The Presence, Kathy Ireland and Tentacles

For better or for worse, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition is now irrelevant. Many years ago, or decades ago, it was eagerly waited for by teens and college hunks. No more. The models are now monstrosities which are difficult to look at. Back in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, this was not the case. Beauties like Kathy Ireland, Vendela, Elle Macpherson, Cheryl Tiegs, and Rachel Hunter could captivate billions every February. Now, is Sports Illustrated even a thing? Thus, it is not surprising that the made-for-TV movie that appeared on September 20, 1992 featured Kathy Ireland in a nice orange bikini. She'll meet the tentacled and scaly creatures later in the plot. Let us look at 1992's "The Presence," directed by Tommy Lee Wallace.

Rebels seize the capital in a third world country, interrupting an alluring bikini shoot featuring Laura (Ireland). Babe embassy employee Karen (Beth Toussaint) ushers a handful of Americans to an airfield where Rick (Gary Graham) has an airplane. Also among the escapees are Ariel (Nikki Cox), and Kate (June Lockhart from "Lost in Space"). The airplane takes off and crashes in the ocean.  15 survivors get in a raft and make it to an uncharted island. Uh oh...Rick and his co-pilot Frank (Steve Goldsberry) are attacked by a tentacled beast. Both are wounded and both begin changing into scaly humanoid monsters. Laura frolics in a bikini, Karen asserts authority over everyone. Now Frank is all monster as Rick is changing slowly.  The group flee their camp after their bananas explode (No! Not a metaphor for the guys on the island watching Kathy Ireland frolicking).

No surprise here, they find an abandoned military base where bio-genetic engineering experiments have taken place.  Uh oh...the base has been deserted for almost 20 years. Inside the fortress, Frank gets in, and Rick continues to change into the gilled creature. Ariel (Cox) proves useful and we wonder if she and Kathy Ireland will get into a catfight. Throw in some half-monster natives that appear, secret CIA evils, and the I Ching and we still only care about Kathy Ireland in her bikini.

Will Vendela and Elle Macpherson join Kathy Ireland on this island to fight the tentacled monster? Will Rick recover his humanity and court the bikini model?  Will the natives treat Kathy Ireland the same way they treated Fay Wray back in the 1930s?  This is standard stuff, but it was good to see bikini model Kathy Ireland in her bikini.  For some mild gratuity from the early 90s, see "The Presence."

Backwoods, Haylie Duff as a Birthing Vessel for Hillbillies

Head for the hills? Not if you're a nubile babe. 21% of all tourists in West Virginia, who explore their mountains, go missing. 30% of all nubile sorority sisters at West Virginia University go missing once they pledge. It ain't just West Virginia. Other mountain regions have a cannibalistic appetite for city slickers.  They also have a need to procreate with city dames.  They certainly have an appetite and urges for nubile babes with great big...smiles. Let us look at Haylie Duff's magnum opus. Our feature today is, set in the California mountains, 2008's"Backwoods," directed by Martin Jay Weiss.

Poor Gwen (Willow Geer).  Her and her BF (Jonathan Chase) are camping when hillbilly lunatics murder him, and haul her away to an underground bunker to impregnate her.  The lunatics were taken with her great big...smile. Now, eight city slickers hit the mountains to engage in a team building paintball match. Lee (Duff) and Maggie (Mimi Michaels) are the two babes in the group, and they have great big smiles, bikinis, and allure. Adam (Ryan Merriman) is hot for Lee, but John (Craig Zimmerman) is less shy and forces the issue. Perry (Danny Nucci) seems to have had military experience. The lunatic hillbillies attack. Of the eight, most are taken prisoner and brought to an underground bunker.  The guys are prepped for torture and interrogation.  The ladies are prepped for procreation. Gwen has already been viciously raped by the Chosen One, Josiah (Robert Allen Mukes). Lucky Josiah, he gets all the babes with great big smiles.

The clan is run by Mother Ruth (Deborah Van Valkenburgh). She's some goddess to the dozens who live in this bunker.  She will oversee her son as he rapes and impregnates the gals. The imprisoned men?  One by one they are tortured, some die.  Adam and Perry fight back, get loose, and go about decimating the bunker with hopes of rescuing their big smiled co-workers. Now war is taking place. Sledgehammers, bows and arrows, rifles, daggers, and grenades.  The executives from the big city put up a better fight than you would imagine.  Lee and Maggie? Josiah is excited and Mother Ruth has them tied down spread eagle on cots.

