Saturday, September 23, 2017

The Humanoid, The Evil Warlord Who Loved Me

Two years after Barbara Bach and Richard Kiel collaborated on "The Spy Who Loved Me," they co-starred in the cheesy Italian scifi epic "The Humanoid." So, you have never heard of 1979's "The Humanoid"?  Don't worry, I'm here to help...just imagine a head on collision between 1979's Starcrash and 1988's Space Mutiny . Forget about the over preachy and awfully acted "Star Wars" and treat yourself to the trio of films I have just mentioned. Oh yes, if you want to see some real spacebabes, forget about Carrie Fisher (oh please!) and enjoy Barbara Bach or Caroline Munro.
Mad scientist and Lady Agatha
Lord Graal (Ivan Rassimov) has escaped from a prison planet, commandeered a space battleship and has set his sights to destroying Metropolis (Earth). A mad scientist has perfected a serum that will turn humans into monsters, which Graal will use to destroy the planet. Oh yes, along for the ride is the sultry Lady Agatha (Bach). Agatha is a spacebabe version of Elizabeth Bathory (Countess Dracula), as she travels the universe, abducting other nubile spacebabes, and putting them in a galactic Iron Maiden. See, Agatha needs the blood of beautiful women to maintain her youthful appearance. Graal's scientist turns Earth-defender Golob (Kiel) into a monster and sends him to Metropolis.
Golob and Tom Tom
As Golob seems to be well on his way to destroying Earth, a change of plans! Yep, before destroying a planet, Graal needs to destroy Barbara Gibson (Corinne Clery). Who is Barbara Gibson? She is a horrible video game player. As Golob corners Barbara Gibson, a galactic Dalai Lama named Tom Tom (Marco Yeh) saves her and turns Golob good again. When Barbara Gibson is abducted, anyway, Golob and Nick (Leonard Mann)...never mind about him...set their sights on the mother ship of Graal and Agatha.
Barbara Gibson in the Iron Maiden
Will we see a steamy cat-fight between Barbara Gibson and Lady Agatha? Does Lady Agatha want Barbara Gibson for anything other than her blood? Who do you prefer, Barbara Bach or Caroline Munro? So much more to tell you, I didn't even mention Robo-dog (think a cuter version of R2D2).  For an almost perfect space epic see "The Humanoid" directed by Aldo Lado.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Zombie Holocaust, The Nude vs. the Undead

Nothing says "I gotta see this film" like the catch-line "banned in 83 countries." 1980's "Cannibal Holocaust" (aka "Doctor Butcher M.D.") is a favorite of many of this blog's readers and the decency boards in 83 countries. To add to the cinematic excellence, our film today was made in Italy and is poorly dubbed. Human organs ripped from torsos, nudity, scalping, nudity, exposed brains, cannibals, zombies, and nudity...hardly any reason for a cohesive plot.
Hospitals are alarmed at a rash of thefts from their morgues and cadavers. Someone is ripping out internal organs from corpses. Uh oh, a culprit is caught feasting on a corpse's heart. Hospital personnel including Lori (Alexandra Delli Colli) and Dr. Peter (Ian McCulloch) are still alarmed as it appears lots of cannibals are loose in the city. Now, it is not clear what Lori and Peter do for the hospital but they decide to venture to a remote southeastern Asian island and investigate the tribe that seems to have visited New York. Before they leave, we see Lori strip off her boots, clothes, intimate undies in order to answer her doorbell. Who rang? The beautiful and nubile reporterette Susan (Sherry Buchanan). The two babes stare at each other in a scene not important to the plot.
Dr. Butcher and Susan
Joining Peter and Lori on their expedition is Susan and George (Peter O'Neal). Who is George? Who knows, but his death scene is excruciating and disgusting. The quartet arrive and Lori undresses right away, only to find a maggot infested severed head in her bed. The four then head into the jungle to find the elusive cannibals. Just their luck, the cannibals find them first, eat George and carry the nubile Susan away for a fate worse than death. Lori and Peter consider leaving but they decide to pay a visit to a weird doctor operating on this island. This will be a mistake as Lori is then carried away, stripped of all her clothes ( if she couldn't do it herself) and Peter is slated for the same fate Susan endured. Ah, but wait, a few surprises are in store for the tormentors and cannibals, and Lori's nudity might just give her and Peter a fighting chance. Oh yes, as if the cannibals were not menacing enough...bring on the zombies.
Lori and Peter in the doctor's lab
Will Susan and Lori engage in a nude cat-fight? Who is the mysterious island doctor and what is his relation to the cannibals and zombies? Is Susan's gory and disgusting demise a mere metaphor for the hostility toward the media in 1980s Italy? Directed by Marino Girolami, and filled with severed limbs, machete carnage, ripped out internal organs, and the nude Alexandra Delli Colli, "Zombie Holocaust" was never banned in the U.S. giving you every opportunity to see this. After viewing it, call your buddies in Sierra Leone and gloat.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Blood Thirst, Vampire in The Philippines?

