Friday, November 24, 2017

Bluebeard, The Best Colonoscopy Movie Ever

If you are over 50...get a colonoscopy. Yep, this is an effective procedure to minimize the risks of obtaining colon cancer. This procedure is painless and usually paid in full by most major insurance providers. Whether you are male or female, white collar or blue collar, Republican or Democrat, cannibal or serial killer, getting a colonoscopy might save your life. Hence today's feature, from South Korea...2017's "Bluebeard."
Dr. Byun and his nurse Mi-yeon
Dr. Byun (Jin-woong Jo) performs colonoscopies at a country clinic. He has a sultry nurse, Mi-yeon (Chung-ah Lee) and she is pretty hot for him. He's a dork and has no clue. The patients, under anesthesia, sometimes utter very private words. Dr. Byun is used to this, but when an old butcher, who is also his landlord, is under, the guy starts describing how to cut up a human body and mar it so the cops can never identify it. He also describes where to stash the body parts. A week or two later, Dr. Byun hears newscasts that explain the cops have found body parts and a headless torso in a place described by the butcher. Now Dr. Byun turns amateur detective, but not a very good one.
Dr. Byun tussles with the butcher
The butcher and his family are onto him and Dr. Byun is scared. The butcher and his son both have ex-wives who have gone missing. Uh oh, Soo jung (Yoon Se-Ah), the beautiful ex-wife of Dr. Byun, goes missing shortly after she visits the dorky doctor's apartment.  As the film progresses, the missing women all seem to be women in Dr. Byun's life, including his sultry nurse.  Twists abound, and we begin to entertain the theory that maybe the butcher family is innocent and Dr. Byun may be the serial killer.
Will Mi-yeon survive or be dissected?
Decapitated heads, headless torsos, and human innards will all be thrown at you. This mystery/horror tale gets more complicated as each chick goes missing. Are the butchers the killers, or is it Dr. Byun? What of the sultry nurse, she dead, or is there something more to her character? As the cops close in, will they take the butchers or Dr. Byun (...or a third option) away in handcuffs? Directed by Soo-youn Lee, "Bluebeard" is the best colonoscopy film of 2017. Enjoy, and go get a colonoscopy, it could save your life.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Robot Holocaust, Hunks and Babes in the Apocalyptic Wasteland

Ah the apocalyptic wastelands portrayed by 1980s cinema. True, radiation scarred mutants and toothy worm creatures abound, but so do scantily clad hunks and vixens. The hysteria of the anti-nuclear groups preaching that President Reagan would destroy the world with nukes inspired some nifty films. The nuclear holocaust didn't occur, and those groups went away as donations dried up, but those aforementioned films are still with us. Alas, we look at 1986's "Robot Holocaust."
Society is gone, ruined by the robot rebellion of 2033. The fiends released radiation that polluted the atmosphere killing all humans. The robots kept some alive as they needed slaves to supply the power station. Kept alive by bursts of air, supplied by the power station, some mutant humans were born, able to breathe in even the most poisoned atmosphere. Hence Neo (Norris Culf), who comes to town seeking to overthrow the Dark One. The Dark One? The evil force that rules the power station and robots. He meets Deeja (Nadine Hart), a rebel who, with her dad, has developed a device which will enable all to breathe.
As Neo and the very sultry Deeja head to the power station, they must navigate through a dangerous wasteland. First they will meet a tribe of psycho babes. Here they will enlist the voluptuous and scantily clad Nyla (Jennifer Delora). Now our small band of rebels heads to the power station. Onto their every move, The Dark One's femme fatale Valaria (Angelika Jager) intends to ambush them. Valaria enjoys satisfying herself in the Dark One's pleasure machine and looks really good in her sleek, black outfits. Battling mutant and hungry worms and other assorted creatures (including a yucky spider-thing), our rebels reach the gate of the power station where Valaria and the Dark One have some bloody surprises waiting.
Will Valaria have a cat-fight with the shapely Deeja? Does hunk Neo have what it takes to overthrow the Dark One, or is he all brawn and no brains?  How do Valeria, Deeja, and Nyla exist in an apocalyptic wasteland with perfectly applied make-up and frizzy 'Charley's Angels" type hair-dos? The B movie acting is classic and a lot of mutant creatures keep "Robot Holocaust" entertaining. Directed by Tim Kincaid, this film has the feel of Italian exploitation, even though it was made in New York City.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Pig Hunt, Oink Oink...Chomp Chomp

