Death Cruise, Not the Love Boat

Nope, not "The Love Boat," but this Aaron Spelling production had a cast that could have been on that show. This made for TV film is so pleasing here in 2026 as it stars Kate Jackson! Yep, between "The Rookies" and "Charlie's Angels" the babe did this film in which she provided glamour and a sense of vulnerableness...even though she is heavily armed with a big rifle throughout the movie. One of "Charlie's Angels," in a slinky evening gown and armed with a big gun? Yep! That is so right! Let us look 1974's "Death Cruise."

It opens like a Love Boat episode as we meet the characters pertinent to the story. Jerry and his wife Sylvia (Richard Long and Polly Bergen) are spouses. She is controlling and he is a two-timing cad. James and Mary Frances (Edward Albert and Jackson) are a terrific looking young couple...seemingly happily married. When the murders start, we will see something different. Then Mr. C. himself, David (Tom Bosley) is married to Elizabeth (Celeste Holm). Elizabeth has grown distant from David through the years. They all sit at Table 24 for dinner with the ship's doctor, Burke (Michael Constantine). They get along fine, kind of. Sylvia makes cracks about Jerry's infidelity and she is in a gown that you won't believe the cleavage factor in it. One wonders how Kate Jackson felt, as she is clad in a sultry red evening gown and being shown up by a much older actress. Just saying! Back to the story at hand.

Uh oh...the murders begin. One by one the six guests bite the dust. Why? Who? Clues? Burke, begins snooping. Ah...the six have a connection. Atlanta 1970! They were all there. Uh oh, they all are on the cruise after winning a contest none of them remembers entering. Burke is smart even though he is not a detective. Dammit, Jim...I'm a doctor! He just about tells the captain this. As far as we are concerned, we want Mary Frances to survive and go on to do "Charlie's Angels." Besides the shots of her with her evening attire at night, and a big skeet rifle during the day really seduce us. A 2026 audience will see the twists coming a mile away, but a 1974 TV audience will be shocked at what unfolds.

Will our dear Kate Jackson survive the killer?  Is she the killer?  Will Burke catch the killer before he kills off all the TV stars?  Did Kate Jackson rip Aaron Spelling a new one when Polly Bergen's cleavage gown outshone her own red slinky one? This is a fun one and made a few years before "The Love Boat" and filmed aboard the Queen Mary.  See "Death Cruise," as in 2026 it is so much fun. 

Unknown Island, King King Lite!

An uncharted island in the South Pacific! Filled with monsters! Dinosaurs! A huge ape! Okay, not an ape...but a giant...sloth! Let's just go with that...it does have fangs. No Fay  Wray in this one but the rose among the thorns in this "King Kong" rip-off is the sultry Virginia Grey. She well be beset by all sorts of huge lizard type creatures, T-Rex beasts, and of course the sloth. Really, the sloth really is terrifying. Hunks abound to save her including the fellow from "Creature from the Black Lagoon," Richard Denning. Yep, this one is in color, quite a feat for 1948.  Let us look at the dinosaur film "Unknown Island," directed by Jack Bernhard.

At a dive bar in Singapore, Carole (Grey) and her fiancé Ted (Phillip Reed) enter to find a captain to bring them to an uncharted island in the Pacific. During the war Ted, blown off course, saw a small island teeming with dinosaurs. He wants to go there, photograph them, and bring some back. A fortune awaits if he is successful. The sultry Carole is financing the expedition and Captain Tarnowski (Barton MacLane) agrees. Oh, Tarnowski insists that the seemingly insane drunk, Fairbanks (Denning) join them. See, Fairbanks has been on the island but no one believed his stories of big dinosaurs who ate all his mates. Now the happy party set sail, deal with mutineers, but finally get to the uncharted island.

They see dinosaurs right away from the ship and take a launch to it. Fairbanks goes only because he is sweet on Carole. Ted gets obsessed with his pictures and discoveries and does not see his fiancé is being stolen from him. The T-Rex things attack and eat some of the crew members. So do other dinosaurs. Then, through the jungle brush, a hairy beast emerges...the fanged sloth. In peril, Ted, Tarnowski, and Fairbanks agree they need to flee the island...but this won't be easy. Their launch is stolen by scared and soon to be dead crewmen, and their supplies are ruined.  Now, Carole wanders away from the men and finds herself in more mortal peril.