Vampire in The Philippines? Looks that way. In 1971's "Blood Thirst," the blood sucker isn't the only social deviance preying on this Asian cluster of islands. Beautiful women in Manila are having their blood drained, but should we rush to judgment and blame vampires? One who understands Manila, and its intricacies, knows that there are a thousand other things that could be draining blood from nightclub babes.  Like what? know...
Rourke and Insp. Ramos
Sultry women working at The Barrio Club in Manila are getting murdered. They are found hanging upside down with their arms slit and drained of blood. Police Inspector Ramos (Vic Diaz) summons Adam Rourke (Robert Winston). Rourke is an American and an expert in sex murders. Rourke looks like he has a bit of sex-crazed killer in his genes. After he meets Ramos' sister Sylvia (Ketherine Henryk), it is obvious she doesn't like him or his arrogance. Not to be denied, Rourke slaps her silly a couple of times, grabs her, plants a big unwanted kiss on her and engages in some rough pre-marital sex with the nubile sister. After that, she can't get enough of him or more pre-marital sex with him. Meanwhile, more nightclub babes are murdered and drained. Rourke believes the suave and mysterious nightclub manager, Calderon (Vic Silayan), is the culprit.
After slapping Sylvia silly some more, Rourke goes undercover in the club. All signs point to Calderon...but wait! A very ravishing blonde exotic dancer, Serena (Yvonne Nielson), tells Rourke that she must talk to him.  Apparently Serena has incriminating evidence against Calderon. As more murders occur, we see the killer, a monstrous human like creature with a head covered in boils. Rourke knows he can't trust the beautiful exotic dancer, but is drawn to meet her anyway. His girl-toy Sylvia, unbeknownst to Rourke, is the next target for this creature.
Sylvia in much peril
Is Calderon involved in these murders? Just what is this monster, and why is he draining the babes of their blood? What is the mystery of Serena, and what does she have planned for Rourke? Does Sylvia need a wedding planner or the phone number to a battered women's shelter? A man's movie no doubt, and probably a favorite film of NFL running backs, "Blood Thirst," directed by Newt Arnold, and filmed entirely in Manila, is a minor gem from the 1970s.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Psychic Killer, The Church and Gratuitous Horror

One of the most gratuitous death scenes in 1970s horror occurred in 1975's "Psychic Killer." Canadian actress Mary Charlotte Wilcox ("Days of Our Lives") portrays a sultry white-clad nurse. Caring for a terminally ill elderly man, she teases him with an exotic dance while she strips off her uniform. She'll strip off her undies as she enters the shower for a gratuitous shower scene. She'll then be scalded by boiling water and cut up when she falls through the shower door. What became of Ms. Wilcox? She left gratuitous acting and became an Anglican priest in Edmonton. Let us take a look at the Anglican church's number one recruitment tool.
Arnold (Jim Hutton) is institutionalized, then imprisoned for the murder of his mom's doctor. Arnold blames the doctor and several others for his mom's death. His only friend? Kay from "Creature From the Black Lagoon." That's right, Julie Adams plays Dr. Scott, his sympathetic psychologist. In prison, Arnold inherits a gift of the occult. He can now astral project himself outside his body. After he is released from prison, Arnold moves into his mother's home, and begins a paranormal journey of vengeance. He'll first kill Whit Bissell, also from "Creature From the Black Lagoon."
The killings are very gory and imaginative. As our Anglican priest/slutty nurse is felled, Detective Morgan (Paul Burke) tries to connect the murders and victims. As Morgan figures out all the victims had something to do Arnold being incarcerated, he keys in on Arnold as the number one suspect. A big problem arises...some of the murders then occur while Arnold is under surveillance, asleep in his mother's home. Morgan enlists the help of Dr. Scott. Arnold secretly loves Scott and desires sex with her, but Morgan gets to her first. Morgan is humiliated as his astral projection witnesses Morgan and Scott engage in pre-marital sex. Now Arnold expands his list to not only include schmucks who put him in prison, but also Morgan and Scott.
As stated earlier the kills are occurs in a butcher shop and utilizes a meat grinder and bone saw.  Will the lovely Dr. Scott, who recently escaped from the creature, be able to avoid Arnold's paranormal advances? Did attendance at Canada's Anglican churches skyrocket after this film premiered? Did the United Methodists counter "Psychic Killer"? For some nice gore and gratuitous exotic dancing, check out "Psychic Killer."

