House of the Damned, Haunted House Surprises

Haunted mansion, actually. The setting for this one is an isolated old mansion deep in the California mountains. The original owner? In a mental asylum for blowing off a guy's head. Last resident? Unknown. Yep, we have the makings for a nice Gothic type horror film, filled with ghosts, screams, and...well, you'll see. Oh, guess who is in it? Richard Kiel! The Jaws guy from "Octopussy." He plays...a giant! Go figure. Today we look at 1963's "House of the Damned," directed by Maury Dexter.

Finding work is tough for hunk architect Scott (Ron Foster). His sultry blonde wife Nancy (Merry Anders) is quite supportive. Yay! A job! Hunk real estate lawyer Joseph (Richard Crane) has a job for them. Go to the abandoned Rochester mansion and survey it to get it ready for sale. Scott and Nancy are thrilled...they won't stay thrilled. Joseph and his sultry wife, Loy (Erika Peters) will meet them at the mansion in a day or two to help out. Scott and Nancy arrive at the mysterious house and have 13 keys that will open 50 doors. Big spooky place.  Uh oh...we get indications that our lovebirds are not alone in the house. Then, while they sleep, something hideous crawls into their bedroom and steals the keys. When they wake, Scott and Nancy can't figure out where the keys went. All is well as the beautiful and flirty Loy shows up. Actually Scott is well, Nancy is peeved as she correctly surmises Loy is a...skank.

Where's Joe? Loy wants to know. Scott and Nancy have a lot of work to do and Loy strips out of her clothes, into a swimsuit, and goes sunbathing. We like Loy...a lot better than Nancy likes her. Joe shows up and Loy yells at him and storms out. She won't get far as on the other side of a door she opens is...is... well, you'll see. Now the three look for Loy. uh oh...creepy stuff happens and there is someone in the cabinet watching their every move...in bed. Uh oh...some thing that creeps is also astir in the house. Uh oh...well, Richard Kiel is also prowling around.  Uh oh...the rooms that don't have keys? Well Scott and Joseph decide to bust them down as they search for Loy after Nancy saw...saw...oh, it's awful, you'll see.

Where is Loy and did Richard Kiel take her as his unwilling bride? Why did Joe get to the house way after his wife? Is the Rochester woman (Georgia Schmidt) really locked in an asylum or did she get out? Nancy and Loy are true babes and lend a great cheese factor to this film. Scott and Joseph are hunks and lend a nice beef factor. Behind the locked doors...well...you'll see. Oh, the ending! Wow! See "House of the Damned" and be shocked when you meet the damned.

Dredd, Justice in the Future

Okay, today we have "Escape From New York" meets "RoboCop." Not a bad combo.  I mean, it ain't like we have to watch a film that combines "Mrs. Soffel" and "The English Patient." Nope... carnage... violence...gore...machine guns...incendiaries...daggers...and a cute blonde.  Sylvester Stallone already did this character, Dredd, a number of years earlier, and we can debate the need for this Karl Urban rendition, but this 3D film is so much fun, no matter how much it was not needed. Today we look at 2012's "Dredd," directed by Pete Travis.

Yep...you know the general plot. A mega-city is out of control in the not too distant future. Crime has taken over and judges now have the power to be judge, juries, and executioners. Dredd (Urban) is one such bloke...and he is merciless, perhaps appropriately so. As the film begins he mows down three druggies. Now he is assigned a partner, a not quite ready for prime time babe, Anderson (Olivia Thirlby). The blond babe seems to have what it takes to be blown away on her first day on duty...except... Yep, she's no ordinary babe, she is a mutant.  Her mutation? Psychic! Now Dredd and her answer a call at the worst tenement building in the city and find themselves walking into a buzzsaw. 

So here is the deal. Ma-Ma (Lena Headey) is the crime lord running all the manufacturing and distribution of a brand new narcotic, called Slo-Mo. Her base of operations is the top floor of this tenement skyscraper. When Dredd and Anderson show up, and by the way, Anderson looks very nice in her black leather tactical suit, Ma-Ma is determined not to let them ruin her operation. She locks down the building, cuts off communications, and has her thugs and every building resident hunt our judges. Now everyone in the building hunts them and Anderson is warned that if they catch her, Ma-Ma will make her wish she committed suicide instead of being taken alive. A catfight between Ma-Ma and Anderson? You'll see. Grenades, machineguns, explosives, and attitude will prevail in this war. Oh, there is a death scene at the end of the movie that is just so poetic, it should be a mandatory scene in any movie made today.

