The Alchemist, An Early Charles Band Offering

Before Full Moon Features was a thing, Charles Band made the film we will look at today. Maybe not quite as edgy and action-packed as the Full Moon features we know and love that were a staple of our Blockbuster video rentals in the 90s, but still an interesting one. This one stars the late Robert Ginty. The tall actor with the cute smirk portrays the most low-energy being ever captured by Charles Band in any of his films. Still, we like him, and if we were cursed through all of time, we'd be low-energy, too. Let us look at 1983's "The Alchemist."

You'll see the back story that dates back to 1871. An evil magician/alchemist, DelGatto (Robert Glaudini) entrances a babe (Lucinda Dooling), and the babe's husband, Aaron (Ginty), rushes to the rescue. Doesn't go well, and the babe dies. DelGatto is so furious, he curses Aaron with the unusual curse of never being able to die and having to kill to stay alive. Here we are in 1955 now and Aaron roams the woods killing deer in order to stay alive. He becomes a monster every night. He lives with his daughter Esther (Viola Kates Stimpson). Esther is an elderly woman and Aaron never ages...kind of like a "Highlander" motif. Enter a recently fired waitress, Lenora (also played by Dooling). She is driving across country and has weird visions of her death back in 1855...she has no idea what these visions are, but both Aaron and eventually DelGatto will see her as the fair maiden slaughtered back in 1855.

Lenora picks up a sweet hitchhiker, the unassuming Cam (John Sanderford). He soon realizes Lenora is mental and wants to be let out of the car. Because Lenora is so pretty, he agrees to stay and Lenora is mysteriously guided off road, through the woods, to Aaron's and Esther's cabin. There, both Cam and Lenora will be caught in an ages old battle between the evil alchemist DelGatto and the cursed Aaron. Aaron sees Lenora as the wife who died so many years ago and loves her.  Cam loves Lenora, though he's just being stupid. Worst of all, DelGatto, who dwells in Hell, loves Lenora. Now DelGatto opens a portal to Hell to lure Lenora through and Cam and Aaron must work together to protect Lenora, kill DelGatto and his demons, and then figure out who will get the entranced Lenora.

Would Cam be wise to run away and find some other babe who's issues don't have anything to do with demons and portals to Hell?  I mean, Lenora is a babe, but there are sultrier ones out there. Will DelGatto and Aaron have a rematch and if so, will Lenora be killed again? Will the return of his wife and the demon that is his nemesis manage to animate the low energy Aaron? Not the best Charles Band film, but it is pre-Full Moon.  Still, a fast-paced horror yarn which is, at very least, enjoyable.     

Sick: Survive the Night, Virus Turns Infected Into Zombies

Yep, another zombie film. The dead come back to life...or, at least, the infected turn into the flesh-eaters. In 2012, zombies were still in as "The Walking Dead" was still a thing. Today's feature is a lurid one with no break from the dread and carnage.  This is one of those that if you watched with someone, you could have loved it and your friend would have hated it. I liked it a lot for a few reasons. Most notably, Debbie Rochon is in it!  Our feature today is 2012's "Sick: Survive the Night," directed by Ryan M. Andrews.

The outbreak happened and spread fast throughout the globe. The infected quickly turn to flesh eating zombies. Outside there are zombies, small communities of heavily armed survivors who are scavenging supplies, and finally the vultures. These vultures are as dangerous as the infected and they rob and kill the survivors for those same supplies. Ah, but there is a fourth group...the scientific community holed up in laboratories around the world trying to come up with a cure. Now it is time for all of these groups to meet. Seph (Richard Ray Sutton) is a hunk grouch who yells at everyone. His right hand man is McKay (Robert Nolan), another grouch who yells at everyone. They are not very good and soon all their survivor partners are eaten and these two run away. Oh, nearby is a lab where Dr. Leigh Rozetta, a babe, is helping Dr. Fehmi (Rochon) come up with a cure. Leigh doesn't seem too competent but we like her because she is kind of pretty. Also at the lab are some grouchy soldiers. Oh, there is the babe Claudia (Jennifer Polansky), Leigh's aid and maybe lesbian lover.

