The Secret of the Loch, Found, The Loch Ness Monster

Ah, the Loch Ness Monster...or Nessie, if you prefer. This has mystified us all forever, practically.  The most famous cryptid ever.  In Scotland, it is not a myth, but a reality. Half the population has not only seen it but also had their goats eaten by it. So famous, that today's movie was partly written by Arthur Conan Doyle. In what is a study of the ethos of Scotland, our film today serves as a fitting companion piece to "Braveheart." Let us look at a creepy film set in the fog in Scotland, 1934's "The Secret of the Loch," directed by Milton Rosmer. By the way, this was one of the first films to use underwater filming and submarines.

A lot happens in this film. The renown scientist, Professor Heggie (Seymour Hicks) is jeered, mocked, and lampooned by his colleagues when he tries to get funding for an expedition to find the Loch Ness Monster. He just knows it dwells in a cave deep below the loch's surface. He is laughed out of the university. Enter sensationalist reporter, Jimmy Anderson (Frederick Peisley). He wants the story, but Heggie has no patience for the media...good for him! Jimmy follows Heggie back to his mansion by the mysterious loch. There, Jimmy interviews other residents in the pub about their sightings. None of these so-called witnesses are sober. Without access to Heggie, Jimmy writes lies about him and now all of his mates know the distinguished scientist is a big Anna May Wong fan. This infuriates Heggie who orders his brute assistant (Gibson Gowland) to shoot Jimmy if she shows up at the mansion.

Jimmy, who has been ordered, by his editor, to get the story, sneaks into the mansion and finds himself in the boudoir of the guy's sultry granddaughter, Angela (Nancy O'Neil). She kind of likes Jimmy but is also protective of her grandfather. Jimmy follows Heggie to the Loch where the old guy is sending divers down into the inky depths to find the monster.  These expeditions to the depths of the Loch Ness find the hidden cave and also horror.  Now that he has fallen in love with Angela, Jimmy is determined to prove Heggie right, and then marry Angela.  To do this, he will have to don a diving suit, plunge down to the loch's bottom, find the cave, and then deal with whatever dwells in it. 

Does the monster indeed live in Loch Ness?  Will Jimmy succeed in doing what others have lost their lives trying to do?  Will Angela and Jimmy ever get the old, grouchy Professor Heggie to bless their engagement? Was William Wallace also an Anna May Wong fan? This is a good one, and where Mel Gibson's "Braveheart" bored and preached, this one thrilled and engaged.  For the best film ever about the identity of the Scottish people, see "The Secret of the Loch."    

Amityville Chupacabra, A Goat Sucker and the Paranormal

Why are you snickering? This is a hard hitting voyage into horror and into the realm of mad scientists! In what is a faithful adaptation of the Gustave Flaubert novel, our feature today is the poignant and metaphorical "Amityville Chupacabra," directed by Will Collazo, Jr. We have all been waiting for this goat sucker to make it to Amityville knowing once it did, possibilities would be endless. Let us look at this 2025 film.

Mad scientists have captured a Chupacabra and hauled it to the Amityville house? Why? You need to ask? See, the paranormal energy in the house can infuse with the cryptid and thereby curing diseases. Obviously! Trevor (Jeff Webb) is the lead mad scientist and soon the creature will bust out of its cage and annihilate mad scientist Courtney (Lilith Stults). The thing is free and mad scientist Brody (Cody Tudor) believes weird mad scientist Morgan (Julie Anne Prescott) is responsible for sabotaging these experiments. See where this is going? What do you mean...no!? Never fear, as the experiments to cure death are not going well, and the Chupacabra is loose, Claire (Misty Wagner) shows up from the Incident Control Unit. What does the Incident Control Unit do? Well, they control incidents! DUH!  Also arriving is MS 13 cast-off, Merrick (Michael Ochotorena) who is a former Green Beret, or something, to hunt the Chupacabra.

