The Anacondas, Bimbos vs. Snake

Just leave it to the guys. Let the manosphere take over. Bimbos on ambitious treks into the wilderness to look for things leads to failure and embarrassment. Picture Katy Perry as an astronette in her Fun-Land ride courtesy of Jeff Bezos. Still, this all makes great fodder for a movie by The Asylum for the Syfy Channel.  Let us look at a monster snake film, 2025's "The Anacondas," directed by...a man...Marcel Walz.

Dr. Marlene Potts (Danielle Titus) is deep in Mexico with more bimbos and some hunks to find a treasured Aztec artifact. It is never absolutely clear what that is. She waits with her bimbo pal, Jess (Bix Krieger). Jess is jealous because the big-boobed academic Bella Jacobs (Maureen Kedes) is on her way and she controls the funding for the expedition.  The big-boobed team is now complete and we meet the guide with a weird name, Yaretzi (Brian Russell). He descends from Aztecs and is proud of the land...yawn. They head in and everyone of the babes is wondering what Dr. Agustin Stiglitz (Dominic Keating) is thinking about them. Why? Their dames! Stiglitz tried to find this artifact and failed. Now he is on his way...but the guy takes his time.

Okay, the 25 foot anacondas attack and eventually start murdering the hunks.  They squeeze them to death and swallow their heads. A metaphor for how the feminists of our time treat weak guys?  The crew finds the ancient ruins of a snake temple and go inside to look for the...the...well, the artifacts. There, a two-mile long snake and his friends begin picking off the babes and hunks.  Marlene and Jess keep coming up with plans that are all lame-brain.  Stiglitz arrives and I must say his shooting technique is one to be admired by any competitive shooter on any gun range.  More babes will die horribly.  Stiglitz, with scars on his face, tries to save the bimbos, or what is left of them.

Will the snakes eat all the bimbos?  Are the big snakes a metaphor for what is now happening to the feminism movement ever since #MeToo ruined its credibility?  Stiglitz?  Seriously?  Still, this metaphor for the failing feminist movement is a lot of fun and the bimbos look nice even when they're snarling at one another or being eaten by monster snakes.  For some Syfy Channel fun, see "The Anacondas."    

Shock 'Em Dead, Traci Lords in Peril

No one ever comes out and says this obvious fact.  We'll say it here...Traci Lords is a pretty good actress. Pleasing to look at and often times she portrays a trash, or slutty character, but look deep...she does a fantastic job.  In our film today, her character has no business stealing the show...yet she does. Thrown in with demons, rock musicians, groupies, and centerfold type babes, we are looking at Miss Lords when she is on camera. So let us take a look at this 1990 horror film that might have been straight to video, "Shock 'Em Dead," directed by Mark Freed.

Martin (Stephen Quadros) is a loser.  He works at a pizza stand and his boss (Aldo Ray) hates him. He gets the opportunity to try out for a band and leaves for the audition. Aldo ray will fire him.  He won't get the gig. Now the landlord at his trailer park wants him out. Then Martin meets a voodoo priestess (Tyger Sodipe) and he agrees to sell his soul to the devil to become the world's greatest rock musician. It happens and he wakes in bed at a mansion with three babes who adore him (Karen Russell, Laurel Wiley, and Gina Parks). The lingerie clad babes are there for his every wish. Martin, now known as Angel, goes to rehearsal and blows everyone away with his guitar playing. There he meets Lindsay (Lords), the band's manager. Greg (Tim Moffett) plays bass and is Lindsay's fiancé. Jonny (Markus Grupa) is the lead singer and after the first concert, Angel humiliates Jonny and becomes the lead singer, too.

Lindsay is very happy and secures mega-recording and gig contracts from a big promoter (Troy Donahue). Now Angel wants Lindsay. Problem, these bargains with the devil have consequences and Angel needs to kill everyday, sometimes more, and eat his kill. He'll kill and eat slut fans, Aldo Ray, the trailer park landlord, and more.  Now he wants Lindsay as a bride but Greg intends to fight for the blonde manager. Lindsay realizes something is wrong with Angel and tries to flee.  She'll have catfights with the three sluts that serve Angel. Now Angel intends to do a voodoo blood rite to make her a demon vampire, just like him.

