Thursday, February 29, 2024

Crocodile Swarm, Babes vs. Crocs

Crocodiles in England! No, not Rishi Sunak.  No, not Keir Starmer...or Boris Johnson...real reptiles.  Big ones with teeth! In England!  Enter babes!  Blondes...nubile ones.  Actually, today's feature is brutal and horrific, and not the feel good film of 2023.  Lovely actress Ella Starbuck met a gruesome demise in "Dinosaur Planet." So sad.  Will she fare any better as the main protagonist in "Crocodile Swarm," directed by Tyler James?  We hope so...she is a babe.


Babe Cara (Lauren Staerck) goes with a bunch of buddies into a closed off cave.  The spelunkers are happy as hunk Morgan (Tiernan Mullane) has picked the cave to propose to Cara.  She accepts.  Seconds later...the crocs come.  Dozens of big crocs have made this closed off cave their home.  The fate of Cara's buddies is a lot more gruesome than you would imagine.  The crocs don't just eat them...they savor the babes and the fiancĂ© and...well, you'll see. Cara is still alive. The biggest crocs are saving her for their next meal. Enter the sultry Sam (Starbuck), Cara's sister.  She is worried that Cara is overdue and finds five unfortunate buddies and heads to the cave to find her sister.

Being a babe in this film won't pay dividends.  It will provide a means to a horrible and tortuous death. Soon after entering the cave, the crocs attack.  Sam's BF Mike (Howard J. Davey) is along for the mission...he'll be useless.  Don (Nicholas Anscombe), who knows caves, will be equally as useless...men! Her babe friends?  Eek...the beautiful die so horribly.  Sam is determined to find Cara and will not leave until she does.  Yep, she'll have to go into the croc's lair to do this.  Then it gets more complicated.  The cave is a huge maze and no one knows where exactly they are.  The crocs are in each tunnel and are mean.  Now Cara and Sam, and the few who have not been regurgitated yet must avoid the toothy creatures and find their way out of the maze of caverns.

Is this film a metaphor for the disintegration of the Tory and Labour parties in the U.K.?  Will at least one babe survive the monsters in the cave?  Are all men in England as useless as the BFs of Sam and Cara?  This is a gritty and ominous crocodile tale, with no humor or diversion.  Just pure horror and carnage. See "Crocodile Swarm" and be ready to gasp and shriek.  

Tuesday, February 27, 2024

The Man in the Maze, Hiking in the Woods Carnage

Yep...on Spring Break, two hunks and two babes go hiking in the woods. What could go wrong? Right!  Cultural Appropriation!  Horrors!  An Indian plays an Indian!  Wait, or is that an Indian playing an Indian? Has this ever happened?  What a sign of disrespect for the Indian community.  Wait!  Does this make sense?  Not an important part of the film...and I really have no patience for the woke crowd when they scream "Cultural Appropriation," so let's move on. Today we look at 2011's "The Man in the Maze," directed by Mitesh Kumar Patel. 

Forgetting about the Indian playing the Indian, as Mumbai screams, we have two babes.  Like Marine Biology majors in college, Anthropology majors also seem to be babes. Christi (Stephanie Lomenick) is a babe with great big...er...well, she has a nice smile.  Okay, her smile leaves a lot to be desired...but she does have great big...wait, let's move on to Megan (Liana Werner-Gray).  Megan is a beauty pageant queen from Australia.  The blonde is very likable, and nubile. Alex (Andrew Roth), a major league hunk is going to have no trouble swapping spit with her.  Now PT (Devlin Wilder). We like him. He's crude and knows horror films. He globs onto Christi and her big...smile. Christi is disgusted by his boorish behavior. Oh, did I mention as the film begins they are in the midst of being slaughtered by a weird masked man?  I didn't?  Well, yes, they are...no context, but that'll be filled in later.

Alex saves the day and knocks out the killer.  Instead of killing him, Alex ties the masked man to a tree.  PT reminds Alex that in horror movies, they always get loose and track down the survivors.  Yep. Now the four college kids trek into the woods trying to find their way back to the car. They are lost and going in circles.  Christi tells them of local legends, yawn, but the legend does explain a lot.  He's back?  The masked man?  No...even worse.  See the movie and find out who is back. It'll be momentarily confusing but more importantly, PT is beginning to make moves on Christi that don't get him repelled. Whatever danger the quartet was in when the film began, multiply it by ten as they will again have to battle the masked man and...and...well, you'll see.

