Tuesday, August 30, 2022

The Paradise Motel, A Psycho-Sexual Psycho

The similarities to "Psycho" are obvious.  A shower.  A big knife.  A sultry blonde in the shower.  Mother lurking just off screen.  A death count.  Okay...I'm not saying 2022's "The Paradise Motel" will go down as a classic...but it is better than anything Cate Blanchett or Olivia Wilde have ever done.  The 2022 Walter Hochbrueckner film features Dawna Lee Heising!  Enough said!  Big breasted blonde, centerfold type, in much peril...no woke social justice messages...just blood, b**bs, and pretty good music.

Nikki (Heising) is running away from an abusive ogre of a husband (Hochbrueckner).  After years of physical and mental abuse, she is on the run and driving into the desert.  She'll meet two hitchhikers...the mysterious Misty (Llenelle Gibson) who looks like she has her own story.  Then, she'll meet the actress wannabe, Crystal (Angel Princess).  She'll stop for the night at The Paradise Hotel managed by the weird Raymond (Mel Novak) who is studying human taxidermy.  He'll be knocked off his fee at Nikki's exaggerated beauty and give her a room right next to his office.  Oh, Raymond's mother lurks just off screen and to us, we only hear her voice.

Okay, Nikki meets slimy guys who want to have sex with her.  They should beware...she has a big knife. Oh...those two hitchhikers?  They also come to the hotel.  The hitchhiking babes may be a bit homicidal, themselves and be a tag team pair of killers...you'll see.  Then we see Nikki's abusive husband arrive.  He is looking for Nikki so he can discipline her.  Nikki?  She takes a nice shower, admires her big knife, and acts very na├»ve, but is she?  Then the murders start.  A big knife will fell many of the characters in this film.

Just who is wielding the big knife when it is used against the guests at The Paradise Hotel?  Is Nikki in danger or is she the cause of the danger?  How about Kevin's mother?  Is she any relation to Norman Bates' mom?  Quirky, weird, unsettling, alluring, and likable!  The Paradise Hotel may be a movie you will have a hard time talking up in mixed company...but, you will enjoy it nonetheless.


Sunday, August 28, 2022

Mad Jack, Psycho Sexual Honeymoon from Hell

In a throwback to early 1970s drive-in epics, today we look at a vicious psycho-sexual bloodfest.  First off, we have a film by one of this blog's favorite directors, Brad Sykes, and one of our favorite actors Jack Wareing.  Enough said.  But let us say more, anyway.  One has to admire actress Angela Ford who has one hell of a role.  The beset blonde will have much vicious sex, be beat up, humiliated, and give us a great shower and bikini scene.  She'll make us forget about Mr. Sykes and Mr. Wareing.  Anyway, let us take a look at 2001's "Mad Jack."

Blonde babe Angel (Ford) and dweeb Peter (Christopher Rydman) are driving through the Mojave Desert on the way to their honeymoon.  She's still in her wedding dress and goes down on Peter while he's driving.  Never a good idea. A near head on collision and the couple meet psycho killer Jack (Wareing).  We've seen him kill once, already.  He has a penchant for murdering beautiful women during sex.  Now the unknowing newlyweds offer to give Jack a ride into town...never a good idea.  Uh oh...Jack and Angel seem to have an attraction for one another and Peter feels threatened.  After some uncomfortable moments, Jack ends up checking into an adjacent motel room.  Peter wants sex with his bride and so does Jack.  Jack will do anything to stop Peter from consummating the marriage.

Our killer murders a pretty maid (Florencia Gallaraga) during sex.  A very gratuitous scene.  Now Peter, sensing Jack is dangerous, orders Angel to stay away from him.  This won't happen and a fight scene at the swimming pool ensues.  Now Jack is bent on taking Angel from Peter.  The dweeb that Peter is, this seems likely.  What follows is steamy and brutal sex.  Intense arguing.  More fighting.  More murder.  Yep, Jack has a homicidal and erotic back story and we'll be let in on it.  Oh!  The ending!  Wow!  Why more movies don't end this way is a mystery to me.  You'll be yelling, "Oh, cool!" 

Does Peter have any prayer at holding onto his bride?  Does Angel have any prayer at surviving until the end credits?  Is the character of Jack the taboo and hidden fantasy of every woman out there who are married to dweebs?  For a vicious, bloody, erotic, psycho-killer tale, see "Mad Jack." 

