Whisper Kill, Loni Anderson as a Psycho

Loni Anderson, the star of "WKRP in Cincinnati," was unquestionably the blonde bombshell of the 1980s.  She would eventually marry Burt Reynolds.  Though she played a bimbo secretary, the actress desired not to be type-cast as one.  A slasher?  Really?  Loni Anderson as a female Michael Myers.  Would that work?  Would it even work in a TV movie? Let us look at a 1988 TV movie starring our blonde bombshell, in a non-bimbo role. Our feature today is "Whisper Kill" (aka "Whisperkill"), directed by Christian Nyby II. He had just directed "Hill Street Blues" for the previous four years. Oh, his dad did some "Gilligan's Island," and "The Thing from Another World."

Liz (Anderson) runs a small town newspaper.  He partner and one-night stand Jerry is gutted by a brutal killer. Liz, embarrassed that she got drunk and let him have pre-marital sex with her did not like her partner...and even had motive to kill him. The killer calls his victims and in a muffled voice tells them they are next. If Jerry dies, Liz gets control of the entire paper, debt free. Dan (Joe Penny) arrives...hunk out of work reporter. He was coming to visit Jerry now dedicates his effort to finding the killer. Liz hesitantly hires Dan as a reporter. The two will have much pre-marital sex together as Liz will spend a great deal of the film in bed or in her impressive undies and lingerie. Joe is entranced by Liz and her beauty, even though he thinks she is the killer.  The killings continue and Dan has found out they actually began many years ago.  He also finds out if someone slept with Liz...they were murdered.

Dan is a good reporter and gets close to Liz.  They have pre-marital sex more often. Uh oh...Dan finds out Liz is under psychiatric care, was in a mental asylum, and killed her dad when she was 16. Uh oh, the schmuck (Joe Lerer) who owns the rival newspaper in town, is gutted by the same killer. Uh oh, Dan strong arms Liz' psychiatrist (Jeremy Slate) for information about Liz.  Dan also finds Liz' wealthy mother, a "Dear Abby" type personality, Winnie (June Lockhart).  Winnie provides Dan with more information about the raging nymphomaniac newspaper editor babe. Now Dan has gotten a call...while having pre-marital sex with Liz. Does this mean Liz is not the killer?  Nope. You'll see...but now Dan is convinced Liz is not the killer.  More die by the hands of the knife wielding killer. 

Is Liz really the killer, or is this too easy?  Can we blame Dan for having a lot of pre-marital sex with the nymphomaniac Liz...after all...it is Loni Anderson?  Will Dan's gutting be the end of this film, or is there a horrific twist that awaits?  This is a good one, and Loni Anderson provides some nice gratuitous underwear and lingerie action.  For a terrific TV movie from the 80s, heavy on the eroticism, see "Whisper Kill."  

The Face of Marble, Forerunner to Re-Animator

1985's "Re-Animator" was a perfect horror film. Directed by Stuart Gordon from an H.P. Lovecraft story, the gore-a-thon was just so much fun. Jeffrey Combs was the perfect mad scientist and Barbara Crampton's performance was the best scream queen portrayal of all time.  39 years earlier, this exact film was made and I'm sure you never saw it.  Today we look at 1946's "The Face of Marble," directed by William Beaudine and starring John Carradine as the mad scientist.

Dr. Charles Randolph (Carradine) had come up with a serum and machine that cures...death! Imagine that. Well...the process has not quite been perfected.  As the film begins, he and his hunk assistant, Dr. David Cochran (Robert Shayne) are trying to bring a corpse back to life...and it reanimates! The corpse, now living, has no facial expression and advances on the two doctors like it wants to murder them. Saved by a lightning  bolt...well timed, indeed. Now the two look to perfect the experiment but need...a corpse. Meanwhile, Charles' wife, the beautiful Elaine (Claudia Drake), unbeknownst to Charles, loves David. Uh oh...Elaine's devoted servant, Maria (Rosa Rey), does voodoo and casts spells to make David fall in love with Elaine.  This doesn't work. Oh, in Charles' desire for a corpse, he murders Elaine's huge hound and him and David bring it back to life. The hound is no longer friendly but a snarling devil dog that can pass through walls and doors as if it were a ghost.