Friday, September 15, 2017

Nurse Sherri, Possessed Angel in White

Exploitation films were still filling the drive-ins back in the 1970s. Many of these titillating films featured beautiful nurses, and in the 1970s they were still clad in white. This was perfect as those white uniforms were slightly form fitting for sex comedies and a perfect background for red splattered blood in those slasher films. 1978's "Nurse Sherri" (aka "Hospital of Terror") will show us many beautiful nurses, in those white get-ups or nude. Either nude, or in clad in white, many will die horribly at the hands of the title character.
Reanhauer rapes Sherri
After some pre-marital sex with Doctor Peter, the beautiful and nubile, white-clad Nurse Sherri (Jill Jacobson) is raped by the spirit of an evil Astrological-Satanic priest Reanhauer (Bill Roy). Really...need I say more? Here goes, Reanhauer is felled by a heart attack in the desert after trying to bring a rotting corpse back to life. The doctors can't save him and the fun begins. Sherri is dating the hunk Doctor Peter (Geoffrey Land). Peter yells at her a lot and gets panicky if Sherri doesn't answer her phone on the first ring. Meanwhile, the possessed Sherri first visits the former head doctor at the hospital who ordered heart surgery for Reanhauer. She impales him with a pitchfork. She'll then gut another member of the surgical staff.
The formerly beautiful Nurse Gordon
Meanwhile, NFL star Marcus Washington (Prentiss Moulden) has been blinded and is in the hospital. Nurse Tara (Marilyn Joi) takes a liking to him and undresses a lot. Nurse Beth (Katherine Pass) satisfies her patients with kinky sex before surgery. Oh yes, very pretty Nurse Gordon (Caryl Briscoe) will have her throat slashed and uniform stained by Sherri. As Peter continues to have no clue as to why Sherri isn't treating him like King Tut, Tara and Marcus figure out that Reanhauer's spirit is loose in Sherri. Fortunately Marcus has a lot of knowledge of voodoo and comes up with a far fetched plan to end Reanhauer's reign of terror. As the nurses continue to disrobe and have kinky sex, and as Peter continues to demean Sherri, Sherri stalks other hospital personnel.
Nurse Sherri
Will Tara and Marcus' plan succeed and free Sherry from Reanhauer's possession? Will Calgon (ancient Chinese secret) get bloodstains out of white nurse uniforms? Possessed or not possessed, will a blade wielding Nurse Sherri rid herself of Dr. Peter? "Nurse Sherri," directed by Al Adamson is fine 1970s horror/exploitation. Lots of pretty damsels and some nice gore highlight this tale of angels in white in much peril.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Zaat, Catfish-Man in Search of Blonde Bride

Modern day science is such a bore. Securing funding and grants has replaced discovery and cures in government funded laboratories. There is always the mad scientist, however. He has already been eschewed by the establishment scientific community and has no hopes for grants or taxpayer funds. With no regulatory concerns or EEO or OSHA nonsense, the fiendish genius is free to create a master race of monsters to supplant humans at the top of the food chain. Hence, 1971's "Zaat."
Catfish-man kills scientist
As the scientific establishment shuts down Dr. Leopold (Marshall Grauer) and refuses to provide him with human test subjects, he goes rogue. Opening a lab in the Florida swamps, Leopold transforms himself into a creature, sort of a cross between Creature From the Black Lagoon and Syngenor . In actuality, he is Catfish-man. His goal? Same as all of ours, he desires to conquer the world by transforming all sea life into mutant monsters that will rule the Earth. As Catfish-man, the creature (Wade Popwell) leaves the lab and tracks down all the scientists that denied him funding and human test subjects. After he claws them to death, he spots a nubile, blonde bikini-babe (Nancy Lien). Like all gill-men, he wants her for sex and procreation. He grabs her and hauls her back to his lab but she dies shortly after he injects his serum into her. Arriving are INPIT (don't ask) agents Walker Stevens (Dave Dickerson) and the nubile blonde beauty Martha Walsh (Sanna Ringhaver).
Zaat tries to make a bride
These two agents are a great pair. Walker wastes a lot of time and goes down lots of rabbit trails.  Martha undresses a lot, wears elegant gowns, showers, has pre-marital sex, and kisses. As the agents try to track down Catfish-man, the creature decides to make Martha its bride. Good choice. While Martha types, just after a shower, and slipping out of her INPIT jumpsuit into an alluring gown, Catfish-man grabs her. Now Walker must pursue the genius/creature in order to save the damsel Martha before she is turned into gill-woman...or Catfish-babe.
The nubile Agent Martha meets Catfish-man
Will Walker grow a brain and be able to save Martha? Will Catfish-man find happiness and love in his pursuit of world domination? Will Martha actually fall in love with the gilled genius making this film a modern day re-imagining of "Beauty and the Beast"? "Zaat," directed by Don Barton and filmed in Jacksonville, Florida, is a hokey, but fun, mad-scientist epic. Not as artistic and symbolic as "Creature From the Black Lagoon," but still very worthwhile to B movie fans.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

