Thursday, April 15, 2021

Beyond White Space, Moby Dick in Space

Okay...this film which is, basically, Moby Dick in space has some problems. We won't go into those. I will focus on the good...and there are redeeming qualities that make 2018's "Beyond White Space" (directed by Ken Locsmandi) a worth while watch. Spacebabes and a really neat behemoth space creature...enough said. Herman Melville never gave us those! 

24 years after his dad was killed by a giant space dragon, Captain Bentley (Holt McCallany) captains a fishing vessel into the edge of the galaxy. Fishing in space? Yep...these giant bugs that are creepy apparently make good food and they bound from asteroid to asteroid. His real target is the behemoth dragon who killed his dad.  Also on board, undercover, is the nubile and ravishing Lynn (Zulay Henao).  She needs to get to white space...the area beyond the end of the galaxy. Why does she need to get there? Something about a terminal illness...this is of no importance as she sweats nicely and is spunky.  The other sweaty sultry spacebabes on board are the pilot, Ragsland (Tiffany Brouwer) and cook/psycho Batali (Kodi Kitchen).  Batali is a nymphomaniac and has a lot of pre-marital sex.

Okay...it is the Moby Dick story so enough of the plot.  Hauling in space bugs, an accident happens.  Some get loose and infest mechanic Stubbs (Dave Sheridan).  Alas, this will spell a sad fate for one of our beauties.  Bentley becomes obsessed with the behemoth that killed his dad and he endangers the crew in the pursuit.  Now some of the space bugs get really big once loose on the spaceship and chase sweaty spacebabes.  Who can blame them?  There will be more deviant sex, babes in peril, and an attacking monster twice as big as Godzilla. Many will meet excruciating fates and not all the spacebabes will fare well...so sad.  

Will Captain Bentley have a better fate than Melville's Captain Ahab?  Would more school children have been interested in reading Moby Dick if Herman Melville threw in some sweaty sea babes?   Are behemoth space dragons a metaphor for America's failed space program under NASA?  Look for the beauty in the swamp...as well as sweaty spacebabes and giant monsters, and you will enjoy "Beyond White Space."  

Tuesday, April 13, 2021

The Monster of Camp Sunshine, Nudity! Nudity! Nudity! And a Monster

We don't have enough films about monsters terrorizing nudist colonies.  Do we really need another stupid superhero film when the aforementioned plot device goes largely unexplored? A nubile blonde nurse in white (when she is clothed) and a sultry fashion model team up to take all their clothes off and fight a hideous creature...yes! Today we look at 1964's "The Monster of Camp Sunshine or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Nature," directed by Ferenc Leroget.

Two sultry babes share a New York City apartment.  Marta (Sally Parfait) is a beautiful nurse and Claire (Deborah Spray) is a high priced fashion model.  Marta goes to work for her mad scientist boss, Dr. Harrison (James Gatsby) and is attacked by lab rats.  She is in hysterics as she almost dies.  Claire poses nicely and is asked by the photographer Ken (Ron Cheney) to pose in a topless swimsuit for a men's magazine.  This draws the disapproval for Ken's beautiful secretary, Laurie (Angela Evans). Claire determines that she and Marta need to get away for a while.  Marta is a nudist and gets Claire hooked on "nudism." The duo head to Camp Sunshine with Ken and Laurie in tow.

Marta and Claire will have so many nude scenes. Susanna (Natalie Drest) runs the camp.  Uh oh, the formula Dr. Harrison was working on is dumped in the river and Hugo (Harrison Pebbles) finds it.  Hugo is the gardener at Camp Sunshine.  He drinks it and turns into a brute monster.  Now he is chasing beautiful nude babes around with an axe.  The babes will run, jiggle, and jump when they are not sunbathing or skinny-dipping. Now Laurie is under Camp Sunshine's spell and strips to go skinny-dipping.  Hugo's hormones are raging and he has his sights set on Laurie, Marta, and Claire (as do we).  The three nude babes will run and jiggle some more.  Now Dr. Harrison races to the camp to save his nurse, Marta. Ken finds dynamite, a machinegun, and a pistol. The men will seek to kill Hugo.

