Ballet of Blood, Gratuitous Ballerina Carnage

Sultry ballerinas in tight leotards. Sultry ballerinas in lesbian love scenes. Sultry ballerinas mowed down by machine guns. Sultry ballerinas in gratuitous cat-fights. Sultry ballerinas frolicking at lingerie parties. Sultry ballerinas having their eyes gouged out. Sultry ballerinas disemboweled. A deep Shakespearean tragic/comedy, or a gratuitous and orgasmic attempt at a Giallo-type film? You can decide when you watch  2015's Jared Masters' "Ballet of Blood."

Plot...a description of it would not serve you well...but I'll try. Sultry and naked ballerina Nisa (Sydney Ray) interrupts a ballet rehearsal by trying to massacre the entire troupe with an Uzi. The gun jams. Her best buddy, the beautiful Ria (Jesse Aaron) is sent to an insane asylum and blamed for the near carnage. Ria escapes by killing the warden and becomes a murderer. Now Ria seeks Nisa who is a fugitive. The shocked ballet troupe continues to rehearse unaware that they will all be butchered and skewered soon...but by who...and why?

Two sister ballerinas Maren (Marla Martinez) and Saren (Rubi Garcia) may hold the answers. Saren plays with a Ouija Board and conjures up slutty spirits while Maren writes a young adult crime thriller. Oh yeah, the carnage in Maren's writings becomes real. This spells trouble for the ballerinas as she is writing about the massacre of her troupe, and the sordid lesbian sex and heroine addictions that permeate the clan. Surreal lingerie parties and bloody puppet shows help advance the story. I won't even mention the two ballerinas having bloody lesbian sex as they are riddled with Uzi rounds...you probably don't want to hear about that, anyway.

What is the ending to Maren's story? Will Nisa and Ria reunite to massacre the troupe, or to have passionate lesbian sex, or engage in a cat-fight to the death? Is the gore, lesbian sex, and disembowelment an attempt to revive Giallo-horror here in the U.S.A.? Take this film for what its worth, but I'm guessing most of you will try to find it. For a tickling of your prurient interests, enjoy "Ballet of Blood."

Daughters of Darkness, Lesbian Vampires Being Naughty

What an ending! Pure poetry! You'll see. The great Countess Elizabeth Bathory, tormentor of beautiful virgins! To be more specific, torturer and consumer of beautiful virgins. When Oil of Olay stops working, virgin blood from nubile babes is needed. Hey, we all have our hang-ups, and when you are a sultry woman (albeit, a vampire), polite company tends to look the other way. Today we discuss 1971's "Daughters of Darkness," shot in Belgium and directed by Harry Kumel.

Our story begins with some rough sex (very rough). Newlyweds Stefan (John Karlen) and Valerie (Danielle Ouimet). The duo have their sex in a vicious manner, he pummels and whips her, and she bruises and submits. Now the duo is stuck at a six star hotel, practically deserted in the off season. Uh oh...the Countess Elizabeth Bathory (Delphine Seyrig) with her nubile vampire sex-toy Ilona (Andrea Rau) arrive. Not coincidentally, babes in Belgium start dying after losing all their blood. Uh oh again, Countess Bathory falls in love with Valerie. Ilona gets jealous, but is powerless to voice any opposition to her mistress.

Elizabeth begins her seduction and sets Ilona on Stefan. This will lead to one of the greatest "Wait! I can explain" moments in film history as Valerie catches the nude Stefan mounting Ilona's nude corpse in the shower. Now Valerie is drawn to her new friend, the mysterious countess. The eroticism explodes as between the four of our characters, everyone has weird sex with each other. Uh oh...danger looms for the countess as a mysterious guest arrives. Uh oh again, Stefan's mom is some weird guy with family secrets...really, you'll see. Don't fret, none of the plot devices will keep anyone's clothes on or tame some really deviant sex.

