Survive, Frenchies vs. Crabs

Today we have an interesting one from France. Set in the Caribbean sea, on a yacht...initially...all you-know-what breaks loose. Try not to pay too much attention to the annoying family, the imagery is horrific and haunting as the ocean floor becomes...well, the desert...in a matter of seconds.  Trade in scorpions for crabs, and we have a Mother Nature gone spastic film.  Let us look at 2024's "Survive," directed by Frederic Jardin.

Sweet! A rich family on a yacht.  The dad is Tom (Andreas Pietschmann), and he is an oceanographer. His lovely wife is a doctor, Julia (Emilie Dequenne). They have two teens, Ben (Lucas Ebel) and Cassie (Lisa Delamar). While yachting, the weirdness starts. Meteors fall from the sky all around the boat. Uh oh, they are not meteors. Whales do weird things. Then tons more debris from the sky. Morning arrives and the Caribbean Sea is a desert. See, the poles reversed and this caused the oceans to go inland, wipe out Miami and Cuba, and now the land is where the oceans used to be. The yacht becomes the S.S. Minnow and the skipper is dad, Tom. They reach another survivor on the radio, Nao (Olivier Ho Hio Hen). He is a few days away but has a deep sea submersible. The family will try to reach him because Nao has some weird news for them.  The oceans, currently in Miami? Yep, they'll be back soon.

Not wanting to drown, the family makes a perilous trek to Nao and his Jacques Cousteau mobile. The landscape is perilous.  Hordes!  Millions of man eating arthropods (crabs) and the oxygen has driven them ravenous. More trouble! Harpoon man (Arben Bajraktaraj) wants to murder them all, and maybe rape Julia and Cassie first. The trek will take them by beached container ships, big sharks, whales...all out of their element. The harpoon guy gets closer...and the family gets more desperate to survive.

Will the family survive and make it to the deep sea submersible?  If the seas do return, what will be the condition of Miami when they reach it? What other surprises does the ocean floor have for these survivors? This is a neat one as the ocean floor will be forced to give up its dead on full display. It won't be pretty.  For a weird one, with horrific imagery...and crabs, add "Survivor" to your next binge watching session of "Deadliest Catch."

The Curse of King Tut's Tomb, RIP Eva Marie Saint

I was saddened to learn of the death of Eva Marie Saint.  The fine actress passed away earlier this week at the age of 102. Ironically, she starred in our film today "The Curse of King Tut's Tomb." Originally this film aired as a two-part miniseries on NBC on May 8th and 9th, 1980.  Here's the spooky part. Raymond Burr was also in this film...and he's dead, too. Coincidence, or curse? You decide. Today let us dive into Eva Marie Saint's magnum opus in a film directed by Philip Leacock...and wouldn't you know...he's also dead. This can't be a coincidence!

Archaeologist Howard Carter (Robin Ellis) finds the damned tomb...in Egypt...go figure. Oddly enough, a weird medium, Princess Vilma (Wendy Hiller...also dead), at a seance at the castle of Lord George (Harry Andrews...also dead), she told everyone they would die. Inscriptions inside the tomb also warned anyone who defiled the final resting place of Tut, that they would die if they disturbed his rest. Howard does not believe in curses and falls in love with Lord George's daughter, Evelyn (Angharad Rees...also dead). He'll dump the nubile babe when American reporter Sarah Morrissey (Eva Marie Saint) shows up to report on the find. She's old enough to be Howard's mother, but the two will lock lips and swap spit all the same...ick. The greedy Egyptian heavy, Jonash (Burr) conspires to have the government throw Howard out of the desert and hand the dig over to him.

Jonash has already murdered the lovely burglar Giovanni (Barbara Murray...also dead) for some rare papyrus that probably is key to the plot. Trying to stay above the fray, Howard must deal with cutthroats like Hasan (Tom Baker, the Dr. Who guy...not dead yet, but he keeps falling in pits of scorpions). Howard who obviously has a mommy complex is drawn closer to Eva Marie Saint and sends Evelyn away. Lucky Evelyn.  One by one the people who helped Howard find the tomb die mysteriously. Sarah? Hey, she is played by Eva Marie Saint, who cares that her role isn't vital to this film. There is a rumor that the Egyptian version of this film did not have Eva Marie Saint in it, but she was added to the American version. Wait!  I may be thinking of Raymond Burr. Never mind.

