Sunday, June 30, 2024

Cocaine Shark, If Pfizer Made Jaws

Pharmaceuticals and the companies that make them. Yes...scarier than great whites! Not the first time a vaccine has been hastily thrown out there and killed millions. How many have sharks killed over the past 25 years? contest. What if sharks were given drugs?  It would be such a beautiful thing.  In this movie it would be a ferocious hammerhead with crab legs that roars. Today we look at 2023's Polonia Brothers film "Cocaine Shark," directed by Mark Polonia.

With the help of pharmaceutical scientists (future Pfizer employees) a new psychedelic drug, HT25, is created. It causes more intense trips than LSD. Neil (Titus Himmelberger) is an undercover narc seeking to bust Gaurisco's (Ken Van Sant) empire.  Gaurisco is securing all the east coast markets and knocking off rivals with the help of his main henchman, Fuente (Ryan Dalton). To keep a close eye on the narc, Gaurisco sends his femme fatale babe, Persephone (Natalie Himmelberger) to seduce him and lure him into the gang. Part of this seduction is to feed Neil HT25.  The drug causes both Persephone and Neil to trip so badly they seem to remember becoming sharks and eating people.

Okay, an explosion at the lab sends a mad doctor (Mark Polonia) on the run with the HT25.  Gaurisco wants it.  Also set loose after the explosion is the aforementioned crab/hammerhead monster.  The shark thing eats many people. Gaurisco and Fuente are on the doctor's trail and soon Neil and Persephone are too. We're not sure if Persephone is falling in love with Neil or just luring him out to sea to murder him. Now out to sea, the duo will have to elude the shark thing that seeks to eat anyone in its way. Now everyone converges on an island inhabited by a mentally unstable babe (Samantha Coolidge).  With the monster feeding, the thugs, our narc, our femme fatale, and insaniac babe must tread carefully.

Will Neil be able to bust Neil and his operation?  Will Persephone continue carnal relations with Neil, or we she kill him?  Would Jacques Cousteau have stood a chance with this hammerhead thing? Drugs are an evil thing...they will fry your brain...or get you eaten by mutant monsters.  To enjoy a psychedelic tripping movie experience, see "Cocaine Shark." It appears on the free streaming service, Mometu. 

Friday, June 28, 2024

Brides of Satan, Strippers, Bikers, and Satanists!

This blog loves Mindy Robinson. Her X (Twitter) stream is one of the best on all social media ( @iheartmindy ). Now we have her in a Joe Bizarro film about lesbian bikers, Satanists, strippers, and vengeance. No, not "Manchester By the Sea." Filmed as if it were an early 1970s drive-in/exploitation epic, Mindy Robinson tops Pamela Anderson and her film "Barb Wire" by a mile. Nudity, gore, and catfights in a story that is a metaphor for our times await when you put on 2020's "Brides of Satan," showing on the free streaming service of Mometu ( @freemometu ) on X.

The lovely and naive Mary (Robinson) wants to give her fiancĂ©, Charlie (Michael Reed), a special gift. She takes him for a lap dance at a seedy strip club. Mary, herself, is turned on when Samantha Whitehaven (Olivia Bellafontaine) does her thing. Oh, just before this, Sarah French as the club manager, warns them to leave. Mary is insistent on giving her beau something dirty. Three hoodlum lesbian/Satanists converge on the club led by Switchblade Kitty (Anastasia Elfman) as she wants to 'ruin something beautiful.' She and her cohorts will  abduct Charlie and Mary and bring them to a warehouse where she will gut Charlie and attempt to sacrifice Mary on a pentagram. Through bad timing by a rival gang's invasion, Mary escapes. Now she has Satanist lesbians and an evil biker gang after her. Come have to be hooked by now. 

Lenny (John Troyer) saves Mindy and nurses her back to health. Lenny? Think of the trailer trash version of Mr. Miyagi. Lenny teaches Mindy to be strong in body and mind and also how to use a katana sword. Now Mary embarks on a trek of vengeance to track down the satanist lesbians who murdered Charlie.  She'll use her sword to disembowel and decapitate.  She'll go through biker gangs and satanists like crap through a goose. Meanwhile Switchblade Kitty and her satanic lesbians find more couples in love and gut and sacrifice them to Satan. Uh oh...a demon is conjured and will represent another layer of resistance for Mary and her katana sword.