The nudity in this 1964 film is gratuitous.  Even scenes that take place in the city are filled with gratuitous stripping, or putting on lingerie scenes.  Will Hugo catch one of the nudists and if so...what will he do with her?  Will the nudists engage in a cat-fight or a splashing match while skinny-dipping? Can one blame the monster Hugo for going after the nude nurse, fashion model, or nude secretary? As a war on beauty is being raged in the 21st century, it is nice to see a film that celebrates a woman's beauty. For a gratuitous good time see "The Monster of Camp Sunshine or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Nature."     

Sunday, April 11, 2021

Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century, The Italians do King Kong

The Italians are masters of the rip-offs. "Alien," "Jaws," "Dawn of the Dead" …and they do it well.  How about "King Kong" you ask?  Yep! Today we look at an Italian film shot in Toronto in which a behemoth hairy ape thing grabs a nubile babe and climbs to the top of the city. 1977's "Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century" (directed by Gianfranco Parolini) is our feature today.

A discovery in northern Canada's ice! A 20 foot (or maybe 50 foot, depending on which scene of the film we're watching) ape man (Mimmi Crao). A huge drilling corporation headed by oil magnate/promoter Morgan Hunnicut (Edoardo Faleta) sees instant marketing opportunity for this pre-historic giant. He summons old pal, scientist Professor Wasserman (John Stacy) to head operations on its recovery. Wasserman ups the ante...he thinks he can bring it back to life. This is good news for the under-loved Euro-babe Jane (Antonella Interlenghi)…who is at the site because she's hot and pouts a lot. After some electrodes are put in strategic places, our ape-man wakes and screams. First he screams in anger, then he sees Jane and screams at...I don't know, lost opportunity, perhaps?

Okay...the thing breaks loose from its straps and cage, grabs the Italian hottie and scampers in the wilderness to...well...to get to know Jane better. He's captured again, brought to Toronto to be exhibited at some World's Fair type gala...and then escapes again. When Jane gets trapped in a crowd, he rescues her and goes to old Exhibition Stadium (where the Blue Jays first played). Now Jane loves the big ape-man...probably not because of his wonderful head of hair, either. Goons and thugs try to pin some murders on the beast and now the cops are ordered to kill him. Jane pouts some more and looks like an Alberto VO5 commercial and tries to save the monster.  Now the ape-man saves dogs, little children, and nubile Euro-babes while trying to escape greedy humans.

What does Jane hope for in her relationship with the 50 foot macho monster? Okay, stupid question. Is this film an answer to Canada's inferiority complex in not having a King Kong legend or an Empire State Building phallic symbol in their largest city? Is the recently erected CN Tower in Toronto in response to this film? Fun, syrupy sweet, and way too corny, enjoy "Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century" and imagine how Sigmund Freud would have analyzed this film.

Saturday, April 10, 2021

Guest Review: Velocipastor from Steve at Misfits and Mysteries

I’m excited to write a guest blog about one of my all-time favorite B-movies, the Velocipastor.  A little background about myself.  I’m Steve from the Misfits and Mysteries Podcast and Blog.  We’re a podcast that explores all things weird and wacky from cryptids, folklore, and aliens to history and psychology and everything in-between.  I’m also a huge fan of low budget horror films and have been since highschool.  Some of my favorites are Troll 2, Bigfoot the Movie, and the Velocipastor.  We were lucky enough to actually interview Brendan Steere, writer and director of the Velocipastor on our podcast so hopefully this review isn’t too biased.

What I love most about The Velocipastor is how self-aware the film is.  The movie budget was only around $30,000 and Brendan Steere prioritized quality actors who could deliver silly lines with a straight face over special effects, filming locations, and a serious tone and it paid off.  From the opening scene, you know exactly what this movie is and it’s clear the movie is fully self-aware.  It’s easily one of the funniest low budget movies I have ever seen. 

The film starts off with a bang, literally, when Doug’s family gets blown up by a car bomb outside of his church.  I don’t want to spoil one of the funniest uses of a VFX explosion in film history, just know it’s comedy gold.  Doug then takes a trip to China to clear his head and while running through what were clearly the woods of Pennsylvania, he comes across a woman who's been attacked by ninjas.  She gives him a dinosaur tooth which cuts his hand and gives him the power of a Velociraptor.