The Jemima Trilogy, Before There was Dexter

Its a hard road out there for all you young people feeling your way awkwardly through the dating labyrinth. Perhaps the Jemima trilogy is only a thinly veiled metaphor regarding how screwed up the ability to form relationships has become. In any event, before there was "Dexter," there was Jemima. Just as deadly and just as cunning as America's favorite serial killer is Jemima. The director and producer of this trilogy, Uisdean Murray, has created a true monster. Jemima may be a bloodthirsty psychopathic monster, but she sure is pretty. So all you gals going goo-goo over Dexter, don't fret if your guys are drooling over Mr. Murray's creation...its only fair.
Joy McAvoy as Jemima
We first meet Jemima in 2002's "Jemima: Dating is Murder." As Jemima's date is bleeding out and drowning at the hands of this fiendish beauty, my first thought was '...what a way to go." Fun adventurous, bloody and ominous...what a combo! Jemima takes us through a light and frothy instruction guide to killing and disposing of your date. In a metaphorical sense, her instruction is poignant....the problem is, she is talking in a literal sense. Two years later, Mr. Murray presents us with 2004's "Jemima: Photographic Trophy." She is even more beautiful, seductive, and evil. However experienced and skillful she is, all her success and conquests have made her cocky and a bit careless. The results, of course, will be blood spattered and ominous once more.
Jemima on the prowl
Those first two are horrific and fun. Then the 47 minute third chapter hits us, 2008's "Sessions of the Mind." Her gig is up...or is it? Jemima has been arrested'll see. Court appointed psychologist Victoria (Bella Scott) is given the task of getting Jemima to talk. Uh oh, Victoria has guy issues and right away we see that her relationship with Jemima may have consequences. No humor or frolicking fun here. Comparisons to "Dexter" fly out the window and an intense picture of who Jemima is and what made her are unveiled in bloody detail. Victoria? Brilliant, scarred, and secretly needy, her relationship with Jemima is transforming. This counseling session goes down horrific paths filled with gore and tortuous revelations. I want to say a whole lot more but in respect to Mr. Murray I will refrain from spoilers.
Victoria and Jemima
 The trilogy totals about 70 minutes and will take you on a journey of self inspection and horror. Mr. Murray's direction, the acting (especially by Ms. McAvoy and Ms. Scott) and a haunting soundtrack are all fabulous. For some alluring horror that will stick with you, hopefully not while you're dating, see these three Jemima films, available at a great price on Vimeo.
For more on the Jemima Trilogy, visit the following links:
Lily Island Films
Uisdean Murray on Twitter
Jemima on Facebook

Monday, September 11, 2017

Hannah, Queen of the Vampires, Mediterranean Vampire Bites Islanders

Horror fans are quite fortunate.  When many of our friends gather to watch a light, witty comedy about a group of sisters feeling their way through adulthood (gag me with a spoon), we do the same to watch a babe vampire conquer the Mediterranean. They have Woody Allen's "Hannah and Her Sisters" (barf!) and we have 1973's "Hannah, Queen of the Vampires" (aka "Crypt of the Living Dead"). Shot in Turkey and starring the intriguing Teresa Gimpera, this film has an eerie and Gothic feel that is not for everyone.
Entrance to Hannah's tomb
In the 13th Century, the crusaders storm Vampire Island and slaughter all the vampires.  Well, not all. The sultry Hannah (Gimpera), before being a toothy menace, was the king's mistress and he can't bare having his men drive a stake through her heart.  Instead, Hannah is sealed in a tomb with plenty of warning adorning it stating "DO NOT OPEN OR YOU WILL DIE." Warning signs are for the little people, though. Seven centuries later,  an archaeologist (Mariano Garcia Rey) finds the his misfortune. In a weird set of events, he ends up crushed to death underneath it, where he will spend the rest of the film. His grieving son Chris (Andrew Prine) arrives to collect his dad's body.  This won't be easy as his dad lays decomposing beneath Hannah's tomb.
Hannah feeds
In Chris' efforts to lift the tomb off of his unfortunate father, he unseals it. The islanders are horrified as they believe Hannah still lives as a vampire...and they are right.  Now loose, the exotic beauty not only grows fangs but can change into a wolf.  Slowly Chris begins to believe the legends about Hannah.  Our naive hero also falls for the ravishing Mary (Patty Shepard). The two then engage in pre-marital sex. Uh oh, the hypnotic queen of the vampires has many under her spell including a wild man (Ihsan Gedik). As she bites her way through the island's population, the wild man abducts Mary. Now Chris is a believer and seeks to destroy Hannah and save his precious damsel.  This won't be easy as everyone on the island is terrified to go near the tomb.  His only ally, Mary's brother Peter (Mark Damon), is actually a Satan worshiper seeking immortal life...don't you hate that?
Hannah roams
Will Peter save his new love Mary before either Hannah or her brother make her their bride? Will shapeshifter/ vampire Hannah make the same mistakes she made 700 years ago which allowed her to be entombed for centuries? Would we have enjoyed "Hannah and Her Sisters" more if the witty siblings had their throats ripped out by the undead? Low budget and many might say underwhelming, "Hannah, Queen of the Vampires" is a weird tale with a very creepy ending. Instead of witty comedies, enjoy a vampire tale with a touch of eroticism and forbidden love.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Monstrosity, Being a Woman in a Man's World