To view "Mad Jack" free on YouTube click on this link Mad Jack Movie

Friday, August 26, 2022

The Centerfold Girls, Nude and in Peril

Gratuitous!  Exploitation!  Lurid!  Prurient!  Maybe a good description of this film is an American Giallo-esque slasher film with more nudity.  Well, in defense of this movie, it is about centerfold models.  It is actually about centerfold models being hunted, humiliated, and slashed.  Not the feel good film of the 20th century and not a film to bring up in polite conversation, still, 1974's "The Centerfold Girls," directed by John Peyser, is a vicious slasher film with a ton of cheese.

This one unfolds almost like an anthology.  Our slasher, Clement (Andrew Prine) goes through the calendar, starting with Miss January, and slashes his way through the year.  As the opening credits roll, he is disposing of Miss January's (Charlie) slashed corpse.  Very sad.  On to chapter two and Miss March, Jacki (Jaime Lyn Bauer).  Jacki is a hot nurse in white who poses for girly magazines.  Now Clement begins hunting her.  Uh oh...Jacki will be sexually assaulted, and humiliated by some hippies.  Her tormentors grope and try to rape her.  Lesbian hippies will also try this.  After the fiends paint Jacki's face with her own cosmetics, the poor nurse escapes and runs into the hands of Clement.  Sadly, whichever way she went, Jacki was going to die horribly.  This first segment is a good metaphor for the fate of more centerfolds as the film continues.

We'll see Clement hunt Charly (Jennifer Ashley), a nubile coed...and then Vera (Tiffany Bolling), a sultry stewardess.  The hunts will be detailed and there will be a lot of collateral damage to either other centerfold models or just innocent babes caught in the crossfire.  The beautiful will die horribly, in states of nudity and helplessness.  Clement believes himself a crusader and is attempting to purify their souls through death...I guess these folks are out there.  Almost as sad, is the treatment these beauties get from the non-slasher characters in this film.  The women believe them sluts and harlots...the men see them as asking for their rapes.  Brutal!

Will any of our calendar gals have enough fight in them to survive Clement and turn the tables on him?  Is this film a mere mirror held up to Hollywood and its producers and moviemakers?  Is the misogyny captured in this film even more acute today as young Hollywood actresses must serve themselves up to drooling cads and even a female power structure that will make sure they are soiled and corrupted?  If you are into exploitation, gratuitous violence, and nudity (guilty!), see "The Centerfold Girls." 

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

Tales of the Cursed, B Movie Anthology of Terror

Ah, the 1980s!  A golden decade of horror for many of us.  "The Evil Dead," "Creepshow," and a host of Italian post-apocalyptic adventure tales.  No need to pine for those bygone days as my buddy Juan Diaz has sent me his film, 2022's "Tales of the Cursed," made with Corey Rolley, Jose Pelaez, and Christian F. Siege.  This anthology of terrifying tales pulls in some of the most classic horror tropes from the past 40 years.  With endearing special f/x, performances that top any modern day Harrison Ford performance, and wide variances between the four short films included in this anthology, we have a fun one to review today.

Not in order, let us take a look at these four stories.  The one that speaks to my love of those 70s and 80s post-apocalyptic horror stories, Mr. Diaz directs "Chrome City 3000."  Rafael K. Herrera delivers his magnum opus performance as a stranger wandering through the radioactive ooze and plethora of mutants.  Even more dangerous are the fellow survivors and his plan.  Mr. Herrera's character is not on a good will mission...you'll see.  How to contrast a film set 1000 years in the future?  Right!  A silent movie!  This feature by Mr. Siege, "The Summoner," brings us a tale which harps on the theme of conjuring demons.  What could go wrong.  With the 1920s style piano playing in the background, flash cards for dialogue, and grainy black and white camera work, we get a film that could very well have been part of a double feature with "Nosferatu."  The special f/x are still endearing and you'll meet some really cute (I mean terrifying) beings from the underworld.

A tip of the hat to George Romero and "The Walking Dead" is also part of this anthology.  Zombies abound in post-apocalyptic America.  Even worse, the weird and twisted survivors.  Thanks to Mr. Rolley, we have the heartbreaking tale of a man who has lost it all...except his will to go on.  Then Mr. Pelaez' feature which pulls in a haunted house, demon worship, weird amulets, and curses.  All good.  These short films shall not be betrayed by a lengthy plot description in this review.  Suffice it to say, these are valuable stories for all of us that came to love our horror beginning in the 80s.