Doug returns to America and reclaims his position as pastor at his local church.  That night, Doug keeps having nightmares and decides to go for a walk on a dark park at night, where he saves Carol, a hooker/law student/doctor, from a mugging by turning into a dinosaur and eating the mugger.  The next day, Doug wakes up naked in Carol's bed thinking he slept with her and broke his godly vows.  She explains to him that they didn’t have sex, but he did turn into a velociraptor and kill her mugger.  Carol tries to convince Doug to use his new found powers to fight crime, but he refuses.

Doug goes back to his priestly duties and forgets about his dinosaur powers.  Until Frankie Mermaid, the scumbag who killed his parents comes into confession and brags about killing them and generally being an awful dude.  Doug gets so enraged that he turns into a dinosaur and kills Frankie Mermaid.  He then shows up at Carol's apartment and decides he wants to become a crime fighting half dinosaur half pastor vigilante.  After a long montage of Doug and Carol beating up some bad guys, and working out, Doug is confronted by Father Stewert, where he regretfully tells him about his newfound dinosaur powers.

Father Stewart takes Doug to get an exorcism and bad things follow.  The evil drug dealing ninja’s show up again in America and this time kidnap Father Stewert.  Are Doug and Carol able to save the day?  What do the evil ninjas want with the church?  You’re going to have to watch this wonderful film to find out!  It’s available on Amazon Instant Video.


Comic Review, Chronicles of Horror vol. 1 by Matthew Myers

Voodoo, slashers, shapeshifters, and graveyards...the stuff true horror is made of. In four short microbursts of fear, Matthew Myers has given us a wonderfully and eerily illustrated series of horror stories that conjure up classic scares.  Eerie, menacing and ominous are the voyages we embark on in perusing through this graphic work.  Startling monsters and spooky settings come at us in full color in imagery that jumps off the pages into our minds.  Mr. Myers tells me this is only volume one, and number two is being created as you read this.

The four stories in this work are brief in length but your mind will continue thinking about them as you turn out the bedroom lights tonight. The cemetery setting and ghoulish nature of the plot for "The Early Grave" could very well have been a story in the old "Tales from the Crypt" comic book.  Perhaps, on the surface, a basic blood curdling story of the dangers an old graveyard yields...but absolutely this one taps on fears we all may feel when we drive by those old homes of the dead on dark nights. From a selfish point of view, I love babes in my horror.  They are here. Our two gals in "Samantha" are nubile and ravishing...thanks to some wonderful artwork. Of course, what they're up to is something that all you occultists can identify with.  No spoilers here...read the book.

In a story that may be about shapeshifters, werewolves, or gargoyle creatures, what exactly happens in the end may be a point of great debate.  Not for me...I figure two babe nurses in white are in great danger...see what you think after you read "The Invaders."  Of course, I'm heavily influenced by my love for Giallo films. Slasher fans will grab right onto the menacing settings that await a repairman in "Broken Elevator." What is your favorite slasher weapon?  You'll probably see it here.

Blood...murder...nubile babes...monsters..."Chronicles of Horror, vol. 1" has it all.  You writers out there will be inspired as Matthew Myers gives you some great ideas in picture and story in this book. Kudos to some great illustrators; Adam Willis, Abel Gonzalez, Ian Miller, and Hector Borerro all do a bloody good job. I eagerly await volume two, but until then, all classic horror fans will join me in enjoying this one.

Check out Chronicles of Horror at seernovacomics.com


Friday, April 9, 2021

Halloween Party, Demonic Disfigured Ghouls Behaving Badly

"Halloween 3: Season of the Witch" may be the most unfairly misjudged horror film of all time.  The 1982 horror film is most known as the 'Halloween' film without Michael Myers. One wonders the reception it would've received if it were never marketed  as a 'Halloween' film. Almost 40 years later...we have 2019's "Halloween Party," which is not about a Halloween party...well, it is, but not the kind of party you are thinking. College hunks and babes will be put in much peril and many will die horribly...and yes...this is the first movie ever about vagina spiders.  Directed by Jay Dahl, if you listen closely, you will be able to hear the Silver Shamrock jingle in the back of your head.

