House on Haunted Hill, Asylum Ghosts Shred the Beautiful

Gore and a great looking cast highlights our feature today.  It is really a can't miss plot...a haunted asylum in which demons stalk some babes and hunks. Today we look at 1999's "House on Haunted Hill," directed by William Malone. We have a mad scientist, too. Guess who? Yep...Jeffrey Combs! This film didn't get a lot of love in 1999, but anyone who sees it today loves it.

Stephen (Geoffrey Rush) is a promoter and amusement park designer. His frisky nymphomaniac wife, Evelyn (Famke Janssen) demands he throw her a party at a restored asylum. The asylum was shut down in 1931 after the lunatics rebelled against the staff.  Everyone died, including the doctor who experimented and dissected the lunatics, Dr. Vannacutt (Combs). Uh oh...Evelyn's guest list is altered by the demons in the house and five seemingly unrelated schmucks are summoned.  Here's the promotion. Stephen will give anyone who survives the night in the asylum a million bucks.  Pritchett (Chris Kattan), who knows about the haunted activities, is pulled into the contest unwittingly.

Guests: Celebrity game show hostess, Melissa (Bridgette Wilson-Sampras), Sara (Ali Larter), former baseball player Eddie (Taye Diggs), and a doctor, Blackburn (Peter Gallagher). Soon the demons start playing havoc.  They seal all the doors and windows and the guests scamper into the basement to look for a way out. The sultry Melissa will be the first to go. She will be cut into several pieces by Vannacutt's ghost.  Now the others are beset by the demons and are on the run.  The grotesque happenings of 1931 come back to life.  Evelyn is quite the schemer, and her disbelief of the demons seems to set up her doom. Eddie and Sara develop into a sweet couple and emerge as two of the characters we want to survive. Ghosts, demons, dissections, a mad scientist, and the homicidal tendencies of many of the guests will make survival a longshot. 

The three aforementioned actresses are quite stunning in this one...it is a shame some will die horribly. The male actors are also beefy and terrific.  Limbs will fly...blood will streak...faces will be eaten off...but will anyone earn the million bucks?  For some great gore, cheesecake, beefcake, and a Jeffrey Combs mad scientist portrayal, see "House on Haunted Hill."  

The Strange World of Planet X, Never Mess with Mother Nature

Fans of "F Troop" can never get enough of Forrest Tucker. The Crawling Eye still goes down as one of the best B movies ever made.1958, the same year this Forrest Tucker film hit the silver screen, another, lesser known, Tucker horror film premiered, "The Strange World of Planet X." Again, everyone's favorite "F Troop" star, will be faced with marauding creatures bent on destroying our planet.

Meeting at the pub

The brilliant, and as it turns out, mad scientist Dr. Laird (Alec Mango) has created a machine that changes magnetic forces. Gil (Tucker) is his trusty assistant and the two of them seem unable to fine tune it enough to master this feat.  After some electrical accidents, Michele (Gaby Andre) is sent to help them out. The government begins to believe, correctly, that Laird is a loon and desires to shut him down. Meanwhile UFOs begin appearing all over England and tidal waves start taking out the British navy. Are these related to Laird's experiments? As the lovely French Michele and Gil fall in love, Laird makes breakthroughs that begin to play havoc with Earth's magnetic field.

The monsters attack

As UFO activity and more tidal waves occur, people in the local town begin going mad and some manifest radiation burns. Uh oh, a mysterious visitor named Smith (Martin Benson) arrives asking lots of questions about Dr. Laird. Now men in the town are going mad and homicidal, and something horrifying lurks in the nearby woods. Meanwhile Gil and Michele kiss and go to the pub a lot, and Dr. Laird begins to ramp up his experiments which could have lasting consequences on the planet Earth.

Michele in much distress

The first 50 minutes of "The Strange World of Planet X" may come across as a standard man fooling with nature sermon. Stick with it, however, as the final 20 minutes will treat you to a man versus monster war with a surprising amount of gore. As many fall, and many damsels are put in much distress, will Gil be able to continue to romance Michele? Will Michele be eaten by giant bugs? Must Dr. Laird be allowed to continue his experiments? This British horror/scifi B movie is perfect for a rainy Saturday afternoon for those of you longing for Creature Feature to come back.

Nazi Overlord, What if Syfy had made Saving Private Ryan

A film from The Asylum (Syfy) that gets a 2.2/10 rating on IMDB. Yes! You know this blog will be all over that.  Nazis, mad-scientists, mutant locusts, zombies, and a stirring adventure chronicling the horrors of war...2018's "Nazi Overlord," directed by Bob Pallatina.  Before poo-pooing this film, answer me this...did "Saving Private Ryan" have a babe mad-scientist who strips naked and plays with bugs? See! 