When you wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty...but the pig likes it. Thus is the sad plight of a bunch of wild boar hunters in today's film, 2008's "Pig Hunt." Actually, these hunters won't just get dirty. They'll also be gutted, decapitated, hunted, and eaten. The antagonist? A 3200 pound boar called "The Ripper." This very ominous and dark film probably has a lot of messages about the futility of war and man's inhumanity to man, but we'll appropriately ignore them.
Feuding hunters
As the film begins a hunter is gutted and eaten by a 3200 pound boar. Next two beautiful, semi-nude hippie babes have their horse eaten by the same boar. Related events? Oh yes. John (Travis Aaron Wade), an anti-war sort is going boar hunting with his very pro-war pals. John's girlfriend, Brooks (Tina Huang) will tag along to the dismay of John's pals. In John's defense, she is really pretty, looks great in intimate undergarments and has a sensual bias for pre-marital sex. This hunting party has competition. A weird hippie commune featuring a machete wielding priest-guy and nude babes looms in the woods. Also, a psycho redneck family with a hatred for John also hunts pigs.
Nubile hippie babes caress a hunter
Early in the hunt it is apparent that man appears to be man's worst enemy. Then the boar strikes. It is big and has a family. Meanwhile, Brooks gives us some nice underwear and babe holding rifle shots. Uh oh, because of some bloody events, the rednecks begin hunting John's group. Double uh oh, the weird commune, featuring lots of naked babes who bathe each other a lot may have a weird connection to the tusked monster. As hunters are gutted, eaten, and shot, John and Brooks will come face to face with, not only the boar, but the evil that feeds its wrath.
Brooks comes face-to-face with monster
Will the sultry Brooks come face to face with the monster? Will John's anti-war views give way to violence now that he is at war with rednecks, a hippie commune, and a 3200 pound boar? Does Brooks have a useful talent for the occasion, other than looking really good in intimate undies and a proclivity toward pre-marital sex? Directed by James Isaac, "Pig Hunt" is an ominous and very gory man versus nature film. Ignore the messages and enjoy the monster, gore, and eye-candy this film provides.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Dracula vs. Frankenstein, Vampire Wimp

