Thursday, March 30, 2023

Star Pilot, UFO in Italy

Leonora Ruffo will forever be known as one of the sultriest space-babes ever put on film.  Her cleavage enhancing space-babe suit was obviously meant to seduce every man on Earth and leave Earth girls wanting.  Fortunately, our film today introduces Leontine Snell...a perky actress who can give any cleavage thrusting space-babe a run for their money.  The two babes will eventually don fishnet jumpsuits and also kinky feather outfits...but in galaxy conquest, the stakes are too high for pantsuits.  Today we look at a 1966 Italian film, "Star Pilot," directed by Pietro Francisci.

Initially we meet the boring geologist Professor Solmi (Roland Lesaffre).  He has been called in to evaluate an alien metal found in Sardinia.  Fortunately he brings his babe daughter, Luisa (Snell). She's all flirt and has no interest in anything but men and fast cars.  They go to the site and eventually find a UFO buried under the ground.  Uh oh...the ship crashed there two years ago and the alien crew needs to repair it to get back home.  The craft is captained by Kaena (Ruffo), who wears the most flattering costumes...leather, mesh, fishnets, and feathers help make up her wardrobe.  Now the Professor, Luisa, and their engineers are abducted onto the ship and ordered to fix it.  They do...and Luisa succeeds in arousing the formerly non-arousable alien men.

Also kidnapped are two Chinese spies.  They misbehave and succeed in throwing the ship off course.  Now Kaena and her spaceship are lost in space.  Luisa continues to seduce and will swap spit with the aliens.  Kaena manages to land on a planet with an atmosphere, but the new found kissing activity and the new costume on Kaena's costume...arouse gorilla-people.  They attack and Kaena fights them off.  Now back into space where a horrific discovery sheds doubt on their ability to ever get back to their home planets.  More kissing and groping will will a nice space-walk...and Kaena will indeed find her pheromone stash.

Will Luisa and Kaena ever exchange seduction techniques...or will they engage in a space-catfight?  What horrific discovery did they make in deep space?  Does Kaena's home planet, or Italy, have rules and regulations about inter species love?  This is a fun one.  The space-babe factor is high and the dubbed Italian classic will provide more fun than any "Star Wars" bore.  See "Star Pilot" today.

Tuesday, March 28, 2023

Ouija Nazi, Nazi Hatchet Man Guts Sorority Babes

Sorority babes gutted by a ghost Nazi with a machete?!  Oh, yes!  Is there any more of a perfect plot than this?  Pure poetry!  The sorority babes...often skimpy clad costumes...spanking each other and getting into catfights...slaughtered by a National Socialist fiend.  Why, oh why are we all smiling!?  As National Socialism has arisen again in The Ukraine and their Azov Battalion...American sorority sisters will fall victim to a more domestic threat.  Today we look at 2014's "Ouija Dawn" (aka "Nazi Dawn") directed by Dennis Devine.

There is a lot here...we'll not have time to touch on much of it. The sultry Dawn (Kristen Casner), who eventually will be clad in a black Nazi dominatrix outfit, is a sorority pledge.  Sorority president, the sultry Eve (Lora McHugh), leads Dawn around on a leash...literally. Eve orders Dawn to bark, beg, and sit.  She even spanks Eve. Okay...also of note is the weird but sultry witch sorority babe Agness (Veronica Ricci), sultry sorority lesbians Fiona (Jennifer Van Heeckeren) and Alex (Laura Azevedo), and redheaded Alyson (Kelly Erin Decker), and Dee (Ashley Rose).  They'll don bikinis and then tight evening wear. Then a hidden chest is uncovered and opened.  This releases the evil Nazi spirit of hatchet SS guy Van Holly, Dawn's great grand father.

Now the spirit of Van Holly possesses poor souls and begins gutting, beheading, and sacrificing sultry sorority babes.  Eve continues to spank Dawn, and catfights occur between the sultry sisters.  There will be gratuitous shower scenes... gratuitous implant scenes...gratuitous gore...and a lot of bondage and BDSM misdeeds.  It is a sorority, after all.  Uh oh for Eve...the sultry Dawn will change her tune about joining the sorority and stop acting as a scared poodle. 