Fans of HP Lovecraft will enjoy Juan Diaz' wraparound story that connects the four tales.  Let us just say we can never get enough of the Necronomicon.  For a nostalgic anthology tale featuring four fantastic horror stories, see "Tales of the Cursed," and cheer for the monsters, demons, spirits, zombies, and flawed heroes.  To order the digital download for this film click on this link Tales of the Cursed on Etsy  

Monday, August 22, 2022

Night of Bloody Horror, Slasher with Mommy Issues

In 1969 drive-in audiences were shocked at the bloodshed and plot of today's film.  Plenty of gore, taboo subject matter, nubile damsels in much distress, and very gory killings splashed enough blood on the drive-in screen to maximize the screaming and shrieking of the audience.  Alas, these low-budget and shocking drive-in films seem to be part of the past.  Today we look at "Night of Bloody Horror," directed by Joy N. Houck, Jr. 

Wesley (Gerald McRaney) and the beautiful Susan (Lisa Dameron) are having steamy pre-marital sex in Wesley's bedroom.  So steamy, in fact, Susan leaves the next morning and goes to confession at her church.  Uh oh...it ain't a priest in the confessional...it's a psychopathic murderer.  Alas, Susan will receive a spike through the eye and brain.  Wesley has a problem...blackouts and weird visions.  See, the poor guy accidentally killed his brother and spent 13 years in a mental asylum.  Now he's out being tended to by his loving mom, Agatha (Evelyn Hendricks).  Wesley is weird and will get the snot kicked out of him at a bar.  Lucky him, the babe nurse in white, Kay (Charlotte White) will rescue him, bring him back to her place, get naked with him...and...well, you know.

Wesley loves his nurse, Kay.  The two romance and end up on a beach.  She is ravishing in a bikini and soon will have an axe implanted in her chest.  The cops arrest Wesley but can't make the charges stick.  Now his psychiatrist, Dr. Moss (Herbert Nelson) comes to visit.  Uh oh...he stays with Wesley and his mom...this won't turn out well.  Even worse, Wesley picks up another babe to romance, Angelle (Gaye Yellen).  The two will swap a lot of spit and Angelle is determined to help him.  Bodies keep turning up in chopped up fashion.  Now we see Angelle is endangered...but from who?

Will Angelle survive to the end credits?  Is Wesley the killer or is that too easy?  Just what or who is in a locked room in Agatha's and Wesley's house?  Modern audiences will see the twists coming a mile away but 1969 audiences were terrified and shocked.  Still, even over 50 years after its release, "Night of Bloody Horror" is a fantastic horror film for a Friday night viewing.

Saturday, August 20, 2022

Nothing Underneath, Scantily Clad Models Slaughtered

Yep...scantily clad fashion models brutally slaughtered.  And yes...this is Giallo, meaning the lovelies are either nude, in the throes of pre-marital sex, or at very least preparing for a bath.  The setting is the fashion world of Milan, Italy and the culprit is a scissors wielding maniac.  A sex maniac?  Perhaps, but this one has some twisted and lurid twists.  Oh yes...Donald Pleasance plays a very competent police inspector hot on the trail of Michael Myers...I mean the scissors wielding killer.  Today we look at 1985's "Nothing Underneath," directed by Carlo Vanzina.

Sultry American fashion model, Jessica (Nicola Perring) is murdered by the aforementioned scissors-wielding maniac in bed.  How do we know.  Her park ranger twin brother, Bob (Tom Schanley) has a psychic experience and sees the killing through the eyes of the killer.  He flies to Milan and starts snooping around and gets Inspector Danesi (Pleasance) interested in the case.  Jessica is missing, but no body is to be found.  Then, one by one, her sultry model colleagues get brutally murdered by the scissors wielding killer.  One of the victims is Carrie (Catherine Noyes), who seemed to have some information for Bob.  Now all of Jessica's still living model colleagues are terrified.