Okay, enough of the plot. I have left out so much. Will Mary and her katana sword succeed in avenging the murder of her fiancĂ©?  Are sleazy strippers and satanic lesbian babes an underused plot device in America's Post-Modern (woke) era? Will the alphabet brigade demand this film be banned? Perhaps a metaphor for the evil the Biden Administration and the Deep State has inflicted on a once great country, "Brides of Satan" needs to be added to your "must see" list. 

Wednesday, June 26, 2024

Repligator, Gator-Babes in the Army

Made in 1996, this exploitation/scifi/horror film may be the best metaphor for what the U.S. military has devolved into. Hardly in any position to fight Houthis in Yemen, the Taliban in Afghanistan, or the Russians...the U.S. is officially in decline as a world power...speedily heading into the number three or four spot.  What we have in Brett McCormick's "Repligator" are sultry, big breasted bimbos that turn into alligator monsters.  Add in some zombies, ray guns, rampant nymphomania, and biting commentary and we may have the best film of 1996.

Dr. Oliver (Keith Kjornes) is trying to invent  a teleportation device with his spinster assistant, Dr. Hardy (TJ Myers). Hardy has a great big mole on her face which will forever prevent her from becoming a babe. On the other side of the lab, Dr. Fields (Randy Clower) is inventing a brainwashing device. Still, at another part of the lab, Dr. Goodbody (Brinke Stevens) is inventing a device in which one's thoughts can be seen on a video screen. is kind of like that Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial when there is a collision, peanut butter mixes with chocolate, and the peanut butter cup is invented. Through much chaos and intrigue, the three inventions merge. The result? Grumpy men and women are turned into nymphomaniac babes seeking sex with Dr. Oliver and Dr. Fields. Through more silliness, Dr. Hardy is sent through the machine and emerges as a nymphomaniac babe (sans mole) bent on deviance with Dr. Oliver.

Uh oh...there is a side effect.  Whenever one of the newly made nympho-babes gets sexually excited, they turn into alligator monsters. Okay, perhaps this offers us a metaphor relevant on college campuses and the dating scene in modern day America. Now the babes, all clad in trashy lingerie, are hungering for sex one moment, and human flesh the next. What's worse, the spinster scientists don't really want to be turned back to their former selves.  Now the lab is infested with either nymphomaniac babes or monster alligators. Oliver and Fields will have to put their rivalry aside and figure out how to change everyone back...or if they should change everyone back to their former selves.

I was brief on the plot, but Gunnar Hansen will have a nice role in this film. Will Dr. Hardy in her new nymphomaniac self have pre-marital sex with the old, fat and balding Dr. Oliver? Will Dr. Fields' brainwashing invention be of use when these new nymphomaniacs overtake the lab?  Are vicious alligator monsters and nymphomaniac babes merely two sides of the same coin? For some utter silliness with poignant metaphor, see "Repligator."

Monday, June 24, 2024

Hanukkah, Jew Horror

We need more Jewish horror films! For example, try this...Last Synagogue on the Left...Pray your not the chosen people! Okay...don't yell at me. A Jewish naked and tattooed skank uttered this in our film today. Oh! Right! You're offended. Well, boohoo!  Let me run some names by you. Dick Miller (his last film). Sid Haig. Sarah French. P.J. Soles. Caroline Williams.  Are you still offended? Today we look at 2019's "Hanukkah," directed by Eben McGarr. So grab a rabbi, a Torah, and some Manischewitz and watch what happens when a marginalized community makes a horror film. more thing...brush up on Leviticus before watching this film, it will be quoted a lot...I'm not kidding. BTW, this film is on the free streaming service Mometu (get the app or see them on X @freemometu). 

This plot is busy and ambitious. Most of it we won't touch on. Many years ago a mad rabbi (Sid Haig) turns serial killer and offs misbehaving Jews (No! He's not Hamas). Decades later, his son (Joe Knetter) takes up the role. Fast forward to misbehaving, fornicating, and lesbian Jews all going to a sinful party. Rachel (Sadie Kurtz) is a skank engaged to a black man Josh (DAandre Johnson). She ditches him and heads to party. Josh wants to obey the Torah and remains celibate until marriage...Rachel wants to f#@k. Her buddy is hot and tattooed lesbian Judy (Louise Rosealma), referred to as an Orthodyke in this film. She wants to have sex with Rachel. David (Toliver Harris) is sweet on Rachel and with Josh not there will boink Rachel. Oh! Josh! He gets sucked into dinner with Rachel's mom (P.J. Soles) thinking Rachel will be there.

