Tuesday, August 16, 2022

Curse of the Kraken, China's Answer to Godzilla vs the Smog Monster

Littering!  Before the global warming hoax, littering was endangering the planet.  In Japan, polluting the oceans caused the smog monster to attack the mainland.  Sadly, the warnings of "Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster" went largely ignored.  Leave it to another superpower to resurrect this important message.  As Chinese beach goers litter the ocean with Carona beer cans, sea monsters wait to pounce.  From China, today we look at 2020's "Curse of the Kraken," directed by Wu Shile.

Giant monster squids that eat beach goers and sailors!  Flying two-headed great white sharks!  Cannibal beetles that eat people!  Mutant squid-men!  It's all here.  Oh yes...sailor hunks and sailor babes, too!  A giant sea monster, a kraken, comes to shore and eats bikini babes and surf hunks.  Fast forward to a fishing vessel.  The small crew includes the brave sailor man, Jin-Dong (Yu Kehong), mad scientist babe, Jamen (Sun Xun), and sultry cook, Jong-Li (Zhang Yuenan)...and others.  The kraken attacks and infuses one of the sailors with its juice.  Now the beset sailor is a mutant squid man bent on ripping apart his crew mates.  Brave Jin-Dong defends his mates. Sadly, not all will survive.  Even sadder, the Kraken attack coincides with a pirate attack.

The pirates take over and bring the ship to a pirate island.  The place is teeming with the aforementioned monsters.  The brute pirates notice Jong-Li's big...er...smile!  Now her captive mates must bust out of the cage and protect her chastity.  They do, but here comes the kraken and mutant squid man.  Now the pirates are ripped apart and the remnants of these bad men must join our surviving sailors to battle the monsters and survive.  Uh oh...the babe mad-scientist, Jamen, has a connection with the kraken.  She is bent on killing it and knows how.  Now she must convince the surviving pirates and sailors to join her in a far fetched plan that will involve hand-to-hand combat with squid man and the behemoth squid.

Will Jamen, the babe mad scientist gain enough retribution to earn some pre-marital sex with hunk sailor hero, Jin-Dong?  Bet you never figured you'd ever hear that question!  Will the kraken be able to use its probing tentacles on either Jamen or Jong-Li?  Are they really drinking Carona Beer on Chinese beaches?  This is a fun monster movie, perfect for summer or any beer drinking party.  See "Curse of the Kraken" and see what happens when a burgeoning superpower tries to co-opt the Syfy channel movies.  

Sunday, August 14, 2022

Shark Side of the Moon, Lunar Mutant Sharks

Okay...fine be that way.  Call 2022's "Shark Side of the Moon" the worst film ever made.  Go ahead with all your negative vibes.  Now for you open minded blokes, let us take a serious look at this Tubi Original (The Asylum) film directed by Glenn Campbell (no, not that one) and Tammy Klein.  Perhaps this is an appropriately bad film as it concerns itself with NASA and the U.S. space program (a joke in itself).  Either way, let us not get too into the plot lest we betray our ability to understand this epic.

Back in 1984 the Soviet went in a different direction with their space program.  Instead of shuttles, they manufactured mutant humanoid hammerhead sharks.  Makes sense.  Hey, we should talk...we in the U.S. were bent on a useless and senseless space shuttle.  The hammerhead humanoids get loose and take s spaceship to the moon.  Present day, NASA is launching a ship to the moon with a really stupid and whiny crew.  The expedition will begin to colonize the moon and plant fauna.  The captain is the ridiculous Commander Nicole Tress (Maxi Witrak).  Just after launch she announces it is her nap time (she probably read Joe Biden's book on leadership).  Immediately the ship falls apart and crash lands on the dark side of the moon.