Will the guys be able to rescue Lee and Maggie before Josiah plants his seed in them?  Will Mother Ruth and Lee engage in a catfight in the mud or some of the jelly in the mess hall?  Do corporate executives from the big city have what it takes to mass murder an entire commune of hillbilly lunatics? When the hillbilly community of West Virginia sued the production company, the setting was changed to California. Yep, even the lunatic hillbilly community packs a political punch. See "Backwoods," and rethink your vacation plans to the mountains. 

 

The Medusa Touch, Richard Burton Sleeps Through This one.

Okay fine...he's in a coma. Richard Burton! The man should know when not to fool around with evil phenomena.  In this one he delves into telekinesis with apocalyptic consequences.  He did this in, what he considers his best film ever (not really) "Exorcist II: The Heretic," when he got involved with a little girl who was possessed by Satan.  Then he did it in "Cleopatra" when he got involved with Elizabeth Taylor. Sure, our film today has problems, like why is a French cop being sent out by Scotland Yard to investigate a homicide. An exchange program? Bring a Frog To Work Day? Anyway, never mind all that, we have Lee Remick in this one and we sure hope she doesn't get thrown off a ledge in a grand foyer or through the window of a hospital, like that ever happens. Our film today is 1978's "The Medusa Touch," directed by Jack Gold.

As our film begins, the serious looking Morlar (Burton) is watching men landing on the moon on his television. Disaster, the moon rocket is lost for good before landing. Then he is murdered. Someone bludgeons him to death using a statue. Inspector Brunel (Lino Ventura) of Scotland Yard comes to investigate...but he is not really from Scotland Yard...he's a Frenchie. Don't ask, and you'll be happier. During the investigation of the crime scene Morlar begins breathing. Now he's in a coma, at a hospital, displaying weak vitals except for his EEG. Yep, his brain waves are going crazy. What's this mean? Brunel is told his case is priority, even though it is no longer a homicide. He investigates. Brunel goes to see Morlar's shrink, Dr. Zonfeld (Remick), and she's beautiful. The psychologist is stunning and mysterious. Privacy rules be damned, Zonfeld spills the beans on Morlar.

Seems Morlar has come to see her because he believes he can murder people and cause disasters just by using his own thoughts...telekinesis.  Through flashbacks we see Morlar doing this to his parents, bad teachers, mean nannies, noisy neighbors, and...well...the stakes get higher as he gets older. It appears Morlar is mad at the world because of man's inhumanity to man, and war. The man just doesn't have a sense of humor. Now he is at war with the humanity because they spend so much on war and killing and less on starving needy people. The fact that needy people spend all their money on booze and drugs is of no concern to the sad Morlar...perhaps this was the theme of that Exorcist movie Burton did. Did he cause the moon landing to go bad?  Did he cause a jumbo jet to crash into an office building in London? Nah!  Nah, except for the fact that the more and more Inspector Brunel investigates, the more he actually believes Morlar's brainwaves are indeed causing natural disasters.

Will Dr. Zonfeld fall in love with the dopey French cop, or with the comatose Morlar?  Who tried to bludgeon Morlar to death at the beginning of the film?  Is Morlar causing disasters from his hospital bed? This is an enjoyable film even though Richard Burton is the weakest part of it. It is always good to see Lee Remick and we do really hope that she will not meet a grizzly demise as she did on "The Omen."  For some pure 1970s occult fun, see "The Medusa Touch."

Reeker, The Smelly Slasher

I can't imagine that Freddie, or Michael, or Jason smelled good. I know, their body odor was never a point brought up in those slasher films. These ominous machete wielding fiends never reached for the Hai Karate, or Irish Spring. Nope...their priorities were in other places.  Murdering nymphomaniac teens, many of the had it coming, and surviving for a sequel. Today's film keys in on odor. Ick. Today we have sort of a play on the "Final Destination" idea in a tale of a bargain basement Grim Reaper. Let us look at 2005's "Reeker," directed by Dave Payne.

