Shark Warning, A Great White Shark and Fish Sandwiches

Don't wince!  We have a shark movie from our buddies at The Asylum. Regardless of plot, there are some important aspects of this film that deserve discussion. First, Angela Cole is cast as the bikini babe in peril. Her in a bikini is perfection and you will be very pleased. Point two...fish sandwiches! See, Lisa, played by Ms. Cole, makes the greatest fish sandwiches in the world.  Folks from all over the world arrive in Arizona to take a bite out of her fish sandwiches.  If you get anywhere near this character, she will push one of her fish sandwiches on you.  Sadly, these fish sandwiches are absolutely awful. Go to McD's and have their Filet-o-Fish instead. However, if your real goal is to see a sultry blonde in a bikini, go get one of the aforementioned sandwiches. Our feature today is 2024's "Shark Warning," directed by Jimmy Gadd.

Fish sandwiches? Pertinent to the plot.  Well, yes, I have to give it that.  The first half of this film is dominated by Lisa pushing these sandwiches. Sadly, no one wants to tell the bikini babe they aren't any good. Still, her bikini scenes are top notch. Our bikini babe is third billed, the top two are David Chokachi as Uncle Ron, and Andrew J. Katers as the useless and grouchy hunk Alan. We desire both these dolts to be eaten. Frankly, Lisa could do a lot better than Alan. Omitting the backstory, Alan and Uncle Ron team up to try to murder a Great White shark in Lake Haversu.  When the bikini babe Sienna (Lauren Pike) is attacked, these two idiots go onto the lake, but not before meeting with a heavy arms dealer, the bikini-clad Lisa. The price? Lisa insists on going, too.  See, Sienna is her sister.

What does one wear on a shark hunt? A red string bikini, and Lisa does it well. Also hunting the shark, not including the schmucks who have already tried and failed, is Mayor Wendy Stuart (Rebecca Ritz).  She is a Nancy Pelosi look-a-like, hence we cheer for her to get eaten. Wait!  A Great White on lake Havasu in the middle of Arizona? Just go with it, this is after all The Asylum. The shark is a big one and both Alan and Ron have a history with it that dates back 20 years. Lisa? Yep, she'll fall in the lake, get all wet, and be in much peril.

That's enough of the plot.  Back to those fish sandwiches...if you see this movie, get ready to be deluged with a lot of dialogue centering on those fish sandwiches. True, this film has a great shark, too. For a bikini babe that should have made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches instead of those rancid fish sandwiches, see "Shark Warning."

 

Blood Barn, The Evil Dead Reimagined?

Wait! Really? Sam Raimi's classic 1981 "The Evil Dead"? Right.  I know, you are saying "Don't tell me there is a scene where a monster tree rapes someone with its roots." Well, let's just say, watch this film. Obviously influenced by that aforementioned movie, also the works of Lucio Fulci...and John Carpenter's "Prince of Darkness." Mash them all together and we have the 2025 Gabriel Bernini film, "Blood Barn." Even the car they drive is a throwback to the Raimi classic. Yes...there are amorous tree roots in this one, too.

Okay, the pretty Josie (Lena Redford) and her six friends are going to spend the weekend at her grandmother's farm. The kids graduated and will all disperse to college soon. Her bestie is the blonde skank Rachel (Chloe Cherry) who hopes to be nailed by hunk Eric (Samuel Lanier) this weekend. Amanda (Bambina) is a weird babe, kind of Goth, but not quite. She is comfortable in deviance. Simon (Simon Paris) will eventually fall in love with Josie. There are more but they have "die horribly" written on their foreheads. Oh, something happened long ago and ghosts abound, or demons, and want to claim Josie. When a weird chest is opened in the neighboring barn, evil is set free. Possession occurs and a slimy tentacled creature arises. Also arising are tree roots that burrow underground, grab you by the ankles, drag you into the woods, and...well, you'll see.

This film serves as a demon possession film, a creature feature, and a slasher film all in one. The creature loves burrowing into one's skin and...well, you'll see. Amanda, the weird one, will be possessed first as she is raped by the tentacled thing in the bathtub. Happens. One by one the high school grads fall in horrible ways. Simon and Josie get close and what they will then experience will be bloody, evil, and quite disgusting.  The pretty Rachel will man-up, grab a hoe when Josie grabs a rake, and together they set out to war against the tree roots. Simon will have his own problems as tree rape seems to be in his future.  Where does this all lead? You'll see.