Amanda (Victoria de Mare) is supposed to go to this party but after the mad rabbi axes her beau in the head, she's abducted and tortured by him. Now the mad rabbi converges on this nerd party which will see wild lesbian sex between Rachel and Judy...and straight sex between Rachel and David. One by one the mad rabbi abducts the sinful Jews, cuts off their tattoos, and tortures them to death. This film will get quite gory but Dick Miller, as an old rabbi will give a nice sermon about all of this. Oh! Cheryl (Sarah French) arrives and it looks like a catfight is brewing between her and lesbian Judy...we can only hope. Jewish babes will die so horribly and Jewish dweebs will also. So much more is going on in this film but there is no room for further description.

Ominous and at times bordering on torture porn, the struggles of the Jews may be captured in this film as a metaphor. Sick? Perhaps. Still the level of cheesecake is intense and the level of gore is also intense. Will any of the Jewish babes survive the wrath of the mad rabbi?  Will Sarah French give us a nice catfight scene with the tattooed lesbian Jew? Wait...doesn't the Torah say something about that? For offensive and at times hilarious horror that will have you averting your eyes from the screen in many scenes, see "Hanukkah."    

Saturday, June 22, 2024

Stupid Games, They'll Swallow Your Soul

Women are smarter than men. Fact. However, what happens when smart people hang out with people that are stupid? Right!  They become stupid. Where is this all going? Today we have an age old story about the girls against the boys.  Sure, the girls should win.  Does anyone ever wonder why this is rarely the case? Today we have a tale of seductresses and hunks.  What  happens when they get together? Often times, the predicted outcome never occurs. Add pentagrams, Satan, take-out, and lust and we have 2024's "Stupid Games," directed by Nicolas Wendl and Dani Abraham. BTW, this film is on the free streaming service Mometu (get the app or see them on X @freemometu). Or on YouTube ON YOUTUBE (just click on this link).

The aforementioned babes, or seductresses, are Riley (Cass Huckabay), Celeste (Alyssa Tortomasi), and Mia (Ashwini Ganpule). They invite three hunks over for dinner, take-out, and a game night. Arriving are hunk Jaxon (Saad Rolando), Rex (Gage Robinson), and nerd Stanley (Grant Terzakis). The gals seem fawning and expecting of eventual pre-marital sex.  The guys are excited. Awkwardness sets in as Celeste went ghost on Jaxon and now has called him. Stanley is happy to get any gal he can. Riley, all seduction all the time, keys in on Rex. So far so good? Nope. Dinner does not go so well and before it is over the six are playing Quest For Truth, a board game. It starts off okay...truths are confessed to and tasks are completed.  Then the board takes charge.

The gals seem uneasy and when the guys behave like guys and break things the gals panic.  The true order of things has been interrupted and the seductresses are now terrified at the game. Soon the guys realize the game their playing may be demonic. Whatever force is controlling this game it is not happy with the rules being bent or disobedience. The consequences? Blood and'll see. The smarter the boys get the more doomed everyone appears.  The stakes are ultimate and the devil is expecting his due. Where does this all go?  Perhaps the same place the awkward dating scene in America has already gone. You'll see.

"Stupid Games" revs up from a level of inanity and seduction to pure evil and bloody carnage.  Nicolas Wendl handles this escalation masterfully. Will any of the six emerge a winner of this game?  What will happen to the losers? Though the fairer sex is more intelligent, is their capacity for evil also increased? Watch "Stupid Games" and realize there is no chance of success when seeking pre-marital sex and a good meal. 

Thursday, June 20, 2024

Martian Massacre, Space War comes to Virginia

Forget that "Star Wars" idiocy! Forget "ET"!  Forget anything Spielberg! We have the greatest scifi film ever, or at least the greatest scifi film ever filmed in Danville, Virginia. Get this!  The alien asks Duke to take her to his leader. Duke refuses saying, "No way, I have warrants!"  ET should have met this guy! Perhaps a C movie, not a B movie, but still a lot more fun than this "Acolyte" garbage. Our film today is the epic from 2021, "Martian Massacre." Grab a Pabst, bend your best gal over your knee, burp a few times, and enjoy this James B. Thomasson film. After watching it you will never refer to Danville again as Lynchburg without the glitter.