Just what will Ma-Ma do to Anderson if she takes her prisoner?  Will Dredd fall in love with the nubile blonde mutant psychic?  Will the death toll exceed 200...and how many of the deaths will be in 3D? Sure, not a movie we needed after the Stallone entry, but enjoyable and satisfying nonetheless. Prophetic and therapeutic, "Dredd" is a film you will thoroughly enjoy." 

The Last Hail M.A.R.Y, Space-Bimbos Save the World

Save the world? Ha! They try, but the bimbos, like anything in history, need a man to arrive to really save things. Still, if the astronettes are sultry...well...that's all we can ask for. As the Artemis program proves to be the country's largest jobs program and still has not put anyone on the moon, the space program needs a boost. Perhaps babes in space is the way to go. At least, we like looking at them. Our feature today, from our buddies at The Asylum, is 2026's "The Last Hail M.A.R.Y.," directed by Marc Gottlieb.

Okay, the great war against Mars is over, finally. An uneasy truce exists. Sadly, an even greater nemesis for Earth emerges. The sun's core is dying causing the star to expand. It expands so far that the sun engulfs Mercury. Sad! Now it threatens Venus...and after Venus? Yep...us! The ISS, no not that one, the Interplanetary Space Station, manned with babes, is tasked with saving the solar system. The commander is Lorraine (Esmeree Sterling). She's an idiot and in her own incompetence may destroy the ISS and Earth without the sun's help. Still, she is real cute and wears her lip gloss well, so we like her. She yells at everyone but in all fairness, her crew all yell back. The Mission Specialist is the babe redhead Solange (Juliette Cecile). She's grouchy and is pals with Hinata (Lei Kiryu), who cries a lot. Okay, there are others but we like Truman (Mica Javier) the best...total babe. Sadly, Truman dies horribly and is gone early in the film.

The sun swallows Venus sooner than expected and Earth is only hours away. Lorraine is clueless and keeps yelling at the other babes. Along comes a Martian, Icluf (Brennen Amonett). He arrives in his spaceship claiming he knows how to stop the sun from expanding and how to save Earth. Problem is no Earthling trusts a Martian and Lorraine is content to screw things up all by herself. Finally, the Martian wins their trust, sort of, and now that a man is on board the ISS, there is a chance the Earth just may be saved. We still miss Truman...but the beautiful die way too early in space. Now Earthlings and Martians must work together to save Earth, and consequently, Mars too, 'cause they are next. Yes, there are a couple of men in this film, other than Icluf, but they are neutered by the domineering babes. 

Hey, they brought Spock back...maybe Truman will be resurrected for the sequel...we can only hope. Divorced guys, who have been savaged by babes, will understand this film. Our boys at The Asylum have given us a fun one that only rates a 2.8 out of 10 on IMDB's rating scale. Will grouchy Lorraine be able to make just one half of a competent move during her command in this apocalyptic event?  Will Icluf run from the station and try to find some more men to work with?  Is this a film where we all will be cheering for the sun to explode? Have some fun in your next movie watching experience and see "The Last Hail M.A.R.Y."  

Trick and Treats, Buxom Lovelies Die Horribly

Not an easy one to watch.  The cast is filled with well built young ladies, dressed in erotic Halloween costumes, displaying large portions of their boobs, and very short tight skirts. They max out on the kinkiness as one is in a scanty Catholic schoolgirls costume, and another is in a leather cat costume. Sadly...what happens to them will ensure they will no longer be lovely.  The misogyny in this film is intense and what  happens to one pretty one with a weed-whacker will be so wrong. Never fear, the demon is played by Malcolm McDowell. Our feature today is 2025's "Trick and Treats," directed by Eric Hector.