Why do women have to have brains? Couldn't they have been created with no brain? All we need them to do is traipse around in revealing lingerie, shut up, do amusing and alluring things sometimes, and serve man's every desire. This question and subsequent philosophy is explored in 1963's "Monstrosity" (aka "The Atomic Brain").
Anita, Bea, and Nina
Wealthy old hag Mrs. March (Marjorie Eaton) enlists the services of mad scientist Dr. Frank (Frank Gerstle). Frank is paid to put March's brain into the body of a 20 year old babe. Frank's experiments meet with mixed results. He steals the corpses of beautiful women from crypts and puts cat and dog brains in them. Even Dr. Frank can make it with a Victoria Secret's model if she had the brain of a golden retriever. Frank is ready, but he needs living beauties to make the transplant successful. On cue, three international beauties are summoned by March for 'domestic help." These ladies don't know one will be selected as the receptor of March's brain and the other two will be used and given to Frank for his amusement. The girls are studied by Mrs, March, after all, one will supply her with a perfect body.
Bea becomes Mrs. March's top choice
Anita (Lisa Lang) from Mexico is discarded immediately. During a strip search, March sees a blemish on her. Frank them puts a cat brain in Anita and her demise will be quite humiliating. March selects English beauty Nina (Erika Peters)...she's perfect. Bea (Judy Bamber)? Well the third beauty from Vienna will have to be eliminated.  Bea is the smartest of the trio and begins to figure out what is going on. Uh oh...beautiful Nina will have her eyes scratched out by the former Anita. Bea is now March's choice. Bea wants to live as Bea...not a grouchy old women and she tries to escape but March is always a few steps ahead of her.
Can anyone save Bea now?
There will be lots of cat-fights (literal and figurative). The three gals are classic damsels in much distress and will endure excruciating torture and humiliation. Can Bea, though out of her league, outsmart her tormentor, the evil Mrs. March and her mad scientist Dr. Frank? What of Dr. Frank's failed experiments which still walk around the mansion, including the living corpse (Margie Fisco) in a negligee? Is "Monstrosity" a thinly veiled metaphor for the misogyny that permeates western civilization? Directed by Joseph Mascelli, "Monstrosity" is a low-budget sexploitation horror flick that is infinitely more entertaining than the newest superhero bore-a-thon.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Dawn of the Mummy, Super Models vs. Mummy and his Zombie Army

A tall leggy, blonde super model rides into a zombie apocalypse on horseback attempting to save Egypt. I know what you're thinking...with all the recurring plots in today's stale films, why isn't this one of them? Skinny dipping beauties, zombies eating fashion models, gratuitous photo-shoots in tombs, and zombies eating brains all grace our film today, 1981's "Dawn of the Mummy."
Melinda and Lisa
Tomb raiders led by blond hunk Rick (George Peck) raid an Egyptian tomb in order to loot gold treasure. Of course, this is a typical tomb in Egypt as warnings adorn the walls threatening to kill anyone who steps foot in it. On cue, the Swedish Bikini, I mean a photo-shoot arrives with statuesque babes, and their photographer. What was a barren shoot in the desert now is a juicy one with hopes of shooting the girls with a mummy and tomb included. Gary (John Salvo) befriends Rick, and the girls start posing. Lisa (Brenda Siemer Scheider...Roy's wife) is the star model and she has a great smile and allure. Disrespecting the resting places of dead Egyptian princes never leads to happiness and soon the Mummy awakes with his army of flesh-eating zombies.
Lisa and severed head
As the zombie army begins their offensive they catch the sultry Melinda (Ellen Faison) skinny dipping. A short chase will result in her getting eaten...very sad. Commanding his undead army, our Mummy sets his sights on the other models, the tomb raiders, and the nearby village. As the beauties fall (...or get digested), Lisa man's up and grabs a horse and races to the village to save Egypt. A classic wedding scene will occur in which a groom barges in on his bride as she is being eaten.
Melinda about to be consumed
Will the ravishing Lisa save Egypt? Will Vogue or Elle publish the pictures of this shoot even though they depict violence against women? Is this film a metaphor for the misogynistic treatment of women by the patriarchal middle-eastern culture? Eyeballs will be gouged, brains will be ripped out of skulls, internal organs will be feasted on, all in good fun. Directed by Frank Agrama, "Dawn of the Mummy" is a zany mix of gory horror and exploitation.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Toxic Shark, Polluted Man-eater Devours Bikini Babes