Okay, paranormal stuff begins to happen hinting at other dimensions. Hey, it's the Amityville house!  Young buck mad scientist Frederick (Blaize Tudor) sort of comes across as the only mad in this film that has a head on his shoulders...for now. He'll try to find the beast, the missing mad scientists, and determine if any sabotage is going on.  Claire and Trevor team up to control the incident.  Morgan tries to remember what happened during periods she blacked out.  The Chupacabra continues stalking.  No spoilers her, though you can probably guess how this all will culminate.

Would 19th century French novelist, Gustave Flaubert, be pleased with this adaptation of his novel?  Will the mads find a cure for death in their experiments on the Chupacabra?  Does the NIH or even the CDC have a better plan for curing death other than that silly vaccine?  This is one you must see in order to be able to mingle at the Paris Fashion Week.  See "Amityville Chupacabra" and then understand what all the hype is all about.

Nightshade, Hey, Dina Meyer Is In It!

An experienced horror fan will not be blown away at the shocking and disturbing twists that occur in this one.  Even the taboo plot lines will not shock.  Still, this is an enjoyable film, largely because Dina Meyer is in it and so is the son of the Incredible Hulk.  Yep Lou Ferrigno, Jr. plays a homicide detective assigned to some gory murders.  Our feature today is 2022's "Nightshade," directed by Landon Williams.

We begin with the backstory, and it is a troubling one.  In demonic or ritualistic fashion a husband (Jason Patric) murders his wife and dumps her body in a grave beside a pentagram as their little daughter watches in horror. This will all be explained later. Fast forward 20 or so years, Ben (Ferrigno, Jr.) is on some homicide cases that have a few things in common. The victims were all bad criminals. They have more in common, too, but you'll have to see the movie to find out what. Troubled by insomnia and bad dreams, Ben goes to see a shrink specializing in hypnotherapy, Dr. Amy Collins (Meyer). She's a babe and we are suspicious of her immediately.  She hypnotizes Ben and asks details about his cases. Ben goes home to a loving and very pretty wife, Lucy (Kenzie Dalton). She is grieving over a miscarriage a year earlier. Ben is supportive but Lucy is worried about him.

In addition to bad dreams, Ben has begun sleepwalking.  First waking up on his front lawn.  Then he ends up waking up at murder scenes in which the killings had just occurred. Ben keeps going to his therapy sessions and Dr. Amy gets him to open up under hypnosis.  More killings occur and the mutilated bodies point to a very deranged serial killer.  Uh oh...Ben has found a few more connections between the victims and now suspects the killer is...Dr. Amy Collins!

Is the sultry hypnotherapist the killer?  Just what did that ritualistic killing 20 years ago have to do with Ben's investigation?  Will Dr. Collins and Lucy engage in a catfight over Ben?  The cast is a fine looking one, and for an experienced horror film aficionado, this will be the lure of this film. For a horror film novice, be prepared for shocking twists and lurid plot lines. See "Nightshade" for the thrills and Dina Meyer. 

While She Was Out, Kim Basinger Becomes The Toolbox Killer

He's a pure psycho!  He's a dirty and vicious rapist! Now he wants to rape Kim Basinger as he strangles the life out of her. Yep, Lukas Haas reprises his role from the Harrison Ford thriller, "Witness." This time, instead of terrorizing Kelly McGillis...he is out to rape and murder Kim Basinger. Fear not...Kim Basinger will go psycho, too.  Even worse for Lukas Haas...she has a toolbox at her disposal. Today we look at 2008's "While She Was Out," directed by Susan Montford.

Never has Kim Basinger been in so much peril, except during her marriage to Alec Baldwin. At least Baldwin did not shoot her...as Lukas Haas will try to do in this film. We'll skip the backstory as that would serve as a spoiler to the very vicious ending that will leave you and your date in a heavy discussion. Della (Basinger) is a sultry housewife who goes to the mall on Christmas Eve for last second shopping. On her way out, she's accosted by Chuckie (Haas), a pure psycho and his thug cohorts, Huey (Jamie Starr), Vingh (Leonard Wu), and Thomas (Luis Chavez). A mall rent-a-cop comes by and Chuckie pulls out a gun and blows him away.  Horrified, Della leaps into her car and speeds away, pursued by the quartet of deviants.  They have already told her they will rape and murder her. 