Okay, there is a neat and horrific backstory about Peter the Pumpkin Eater from the 19th century.  You'll see it. Present day, three skanks dressed provocatively, showing mega cleavage, and their buddy, the soon to be dead David (Emmanuel Carter) head to a Halloween party in rural America. The babes are the bi-polar Ashley (Lauren Ledesma), Laura (Carmen Moreno), and Kelly (Victorya Brandart) and after Ashley has a psychic vision, the car goes off road and is disabled.  The unfortunate quartet walk to a biker bar where they are converged on by rapist bikers. Oh, at this bar is a demon possessed pumpkin.  Gary Busey as Pastor Joe tries to steal it, but was thwarted by the bartender Billy (Gregory Hardigan). The pumpkin is possessed by a Halloween demon named Trick (McDowell).  When the rapists jump the babes, paw them, fondle them, grope them, and tie them up, Trick telepathically talks to Ashley about how to save herself.

The dames are brought into three different rooms and bikers engage in torturing them and mutilating them. Oh, the weed-whacker scene is almost too hard to take. The beautiful will no longer remain beautiful, except Ashley.  Ashley, with coaching from Trick, gets into the heads of the bikers and decimates them psychologically.  Now, even though she is tied up, Ashley seems to have the upper hand.  Now Ashley gets loose, gets a knife, and sets off to find and free her two buddies. Oh, David? Forget about him...he was offed right away. Ashley will now have to kill and Trick will explain to her just how to do it. The kills will be gory and the babes will not be out of danger now that they are no longer restrained. Just like any demon, Trick has some tricks in store for Ashley, too.

Will the bi-polar Ashley be able to keep it all together and save her buddies?  What else does Trick have in store for Ashley other than murdering the rapist bikers?  Is this 2025 movement a pendulum-reaction to the now defunct #MeToo movement that capitalized on wokeness?  This is a bloody one and what happens to the beautiful dames will not be easy to watch.  Still, Malcolm McDowell is terrific, and Ashley's plight is a compelling one.  See "Trick and Treats" and get set for a sequel which is on its way.   

The Blade Cuts Deeper, Slasher Film from Norway

Oh, those Norwegians!  Deep down they're as sick and demented as us Americans. Give them a big knife, a movie camera, and nubile blondes and suddenly, they give us a slasher film. Oh, those Norwegian blonde beauties? Yeah...they won't remain beauties long as some sicko with a big knife decides to play a puritanical soul.  Our feature today is 2024's "The Blade Cuts Deeper," directed by Gene Dolders.

John Abbott (John Tueart) hosts a TV show in which gruesome crimes are recreated for the TV audience. The last episode, in detail, recreated the sniper serial killer's last killing, a pregnant babe as her husband was embracing her. Now John's hocking the TV show at a film convention and the audience appears cool to him and his plight. Uh oh...someone is in the audience who may be even more critical. In the recreation, the lovely blonde Olivia (Kristin Jaap) plays the pregnant wife. She plays her well...and dies well. Afterwards, John treats her like garbage and makes her walk home. John treats all his crew like garbage. Olivia is followed home and a killer overpowers her and what results is Olivia's heartbreaking and humiliating murder. The killer (Peter Durr) then heads over to the studio where John and his art crew and editors are working late.

John demeans everyone he meets at the studio. Poor John, hardly anyone showed up at the film festival to hear him hock his exploitation show. We meet Jill (Lucy Renton), a pretty gal from the art department.  Sadly, she will also meet the killer.  The killer has gotten into the studio and hunts down crew members one by one.  Who is this killer? Sadly, we figure that out from the outset so there is no mystery in that. The kills are bloody and the weapon is usually a big knife or a screwdriver.  

Will our slasher murder everyone in the studio?  Will John survive the wrath of this maniac, or will he be saved for the last kill?  Has the disintegration of NATO helped Norway along with ditching artsy-fartsy productions and embracing slasher ones?  Believe it or not, the message delivered by this film is incredibly relevant to our media driven society.  For a bloody one, in the spirit of a true 80s type slasher film, see "The Blade Cuts Deeper." 

