Spasms, Big Snake Finds Babes

It is a good thing that it did.  The bikini babes, and nude blonde in the shower give this one some merit.  Peter Fonda, Oliver Reed, and the grouchy leading lady certainly do not. The monster snake? When the f/x people mail in their effort...sad. Today we have what appears to be a made-for-TV movie, but isn't. A high death count and some thrown in scenes of nudity and various babe sin peril highlight 1983's "Spasms," directed by William Fruet.

In a remote island in Micronesia, billionaire Jason (Reed) is almost killed and left paralyzed in a hunting expedition for a god snake. His brother is killed, and now his ravishing niece, Suzanne (Kerrie Keane) lives with him at his mansion. Another expedition captures the snake and sends it to the US, as contracted by Jason. Uh oh...Jason has a telepathic relationship with the big serpent, and hires Thomas (Peter Fonda), an ESP  researcher, to study it and figure out why Jason can see what the snake sees when the snake kills. Of note, a snake cult also seeks this snake. Sadly the cult is mostly a red herring and of only significance when it botches a theft and setting the snake is loose in southern California. I know, we are cheering for the snake. Jason makes no progress but the two babes in his lab will eventually be murdered by the thing.

Allison (Laurie J. Brown), a lab tech in Thomas' lab, is followed home by the snake and grabbed by the snake, and thrown into the shower with the naked babe Sharon (Sandra Awalt). The scene is priceless. The snake also converges on a bikini babe (Moira Shone), but allows her to live. Suzanne yells at people and we do hope she gets it. Thomas romances Suzanne, but for the life of us, we don't know why...maybe he likes to get yelled at.  The snake cult does nothing of any significance, and Jason goes into trances and watches nude or scantily clad babes as the snake nears them. The cops yell at Jason and ask him to tell them where the snake is.  Suzanne yells some more, and Thomas keeps trying to get in her pants. Maybe he surmises that all Suzanne needs is a good...recreational outlet.

Will there be a showdown between Jason and the snake?  Will Suzanne be clobbered in a catfight by the surviving babe in the white bikini (see above pic)? Does Oliver Reed have a Freudian hang-up about big snakes, as he would also star in "Venom" with Susan George, who plays a kinky French maid? Sadly, "Spasms" works on a MST3K level, but for some good cheese, a grouchy leading lady, and wooden performances by Fonda and Reed, see this film. 

Tropical Parasite, Sultry and Nude Asian Babes in Peril

Sometimes they have some nice bikinis on...usually they are just nude. Asian babes. Thai? Indonesian? Filipino? Doesn't matter. Sadly, these babes are in peril from slithery parasites that slither all over their shiny tanned skin, or infest their innards. When its not parasites that are troubling them, its probing tentacles form sea creatures that would even make HP Lovecraft blush. No, not a story from Jane Austen but some imaginative deviance from Jared Masters. Our feature today is "Tropical Parasite." Okay, AI is used in this one, but Mr. Master's use of AI is better than any Stanley Kubrick film that doesn't use AI.

As our film begins, Asian babe Orange (Ryza Mae) wades in the surf. She is trying to get the attention of her beau Leo (Masters). Instead, parasites bore into her and infest all her organs. Such an erotic death. Leo is a treasure hunter and is in The Philippines to seek treasure.  Uh oh, he has caught the eye of Zun (Jassmin Roxas), a creature that can take human form, and what human form she can take! Total Asian babe! Mermaid! Leo falls in love with her. Zun has a problem, the goddess of the sea, another naked Asian babe Arisara (Althea Lacson) rules Zun and her equally nude and beautiful sisters. She will not let them fall in love with humans. Leo has another problem, the Filipino authorities are corrupt and do not want him looting the country's treasures.

A chase scene ensues and half of Manila goes up in flames...TYSM AI! It may have been AI, but more exciting than anything in "Avatar" or "The Devil Wears Prada 2." Anyway, more naked Asian babes in the sea...in Leo's bed...washing dishes...on the phone...or being infested with little slithery creatures in the surf. Leo is right out of a Film Noir film and his cynicism and eye for trouble does not prevent him from engaging in pre-marital sex with human or sea creature. Okay, Arisara gets stronger and the babe will manifest tentacles that will provide difficulty for the more nubile of sea creatures, or the mermaid things. Leo must act and that means a confrontation with the great tentacled beauty.