Grace (Amy Groening) is a college student in Nova Scotia...and a babe.  Her babe dorm neighbor Zoe (Marietta Laan) and her receive a computer meme featuring Halloween images and a question, "What is your greatest fear?" Zoe answers truthfully...vagina spiders. Zoe wants to show Grace what happens if you don't answer...a witch pops up threatening that you will die by your greatest fear.  Later that night, Zoe dies horribly by her greatest fear. Now Grace is obsessed on finding out exactly what happened to Zoe and enlists the help of computer nerd Spencer (T. Thomason). The meme seems to attach itself to Grace's files and shows up on the computers of more students. Some die horribly within the hour.

Spencer realizes fast there is something weird about this meme. He and grace research the school and find that her dorm is built on the site of an old hospital for terminally ill children.  More specifically, terminally ill children who were horribly disfigured, turned demonic, and died in a suicide pact after mastering computers. The dead children are back and they want something.  Grace and Spencer realize their number is up and we wonder if we will see arachnids crawling out of Grace's...well, you know. Obnoxious frat boys will meet these boys and it will be quite grotesque.  Uh oh...our duo think they know what the kids want and how to stop them...but do they?

So what exactly about vagina spiders is obsessing Grace? Will Spencer and Grace fall in love and if so will Spencer be able to...well, never mind.  Are vagina spiders a metaphor for what the misogynistic Canadian culture desires to inflict on its women?  This is a good one and the interplay between Spencer and Grace is magnificent.  The chills are icky and the final scene is quite epic.  For a surprisingly horrific and good film, see "Halloween Party."


 

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Cruel Jaws, An Italian Jaws Rip-Off

Okay...yep it is a rip-off...so what?! Look at it this way..."Jaws" had the story of the USS Indianapolis, which was sunk just after delivering the bomb. 1995's "Cruel Jaws" (directed by Bruno Mattei) has the USS Cleveland which was sunk delivering a secret weapon...a genetically engineered shark programmed to eat the enemy.  "Jaws" had a score by John Williams.  "Cruel Shark" has the "Star Wars" score...really. Both films claim to have been based on Peter Benchley's novel.  Before you "Jaws" enthusiasts write off this Italian rip-off, "Cruel Jaws" does have tons of bikini babes, jiggling a lot, and dying horribly. Enough said. 

Divers exploring the Cleveland wreck are eaten by a monster Tiger shark. No great loss. Sheriff Francis (David Luther) finds a washed up corpse and labels it a boat propeller accident. The coroner corrects him..."This was no boat propeller accident!" Yes! Now the shark moves into the resort community of Hampton Bay where bikini babes frolic, fall in love, and die horribly. Developer Samuel Lewis (George Barnes, Jr.) wants the beaches to remain open (imagine that). We also meet Vanessa (Norma J. Neshelm) early...quite the babe. She'll suck face with a few men, take care of a handicapped kid, and get eaten. No great significance to her character, but boy could she model bikinis and other exotic swimwear.

Dag Snerensen (Richard Dew) runs a Sea World type of park which has two annoying dolphins and a stupid seal. He is at war with the Samuel. Samuel has a babe daughter, Gloria (Natasha Etzer) who sucks face a lot and frolics in bikinis. She is in love with Dag's son...who is beefy.  Anyway, the regatta commences, the shark eats it and the Sheriff goes hunting for it in a helicopter...bad idea. Dag and his family also set sail to find the shark.  In this film, anyone looking for the shark in this ocean, finds it right away. I didn't even mention Glenda (Sky Palma) who dies horribly hunting the shark but not before showing off some very alluring bikinis and other ocean attire. If it jiggles in this film...it'll die horribly either by teeth or fire.

Will the love affair between Brody's wife and Hooper be included in this film? Does this film minimize the real threat of boat propellers?  Why don't history classrooms in the U.S. public schools teach about the tragedy of the USS Cleveland? Hey...it is a Bruno Mattei film with bad dubbing and jiggling bikini babes...enjoy! For an alluring and cheap good time, see "Cruel Jaws."