Okay, for some strange reason, Leigh sneaks out of the lab to find samples. There she runs into the grouchy McKay and Seph. The trio yell at one another, then the zombies come, and all run to Leigh's house. She lived nearby before the apocalypse. There, Leigh finds her dead parents and with Seph's help gives them a burial in the backyard. Now McKay yells at them because they appear to be getting sweet on one another. The Zombies eventually arrive and the trio must barricade in the ruins of this house. Meanwhile, Dr. Fehmi lets us in on breakthroughs, though the chances for a cure are still remote. Uh oh, surprises abound and we are let in on Leigh's true motivations for leaving the lab and Seph and McKay get grouchier.

Will Dr. Fehmi find a cure?  Will Seph and Leigh continue to fall in love?  Will McKay learn to smile and enjoy life amongst the backdrop of an apocalypse? The movie ends up being a horrific watch and homage is paid to Romero's "Night of the Living Dead" in a few plot points.  For a lurid zombie film, and Debbie Rochon as a mad scientist, see "Sick: Survive the Night." 

Axes and Os, Jamie Bernadette in a Bikini with a Crossbow

Jamie Bernadette in a bikini wielding a crossbow!? I know, you are asking yourself why you haven't seen this movie yet! By the way, she has some nice abs. Her aim isn't so great, but we can forgive her for that. Technically we have a film about four bikini babes terrorized by a hulking slasher at a cabin in the wilderness.  Technically.  In reality we have a gratuitous jaunt into horror with some nice cheese, great kills, and a bit of a twist which is heavy on metaphor.  Did I mention Jamie Bernadette is in this and she is clad in a bikini and has a crossbow? Our feature today is 2024's "Axes and Os," directed by Trent Duncan.

Our hulking killer is Luther (Brandon Krum). He kills bikini babes and whatever hunks try to protect them. He axes the babes and rips their hearts out on Valentine's Day weekend. That was 21 years ago and he's back. Enter bikini babe Olivia (Madison M. Bowman), she is on psyche meds because her beaux cheated on her, or that is the implication. Her bestie Leah (Cass Huckabay) is trying to cheer her up and arranges a gals weekend...no guys. Also going is Abby (Bernadette) who is all attitude, and the nymphomaniac hunk magnet Dawn (Sara Wimmer). They unknowingly rent the cabin in which Luther killed a bunch of babes in over 20 years ago. Luther is back. He has axes, hatchets, and blades...and is a hulking guy who smells pheromones from miles away.

After many gory kills, he comes across Dawn receiving it doggie style from Olivia's two-timing boyfriend (Jake Nuttall). These two kills will be very gory. Now three bikini babes remain and Abby grabs a crossbow that used to belong to a commando babe (Noemi Cabrere) who was done in earlier by Luther.  The hulking fiend is aggressive and Leah promises Olivia to look out for her. A lot of jiggling, bouncing, and gratuitous bikini-babe-dripping wet scenes occur.  Now Luther is determined to go in for the final kills and the babes are helpless, largely because of Abby's bad aim...unless one of the bikini babes is more than just a bikini babe...you'll see.

Will Abby go full Rambo and save her buddies?  Is the helplessness of the bikini babes a bad stereotype or a mere diversion from something more nefarious?  If Abby's aim is so bad, are either Leah or Olivia equipped to battle Luther?  The twist at the end is hinted at throughout the entire film, but even with no twist, we do have a film with a bikini clad Jamie Bernadette wielding a crossbow and displaying some great abs. See "Axes and Os," and try to figure out how you could have missed this masterpiece up until now.

The Inn, Slasher remake of Two Classics

One may wonder if today's film is a trailer trash remake of the 1932 Greta Garbo film "Grand Hotel," or the 1967 Arthur Hailey written film "Hotel." Sure the characters in this film have bigger...er smiles!  They bleed a lot more.  They lose their spines and internal organs faster. Still, the drama and personal angst of these characters is identical.  Sure, Greta Garbo wanted "to be alone." But in our film today, babes with bigger...er smiles...desired to be left whole. Same thing, at least metaphorically.  Also, I have been to Dunedin, Florida dozens of times and I must say no other film has ever captured the essence of this weird and twisted place. So let us look at this 2025 movie, filmed in Dunedin, and not starring Greta Garbo (though she probably would have jumped at the chance to be in it given the chance), "The Inn," directed by Kevin Beganovic and Sloan Losch.