Barbara (Renee Simonsen) is one of the still surviving buddies and she comes on to Bob.  We get some great shots of her in states of undress or some alluring aerobic gear.  Now Bob and Danesi find clues...and the murderer continues with his scissors.  Uh oh...the dead models and Jessica do have a connection and it is a horrific and lurid one.  But wait!  Is Jessica still alive?  A plot twist suggests this and Bob's investigative strategy changes.  As Barbara seems very interested in pre-marital sex with Bob, Bob's attention and interest is elsewhere.  Now the killer revs up again...but for who?

Is Jessica still alive?  What connection did Jessica have with the other murdered models?  Will Park Ranger Bob become the god of all the other Park Rangers at Yellowstone by engaging in pre-marital sex with a Milan fashion model?  This is a lurid and twisted tale and some classic Giallo.  The ending is horrific and memorable.  Experienced Giallo fans may see the twists coming but the very last scene is so poetic and nightmare inducing.  See "Nothing Underneath" for some erotic and bloody Giallo.

Thursday, August 18, 2022

Death Tunnel, Lingerie Clad Coeds in Much Peril

Dark, ominous, gory, and vicious...a very hard to watch ghost story.  Fear not...though there is much to fear in this film...you will watch.  Why?  Lingerie clad coeds in much peril!  Okay, initially we have a confusing mess with gratuitous exploitation and gore.  Then...this twisted and haunting plot takes form and we have a ghost story with a moral message.  Did I mention the lingerie clad coeds in much peril?  Today we look at 2005's "Death Tunnel," directed by Philip Adrian Booth.

Hey!  Don't knock it.  I, for one, see this as a good idea.  At a nightclub, a two-timing hunk, Richie (Jason Lasater) is throwing an initiation contest for sorority babes.  The babes must come dressed in lingerie and compete against each other.  Empowered coeds?  Right...skanks!  Okay, Richie is doing the pre-marital sex thing with two of the contestants, Ashley (Kristin Novak) and Heather (Steffany Huckaby).  Also along is the mysterious Tori (Annie B. Compton), Devon (Melanie Lewis) and Elizabeth (Yolanda Pecoraro).  Figure it out yet?  LOL...you'll see.  The five coeds in lingerie and high heals sneer at one another and prance across the stage.  Eek!  They black out and wake in an abandoned and spooky sanitorium where plague patients were sent to die back in the 1920s...60,000 of them!

Now our beauties wake with sacks covering their heads.  A macabre voice barks instructions to them.  They get the masks off and begin exploring the dilapidated and haunted facility.  Ghosts of nurses and dying girls plague them.  Now, one by one, the ghost attacks gets dangerous.  Hints emerge that the five coeds may have some twisted connection to what went on in this death house almost a century ago.  Not every gorgeous babe will remain gorgeous, sadly.  Now Richie, who is hosting this, realizes the gals are in mortal danger and seeks to save the ones he has had pre-marital sex with.  One may question the wisdom of his motivation.  Either way, the ghosts are ominous and the gals seem ill-fated.

Without humor and twisted, this film is dark and atmospheric.  Will Richie be able to have pre-marital sex with Devon, Elizabeth, and Tori now that Ashley and Heather are furious at him?  Just what is the connection between these five babes and the sanitorium's lurid history?  Will any of the babes remain beautiful as the end credits roll?  For a ghost story with gore, and cheese, see "Death Tunnel."

Tuesday, August 16, 2022

Curse of the Kraken, China's Answer to Godzilla vs the Smog Monster

Littering!  Before the global warming hoax, littering was endangering the planet.  In Japan, polluting the oceans caused the smog monster to attack the mainland.  Sadly, the warnings of "Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster" went largely ignored.  Leave it to another superpower to resurrect this important message.  As Chinese beach goers litter the ocean with Carona beer cans, sea monsters wait to pounce.  From China, today we look at 2020's "Curse of the Kraken," directed by Wu Shile.

Giant monster squids that eat beach goers and sailors!  Flying two-headed great white sharks!  Cannibal beetles that eat people!  Mutant squid-men!  It's all here.  Oh yes...sailor hunks and sailor babes, too!  A giant sea monster, a kraken, comes to shore and eats bikini babes and surf hunks.  Fast forward to a fishing vessel.  The small crew includes the brave sailor man, Jin-Dong (Yu Kehong), mad scientist babe, Jamen (Sun Xun), and sultry cook, Jong-Li (Zhang Yuenan)...and others.  The kraken attacks and infuses one of the sailors with its juice.  Now the beset sailor is a mutant squid man bent on ripping apart his crew mates.  Brave Jin-Dong defends his mates. Sadly, not all will survive.  Even sadder, the Kraken attack coincides with a pirate attack.