Can any person or group be so sordid as to make us cheer for the SS machete henchman of the Third Reich? Is bondage, BDSM, and a dominatrix in Nazi garb too tasteless for American audiences? Yeah...right...remember, the American public flock to DC and Marvel garbage...this movie is at least a step up intellectually. Will Dawn turn the tables on Eve, and if so, will Eve keep her pretty little head? repulsed that this film was even made...then when no one is around...tune into "Ouija Dawn."   

Sunday, March 26, 2023

The House Behind the Wall, Babes and Hunks Haunted in Virginia

There is beauty in the swamp if you look in the right places. This 2014 ghost/horror film will find little love from critics.  It is fair to point out that the entire "Star Wars" franchise is based on some ethereal force that can do anything you want at any time. Critics seem to love that idiocy. Me? Give me a classic ghost story any day of the week! Today we look at a film shot entirely in Hampton Roads, Virginia..."The House Behind the Wall," directed by Robert Stephens.

This film can boast of a great looking cast and this is not debatable. Five college friends move into an old and large house for their senior year.  Jess (Elyse Dufour), a sultry redhead has had an awful year and funds are short.  Liz (Spike Leffke) is a blonde babe who takes mercy on Jess and fronts her the rent. Liz's hunk BF is Trip (John Lesser).  Rounding out the quintet is the bitchy Catherine (Erin O'Sullivan) and her BF Will (Josh Plasse).  There will be a lot of pre-marital sex.  Gratuitous bikini scenes.  "Will you rub suntan lotion all over my back" type scenes.  There will also be a lot of cheating.  Jess and Will will even get together.  Oh yeah...the haunting.  Footsteps...doors opening on their own...mysterious noises in the bottles shattering...and a ghost.

The ghost of a weird gal shows herself to Jess.  No one believes her...would you?  Well, Jess is a babe...I suppose if you wanted to get in her pants you might say you believed her. Back to the film...Jess does some research and finds out who the ghost is.  Worse...she also finds out her and her four friends may be in mortal peril. Possession enters into the plot.  More bikini scenes...more pre-marital sex scenes.  Then... carnage!  Bloody carnage!  Then more bikini scenes. Good for Robert Stephens to show us some nice bikini wear as the summer approaches.

Just what is Jess' connection to the malevolent spirit that haunts this house?  Will each of the members of this quintet die horribly as each of them has engaged in pre-marital sex?  Would these young people have had to worry about ghosts and cheating friends if they were engineering majors living in a graduate dorm with classmates that don't speak English well?  For some nice cheese and beef and an eventually bloody plot...see "The House Behind the Wall."

Friday, March 24, 2023

Damon's Revenge, More Indian Carnage and Hunks and Babes Dying Horribly

Yep!  We have all screamed for it.  The movie makers listened! Lo' and behold...we finally have a sequel, after less than a year, to "Burial Ground Massacre." And yes!  We have that, too.  The lovely Chelsea Vale will have another gratuitous and nude shower scene.  Now here is the even better news.  She will be joined in the shower with the lovely and nude Hannah Dannelly!  Is this crucial to the plot?  Well...more crucial than the big hairy chewy thing is to the plots of the "Star Wars" don't judge!  Today we look at 2022's Damon's Revenge," directed by David Gere. 

This one picks up immediately after "Burial Ground Massacre" ends. Adrianna (Vale) is set on revenge against the corrupt Indian chief (Christopher C. Romero). She ticks him off and the Chief now sets out to murder Adrianna.  Uh oh...the same chief betrayed Damon...and Damon (Michael Madsen) is bent on murdering the chief.  Then there is Sheriff Walsh (Tom Sizemore...yes, the TOM SIZEMORE). He's investigating the homicides of all the babes and hunks at the old burial ground. Enough on him. Enter Tina (Dannelly).  She is all babe...and all for exploring deviant sexuality.  Eventually she will end up in a shower with Adrianna...but let's move on.  Tina's family owns a lake house near the old burial ground, and Adrianna accepts an invite to spend the weekend there.