Are Ilona and Stefan being set up to be schmucks in a twisted and erotic vampire plan? Can the still human Valerie mount any defenses to repel the erotic and blood desires of a centuries old vampire countess? Will Elizabeth's lust for the newlywed Valerie cause her to put her hormones before her wisdom of the centuries? Erotic and bloody...sexploitation or Euro-Trash...whichever term you use, see "Daughters of Darkness" to satisfy your prurient taste in film.

Tunnel Vision, Sultry Cop vs.Sex Maniac

Patsy Kensit as a 'Dirty Harry' type homicide detective? Does it work? Yes...and much better than that twerp Dennis Weaver as "McCloud" or that idiot who plays "Monk." In this erotic sex thriller, our babe plays a Brisbane, Australia cop in search of a killer who wold like to tie her up, strip her, whip her, and gut her. The aforementioned losers never portrayed anything like that. Of course, in Brisbane, the suspects will be half the population (male and female). Today we look at Clive Fleury's 1995's masterpiece, "Tunnel Vision."

A psycho abducts Australian babes, poses them in S&M poses and murders them. Two detectives, Kelly (Kensit) and Frank (Robert Reynolds) are on the case.The killings continue and we see BDSM babe Rachel (Vanessa Steele) get abducted...and eventually killed. The bodies are always found nude and in erotic poses. Uh oh, a weird artist paints babes in various S&M poses and he is having exhibitions all over Brisbane. Guess what! Frank just married the beautiful Helena (Rebecca Rigg). She is big in art promotion and might be having an affair with a twerp. Helena just happens to be Kelly's best friend.

Kelly and Frank find out all the victims were heavy into the S&M scene (as is everyone in Brisbane). Suspects are found who knew all the victims. We also get to see Kelly sweat a lot...and Helena, too. Now the evidence seems to be clear, Helena is cheating on Frank. Oh yes, Kelly might be taking advantage of this to move in on Frank. Uh oh again, when Helena's lover is found murdered, an arrest warrant is issued for Frank. Now Kelly must hurry and find the sex killer as well as the real killer of Frank's nemesis.  Oh yes, in addition to the salacious sexual suggestion of the plot, Kelly, Frank, and Helena will ooze with three way sexual tension which will eventually explode.

Can Kelly clear Frank's name before she is abducted, tied up, whipped and killed? Is the artistic nature of our sex-psycho suggesting that Helena knows the killer...or is the killer? Did Brisbane's flourishing S&M scene suffer any after this film came out? This is a neat crime/thriller and Patsy Kensit is so alluring throughout. The ending is a twist and a half and you'll wish a TV show was made with Patsy Kensit as the detective instead of dweebs like Dennis Weaver and Tony Shalhoub. See "Tunnel Vision," and enjoy a good crime thriller with heavy perverted sexual undertones.

The Corruption of Chris Miller, Spanish Giallo

Giallo is Italian horror (kinky and gory). Today we have one from Spain, Giallo in every way except geographically. Nymphomaniac babes nude, getting cut up, sunbathing, frolicking in bikinis, and quite insane. Deviant behavior will rule the day as will slashings and stabbings. Oh yes...deviant pre-marital sex, deviant lesbian sex, and of course a good measure of the taboo. Today we look at Juan Antonio Bardem's "The Corruption of Chris Miller."

Bear with me...a nude nightclub performer (Perla Cristal) wakes and looks for the man she has been making passionate love to for two weeks. She dons a see through negligee and then Charlie Chaplain emerges and stabs her dozens of times. Really...I'm not kidding. Now to Ruth's (Jean Seberg) mansion. Her husband, a puppet-master, left her years ago. The fellow couldn't take it anymore. He left Ruth with his daughter, Chris (Marisol). Chris has grown into quite the babe and no one ever introduced her to bras. Chris is quite insane...afraid of the rain...showers...and has a proclivity for stabbing things. Oh yes, Ruth, her stepmom,  is trying to drive her insane and also enjoying lesbian sex with her. Enter the drifter, Barney (Barry Stokes). Poor schmuck...he is seduced by Ruth who then goads him to also have pre-marital sex with the unstable Chris.