Will Josie emerge, just as Ash did in "The Evil Dead"? Wait, Ash didn't really make it out of that movie. Will Simon find true love with Josie, or with the tree?  Will the blonde skank Rachel survive this film even though she had pre-marital sex with Eric earlier? Eric didn't.  This is a fun one and if you are a fan of Lucio Fulci and "The Evil Dead," see "Blood Barn."  

Young Blondes, Stalked and Murdered, Heartbreak and Blood

Oh, to be a young aspiring actress in LA! Exciting? probably not. Scary? Probably. You lose your connection to who you really are and search for someone you are expected to be. What results is vulnerability and helplessness...then maybe you go psychotic...and then die.  Okay, our film today has an ominous tone and a promise for a vicious ending.  It is also the magnum opus of a fine young actress, Samantha Carroll, who knocks home a role similar to Catherine Deneuve's role in "Repulsion." Let us look at 2024's "Young Blondes, Stalked and Murdered," directed by Nick Funess.

Stacy (Carroll) is an aspiring actress who moved to LA from Minneapolis...and it ain't happening for her. She's pretty...but in LA you need to be beautiful. She's awkward and just a bit too desperate. Her friend the beautiful and not desperate Josie (Elle Chapman), takes pity on her and sends a role her way. This will go as awkward as anything else in Stacy's life. Josie has friends, and maybe a boyfriend.  Josie has roles and a social life.  Stacy has only her fears, vulnerability, and desperation. Oh, as a backdrop, young blonde actresses are being felled by a serial killer. Oddly, Stacy sees this as some sort of recognition.  Recognition is something that Stacy's life lacks.

As the film progresses, Stacy falls more and more into a psychosis that will ruin her if she doesn't get it checked.  Her actions get more and more anti-social.  She loves horror films, especially "The Driller Killer."  I know...our kind of babe. She's obsessed with great blonde actresses of yesteryear. Josie inches ahead in her career, and Stacy inches backwards.  Backwards from...nothing, that is. We fear for Stacy as we think we know her fate.  But, is her lack of success actually saving her form something?  Anyway, there is a killer on the loose and as the film draws to its ending...he gets closer.

Is Stacy going to survive the serial killer and/or herself?  Will Stacy act out in her jealousy of Josie?  Is there any way humanly possible that Stacy will land a part?  We like Stacy...she's really pretty and she likes horror films.  Our heart breaks for her as we surmise what her acting future holds. We are horrified as she appears on a collision course with a vicious killer. This is a hard one to watch, but if you liked "Repulsion," "Young Blondes, Stalked and Murdered" would be a terrific companion piece to it.

Strait-Jacket, Joan Crawford in a William Castle Fright-Fest

Back in 1964, our film today shocked movie audiences. Axe murders, decapitations, and the demise of the Six-Million Dollar Man.  A 2026 audience will pick up on the shocking twists right away.  Still, this is a horrific movie, and because it is done by William Castle, it is also so much fun.  With a booming musical tract, a free-swinging axe, and screaming women, "Strait-Jacket" is our feature today.

20 years ago, Lucy (Joan Crawford) comes home early, drunk. Her much younger husband (Lee Majors) is screwing a skank (Patricia Crest) in the marital bed. Lucy grabs an axe and chops the two of them up into little pieces. Witnesses? Only one, Lucy's three-year old daughter.  Now, 20 years later, Carol (Diane Baker) the daughter is a beautiful woman, and almost engaged to the wealthy hunk Michael (John Anthony Hayes). Lucy, cured, has been released from the insane asylum and is coming home. Did I say cured? Well, maybe not quite all the way cured. Lucy's brother Bill (Leif Erickson) and his wife Emily (Rochelle Hudson) have raised Carol. All are happy to see Lucy. who still gives off a vibe of insanity. Carol desperately wants her mom back. She brings her to the beauty parlor, buys her new clothes, and tries to introduce her to Michael. Some of this goes well...well, actually, none of it goes well. Lucy still has the look of an axe murderer.

