Return to Splatter Farm, Slasher by the Book

Has anyone noticed that Clint Eastwood makes a lot of movies lately with highly original plots.  It should also be pointed out that those plots are ones no one in there right minds would desire to see. Come on, let us be honest.  "Cry Macho" should never have been made.  Someone tell this guy to stop! When in doubt...and listen up, Clint!...make a slasher film!  We want to see slasher films!  Not twisted idiocy that masquerades as cinematic art.  Hence 2020's "Return to Splatter Farm," directed by some of this blog's favorite peeps, Jeff Kirkendall and Mark Polonia.

Something awful happened at a rural Pennsylvania farm, 30 years ago.  A bunch of campers and youngsters were beheaded or gutted...happens.  The perp? Jeremy (Kirkendall)...an he's still loose.  Bobbi (Danielle Donahue) is the only living heir and inherits the farm.  Now her and four of her buddies head to claim the inheritance and help Bobbi clean it out so she can move in.  Her buddies are suitable for decapitation and disembowelment, but good peeps nonetheless.  Of course, Jeremy still resides in the barn and slices up couples who wonder in there to make out or have pre-marital sex. We see a lot of slasher action, including guttings and decapitations...and pre-marital sex not ending well (as if it ever does).

Bobbi explores the farm with her best buddy, Daphne (Maria De Lorenzo) and Jeremy sees them.  Now Jeremy turns his attention to Bobbi's party.  The other three include Brad (Nico Bryant), a football player...Liz, a skank...and Gopher, a stoner.  Worry not, other babes will find their way to the farm for the sole purpose of gratuitous shower scenes...gritty reality.  Jeremy has a field day and I must say, we sort of are rooting him on.  As hunks and babes die horribly...some in orgasmic conflagrations...so sweet, we plead with the screen that the nubile Bobbi will be spared.

Will the nubile Bobbi be a final girl, or merely the final kill?  How many of us identify as a Jeremy type in this increasingly polarized existence here in America?  Is there ever a bad time to throw in a gratuitous shower scene in any movie (hear that Clint!)?  Classic slasher tropes spring at us in this very refreshing film.  So if you had to endure "Bronco Billy" or "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" (gag me with a spoon!), treat yourself to "Return to Splatter Farm."  

Cruel Summer, This Won't Be Easy to Watch

Oh no! You'll be uttering that short phrase almost as soon as this film begins.  From the first couple of minutes after the opening credits, it is clear what is about to transpire. The viewer will stay tuned as he prays he is wrong.  What unfolds is sordid and depraved.  What's even worse...we'll all think the same thing, is 2016's "Cruel Summer" an apt metaphor for what western civilization does to decent folk who may be just a little different than ourselves?  Directed by Phillip Escott and Craig Newman, "Cruel Summer" is an important film that will cause us all to look into ourselves and our ability for compassion and love.

Danny (Richard Pawulski) is an autistic teenager.  He is set to leave solo for a camping weekend in which he will earn merit badges for putting up a tent, making a fire, catching fish, and enduring the wilderness.  He is a better man than I.  His very sweet parents (Grace Dixon and  Gary Knowles) are so proud...and worried.  Danny is pure and kind hearted and the nature landscape he will venture into welcomes him.  Uh oh...not everyone at his high school is kind.  Three scum of the Earth vermin are up to no good.  Julia (Natalie Martins) wants Nick (Danny Miller) to be her boyfriend.  She concocts a story that Nick's old GF was raped by autistic Danny.  She further convinces Nick that Danny is a serial pedophile.  All lies.  Neer-do-well Calvin (Reece Douglas) joins this duo.

Nick, upset his old GF dumped him, decides to follow Danny into the wilderness and hack him to pieces.  Julia and Calvin tag along believing Nick will calm down and relent.  He doesn't.  Now the evil trio hunt Danny.  Of course they find him.  What follows will sicken you.  What follows can serve as a metaphor for how our advanced civilization treats those who may need just a little help.  What follows is how we view people that remind us of our shortcomings in charity and compassion.  What follows is brutal and disgusting.

This won't be an easy film to watch.  In a society which is coming dangerously close to dumping the developmentally disabled, the mentally ill, and octogenarians into veritable death camps, "Cruel Summer" is a believable tale that will stay with you.  Nowadays...evil and the grotesque is celebrated as purity and kindness are derided.  Think about that when you watch "Cruel Summer."

Psychos, Three Deranged Babes

Three psycho women...wait...okay, stop!  I hear you...you divorced guys, out there.  And NO!  Not all women are psychos! So, let us behave and put your previous relationship failures aside.  Now stop that.  No, 'psycho women' is not redundant!  Psycho or not, the three dames in this one are quite the babes...and being 'psycho' does not necessarily make you the bad guy.  Just look at The Son of Sam...okay...bad example...but you know what I mean.  Today we look at 2017's "Psychos," directed by Sandy Chukhadarian.  Oh yes, if you have a weak tummy...well, then you're a wuss.