Are the above actors and actresses victims of an ancient Egyptian curse that was unleashed on them when King Tut's tomb was excavated?  Did Eva Marie Saint spend the final 46 years of her life eluding scorpions and asps?  Is it true that actor Robin Ellis has moved to the wilds of the Arctic just so scorpions and asps can't get near him? We will miss Eva Marie Saint, but we will remember her in some of the most alluring roles including as Eve Kendall in that Alfred Hitchcock (dead) classic "North By Northwest."  See "The Curse of King Tut's Tomb" and be glad you had nothing to do with the production of this TV miniseries.

DRAGN, Serbian Carnage

Today's film was shot in Serbia in just 17 days. Only needed 17 days. Afterall, how long does it take to kill a bunch of people on a corporate team building exercise? The corporation, a mysterious international telecommunications outfit. You know what that means...especially if they're headquartered in Serbia! Right! Murder drones! Let us look at the 2025 film, DRAGN, directed by Peter Webber.

Poor Tom (James Paxton). We like him, but he is a last minute substitution to participate in a corporate team building exercise in Serbia. I know, didn't he see "A Serbian Film"? If he had, he'd know that he's not being sent there to develop trust for his co-workers. We like Tom, and he arrives there and meets his team. The babe Adele (Lilly Krug). She's a skank, but blonde with big...well, a big smile. There is Sebastian (Franz Drameh)...he's screwing Adele at every possible opportunity. Then the PTSD ridden Daniel (Carlos Bardem), who is made leader. There is the corporate spy, Jacob (Jadran Malkovich). He knows.  Knows what? Ha! These employees are being dropped into an abandoned military base in the woods, and the corporation does not want them to leave. Hence DRAGN...a drone is unleashed on them. It has a circular saw, a flamethrower, machinegun, dart gun, and a directive to murder these employees.

Now the team is under assault.  Sebastian continues to boink Adele.  Tom tries to reach his family on the phone...but no reception...go figure.  Daniel yells at them all and has a PTSD flashback and wigs out. Then there is the machinegun wielding broad, the beautiful Zoja (Alice Pagani).  She's wounded when she meets the group, but her buddies were all fried or gunned down by the DRAGN thing. Now with her machinegun, Zoja tries to help her new buddies...but she isn't really equipped to fight billion dollar defense department technology. The kills will be gory.  Faces will be burned off.  Skulls will be sawed open, team members will be impaled, and even worse...Tom's lovely family will be lured into the action by DRAGN.

Does anyone have a shot at surviving the killer drone?  Will Adele and Sebastian stop screwing long enough to help the others combat the threat from above? Was DRAGN created because our safety is the corporation's number one priority? Wouldn't you just love some company to say that our safety is their number seven priority? See DRAGN and see some killer stuff that is probably already being mass produced for the battlefields in Ukraine.

Cold Heaven, This Was No Boating Accident!

Okay, so it was...but that's not important. There is a classic scene when Monsignor Cassidy (Richard Bradford), irrelevant to the plot, listens to Marie (Theresa Russell) tell him about what is going on. This is an important scene, 'cause we have no clue what's going on. The Monsignor has a look on his face as if he's thinking the Vatican doesn't pay him enough to listen to whack-ball dames like Marie. Mercifully, the Monsignor gets rid of Marie and presumably takes a drink. Today we have a mesh of "Night of the Living Dead," "The Nun's Story," and an MST3K offering...1991's "Cold Heaven," directed by the very out there Nicolas Roeg.  

A boating accident kills Alex (Mark Harmon) in the opening scene. When you're second in the credits, this either means the entire film will be flashbacks...or something supernatural will occur. Alex' wife Marie was just about to tell him she is leaving him for his best friend Daniel (James Russo). In fact, Daniel just told his wife Anna (Julie Carmen) that he was leaving her for Marie. Now Marie does not have to tell Alex the bad news. Uh oh...the hospital in Mexico loses Alex' body...or did it just get up and walk away? Marie flies back to the States and desperately wants to see Daniel.  She goes to meet him at a hotel in Carmel and finds...Alex!  Yep, he looks pale and dead...but he's alive. Oh, Marie is attacked by butterflies and is convinced the Virgin Mary is haunting her. I guess the Monsignor dodged a big one when he ushered Marie out of his office.