Then heads roll...literally.  Lucy appears to be getting increasingly unhinged. Her doctor (Mitchell Cox) stops by to pay Lucy a visit and promptly loses his head. The menacing field hand (George Kennedy) knows what is going on and he loses his head. Carol finds the bodies but desperately wants her mom after her 20 year absence.  The beautiful young lady hides the bodies.  Carol is determined to keep her mom out of the asylum. The axe murders are not done...and Lucy seems to be getting more and more unhinged.

Should Carol have gone to the police and turned in her mom? Wait!  This is a William Castle film...is it possible Lucy is not the killer?  Just how psycho does one have to be to be able to cut the Six-Million Dollar Man into tiny pieces? This is a loud one with vicious scenes and horrific imagery.  The last scene with the final reveal will be one that sticks in your consciousness for a long time. For one of the finest axe-murderer movies ever made, see "Strait-Jacket."

Mind Ripper, It Eats Brains

How have I missed this one all these years? Not expecting much, I was blown away. From Executive Producer Wes Craven, we have a good one for you that dates back to the 90s. Sweaty babes in peril! A fiend that eats brains! Lance Henriksen! A gratuitous shower scene! Tentacle gore! Genetic mad scientists! A virus out of control! No, not "Mystic Pizza," but something more human and sensitive.  Our feature today is 1995's "Mind Ripper," directed by Joe Gayton.

An almost dead man is found in the desert by mad scientists. They haul the hunk (Dan Blom) into a nuclear bunker converted to a genetic laboratory. Jim (Henriksen) and his team of mad scientists has created a virus that cures death. They inject the new subject with it. Jim gets mad when the army converts their experiments to creating genetically created super soldiers. Jim just wanted to cure...death. Great!  Those annoying old relatives who smell like rubbing alcohol? Why not have them around forever? Back to the plot. Jim quits as his conscience does not want to create super soldiers. The five remaining scientists stay in the bunker and one day, will be running for their lives as the test subject, called Thor, wakes and begins eating the brains of the scientists. We like and cheer for Joanne (Claire Stansfield), cause she is a babe and gives us a gratuitous shower scene. Alex (John Diehl) is the one who gave Thor extra virus causing him to get up, grow a tentacle, and eat brains.

Okay, one by one, Thor eats the heads of the brainiacs. Meanwhile, the team can't call out or leave.  They are trapped underground as the thing hunts them by moving through ventilation ducts. Jim, don't ask why, brings his family to the bunker to check on things...and to check on Joanne, who is quite the babe. Jim's daughter Wendy (Natasha Gregson Wagner) is a perky beauty and her fiancé Mark (Adam Solomon) is also there for the ride. Also with Jim is his loser and cranky son, Scott (Giovanni Ribisi). They get in, but won't be able to get out as Thor goes through geneticists like crap through a goose. Now Jim and family are being hunted by Thor, and eventually they hook up with Joanne who is all sweaty and determined to survive. Uh oh...indications that Thor, just like us, has a crush on Wendy.

Will Wendy figure out that Joanne is the reason her parents got divorced and engage in a catfight with her?  Will Thor act on his crush and stick his tentacle in Wendy's...well, I withdraw this question...only because it is in bad taste.  Will Jim, as the only mad scientist with morals, be able to get his family and the sultry Joanne out of the underground laboratory?  This is a good one that did not get a whole lot of attention back in the 90s. For a fun movie set in an underground laboratory, see "Mind Ripper." 

Ted Bunny, Dee Wallace Headlines Slasher Epic

Okay, epic is a bit of a strong word. Still, the kill count will be astronomical. It is hard to believe Ted Bundy was in his heyday a half century ago...then finally executed in January of 1989 in north Florida. Before his death, he was interviewed and told all...or did he?  Most likely he merely manipulated the interviewers. Unlike the Amityville murders, Ted Bundy did not become a horror franchise.  Well, maybe that will start today.  Our first 2026 release, this one starring Dee Wallace, is "Ted Bunny," directed by Michael Fredianelli.