Our whacky commander gives one order after another which all get crew members killed.  Finally, she and three unfortunate crewmembers go outside and explore.  Turns out the hammerhead mutants have colonized the moon.  They are rescued by a grouchy Russian cosmonaut, Sergey (Ego Mikitas) and the half shark half babe gilled beauty Akula (Tania Fox).  The hammerhead humanoids desire to destroy the humans, steal their ship and take it back to Earth to conquer.  Nicole continues to demonstrate incompetence and her crew gets eaten one by one because of it.  Akula, it turns out, is the sister of the queen of hammerhead mutants (Natasha Goubskay) and the two hate one another.  Okay, you get the picture.  No more plot...I hear you.  Although...the ending?  Wow!

Are the evil mutant hammerhead humanoids a metaphor of what awaits our incompetent and weaponized civilization as we enter serious space exploration?  Is the incompetent Commander Tress a metaphor for Elon Musk and his very subsidized ideas about space exploration?  Are the makers of this film poignant in suggesting Sea World is a perfect metaphor for this mortal coil we call life.  See it to believe it...especially the last 10 minutes..."Shark Side of the Moon."  

Friday, August 12, 2022

Python Island, Snakes Aplenty

Icky snakes!  A lot of them.  Throw in some man eating plants...some babes...and the quest for eternal life and we have the story of America.  Except...this one is made in China...okay...also the story of America.  You have to give the Chinese credit...included in this film are a trio of leather clad, crossbow wielding, babe bodyguards that never figure into the plot...but hey...stick them in the movie anyway!  Why not?  Today we looks at 2021's "Python Island," directed by Zhang Di Choi.

Ten years ago little Jiashu (Bai Na Ri Su) and his uncle are fishing.  Their raft is attacked by a mega cobra thing and the duo end up on Cannibal Island.  The place is teeming with snakes and the remnants of an ancient snake cult.  The duo's townsfolk come looking for them and soon everyone is under attack from giant snakes.  Jiashu and his uncle survive.  Ten years later, Jiashu has left his village and become a hotshot biologist working for Big Pharma (slimeball!).  But Jiashu is good...instead of inventing killer 'vaccines,' he tries to better humanity.  His boss, a dragon-lady (Tan Jimin), who has three babe, leather and crossbow clad bodyguards tells Jiashu he will lead an expedition to Cannibal Island where a special plant is grown that can regenerate cells.  Yep...you guessed it...the secret of eternal life, itself.  The dragon-lady matches Jiashu up with her babe daughter, Lily (Zai Mire)...and she's a real dish.

The large breasted Lily and Jiashu fall in love.  The expedition gets to the island and are immediately beset by large snakes and man-eating fauna.  Soon, Jiashu realizes the dragon-lady only cares about the money an eternal life drug could bring to her company.  Now the expedition members begin getting eaten and Jiashu and Lily keep making goo goo eyes at one another.  Oh yeah...I won't even mention Jiashu's friend...the gold python.  Uh oh...Jiashu finds out his home village is dying of some snake plague and the cure lies in the special plant found on Cannibal Island.  And Lily...she looks real good...and she better, lest Jiashu start ogling the crossbow babes instead.

Will either the dragon-lady or Jiashu capture the mysterious plant of the island in order to fulfil their goals.  Will Lily and Jiashu survive and does Lily see the giant snakes as a metaphor for...actually, never mind...I withdraw this question.  How about these leather clad, crossbow wielding bodyguard dames?  Are they mean enough to take over Taiwan?  See "Python Island" for some nice beef and cheese, icky monsters, and and some irrelevant but nifty crossbow wielding babes.        

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

Mutant Space Vampires from the Planet Neptune, Blood Suckers at the Cabin in the Woods

We have to love modern day B movies.  As big studios pumps out garbage in the form of superhero films and idiocies proclaiming woke social justice, it is so nice to stumble on a plot that we actually want to see...as opposed to one we're told to see.  Today we look at 2021's "Mutant Vampires from the Planet Neptune," directed by Calvin Morie McCarthy.  This may be the first film since "Event Horizon" to use the planet Neptune as a plot device.