Oh, Sister Martha (Talia Shire) is spooked because she dreamed of Marie coming and restoring the sanctuary. Now Father Niles (Will Patton) gets involved and he brings up demonic possession.  Marie is convinced her dead, or dead-ish husband is demonically possessed. Alex gets deader and then recovers, and then gets dead-ish again. Sister Martha? Please, don't ask me to remember her character...this was very difficult watching Talia Shire. Her portrayal of Sister Martha makes her performance in "Prophecy" look like an Oscar caliber effort. Where is this all going? Miracles, Rosary Beads, the Virgin Mary, fighter jets, and a big green cross will all factor in a tour-de-force ending.

Oh! Vows of Celibacy.  We should talk about this since we have a movie about the Catholic Church. After watching Marie's love scene with Daniel...it is so shocking, that even the more amorous of us all will seek to take vows of celibacy just to preclude the kind of carnality that Theresa Russell and James Russo just acted out for us. You may not believe it, but my above description of the film is accurate and flattering.  See "Cold Heaven" and treat it as a MST3K offering.   

Ghost Keeper, Snow Bunnies in Peril

Filmed entirely on location at Lake Louise, in Banff, Alberta. This film and "Doctor Zhivago" share that distinction. Sadly, Omar Sharif and Julie Christie are not in our film today. But wait! We do have babes! Yep, perhaps not household names, but Riva Spier and Sheri McFadden look simply sultry in their slightly tight ski suites. I guess the important question is will they stay sultry? Today we look at a really creepy horror film from 1981, "Ghost Keeper" (aka "Ghostkeeper"), directed by Jim Makichuk.

A trio of snow-mobilers are exploring the woods near Lake Louise one New Year's day. Jenny (Spier) in a shiny gray ski suit, her boyfriend Marty (Murray Ord), and the flirtatious blonde Chrissy (McFadden) in red. A storm comes in fast and the trio find an abandoned resort, Deer Lodge.  They go in to get out of the elements and find it heated. Jenny is sad because her beau pays more attention to Chrissy, the flirt. Jenny is also sad because madness runs in her family...I guess we all can claim that. Uh oh...a creepy old lady (Georgie Collins) emerges. She does not like Marty or Chrissy, but the feelings are mutual. She admires Jenny. Uh oh, she lives there with her sons.  Her sons? One is locked in the icehouse because he is an uncontrollable cannibalistic mutant.  The other son is a homicidal killer.

Okay, Jenny and Marty bicker.  Marty wants to explore other women, specifically Chrissy.  Chrissy takes a hot bath, with candles.  The old lady lets her kids out and now they converge on the trio of unwanted guests. Guess who gets it first. You ever notice what happens to nude babes in slasher films when they take baths? Now Danny (Bill Grove) grabs a chainsaw and chases Jenny through the halls. Marty goes crazy himself. The lunatic locked in the ice cellar...stays locked in the ice cellar. Huh? Then some neat twists.

Is there a catfight brewing between snow bunny Chrissy and snow bunny Jenny? Is the lunatic cannibal guy in the ice cellar going to figure in this plot, at all? Will Jenny survive the inattentive boyfriend who is going crazy, the flirtatious Chrissy, the crazy old woman, the psycho son, and the cannibal son? This is a good one and fans of early 1980s slasher films will want to give it a view. See "Ghost Keeper" and enjoy some babes in snowsuits in great peril.  

Archive, Rhona Mitra is in it!

Okay, before you get on this film for being non realistic, I urge you to look up Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Arizona. They had to be the inspiration for this film. Yep, a science fiction one set in the future where people don't have to stop conversing with the dearly departed. Nope. Your wife dies? Keep yapping!  Why not? She'll even call you on the telephone from the other side...or some AI data center. Do we really want the dead to hang around, though? Let us look at a film Rhona Mitra is in, 2020's "Archive," directed by Gavin Rothery.  Again...Rhona Mitra is in this film!