Sultry space-babe Virago (Crystal Cleveland) witnesses her planet being destroyed by Martians. Her queen (Tamara Jones) gives her a box containing...well, you'll see...and ordering her to save herself, go to Earth, and start her life there with what's in the box. Virago obeys and comes to New, Danville, with the box. She'll meet pseudo redneck Duke (Bryan Matthew Ward) and ask to be taken to his leader. Duke laughs and takes her home. At home, Duke's niece Liane (Angel Nichole Bradford) is excited to meet the alien babe. She convinces Duke to help her. Uh oh!  The Martians want Virago dead and the box. They send the lizard-like guy Zeet (Shon Johnson) to earth to kill her and retrieve the box.  He arrives shortly after Virago with his laser gun.

Now on the run, Zeet seems to be gaining on them. Laser gun fights ensue. Earthlings are vaporized. Then Duke brings Virago to his friend Betty's (Heidi C. Cass) house. She's a dominatrix and will square off against Zeet wearing a leather outfit and boots. How will this go? in "To Kill a Mockingbird" with Gregory Peck, dominatrix' die awful deaths. Virago must survive as she is the only one left of her world.  With orders to start life anew on Earth, she begins getting attracted to Duke. Zeet gets closer and a showdown is imminent between Virago and Zeet in which the fate of humankind will be in balance. 

Just what is in the box Virago is protecting?  Will Virago be able to fight off Zeet and romance Duke? Do we need more movies about dominatrix' squaring off against lizard-type aliens or was 1980's "Ordinary People" the be all-end all of those films? Have yourself a lot of fun and watch a film made by people who know what we want in our scifi films.  See "Martian Massacre" today and shove some more pork rinds down your throat as you wash them down with a six-pack of Pabst.  

Tuesday, June 18, 2024

Aquaslash, Waterslide of Blood

No doubt...the best waterslide scene ever put on film. Even better than the one in Kubrick's "Paths of Glory." More importantly, we have a Renaud Gauthier film. This man makes Giallo-type films in Canada. Nubile babes being sliced up. Six-pack abs hunks sliced up.  Pureed, really. Death count? Enormous! Bikinis? Well, if someone has one on...they'll end up in at least four pieces. Many may see this film as a remake of "A Bridge Too Far," but this one has a higher death count. So today we look at 2019's "Aquaslash."

Brittany Drisdelle is a doll!  She has that Pamela Susan Shoop look. We plead with the screen that she will remain whole in this film. She is Priscilla, hired by waterpark manager Paul (Nick Walker) to run special events, like the high school graduation party in this film. Paul also is having a lot of pre-marital sex with Priscilla. The high school hunks and babes converge.  Brad and Cindy (Jeremy Lavigne and Samantha Hodhod), while making out, are cut into pieces. Yes, there is a killer loose...perhaps one from the 1980s when a massacre occurred at this same park. Suspects? Everyone!  Michael (Ho Jo Rose) enters the picture. He wants to buy the park from Paul and boink does everyone else. Boink Priscilla, that is.

The slashings continue. Nubile babes die horribly as do their hunk BFs. We meet lifeguard Kimberly (Lanisa Dawn), the redheaded lifeguard.  She's boinking Josh (Nicolas Fontaine). Josh is in a band and seems really sweet. Kimberly is also sweet and other than her proclivity for pre-marital sex, we really like her. Tommy (Paul Zinno) loves Kimberly too and is upset, in rage, that Kimberly now loves Josh. Trouble is brewing all the way around...and there is a killer loose!  Then...the last 20 minutes of this movie will forever be imprinted on your mind. What unfolds at the waterslide will be ominous, seemingly never-ending, and oh such a treat for slasher film fans.

With a wonderful cheesecake and beefcake level, this is a film you could bring a date to. Will Priscilla indeed be left in tact, unlike Pamela Susan Shoop in "Halloween 2"?  Just who is the psycho that will massacre so many bikini babes and six-pack abs hunks? Will Kimberly and Priscilla engage in a catfight in the water while ripping off each other's swimsuits? Hey, just thought I'd throw in that last just never know.  See "Aquaslash" and relive 1980s slasher films.