Bela Lugosi versus Boris Karloff? Not quite. In fact, our Count Dracula today looks more like Arnold Horseshack from "Welcome Back Kotter." How about the Frankenstein monster? He looks like Hal Holbrook sucking a lemon. Don't fret, we have a good one today, 1971's "Dracula vs. Frankenstein." This Al Adamson classic has a couple things going for it. First, whenever the plot begins to drag, a decapitation jumps at you out of nowhere. Second, the very buxom, nubile, and trashy damsel in distress Judith Fontaine (Regina Carrol). As heads fly though the air and so does Judith's cleavage, our film today will satisfy all you B movie fans.
The buxom, nubile and trashy Judith, Vegas entertainer
The plot? Not important, and hard to grasp, but here is my humble interpretation. The lovely Joan (Maria Lease) is decapitated on the beach underneath a carnival's Emporium of Creatures house. The buxom, nubile, and trashy Vegas entertainer, Judith Fontaine heads to the California beach to look for her missing sister, Joan. Uh oh, the creature house is run by Dr. Frankenstein (J. Carrol Nash) who sends his henchman, Groton (Lon Chaney, Jr.) out to decapitate hippies and steal their nubile babes. Dr. Frankenstein seeks to create an army of monsters which he surgically creates out of dead people. Uh oh, Dracula (Zandor Vorkov) pays him a visit.
Dracula selects his bride
Dracula has found the original Frankenstein monster (Shelly Weiss) and teams up with the mad doctor. Now Groton and the creature both set out to capture nubile hippie babes and kill their boyfriends. Judith starts snooping and joins forces with a hippie know-it-all named Mike (Anthony Eisley). He is an arrogant sort but Judith and her cleavage still has pre-marital sex with him in the surf. The two figure things out and head over to Dr. F's creature emporium where more decapitations will occur and a maniac midget will get an ax in the face. Dracula gets a view of Judith's cleavage and of course wants her for his bride and he charges the Frankenstein creature to abduct her.
Judith in a predicament
Will Judith ever make it back to Vegas with her cleavage intact?  Wouldn't Frankenstein's army of the undead be more potent if it was made up of vigorous, virile, and potent young men instead of nubile hippie babes? Will Dracula team up with the rest of the sweathogs and continue to misbehave? This is a fun one, and if you like lots of cheesecake and B movie zaniness, have a look at "Dracula vs. Frankenstein."

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep, When Calamari Attacks

The lovely Kristi Angus is one of my favorite actresses. As far as horror in the 21st century goes, she has endured two of the most excruciating demises. In 2001's  Jason X she had her face frozen and knocked off. Five years later, playing a marine biologist intern. she is grabbed off a boat and feasted on by a giant squid. Wow! That's how I want to go. Today we take a peek at a film I first saw on the Syfy channel, 2006's "Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep."
Nicole and Jenny
25 years ago Ray (Charlie O'Connell) watched his mom and dad pulled off their sailboat and get digested by a kraken. Present day, the very stunning Nicole (Victoria Pratt), a marine anthropologist, and her two nymphomaniac interns Jenny (Angus) and Michael (Cory Monteith) are searching for an ancient Greek mask. During the search, their skipper is eaten by the beast. A grown up Ray hears of this and arrives, determined to find the killer of his parents. Nicole and Ray display a nice sexual chemistry and immediately make goo-goo eyes at each other.  The quartet finds the mask, but this isn't necessarily a cause to celebrate.  Maxwell (Jack Scalia), an evil mafia type henchman, wants the precious heirloom, and will not stop at homicide to get it.
The kraken feasts
As Nicole and Ray make even more intense goo-goo eyes at each other, Maxwell's efforts to steal the mask get more violent.  Meanwhile the beast squid continues eating people. Uh oh, Nicole comes up with a crazy theory (typical for marine anthropologists). She believes the monster is guarding the ancient Greek treasure from human divers.  As Maxwell and his henchmen make a move for Nicole, not everyone will survive. In addition to homicidal gangsters, the kraken also converges on Nicole's treasure hunting efforts, which will spell doom for the perky and nubile Jenny (so sad!). As the squid gets fatter and Nicole's team decreases in size, can Ray help her kill the squid and recover the spoils of the Trojans from the inky depths of the ocean?
Ray vs. Kraken
Ray, Nicole, and Jenny are incredibly attractive characters and fans will appreciate the eye-candy. The acting is also good and the interplay between Ray and Nicole, and then Jenny and Michael is fantastic and witty. Oh yes, the squid. The tentacled menace is terrifying and it's kills are bloody. I have never seen Victoria Pratt turn in a less than stellar performance (see my review of Mongolian Death Worm ). For some beastly horror, hot heroines, and a witty hero enjoy "Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep."