A trio of babes begins receiving sordid emails.  The emails contain a video of them being tortured ten years ago.  These three strangers have a horrible past in common.  All three were abducted and tortured by a misogynistic sadist, Larry (Aubrey Wakeling).  Norma (Melissa Elena Jones) works at a daycare facility and loves to threaten children with torture.  JJ (Deniele Ramos Cloutier) is pre-med and can't wait to cut into humans...now, she just tortures little animals.  Sasha (Angelica Cassidy) is a deviant S & M skank...hardly ever sober.  The three deviants have reason to be deviant.  They all went through sexual torture and humiliation as young girls...and escaped.

Traumatized at the time, the lovelies were not able to help the cops catch this fiend.  Now Sasha finds her two cohorts for a revenge mission.  The plan?  Bust into Larry's house...get all the DVDs he took of them being tortured and raped...and kill Larry.  All revenge plans never go as anticipated.  The gals bicker...no kidding.  The girls don't work well together.  The girls get carried away and Larry is able to surprise them during their execution of aforementioned plan.  Now JJ, Sasha, and Norma get mean.  Fighting mad.  If you don't like torture porn, don't watch this film.  But wait!  Can you trust a psycho?  Can a psycho trust a psycho?  Larry may not be the only threat to the babe psychos...you'll see.

What are these three psycho lovelies capable of when given hacksaws and motive?  Will Larry allow them to escape a second time?  Does this trio have a prayer of coming away from this mission without becoming more psycho?  This is a gory one and the three stars are very alluring...unless you're Larry.  So... you disenfranchised men out there, the ones who are divorced or going through one, watch "Psychos" before you proceed with the belief you are up against the fairer sex.

Hatchet Jack, West Virginia Carnage

Gore, shock, and unbridled viciousness.  It all takes place in West Virginia...no, not any of the "Wrong Turn" films.  A better parallel would be George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead" or Tobe Hooper's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."  Pittsburgh area (West Virginia, actually) filmmakers create a movie with a cannibalistic killer seeking love and nutrients from those he abducts.  Perhaps a metaphor for many of our own existences. The story is semi-standard, but the beauty of 2008's "Hatchet Jack" is in the story telling.  Directed by Eddie Mahalick, this gore-fest will surely please during this Halloween season.

Two hunks and two babes depart Pittsburgh and travel to the wilderness of West Virginia to track down the legend of Hatchet Jack.  Jack murdered 18 with his hatchet and cut them up into little pieces.  Brian (Aaron Bernard) organized this outing and his girlfriend Nikki (Rebecca Hartley) is along for the ride...and probably some pre-marital sex.  Also along is Brian's best buddie, Mike (Mike Valley) and the beauty he hopes to make his girlfriend, Lori (Shayna Hickman).  The quartet are warned away from the woods by a creepy bartender but go forth anyway.  Their initial forages into the cursed wilderness are met with creepiness...you'll see.

So what's going on here? Sure...a bloody slasher film with a predictable plot.  Don't be fooled, Mr. Mahalick will introduce some ominous plot devices that weaves Hatchet Jack's plight with the Pittsburgh hunks and babes.  This won't bode well for the Pittsburgh kids.  Watch and listen closely for the backstories of Lori and Brian...perhaps those are more significant than initially they seem.  Yep...severed body parts, horrific torture and bondage, and one mean axe man will dot the landscape of this film.  But wait!  So will some ghostly apparitions that will be quite nightmarish.  Enough said...no spoilers here.

Will any of these hunks and babes make it back to Pittsburgh in one piece?  How about the nubile Lori?  Will Mike get to have pre-marital sex with her or does Hatchet Jack have dibs on her?  Did Major Harris receive a fair shot at quarterbacking in the NFL?  Creepy, ominous, gory, and vicious...see "Hatchet Jack" by clicking on the following YouTube link Hatchet Jack on YouTube .

The Sleeper, Nubile Sorority Babes Shredded by Psycho

Nubile sorority babes shredded by a psycho.  There are two ways to look at this. First...again?  Nothing new here.  Second...Yes!!!  As long as the sorority babes are in the throes of pre-marital sex...or in bikinis...or in a satin negligee...why not make this move?  However standard this plot is, aren't you glad the movie makers didn't make their version of "Beaches" or "Men Don't Leave"?  Hey!  Joe Bob Briggs has a cameo!  Today we look at 2012's "The Sleeper."

Amy (Brittany Belland) is a clean cut beauty.  She is asked to pledge a sorority filled with babes.  The studious beauty brings her babe roomie with her, Ava (Ali Ferda).  Oh! two years ago a maniac (Jason Jay Crabtree) hammered to death a pretty coed in bed.  Why? Who cares!  Amy and Ava make a great impression and are invited to join.  Cindy (Jessica Cameron) misses most of the party because she is having pre-marital sex with her boyfriend, Bobby (Paul Moon).  Bobby leaves and the maniac arrives and hammers Cindy to death in her bed.  The maniac has an M.O.  He makes obscene calls to the sorority and announces who is next.