After surviving D-Day, a unit is sent on a secret mission. Col Forrester (Tom Sizemore) has a manpower problem after so many GIs died during the invasion. He sends Cpt. Rogers (Andrew Liberty) and a few of his GIs into Romania to rescue a mad scientist, Dr. Eris (Dominique Swain), who the Nazis now have. She is creating some sort of biological weapon and the Americans want it...to do the same thing the Nazis intend to do. The unit arrives in Romania and realize the Nazis don't want to kill them, they want to capture them.  The GIs are needed for human test subjects.

Cpt. Rogers and his men are eventually captured and realize Dr. Eris, a babe, is voluntarily working with the Nazis. She has bred monster locusts that infest humans and blow up...beautiful.  Hey, Truman dropped two A-Bombs, don't get all moral on me. Dr. Eris strips and uses the GIs to test her bugs before she send the things into North America.  Now Cpt. Rogers and his men must escape or be infested by exploding locusts. Oh yes...she also makes GIs into cannibalistic zombies, but in her defense, she never dropped any A-Bombs.

Will Cpt. Rogers and his men escape and stop the Nazis from using the weapon Eris has created? Will Cpt. Rogers engage in pre-marital sex with the nude Eris? If Eris created a vaccine for an imaginary plague, would we put her on a pedestal with the American mad scientist, Dr. Fauci?  This is a fun one and it is nice to see our science fiction films not afraid of gratuitous nudity.  For bugs, nudity, gore, and WW2 intrigue, see "Nazi Overlord."   

Goth, Horrific Goth Babe

Having never put on black lipstick, been pierced or tattooed, or attended a rave party, I have no way of knowing 2003's "Goth" isn't the most accurate depiction of 'Goth" life ever put on film. Are any Goths sultry?  They are in this movie.  Black is the operable color in this film...but blood red gives it a nice run.  Directed by Brad Sykes, we'll dive into a vicious and bloody chronicle of a seldom studied slice of Americana. 

Cute couple (if 'Goth' can be cute), Crissy (Laura Reilly) and Boone (Dave Stann) are very amorous.  Pre-marital sex and parties/concerts is the life for these pierced beings.  They head over to a concert and meet Goth (Phoebe Dollar).  She is 100% Goth (just like her name).  Goth introduces our couple to a powerful type of blow and they get high.  She then takes them on a magical mystery ride in her Goth van.  Deviant sex, and brutal murder will follow.  Boone wants to run away but Crissy has a strange attraction to Goth.  Goth wants to corrupt them both and does.  Soon, they are accomplices to murder and rape.

Uh oh...Crissy's attraction to Goth isn't purely sexual.  Nope...a sad backstory may shed light on why Crissy is so eager to be attractive to Goth.  Boone has no clue and pleads with Crissy to leave this jaunt.  A vicious blood orgy massacre or two will follow as will deviant heterosexual and lesbian sex.  Goth is generous with her blow and Crissy is either falling deeper under her spell, or getting ready for something vicious herself.

The beautiful, ugly, scantily clad, and naked will die horribly in this one.  What is the basis for Crissy's attraction to Goth?  Is Crissy even more psychopathic than Goth?  Does Boone have any prayer at surviving this film?  Violent, deviant, and gory, "Goth" is a difficult film to watch in one sitting.  Still, if you like your horror loud and blood red (with some black thrown in), see "Goth."

Madness, Five Babes and a Psycho

There are some problems with this film.  Several instances occur when the beset damsels make some really stupid decisions that could result in annihilation.  Then again, isn't that what endears these films to us?  Well, I guess that...and some gory deaths, and some very nubile damsels in much distress, and some neat kills, and nudity...yes let us remember the nudity...all that stuff endears these films to us.  Today we look at 2006's "Madness," directed by William M. Johns.

Five babes are heading on a ski trip.  Uh oh, a blizzard hits and the nubiles must retreat to Karen's (Michelene Pancoe) parents' home.  It is a nice home and the mom and dad are supposedly away at the beach.  Uh oh...Karen's psycho brother, Alex (Michael Rose) is there.  Alex has been ordered by his dad and very hot stepmom to leave the house, and be gone before they return from the beach. Not appreciating his eviction, Alex sets the house to blow up...and then the five babes scamper in.  None are happy to see Alex...except Megan (Jami Ross).  Megan dumped Alex but still likes him...and her heart is as pure as the white snow outside. His sister hates him.  Karen wants him gone and is not happy he just trashed her bedroom.

Alex is a psycho and has wired the house to blow up.  Jenny (Bernadette Lords) stumbles upon the bombs and Alex murders her.  Now Alex tells her buddies that she slipped down the stairs.  No one is too broken up about Jenny and her body is moved outside in the snow.  Heather (Laura Cool) desires a shower. Why not, she is a babe.  She doesn't even mind when she finds Alex already in the shower. Alas, pretty Heather should have run away as now her body is moved next to Jenny's.  Drama hits...slut Leah (Devan Lindsey) announces she is pregnant.  All the gals are pro-choice except Megan...now Megan is the bad guy...go figure.  Alex doesn't care if Leah is carrying a piece of tissue or an unborn baby, he gets a big butcher's knife and...well, you'll see.