Barney is eager to rip off the two ladies. Both Chris and Ruth look at him as a doberman looks at a lamb-chop. The two ladies continue their intimacies and now also have Barney in the equation. Uh oh...Perla's murder seems to be the work of a serial killer. A family of five is then massacred by the killer and the cops are interested in Barney...as are Ruth and Chris. We'll see Ruth and Chris in some sexy nightwear, nude, and in the throes of passionate intercourse...but with who? Madness invades the plot even more. Knives will be thrust, scythes will swing, blood will spatter, and the sex will be quite deviant.

Just what did Chris' dad do to her before he ran off that made her so insane and deviant? Is Ruth's sexual attraction to Chris a method of revenge against the husband who left her? Does the schmuck Barney have any shot at remaining stab-free with these two insane women around? Gory and deviant, this one will satisfy your prurient desires. Call it Spanish-Giallo or Euro-Trash..either way, enjoy the sordid "The Corruption of Chris Miller."

Mangrove Slasher 2, Drive-In Grindhouse at its Best!

Low budget horror...is there anything more inspiring? How about really low budget exploitation with severed limbs, disembowelment, bikini babe cat-fights, and gratuitous nudity knit together to form orgasmic slasher fare. There will be cannibalism, pre-marital sex, severed boobs, and complicated metaphor referring to obtuse relationships in sophisticated urban settings. Okay, so I lied about the 'metaphor referring to obtuse relationships in a sophisticated urban setting.' Anytime the end credits denote Victim #51 (Holly Gesell), you know you have a winner.

Florida filmmaker Sean Haitz is the South's premier B movie slasher/horror creator. Before "Big Top Evil," and "The Cannibal Comedian," there was the micro budget "Mangrove Slasher 2." Plot? Come on, after the preceding paragraph, you want a plot description? Suffice it to say, jocks and cheerleaders are heading to a beach party. There will be beer, rock 'n roll, gratuitous bikini jiggling, and an unwelcome guest or two. The cool kids will converge, and we won't have much sympathy for them. The jocks and babes get off on humiliating and bullying the uncool, and karma is a bad thing. Then, conjured up by misbehaving youths seeking pre-marital sex, The Mangrove Slasher (Richard Svec) begins his wrath.

He has a machete and an appetite. He'll swing the big blade and boobs, limbs, heads, and internal organs will fly. There will be more bikini babe jiggling...and the aforementioned cat-fight. Gratuitous is the operative word, in gore and nudity...okay, in cannibalism, too. What follows is an orgy of blood and murder as this horrifying creature seems unstoppable. The deaths will be in the several dozens...just ask Holly Gesell.

Will anyone be able to stop The Mangrove Slasher? Will the two chicks involved in the bikini cat-fight be able to keep their boobs intact? Did Sean Haitz really cut Cate Blanchett just before filming began because of her inability to adequately fill out a bikini? Sean Haitz has a knack of making movies we actually want to see. Picture a 1972 drive-in exploitation epic and multiply it by ten, and you have 2011's "Mangrove Slasher 2."
Buy Mangrove Slasher 2 on DVD

The Candy Snatchers, A Perfect Plan Schmuck Style

We've seen it all before, not just in the movies. Losers in life's lottery believe they have the perfect plan. What follows is a stark realization that one's misfortunes in life are less because of class inequality and more because of stupidity. Hence our malignant trio in 1973's "The Candy Snatchers." Directed by Guerdon Trueblood, this surprisingly mild crime thriller is one of the most talked about drive-in epics of all time.