Party time. Tina's babe and hunk friends also show up...they will all die horribly...enough about them. Tina has a jacuzzi and there will be shirtless hunks and bikini clad babes frequenting it...and dying in it. The Chief and his henchmen are headed that is Damon...and so is town psycho, Johnny (Tom DeNucci). Johnny? Never mind him...did I mention the shower scene with Adrianna and Tina? Two young women exploring their sexuality...while madmen, ghosts, and irate Indians converge.  Now, there's a fetish for you!  More of the plot?  Oh, please!  The beautiful will die horribly!  The handsome will die horribly? The socially aggrieved peoples will die horribly?  But what will be the fates of Tina and Adrianna?

Will a third being be introduced into the aforementioned shower scene?  Will Damon get to the Chief before the Chief gets to Adrianna?  Will Tina's sexual exploration be a plot device in the third "Burial Ground Massacre" story?  Gratuitous and violent...probably not the feel good film for the native peoples of our land, "Damon's Revenge" is a must see for those who love cheesy horror films.  

Wednesday, March 22, 2023

Burial Ground Massacre, Babes and Hunks Felled by Tomahawk

I know...this one will be hard to defend.  Today's feature will be savaged and scalped by the dweeb class who actually watch the films highlighted at the Oscars.  Still...if you want naked nubile babes in much peril, a tomahawk killer, hunks doing stupid things...and the supernatural...well, you may want to take a look at 2021's "Burial Ground Massacre," directed by Daniel Dahlstrom and David Gere. However proud our native peoples were, or are, they are not above gratuitous nudity, especially in shower and bath scenes.  So postpone your trip to the casino and enjoy this film.

Adrianna (Chelsea Vale), a major league babe and a half...will spend the weekend with college friends at her friend Chase's (Blaise Serra) estate.  The estate owned by Chase's family is built on an Indian burial ground. We also meet Damon (Michael Madsen), a psycho Indian with a tomahawk. He has just murdered some poor but deserving schmuck and two naked teens in the throes of pre-marital sex.  He also has naked babes chained in bondage in his dungeon, but we shouldn't be judgmental.  Damon heads to the estate to recover a stolen Indian artifact.  Also at the estate are two babes who have "WILL DIE HORRIBLY IN THIS MOVIE" stenciled on their foreheads...Kayla (Brittany Toczko) and Becky (Kara Curnane Joseph).  Oh yes, Adrianna's hunk ex-BF is also there, football player Eddie (Travis Gordon)...he's very buff and shirtless a lot.

Chase is a dweeb and a magician.  He'll get to see Becky naked in the bathtub but Eddie will get to see Adrianna naked and wet in the shower.  Is this fair?  Is it fair what the white man did to the Indians!? I'm not sure the answers to these questions...or if they're even related.  Damon shows up with his tomahawk and begins murdering the teens on the way to recover the ring-artifact...which mysteriously appears on Adrianna's finger.  Uh oh...seems the red man isn't any purer than the white man.  Damon is betrayed by his Chief.  Nakedness, baths, showers, babes in bondage, and tomahawk carnage ensue.  Get it? No? Hey, the cheese and beef factor will take care of any confusion.  Did I mention the gratuitous shower and bath scenes?

Will Damon recover the ring stolen from his people many moons ago?  Just who are these naked and sweaty babes chained in Damon's dungeon? Who among us does not have naked and sweaty babes in our own dungeons?  Will Adrianna survive Damon or do his people have special plans for her?  Gratuitous and cheesy...just the way we like our movies... "Burial Ground Massacre" is a neat slasher film that will not stoke your appetite for social justice.           

Monday, March 20, 2023

Freeze, Arctic Horror

Before space exploration was a thing, polar exploration captured all our imaginations.  The two poles may have well have been distant planets.  From 1890-1910, us humans were done wondering...serious efforts got us to the poles.  Cold and lifeless...perfect settings for horror stories.  H.P. Lovecraft even penned a frightening Antarctic story.  Today we have a H.P. Lovecraft type of story in the 2022 film "Freeze," directed and written by Charlie Steeds.