We're running out of babes, do any of them stand a chance at surviving?  Oh yes, why did Alex incur the wrath of his dad and stepmom?  Let us just say his stepmom (Shelly Marks) is the hottest babe in this movie and she gets quite frisky (and wanting) toward Alex. Will this film go so far as to show Alex having weird sex with his stepmother and then murdering a fetus? You'll see.  This film is worth a watch for the cheesecake and taboo scenes.  For a squirming good time, see "Madness."

Stormswept, Orgies and Haunts

A possessed house that turns up the libido on nubile babes and hunks? I'll buy. Seriously, the characters in this story are already teeming with libido so when the ghost of a plantation house cranks it up...watch out! Oh, major league babe, who spends much of this film nude and in heat, has her most dramatic sexual fulfillment scene when she fantasizes about deviant sex with Alex Trebeck. Really! I'm not kidding! Let us look at 1995's "Stormswept," directed by David L. Frazer. 

Babe real estate agent Dottie (Melissa Moore) is charged to show this haunted mansion to a babe actress, Brianna (Julie Hughes). Unbeknownst to Dottie, two weirdos left over from an orgy massacre are still living in the basement, nympho Missy (Kathleen Kinmont) and her keeper Lorne (Hunt Scarritt). A storm causes Dottie to have to stay at the mansion with Brianna and her film crew. Director Damon (Justin Carroll) will try, and mostly succeed, to have pre-marital sex with everyone in the house. Brianna's friend, and soon to be passionate lesbian lover, Kelly (Larissa McComes) is also stuck there along with a few more hunks and babes. The libidos explode and every babe in the house will fondle themselves after shedding their clothes and have sex.

No...I'm not kidding...this is really the plot. Do you think I'd make this up? Wait! Don't answer that. Uh oh...the house has a sordid past that includes blood orgies with non-virgin sacrifices and other carnage. Then Brianna tells us about her Alex Trebeck fantasy...really, she does. Even Dottie turns into an uncontrollable nymphomaniac seeking rough sex.  Our friends in the basement? Well, both of them seem to be under the spell of the evil original owner.  Lorne seems bent on chaining up a nude babe and sacrificing her to...well, to whoever. As the evil spirit riles up everyone's libido, it draws them all ever closer to a blood rite that usually ends these orgies.

Will our hunks and babes escape this haunted mansion (do they even want to)? Is Gene Rayburn slated to do a sequel? Are hyper libidos in horror films a plot device we just don't see enough of? This film has a lot of nudity, deviant sex, and more nudity. Fondling, steamy lesbian action, and very rough heterosexual sex will fill the 90 minutes on the silver screen with this one. For a film that will stoke your prurient interests, see "Stormswept."   

Head Cheerleader Dead Cheerleader, Cheer Squad Axed

Nubile high school cheerleaders in much peril, often in states of undress. Enough said! Guess who the cheerleading coach is...Debbie Rochon (and she has a gratuitous hot tub scene).  Pity!  Someone with an axe isn't as fond of cheerleaders as we are.  Pom poms will be bloodied, slumber parties will be massacred, and our nubile cheerleaders will die quite horribly.  Today we look at 2000's "Head Cheerleader Dead Cheerleader," directed by Jeff Miller.

Heather (Tasha Biering) is the sultry head cheerleader of her high school squad.  She's dating a football jock, Danny (Dan Roach).  High school babe Jezebel (Amber Coker) is ticked at Heather as Heather cut her from the team. Heather's partner on the squad is decapitated and so it begins.  A mysterious phone caller harasses Heather and promises to kill her and all the other cheerleaders.  Cheerleading coach Reilly (Rochon) will have a gratuitous hot tub scene which will end with an axe and you wincing...ouch! The beautiful will be felled by an axe man, including the remnants of a cheerleading slumber party where Violet (Beth Hunt) and Rose (Amy R. Beattie) will die horribly.  This after the frisky Molly (Noelle Manuel) gives us a topless cheer.

Suspects! Let's be real.  If you are a sultry cheerleading captain, there are automatically five dozen people with motive to kill you. Ex-boyfriends...rival cheerleaders...current boyfriends...town perverts...but get this...the football team she cheers for may also want Heather dead. The local newspaper is filled with stories that failed cheerleading routines led to the football team's last defeat. Now Heather has reason to fear everyone...and as midnight on Halloween approaches, everyone seems to have a reason to go see her.

Did the banishment of NFL cheerleaders in the 2020 season have more to do with the fact these lovely ladies actually look like they are giving their all...as opposed to the over-rated and pampered players? Is the sultry Heather heading down the same path as damsels in Giallo films? Is this film a thinly veiled metaphor for the misogyny professional and collegiate cheerleaders face from male and female athletes? This is a good exploitation/horror film with a lot of cheese, gore, and Debbie Rochon. For a titillating good time, see "Head Cheerleader Dead Cheerleader."