In 1975 Ted Bundy was raping and murdering sorority girls. Sad. We all know the story. Hence Catherine (Dee Wallace, but the 1975 Catherine is played by Rosanna Wyant). She was supposed to be a victim and after Ted (Bryan Palacios) raped her in front of a bunny rabbit, she escaped. Pregnant with Ted Bundy's baby, she botched an abortion and now the offspring, Theodore (Trent Avvenire) lives in her basement...a secret from the rest of the world. Enter a documentary film crew headed by Sasha (Diana Roman) and her crew.  She wants the story of Catherine's ordeal 50 years ago.  Her crew...they'll die horribly in a few moments. Sasha believes Catherine though she comes across as a crazy old loon. During a break, the sound guy and camera guy sneak into the basement and find a girl captive and then are cut up by Theodore.  Theodore wears a bunny mask.  Now only Sasha remains of the crew and she escapes. 

Catherine cleans up the mess and when the cops come by, no sign of any carnage. Now Sasha is considered the loon by the cops except for Dante (Brad Satterwhite), a hunk deputy. Together he and Sasha try to find Theodore, who is now on the loose. Theodore finds campers, murders them in graphic fashion, and then another dozen or so, and murders them in gory fashion. Dante and Sasha need help and call Sasha's stupid friends...you can guess their fate. Catherine? Well, you'll see...but it won't be easy to watch. Dante wants to murder Theodore...but Sasha kind of feels sorry for him.  See where this is going? Theodore murders everyone he comes across, and Sasha and Dante follow the carnage and close in.

Will Dante and Sasha find and kill the homicidal bunny-man?  Does Catherine have any more surprises now that Theodore is free from his basement captivity? Will Sasha's pity for Theodore manifest in an ungodly ending?  The strength of this slasher film is Dee Wallace, who is an amazing actress.  Like many slasher films, we find ourselves rooting for the killer rabbit guy.  For a vicious slasher film that will remind you of the horror that befell college girls back in the 1970s, see "Ted Bunny."

The Flame Barrier, Babe in the Jungle with Brutes, Savages, and a Monster

The babe we speak of is Miss New Jersey 1949...Kathleen Crowley. She's a doll.  In this one she will sweat a lot, be in peril from snakes, lizards, more snakes, and insects. She sweats well, and as you will see...she will also kiss well. We have a neat scifi/monster film from the late 50s that looks ahead to space exploration before we even got up there. Our feature today, set in the Yucatan jungle, and also featuring a chimpanzee, is 1958's "The Flame Barrier," directed by Paul Landres.

A space satellite is rocketed up into orbit. When it gets 200 miles up it collides with the flame barrier and blows up...or does it? Dr. Howard Dahlmann (Dan Gachman) believes it fell back to Earth and landed in the Mexican jungle. He sets off to find it and goes missing. Now his sultry wife, Carol (Crowley), comes to Mexico and hires Dave (Arthur Franz) and his drunk brother Matt (Robert Brown) to guide her into the dangerous jungle to find Howard. They both tell her that he could not have survived in that jungle, but Carol is insistent. Does she love her hubby? She doesn't know, which to me sounds like "NO!" The hunks bring her in and enlist local Indians. They carry the heavy stuff and get scared at weird phenomena that occurs. Carol is steadfast and Matt and Dave continue the trek with her.

Dave saves Carol form poisonous snakes and yells at her a lot.  She yells back.  The two sweat a lot and finally lock lips, swap spit, and grind themselves against the other. Passion ensues and Matt becomes the third wheel. There is a mission and Carol and the boys plough deeper into the jungle and find skeletons and Indians who have been attacked by some acid monster.  The poor souls burn alive. Then they find a chimp...in Mexico!  See, there was a chimp aboard the satellite which tells them the craft did land back on Earth and was not destroyed in space.  Then they find...well, its ungodly. It is also a threat to the very existence of this planet.  No...not aerosol products but something slimy and pulsating.

Will Dave and Carol forget that she is married and give each other passion like neither one of them has ever experienced?  What of Howard, and is he dead?  What is this thing secreted in the jungle that poses such a threat to all mankind?  Kathleen Crowley turns in a steamy performance and has some gratuitous scenes...at least for 1958.  She came in sixth in the Miss America Pageant when the babes in that contest were indeed babes.  Begs the question, who were, and where are the top five dames in that pageant?  See "The Flame Barrier" and enjoy a sweaty dame in mortal peril film.