A flying saucer, presumably from Neptune, crash lands in the woods.  An alien, a horrific looking space vampire (Steve Larkin), emerges and treks through the woods.  He comes across a couple of campers engaging in pre-marital sex.  The couple is about to be murdered by an escaped lunatic (McCarthy) from a mental asylum.  Our vampire murders all three and now has the lunatic's machete to use as a weapon.  Now we have five friends driving into a cabin in the woods for some pre-marital sex, booze, and illegal drugs.  Yuri (Alex Onda) and his hot GF Cassie (Chelsea Falbo) are joined by Buzz the Annoying (Luke Nelson) and his tattooed GF Starr (Jax Kellington).  Yuri's loner sister, Larissa (Julene Fontaine) also joins them, but she's no fun...initially.  The five will booze it up...partake in marijuana and cocaine...strip...and engage in pre-marital sex or baths.

Our vampire friend is on his way to the cabin.  Before reaching it, he murders more campers seeking pre-marital sex.  Eventually it sets his sights on our five protagonists.  Larissa, a vampire fan, will be drawn to the creature.  Uh oh...the vampire seems to be more "Jason" than "Dracula" and is more comfortable using the machete than his fangs.  Now all out war breaks out between the five stoned and drunk friends and the creature.  Machetes will fly...fangs will bite...pre-marital sex will be interrupted...and booze will be aplenty.  The movie is headed to a bloodbath...but who will be shedding the blood?

Will our vampire creature decide to make any of the three nubile and sexually adept women in the cabin his bride?  Will Yuri or Buzz shake off the booze and marijuana and be able to fight the thing off and save their girlfriends?  Will Larissa's fascination with the toothy creatures give her any advantage in repelling the vampire invasion?  This is a fun one and the people in the film looked like they had a fun time making it.  Reject anything Disney and Big Hollywood, and catch "Mutant Space Vampires from the Planet  Neptune."  

Monday, August 8, 2022

Demonoid, Killer Hand

Samantha Eggar!  The beautiful redhead is the epitome of sophistication and class.  In other words, she speaks with a European accent.  Today we have her in a horror film from 1981.  Hardly low budget, like most of our 1981 horror entries, but still gory and gratuitous.  With Ms. Eggar, we almost feel as if we're watching an Alberto VO5 commercial with boobs and blood.  Anyway...let us get to today's film, "Demonoid," directed by Alfredo Zacarias.

A blonde babe is trying to steal a sacred hand from a devil cult in Mexico.  The cultists will catch her, beat the living daylights out of her, strip her, and cut off her hand.  So sad.  Fast forward a century or two, Mark (Roy Jenson) owns a mine in Mexico.  His miners are scared to go into it as they know the devil cult had its temple down there.  Now Jenny (Eggar), Mark's sultry wife (he married out of his league) arrives.  Thinking the miners are silly, Jenny, high heels and hairspray and all, goes down into the mine to prove its safe.  Eventually, she and her husband stumble upon the cultists chamber and unleash a demon possessed hand.  All seems well until the two get into bed...the devil hand makes its way into their bed and attacks Jenny.  In defending his wife, the hand possesses Mark...now Mark is possessed with a demon.

Mark runs away and his hand causes him to murder and win in Las Vegas.  Jenny, wanting her sugar daddy back, follows...but always arrives after the corpses are cooling.  Turns out the hand keeps getting severed when the host figures out what is going on.  Now Father Cunningham (Stuart Whitman) helps Jenny.  The duo follow a trail of bodies with severed hands.  Uh oh...the hand wants Jenny...and who can blame it?  Now the hand continues murdering and turns the tables on the priest and the babe.  As Jenny continues seducing us with her accent, high heels, and flowing red hair, the hand demonstrates that it means to rip her to shreds.  

Can Father Cunningham protect Jenny from the devil hand?  Will Jenny be able to make Father Cunningham forget about his vow of celibacy?  If the hand is able to get Jenny in bed again, what will it do to her?  Vicious and gory, this film may not leave you smiling like an Alberto VO5 commercial.  Still, for an eerie and semi-erotic 1981 horror film, see "Demonoid."