Will PT get in Christi's pants?  Will Megan and Christi get into a catfight about Cultural Appropriation?  Will any of these great looking Spring Breakers get gutted?  This is a weird one and a little bit different.  If an Indian playing and Indian does not bother you, enjoy "The Man in the Maze." At very least the actors and actresses are terrific beef and cheese.  

Sunday, February 25, 2024

The Night of the Sorcerers, Vampires in the Jungle

I never thought I'd say this...Tomanga tries to rape Tunika!  Yes...only in Mumbasa!  Mumbasa?  Think Burkina Faso without the glitter.  Today we go into the deepest, darkest jungle of Africa with an epic Euro-Trash film from Amando de Ossorio.  Euro-Babes!  Oh yes...some really nice ones, as if there are any that are not nice.  Then, Tunika played by Kali Hansa.  Kali Hansa...redheaded Euro-Babe.  We don't know much about Kali Hansa as she shares a similar history than fellow Euro-Babe, Kuelan Herce.  Sultry, mysterious, and even today, a mystery to us.  Today we look at 1974's, from Spain, "The Night of the Sorcerers."

A hundred years ago a babe, redheaded missionary (Barbara Rey) is grabbed by zombie/vampire headhunting natives in the jungle. She'll be stripped, tied spread eagle to two trees, whipped, shoved onto an altar, and beheaded by a naked babe native girl zombie. Now the missionary is a vampire. Present day, an expedition guided by the hunk Rod (Simon Andreu) arrives near that spot. His GF is the aforementioned Tunika who gets naked a lot and wears jingle lingerie. Also on the expedition is the serious hunk professor Jonathan (Jack Taylor), sultry blonde heiress Liz (Maria Kosty), and babe photographer Carol (Loreta Tovar) who dresses in white go-go boots and a tight mini-skirt...when she is dressed. They are met by the mysterious Tomunga (Jose Thelman) who lets them know they are all in danger as a deadly sacred altar is nearby.

During the first night, we are treated to a steamy scene of pre-marital sex between Rod and Tunika. They'll undress one another and roll into the stream in euphoria. While this is happening, Carol goes into the jungle to take pictures but is grabbed and bitten by the missionary-babe vampire. Carol will then be tied to a couple trees, spread eagle, stripped, whipped, and shoved on the altar, beheaded, and made into a vampire. Now the two vampire babes go get Liz.  Can you guess Liz' fate?  There will be a lot of nakedness along the way.  Tunika will show us more passion and nudity. Now Tomunga will give in to temptation and try to rape Tunika...who in Africa wouldn't?  Now Rod figures something is wrong and is convinced that the altar is cursed.  Uh oh...Carol and Liz, and the missionary babe come to collect Tunika.  Drama ensues...as well as nudity and blood.

Will Tunika survive the wrath of the babe jungle vampires?  Will hunk Rod develop a brain and figure out how to destroy the vampires and save the precocious Tunika?  Is this film a metaphor of increasing disfavor the native peoples harbor against French imperialism in the dark continent?  Erotic, trashy, and steamy...not to mention bloody, "The Night of the Sorcerers" is a perfect film to educate you about the ethos of Africa.

Friday, February 23, 2024

Amityville in Space, Gritty Reality in Our Favorite Possessed Franchise

Hey!  Jason went into space!  Leprechaun went into space!  Why not that possessed home in Amityville, New York.  I'm sure the property values are lower in space. What the Amityville Horror franchise has lacked is gritty reality.  Thanks to the Polonia Brothers, we now have it.  2022's "Amityville in Space," by Polonia Brothers Entertainment, and directed by Mark Polonia.  Plus, our favorite Catholic priest!  Not Bing Crosby, nor Max von Sydow...but Jeff Kirkendall!

