Fortune Cookie, Final Destination Mandarin Style

Okay, I was going to say this film is "Final Destination" lite.  Never mind that.  I just tabulated the kill count and wow! We have hunks and babes...many will die so horribly in very twisted and impaling ways. The culprit? Right, fortune cookies.  Oh, guess what!  The detective in this one is...Dina Meyer!  Yes, the babe from the shower scene in "Starship Troopers."  Okay, I admit her role could have been deeper, but it is Dina Meyer, so we are happy.  A lot happier than the babes and hunks who will lose their heads or have their faces fried off.  Today we look at 2016's "Fortune Cookie," directed by Rob Pallatina, and made by The Asylum.

Major league babe Isabella (Morgan Obenreder) is opening a Chinese restaurant.  She's serious about culturally appropriating a once proud culture...worry not you woke leftists, she will pay dearly. On the eve of her first taste testing in front of food critic Bryce (Ryan Merriman), she and her main squeeze, Josh (Brent Lydic) and five more friends go eat at another Chinese restaurant.  A good amount of disrespect is shown to the Chinese staff at the place and as a result, some evil fortune cookies are served. The diners get fortunes that will eventually tell them how they will die. Seconds later, babe Bree (Roxy Sowlaty) chokes on a lotus leaf and dies after a gory tracheotomy.  Her fortune simply said, "Lotus." Danny (Anthony Ma), a Chinese guy, an hour later has vicious sex with Bree's lesbian lover, Kelly (Kaitlyn McIvor)...and she will die from a bee that gets in between her contact lens and her eyeball...hate when that happens.

Yep...one by one, weird and gory deaths befall the friends. We are not happy when the babe Claire (Ashley Doris) gets it in a gratuitous nude bath scene with cucumbers...don't ask.  Danny's grandfather (James Hong) offers guidance to the group on how to rid themselves of the curse.  Sadly, getting all these selfish cultural appropriators on the same sheet of music is nearly impossible. Enter Detective Emma Hoskins (Meyer).  She is useless, but knows what is going on.  Swords will impale, deep fried grease will melt faces off, wrecking balls will decapitate, and sawed off shotguns will do what shotguns do. Oh, wait, sawed off shotguns don't kill people...people do...or, I should say ancient Chinese secrets kill people.  Anyone remember the Calgon commercial?

Will Dina Meyer have a similar shower scene as she did in "Starship Troopers"?  Cucumbers in a bath scene with a nude babe?  Will any of the hunks or babes have enough guts to order the #69?  "Fortune Cookie" is a gory affair with an astronomical death count.  Also, Dina Meyer is is in it.  So, order in this Friday night, eat the chow mein with chopsticks, avoid cracking open the fortune cookies, and watch "Fortune Cookie."       

Killington, Wellness, Yoga, and Murder in Vermont

Four babes from Sarah Lawrence College! Ha! For those of you that don't know, the faculty, staff, students and alumni at and of Sarah Lawrence College have been on suicide watch ever since Trump threw Hillary into the trash heap of American history. So when our four protagonists are from Sarah Lawrence College... we cheer for the slasher!  To our credit, this slasher is a babe and a half. Not very likeable, but she probably plied her time as a physical education major at a community college. Today we take a peek at 2024's "Killington," as in Killington, Vermont, directed by Mark Duszinski and Frank Perz.

Our four aforementioned sophisticate-wannabes win a free weekend with their spiritual wellness guru, the glorified Yoga instructor Kali (Sophie Sumner). These four worship Kali, or at least two do, more on that later. Bride-to-be foregoes her bachelorette weekend to go spend a few days with Kali. The plan is to meditate, do Yoga, meditate some more, spiritually cleanse, eat right, and meditate some more.  You can imagine, after a few minutes of this, anyone would crave steak, potatoes, and beer. Emily (Sarah Faye Beard), is the bride to be and thinks Kali is God.  She watches her podcast regularly. Lulu (Nikki MacCallum) is also brainwashed by this ASMR Yoga fraud. Allegra (Brianna Cala) pretends she likes Kali, only to be with her buddies.  Then, actress and TV hostess Darcy (Sam Morales) goes along out of curiosity.

Kali believes she can save the souls of these four.  After the gals bore of her vegan diet, reliance on meditating, and yapping about souls, the quartet break out the alcohol, call a male stripper, do cocaine, drink beer, and bicker about materialistic things.  Kali is so disgusted she could...well, you'll see. Oh, yeah...the creepy caretaker develops a liking to Darcy. The gals start suspecting something is very wrong when the stripper mysteriously disappears...they have no idea.  The final half hour will be incredibly gory, but just like the Hillary bid for the presidency, the weekend will be ill-fated and quite messy.