I know what your asking, is this film a reimaging of the Guy de Maupassant story "Flowers for Emily"? The de Maupassant influence runs through the works of Jared Masters, except Masters utilizes naked Asian babes a lot better...as de Maupassant merely objectifies the Asian babes. In any sense, face it, you want naked Asian babes jiggling around, in the surf, or in the kitchen, so do yourself a favor and see "Tropical Parasite" on either Fawesome or Plex streaming services.      

The Night Digger, Spinster Horror

They're all lunatics!  Every last one of them.  Yep, there is one who is more of a lunatic than the rest.  Hence a horror film from England.  But wait...and you'll have to.  If it is a horror film you are looking for, you'll have to wait a bit through the tortured plot. Tortured?  Uncomfortable, maybe.  Awkward, have you. Anyway, when we look for final girls we don't look for the middle-aged Patricia Neal. Let us look at a horror film that will make you squirm...for various reasons.  Our feature today is 1971's "The Night Digger," directed by Alastair Reid, and music composed by a Hitchcock favorite, Bernard Herrmann, and co-written by Roald Dahl.

Maura, having survived an aneurism, is a hobbling spinster. She works two hours a week helping stroke victims at the hospital, and she does it well. The hospital wants her full time and Maura desires this except...well...her real job is 24/7 taking care of her blind, invalid mother Edith (Pamela Brown). Edith is demanding and enjoys having Maura serve her all day.  Edith reminds Maura that she has taken care of her for years and now its Maura's turn. They two old women live in a cavernous and falling apart mansion that needs total maintenance. Thy will take in a boarder, but when a guy recommended at church falls through, the handsome stud Billy (Nicholas Clay) shows up with his motorcycle. Billy? All he wants is room and board in exchange for fixing up the mansion for free. Edith is all for it, Maura is skeptical. Edith makes all decisions and gives Billy Maura's pristine bedroom, and now Maura can move to a cot next to Edith's room.

Okay...so here comes another plot device...the priest (Peter Sallis) is going to have his tally-whacker cut off because he wants to be a woman.  The magnanimous guy that he is, he will give it to his wife (Yootha Joyce) so the doctors can sew it onto her and she can become a man. Let's not dwell on this point and get back to Billy, Maura, and Edith. Maura begins to get a crush on Billy, but Billy is not into women 30 years older...not yet. Edith sees Maura getting attached to Billy and now sees Billy as competing for Maura's attention...and wants him gone. They bring Billy to church and Billy sees the sultry Mary (Diana Patrick). What follows are numerous ominous rapes and murders.  The scenes are drawn out and heartbreaking.  Apparently Billy has a problem with sultry babes...so naturally he...well...you know.  You think you know what follows? Ha! It won't be easy to watch, I assure you.

Will Maura and Edith figure out they have a veritable Ted Bundy under their roof?  If they do figure it out, will they necessarily want him gone?  Will Billy's proclivity to rape and murder babes make him more attractive to the spinster Maura?  This is a weird quirky one, and again, I caution you the rape, torture, and murder scenes are hard to take.  For a nasty one with excellent performances, especially by Patricia Neal, that will leave  you in need of a shower to get the grime off, see "The Night Digger."   

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, High School Juniors Shredded

All the boys? Apparently not Johnny Depp. Poor Amber Heard.  That big lawsuit hit the media at a time when #MeToo was beginning to lose all credibility.  Exposed as a fraud and an extortion ring, #MeToo had its day in the limelight, but it was short.  Like Black Lives Matter, the lie was not sustainable. Hence Amber Heard was humiliated and is now looked upon as a joke. Today we have her magnum opus, a weird, twisted, awkward, and pretentious slasher film that has not  aged well.  Lets us look at the grainy and uncomfortable "All the Boys Love Mandy Lane." This 2006 film was directed by Jonathan Levine.

High school juniors, who might have felt comfortable in the 1986 gritty film "River's Edge," want to engage in brutal and deviant sex with Mandy Lane (Heard). The gals in class, all into body image, look in the mirror and see how inferior they are to Mandy. After a weird death (Murder?) scene opens the film, Mandy hesitantly accepts and invite to a weekend at classmate Red's (Aaron Himelstein) ranch. The high school juniors, looking a lot like 25 year olds, are all unlikable. Cheerleader Marlin (Melissa Price) is brutally honest about her intention to engage in pre-marital sex with Jake (Luke Grimes). Chloe (Whitney Able) will be everyone's favorite damsel in peril as she runs and jiggles clad in lacy pink satin lingerie. Oh, Garth (Anson Mount), is the hunk ranch hand and 10 years older than the kids, but he is the caretaker of the ranch. Mandy likes him...  He will do his best to stay away from the jailbait.