Uh oh...surprise! The beautiful Linda (Maris Wrixon) visits. She is David's fiancé. Maria panics as she needs David to fall in love with Elaine. She'll try to murder Linda but accidentally kills Elaine. David and Charles rush Elaine's corpse to the lab and the duo do their thing and back from the dead is Elaine...sort of. Elaine is kind of...changed, and has similar attributes to her resurrected hound.  Now more murders will grace Dr. Randolph's mansion and a nosy detective (Thomas E. Jackson) investigates. Linda better be careful as Maria is still bent on uniting Elaine and David with love rituals.  Yep, Charles better be careful, too.

Will Linda and Elaine engage in a catfight while wearing negligees, in bed? Ha! No, I'm not being gratuitous!  Fooled you...THEY DO!!! Will the resurrected Elaine murder David or Charles?  Will Brutus the hound rip anyone's throat out?  This is a good one and almost the exact same film as the aforementioned 1985 classic.  See "The Face of Marble" and enjoy some negligee clad beauties in great peril.     

Megaboa, Big Snake Eats College Kids

Eric Roberts! Gotta like that!  Something about him just brings a smile to my face and makes me say, "I need to see that movie!" He's in this...and get this...he's in it for a substantial amount of scenes and lines. Today we have one from Syfy and The Asylum...yes! Whether its a boa or an anaconda, what is the difference?  Our feature today is 2021's "Megaboa," directed by Mario N. Bonassin.

Let's get one thing straight...it's a jungle. Not rain forest.  Jungle. So there...I said it. On an island off the coast of Columbia a big snake (like 60 feet long) eats Rex (Ray Acevedo).  His buddy, Joaquin (Joe Herrera) runs away...smart. On the beach, Professor Malone (Roberts) and his grad students have been dropped off.  They are going to take pics regarding prehistoric life that used to infest this jungle. His students? Allison (Michelle Elizabeth O'Shea), a sultry soldier girl pines for all those that never came home...yawn. The nerd and peacenik Grace (Emilia Torello)...we desire her to get eaten.  Hunk Adam (Garrett Schulte), a veritable seven on the hunk scale.  Benji (Vimala Veera), a brainiac who operates drones.  On their first night, Joaquin runs into camp panicked with tales of a big snake...the boa, not his. Bad news...Malone gets bitten by a spider and has 36 hours to live.

Mission...save Malone. Joaquin knows of an orchid that will save Malone's life.  He, Allison, Adam, Grace, and Jake (Jadon Cal Fitzpatrick) head into the JUNGLE to get the orchid. Oh, I didn't mention Jake. He'll get eaten first and regurgitated.  That's how I want to go! Uh oh...the orchid is up a tree and in the middle of hundreds of big boas.  Uh oh again, the really big boa arrives. Now the team must figure out a way to get the orchid, kill the big snake, and get back to Malone and save his life. Hence, you have an epic Syfy Channel movie! Oh...it'll get better when the giant spider in flames rears its ugly head. When the flaming arachnid battles the megeboa, it is such a beautiful sight. More snakes join the fracas ands also hunt the merry band of grad students and Joaquin.

Will Professor Malone be saved by the orchid?  Will any of his students make it back uneaten? Will Allison stop worrying about all those who didn't make it back long enough to see to it that her and her mates...make it back?  Over-the-top performances and a very likable character created by Eric Roberts are the highlights of this CGI heavy film.  If you like hunks, babes, big monsters, little monsters, and Syfy Channel films, see "Megaboa."  

The Incredible Petrified World, Prelude to a Catfight

I don't know why John Carradine films never get a rating on IMDB of above a 3.0 out of 10.  I mean if Diane Keaton's "Mrs. Soffel" gets a 6.1/10, then our feature today should get an 18! Yeah, there are monsters.  The film does begin with a death fight between a shark and an octopus. More importantly, the two babes in this film give one another the once over then steadily draw closer and  closer to one of those catfights in which they're pulling hair and scratching at one another's eyes. Babes stuck in unknown worlds can only lead to one thing...catfights. Let us look at 1959's "The Incredible Petrified World" (a much better film than "Mrs. Soffel"), directed by Jerry Warren.