A word of warning, unlike "Grand Hotel," this film begins with a massacre numbering 31. The gore is the highlight of this film as babes will be strangled and hung by their own intestines, have their implants cut off, and much more. Our killer, Sandman (Brandon Yates), will pull spring breakers skin off, rip them in half lengthwise and widthwise, rip faces off, pull spines out, and much more. The gore f/x are terrific. Okay, Sandman is a serial killer who goes from motel to motel murdering spring breakers...I know, a noble goal.  That aforementioned massacre? Not the last one in this film. By the time a character survives more than 30 seconds once being introduced, we emerge with big...er, big smiled Dani (Aimee Rolfsen). She is a policewoman getting ready to be divorced.  

After the first 55 gory killings, you'll see them all, she teams up with two stoner employees of the motel, Brian (Connor Holden) and Sam (Dan Winkowski). They both want to boink her, but she is way out of their league. She looks very boinkable...but will The Sandman think so? There will be a twist that makes this a relevant question, you'll see. Oh yes, the two cops, Sheriff Daniels (Eric Daniel) and Detective Cain (Jeshua Vargas) will be driven mad by this fiend as he goes from motel to motel massacring every spring break guest! Okay, that's enough, you get the picture.

Will Dani and her two drooling buddies escape the wrath of The Sandman? What is the motivation for the Sandman?  Is this film a thinly veiled metaphor of what the Biden Administration did to to our country? This may be the goriest film you will see all year, and if you have ever been to Dunedin, Florida, you will love "The Inn." See "The Inn" and find out if the sultry Aimee Rolfsen will suffer the same fate Greta Garbo did in "Grand Hotel."   

Shark Terror, Babe in Underwear vs. Shark!

Prussian Army officer Karl von Clausewitz on November 15, 1831 (the day before his death) is quoted as saying, "The ultimate war will someday be fought by nubile-babes in their underwear."  The esteemed strategist then downed another mead, left the public house, and shortly after midnight was killed by a horse drawn carriage riding dancing girls back to their boarding house. Okay, today we have that battle Mr. Clausewitz was speaking of. The nubile in her underwear is Carly Medina, who possesses great big... er, a great big smile. To date, this served as Ms. Medina's magnum opus. A reincarnation of one of those dancing girls in the coach back in 1831? You decide. Our feature today is 2025's "Shark Terror," directed by Christopher Nolan...wait! No, directed by Mario N. Bonassin. I always get those two confused.

Never a good idea...babes on a naval vessel. But, guess who the captain is! Yep, Michael Pare! The babes? Molly (Sarah Lieving) and her daughter, the big...the nubile with the big smile Kendall (Medina). Why are they on the USS Campbell? Clausewitz had similar questions in 1831. Three thugs bag Molly and Kendall's room for jewels, get caught by Kendall, then grab her, and all go overboard.  One gets eaten by a shark immediately. Now Kendall and Brian (Javier Duran) get attacked by sharks and the shark gets Kendall's dress. Now Kendall is kept afloat by her big...er, big smile. After being wounded by a Great White, the duo make it to a sandbar that will disappear in a few hours. Brian? Never mind.

An ex-marine (her term, not mine) Molly insists on going after her daughter in a dinghy. Molly is quite the babe but will get some good looking navy SEAL types eaten. She ends up in her dinghy with one of the thugs, Oscar (Jose Maria Fernandez).  Now Kendall and Brian are very hurt and bleeding and losing blood.  The sharks have made it onto land and attack...don't ask. The two wounded idiots, of which one has great big...or a big smile, are zoning out with their blood loss and now the sandbar has disappeared under the waves.  Molly? Yeah...you'll see.

Will Molly be able to save her daughter before the shark or blood loss gets her?  Will Brian take advantage of Kendall's blood loss and reach over and...actually, I withdraw this question.  Is this situation what Clausewitz had in mind when he penned On War which was published shortly after his accident with the dancing girls? Riveting and arousing.  After all who doesn't like big...er, big smiles? See "Shark Terror" and enjoy a big smile and the magnum opus of Carly Medina. 

Evil Judgment, Giallo Slasher Made in Canada

Italians made this one.  They star in it. However, instead of Rome, this slasher film is set in Montreal. There  will be beautiful women in underwear who will be horribly murdered.  There's a killer with a razor. There's a boyfriend who just may be the killer.  Then there is a potential final girl who will give us a nice shower scene, some good lingerie scenes, some heart felt pelvic thrusts, and gyrations.  Today we will look at 1984's "Evil Judgment," directed by Claudio Castravelli.