The pirates take over and bring the ship to a pirate island.  The place is teeming with the aforementioned monsters.  The brute pirates notice Jong-Li's big...er...smile!  Now her captive mates must bust out of the cage and protect her chastity.  They do, but here comes the kraken and mutant squid man.  Now the pirates are ripped apart and the remnants of these bad men must join our surviving sailors to battle the monsters and survive.  Uh oh...the babe mad-scientist, Jamen, has a connection with the kraken.  She is bent on killing it and knows how.  Now she must convince the surviving pirates and sailors to join her in a far fetched plan that will involve hand-to-hand combat with squid man and the behemoth squid.

Will Jamen, the babe mad scientist gain enough retribution to earn some pre-marital sex with hunk sailor hero, Jin-Dong?  Bet you never figured you'd ever hear that question!  Will the kraken be able to use its probing tentacles on either Jamen or Jong-Li?  Are they really drinking Carona Beer on Chinese beaches?  This is a fun monster movie, perfect for summer or any beer drinking party.  See "Curse of the Kraken" and see what happens when a burgeoning superpower tries to co-opt the Syfy channel movies.  

Sunday, August 14, 2022

Shark Side of the Moon, Lunar Mutant Sharks

Okay...fine be that way.  Call 2022's "Shark Side of the Moon" the worst film ever made.  Go ahead with all your negative vibes.  Now for you open minded blokes, let us take a serious look at this Tubi Original (The Asylum) film directed by Glenn Campbell (no, not that one) and Tammy Klein.  Perhaps this is an appropriately bad film as it concerns itself with NASA and the U.S. space program (a joke in itself).  Either way, let us not get too into the plot lest we betray our ability to understand this epic.

Back in 1984 the Soviet went in a different direction with their space program.  Instead of shuttles, they manufactured mutant humanoid hammerhead sharks.  Makes sense.  Hey, we should talk...we in the U.S. were bent on a useless and senseless space shuttle.  The hammerhead humanoids get loose and take s spaceship to the moon.  Present day, NASA is launching a ship to the moon with a really stupid and whiny crew.  The expedition will begin to colonize the moon and plant fauna.  The captain is the ridiculous Commander Nicole Tress (Maxi Witrak).  Just after launch she announces it is her nap time (she probably read Joe Biden's book on leadership).  Immediately the ship falls apart and crash lands on the dark side of the moon.

Our whacky commander gives one order after another which all get crew members killed.  Finally, she and three unfortunate crewmembers go outside and explore.  Turns out the hammerhead mutants have colonized the moon.  They are rescued by a grouchy Russian cosmonaut, Sergey (Ego Mikitas) and the half shark half babe gilled beauty Akula (Tania Fox).  The hammerhead humanoids desire to destroy the humans, steal their ship and take it back to Earth to conquer.  Nicole continues to demonstrate incompetence and her crew gets eaten one by one because of it.  Akula, it turns out, is the sister of the queen of hammerhead mutants (Natasha Goubskay) and the two hate one another.  Okay, you get the picture.  No more plot...I hear you.  Although...the ending?  Wow!

Are the evil mutant hammerhead humanoids a metaphor of what awaits our incompetent and weaponized civilization as we enter serious space exploration?  Is the incompetent Commander Tress a metaphor for Elon Musk and his very subsidized ideas about space exploration?  Are the makers of this film poignant in suggesting Sea World is a perfect metaphor for this mortal coil we call life.  See it to believe it...especially the last 10 minutes..."Shark Side of the Moon."  

Friday, August 12, 2022

Python Island, Snakes Aplenty

Icky snakes!  A lot of them.  Throw in some man eating plants...some babes...and the quest for eternal life and we have the story of America.  Except...this one is made in China...okay...also the story of America.  You have to give the Chinese credit...included in this film are a trio of leather clad, crossbow wielding, babe bodyguards that never figure into the plot...but hey...stick them in the movie anyway!  Why not?  Today we looks at 2021's "Python Island," directed by Zhang Di Choi.