Now Della loses control, speeds through barriers, and crashes in a construction zone. With her car ruined, the blonde babe grabs a toolbox from the back, and runs into the site where new homes are under construction.  Chuckie arrives with his mates and chase Della. Chuckie has a gun and all four are aroused and ready for rape. A babe and a toolbox...oh, think of the possibilities! Della does and uses the tools smartly and painfully.  She is tormented and eventually chased into the thick woods.  The war has begun and Della is fighting back.  A screwdriver here, a ratchet set there, and soon the would-be rapists are yelling for their mommies.  Chuckie is determined, and even with a broken collarbone, he is determined to rape and kill.  Okay...the ending.  You may or may not like it.  I loved it.  See and discuss, as they say.

Which tool will Della save for Chuckie?  What of the other thugs?  Will Della make it home for Christmas?  This last question is an eerily pertinent one, you'll see.  Ms. Basinger looks sultry even as she goes all-psycho.  Mr. Haas looks just as cute as he did in "Witness." Okay, maybe not. For a fine thriller, that acts just like a slasher film, see "While She Was Out."   

Shark Warning, A Great White Shark and Fish Sandwiches

Don't wince!  We have a shark movie from our buddies at The Asylum. Regardless of plot, there are some important aspects of this film that deserve discussion. First, Angela Cole is cast as the bikini babe in peril. Her in a bikini is perfection and you will be very pleased. Point two...fish sandwiches! See, Lisa, played by Ms. Cole, makes the greatest fish sandwiches in the world.  Folks from all over the world arrive in Arizona to take a bite out of her fish sandwiches.  If you get anywhere near this character, she will push one of her fish sandwiches on you.  Sadly, these fish sandwiches are absolutely awful. Go to McD's and have their Filet-o-Fish instead. However, if your real goal is to see a sultry blonde in a bikini, go get one of the aforementioned sandwiches. Our feature today is 2024's "Shark Warning," directed by Jimmy Gadd.

Fish sandwiches? Pertinent to the plot.  Well, yes, I have to give it that.  The first half of this film is dominated by Lisa pushing these sandwiches. Sadly, no one wants to tell the bikini babe they aren't any good. Still, her bikini scenes are top notch. Our bikini babe is third billed, the top two are David Chokachi as Uncle Ron, and Andrew J. Katers as the useless and grouchy hunk Alan. We desire both these dolts to be eaten. Frankly, Lisa could do a lot better than Alan. Omitting the backstory, Alan and Uncle Ron team up to try to murder a Great White shark in Lake Haversu.  When the bikini babe Sienna (Lauren Pike) is attacked, these two idiots go onto the lake, but not before meeting with a heavy arms dealer, the bikini-clad Lisa. The price? Lisa insists on going, too.  See, Sienna is her sister.

What does one wear on a shark hunt? A red string bikini, and Lisa does it well. Also hunting the shark, not including the schmucks who have already tried and failed, is Mayor Wendy Stuart (Rebecca Ritz).  She is a Nancy Pelosi look-a-like, hence we cheer for her to get eaten. Wait!  A Great White on lake Havasu in the middle of Arizona? Just go with it, this is after all The Asylum. The shark is a big one and both Alan and Ron have a history with it that dates back 20 years. Lisa? Yep, she'll fall in the lake, get all wet, and be in much peril.

That's enough of the plot.  Back to those fish sandwiches...if you see this movie, get ready to be deluged with a lot of dialogue centering on those fish sandwiches. True, this film has a great shark, too. For a bikini babe that should have made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches instead of those rancid fish sandwiches, see "Shark Warning."

 

Blood Barn, The Evil Dead Reimagined?

Wait! Really? Sam Raimi's classic 1981 "The Evil Dead"? Right.  I know, you are saying "Don't tell me there is a scene where a monster tree rapes someone with its roots." Well, let's just say, watch this film. Obviously influenced by that aforementioned movie, also the works of Lucio Fulci...and John Carpenter's "Prince of Darkness." Mash them all together and we have the 2025 Gabriel Bernini film, "Blood Barn." Even the car they drive is a throwback to the Raimi classic. Yes...there are amorous tree roots in this one, too.