Will Greg be able to successfully fight off Angel and reclaim Lindsay?  Is Lindsay destined to be the bride of this demon?  What will the three slut demon babes who serve Angel do about Lindsay being around so  much?  This is a good entertaining horror film with a lot of action, bad music, and Traci Lords.  For a terrific horror film from the 90s that you have never seen, see "Shock 'Em Dead." 

Bears on a Ship, Yogi and Boo-Boo on The Love Boat

Okay, I don't want to hear any hate about this film. Sure, it only received a 2.8/10 rating on IMDB but it is a better movie than "The Color Purple," and the creature f/x are infinitely better than the ones in "The Devil Wears Prada 2." Also, this is the first bear film filmed on a cruise liner that has sunk. Really.  Filmed on the MV Aurora after it was sunk, the poor liner was docked in beautiful Stockton, CA undergoing repair when the water gushed in.  Finally it was towed away and scrapped...so sad.  But, not before genius filmmakers filmed 2025's "Bears on a Ship," directed by Eduardo Castrillo. I may say, the creepy setting of a dead ocean liner, with a storied history dating back to 1955, makes this film so worthwhile.

A Russian gangster pays Joe Bear (Christopher Wilson) a lot of dinero to go to Mexico and capture two grizzlies. Two of his hunters are shredded in the capture and now he brings the bears onto the Aurora for sail to the U.S.. Uh oh...an airline strike grounds all airlines and assorted airplane passengers pay Captain Carlos (Raymond Ruiz) for passage back to the States on the Aurora. Among the passengers are Missy (Erin Nolan) and her hubby Dave (Derek Crowe). They are rich and the rest of the passengers are not. Yep...a stoner, looking for a good time unlocks the cages and is eaten. Now the bears prowl the ship shredding everyone they meet. 

Highlights include the New Age bear whisperer woman who attempts to make friends with the beasts...she is clawed to death. The bears seem unstoppable. Okay, stop...no making fun of this movie on this blog!  You have to admit the creature f/x are better than the ones in the Talia Shire scare-a-thon "Prophecy." The bears look like...well, never mind. The passengers that are not shredded ban together, arm themselves, and now hunt the killers.

Enough of this plot which is gritty reality put to film.  Will Yogi and Boo-Boo make it to land in the U.S.?  Will Missy and Dave buy their ways to safety, or will the proletariat on the ship rebel and feed them to the bears?  Is this film a metaphor for Russia's invasion of Ukraine and the milquetoast response by NATO?  This is a good one and I stress, filming aboard a sunken cruise ship is such an appropriate touch for a killer bear film.  See "Bears on a Ship," and remove the need you have to see "The Devil Wears Prada 2."

Whisper Kill, Loni Anderson as a Psycho

Loni Anderson, the star of "WKRP in Cincinnati," was unquestionably the blonde bombshell of the 1980s.  She would eventually marry Burt Reynolds.  Though she played a bimbo secretary, the actress desired not to be type-cast as one.  A slasher?  Really?  Loni Anderson as a female Michael Myers.  Would that work?  Would it even work in a TV movie? Let us look at a 1988 TV movie starring our blonde bombshell, in a non-bimbo role. Our feature today is "Whisper Kill" (aka "Whisperkill"), directed by Christian Nyby II. He had just directed "Hill Street Blues" for the previous four years. Oh, his dad did some "Gilligan's Island," and "The Thing from Another World."

Liz (Anderson) runs a small town newspaper.  He partner and one-night stand Jerry is gutted by a brutal killer. Liz, embarrassed that she got drunk and let him have pre-marital sex with her did not like her partner...and even had motive to kill him. The killer calls his victims and in a muffled voice tells them they are next. If Jerry dies, Liz gets control of the entire paper, debt free. Dan (Joe Penny) arrives...hunk out of work reporter. He was coming to visit Jerry now dedicates his effort to finding the killer. Liz hesitantly hires Dan as a reporter. The two will have much pre-marital sex together as Liz will spend a great deal of the film in bed or in her impressive undies and lingerie. Joe is entranced by Liz and her beauty, even though he thinks she is the killer.  The killings continue and Dan has found out they actually began many years ago.  He also finds out if someone slept with Liz...they were murdered.

