Cursed Waters, A Swashbuckler Horror Film

Sadie Katz is a beautiful actress we don't see enough of. No stranger to playing goddesses, but in our film today, is that what she is? Maybe, but her logic and ethos is one that will be the moral compass of this entire film. If you're right, can you also be wrong?  Can both arguers be right?  Be wrong? Her stated moral relativism sounds good, but so does cannibalism to the one doing the eating. Today we have a swashbuckler with pirates, sea battles, swords, cannonballs, sails, taboo ritualistic killings, etc. Let us look at the newest film from The Mahal Empire, 2026's "Cursed Waters," directed by Adam Werth.

Easy enough to see who the good guys are...right? A pirate ship commanded by the escaped slave Captain Bure (Glenn Plummer). His crew are also freed slaves, escaping from capitalistic and racist tyrannies. The good guys? Maybe. The bad guys, an evil navy ship, the USS Perry. It seeks Captain Plummer's vessel and to return all the slaves to their owners, after all, the slaves are mere property. The ship is headed by naval officers Captain Arnold (Michael Pare) and Commodore Bridger (Greg Tally). The two ships meet off Baja, California, fire at one another, board one another, and have a swashbucklng sword battle. Now both ships are ruined and survivors from both end up on a big island not on any maps.  Right...uh oh! At sea, or stranded on an uncharted island, both groups of survivors keep murdering one another.

Shaw (John Wells) is a hunk pirate who seems to be the voice of reason.  His buddy Drake (BJ Mezek) is his loyal mate.  Kilgore (Wesley Cannon) and his beautiful daughter Flora (Elizabeth Chamberlain) all fight heroically.  Bridger and his men mow down Shaw's people...but then the horror starts.  Beautiful sirens with poison darts murder indiscriminately. Now both sides are on the run and have not figured out they will all die if they do not work together. Kilgore and Flora scamper away on a scouting mission only to come upon what apparently looks like a hippie commune led by Credonia (Katz). She welcomes the pirates...and Kilgore and Flora are suspicious. Smart. Credonia and her people look sweet and nice, and Credonia seems to preach a respect for all and nonviolence. Ha! The blood will now flow freely. The taboo will flood into the plot. Pirates and navy sailors will fall prey to these peaceniks. Most of all, we see neither side, navy or pirate, has a monopoly on goodness and victimhood.  We also see the seemingly happy and nonviolent are anything but.

The morals are clear in this film...you'll see.  It may seem preachy at the outset, but just wait until the second half.  Shaw and his mates will see his real enemies aren't human.  The sailors will see the ones they looked at as mere property are mortals with the capacity for so much good.  The hippie commune crowd? Vicious creatures, you'll see. Even if Credonia is evil, can't we cut her a break because she is a sultry blonde?  Will Credonia and Flora engage in a muddy catfight?  Will the hunk Shaw ultimately secure freedom for beset escaped slave pirates? See "Cursed Waters" and enjoy an epic swashbuckler with a gory horrific plot. See it on Amazon Prime, Fawesome, and other streaming services.  

The Perfect Lover, An Artificial Woman Mate

Yep, after the past 60 years, any reasonable man is eagerly awaiting for the Japanese to invent an AI robot dame. Sultry, doting, and happy.  Once in college, men realize that dames seem to have been put on Earth to file harassment or assault charges against a man who might want to date them.  Can't tell a woman she looks nice without the threat of rape charges being leveled. Sadly for women...their time is coming to an end. Bring on an AI powered robot, or android, or cyborg, or artificial person. No drama...just happiness. But is that true? Today's film from Spain, is 2025's "The Perfect Lover" (aka "Personhood"), directed by Richard Jordan.

Waylen (Eliot Harris) will never get a woman to look at him...other than to laugh or coil in disgust.  He's almost a dwarf and a hunchback.  The computer genius who works from home orders an "artificial person" to serve as his companion...then she arrives.  She?  It? Therein lies the big questions of this film. Gala (Agathe Levi) arrives and she is quite the dish. Programmed to love Waylen and learn about his needs, Gala is sultry and a foot taller than our hunchback protagonist. No matter, she adores him. Sultry in little sun dresses, in leather miniskirts or pants, in a bikini, or nude...Gala is definitely the most beautiful dame in Spain...and she is all into our hunchback friend. Waylen is apprehensive as he is bothered that Gala has been programmed to love him and it is not real. Bingo! But wait!  She's programmed to handle all that and soon, Gala has convinced Waylen her love is genuine.