Sunday, June 16, 2024

Thou Shalt Not Kill...Except, Vietnam Vets vs. Evil Cult

Sam Raimi as the Charles Manson type cult leader, with his brother Ted as one of his followers! This cult is evil, too.  They would have given Manson and his clan a run for the money. What they do in this film is difficult to watch...rape...dismember...torture...humiliate...and even babies will not escape their wrath. Cults and psycho Vietnam vets were Hollywood's two biggest plot devices in the 70s and 80s. They were used to inflict carnage, rape, and yell a lot. Vietnam vets didn't molest children on Epstein Island, like Big Hollywood aside I had to throw in. In our film today, the four returning marines (returning from 'Nam) are heroes.  Great to see. Today we look at 1985's "Thou Shalt Not Kill...Except," directed by Josh Becker.

Jack (Brian Schultz) is shot twice in the leg trying to take Lamb Chop Hill.  But for the heroics of his buddy Walker (Robert Rickman), he would have been dismembered by the enemy. Now, with a cane, Jack moves into an abandoned cabin in the woods and rekindles his romance with babe Sally (Cheryl Guttridge). So sweet. As they frolic, a cult led by Sam Raimi (he thinks he's the Messiah), does home invasions, rapes, kills babies, tortures and guts any campers they meet, and seems to take over the woods. Now Jack hosts Walker and two more war buddies, Tim (Tim Quill) and Dave (John Manfredi) at his cabin. Uh oh!  The cult invades Sally's home, tortures and murders her grandfather (Perry Mallette) and abscond with her. Seems Sally will be their blood sacrifice.

Now the four marines assemble a bunch of weapons and go in search of the cult. There will be a lot of fighting, gore, and the USMC will go through the Manson wannabes like crap through a goose. The gore in each kill, and there will be so many of them, will be extreme. Sheers to the eyes, impalements, and other bloody ways to die. Sam Raimi ties Sally spread eagle between two trees and...well, you'll see...but it is quite naughty. Jack and his buddies are unrelenting.  These four don't believe in asking questions...they just go in shooting. Maybe General Milley or Lloyd Austin could take a lesson from Jack and company instead of losing any war they come within  ten thousand miles of? That's it for now, see the movie to find out the ending.

Will Jack be able to rescue Sally un-soiled?  With a heavy redemption theme as Jack and his buddies come back to the U.S. and set out to save civilization and become this film an inspiration for "Godzilla Minus One"? Gory and sordid...some of the viciousness will be quite taboo. Not an easy film to watch but so very satisfying!  See "Thou Shalt Not Kill...Except" today.  

Friday, June 14, 2024

The Brides Wore Blood, American Euro-Trash

Looks like Euro-Trash. Even has lookalike Euro-Babes!  You know...those babes who are in peril, nude, and often meet bloody fates. You may even say Spain...or Malta when you see the scenes. Nope! This is a Florida film.  Today we have a film with babes in peril, sometimes nude, often covered in blood, and stalked by a vampire seeking to mate. A metaphor for coeds on American college campuses, perhaps. With nubile and full-breasted dames in great danger, we will look at 1972's "The Brides Wore Blood," directed by Bob Favorite.

Juan (Chuck Faulkner) is a vampire, in Spain, perhaps. He got that way when ancestors played with the occult and could not keep it in the bottle, so to speak. Now every male offspring of his will also be a vampire. He needs a wife to breed with. Carlos (Paul Everitt) is his weird uncle and conspires with Madam Von Kirst (Billie Jensen), a medium, to break the curse. The two are'll see. Okay, don't ask too many questions, but four babes are needed...this is Carlos and Von Kirst's paln. Yvonne (Dolores Friedline) is selected to be the bride and she is lured overseas to Juan's mansion.  Also lured there are three other babes; Dana (Dolores Starling), Vickie (Rita Ballard), and babe Laura (Jan Sherman). Eventually they all will dine with Juan and Carlos as he selects Dolores as his bride. 

Juan and Carlos trick the quartet, or drug them, to spend the night. At night Juan feeds on the nubile and negligee duo of Dana and will be turned into a vampire, the other will be drained. Laura's worthless BF will arrive and accomplish absolutely nothing as Juan turns a machete on him. Entranced, the naked Yvonne will be groped and caressed by Juan as he plants his seed into her.  Now what?  You'll see.  Now the real gore and horror will occur.  Meanwhile, Carlos and the Madam believe they have a plan to end the family curse.  Irony and twists abound and the ending will be a lot more horrific than first thought.