Ten years ago little Jiashu (Bai Na Ri Su) and his uncle are fishing.  Their raft is attacked by a mega cobra thing and the duo end up on Cannibal Island.  The place is teeming with snakes and the remnants of an ancient snake cult.  The duo's townsfolk come looking for them and soon everyone is under attack from giant snakes.  Jiashu and his uncle survive.  Ten years later, Jiashu has left his village and become a hotshot biologist working for Big Pharma (slimeball!).  But Jiashu is good...instead of inventing killer 'vaccines,' he tries to better humanity.  His boss, a dragon-lady (Tan Jimin), who has three babe, leather and crossbow clad bodyguards tells Jiashu he will lead an expedition to Cannibal Island where a special plant is grown that can regenerate cells.  Yep...you guessed it...the secret of eternal life, itself.  The dragon-lady matches Jiashu up with her babe daughter, Lily (Zai Mire)...and she's a real dish.

The large breasted Lily and Jiashu fall in love.  The expedition gets to the island and are immediately beset by large snakes and man-eating fauna.  Soon, Jiashu realizes the dragon-lady only cares about the money an eternal life drug could bring to her company.  Now the expedition members begin getting eaten and Jiashu and Lily keep making goo goo eyes at one another.  Oh yeah...I won't even mention Jiashu's friend...the gold python.  Uh oh...Jiashu finds out his home village is dying of some snake plague and the cure lies in the special plant found on Cannibal Island.  And Lily...she looks real good...and she better, lest Jiashu start ogling the crossbow babes instead.

Will either the dragon-lady or Jiashu capture the mysterious plant of the island in order to fulfil their goals.  Will Lily and Jiashu survive and does Lily see the giant snakes as a metaphor for...actually, never mind...I withdraw this question.  How about these leather clad, crossbow wielding bodyguard dames?  Are they mean enough to take over Taiwan?  See "Python Island" for some nice beef and cheese, icky monsters, and and some irrelevant but nifty crossbow wielding babes.        

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

Mutant Space Vampires from the Planet Neptune, Blood Suckers at the Cabin in the Woods

We have to love modern day B movies.  As big studios pumps out garbage in the form of superhero films and idiocies proclaiming woke social justice, it is so nice to stumble on a plot that we actually want to see...as opposed to one we're told to see.  Today we look at 2021's "Mutant Vampires from the Planet Neptune," directed by Calvin Morie McCarthy.  This may be the first film since "Event Horizon" to use the planet Neptune as a plot device.

A flying saucer, presumably from Neptune, crash lands in the woods.  An alien, a horrific looking space vampire (Steve Larkin), emerges and treks through the woods.  He comes across a couple of campers engaging in pre-marital sex.  The couple is about to be murdered by an escaped lunatic (McCarthy) from a mental asylum.  Our vampire murders all three and now has the lunatic's machete to use as a weapon.  Now we have five friends driving into a cabin in the woods for some pre-marital sex, booze, and illegal drugs.  Yuri (Alex Onda) and his hot GF Cassie (Chelsea Falbo) are joined by Buzz the Annoying (Luke Nelson) and his tattooed GF Starr (Jax Kellington).  Yuri's loner sister, Larissa (Julene Fontaine) also joins them, but she's no fun...initially.  The five will booze it up...partake in marijuana and cocaine...strip...and engage in pre-marital sex or baths.

Our vampire friend is on his way to the cabin.  Before reaching it, he murders more campers seeking pre-marital sex.  Eventually it sets his sights on our five protagonists.  Larissa, a vampire fan, will be drawn to the creature.  Uh oh...the vampire seems to be more "Jason" than "Dracula" and is more comfortable using the machete than his fangs.  Now all out war breaks out between the five stoned and drunk friends and the creature.  Machetes will fly...fangs will bite...pre-marital sex will be interrupted...and booze will be aplenty.  The movie is headed to a bloodbath...but who will be shedding the blood?

Will our vampire creature decide to make any of the three nubile and sexually adept women in the cabin his bride?  Will Yuri or Buzz shake off the booze and marijuana and be able to fight the thing off and save their girlfriends?  Will Larissa's fascination with the toothy creatures give her any advantage in repelling the vampire invasion?  This is a fun one and the people in the film looked like they had a fun time making it.  Reject anything Disney and Big Hollywood, and catch "Mutant Space Vampires from the Planet  Neptune."  