Saturday, August 6, 2022

Shark Bait, Spring Break Terror

Bikini babes and hunks!  Throw in some nice gore and a hungry great white shark...and we have the 2022 Tubi original "Shark Bait," directed by James Nunn.  It would be easy to say that we have a bunch of snot nosed college kids we want to see die horribly, here.  Be careful.  A hungry great white can be a wonderful means to maturity and heroism.  The bickering, silliness, and two-timing will give way to that maturity...if anyone survives.

They're drunk, partying, and mischievous.  Too bad they don't seem to be interested in pre-marital sex, or they may live longer.  Instead, the three drunk hunks, Tom (Jack Trueman), Tyler (Malachi Pullar-Latchman), and Greg (Thomas Flynn) steal two jet skis.  Tom's girl, Nat (Holly Earl) seems clean cut enough...this is probably why Tom is also screwing Milly (Catherine Hannay), who is Nat's BFF.  The drunk spring breakers head out into the ocean, very drunk, and wild with the jet skis.  Now they collide and are disabled...and lost.  The shoreline is nowhere in sight.  It's always fun until someone gets hurt...or gets his legs bitten off, as the saying goes. 

Greg is wounded and his blood beckons the perfect killing machine.  Hung over and childish, the survival of any of these babes and hunks seems a remote possibility.  Now it gets worse...slut Milly lets Nat know that she too is screwing her boyfriend, Tom.  Now Nat piles on the passive aggressive hostility as the shark pours on the very aggressive hostility.  As the great white prepares to engorge in the human buffet, the spring breakers begin undertaking some really bad plans for survival.  The bickering continues as the shark seems to get smarter.  The sun fries their skin and their immaturity prevent them from hatching a decent plan.  Then a herculean call to maturity and survival seeps into the plot...but is it too late?

Does slut Milly have any chance of surviving to the end credits?  Will Nat feed her two-timing main squeeze to the great white?  Would the shark be doing us all a favor in getting these five college kids out of the gene pool?  Gory and filled with cheese and beef, "Shark Bait" is a worthwhile shark film that will be enjoyed by many this summer.  

Thursday, August 4, 2022

Party Line, Erotic and Kinky Slasher Fare

Shawn Weatherly was Miss USA and then Miss Universe when those pageants selected beautiful young women who were stunning, likable, and inspiring.  Today, the major pageants are unwatchable.  The selections are sometimes women, always plastic and fake, and very unlikable.  The winners are forced to spout woke social justice nonsense and their plastic surgeries are flaunted.  Ms. Weatherly launched into a movie and TV career that featured some horror movies, none as kinky as the 1988 erotic slasher film "Party Line," directed by William Webb. 

The weird Seth (Leif Garrett) and his sultry sister Angelina (Great Blackburn) are way too close as siblings.  Taboo is a good word for their relationship.  The two troll party lines (those old 976 numbers) and arrange meetings with potential sex partners.  Angelina lures married men to her bed and Seth enters after the climaxing and slits the throats of these poor saps.  Detective Dan (Richard Hatch) is on the case.  So is assistant prosecutor Stacy (Weatherly).  They initially hate one another.  Bodies keep showing up, naked and with their throats cut.  The two investigators need to catch a break.

We get a look into Seth's and Angelina's past...and it is twisted.  Seth's inappropriate attraction for his sister plays out.  As for Angelina, we get a lot of gratuitous aerobic, bikini, nude, and sex scenes with her.  Now Dan and Stacy get a break...they think.  Uh oh, Seth is a step ahead of them.  Stacy will get all dolled up in a very alluring red satin party gown and head to a club to catch a killer.  Poor Stacy, Seth is waiting for her and sets a trap.  Dan has made the case personal as a pretty policewoman has been murdered by Seth.  Now Stacy, looking better than anyone has a right to, is strutting into mortal danger.

Kinky and deviant, this 1980s horror film may have been missed by many.  Will Seth abduct Stacy, and for what purpose?  How will a very jealous Angelina treat Stacy when she is brought home looking better than her?  Will there be any pre-marital sex between Dan and Stacy?  This is a good one with a maximum cheese and beef factor.  For an alluring slasher film, see "Party Line."