Marijuana, alcohol, and the dreaded game "Truth or Dare" amuses the kids after an afternoon of swimming in the pond. Garth? He does a yeoman's job trying to resist temptation, but Mandy bats her eyes at him. The goal of the weekend is to engage in pre-marital sex with Mandy, though Chloe and Marlin seek to screw all the hunks before Mandy gives it up to them. What follows? A killer!  Gory kills.  Heartbreaking kills.  Blood and guts.  The beautiful and handsome will suffer so much in this one. Mandy? Well, that's kind of complicated...you'll see.

Will Garth give into temptation and screw the 16-year old vixen? Will catfights occur between Marlin, Chloe, and Mandy? Who is the killer, and why is he (or she) turning a prurient orgy filled weekend into a gorefest?  This is a brutal one and not the feel good film of 2006. The cheese and beef factors are sky high as is the gore-meter.  For a real horror film that spills a lot of blood, see "All the Boys Love Mandy Lane."   

Cold Eyes of Fear, Judicial Corruption Giallo Style

Is she a whore? Yes!  Is she a slut? Yes! Is she a b***h? Yes.  But we like her 'cause she's a Euro-Babe! Sadly, we know what happens to sultry Euro-Babes in Giallo films. The lovely Giovanna Ralli plays the whore in today's film, and we really pull for her, but will that be enough to keep her alive as the end credits roll? In these Italian Giallo films, the beautiful die so horribly. Oh, by the way, those three descriptors above are thrown at her freely by every other character in this movie...but they do apply. Our movie today is the Italian film, set in London, 1971's "Cold Eyes of Fear," directed by Enzo G. Castellari.

Opening scene, a sultry whore (Karin Schubert) admires herself and feels herself up while clad in kinky black lingerie. A killer walks in with a knife, chases her around, cuts her lingerie off, and goes about raping her. But wait! The Euro-Babe grabs the knife and kills her rapist. Relevant to the film? No! But who cares?  How can this scene, right out of "The English Patient," not be relevant to this movie? We call that gratuitous and prurient. Anyway, the handsome lawyer Peter (Gianni Garko) steals a whore, Anna (Ralli), from an old bald guy. Anna is happy and Peter wants sex.  Peter brings Anna to his  uncle's mansion for drinks and pre-marital sex. Uh oh...an intruder is already there, Quill (Julian Mateos), and he has already murdered the butler.

Now  Quill holds Anna and Peter at knifepoint. The uncle is Judge Bedell (Fernando Rey), and he has already called to tell Peter to lose the whore. Quill waits and Welt (Frank Wolf) arrives. Welt is a homicidal lunatic, too, and the judge sentenced him to 15 years...15 years ago. Now out, and feeling as if he's been unfairly treated by the justice system, he plans on murdering Judge Bedell, proving his innocence and engage in some misogyny against Anna the whore. Now, to stay alive, Peter and Anna will have to work together to outwit and defeat these two psychos. Peter has intelligence, and Anna the whore has beauty and seduction. Anna will be slapped, punched, and slapped some more. Welt and Quill will become more unhinged. Peter begins to realize his uncle, the judge, may have been corrupted when handing down Welt's sentence 15 years ago.

Will Anna survive until the end credits?  Will Quill or Welt take sexual liberties with the dame they regard as a mere whore? Is there a chance that the so-called whore, or slut, emerges as the great hero and restores justice to the system, and decimates two psychos? This is an erotic and deviant Giallo thriller, and as usual, will not be the feel-good film of the year. See "Cold Eyes of Fear" and cheer for a whore.    

Lake Placid: Legacy, Big Croc Eats Hunks and Babes

You know what they say, Maine is like Africa without the glitter. Yep, a film about Lake Placid, the one from the Syfy films about a big crocodile, was shot in...South Africa. Cheaper than Maine, no doubt, and no union issues. I think this is the final 'Lake Placid' film of the series, too bad.  Syfy had a nice franchise going and always provided babes in peril being eaten. Bikini babes.  Nude babes.  Babes engaging in pre-marital sex. Oh, yes...their boyfriends also got eaten. We may have cheered for the reptile, but we always liked the cheese and beef in these films. Let us look at 2018's "Lake Placid: Legacy," directed by Darrell Roodt.