Monday, August 8, 2022

Demonoid, Killer Hand

Samantha Eggar!  The beautiful redhead is the epitome of sophistication and class.  In other words, she speaks with a European accent.  Today we have her in a horror film from 1981.  Hardly low budget, like most of our 1981 horror entries, but still gory and gratuitous.  With Ms. Eggar, we almost feel as if we're watching an Alberto VO5 commercial with boobs and blood.  Anyway...let us get to today's film, "Demonoid," directed by Alfredo Zacarias.

A blonde babe is trying to steal a sacred hand from a devil cult in Mexico.  The cultists will catch her, beat the living daylights out of her, strip her, and cut off her hand.  So sad.  Fast forward a century or two, Mark (Roy Jenson) owns a mine in Mexico.  His miners are scared to go into it as they know the devil cult had its temple down there.  Now Jenny (Eggar), Mark's sultry wife (he married out of his league) arrives.  Thinking the miners are silly, Jenny, high heels and hairspray and all, goes down into the mine to prove its safe.  Eventually, she and her husband stumble upon the cultists chamber and unleash a demon possessed hand.  All seems well until the two get into bed...the devil hand makes its way into their bed and attacks Jenny.  In defending his wife, the hand possesses Mark...now Mark is possessed with a demon.

Mark runs away and his hand causes him to murder and win in Las Vegas.  Jenny, wanting her sugar daddy back, follows...but always arrives after the corpses are cooling.  Turns out the hand keeps getting severed when the host figures out what is going on.  Now Father Cunningham (Stuart Whitman) helps Jenny.  The duo follow a trail of bodies with severed hands.  Uh oh...the hand wants Jenny...and who can blame it?  Now the hand continues murdering and turns the tables on the priest and the babe.  As Jenny continues seducing us with her accent, high heels, and flowing red hair, the hand demonstrates that it means to rip her to shreds.  

Can Father Cunningham protect Jenny from the devil hand?  Will Jenny be able to make Father Cunningham forget about his vow of celibacy?  If the hand is able to get Jenny in bed again, what will it do to her?  Vicious and gory, this film may not leave you smiling like an Alberto VO5 commercial.  Still, for an eerie and semi-erotic 1981 horror film, see "Demonoid."

Saturday, August 6, 2022

Shark Bait, Spring Break Terror

Bikini babes and hunks!  Throw in some nice gore and a hungry great white shark...and we have the 2022 Tubi original "Shark Bait," directed by James Nunn.  It would be easy to say that we have a bunch of snot nosed college kids we want to see die horribly, here.  Be careful.  A hungry great white can be a wonderful means to maturity and heroism.  The bickering, silliness, and two-timing will give way to that maturity...if anyone survives.

They're drunk, partying, and mischievous.  Too bad they don't seem to be interested in pre-marital sex, or they may live longer.  Instead, the three drunk hunks, Tom (Jack Trueman), Tyler (Malachi Pullar-Latchman), and Greg (Thomas Flynn) steal two jet skis.  Tom's girl, Nat (Holly Earl) seems clean cut enough...this is probably why Tom is also screwing Milly (Catherine Hannay), who is Nat's BFF.  The drunk spring breakers head out into the ocean, very drunk, and wild with the jet skis.  Now they collide and are disabled...and lost.  The shoreline is nowhere in sight.  It's always fun until someone gets hurt...or gets his legs bitten off, as the saying goes. 

Greg is wounded and his blood beckons the perfect killing machine.  Hung over and childish, the survival of any of these babes and hunks seems a remote possibility.  Now it gets worse...slut Milly lets Nat know that she too is screwing her boyfriend, Tom.  Now Nat piles on the passive aggressive hostility as the shark pours on the very aggressive hostility.  As the great white prepares to engorge in the human buffet, the spring breakers begin undertaking some really bad plans for survival.  The bickering continues as the shark seems to get smarter.  The sun fries their skin and their immaturity prevent them from hatching a decent plan.  Then a herculean call to maturity and survival seeps into the plot...but is it too late?

Does slut Milly have any chance of surviving to the end credits?  Will Nat feed her two-timing main squeeze to the great white?  Would the shark be doing us all a favor in getting these five college kids out of the gene pool?  Gory and filled with cheese and beef, "Shark Bait" is a worthwhile shark film that will be enjoyed by many this summer.  

