rachel Hunter) discredit him, and keep selling their feed.
Hayley is useless to the plot but because she is played by Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Rachel Hunter, we don't mind she is in a lot of scenes. Now townsfolk who have eaten beef...everyone...starts exploding parasites. Even a sappy and sweet little kid gets it. Gun nut Jacob, the sad Eli, and the useless lawyer (although quite stunning) Hayley form a trio that has a plan. As the flying parasite population grows into the thousands, and as nubile half-naked babes get infested...and then explode...the trio act.
Rachel Hunter and that Aussie accent makes us all respect those irrelevant characters. Will the flying parasites finish off the town and move to entire state of Missouri to Florida? Is registering a car cheaper in Florida than it is in Missouri? Who will impregnate Rachel Hunter first...Eli or the monster parasites? Will the parasites get themselves a swimsuit model? This is a gory one with many deaths, and some quite heartbreaking. For some great parasite fun, see "Larva," directed by Abram Cox.

Tuesday, January 7, 2020

Underground, Mad Scientist's Creations vs. Marines...and Army

Think about it...America's fighting force is minuscule. Most of our armed forces don't even carry guns. Here in the Washington, DC area we have a lot of military personnel...most don't fight...instead they negotiate contracts at The Pentagon, or work human resources issues for one of the four branches. Add the fact that all Americans, Left and Right, are starting to see the futility of the wars we've been involved in over the last several decades. America's military, unless a draft is implemented, will get increasingly smaller. Enter mad-scientists! Those noble sorts who can create genetically mutated beings that take the place of human soldiers...yep...that is where we are headed. Hence 2011's "Underground," directed by Rafael Eisenman.
A special forces team is sent to an underground military laboratory to wipe out an out of control experiment. The out of control experiment wins...wiping out the military team. Two years later a rave party (always a good idea at a top secret military base...what could go wrong?) is held on the site of the base. After some Marines and their hot GFs brawl with some locals, the locals chase them into the underground lab. Now Matt (Ross Thomas) and his very sultry GF Mira (Sofia Pernas), a few other Marines and their very hot GFs are trapped in the domain of the genetically mutated experiments.. Uh oh, the drunk rave-sters lock them in the lab and whatever wiped out the army two years previous now sets their sights on the Marines.
Uh oh...the fiends are an out of control experiment.  Genetically altered DNA produced a new being to replace human soldiers...and they have taken over this underground base. They start shredding the marines and a couple of the hot babes. But wait...they avoid killing all the babes because...well, let us just say the monsters have another use for the vixens. As the Marines get ripped apart, and the very pretty Jenna (Christina Evangelista) dies a very gory death at the hands of...well, you'll see, Matt and Mira devise a plan to combat the mutants. They better hurry, their friends are losing limbs, eyes, and intestines at a rapid rate.
Do the Marines stand a better chance than the U.S. Army did? If the mutants capture Mira, what horror will be in store for her? Do genetically engineered monster soldiers deserve love too? All the deaths are gory and ominous. The dark underground settings won't shield you from any of the blood red carnage as intestines and internal organs will be thrown at you without mercy. For some great gore, a horror story devoid of humor, and some great cheesecake and beefcake, see "Underground."

Sunday, January 5, 2020

Blood, Vampires...Werewolves...Man-Eating Plants...etc.

Oh, this is too good. Dracula's daughter marries the wolfman's son, and together they grow man-eating plants. Get this...they do not know Baron von Frankenstein and the Baroness are on the way. In one of the best drive-in films about uncontrolled lust for blood, 1973's "Blood" is a gratuitous orgy (redundant?) for your pleasure.
Okay, Lawrence Orlovsky (Allan Berendt) who is actually the wolfman's son, and his wife Regina (Hope Stansbury), yep...Dracula's daughter... arrive at a rented house in the U.S. Their weird servants accompany them and include the beautiful Carrie (Patricia Gaul) and Orlando (Michaedl Fischetti). They help Lawrence with his experiments. The experiments? Yep...a serum is needed to keep Regina from becoming an out of control vampire...too late, if you ask me. In the basement are plants that produce the serum and they need blood to grow...and as they grow they need more blood. Poetry! Where to get blood? Their other servant the hideous Carlotta (Pichulina Hempe) is almost out. This is America and nubile babes practically throw themselves at our mad-scientist while screaming, "Take my blood and ravage me!" You hear this on college campuses a lot.
Okay, Lawrence kills...how? Yep, he turns into a frisky werewolf. Then a beautiful babe appears, Prudence (Pamela Adams) and is instantly captivated by Lawrence. See, Regina is way past her shelf life as far as Lawrence's affections go. Bloodsuckers do lose their novelty after awhile. Uh oh...Regina is a jealous sort and she now sets her sights...okay, fangs...on the very pretty and vulnerable Prudence.  Anyone visiting, or for that matter coming within 100 yards of the Orlovsky house, turns into Regina's snacks.  Now as the man-eaters grow in the basement and feed on Lawrence's leasing agent, Regina gets more bold...Lawrence gets more bold...the weird servants get more bold...and the Frankensteins  near. As the nubile and greedy get their throats ripped out, our monsters may be getting too aggressive to continue going unnoticed.
Will Lawrence's interest in developing a serum for Regina wane as the pretty Prudence enters his life? What happens if a vampire feeds on a werewolf? Is this film a mere metaphor of the continued soiling of young American women by an increasingly perverted European culture? For some neat drive in fun, enjoy Andy Milligan's "Blood."