Is Kali really an insaniac, or has she legitimately reached Zen or whatever Yoga priestesses do? Are any of the materialistic babes ripe for saving or having their souls purified, or has Sarah Lawrence College corrupted every fiber of their phycological make-up?  Will the toned, blonde, and Yoga pants clad Kali enter into some nice catfights with her four guests? This is a slasher film with big knives, gutting, pummeling, catfights, and meditation...eat your heart out John Carpenter! See "Killington" and celebrate the death of liberal college educations.

Alone at Night, Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson

Yep, they are in this. Pamela Anderson as a very playful sheriff with a sense of humor and a half.  Paris Hilton in the surprise role of...a reality show hostess!  Imagine that. It is so good to see Pamela Anderson as a cop instead of those Cagney & Lacey types.  Gimme buxom blonde any day over strong and "empowered."  What else is in this film?  A sexy cam-girl.  Pre-marital sex.  Drugs.  A crowbar-killer!  Yep, he splits heads open with a mighty whack from his trusty crowbar.  Our feature today is 2022's semi-annoying "Alone at Night" (aka "18 & Over"), directed by Jimmy Giannopoulos.

Vicky (Ashley Benson) is a cam-girl who gets thrown out by her jealous BF.  She heads to the mountains to stay in an isolated cabin of her bestie, Stacy (Sky Ferreira). Stacy leaves the film now, so don't get your hopes up. Vicky does her cam-girl shtick on the site 18 & Over.  Oh, a guy is murdering peeps nearby with a crowbar.  To her annoyance, Vicky keeps meeting people. Sheriff Rogers (Anderson) keeps checking on her...she's a hoot, and quite the babe. Max (Jon Foster) is the only neighbor.  Vicky likes him and wants to have pre-marital sex with him.  A hunk handyman (John Robinson) comes to fix her electricity and Wi-Fi. Then, Stacy's cousin, the hunk Jake (Jake Weary) arrives.  She wants to have pre-marital sex with him, too.  The little minx that she is, Vicky does indeed do those guys.

You know what else these guys are?  Yep, potential crowbar killers!  Vicky is slow on the uptake on this. All the guys are available.  Max is also vulnerable as his wife took the kids and left him six months ago.  Vicky performs every night for her customers. She'll don a blue wig, wear the naughtiest of BDSM attire, take sudsy baths, and satisfy herself to lonely and demented guys.  Meanwhile, Max seems to be interested and Vicky is fine with that, though she is busy screwing the others.  Wait!  Should we mention Paris Hilton?  No...yeah, probably not.  After all, did we not get enough of her 20 years ago?  So where is this all going.  Bloody murder, deviant sex, and someone getting kicked out of the house in Paris Hilton's reality show.

Is one of Vicky's new hunks the crowbar killer?  Will Sheriff Rogers and Vicky get it on in one of her cam-girl performances?  Pamela Anderson in a sheriff's uniform, tactical belt, cowboy hat, and a pistol...is there anything else we need in our slasher film? For a standard slasher film with reality show vibes, the glamour of Paris Hilton, the jiggling of Pamela Anderson, and a slut final girl...see "Alone at Night."

Spiker, A Slasher with a Supernatural Flair

Gotta love slasher films that are a throwback to the 80's Golden Era.  This 2007 film has its inspiration from those films. Sultry cheerleaders in full costume.  Their hunk jock BFs clad in their football jerseys.  An escaped lunatic killer who was put away 10 years ago for murdering 27 peeps...etc.  However predictable this plot is, we still have some nice cheese and beef.  Set on Long Island, pretty cheerleaders and the jocks that love them will die horribly.  Our feature today is "Spiker," directed by Frank Zagarino.

Yep, 10 years ago Adam (Zagarino), known as Spiker, was put away in prison murdering dozens of peeps with a railroad spike.  Today, authorities are still finding the bodies of his victims. Some Clinton appointed judge ruled him insane and mandated he be transferred out of prison to an asylum. Yep, during the transfer he escapes. Now Spiker, an albino with pink eyes, secures some railroad spikes and heads to the house where it all started.  Okay, Lisa (Giselle Rodriguez) is a sultry cheerleader and her beau is quarterback Mike (Matt Jared).  Her and two fellow babe cheerleaders, all in full cheerleader costume, Nikki (Ginger Kroll) and Erin (Linda Johnson), plus two other hunk jocks head to a cabin in the woods.  Lisa will someday inherit the cabin and the six deem it a perfect place to have pre-marital sex, drink beer, dance, and listen to bad music.  Sure, a creepy caretaker, Clive (David 'Shark' Fralick) will warn them to depart. 