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter, The Old West Meets Old Europe

Matt Dillon, Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday, and Maria Frankenstein! Yep...when cultures collide the consequences of 'Bring Your Daughter to Work Day' bubble to the surface. In this case, a restless and over ambitious daughter of a mad scientist plies her trade in America's Old West. Many of you figured the rough and tough west was immune from mad scientists. Think again. Today we examine 1966's "Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter." mean Maria Frankenstein
The little town near the Mexican border is almost a ghost town. The residents, one by one, have been summoned to Frankenstein's castle, and have never returned. Juanita (Estelita Rodriguez), the very beautiful Mexican babe, is horrified...her brother is the latest casualty. The castle? Having to flee Europe, Maria (Narda Onyx) and her brother Rudolph (Steven Geray) seek to plant an artificial brain in a healthy body. On the run from a botched hold-up, Jesse James (John Lupton) and Hank Tracy (Cal Bolder) arrive. Hank is mortally wounded and Juanita takes them in. Our Mexican dish falls in love with both of them and in a desperate play to save Hank's life, she brings them to the castle.
Hank attacks Jesse
This will be a most unfortunate move for Hank as the Frankenstein spawn will remove his brain and replace it with an artificial one, completely subservient to Maria's commands.  Maria also falls in love with Jesse and when he rebukes her advances she plots his demise. Juanita, realizing that Hank's brain has been replaced seeks to help Jesse, but Maria, sensing she is his love interest, also plots her demise. With Hank a slave to Maria's command, and a U.S. Marshal (Jim Davis) hot on Jesse's trail, this could be the end for the legendary outlaw.
Juanita to the rescue
Is a rugged Old West gunfighter any match for the original mad scientist's kin? Is Maria Frankenstein merely the medical version of the rugged individualist cowboy?  Will the nubile Juanita fall in love with the new Hank, thereby sucking face with Maria by proxy? Huh? For some Western fun with the Frankenstein legend mixed in, have fun with "Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter."

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Beyond the Door 3, Terror Train From Yugoslavia

1989's "Beyond the Door 3" has nothing to do with the first two "Beyond the Door" films. It does have a lot of resemblance to the 1985 Eric Roberts film, "Runaway Train." In fact, if "Runaway Train" was a horror film, it would be "Beyond the Door 3" (aka "Amok Train"). Add some nubile college kids, ill-equipped hunks, a mess of satanists, and some Lucio Fulci gore (though Fulci had nothing to do with this movie), and we have some terrific Euro-trash horror.
The nubile Bev and a satanic witch
As her mom is decapitated in a taxi, the very nubile virgin, Beverly (Mary Kohnert) and her classmates head to Serbia to witness a Passion play. Uh oh...Bev is the only virgin among the coeds and the Passion play will pay homage to Satan. The class was lured to the wilds of Serbia by Professor Andromolek (Bo Svenson), who is one of Satan's priests. The great looking class arrives and immediately the satanists begin picking them off, one by one.  After one is killed in a fire, they all flee...most will hop aboard a rickety train. Uh oh, Melanie (Renee Rancourt) and her beau will miss the train and have to survive in Serbia's swamp.
Lovely coed will soon rip off her own face
Now the fun begins as Satan's powers extends to the rails. Bev seems possessed and her friends get shredded one by one. One guy will be cut in half and his intestines will spill out on the tracks. Another babe will have worms crawl out of her face as she rips it off. Meanwhile, the crew is killed by Satan (more decapitations), and now we have a runaway train. As Satan appears to be luring Bev, the selected virgin, back to the forest, a mysterious flute player (don't ask) may emerge as Bev's salvation. Oh yeah, Melanie and her boyfriend? Their trudging through the swamp with satanists pursuing...and you won't believe the demise in store for them.
Where's the rest of me?
Can virgin Bev defeat her satanic pursuers? Was this film inspired by AMTRAK's Northeast Regional? Filmed in Yugoslavia, did "Beyond the Door 3" assist in the destruction of that European nation? Gore aplenty and lots of great looking college kids dying horribly highlight this tale of Satan seeking a virgin bride.  Perhaps a story ripped out of today's headlines, "Beyond the Door 3" (directed by Jeff Kwitny) is a must see for gore-hounds.