Father Benna (Kirkendall) shows up at the evil and infamous house in Amityville to perform an exorcism-type thing. His goal is to send the evil demons in it back to Hell, or wherever they came from.  The exorcism-type thing meets with mixed results.  The house is sucked into space and Fr. Benna, who lost a hand during this thing, is still in it.  Now the house hovers in deep space at the mouth of a huge black hole. Enter a space vessel captained by the hunk Halstead (Titus Himmelberger). He has a good but small crew that includes space-babe Dr. Nurmi (Cassandra Hayes), Maitland (Tim Hatch) the navigator, and Jacowitz (Ryan Dalton) the weapons guy.  They arrive at the black hole with the intention of nuking it (Biden would love this mission).  They see the house and Halstead beams aboard it with Nurmi.

This does not go well.  Originally, Halstead sent a cyborg into the house but a big demon destroyed it.  In the house is Fr. Benna's severed hand ready to cause mischief, and Fr. Benna who is now in suspended animation.  They bring Benna back onto their ship and the demon also arrives on their ship.  The demon will play havoc with everyone's sanity by putting horrific hallucinations inside every crew member's head.  Now Benna wakes and tells the crew what must be done.  Back at Aquarius base, the lovely and frisky space-babe Tyse (Natalie Himmelberg) is also taken over by Amityville demons and now she works for them. The demon unleashes a big tentacled creature and another creature with a million eyes to play havoc with the crew.  Benna has an idea to rid the universe of the Amityville evil forever...but it isn't a good idea. 


After failing already on earth, will Father Benna succeed in banishing the Amityville evil forever in deep space?  Will Father Benna succeed and start Vatican 3, making the babe Tyse a priest and then marrying her?  Is this film a loose remake of that weird "Space 1999" episode in which a tentacled creature entranced space-babes and lured them in to eat them?  Who remembers that episode? For a serious take on the Amityville legend, with eye creatures, tentacles, and a malicious severed hand, see "Amityville in Space."

Wednesday, February 21, 2024

Habitual, Just Say No...or Die

Just say no!  Easy words.  Simplistic?  Perhaps.  In the 80s that weird First Lady who consulted astrologers told us this...alas, she had no credibility.  Since then, presidential administrations and our intelligence services have snuggled up to the drug cartels that poison our cities.  Fentanyl...mix it with ecstasy or cocaine...and you get death.  You also get today's film...as that is what is going on in our horror film, 2019's "Habitual," directed by Johnny Hickey. Enjoy this metaphor of the lunacy that is the American mental health industry as personified by the picture below.

The Bridgewater Triangle.  Most non Bay Staters don't know of this geographical oddity in which strange magnetic disturbances play with sanity.  Simon (Hickey) is a total lunatic kept reasonably calm by psyche meds at the Bridgewater State Hospital...a psyche hospital. He's off his meds and escapes. Okay...some great looking Massachusetts youngsters are excited about a Rave party that will be held at a closed down asylum in Salem, Massachusetts.  To prep for the Rave, they murder the only good guy in this film, Brett (Chris "CT" Tamburello). It is a sad part of the film near the very beginning.  We'll be less sympathetic at the scores of other horrible deaths that will occur.  The youngsters mix Fentanyl with another drug and Ecstasy...then go to the Rave.  What happens next will have to be pieced together. 

The babes won't be babes for long. Ashley (Ally Doody), Kim (Dottie Daigle), Naomi (Sabrina Kennedy), Ray Ray (Brittany Baldi) and a few more seem gone even before they take the drugs.  Their existences are already ruined by their lifestyles.  Even worse, them and their BFs, Thomas (Brandon Cappiello), Blake (Stanley Bruno), and Rob (Anthony Hoang) have committed the aforementioned murder and don't really seem to fret about it.  The time for the Rave arrives and our miscreants get wasted and never make it into the concert.  Instead, they are chased through the asylum by a demon called Blight...and maybe Simon, you'll see.  Blight puts them through gory torture and mutilation.  A great metaphor for the Fentanyl and other drugs.  Ripped apart, caught in beartraps, disembowelment, and more await them...or does it.

Okay, this is a vicious and graphic one. Is Simon the escaped lunatic set up to be the moral compass in a world of youths wasted on Fentanyl and ecstasy?  Are these evil Rave-kids already in Hell?  Is Blight a demon or the natural progression of their collective imaginations come to take them away? Gory, violent, shocking, see "Habitual" and witness a compelling reason to JUST SAY NO!   