Uh oh...enter Anders (Alan Emrys)...he's all hunk and Waylen's ne'er-do-well cad of a brother. He is homeless after an orgy gone bad at his place. He is aghast at his brother's new GF and doesn't know she is an "artificial person."  Seeing her, he does find a way to stay around and enjoy the show. Gala will be in a bikini a lot and often swim with Anders.  Now here's where it gets complicated.  Anders enacts a dastardly plan to get Waylen away from the house while he...he...well, it will be a bit more complicated than what you might think.

Does this "artificial babe" really have the capacity to develop true love?  Will Waylen end up having pre-marital sex with the babe robot...excuse me...artificial person?  Exactly what will the evil brother do and will it involve violating the chastity of the babe machine? The ending is a twist, no doubt.  Let's be honest...the appeal of this film is actress Agathe Levi...babe!  She captures the camera and is always sultry.  Robot or not...she will cause you to drool.  See "The Perfect Lover" and hope the Japanese put these robots out soon.

Wounded, Madchen Amick Revenge Fest

It is about time we do another Madchen Amick film. We have not done one since...well...you know. The lovely waitress in "Twin Peaks," Madchen Amick was always that character we wanted to see more of.  She also portrayed the type of waitress we all fantasized about getting when strolling into a diner. Ah, Madchen Amick.  Say the name three times and it will surely bring a smile to your face.  Madchen Amick!  Madchen Amick!  Madchen Amick! Yes, bring me a slice of apple pie, Madchen Amick. You "Twin Peaks" fans understand this semi-insane outburst. Let us look at the 1997 thriller, "Wounded," directed by Richard Martin. Did I mention that Madchen Amick is in this one?

The lovely game warden, Julie (Amick...Madchen Amick), and her lover Don (Richard Joseph Paul), also a game warden, find dozens of murdered bears in the British Columbia wilderness. Poacher Hanaghan (Adrian Pasdar) murders the creatures and sells their parts to foreign buyers. The FBI and other agencies find out about this and send agents to help Julie and Don track this poacher. The poacher, Hanaghan, wins. He uses booby traps, daggers, and hunting rifles to murder his pursuers. He thinks he has murdered Julie, but a medical miracle allows the babe game warden to survive.  Sadly, her lover, Don, is murdered in front of her. Now, after coming out of a coma, and much rehab, Julie emerges suicidal.

Enter Nick Rollins (Graham Greene), an alcoholic burnt out cop. He saves Julie from committing suicide and she moves in with him. Uh oh...Hanaghan does not like loose ends...and Julie is a loose end. He comes into Vancouver and begins hunting her. Still peeved that this creep murdered her lover, Julie arms up and goes full psycho and hunts him, too.  Nick tries to deter Julie as he thinks she has no chance against this psycho poacher. Julie heads into the wilderness to begin her hunt...the bait?  Her.  Hanaghan follows and carnage will ensue.

Will the sweet Madchen Amick be able to convincingly portray a psycho hunter?  Will Julie have a prayer in the wilderness against the psycho poacher?  Would it have been too much to ask David Lynch to have put in a catfight between Madchen Amick's waitress character and Laura Palmer? This is a good one filled with wonderful British Columbia nature scenes...and Madchen Amick going psycho scenes. See "Wounded" and mourn for opportunities lost by the makers of "Twin Peaks."

Fantasies, Suzanne Pleshette in Peril

Suzanne Pleshette!  Though never naked in this one, she is quite the babe. With some smart business attire, or maybe some shiny undies, the beauty with the gravely voice and the shiny lips gives a nice and alluring performance of a damsel in great peril in the ABC TV's movie premiering on January 18, 1982. Her character isn't likable, but because she is quite the babe, we are pulling for her. Let us look at "Fantasies" (aka "Studio Murders"), directed by William Wiard.