A horrific scene begins this film with some very imaginative gore. You'll see. Then we have three hunks and two babes headed to a rave party in the California desert. I know what you're thinking...you want to see them die horribly. Okay, sure.  Trip (Scott Whyte) puts them all in danger when he robs a pusher of his supply of ecstasy. Now the mad pusher (Eric Mabius) is after them all with murder in his mind. A few weird things happen and now the six are stranded at a weird abandoned truck stop with a gas station, diner, and motel attached. Jack (Devon Gummersall) is blind and Gretchen (Tina Illman) is a sultry and exotic type. Cookie (Arielle Kebbel) is a sex-crazed beauty and Nelson (Derek Richardson) wants pre-marital sex with her. Weirdness rules. Everyone in the diner disappears into thin air and the rave enthusiasts are getting scared...except Cookie and Nelson, they are getting horny.

Two other beings converge on the plot. The ecstasy dealer and Henry (Michael Ironside). Henry is confused and looking for his wife, who also disappeared into thin air. Broken radio signals indicate a bio-attack and a big traffic accident, but nothing more. Then the reeker comes, and his smell gives him away.  One by one, in most gory fashion, the babes and hunks fall.  Smelly fashion, too, you'll see. Only Trip seems to be able to figure things out and what he realizes is not comforting. Nelson and Cookie will end up screwing, but as in all of these slasher films, it won't go well.  Gretchen and blind Jack emerge as noble sorts and we wonder why they were headed to a rave party and an ecstasy trip.

Will any of these characters survive the angry reeker?  Will Gretchen and Cookie engage in a catfight for the affections of one of these doomed hunks? Just what is the reeker, and what has it done with the townspeople? This is a predictable one, but a great looking cast of babes and hunks, and some nice gore make it worthwhile. See this, over 20 year old, slasher film, "Reeker," and remember to use soap in the shower. 

Turbulence, Hot Air Balloon Carnage

Siskel and Ebert talked about movies that included hot air balloon scenes. They agreed that none of these films were any good. You put a hot air balloon in a film and you commit box office suicide. How do you save it? You put the sultry Olga Kurylenko in it as a seductress in a sleek black dress and turn her into Freddy Kruger. Yep...it happens. Add some great death scenes, and Kelsey Grammer as an ex-pat opera singer, and we have 2025's "Turbulence," directed by Claudio Fah.

Tough year for Zach (Jeremy Irvine) and wife Emmy (Hera Hilmar). Zach, to save his company had to fire half the employees. Emmy had a miscarriage. To get back on track, the duo go on a belated honeymoon which will include a hot air balloon ride over the Italian Dolomites. Uh oh...guess who else is on the ride...Olga Kurlyenko, as Julia...looking mighty fine. The hot air balloon driver, and guide is Harry (Grammer). Julia has that look, a regular insaniac...and Zach knows. Zach has not responded to Julia's blackmail demands. See, the night before the belated honeymoon, Zach and Julia met at a bar and...well...guys will be guys and skanks will be skanks.

Four go up in a balloon...15,000 feet. Then Julia keeps subtly giving Zach messages that he should pay up. He rebuffs her. Emmy realizes something is wrong and wants Zach to tell him what went on. Harry serenades with his opera voice. Then, Julia, figuring subtlety is not working, goes all knife-wielding psycho atop the Italian alps.  Murder!  Explosions!  Collisions! Marital unrest! All, you know what, hits the fan...then it gets even worse. Even worse, Emmy demands Zach be honest with her. Uh oh, again, the skank Julia is not the only psycho on the ride.

Will Zach come clean with Emmy?  Is Julia psycho, or is there something else going on here?  Is there a catfight brewing between Emmy and Julia? This one is not for those with a fear of heights, but an altitudinal thriller in which gravity won't be anyone's friend.  See "Turbulence" and never go in a hot air balloon again! 

Bigfoot Breeds, Naked and Jiggly College Babes and Bigfoot

Ah, AI! I challenge you to watch this film and then speak ill of AI. Sultry naked college babes, or sometimes in bikinis, spanking one another, kissing, jumping on trampolines, in hot tubs, in bed together, fighting off slithery leeches while skinny-dipping, and hunting bigfoot.  Did I mention the naked college babes? Oh, bigfoot too.  Yeah, he's in this and he's horny...as are the naked college babes. Today we look at 2026's "Bigfoot Breeds," directed by Felicity Yeung.