Thursday, August 4, 2022

Party Line, Erotic and Kinky Slasher Fare

Shawn Weatherly was Miss USA and then Miss Universe when those pageants selected beautiful young women who were stunning, likable, and inspiring.  Today, the major pageants are unwatchable.  The selections are sometimes women, always plastic and fake, and very unlikable.  The winners are forced to spout woke social justice nonsense and their plastic surgeries are flaunted.  Ms. Weatherly launched into a movie and TV career that featured some horror movies, none as kinky as the 1988 erotic slasher film "Party Line," directed by William Webb. 

The weird Seth (Leif Garrett) and his sultry sister Angelina (Great Blackburn) are way too close as siblings.  Taboo is a good word for their relationship.  The two troll party lines (those old 976 numbers) and arrange meetings with potential sex partners.  Angelina lures married men to her bed and Seth enters after the climaxing and slits the throats of these poor saps.  Detective Dan (Richard Hatch) is on the case.  So is assistant prosecutor Stacy (Weatherly).  They initially hate one another.  Bodies keep showing up, naked and with their throats cut.  The two investigators need to catch a break.

We get a look into Seth's and Angelina's past...and it is twisted.  Seth's inappropriate attraction for his sister plays out.  As for Angelina, we get a lot of gratuitous aerobic, bikini, nude, and sex scenes with her.  Now Dan and Stacy get a break...they think.  Uh oh, Seth is a step ahead of them.  Stacy will get all dolled up in a very alluring red satin party gown and head to a club to catch a killer.  Poor Stacy, Seth is waiting for her and sets a trap.  Dan has made the case personal as a pretty policewoman has been murdered by Seth.  Now Stacy, looking better than anyone has a right to, is strutting into mortal danger.

Kinky and deviant, this 1980s horror film may have been missed by many.  Will Seth abduct Stacy, and for what purpose?  How will a very jealous Angelina treat Stacy when she is brought home looking better than her?  Will there be any pre-marital sex between Dan and Stacy?  This is a good one with a maximum cheese and beef factor.  For an alluring slasher film, see "Party Line." 

Tuesday, August 2, 2022

Hypothermia, Monster vs. Family

Michael Rooker is one of our favorite actors.  We loved him in "The Walking Dead," and noticed the show got unwatchable after he left it.  In 2010 he starred in a monster movie called "Hypothermia" (directed by James Felix McKenney)  It is one of those movies in which we cheer for the monsters.  In fact, Michael Rooker's character is the only one we want to survive until the end credits.  Today we look at this monster-in-the-lake film set in icy Maine.

Ray (Rooker) and his wife Helen (Blanche Baker) are hosting their son, David (Benjamin Forster) and his girlfriend Gina (Amy Chang) for a weekend at their cabin.  Ray has planned for the four of them to go ice fishing.  We instantly don't like Gina and David.  Both these snot nosed kids have graduated from college and signed up to serve in the Peace Corps...in Uganda.  I'm sure the Ugandans are so thrilled at the prospect of these lily-livered libs coming to show them how to wash their hands. Okay...to the ice.  Very cold.  The parents seem to bond with Gina nicely.  Then Steve (Don Wood) and his son Steve (Greg Finley) arrive.  The dad Steve is obnoxious and is more about blaring loud music and drinking beer.  No matter...fish aren't biting (they've all been eaten by the monster).

Then it attacks.  It lives below the ice and begins hunting our six ice fishers.  The thing is humanoid and breaks through the ice and drags the victim into the depths where it rips them to shreds.  Too far away from shore to run away, they try to hunt the thing.  This won't go well.  The thing is mean, angry, and aggressive.  One by one, the humans are torn to pieces...not entirely sad.  The gore will get pretty good. We will see how useless our Peace Corps couple is...something which the Ugandans probably already know.  On the cold and icy lake, the war will wage on with bloody consequences.

Should the Peace Corps send its peeps to Western Europe or North America where the citizens are really screwing up just about everything, instead of Africa?  Is this creature feature a minor remake of "Creature from the Black Lagoon"?  Should anyone or anything survive this film?  Good gore and a neat monster make this film worthwhile.  For a nice Friday night creature feature, take in "Hypothermia."