Carla (Pleshette) is a TV soap opera writer who has created the adult soap opera "Middletown USA." Think "Peyton Place" meets "Dynasty." Carla is a cold blooded studio exec who has no qualms about killing off characters or writing young actors and actresses out of her show. Then, one by one, the leads in her TV show get murdered in real life. Take a hiatus? No! The show must go on! Using clever writing, no one is missed and other villains are created. Detective Flynn (Barry Newman) is on the case and tries to convince the president of the network, Mr. Girard (Robert Vaughn), to pause the show, but he's all numbers, ratings, and bottom lines. Carla then has a brilliant idea.  She takes the female lead, an actress (Robin Mattson) and turns her from nubile damsel into villain. The actress is impaled that night while making love to her husband...in real life. Flynn and Carla fall in love and Carla tells her ex-husband John (Patrick O'Neil) to get lost.

Suspects? A ton. Enter Roy (Stuart Damon). He starred in the soap until Carla cut him out of the plot. He's still angry and would love to murder Carla. Too easy? Probably. Flynn runs all  the suspects and they all have alibis.  Carla will strip to her undies and try on some clothes...get attacked in her bedroom and the department store, and Flynn will have no luck putting a case together. Pre-marital sex will occur between Flynn and Carla, and the steamy and prurient soap will continue.

Is Flynn, the suave detective, the killer? Should Carla and her stupid soap opera survive?  Is there a chance that ratings will kill the soap before the killer kills Carla? This is a steamy one and the reveal is just as prurient and maniacal as the plot of "Middleton USA."  Enjoy Suzanne Pleshette, and a shiny shade of lipstick she wears throughout the film, and see "Fantasies."

She Devil, From Charity Case to Trollop

Yep, pure trollop. You divorced guys out there will be able to relate to this one. All women, deep down, are trollops! They smile and wriggle their butts at you, and you're hooked.  Then they turn. Yep turn into... trollops! Today we have a "Frankenstein" type story, complete with a mad scientist who falls in love with his creation. Let us look at the sultry Mari Blanchard film from 1957, "She Devil," directed by Kurt Neumann. BTW..."Trollop" is a term used quite freely in this film.

She's not a trollop yet. Nope, now Kyra (Blanchard) is on a hospital bed, dying. Enter the brilliant and handsome Dr. Scott (Jack Kelly). He has created a serum that cures...everything! Broken bones, paralysis, tuberculosis, gashes to the skin, PMS...you name it. He convinces the head of the hospital, Dr. Bach (Albert Dekker), to allow him to use the serum on the lovely dying dame. He does, cures her, and instantly falls in love with her. She is quite the looker. Kyra thanks them and turns evil immediately. As she robs an old man and a department store, Kyra realizes she can now change her appearance at will. The black haired beauty is now blonde, and now Scott loves her even more...sap! Kyra tells the two doctors that she will do anything she has to to secure great wealth and good clothes. The guys then realize the serum has made her a...trollop!

At a ritzy party to raise funds for the new hospital, Bach and Scott invite rich people and Kyra. Kyra sets her sights on Barton (John Archer) and his money. Uh oh...Barton's wife (Fay Baker) slaps Kyra and calls her a trollop. Yep...catfight ensues and the trollop murders the socialite dame...leaving Barton a widower. Now Kyra sets her sights on marrying the millionaire...then...well you can figure it out. Scott, who loves the trollop...well, she is Mari Blanchard...wants her back and tries to reason with the devil woman. She scoffs at Scott and becomes a deadly femme-fatale.  Carnage will be left in her wake and now Scott and Bach realize they need to act to destroy the devil they have created.

Is Kyra a metaphor for any pretty dame out there...nubile and pure one moment...trollop and evil the next? If a devil woman looked like Mari Blanchard, would we be the same suckers Dr. Scott and Dr. Bach were? Just how does a mad scientist get rid of the creation that has become smarter than he? This is an alluring one and Ms. Blanchard's performance is seductive and captures the camera any time she is in a scene. See "She Devil" and be seduced by a trollop that can stir your juices at will. 

Shark Evil, Big Shark vs. Asian Babes

Chinese babes, to be more specific. Yep, the Chinese actresses look great in bikinis, or other swimwear, or tight SCUBA suits...and sadly, some look terrific being eaten by a big Great White. Of note, Fan Dong and Xiaoxuan Wei. Not household names here, but in China? Yep, they'll make billions forget about Mao...or Chiang Kai-shek. Who? Never mind.  The Chinese have made a shark film, that isn't preachy, and throws babes aplenty at us. Hunks? Sure, they're in this too. Let us look at 2023's "Shark Evil" directed by the Frank Capra of Asia, Huanxiang Chen.