Janet (Pamela Collyer) is a sultry dance student.  As the film begins she is doing gyrations, pelvic thrusts, leg spreads, all while clad in a tight leotard. She needs dinero fast and her boyfriend Dino (Jack Langedijk) is a two-bit hood for the mob. At the same time Judge Ronald Robertson (Walter Massey) murders his doctor, then a sultry nurse by cutting her throat with a scalpel, then escaping from the mental asylum. Okay, Janet needs money to stay in dancing school and her bestie, April (Nanette Workman), is a whore. April tells her that she can earn a weeks wages in just a couple of hours. April and Janet get all dolled up and head over to the judge's mansion...yes that judge...Ronald...for a kinky threesome. As the three get underway, a killer slits April's throat and then the judge's throat.

Janet? She is grabbed by the killer and wakes up in the street in a seedy part of town. The detective, Armstrong (Roland Nincheri), thinks Janet is a junkie whore who tried to commit suicide. April and the judge? Bodies not found yet. The next day, April's corpse is found in her own apartment, but Janet knows what she saw. Now the killer is stalking Janet and almost kills her a few times. Dino, the two-bit hood, believes Janet and has pre-marital sex with her as he does detective work to find out what is going on. Dino and Janet return to the mansion to find clues that the murders happened there. Also headed there are Armstrong and the cops. More killings with the razor and some very interesting clues develop. No more, for fear of spoilers.

Does Janet have what it takes to survive this guy who might be Judge Ronald?  Does Janet have what it takes to survive the two-bit hood she's having pre-marital sex with?  What was Judge Ronald doing in a mental asylum, anyway?  This is an erotic one with some gory killings as babes keep having their throats slashed.  For the misogyny we are accustomed to in our Giallo, and a good slasher flick from the 1980s, see "Evil Judgment."

The Secret of the Loch, Found, The Loch Ness Monster

Ah, the Loch Ness Monster...or Nessie, if you prefer. This has mystified us all forever, practically.  The most famous cryptid ever.  In Scotland, it is not a myth, but a reality. Half the population has not only seen it but also had their goats eaten by it. So famous, that today's movie was partly written by Arthur Conan Doyle. In what is a study of the ethos of Scotland, our film today serves as a fitting companion piece to "Braveheart." Let us look at a creepy film set in the fog in Scotland, 1934's "The Secret of the Loch," directed by Milton Rosmer. By the way, this was one of the first films to use underwater filming and submarines.

A lot happens in this film. The renown scientist, Professor Heggie (Seymour Hicks) is jeered, mocked, and lampooned by his colleagues when he tries to get funding for an expedition to find the Loch Ness Monster. He just knows it dwells in a cave deep below the loch's surface. He is laughed out of the university. Enter sensationalist reporter, Jimmy Anderson (Frederick Peisley). He wants the story, but Heggie has no patience for the media...good for him! Jimmy follows Heggie back to his mansion by the mysterious loch. There, Jimmy interviews other residents in the pub about their sightings. None of these so-called witnesses are sober. Without access to Heggie, Jimmy writes lies about him and now all of his mates know the distinguished scientist is a big Anna May Wong fan. This infuriates Heggie who orders his brute assistant (Gibson Gowland) to shoot Jimmy if she shows up at the mansion.

Jimmy, who has been ordered, by his editor, to get the story, sneaks into the mansion and finds himself in the boudoir of the guy's sultry granddaughter, Angela (Nancy O'Neil). She kind of likes Jimmy but is also protective of her grandfather. Jimmy follows Heggie to the Loch where the old guy is sending divers down into the inky depths to find the monster.  These expeditions to the depths of the Loch Ness find the hidden cave and also horror.  Now that he has fallen in love with Angela, Jimmy is determined to prove Heggie right, and then marry Angela.  To do this, he will have to don a diving suit, plunge down to the loch's bottom, find the cave, and then deal with whatever dwells in it. 

Does the monster indeed live in Loch Ness?  Will Jimmy succeed in doing what others have lost their lives trying to do?  Will Angela and Jimmy ever get the old, grouchy Professor Heggie to bless their engagement? Was William Wallace also an Anna May Wong fan? This is a good one, and where Mel Gibson's "Braveheart" bored and preached, this one thrilled and engaged.  For the best film ever about the identity of the Scottish people, see "The Secret of the Loch."