Pretty blonde Catholic high school girl Candy (Susan Stennet) is grabbed by three kidnappers. The trio is lead by the beautiful dame Jessie (Tiffany Bolling). Her two cohorts are her vicious brother Alan (Brad David), and muscle man Eddy (Vince Martorano). Two stupid guys and a stupid babe...yeah...what could go wrong? They bury Candy in a coffin equipped with a pipe for air. Now the brilliance starts. They notify Candy's dad, Avery (Ben Piazza). Avery runs a jewelry store and has access to a lot of diamonds. The idiots didn't see four year old Sean (Christopher Trueblood) hiding in the bushes...watching the burial. Uh oh...Sean is mute and may have a number of impairment issues. His ability to help may be severely limited.

Now it starts...of course. Jessie and Alan want to carve Candy up and send her in pieces back to her dad. Eddy falls in love with the almost nubile hostage. Even worse...Avery is glad Candy is gone and doesn't want her back. Now our trio are left with the opportunity to enjoy each other's charm and figure out what to do with the high school babe hostage. Sean? He tries his best but his parents are evil and wish he hadn't been born. Avery is boinking his salesgirl Lisa (Phyllis Major). Candy's mom...two sheets to the wind. Now Eddy envisions romance with Candy and Alan and Jessie figure on murdering the girl. Now Eddy rapes Jessie...how do you think this will contribute to team unity? Poor Sean man's up and makes an attempt to help Candy...the effort will be a sad one.

Does Candy have any prayer at surviving the wrath of her three kidnappers? Will our three idiots kill each other off or do they indeed have a wild prayer at success? Just what is Avery's motivation for desiring the kidnappers to knock off Candy? This is classic 1970s cinema especially for you grindhouse and drive-in fans. Some may be disappointed at the tameness of a film that could have been gratuitous and gory to the max. "The Candy Snatchers" is a grim crime thriller that will remind you of some of the schmucks in your life.

Paranormal Xperience 3D, Spanish Babes, Hunks, and a Lunatic Ghost

It is an old recipe that transcends borders. Babes, hunks, carnage, pre-marital sex, gore, and some otherworldly influence. This even works in Spain! Which brings us to 2011's "Paranormal Xperience 3D," directed by Sergi Vizcaino. The cheese and beef are quite impressive, though most of them will end up quite torn apart. Perhaps a statement of the carnage today's European youths face...or maybe just an old fashioned ghost/slasher film.

Angela (Amaia Salamanca) and four of her buddies are about to fail a college course. The professor (Miguel Angel Jenner) has a deal for them. Go to Susurro and see if it's ghosts are talking. They agree...bad idea. See, Susurro is an abandoned mining town. In 1963, the town doctor tortured and killed 20 of his patients. He kept killing after he died. The townsfolk sealed him in the mines where he presumably died...though his body was never found. Angela brings her younger sister Diana (Alba Ribas), as she has a van big enough for all the equipment. Skank Belen (Ursula Corbero) also joins them as well as hunks Jose (Max Iglesias) and Angela's BF Carlos (Luis Fernandez). Oh yes, the tech guy, Toni (Oscar Sinela).

The gang finds the mine immediately and Toni picks up weird readings on the equipment. Uh oh...Diana hears screams that no one else does. Uh oh again, Diana also hears the torture doctor summoning her. Bad news, Angela and Diana have a ghastly backstory that may be driving the ghost. Even worse, the doctor manifests himself and has a way of killing that will make you all wince and cover your eyes. As torture, mutilation, and lobotomies abound, Diana seems to be pulled into madness. Now Angela must come to terms with the evil that beset her and Diana many years ago. As the hunks and babes begin dying horribly, ther is an indication that our ghost may not be the only culprit in Susurro.

The cast is great looking and die well. The ghost doctor is menacing and is always equipped with steel hooks or spikes. Will Angela and Diana reconcile the evil that beset them as little girls in time to fight the ghost? Will any of our hunks and babes be skewered while in the throes of pre-marital sex or in a gratuitous shower scene? Is this film a prophetic statement of the ineffective and misogynistic European higher education system? This is a good old fashioned plot that will surely please. For some good gore, beef, and cheese, see "Paranormal Xperience 3D."