So sad, so many nubile babes die horribly, but will Yvonne emerge as a 'Final Girl'?  Will there be a nice catfight between Yvonne and vampire Dana?  Will the family curse continue in Yvonne's offspring or will she do something about it?  Alluring, erotic, prurient, and graphic..."The Brides Wore Blood" is a fine piece of American Euro-Trash."

Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Immanence, The Bermuda Triangle and Atheists

Atheists are weird. They are more likely to believe in Satan than they are in God. They are more likely to choose Satan, as well. Obedience to God is silly and weak, so they claim. Obedience to Satan is self preservation. Don't believe me?  Well...I have a film for you.  Today we look at 2022's "Immanence," directed by Kerry Bellessa.  Warning to you Atheists/scientists...this one may offend you. I would hope you guys would be very inclusive even when seeing something you find offensive.

Jonah (Michael Beach) runs a charter boat. In his spare time he is a radical religious (Pentecostal) zealot chasing Satan. His back story explains this. The owner of the boat, Davis (Eugene Byrd) summons him back from an exorcism as four pukes...I mean scientists charter the boat. The scientists, sent by SETI, believe an extraterrestrial life form has splashed down in the Bermuda Triangle. Roman (Anthony Ruivivar) heads the team and brings his assistant, Naomi (Summer Bellessa), and two babes, Suzu (Asenneth del Toro) and Harper (Kasia Pilewicz). The six head out to sea with fancy equipment that seems to lock on weird signals coming from the ocean floor.  They find the location and all hell breaks loose.  Literally.

Okay, Jonah tries to convince the team that the phenomenon currently occurring undersea is not E.T. manufactured...but maybe biblical. This brings him scorn and ridicule from the scientists/atheists. Then weird stuff begins least to the scientists. Jonah, who has read the Bible knows what is going on. A pig comes up from the depths and this freaks out the atheists. Then a parallel dimension appears... you'll see.  When pigs and parallel dimensions come calling, Atheists find themselves short on proven data. Oh, those two babes...and you will like them...especially Harper...well, they are fifth and sixth in the credits.  Satan has a special place in Hell for those characters fifth and sixth in the credits it seems. Oh, Satan (Jamie McShane)? He'll show up and put a real downer on this scientific expedition. 

Just what did splash down in the Bermuda Triangle?  Will part-time exorcist Jonah be able to exorcise the devil on his boat?  Will a lifetime of denying God doom everyone else on the boat?  This is a creepy good one.  If you saw 2023's "Nefarious," this one has similar themes.  It is nice to see Atheists mocked in the movies, for a change.  See "Immanence" and if you really want to delve into God, read the Book of John or listen to old Adrian Rogers sermons.

Monday, June 10, 2024

Ape, The original Idea for King Kong and Godzilla

Joanna Kerns, who you all remember from the TV show "Growing Pains." How many of you remember her when she went by the name Joanna DeVarona? Right...sounds like a porn star, thus for a family TV show the name had to be changed. Her first movie, made in 1976, is a goodie about a 36 foot ape that falls in love with her.  Of course, DeVarona's character has mixed feelings about the ape that abducts her as the 36 foot monster also has a great big...well, never mind that, for now. Today we look at a film from Korea, 1976's "Ape," directed by Paul Leder.

Sultry blonde actress Marilyn Baker (Kerns) arrives in Korea to star in the film "Rape in the Forbidden Zone," based on a Charles Dickens classic. In this film, Marilyn walks into rooms and is immediately raped by whichever horny man is in there already. Little does she know, just before her arrival in Korea, a 36 foot ape escapes from an American freighter and stomps onto the peninsula. The monster stomps over villages, villagers, and is headed right for Seoul. The U.S. military, headed by Colonel Davis (Alex Nicol) is incompetent...a pre-cursor to the U.S. military effort in Afghanistan. Now the ape stomps over to the movie set just in time to see Marilyn running from a rapist. The chivalrous beast grabs Marilyn and absconds with her. The actress is initially alarmed until she figures the thing has a great big...well, never mind that.

Oh, Tom (Rod Arrants) is a reporter who loves Marilyn. They spend a lot of time sucking face and drooling on one another. He runs into the countryside and rescues Marilyn. Now the big ape stomps into Seoul looking for Marilyn.  In a city of 10 million, there must be a few dozen homes and apartments to look through. The creature goes through all of them in his search for the beautiful actress who men seek to rape and drool over. Just like Fay Wray, Joanna Kerns is found, grabbed, and brought on the ride of her life.