Dan is a good reporter and gets close to Liz.  They have pre-marital sex more often. Uh oh...Dan finds out Liz is under psychiatric care, was in a mental asylum, and killed her dad when she was 16. Uh oh, the schmuck (Joe Lerer) who owns the rival newspaper in town, is gutted by the same killer. Uh oh, Dan strong arms Liz' psychiatrist (Jeremy Slate) for information about Liz.  Dan also finds Liz' wealthy mother, a "Dear Abby" type personality, Winnie (June Lockhart).  Winnie provides Dan with more information about the raging nymphomaniac newspaper editor babe. Now Dan has gotten a call...while having pre-marital sex with Liz. Does this mean Liz is not the killer?  Nope. You'll see...but now Dan is convinced Liz is not the killer.  More die by the hands of the knife wielding killer. 

Is Liz really the killer, or is this too easy?  Can we blame Dan for having a lot of pre-marital sex with the nymphomaniac Liz...after all...it is Loni Anderson?  Will Dan's gutting be the end of this film, or is there a horrific twist that awaits?  This is a good one, and Loni Anderson provides some nice gratuitous underwear and lingerie action.  For a terrific TV movie from the 80s, heavy on the eroticism, see "Whisper Kill."  

The Face of Marble, Forerunner to Re-Animator

1985's "Re-Animator" was a perfect horror film. Directed by Stuart Gordon from an H.P. Lovecraft story, the gore-a-thon was just so much fun. Jeffrey Combs was the perfect mad scientist and Barbara Crampton's performance was the best scream queen portrayal of all time.  39 years earlier, this exact film was made and I'm sure you never saw it.  Today we look at 1946's "The Face of Marble," directed by William Beaudine and starring John Carradine as the mad scientist.

Dr. Charles Randolph (Carradine) had come up with a serum and machine that cures...death! Imagine that. Well...the process has not quite been perfected.  As the film begins, he and his hunk assistant, Dr. David Cochran (Robert Shayne) are trying to bring a corpse back to life...and it reanimates! The corpse, now living, has no facial expression and advances on the two doctors like it wants to murder them. Saved by a lightning  bolt...well timed, indeed. Now the two look to perfect the experiment but need...a corpse. Meanwhile, Charles' wife, the beautiful Elaine (Claudia Drake), unbeknownst to Charles, loves David. Uh oh...Elaine's devoted servant, Maria (Rosa Rey), does voodoo and casts spells to make David fall in love with Elaine.  This doesn't work. Oh, in Charles' desire for a corpse, he murders Elaine's huge hound and him and David bring it back to life. The hound is no longer friendly but a snarling devil dog that can pass through walls and doors as if it were a ghost.

Uh oh...surprise! The beautiful Linda (Maris Wrixon) visits. She is David's fiancé. Maria panics as she needs David to fall in love with Elaine. She'll try to murder Linda but accidentally kills Elaine. David and Charles rush Elaine's corpse to the lab and the duo do their thing and back from the dead is Elaine...sort of. Elaine is kind of...changed, and has similar attributes to her resurrected hound.  Now more murders will grace Dr. Randolph's mansion and a nosy detective (Thomas E. Jackson) investigates. Linda better be careful as Maria is still bent on uniting Elaine and David with love rituals.  Yep, Charles better be careful, too.

Will Linda and Elaine engage in a catfight while wearing negligees, in bed? Ha! No, I'm not being gratuitous!  Fooled you...THEY DO!!! Will the resurrected Elaine murder David or Charles?  Will Brutus the hound rip anyone's throat out?  This is a good one and almost the exact same film as the aforementioned 1985 classic.  See "The Face of Marble" and enjoy some negligee clad beauties in great peril.     

Megaboa, Big Snake Eats College Kids

Eric Roberts! Gotta like that!  Something about him just brings a smile to my face and makes me say, "I need to see that movie!" He's in this...and get this...he's in it for a substantial amount of scenes and lines. Today we have one from Syfy and The Asylum...yes! Whether its a boa or an anaconda, what is the difference?  Our feature today is 2021's "Megaboa," directed by Mario N. Bonassin.