Rubber suits and puppets make up our monsters in this one. This thrilled a 1948 audience and will thrill a 2026 audience, too...but for more nostalgic reasons. Exciting and with a lot of dinosaur action, this rip-off of "King King" is much better than any of the "King King" remakes. Also, however sultry Fay Wray is, Virginia Grey is just as much of a babe. For some roaring good fun, see "Unknown Island." 

House of the Damned, Haunted House Surprises

Haunted mansion, actually. The setting for this one is an isolated old mansion deep in the California mountains. The original owner? In a mental asylum for blowing off a guy's head. Last resident? Unknown. Yep, we have the makings for a nice Gothic type horror film, filled with ghosts, screams, and...well, you'll see. Oh, guess who is in it? Richard Kiel! The Jaws guy from "Octopussy." He plays...a giant! Go figure. Today we look at 1963's "House of the Damned," directed by Maury Dexter.

Finding work is tough for hunk architect Scott (Ron Foster). His sultry blonde wife Nancy (Merry Anders) is quite supportive. Yay! A job! Hunk real estate lawyer Joseph (Richard Crane) has a job for them. Go to the abandoned Rochester mansion and survey it to get it ready for sale. Scott and Nancy are thrilled...they won't stay thrilled. Joseph and his sultry wife, Loy (Erika Peters) will meet them at the mansion in a day or two to help out. Scott and Nancy arrive at the mysterious house and have 13 keys that will open 50 doors. Big spooky place.  Uh oh...we get indications that our lovebirds are not alone in the house. Then, while they sleep, something hideous crawls into their bedroom and steals the keys. When they wake, Scott and Nancy can't figure out where the keys went. All is well as the beautiful and flirty Loy shows up. Actually Scott is well, Nancy is peeved as she correctly surmises Loy is a...skank.

Where's Joe? Loy wants to know. Scott and Nancy have a lot of work to do and Loy strips out of her clothes, into a swimsuit, and goes sunbathing. We like Loy...a lot better than Nancy likes her. Joe shows up and Loy yells at him and storms out. She won't get far as on the other side of a door she opens is...is... well, you'll see. Now the three look for Loy. uh oh...creepy stuff happens and there is someone in the cabinet watching their every move...in bed. Uh oh...some thing that creeps is also astir in the house. Uh oh...well, Richard Kiel is also prowling around.  Uh oh...the rooms that don't have keys? Well Scott and Joseph decide to bust them down as they search for Loy after Nancy saw...saw...oh, it's awful, you'll see.

Where is Loy and did Richard Kiel take her as his unwilling bride? Why did Joe get to the house way after his wife? Is the Rochester woman (Georgia Schmidt) really locked in an asylum or did she get out? Nancy and Loy are true babes and lend a great cheese factor to this film. Scott and Joseph are hunks and lend a nice beef factor. Behind the locked doors...well...you'll see. Oh, the ending! Wow! See "House of the Damned" and be shocked when you meet the damned.

Dredd, Justice in the Future

Okay, today we have "Escape From New York" meets "RoboCop." Not a bad combo.  I mean, it ain't like we have to watch a film that combines "Mrs. Soffel" and "The English Patient." Nope... carnage... violence...gore...machine guns...incendiaries...daggers...and a cute blonde.  Sylvester Stallone already did this character, Dredd, a number of years earlier, and we can debate the need for this Karl Urban rendition, but this 3D film is so much fun, no matter how much it was not needed. Today we look at 2012's "Dredd," directed by Pete Travis.

Yep...you know the general plot. A mega-city is out of control in the not too distant future. Crime has taken over and judges now have the power to be judge, juries, and executioners. Dredd (Urban) is one such bloke...and he is merciless, perhaps appropriately so. As the film begins he mows down three druggies. Now he is assigned a partner, a not quite ready for prime time babe, Anderson (Olivia Thirlby). The blond babe seems to have what it takes to be blown away on her first day on duty...except... Yep, she's no ordinary babe, she is a mutant.  Her mutation? Psychic! Now Dredd and her answer a call at the worst tenement building in the city and find themselves walking into a buzzsaw. 