So here is what is going on. During the night Lisa finds the boudoir of her aunt.  Her aunt was a spitting image of her.  20 years ago, the aunt was Spiker's first victim, and killed in that house. Enter babe cheerleader Erin!  She wants to do a seance and talk to the aunt...and Spiker. You can imagine how well this goes.  Thinking Spiker is dead, the cheerleaders and jocks are not worried about him just showing up.  Spiker does just show up...with a nice supply of railroad spikes.  Before he begins murdering sultry cheerleaders and hunk jocks, the kids engage in pre-marital sex.  A vicious and uncomfortable backstory is revealed, and the albino killer displays his proficiency with the spikes.  But wait, the ghost!  Yep, Lisa's aunt roams this cabin clad in her wedding gown.

Why is Spiker attracted to this cabin in the woods and why was Lisa's aunt his very first victim?  Will the cheerleaders engage in a shower scene, skinny-dipping, or inappropriate affection between themselves?  Will any of the jocks do anything remotely useful to fighting off a slasher?  The casting is excellent, from a creepy slasher, nubile and sultry cheerleaders in costume, and hunk jocks.  For an old fashioned slasher effort, see "Spiker."        

The Killing Hour, An American Giallo Effort

This American film looks a lot like the Italian Giallo films.  I'm told it is one of "The Video Nasties." The opening scene is filled with female nudity and then a dead babe floating in the East River in New York City. The corpse of the former babe is handcuffed and bruised and this will be the beginning.  Vicious with some very imaginative and excruciating kills, 1982's "The Killing Hour" (aka "The Clairvoyant"), directed by Armand Mastroianni, and music by Ennio Morricone, is our feature today.

A hooker/porn-star (Olivia Negron) is found naked, handcuffed, and floating in the river. Pretty art-student Virna (Elizabeth Kemp) is a bit upset as she just happened to draw a sketch of the murder and the floating body having never laid eyes on the porn-star or the event. Yep, she has clairvoyance.  Uh oh, two more killings.  A college swimmer handcuffed below the water line at the pool and a construction worker handcuffed to a live wire.  Three handcuff murders in one day...and Virna drew them all as they happened. Now for the worst part, the detective assigned to the case, Larry (Norman Parker), is a stand-up comedian.  None of his jokes are funny, like most stand-ups.  Eventually he connects with Virna and falls in love with her.

Also falling in love with Virna, and no, she is not that attractive, is TV host Mac (Perry King).  He wants Virna on his TV show to draw her sketches.  Uh oh...another murder, in an elevator shaft.  Are they connected?  Larry really does like Virna, but Mac merely wants to exploit her.  Still, she plays both men off one another.  Even worse for her, more sketches are pumped out that suggest the victims had some connection and that she herself might be in danger.  Now the killer keeps murdering in very imaginative ways with the handcuffs.  Virna realizes she is on the run and should trust no one.

Can Virna trust Mac or Larry?  Will she eventually be able to draw the face of the killer?  Will Larry be able to make anyone laugh at his side-gig, or will he just be another Woody Allen without the glitter?  Ominous and at times erotic, this gritty horror yarn should have been dubbed to make it seem even more like Giallo.  For a terrific and vicious mystery, see "The Killing Hour."      

Maya, When Italians Culturally Appropriate Mexicans

We have an Italian one today.  We can call it Euro-trash as so many sultry Euro-babes, masquerading as Mexican babes, die horribly.  Sliced, diced, contorted, folded over, drowned, suspended with fishhooks, etc.  All because of a 1300 year old Mayan legend.  Mayan?  Think Aztec without the glitter.  Or think Inca without the marketing campaign. Set in Mexico, this 1989 Marcello Avallone film was filmed in Rome (also known as the Mexico City of the Mediterranean).  Let us take a peek at "Maya."