A team of five eco-terrorists, or activists, find out about a zoned off area of Maine. The government provides no information as to why it is zoned off, and our merry, but good looking, idiots assume it is because capitalist pig-corporations dumped toxic waste there. Two sisters, Jade (Katherine Barrell) and Alice (Sai Bennett) are our favorite characters. One is a reporter, the other an environmentalist activist, and both serve as our damsels in distress.  Along with them is Jade's boy-toy Sam (Tom Rozon), tech guy Billy (Luke Newton), and wise guy Spencer (Craig Stern). They get two sympathetic guides, Pennie (Alisha Bailey) and Travis (Greg Kriek) to bring them into the Lake Placid area. The team wants to uncover the secrets there and inform the world. Uh oh...no radioactivity in their readings, just torn apart eco-terrorist (or activist) teams that have beaten them to the sight. Yep...the crocodile has feasted on eco-warriors. Yay!

Now the team and guides are on the run and take refuge in a menacing looking complex that was a secret laboratory. Yep, whatever happened in that lab, over 20 years ago, bred big crocs. On the run again, the team finds a scientist, Henderson (Joe Pantoliano), who is proud of his pharmaceutical company's efforts to create a vaccine. So it created a big croc instead...it is still magnificent. Now the film is set in a cavernous facility which the croc seems to have access to all of it.  One by one, the hunks and babes are eaten.  Henderson knows a lot more than he is letting on. The babes get all wet and look good in peril as they drip cold water on the run...can't beat big crocodile movies.

Will Jade and Alice, all dripping wet and out of breath, engage in a catfight for Sam's affections? Will the gator (okay, so it is a croc...same difference) continue serving mankind and eat all of these eco-warriors? Is Green Peace all but gone today because of big crocodiles created by Big Pharma? This is actually a good one, and unlike the prior 'Lake Placid' films, this one has no humor or wit, just gore and horror. See "Lake Placid: Legacy" and enjoy another one in which we cheer for the monster...and a possible catfight.  

Hollywood Hells, Gratuitous and Bacchanal Gore and Babes

Starts off as a gore-fest and increases in intensity throughout. Yep, a gratuitous slasher film tapping on every actress' fear, and a very real one, when the low-budget production company they are acting for is a mere funnel into snuff film roles. Are snuff films real? Many in law enforcement say no.  Of course those same feds say Oswald assassinated JFK. Right! Of course, if they are real, the snuff filmmakers have a peril...they are working with dames. Never easy. Today we look at something I viewed on the streaming service Fawesome, 2026's "Hollywood Hells" (aka "Cutthroat"), directed by Ben Peyser.

Aspiring actress Vega (Fernanda Romero) is let go from the low-budget slasher film she is working on. She has a baby at home and issues related to that. Her director and producer are not sympathetic. Now with a new born baby at home, and a mom (Bertila Damas) who is sick of playing nanny, Vega needs a job. Her buddy Lupe (Bruna Rubio) brings her to a party in the Hollywood Hills where every doer and player will be there. Also tagging along is the beautiful Asian actress Leslie (Jiaoying Summers) and a couple more. Vega is out of her element as all the guys are in tuxedos and the party is masterfully catered. The hostess, Madam Gold (Helen Manassian) inspects the young Hispanic actress and then sets the room on her.  Now Vega is prepped for a screentest and she is excited.  Uh oh...it calls for her to be raped. An actor tries, and Vega slits his throat.

Bob Gold (Brian Austin Green), the head of operations, filmed the whole thing and loved what he saw. Now he plans on sending Vega to all sorts of sets to be killed or to do the killing. Vega fights hard.  Her beautiful buddies are in cages and prepped for rape and murder. Vega fights hard and even bites some unfortunate actor's tally-whacker off. Now Bob reaches out and pulls in some more leverage.  Now Vega is not just fighting for her own freedom, but the freedom of her beautiful actress friends, and her baby boy. Vega turns homicidal but there are dozens of aroused men who seek to rape her and cut her up. Bob is convinced he has found his girl, but to do what with?  With her baby being held at knifepoint, Vega grabs a sword and...well, you'll see.

Will Vega survive and rescue her baby and babe friends? Will any of the snuff film actors go uncastrated?  If Vega does survive, will she be uniquely qualified for the final girl role in any upcoming slasher film? This is a bloody one and the ending...incredibly gory...and then a post-ending that is even bloodier.  For a bacchanal orgy of babes and blood, see "Hollywood Hells" on Fawesome.