Laurie (Jenna Fournier) is the chapter president.  She brings Ava and Amy to a bar for a really weird dance scene.  The maniac then pays visits to a bikini clad sorority sister and her boyfriend.  The results will be quite bloody and the bikini babe (Rianna Ballo) will be decapitated.  The kills are fantastic.  Twists? Nope! Gritty honesty...gotta love that.  Incompetent cops and a middle aged house mother will be useless to the plot unless they are murdered in gory fashion.  Now Amy, who might be the final girl, will be chased and terrorized and will eventually get to meet Joe Bob Briggs.

Will Amy, who will not have pre-marital sex in this film, survive the maniac?  Who is this maniac and why is he killing sorority girls?  Will there be mud wrestling matches or whipped cream and silly string fights?  Standard yes...but in a good way.  For some classic slasher action, see "The Sleeper."  

Prison of the Psychotic Damned, Ghosts in Old Railroad Station

You need fame and money...the only thing you know how to do is film documentaries.  So...do you film a documentary about the chronic bore Ruth Bader Ginsburg...or about the vicious ghosts that plague an abandoned railroad station?  Right!  Wait...who is Ruth Bader Ginsburg? See!  The penultimate problem about a documentary about vicious ghosts has always been...what if they are real?  Today we look at the 2006's "Prison of the Psychotic Damned," directed by D.W. Kann.

Rayna (Susan Adriensen) is a university professor filming the above noted documentary. With her is the nubile and perky Nessie (Noel Francomano), a fawning grad student...her cameraman, the crude Jason (James Vaughn)...a medium, the mysterious Aurora (Daiane Azura)...and the blonde junkie Kansas (Melantha Blackthorne).  We like Jason...he's crude and vulgar...enough said.  The gals are very unlikable and we wish for their gory demises.  The crew arrives at the old Buffalo Central Railroad Terminal...a very spooky and ominous setting.  The place has been closed since the 70s and at one time was used as an insane asylum where many insaniacs were tortured to death by sadistic doctors (a good metaphor for today's public health industry).

The gals bicker and yell at Jason...I know many of you guys out there can relate.  Then Aurora starts seeing gory and malicious ghosts everywhere.  One by one the crew separates from the team and end up hunted.  Now everyone sees visions of the dissection and torture of the insaniacs by the Anthony Fauci's of the 1970s.  The ghosts are malicious and what they have planned for the four babes and one semi-hunk is more of that dissection and torture they were subject to many decades ago.

Will Jason get any pre-marital sex with the four babes on his team?  Will the ghosts get any pre-marital sex with the babes on this documentary crew?  Just why are the four babes so grouchy?  Okay, I withdraw that last question.  Gory and loud, this film may be choppy but the old railroad terminal setting is perfect for this type of film.  See "Prison of the Psychotic Damned," and figure out if this film is an apt metaphor for 2021 America.

Desecrated, Warped Vet vs. Hunks and Babes

Yep...another story of someone who went over there to fight and came home a bit twisted.  Hollywood hates our vets and has never understood them.  Maybe that is why we will tend to cheer for our homicidal maniac as he hunts some college kids on spring break.  Today we look at 2015's "Desecrated," directed by Rob Federic.

As our film begins Ben (Gonzalo Menendez) has hunted down three not very innocent hikers.  He'll off them in gory fashion.  Ben?  He is the caretaker on Tom's (Michael Ironside) land.  Tom is a billionaire who frolics on yachts with bikini babes...but never mind this.  Tom's babe daughter, Allie (Haylie Duff) brings five friends to the wilderness estate for marijuana, pre-marital sex, and booze.  They find Ben and he is annoyed at the intrusion.  Ben is all military and the six college kids are not really into discipline or respect.  Ben begins his hunt.  He has rifles, pistols, land mines, daggers, and his fists. 

At first the kids think he is a bit strange but not a threat. Liz (Heather Sossaman) even wants to have pre-marital sex with him.  Sadly, Nina (Vera Rosada) is the first to go in very gory fashion.  No great loss, most of the college kids didn't like her.  See, Nina and her boyfriend Eduardo (Wilmer Calderon) discovered what Ben keeps in his secret shed...that made them inconvenient.  Now Evan (Gib Gerard) discovers his main squeeze, Allie, really only looks at him as a boy toy...his feelings are hurt.  No matter, Ben is getting meaner and less stealth in his hunting maneuvers.  Oh yes, we get Ben's real backstory...and it is horrific.

Do any of these hunks and babes have a chance at surviving Ben's wrath?  Will Liz get to have pre-marital sex with Ben and if so, will she survive it?  Will Allie shed a tear if her boy toy,  Evan, gets gutted by Ben?  The deaths are gory and sometimes heartbreaking as Ben emerges as a perfect killing machine.  For some neat college kids get shredded action...see "Desecrated."