In 1972 Jacques Cousteau frightened school children when he promised that by 1982 the oceans would be reduced to black goo unable to support life. 1982 came and went, and so did the grouchy oceanographer. A more scientific prediction for our oceans has been offered by Syfy's 2017 masterpiece, "Toxic Shark."
Eden and her two soon to be dead BFFs
A new resort on a Puerto Rico island where the Bodies by Reese Singles Resort has opened attracts great looking hunks and babes. Eden (Kabby Borders) and her two bikini clad friends (Christina Masterson and Christina Jayo) arrive to meet guys. We won't talk much about Eden's pals as both will die horrible fact, most of the bikini clad cast will die horribly in this one. Also arriving are Sam (Bryce Durfee) and his two hunk buddies. Uh oh, Sam and Eden are a former item and now hate each other. Also arriving is a 30 foot menacing shark that spits green acidic goo at hunks and babes who don't wander into the water.  Reese (Eric Etebari) got the island cheap because the water around it is infested with toxic waste.
The infected Audra dines on another bikini babe
The shark doesn't waste time and begins eating swimmers, staff, beach wanderers, surfers, and yoga classes.  As Eden and Sam realize they may still have a spark, oceanographer Eden figures out that the water is polluted.  Uh oh, the toxins in the shark's acidic goo eventually turn the hunks and babes into flesh-eating tourists.  As Eden and Sam try to save their pals, not a very successful endeavor, Eden's sultry pal Audra begins feasting on other bikini babes.  With a menacing shark in the surf and flesh-eating babes and hunks on land, all looks bleak for our bickering duo and a handful of survivors.
The toxic shark
Will the very shapely Eden and her ocean knowledge figure out a way to defeat the toothy menace and their former friends?  Are bikini clad zombies, eating other bikini babes the new erotic fad in today's horror films? I'm sure this will catch on among Japanese businessmen. Could Jacques Cousteau have learned a thing or two from the Syfy channel regarding messaging social causes to school children?  The actors and actresses look great and there is lots of beef and cheese in every shot of this film...even if much of it does get eaten.  Fans of Syfy original films will love "Toxic Shark," directed by Cole Sharpe.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

The Windmill, This isn't Hell, its Holland

I've been to The Netherlands! Beautiful and lots of Heineken. Yep, windmills too. Like any other tourist to this gorgeous country, I am not without sin. Who among us doesn't have a 12-18 months for breaking and entering story in our past? Or even better, a bout with homicide in which no witnesses can testify. No witnesses? There is always a witness. That is the problem for a bunch of tourists in 2016's "The Windmill."
Pretty Jennifer (Charlotte Beaumont) is on the run. This Aussie has fled to Amsterdam where she is an international fugitive for the murder of her dad and brother. Extenuating circumstances? There always are, but in this one is innocent. Dodging cops, she runs onto the Happy Holland Tour Bus, in which Abe (Bart Klever) will take her and several other tourists on a windmill tour. The others? A beautiful model (Fiona Hampton) who is running away from something awful, Jack (Ben Batt) who just murdered a prostitute, and several other who have all broken the 6th Commandment. Guess what! The bus breaks down in a remote area with an ancient windmill hovering in the distance.
The kills begin immediately and will be quite gory. The windmill is occupied by a centuries old demon who collects sinful souls to send to Hell. When it kills, it uses human blood to power the mill. One by one our tourists fall...or get dissected...or get pulled apart. Whatever death they caused, the unfortunate tourists will endure in their own demises.  Jennifer is eaten up with guilt and is looking for atonement...will this be enough to save her? Our demon miller is monstrous and unmerciful, and to make matters worse...he has help.
Will genuine guilt and the search for atonement save Jennifer and any of the other tourists? What is the backstory of the demon miller? Yeah, I know what you're saying..."...this doesn't sound too original and I've seen this plot before." I won't argue that, but again...the kills are quite gory, the acting is terrific, and the final scene will have you muttering, "Wow! I didn't see that coming." Directed by Nick Jongerius, "The Windmill" is a lot of fun and not for the squeamish. This film is available on Netflix.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Demon Inside, A Psychic Unraveling

We've all asked it, and it is a good question. If psychics were real, why aren't any winning the lottery? Why didn't any psychic become a millionaire after the Cubs won the World Series last year? These questions highlight our ignorance when it comes to those with this mysterious gift. Those of us without the ability to see beyond what our eyes show us are asking the wrong questions. Enough of this pseudo sermon, let us discuss 2013's "Demon Inside" (aka "Espectro"), a neat horror film from Mexico.
She is Mexico's most famous psychic. The beautiful Marta (Paz Vega) has the gift, or several gifts...or are they curses? She helps the souls of the dead find peace after their vicious deaths. She sees the future, too. She didn't see this one coming, though. Marta falls madly in love with the seemingly sweet and vulnerable hunk, Mario (Alfonso Herrera). What she didn't see almost kills her. Mario is a violent and sadistic rapist and in one graphic scene, pummels Marta and humiliates her sexually in a parking garage. Marta is sent to a mental asylum where she will emerge agoraphobic and the cops believe Mario, who will not be tried for rape.
Marta has a vision
Upon her release, Marta moves into a creepy apartment bent on eschewing all her psychic gifts...after all, she couldn't see what Mario had planned for her. Uh oh, the dead don't rest when Marta is around. A young girl, who may have died in her apartment reaches out for Marta. Marta is back on her game. Menacing, violent, nymphomaniac lesbian neighbors enter the plot...really! Slowly, using her gifts, Marta believes she has solved a murder, and one of the lesbian nymphs is not pleased that Marta is curious. Ghosts begin appearing, and visions of blood splattered walls permeate the second half of the film. But wait! Could Marta be wrong? And what of Mario? He is a handsome hunk, and listed second in the he going to make another appearance?
Marta and Mario
Exactly what is Marta seeing? Does her failing to see her fate with Mario portend her fate in this dark apartment? Can a movie be anything but worthwhile if it has lesbian, homicidal, nymphomaniacs in the plot? Available on Netflix and directed by Alfonso Pineda Ulloa, "Demon Inside" is a neat and very bloody horror/mystery.  Those of you who figure out the twists and exactly where this one is heading will still enjoy the creepiness of this film and allure of Paz Vega. Remember...the answers aren't worth much unless you know what the questions were. Enjoy!