As "Ape" defined the ethos of South Korea, Kim Il Sung's North Korea made "Petals of an Iron Lotus" in 1976.  Defining the ethos of North Korea, this film chronicled the development of intellectual siblings as they came into consciousness about their roles in a maturing post-World War 2 Asia.  The dichotomy is barely ever spoken about here in America. Will Marilyn Baker be able to finish "Rape in the Forbidden Zone"?  Will her fate with the big ape mirror her fate of her character in that movie? Is this film the reason Kim Il Sung refused to have anything to do with his southern neighbors? See "Ape," and fully understand the geopolitics behind North and South Korea relations.

{Note:  This review contains a fair amount of...embellishment} 

Saturday, June 8, 2024

Offworld: Alien Planet, Incompetent Crew Fails

What does the future look like?  Women commanders on space missions.  You ever notice that even in the movies, this does not work? Biden and woke-NASA promised us a woman stepping on the moon by 2024. Guess what!  Not happening. Best bet for someone to step on the moon comes from India or China. As America takes woke and diversity hires into the future, our feature today shows us what the results will be.  Today we look at 2024's "Offworld: Alien Planet," directed by Terry Cooper.

Global warming, though proven a scam, is used as a trope in this film to tell us that Earth is failing and we need to colonize other worlds. Earth assembles the best and brightest to man (or person) a space mission to another habitable planet.  The cargo will be DNA of plants and people, and 250 Earthlings, no doubt representing diversity, to seed and populate this new world. Jan (Daniella Britten) commands the ship and never makes a decision that's even remotely close to being a good idea.  Her soon to be BF pilot, Russ (Cooper) steers the ship into an asteroid and the thing crashes in the new planet. There is a smart guy in this group who is always right, the security guy Ronson (John Varker). No one listens to him...though they should. You guessed it, Ronson does not check off any DEI boxes.

Led by an incompetent commander, Jan, the surviving crew begin meeting with accidents and parasitic bug things.  The bug things re-animate dead bodies.  Those newly reanimated beings become zombies that eat flesh.  Oh yeah, Carrie (Katerina Clayre) gets impaled by a pipe and is now dying.  After fending off a mini-horde of dead crew members, the merry band of incompetent trudge along at a pace of 15 feet per day.  A slow crew, no doubt.  They are looking for an established colony they believe exists on this rock. There is Chen (Ainsleigh Barber). We like her.  She's got spunk.  What she does not have is any bearing on the plot.  One by one, the surviving crew die.  Ronson tries to start a mutiny, but no one follows.  The incompetents favor Jan.  Pity...they should have followed Ronson.  Let's stop here.  The twists that will occur in the last part of the film only affirm what I have insinuated above.

Was Jan picked as a commander for this mission to save humanity the same way NASA and Biden will pick a woman to be the next human to step on the moon?  Is the end of the human race okay if diversity and inclusion principles are followed?  Don't blame me for this political incorrectness as I point out Hollywood itself chronicles the fates of female-led space expeditions.  See "Offworld: Alien Planet," and then decide if you ever want to fly a Boeing aircraft again.       

Thursday, June 6, 2024

Slaughterhouse, Meat Hooks and Cleavers

I love 1980s horror films. Today we have one that harps back to 1970s horror, more specifically, a tip of the hat to 1974's "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Also, throw in a smattering of 1980's "Motel Hell" and we have another film about butchers who love making sausage and bacon while slaughtering pigs...mostly. Today we look at one with a high body count and hunks and babes in great peril.  Our feature today is 1987's "Slaughterhouse," directed by Rick Roessler.

The beautiful Liz (Sherry Leigh) wants to make a horror film. She enlists her stud BF Skip (Eric Schwartz), and four friends. While shooting near an abandoned, or thought to be abandoned, slaughterhouse, Deputy Dave (Jeff Wright) disperses them. Michelle and Kevin hang back (Courtney Lercara and Joel Hoffman) and get stuck on meat hooks by the half-wit Buddy (Joe B. Barton). See, the meat cleaver wielding brute is the son of Les (Don Barrett) who owns the slaughterhouse. He can hardly control his monstrous son. Uh oh...Tom (Bill Brinsfield), who used to work for Les, has fixed it so the slaughterhouse will be foreclosed on and given to him. Les' lawyer, Harold (Lee Robinson) is also in on this theft.