Dr. Slivak (William Berger) lives in a small Mexican town steeped deep with Mayan legend. I won't bore you with that particular legend, needless to say, Slivak seems to have penetrated the veil that separates life from death. Yawn.  Of course this is never good, and as a result a curse is unleashed on the town.  Slivak is now gone and his sultry daughter, Lisa (Mariella Valentini) arrives in town to figure out what happened to her dad. She'll meet up with Peter (Peter Phelps).  We like Peter. When we first meet him he scoops up a naked whore from his bed, throws her over his shoulder, gives her rear end a massive spank, and throws her in a cold shower.  There's a man!  Never since the Aztecs did a man give a woman what she wanted better than Peter. Peter knows a lot of babes in this town...and one by one they get mutilated, sliced, diced, contorted, hooked, etc.  You can take Italy out of Giallo, but you can't take misogyny out of it.

So where are we?  We meet Jahaira (Mariangelica Ayala).  She's a babe gas station attendant who seems to be with demon on occasion.  Two brute American who try to rape her will find this out the hard way.  We meet bar wench Laura (Mirella D'Angelo)...every guy who sees her grabs her posterior and forces themself on her...and she loves it.  So sad, her fate. Okay, never mind Maria (Vilma Ramia). She was Dr. Slivak's paramour...now she is suspended from the ceiling by fishhooks. Lisa and Peter kind of fall in love, but Peter has not slapped her around yet.  If this was "Aztec" instead on "Maya," he would have by now.  Peter and Lisa figure out a few things and realize Day of the Dead (the holiday, not movie) is coming up.  The town will celebrate this at the great Mayan pyramid and when they do...well, some evil ghost will return to do...well, do evil things.

Will Peter get everyone cheering and rip off Lisa's clothes and slap her buttocks silly?  Is this a thinly veiled metaphor of the Mayan feminism that doomed their entire tribe?  An Aztec, an Incan, and a Mayan walk into a bar...wait...this is getting too silly.  Never mind.  See "Maya" for some icky gore, sultry and sweaty Italian babes playing Mexicans, and bitingly accurate history.

When It Rains in LA, Slasher Arrives From Italy

Eric Roberts! Yes! Something about Eric Roberts, if he's in it, I wanna see it.  You guys know what I mean.  Four minutes and 52 seconds into this film, and half of that is in slow motion, he dies. Still, it was great seeing him. So who is left?  Pure babes and hunks, so we won't miss Eric too much. Even better all the babes and hunks left in this film just exude, "KILL ME WITH A BIG KNIFE!"  Yep, the big knife is also in this film and the babes and hunks will be gone through like crap through a goose.  I get it, you want to know if there is a particular plot holding all this together.  You're no fun.  Our feature today is 2025's "When It Rains in LA," directed by David M. Parks.

Nate (Roberts) is married to a babe, Sasha (Monroe Cline) who is 50 years younger than him. Hey, it's Eric Roberts...and that hair!  Eric dies suddenly when given divorce papers.  Heart attack? Sasha then flies to LA to stay with friends...the most awkward hunks and babes ever assembled, in fact, every conversation they have is uncomfortable and weird.  I'm not even going to mention the Mexican rain curse, though it will be a major part of the film, as it is in our own lives. Everyone is mad a Mark (Felix Merback).  Leese (Paris Simone) is in perpetual mourning and always comforted by lesbian sex with Tatia (Natasha Stricklin). Alice (Taylor Brianna) is all slut and may have feelings for Mark.  Oh, Anna (Leslie Stratton) was on the same plane to LA with Sasha and is a bit too interested in her.  Never mind the stewardess (LeeAnne Bauer) who also seemed a little too interested in Sasha, though she was a babe, too!

The pilot?  Harry (Tom Gipson)? Hunk.  He is also very interested in Sasha...and he will eventually get in bed with her. Okay, I know.  Plot? There is one, but I don't want to bore you with it.  While Leese and Tatia have passionate lesbian sex in the restroom of a nightclub, the slasher begins his work.  Poor Leese, no one should assume room temperature in such a humiliating fashion.  Good toilet seat deaths are few and far between.  The slasher continues...he kills so many babes and hunks...and finds Sasha and Harry in bed together.  Hey, this is a lot more coherent than Richard Attenborough's 1993 bore-a-thon "Shadowlands." 

Who is the slasher?  Was Eric Roberts' death from natural causes?  Marketing herself as a top influencer, should Paris Simone really allowed herself to be killed off on a toilet seat?  Sure, it worked for Elvis, but Paris Simone is no Elvis! This last question is one we should all ask ourselves.  For some great fun, a high kill count, and a lot of hunks and babes in peril, see "When It Rains in LA"  Just don't ask too many questions about the Mexican rain curse.