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Phantom of Death, Logan's Run Italian Style

At the age of 36 Michael York played 26 year old Logan in 1976's "Logan's Run." In that film, humans were terminated at the age of AARP in that society. As Logan, York played a sandman, or a cop tasked with hunting all those 30 year olds who tried to cheat death. Ironically, his last four years are cheated from him and he spent the bulk of the film running form his colleagues. Not all was bleak for Logan, he got to have pre-marital sex with Jessica 6 (Jenny Agutter). Hence 1988's Italian horror film "Phantom of Death." In this one, 48 year old Mr. York plays 35 year old Robert Dominici. Again age is a big theme here as the 35 year old character will also have years (decades, actually) cheated from him.
Susanna and Robert
He's a brilliant and handsome pianist. Italian babes throw themselves at him. This won't last. Robert, our concert pianist and ninja wannabe (don't ask), quarrels with his very steamy GF Susanna (Mapi Galan). Oh yes, a beautiful doctor (Carola Stagnaro) is murdered at her home when maniac with a sword slashes her jugular. Poor Susanna, she will suffer the same fate. Dr., Inspector Datti (Donald Pleasance) is on the case. With Susanna's death, minutes after, Helene (Edwige French) bursts into Robert's life seeking pre-marital sex and he obliges. Meanwhile, Datti connects the dead babes to Robert. When the killer almost slashes Helene, Datti wants to arrest Robert. Oh no, Helene's attacker is described as an old man, and Robert is only 35...or is he?
Robert carves up a policewoman
A rare disease has entered Robert's life and he ages...quickly. With the aging, Robert's mind becomes deranged and many beautiful Italian babes will have their blood spattered on their walls. Thinking a 35 year old is responsible for the murders, Insp. Datti is humiliated when many of the slayings occur right under his nose, including a pretty policewoman (Renata Dal Pozzo). With his mind gone, Robert taunts Insp. Dotti by phone and plots a fate for the sultry Helene.
Helene in much peril
What does Robert have planned for Helene? Will Insp. Datti connect the dots and be able to save the nubile babes of Italy? Is "Phantom of Death" a metaphor for what western civilization deserves for mistreating its elderly? The blood gushes very often in this one, and like so many Italian horror films, the beautiful meet such tortuous demises. Fans of "Logan's Run" will find this performance by Michael York most interesting, and horror fans will appreciate the gore. For some great Italian horror intrigue, see "Phantom of Death."

Monday, August 28, 2017

The Kindred, Tentacled Menace and Dueling Mad Scientists

Our mistakes can be quite embarrassing.  We've all made them. Usually we discard them with no witnesses learning of our errors. Not always. When we fail in the laboratory and our genetic experiments turn into malignant creatures, the clean up is a bit more involved. In that instance, any witnesses...well...we've all done it...get fed to the failed creations. Hence 1987's "The Kindred." Fans of tentacled monsters, not just Japanese businessmen with fetishes, will love this one.
Nell's orifices invaded
Dr. Lloyd (Rod Steiger) hires nefarious ambulance crews to bring him human subjects. Most of these subjects turn into grotesque fiends and Lloyd feeds them EMTs. He is trying to create a hybrid life form but not really having any luck. Fortune strikes! His rival has done it. Amanda Hollins (Kim Hunter), in her country home, has created a monster. On her death bed she implores her son John (David Allen Brooks) to go to her country lab, destroy Anthony and all her journals and notes. Who is Anthony? You'll see, but here is a clue...he's got bad temperament and has tentacles. Not knowing this, John heads up to the lab with his main squeeze Sharon (Talia Balsalm) and a team of young scientists.
The beautiful Melissa and her gills
Uh oh, joining the team is Melissa (Amanda Pays). Melissa is a mysterious scientist who is very interested in Amanda's experiments. She is seductive, smart...and slowly turning into a jumbo shrimp. At first our team tries to make sense of the journals, but when the beautiful but annoying Nell (Bunky Jones) hops into her car with her favorite watermelon (don't ask), Anthony pops out of the watermelon and shoves tentacles into the lovely Nell's nose, ears, mouth, and who knows what other orifices? Anthony is now on the prowl and getting bigger. Its attacks grow in frequency and Melissa grows more gills. As great looking young scientists get grabbed by slimy tentacles, John must figure out what he is dealing with. Oh yes...Dr. Lloyd is on his way to steal his dead colleagues specimen...good luck on that one.
Sharon makes a friend
The deaths are excruciating and the creature gets ickier and ickier with each kill. Exactly who...or Anthony? Will Melissa finish her transition and become a sea creature before Anthony sets its tentacles on her? Will Dr. Lloyd bring a big enough jar to collect Anthony? You will want to tape all your orifices shut while you watch "The Kindred," but remember those slimy buggers always find a way in. Enjoy "The Kindred" and then have a nice dinner at The Red Lobster.  