Reborn, Junkyard Body-Horror

Body horror? What is it? Watch this film and find out.  Sure, David Cronenberg had a nice career doing it. It is the type of horror that easily gets us to turn our heads or wince. Today we have one that is body horror to the max. Oh, what the fiend will do to so many nubile babes...and some hunks. This is not an easy one to watch and many of you won't make it to the halfway point. Let us look at 2009's "Reborn" (aka "Machined Reborn"), directed by Craig McMahon.

Cade (Jimmy Flowers) buys a junkyard...and moves his pretty wife Jess (Davina Joy) there with him. Mistake. She sweats a lot, gets nude, and has steamy sweaty sex with him. She'll be abducted as she admires her nude self by...well, a serial killer named Dan (David C. Hayes). Dan cuts her legs and arms off, screws things into her, tortures her with straps that tighten, and nails her to a chair. Yep...most of you will have turned this film off by now. Now Cade is forced by Dan to kill anyone who steps into the junkyard or he will murder Jess.  Sad...Jess is no way surviving this ordeal. Uh oh...Dan is also a machinist and screws some metal onto Cade to make him an iron killer. Cade is also fitted with spikes so he won't be easy to tackle. 

Trespassers and other assorted folks come onto the junkyard. Dan has the place rigged with surveillance cameras and insists Cade do his killings in front of the cameras.  Cade complies.  If he doesn't, Dan will tighten the straps on the nude and not entirely whole Jess.  Poor Jess. More will die as they step onto the grounds of the junkyard. Then Teresa (Kathleen Benner arrives). This babe is a realtor that insisted this property not be sold. Behind her back, the junkyard property was sold to Cade. See, Teresa's sister was murdered by a serial killer on this land and she is terrified of it.  With two other realtors she invades the junkyard with the hopes of warning Cade and Jess...but this won't go well.

What will be Teresa's fate as she tries to avenge the murder of her sister?  Will the machine-fitted Cade have any humanity left in him after he kills a dozen times or so? Just who is this Dan guy and will he ever do any of the killings himself? Gory and revolting...if you make it through the entire film, you will not be able to ever forget some of the imagery.  For a real horror shocker, see "Reborn."

Apology, An Apologetic Serial Killer

Wow! What an ending.  Sure, in this 1980s slasher film, we have to endure an uber awkward sex scene between Peter Weller and Lesley Ann Warren.  Sure, as twisted as these two look while doing the scene, it is not unpleasant to view on the small screen. Small screen? Yep, an HBO Productions movie, and later distributed by both HBO and Cannon. Oh, but what an ending...hardly a low-budget one. This gritty New York police thriller from 1986 is "Apology," directed by Robert Bierman.

Wow! Lily (Warren) is a sultry sculptor of modern art. This is her weird project.  Lily sets up an answering machine and advertises a phone number to call and confess your awful crimes as an apology. Weirdos call.  With these recordings of the weird apologies, Lily will use them as inspiration for her colossal steel sculpture that looks like the set of an epic spaceship movie. An artist in New York, most of Lily's male friends are homosexual. Yep, a serial killer is chopping up homosexuals and cutting off their schlongs (the movie's term, not mine). Uh oh...the killer, Claude (Jimmie Ray Weeks) calls the apology line and apologizes. Now Lily has a serial killer calling her line. Enter Detective Rad Hungate (Weller). Rad is instantly attracted to Lily. Lily plays hard to get but we know she wants him.

The weird duo end up rolling in the sack together as Claude keeps killing homosexuals, including associates of Lily. Now Rad and Lily fall in love...though they really look awkward together. Claude begins calling Lily all the time, killing more people she knows, and is now surveilling her. Rad works tirelessly to catch Claude.  Uh oh...Claude feels betrayed that Lily is sleeping with the police and not sympathetic to his plight. Lily now has more of a reason to be afraid.  Claude decides to kill someone very special to her.

Will Rad be able to protect Lily, in and out of the sack?  Will Lily's sculpture ever reach completion, and will it be used as a prop in one of Ridley Scott's "Alien" movies?  Really, you should see this thing.  Could HBO have hired an intimacy coordinator to work with both Ms. Warren and Mr. Weller regarding their love scenes?  Not that those scenes were unpleasant, but they were...weird! See "Apology" and see Peter Weller and Lesley Ann Warren like you never have.