The film begins as bigfoot (Benjamin Masters) grabs a college babe skinny-dipper and absolutely rapes the daylights out of her while splashing mud on her.  In a scene right out of the book, one may confuse this movie with Stanley Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon." Enter three college babes, the Asian Jane (Maya Ellison), Betti (Aira Blair), and Tara (Star Carroll). They seek bigfoot as Tara believes it took her Uncle Buck (Eric C. Brogan). Also in search of bigfoot is a flamboyant gay guy, Morbius (Lonny Loveless) who seeks to have bigfoot's child...sadly for him, the cryptid is probably not gay. The trio of babes kiss one another, play spin the bottle, skinny-dip, and hunt bigfoot. Uh oh...bigfoot appears to be taken by Jane. Bigfoot attacks beset babes in town and some are drowned and boiled in hot tubs, or raped. 

I don't believe I'm trying to put forth a plot description.  The scenes when the skinny-dipping babes are beset by slimy leeches all over their naked selves is priceless and gratuitous.  The same trio of babes will also be beset by the yeti up in the mountains as they ski. Morbius breaks out his Twister game in hopes of being impregnated by bigfoot who he has just captured. Babes sunbathe in the nude.  Babes engage in lesbian carnality.  Babes get bigfoot tattoos. Oh, more leeches on naked babe scenes. I could go on and on. Oh, the sultry Asian babe Jane? What happens to her will be some imagery that you will never be able to get out of your brain...eek!

How many of the babes will bigfoot impregnate?  Will the babes necessarily mind being impregnated by bigfoot?  Will leeches sliming and crawling on skinny-dipping babes be a plot device that will catch on and appear in just about every film from here on? This is a gratuitous and alluring film that gives any real man exactly what he wants and is afraid to ask for.  See the AI/real action epic, "Bigfoot Breeds."   

Dead Sea, Bikini Babes in Peril at Sea

In what, so far, is the magnum opus of the lovely Isabel Gravitt, we are treated to a tour-de-force performance, which is mostly in a bikini. Hey, I know its a serious thriller, but a bikini is a bikini, and a gory plot, and peril at sea make for a wonderful recipe. So for some gratuitous action and a gory and ominous plot, 2024's "Dead Sea," directed by Pail Volken, is a surprisingly good ocean thriller.

It begins standard enough, 18-year old Kaya (Gravitt) has just gone through personal tragedy. She goes for a day out with her bestie, Tessa (Genneya Walton). Worry not, they'll both be in bikinis just a few minutes into this movie. Good for them, they meet a couple of hunks, Xander (Koa Tom) and Julian (Garrett Wareing). The quartet go jet skiing and Xander and Kaya get close real fast and smooch...lucky him. Disaster strikes. In the middle of the ocean, Julian pulls a boner and the jet skis collide and sink. Julian is killed instantly, Xander and Tessa are seriously wounded.  With no land in sight, Kaya tries to keep her buddies afloat as the sharks near. Uh oh...the fishing vessel arrives. Kaya is happy, but that won't last long. 

Rey (Alexander Wraith) pulls the trio from the sea and soon will reveal himself to be a murderous menace. Xander, with a head wound will be no help. Rey locks the bikini babes down below and calls Doc (Dean Cameron) on the radio. Yep...Doc arrives with his surgical bag. See, organs on the black-market fetch a lot of dinero. These three great looking youngsters have healthy organs. With Tessa seriously wounded, and Xander first up on the chopping block, Kaya has to act.  What ensues is our bikini babe prepared to kill to protect her friends. She will have a tough task...as Rey is all killer and not charmed by her smooth tanned skin, slender build, and nubile vulnerability.  Not much of a war, you say? Ha! Some nifty death scenes await.

Will Kaya be able to save herself and her buddies?  Can our bikini babe, turned warrior, murder if she has to? However good a friend Tessa is to Kaya, is there a possibility we see the bikini babes in a gratuitous catfight? Okay, that last question was gratuitous and sleazy, worry not, it was auto-correct's fault. See "Dead Sea" and be pleasantly surprised at the terrific thriller this is.