Monday, February 19, 2024

Gone, Insane or Not

Over the past four years I have been called a "traitor," "The Enemy Within," a "Conspiracy Theorist," and "unpatriotic."  Vindication has arrived.  Our "leaders" and the mainstream media have been found out and now they are on the run.  Millions like me are out of our cages and laughing hysterically at the so-called powers-at-be. What does it look like when the insane are all of a sudden found out to be the sane ones?  Psyche meds and involuntary stays in an asylum be damned...the truth is out there.  Also out there is a misogynistic killer with a trail of dead women leading to him (perhaps a metaphor for the Biden Administration).  Today we look at 2012's "Gone," directed by Heiter Dhalia.

Jill (Amanda Seyfried) is a sultry waitress just out of the loony-bin.  She claims she was abducted, tied up, dropped in a hole in the woods, and escaped just before her kidnapper could murder her.  The problem is that no one believes her, not even the cops.  None of her story could be corroborated and she has a long history of psychological problems...including stints in the asylum.  Jill knows she is telling the truth.  Then, her sister Molly (Emily Wickersham) is abducted.  The problem?  No one believes Jill.  The cops and all Emily's friends, including Molly's BF (Sebastian Stan) don't believe her.  Jill tries and tries but the cops see her as a loony.  The cops...Michael Pare is the lieutenant...yes!

Jill now undertakes her own investigation.  She stops taking her psyche meds and gets a gun.  She does good work, but is there anything to uncover.  Is her former alcoholic sister on a bender?  She's only been missing less than a day. It would be a shame if Jill is imagining all this as her investigation is turning up some really dangerous characters.  Are any of them kidnappers, though?  Now the cops are after Jill.  Jill knows if the cops catch her, Molly dies.  Is Molly really missing?  Uh oh...Jill's plight is being watched by some weirdo.  He begins contacting her by cellphone.  Jill is sure it is the kidnapper coming back to finish her off after her escape.  Peril awaits Jill...but is she the one that should be captured and prosecuted?

This film won't have many fans.  The sultry Amanda Seyfried turns in a very unglamorous performance that may give many the creeps.  She does play a crazy b***h...then again, aren't all babes crazy b***hes?  Wait!  I didn't say that...damn autocorrect! Ms. Seyfried plays the desperate and maybe insane young lady very well.  For a good mystery with very sordid subject matter and themes, see "Gone."

     

Saturday, February 17, 2024

Scream of Fear, An Early Hammer Film

Ha!!!  Yeah...you're so smart.  You will have this one figured out in the first few minutes.  The twists are so easy to see coming.  Then...when they happen...you're still on top of things.  You'll see the other twists on their way.  Beware...you know nothing.  Today we look at an early Hammer film, 1961's "Scream of Fear," a Christopher Lee film directed by Seth Holt.

The lovely Penny (Susan Strasberg) returns to her dad's mansion after her trusty nurse drowns.  Penny is confined to a wheelchair after an equestrian accident 9 years ago.  With her best friend and nurse gone, her dad (Fred Johnson) asks her to come home.  The babe is met at the airport by the handsome chauffer, Robert (Ronald Lewis).  He tells her that her dad has gone away and her stepmother is going to meet her at the mansion.  Jane (Ann Todd) is the stepmom...and she claims the dad went away on business indefinitely. Uh oh...Penny begins seeing her dad's corpse.  She screams and Robert and Jane rush in only to find no corpse.  Dr. Gerard (Lee) arrives.  He lets Penny know that these emotional shocks may cause her to go completely insane in her delicate condition.

Oh!  Penny is the lone beneficiary of her dad's and inherits everything if he should die.  Jane only gets it if Penny is ruled "incapable" (insane).  The corpse keeps appearing.  Now Robert believes her and the two fall in love and look for the dead body.  Jane is up to something and Robert tells Penny more about the evil woman.  Meanwhile, Dr. Gerard appears all to eager to diagnose Penny as insane.  Alas, nothing is as it seems.  You have no idea.  Eventually, Jane and Robert will swap a lot of spit and then their amateur investigation turns up positive results.  

Ms. Strasberg is terrific as the nubile and beautiful invalid.  Mr. Lewis is quite the hunk.  Mr. Lee and Ms. Todd look very suspicious and play their roles well.  The final 15 minutes will be a rollercoaster ride and a half.  You'll figure out the twists up until then.  For a neat Hammer film that will have a shocking ending, see "Scream of Fear."