Professor Millard Wyman (John Carradine) has invented an undersea dive bell. The oceanographer will send four peeps thousands of feet underwater to study unknown, and maybe still existing prehistoric species. Prof. Wyman brings his bell near the Florida Keys and is ready to lower it.  On board will be hunk Craig (Robert Clarke), his soon-to-be GF Lauri (Sheila Noonan), the reproterette/photographerette Dale (Phyllis Coates), and the dweeb Paul (Allen Windsor). Oh, just before getting in the bell, Dale receives a Dear Joan telegram from a guy who tells her to get lost and he hopes she'll drown and be eaten by fish. Many of us can relate to those sentiments, I'm sure. They dive and the cable snaps sending the bell on a freefall for thousands of feet. Before running out of air, the 4 divers don SCUBA suits, leave the bell, and make it to a series of underwater caves.

After an uneventful meeting with a Komodo dragon, the gang pairs up for mating purposes, Craig and Lauri and then Dale and Paul. Paul's a dweeb and Craig is a hunk so Dale is determined to scratch Lauri's eyes out.  Watching all this is some old guy (Maurice Bernard) who has been stuck in the caves for 14 years. He wants Dale as a mate but Dale is not happy about this. After talking to Dale for a few seconds, the old cave guy now wants to murder and eat her. On the surface, Dr. Wyman has not given up efforts to rescue his divers.  He's a good man and fortunately never really got to know Dale.  If he had, the professor may have decided to leave them down there.

Will Dale annihilate Lauri or vice versa?  Will Prof. Wyman be able to find and rescue his divers? Are there any mud pits in these underground caves in which Dale and Lauri can have a catfight in? This very entertaining adventure/scifi film is a lot of fun, so make sure and see "The Incredible Petrified World."

Hippo's Revenge, CGI Hippos!

CGI hippos? Why not? We've had CGI anacondas.  CGI dinosaurs. Heck, Biden was a CGI president.  Well, as bad as this movie is, it isn't as bad as Biden. Today we look at 2025's "Hippo's Revenge," directed by Sam P. Green.  Yep, where are Joel and the 'bots when you need them?  In all fairness, the final 45 seconds of this film is...well...what the first 81 minutes should have been.

Crispin (Jason Bailey)...idiot extraordinaire, runs a safari preserve in the middle of England.  His wife died...lucky her. Now he runs it with his idiot daughter Bug (Jenna Wilson), and his GF Aluna (Evyn George).  We meet all them and desire their demises. Okay, Crispin has just had a mother and baby hippo sent from Kenya.  During the process, mother hippo murdered two dockworkers...stomped on them. Now the hippos belong to Crispin and they have a large area to roam at the dullest safari park imaginable. Also on the preserve is dweeb Daniel (Tom Marchant).  Bug likes him but we don't.  The hippos?  Cute? Dull!  This is a movie in which you will develop a new found appreciation for poachers.  Then mother hippo bites the arm off Mr. Rogers (Richard Bobb-Semple)...he probably had it coming. 

Hippo carnage.  Most of it by stomping on heads or torsos. Okay, some nefarious people in England also want the hippos...why?  Because people in England have gotten real stupid since Tony Blair.  Go figure. The invading thugs converge on the preserve led by the idiot Sidney (Michael Hoad).  The guy has a beer gut and gets beat up by women, you'll see.  Him and his merry band of imbeciles then try to herd the hippos into a truck.  As you can imagine, this goes about as well as Starmer's economic policies. Crispin, Bug, Daniel, and Aluna?  They try to defend the preserve and the hippos not  realizing the hippos don't like them either.  But...to the credit of this film...the final minute is okay.

If you can do CGI hippos, why didn't the makers of this film select an animal we actually cared about... like a giant tarantula?  Is everyone in England as stupid as the characters in this film?  Is having your head crushed by the foot of a hippo a metaphor of what the Labour Party is doing to a once proud nation?  There is probably more of a market for this film than there is for that "Avatar" sequel, so let's not be too critical.  For hippo carnage, see "Hippo's Revenge."   

The Night of the Scorpion, Perverts, Deviants, and Murder

A veritable cacophony of deviance and perversion. Yep, we have an Italian/Spanish slasher production. Or, as we like to call it, a Giallo/Euro-Trash co-production. There is a heavy sexual theme, and none of it is wholesome sex. With a cast of characters we can call deviants and perverts, and a slasher, and sultry Euro-Babes, and an amnesiac hunk, and a nubile innocent babe, and a babe in a coffin, we have a goodie today.  Let us look at the sickly erotic 1972 film, "The Night of the Scorpion," directed by Alfonso Balcazar.