A rescue mission heads north.  Captain Streiner (Tim Cartwright) and his crew went up north to find the Pole...but never returned.  Captain Mortimer (Ricardo Freitas) sails up there to rescue his old friend.  Uh oh...Mortimer's ship gets stuck in the ice.  We meet the crew. Of note is Barnabas (Johnny Vivash), the only one who is familiar with Arctic exploration.  Also of note is Redgrave (Jake Watkins).  Redgrave is chronicling the mission in drawings.  He's also hiding a babe stowaway, Carmen (Beatrice Barrila)...a babe.  Soon after the ship is trapped in the ice, the creatures attack.  They are a cross between gargoyles and the gill man from "Creature From the Black Lagoon."  They are mean and hungry and begin chomping on the crew.  An "Abandon Ship" order is given and only a few survivors make it onto the ice.

But wait!  Mortimer knows a lot he is not telling.  He has an ancient book (think Necronomicon) which Streiner left behind.  The book, filled with maps and drawings of the monsters, leads the survivors to a cave.  Uh oh, again. The cave is filled with these fiends, which are called Ichthyoids!  What a great name for monsters.  The monsters feed on the survivors.  The babe Carmen mans up and gets a really big gun.  Wouldn't you know...Streiner is now master of the Ichthyoids.  Guess what.  Streiner wants Mortimer's ship to bring the fiends to Europe and to take over the world.  Gore and madness follow.  Now Mortimer gets the sense that all must die so the creatures never make it to civilization.  Carmen continues to use her big gun.  War and more gore ensue.

Have the Ichthyoids ever seen a European babe?  Does Streiner have plans for Carmen's arrival given that his creatures may be a little frisky?  Will Mortimer succeed in preventing Streiner and his monster army from reaching Europe?  A very cold film with more than a tip of the hat to H.P. Lovecraft.  For some neat Arctic terror...see "Freeze."      

Saturday, March 18, 2023

Highwaymen, Demolition Derby Horror and Rhona Mitra

At the risk of being yelled at, I need to say that Rhona Mitra may be done.  With her portrayal of Sonja in the third "Underworld" film, as Rachel in "Skinwalkers," and as Eden in "Doomsday," her movie career was flourishing in the first several years of the 21st century. I do eagerly await for her to make another film we all want to see...TV fare is, as far as I'm concerned...minor league.  Ms. Mitra is one of my favorite actresses, and like Kate Beckinsale, the last ten years of this 21st century has progressed without them.  Today we look at a fine Rhona Mitra horror thriller, 2004's "Highwaymen," directed by Robert Harmon.

Five years ago, Cray (James Caviezel) witnesses a madman named Fargo (Colm Feore) mow his wife down with his car.  Hit and run.  Five years later, Cray is looking for this psycho who now drives a Cadillac El Dorado.  Fargo mows down beautiful women he finds on the road and takes a souvenir  from their corpse.  Wanting revenge for the murder of his wife, Cray has chased him cross country and is bent on killing him.  Listening to police radios and CBs, Cray does a pretty good job at tracking this creep. Fargo?  Fargo has several prosthetics including one of his arms and both legs.  This guy has fitted his body into his El Dorado which acts as his body.  One night he mows down Alex' (Andrea Roth) in a tunnel.  Molly (Mitra) is a passenger in Alex' vehicle and survives.  Molly's big problem is that Fargo does not like to leave witnesses.

Cray shows up with his 1968 Plymouth Barracuda and lets Molly know the murderer in the El Dorado will come back for her.  He does. Now Molly and Cray join forces.  We are let in on Cray's backstory and the real reason why the two are bound together in this duel of death.  However disabled Fargo is, his El Dorado and him abduct Molly and use her as bait to lure Cray.  Fargo intends to murder Cray and then Molly.  You'll see what happens.  The murders on the roads are graphic, well shot, and fiery.  After Molly's friends are murdered, she is almost forced to join Cray in his obsession with killing Fargo.

Does Cray have any prayer of finally ending Fargo's reign of terror? Will Cray become a little less obsessed with Fargo and find time to have pre-marital sex with Molly?  Would 2023 Hollywood screw up a remake because of their whack-ball environmentalism by insisting the two cars be a Prius and a Chevy Volt?   Rhona Mitra is sultry as a damsel in much distress.  Both James Caviezel and Colm Feore are terrific as two gritty homicidal motorists.  For a great highway cat and mouse horror flick, see "Highwaymen."