So here is the deal. Ma-Ma (Lena Headey) is the crime lord running all the manufacturing and distribution of a brand new narcotic, called Slo-Mo. Her base of operations is the top floor of this tenement skyscraper. When Dredd and Anderson show up, and by the way, Anderson looks very nice in her black leather tactical suit, Ma-Ma is determined not to let them ruin her operation. She locks down the building, cuts off communications, and has her thugs and every building resident hunt our judges. Now everyone in the building hunts them and Anderson is warned that if they catch her, Ma-Ma will make her wish she committed suicide instead of being taken alive. A catfight between Ma-Ma and Anderson? You'll see. Grenades, machineguns, explosives, and attitude will prevail in this war. Oh, there is a death scene at the end of the movie that is just so poetic, it should be a mandatory scene in any movie made today.

Just what will Ma-Ma do to Anderson if she takes her prisoner?  Will Dredd fall in love with the nubile blonde mutant psychic?  Will the death toll exceed 200...and how many of the deaths will be in 3D? Sure, not a movie we needed after the Stallone entry, but enjoyable and satisfying nonetheless. Prophetic and therapeutic, "Dredd" is a film you will thoroughly enjoy." 

The Last Hail M.A.R.Y, Space-Bimbos Save the World

Save the world? Ha! They try, but the bimbos, like anything in history, need a man to arrive to really save things. Still, if the astronettes are sultry...well...that's all we can ask for. As the Artemis program proves to be the country's largest jobs program and still has not put anyone on the moon, the space program needs a boost. Perhaps babes in space is the way to go. At least, we like looking at them. Our feature today, from our buddies at The Asylum, is 2026's "The Last Hail M.A.R.Y.," directed by Marc Gottlieb.

Okay, the great war against Mars is over, finally. An uneasy truce exists. Sadly, an even greater nemesis for Earth emerges. The sun's core is dying causing the star to expand. It expands so far that the sun engulfs Mercury. Sad! Now it threatens Venus...and after Venus? Yep...us! The ISS, no not that one, the Interplanetary Space Station, manned with babes, is tasked with saving the solar system. The commander is Lorraine (Esmeree Sterling). She's an idiot and in her own incompetence may destroy the ISS and Earth without the sun's help. Still, she is real cute and wears her lip gloss well, so we like her. She yells at everyone but in all fairness, her crew all yell back. The Mission Specialist is the babe redhead Solange (Juliette Cecile). She's grouchy and is pals with Hinata (Lei Kiryu), who cries a lot. Okay, there are others but we like Truman (Mica Javier) the best...total babe. Sadly, Truman dies horribly and is gone early in the film.

The sun swallows Venus sooner than expected and Earth is only hours away. Lorraine is clueless and keeps yelling at the other babes. Along comes a Martian, Icluf (Brennen Amonett). He arrives in his spaceship claiming he knows how to stop the sun from expanding and how to save Earth. Problem is no Earthling trusts a Martian and Lorraine is content to screw things up all by herself. Finally, the Martian wins their trust, sort of, and now that a man is on board the ISS, there is a chance the Earth just may be saved. We still miss Truman...but the beautiful die way too early in space. Now Earthlings and Martians must work together to save Earth, and consequently, Mars too, 'cause they are next. Yes, there are a couple of men in this film, other than Icluf, but they are neutered by the domineering babes. 

Hey, they brought Spock back...maybe Truman will be resurrected for the sequel...we can only hope. Divorced guys, who have been savaged by babes, will understand this film. Our boys at The Asylum have given us a fun one that only rates a 2.8 out of 10 on IMDB's rating scale. Will grouchy Lorraine be able to make just one half of a competent move during her command in this apocalyptic event?  Will Icluf run from the station and try to find some more men to work with?  Is this a film where we all will be cheering for the sun to explode? Have some fun in your next movie watching experience and see "The Last Hail M.A.R.Y."  

Trick and Treats, Buxom Lovelies Die Horribly

Not an easy one to watch.  The cast is filled with well built young ladies, dressed in erotic Halloween costumes, displaying large portions of their boobs, and very short tight skirts. They max out on the kinkiness as one is in a scanty Catholic schoolgirls costume, and another is in a leather cat costume. Sadly...what happens to them will ensure they will no longer be lovely.  The misogyny in this film is intense and what  happens to one pretty one with a weed-whacker will be so wrong. Never fear, the demon is played by Malcolm McDowell. Our feature today is 2025's "Trick and Treats," directed by Eric Hector.