Okay, as the film opens, Euro-Babe Helen (Gioia Desideri) is being buried.  She just died, or was murdered. By who? At the funeral are her husband, the hunk Oliver (Jose Antonio Amor), Oliver's sister Jenny (Teresa Gimpera), and Sara (Nuria Torray). Oh, the sultry Sara was the wife of Oliver's late dad. Okay, so here goes...Jenny was also Helen's lesbian lover.  Sara, after her husband died, found comfort with Oliver in his bed. Total deviance. Oliver, an alcoholic, with blackouts, left the mansion and returns a year later...with his new bride Ruth (Daniela Giordano). Sara was upset he left as she is madly in love with Oliver...and still is, even as Ruth is the new mistress of the mansion. Jenny hates Ruth, too. As you can imagine. Oliver is now sober, that won't last. Sara is forever trying to seduce Oliver again. She spies, through a peephole, on Ruth and Oliver having steamy sex.

Yep...we need a slasher...and he, or she arrives. Throats will be cut.  Secrets will be protected.  Oliver struggles with his memory and does not know if Helen died of an accident or if he murdered her. Flashbacks reveal he caught Helen and his sister having steamy sex. Ruth gets suspicious as no one tells her anything and hires a private eye (Osvaldo Genazzani)...he won't get far in his investigation. Ah! I forgot to mention the sultry French maid, Clara (Alicia Tomas). She knew and liked Helen very much. How much? Get your mind out of the gutter. We like Clara...she seems very clean cut and looks sultry in her French maid outfit. Okay, whoever the killer is, he or she gets ambitious and even the beautiful will begin dying horribly. Now Ruth is prevented from leaving as Sara keeps spying on her in the marital bed.

Just who is the killer, and might it be Ruth...or maybe Helen is not really dead?  Will Jenny attempt to seduce Oliver's new wife just as she did his first wife?  Will Sara convince her stepson that she is the only woman who is woman enough for him?  Total deviance with no break through out the 90 minutes of this film.  For an erotic European slasher/horror goodie, see "The Night of the Scorpion."   

Frenzy, Sharks and Vlogs

"Frenzy"? Yep...and no, not the Hitchcock one. A shark movie from our buddies at Syfy! A Syfy Original we have today with three great big great whites. The cast? Babes and hunks. Their chances of surviving? Nil. Still, before calling this film hokey, corny, and stupid, I might remind you the ending to "Jaws" was actually not possible. Myth Busters proved that. But we have babes in bikinis and wetsuits, and toothy menaces. Our feature today is 2018's "Frenzy" (aka "Surrounded"), directed by Jose Montesinos.

The beautiful Paige (Gina Vitori), an extreme explorer, has a Vlog with millions of followers. Her and her team are going swimming with the sharks in a South Pacific locale...or that's their aim. Along for the ride is Paige's younger sister Lindsey (Aubrey Reynolds) who is also a babe and is frequently bikini clad. Seb (Taylor Jorgensen) is Lindsey's BF and he's a hunk, and is also banging Paige...cad! Then there are two throwaways, Kahaia (Lanett Tachel) and Evan (Michael S. New)...shark food. They take a private plane, with its beacon turned off, and go under the radar to a secret location. There, the plane breaks in the air and now all on bord are in the ocean, scattered. We see Lindsey first. She comes to the surface and seems to be alone.  She's not. Nope...three great whites are nearby and have already eaten the pilot.

Scared, Lindsey calls for her buddies and Kahaia soon appears. She'll be eaten as Lindsey finds a raft and climbs in. Seb also appears...and last for about a minute before he's eaten. Where's Paige? No sign of her. The sharks begin attacking the inflatable raft and Lindsey rows toward a small cove on an islet. Now the sharks converge on her and she remembers the past few days in flashbacks. Sex with Seb. Her sister double-crossing her. Learning SCUBA. How to kill 20-foot great whites. Wait...okay, so she picks the last one up on the fly. As the sharks hunt her, Lindsey makes up her mind...kill the maneaters before they eat her. Good plan and it allows for gritty  realism to seep into this film. 

Where is Paige?  Can Lindsey kill a total of 60 feet worth of great whites all by her lonesome self? Will the sharks be as impressed with this influencer wannabe as we are? Surprises and heartbreak abound. The ending will be such a beautiful thing and 100% realistic...well, maybe 20%.  For some fun, and if you enjoy Syfy Originals, see "Frenzy."