Awful car wreck and brilliant scientist George (Theo James) survives, but his loving wife Jules (Stacy Martin) dies. He's sad. But wait!  Lucky him...not so lucky her. He signed her up with Archive International! Yep, through analog technology, AI, and fiber optics, her consciousness has been preserved in a data center. To think you are fighting data centers in your communities! Yep, by a special phone, she calls him intermittently and they get to chat. He misses her.  She misses him. Touching. Oh, the mad scientist George? He builds robots. Now he combines Archive's technology with his robots and he aims to create a robot, very human like, and put his wife's consciousness inside. How will this go? Do you have to ask? I know, why not put his wife's consciousness in Rhona Mitra's frame.  Her...er...smile would be bigger.

His first attempts are interesting but boxy and clumsy. I'm not making this up. The first one has her consciousness of when she was five years old.  The next one has Jules' consciousness for when she was 16 years old. Still in the statutory rape category, he now aims for the 25 year old wife. Rhona Mitra is around occasionally to yell at him, but mostly the two existing robots complain that he is ignoring them and they feel as if they will be replaced when he creates the sex-bot...I mean robot of his wife. Rhona Mitra continues to yell at him...don't ask, but she is in this movie. Oh, the heavies at Archive are upset that he's infringing their copyright by putting their technology in his inventions. George loves his wife, and here's the sad part. He's running against the clock. He can only chat with his wife for a total of 200 hours, then the consciousness does die out. His final call is scheduled. Now he must complete his wife-robot quickly and assuage his two existing whiny robots, and put up with Rhona Mitra yelling at him.

Why is Rhona Mitra yelling at George?  Will Rhona Mitra and the wife sex-bot get into a muddy catfight?  With Rhona Mitra right there, why bring a dead wife back? I, perhaps, am not taking this film seriously, and that is unfair.  Twists will unfold and many of you will have seen them coming. With George and his two existing bots trying to create another bot, "Archive" would be a great episode for Joel and the 'bots in a MST3K episode.  See "Archive," and enjoy Rhona Mitra as a grouchy dame. 

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The House by the Lake, Brenda Vaccaro in a Rape/Revenge Nasty

 A couple of years before "I Spit in Your Grave" hit the drive-ins, our film today hit them. Also called "Dead Weekend," "The House by the Lake" seemed a better title to draw them in at the drive-in. Unlike the aforementioned rape/revenge nasty, this one had a big name cast of actors we recognized and also Brenda Vaccaro as the beset beauty. The level of violence in this one may surpass the Camille Keaton classic, and poor Ms. Vaccaro...as an actress, a lot was asked of her. Let us look at the sometimes hard to watch rape/revenge film from 1976, and shot in Ontario.  Directed by William Fruet, the heavy in this film is masterfully portrayed by Don Stroud.

Diane (Vaccaro), a sultry fashion model/party girl, hooks up with the uber rich Harry (Chuck Shamata). They take his Corvette to his lake house, a massive mansion, away from population. She thinks he's having a party.  Harry is a pervert and jerk. No party, but he does have two-way mirrors to photograph Diane naked in the shower, or changing in her room. Then psycho perverts arrive. Led by Lep (Stroud), also in the group is Runt (Richard Ayres), Frankie (Kyle Edwards), and Stanley (Don Granbery). They bust in and work on humiliating Harry and Diane.  Sadly, Diane will be viciously raped.  Harry, a dentist nerd, is in no position to offer resistance. Diane knows what her fate is and schemes.  Harry begs and cries. Lep and his peeps absolutely destroy the house, breaking everything.  Already having raped Diane, Lep sends Runt into  the bedroom to rape her.

Diane sees opportunity.  Runt is drunk, high on something, and ripe for being cut-up by a psycho-babe. It begins.  Not intending to get raped anymore, and realizing Harry, if he's still alive, will be of no help, Diane turns homicidal.  Poor Runt...his death will not be quick. The others...you may end up feeling sorry for them. Their outcomes will be hard to watch, and pretty but soiled Diane will have no mercy.

Will the brutish and sex-psychopath Lep fall to the pretty fashion model with an attitude?  Will Harry shed his pervert loser existence, develop some manhood, and help Diane? Will Diane castrate any of the men in the mansion?  Brenda Vaccaro turns in a heartbreaking and frightening portrayal of a woman raped who turns into the aggressor.  See "House by the Lake" and see Brenda Vaccaro in a role that will shock you.