Okay, the pretty Josie (Lena Redford) and her six friends are going to spend the weekend at her grandmother's farm. The kids graduated and will all disperse to college soon. Her bestie is the blonde skank Rachel (Chloe Cherry) who hopes to be nailed by hunk Eric (Samuel Lanier) this weekend. Amanda (Bambina) is a weird babe, kind of Goth, but not quite. She is comfortable in deviance. Simon (Simon Paris) will eventually fall in love with Josie. There are more but they have "die horribly" written on their foreheads. Oh, something happened long ago and ghosts abound, or demons, and want to claim Josie. When a weird chest is opened in the neighboring barn, evil is set free. Possession occurs and a slimy tentacled creature arises. Also arising are tree roots that burrow underground, grab you by the ankles, drag you into the woods, and...well, you'll see.

This film serves as a demon possession film, a creature feature, and a slasher film all in one. The creature loves burrowing into one's skin and...well, you'll see. Amanda, the weird one, will be possessed first as she is raped by the tentacled thing in the bathtub. Happens. One by one the high school grads fall in horrible ways. Simon and Josie get close and what they will then experience will be bloody, evil, and quite disgusting.  The pretty Rachel will man-up, grab a hoe when Josie grabs a rake, and together they set out to war against the tree roots. Simon will have his own problems as tree rape seems to be in his future.  Where does this all lead? You'll see.

Will Josie emerge, just as Ash did in "The Evil Dead"? Wait, Ash didn't really make it out of that movie. Will Simon find true love with Josie, or with the tree?  Will the blonde skank Rachel survive this film even though she had pre-marital sex with Eric earlier? Eric didn't.  This is a fun one and if you are a fan of Lucio Fulci and "The Evil Dead," see "Blood Barn."  

Young Blondes, Stalked and Murdered, Heartbreak and Blood

Oh, to be a young aspiring actress in LA! Exciting? probably not. Scary? Probably. You lose your connection to who you really are and search for someone you are expected to be. What results is vulnerability and helplessness...then maybe you go psychotic...and then die.  Okay, our film today has an ominous tone and a promise for a vicious ending.  It is also the magnum opus of a fine young actress, Samantha Carroll, who knocks home a role similar to Catherine Deneuve's role in "Repulsion." Let us look at 2024's "Young Blondes, Stalked and Murdered," directed by Nick Funess.

Stacy (Carroll) is an aspiring actress who moved to LA from Minneapolis...and it ain't happening for her. She's pretty...but in LA you need to be beautiful. She's awkward and just a bit too desperate. Her friend the beautiful and not desperate Josie (Elle Chapman), takes pity on her and sends a role her way. This will go as awkward as anything else in Stacy's life. Josie has friends, and maybe a boyfriend.  Josie has roles and a social life.  Stacy has only her fears, vulnerability, and desperation. Oh, as a backdrop, young blonde actresses are being felled by a serial killer. Oddly, Stacy sees this as some sort of recognition.  Recognition is something that Stacy's life lacks.

As the film progresses, Stacy falls more and more into a psychosis that will ruin her if she doesn't get it checked.  Her actions get more and more anti-social.  She loves horror films, especially "The Driller Killer."  I know...our kind of babe. She's obsessed with great blonde actresses of yesteryear. Josie inches ahead in her career, and Stacy inches backwards.  Backwards from...nothing, that is. We fear for Stacy as we think we know her fate.  But, is her lack of success actually saving her form something?  Anyway, there is a killer on the loose and as the film draws to its ending...he gets closer.

Is Stacy going to survive the serial killer and/or herself?  Will Stacy act out in her jealousy of Josie?  Is there any way humanly possible that Stacy will land a part?  We like Stacy...she's really pretty and she likes horror films.  Our heart breaks for her as we surmise what her acting future holds. We are horrified as she appears on a collision course with a vicious killer. This is a hard one to watch, but if you liked "Repulsion," "Young Blondes, Stalked and Murdered" would be a terrific companion piece to it.