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Demon Wind, Demons vs.Idiots

1990's "Demon Wind" is an ambitious, loud, and crazy horror film. This film has borrowed from the best; "The Evil Dead," "Prince of Darkness," "Demons," "Night of the Demons," and many more. The plot is basic and riddled with holes but if you like zombies spurting yellow blood, decapitations, possessions, and a skeleton's tongues grabbing babes...well, this is your film. So next movie night, if someone suggests "The King's Speech," just overrule him and say, "No! Tonight we see 'Demon Wind'."
Cory and two soon to be dead friends
Cory (Eric Larson) has a lot of great looking friends. Too bad, they all will die horrible demonic deaths because he can't come up with a decent plan. Briefly...after visiting his drunk lunatic dad, Cory decides to travel to the farmhouse his grandparents met their demise. In 1929, his witch grandmother and grandfather were killed by demons and an exploding snow-globe (don't ask). Now Cory brings his sultry GF Elaine (Francine Lapensee) and, what ends up being, eight of his closest friends to the ruins of this farmhouse. Despite the obligatory warning from the gas-station attendant "You're all gonna die," a warning which should never be ignored, the army proceeds onward.  Once there, the very perky Bonnie (Sherry Leigh) is the first to go as three demon children suck her life-force into a mutant baby-doll.  Despite her great looks, no one seems to mind that Bonnie is no longer among the living.
It gets worse. Cory still doesn't have a plan. His magician friends (Stephen Quadros and Jack Vogel) get taken over by demons and Reena (Mia Ruiz) is grabbed by a skeleton's tongue only to have her head pulled into its jaws and chewed upon like a stick of gum (That's how I want to go). As Cory's friends die horrible deaths we hold our breath hoping the pretty Elaine will somehow survive.  Finally a plan! Cory is in touch with the spirit of his grandmother who hints at a way to conquer the demon horde. Can Cory execute this new plan of his or is he allergic to plans and strategy?
Carnage and gore flow out of every pore of "Demon Wind." The fact that Cory had so many friends only insured that the death count would be high. Perhaps a standard plot for a film about demons but this one never has a lull.  Written and directed by Charles Philip Moore, "Demon Wind" would have made John Carpenter proud.  Instead of the current superhero film, get yourself back into Rated R cinema and enjoy "Demon Wind."

Thursday, August 24, 2017

The Unnamable, Unmentionable Horror

H.P. Lovecraft has quite a name in horror, and today we look at one of his short stories made into a film...1988's "The Unnamable." When something unnamable does something unmentionable it leaves writers with a bit of a challenge. Naming it Jason, Michael, or Freddie is just too easy and perhaps a bit underwhelming. Not to worry, H.P. Lovecraft sends us a tale of some great looking college kids from Miskotonic University who will have names on their gravestones.
Howard, Joel, and Carter
Many years ago, something unnamable (Katrin Alexandre) did something unmentionable. In other words, it broke out of its attic confinement and ripped the beating heart out of its guardian. Present day, the old house is boarded up and an ancestor, Carter (Mark Kinsey Stephenson), of the the fellow who lost his heart is trying to put the pieces together of exactly what happened. His brave buddy Joel (Mark Parra) decides to prove Carter wrong about his belief the house is cursed, and spends the night there. He won't make it through the night as the unnamable fiend rips his head off.
Joel, that night
The next day, two babe Miskotonic coeds, Wendy (Laura Albert) and Tanya (Alexandra Durrell) arrive at the house with two frat-boys, John (Bland Wheatley) and Bruce (Eben Ham). They are there to have pre-marital sex, but right away the unnamable thing begins hunting and dissecting them. Also arriving are Carter and Howard, in search of the missing (dissected, actually) Joel. Realizing that the unnamable is loose and hunting hunks and babes, Carter is fortunate enough to find a copy of the Necronomicon. He quickly peruses the human skin pages for an explanation and an incantation to get rid of the unnamable. He will have to work fast as the creature has done away with the hunks and has set its sights on the half-naked skank, Wendy. As Carter desperately tries out incantations and digs up graves, the chivalrous Howard seeks to save the nubile females from the thing, which we find out, does indeed have a name.
The unnamable
What is the backstory of the unnamable? Does anyone at Miskotonic University ever major in Communications or Business? This is a fun, and very gory monster in a haunted house saga. Whether Lovecraft would have been proud of the film version of his story is a debatable point. Nevertheless, this is a fun horror film that earns a nice R rating. See "The Unnamable" and come up with your own name for a creature that rips out internal organs, cracks open skulls, and eats human flesh.