Okay, there is a neat and horrific backstory about Peter the Pumpkin Eater from the 19th century.  You'll see it. Present day, three skanks dressed provocatively, showing mega cleavage, and their buddy, the soon to be dead David (Emmanuel Carter) head to a Halloween party in rural America. The babes are the bi-polar Ashley (Lauren Ledesma), Laura (Carmen Moreno), and Kelly (Victorya Brandart) and after Ashley has a psychic vision, the car goes off road and is disabled.  The unfortunate quartet walk to a biker bar where they are converged on by rapist bikers. Oh, at this bar is a demon possessed pumpkin.  Gary Busey as Pastor Joe tries to steal it, but was thwarted by the bartender Billy (Gregory Hardigan). The pumpkin is possessed by a Halloween demon named Trick (McDowell).  When the rapists jump the babes, paw them, fondle them, grope them, and tie them up, Trick telepathically talks to Ashley about how to save herself.

The dames are brought into three different rooms and bikers engage in torturing them and mutilating them. Oh, the weed-whacker scene is almost too hard to take. The beautiful will no longer remain beautiful, except Ashley.  Ashley, with coaching from Trick, gets into the heads of the bikers and decimates them psychologically.  Now, even though she is tied up, Ashley seems to have the upper hand.  Now Ashley gets loose, gets a knife, and sets off to find and free her two buddies. Oh, David? Forget about him...he was offed right away. Ashley will now have to kill and Trick will explain to her just how to do it. The kills will be gory and the babes will not be out of danger now that they are no longer restrained. Just like any demon, Trick has some tricks in store for Ashley, too.

Will the bi-polar Ashley be able to keep it all together and save her buddies?  What else does Trick have in store for Ashley other than murdering the rapist bikers?  Is this 2025 movement a pendulum-reaction to the now defunct #MeToo movement that capitalized on wokeness?  This is a bloody one and what happens to the beautiful dames will not be easy to watch.  Still, Malcolm McDowell is terrific, and Ashley's plight is a compelling one.  See "Trick and Treats" and get set for a sequel which is on its way.   

The Blade Cuts Deeper, Slasher Film from Norway

Oh, those Norwegians!  Deep down they're as sick and demented as us Americans. Give them a big knife, a movie camera, and nubile blondes and suddenly, they give us a slasher film. Oh, those Norwegian blonde beauties? Yeah...they won't remain beauties long as some sicko with a big knife decides to play a puritanical soul.  Our feature today is 2024's "The Blade Cuts Deeper," directed by Gene Dolders.

John Abbott (John Tueart) hosts a TV show in which gruesome crimes are recreated for the TV audience. The last episode, in detail, recreated the sniper serial killer's last killing, a pregnant babe as her husband was embracing her. Now John's hocking the TV show at a film convention and the audience appears cool to him and his plight. Uh oh...someone is in the audience who may be even more critical. In the recreation, the lovely blonde Olivia (Kristin Jaap) plays the pregnant wife. She plays her well...and dies well. Afterwards, John treats her like garbage and makes her walk home. John treats all his crew like garbage. Olivia is followed home and a killer overpowers her and what results is Olivia's heartbreaking and humiliating murder. The killer (Peter Durr) then heads over to the studio where John and his art crew and editors are working late.

John demeans everyone he meets at the studio. Poor John, hardly anyone showed up at the film festival to hear him hock his exploitation show. We meet Jill (Lucy Renton), a pretty gal from the art department.  Sadly, she will also meet the killer.  The killer has gotten into the studio and hunts down crew members one by one.  Who is this killer? Sadly, we figure that out from the outset so there is no mystery in that. The kills are bloody and the weapon is usually a big knife or a screwdriver.  

Will our slasher murder everyone in the studio?  Will John survive the wrath of this maniac, or will he be saved for the last kill?  Has the disintegration of NATO helped Norway along with ditching artsy-fartsy productions and embracing slasher ones?  Believe it or not, the message delivered by this film is incredibly relevant to our media driven society.  For a bloody one, in the spirit of a true 80s type slasher film, see "The Blade Cuts Deeper."