Yu Fei (Dong)...babe! Sad babe. She's arranging a party on her yacht. Engagement party for her bestie Tong Yan (Wei) and Wu Liang (Xin Zer Tan). Problem, Yu Fei was once in love with Wu...who wasn't. More drama, Zhang Yi (Xin Cai) arrives with his new GF...the TV spokesmodel Li Qing (Ziling Huang). She's totally superficial but we like her because she looks great in a swimsuit. Yu Fei feels awkward.  She doesn't have a date and everyone else is smooching and feeling one another up.  The good sport that she is, Yu Fei puts on a nice shiny SCUBA suit and all go out into the ocean. The lovebirds, Wu and Tang Yan go jet skiing, while Yu Fei, the spokesmodel, and Zhang Yi go diving. Uh oh...the Great white comes to the divers.  The lovebirds on the jet ski? They find a derelict fishing vessel.

The horror begins. Sadly, our supermodel won't fare well...sad. Mao would have shed a tear, too. Wu and Tong Yan explore the ghost vessel only to find out its horrific past. The shark now, with a supermodel in its belly, wants dessert. The beautiful will be put through the Great White ringer, and the hunks will be forced to show they are not useless.  The former besties, Yu Fei and Tong Yan will be thrown back together to either reconcile and fight the fish...or die. The babes will get pretty inventive as death gets closer.  The fish seems unstoppable.  It'll ultimately be babes vs. monster shark.  Hopefully the babes will have a better track record than the Chinese armed forces.

Will any babe survive to the end credits?  Will any of the hunks in this film do anything even remotely useful? Is there a catfight brewing between the Yu Fei in her SCUBA suit and Tong Yan in her swimsuit? This is a good one.  Cheese and beef are aplenty as the monster shark seeks to eat both. For a terrific shark film, and the one film that captures the ethos of China through the ages, see "Shark Evil."

The Snow Demon, Idiots vs. the Monster

Go monster! From the United Kingdom we have a stirring film about a creature that haunts the frozen tundra of the United Kingdom. Go with it. Sure, the protagonists are silly and annoying, but our demon, or monster, or Yeti, or whatever it is, will be unmerciful. Today we look at 2026's "The Snow Demon," directed by Dominic Nutter.

As our film begins, Lila (Jenny Miller), a babe, is chased through a kind of snowy landscape by a... well... a snow demon.  This grouchy looking monster that looks like a big coyote that stands on its hind legs, is probably as annoyed by the babe as we will be at her friends, that will come look for her.  Demon wins. It claws Lila apart and eats her...just like a man who has had too much to drink at a frat party. One year later, her buddies come to the isolated part of these woods where she was last seen.  They stay at the same cabin they stayed at last year when Lila wandered away not to be seen again. Emma (Francesca Weir) has the brilliant idea that all of them will light candles to show Lila's spirit the way home. Harper (Belle Taylor) is a thin Goth-wannabe who doesn't quite buy this 'show her the way home' strategy. Jade (Gina Smith) has a secret which once revealed will make us yawn. Rhea (Jessie Vinning)...well, she's there too. Oh, Rowan (Ben Maddocks)! He needs a dose of manhood and to stop hanging out with a scrapbooking crowd.

The snow begins to fall and Harper goes for a jog. She meets a folklorist, Owen (Ronny Mendoza) and then watches him get eaten by the demon. She runs back to the cabin in shock, and Rowan takes Jade, or is it Emma, and goes out to see what scared Harper...he'll find it...to his dismay. Now the gals who are left, which include the catatonic Harper, must batten down the hatches of the cabin and survive. Jade sort of takes the lead...and all her ideas are ridiculous.  The demon-thing seems to have the advantage in this war and will end up eating well. Then, as their ranks thin, Jade comes up with more bad plans.

Will any of the babes survive the wrath of this coyote-like thing?  Will these candles ever get lit?  Is there a man around who has some ounce of masculinity that could come by and save the gals and kill the fiendish demon-thing? This is a fun one, in a MST3K sort of way.  See "The Snow Demon" and see just how far the U.K. has fallen under Keir Starmer, or this new Andy Burnham guy.