Let's get one thing straight...it's a jungle. Not rain forest.  Jungle. So there...I said it. On an island off the coast of Columbia a big snake (like 60 feet long) eats Rex (Ray Acevedo).  His buddy, Joaquin (Joe Herrera) runs away...smart. On the beach, Professor Malone (Roberts) and his grad students have been dropped off.  They are going to take pics regarding prehistoric life that used to infest this jungle. His students? Allison (Michelle Elizabeth O'Shea), a sultry soldier girl pines for all those that never came home...yawn. The nerd and peacenik Grace (Emilia Torello)...we desire her to get eaten.  Hunk Adam (Garrett Schulte), a veritable seven on the hunk scale.  Benji (Vimala Veera), a brainiac who operates drones.  On their first night, Joaquin runs into camp panicked with tales of a big snake...the boa, not his. Bad news...Malone gets bitten by a spider and has 36 hours to live.

Mission...save Malone. Joaquin knows of an orchid that will save Malone's life.  He, Allison, Adam, Grace, and Jake (Jadon Cal Fitzpatrick) head into the JUNGLE to get the orchid. Oh, I didn't mention Jake. He'll get eaten first and regurgitated.  That's how I want to go! Uh oh...the orchid is up a tree and in the middle of hundreds of big boas.  Uh oh again, the really big boa arrives. Now the team must figure out a way to get the orchid, kill the big snake, and get back to Malone and save his life. Hence, you have an epic Syfy Channel movie! Oh...it'll get better when the giant spider in flames rears its ugly head. When the flaming arachnid battles the megeboa, it is such a beautiful sight. More snakes join the fracas ands also hunt the merry band of grad students and Joaquin.

Will Professor Malone be saved by the orchid?  Will any of his students make it back uneaten? Will Allison stop worrying about all those who didn't make it back long enough to see to it that her and her mates...make it back?  Over-the-top performances and a very likable character created by Eric Roberts are the highlights of this CGI heavy film.  If you like hunks, babes, big monsters, little monsters, and Syfy Channel films, see "Megaboa."  

The Incredible Petrified World, Prelude to a Catfight

I don't know why John Carradine films never get a rating on IMDB of above a 3.0 out of 10.  I mean if Diane Keaton's "Mrs. Soffel" gets a 6.1/10, then our feature today should get an 18! Yeah, there are monsters.  The film does begin with a death fight between a shark and an octopus. More importantly, the two babes in this film give one another the once over then steadily draw closer and  closer to one of those catfights in which they're pulling hair and scratching at one another's eyes. Babes stuck in unknown worlds can only lead to one thing...catfights. Let us look at 1959's "The Incredible Petrified World" (a much better film than "Mrs. Soffel"), directed by Jerry Warren.

Professor Millard Wyman (John Carradine) has invented an undersea dive bell. The oceanographer will send four peeps thousands of feet underwater to study unknown, and maybe still existing prehistoric species. Prof. Wyman brings his bell near the Florida Keys and is ready to lower it.  On board will be hunk Craig (Robert Clarke), his soon-to-be GF Lauri (Sheila Noonan), the reproterette/photographerette Dale (Phyllis Coates), and the dweeb Paul (Allen Windsor). Oh, just before getting in the bell, Dale receives a Dear Joan telegram from a guy who tells her to get lost and he hopes she'll drown and be eaten by fish. Many of us can relate to those sentiments, I'm sure. They dive and the cable snaps sending the bell on a freefall for thousands of feet. Before running out of air, the 4 divers don SCUBA suits, leave the bell, and make it to a series of underwater caves.

After an uneventful meeting with a Komodo dragon, the gang pairs up for mating purposes, Craig and Lauri and then Dale and Paul. Paul's a dweeb and Craig is a hunk so Dale is determined to scratch Lauri's eyes out.  Watching all this is some old guy (Maurice Bernard) who has been stuck in the caves for 14 years. He wants Dale as a mate but Dale is not happy about this. After talking to Dale for a few seconds, the old cave guy now wants to murder and eat her. On the surface, Dr. Wyman has not given up efforts to rescue his divers.  He's a good man and fortunately never really got to know Dale.  If he had, the professor may have decided to leave them down there.

Will Dale annihilate Lauri or vice versa?  Will Prof. Wyman be able to find and rescue his divers? Are there any mud pits in these underground caves in which Dale and Lauri can have a catfight in? This very entertaining adventure/scifi film is a lot of fun, so make sure and see "The Incredible Petrified World."