Now Les devises a plan to lure those guys to his slaughterhouse and feed them into a meat grinder. Oh yes, Buddy keeps finding nubile babes and the occasional hunk to play with and eventually chop up or gut. We gasp as the lovely and nymphomaniac Sally (Donna Stevens) is grabbed by the brute.  Oh, what he'll do to her. Meanwhile, Les' plan goes according to plan but Liz finds her way to the slaughterhouse in the middle of it to film her movie. Now Les has a bigger victim pool. Buddy also has some more nubile babes to gut and butcher.  This is a brutal one and the death count is very high. Gore and ominous plot devices will abound.  You'll even avert your eyes from the screen a time or three.

Will Liz or any other nubile babe survive this film?  Will Les ever be able to corral his half-wit son or will Buddy figure out something to do with a babes other than chop them up?  Not an easy film to watch but a fun one.  Before cutting cholesterol and fat from your diet, see "Slaughterhouse" for a little extra motivation.

Tuesday, June 4, 2024

White Pongo, Gorilla Loves Blonde

The blonde? She's sultry.  She is Maris Wrixon. She is blonde, slender, smokes cigarettes with allure, and leads with seduction. When in doubt, she'll shed her safari duds and boots for an evening gown and stilettos. Today's woke crowd would cancel her.  Unlike today's so-called actresses, Ms. Wrixon is a true dame...and a babe. Even Fay Wray wasn't dame enough to smoke a Virginia Slim or wear a sequins evening gown in the jungle.  Today we look at a 1945 film "White Pongo," directed by Sam Newfield.

Okay, a white gorilla prowls the jungles of Africa, never seen by white men. Then, an explorer suffering from jungle fever makes it to civilization with a diary chronicling the discovery of this beast, thought to be the missing link. Sir Harry (Gordon Richards), and his daughter Pamela (Wrixon) converge. They hire Peter (Lionel Royce) to take them into the jungle and find the supposed missing link.  These jungle excursions will be dangerous and Pamela is insistent that one of the guards, Bishop (Richard Fraser) be her personal guard. This ticks off Sir Harry's personal secretary, Clive (Michael Dyne). Clive loves Pamela but is a milquetoast loser. Bishop is a real man. Into the jungle thy go. Pamela tries to seduce Bishop but he is all business.  He is also a man and eventually, with the help of the evening gown, will succeed.

The white gorilla spots the expedition before they spot it. The creature focuses on Pamela and wants her.  Who wouldn't?  Now some of the expedition reveal ulterior motives and and abscond with Pamela in order to find a gold mine. In danger, Pamela does not know the white gorilla is following.  The white gorilla does not like white men but loves blonde babes. Meanwhile, Bishop has a few surprises and takes Sir Harry further into the jungle to rescue Pamela.  The gorilla will get there first.  Yep...Pamela and the gorilla will share time together, but just how far will they go. Oh yes, did I mention the African guide? His name is...Mumbo Jumbo (Joel Fluellen). Can you imagine this portrayal in 2024?  I love it!  Oh, the great western actor Ray Corrigan plays the beast. Cultural appropriation, anyone?

Just how far will the white gorilla go with his babe captive?  Will Pamela be assaulted and stripped just like Fay Wray or Jessica Lange were in those "King Kong" films? Will Bishop get to Pamela before she is...well, you know what I mean.  Sick of woke and Political Correctness?  Enjoy "White Pongo" and enjoy a slender blonde who smokes and seduces and an African guide named Mumbo Jumbo. 

Sunday, June 2, 2024

Scared, A Knock-Off of Scream

A knock-off of "Scream" means it is not "Scream."  This is just fine with me as I was not a big fan of "Scream." So today we have a confusing, predictable, and un-original film enjoyable.  Of course, this film has something that "Scream" did not have.  Raquel Horton!  As Heather, Ms. Horton is amazing.  All you guys will fall in love with her and all you babes will want to pull her hair out and scratch her eyes out. Sultry and flirty, she is, but will she survive to the end credits.  That is actually a complicated question, and you will see why.  Our feature today is 2002's "Scared," directed by Keith Walley.

Nick (Luciano Saber) and Hamlin (Cory Almeida) are making a horror movie similar to "Scream" and "I Know What You Did Last Summer." The filmmaking duo needs money from the producer (Doug Cole), but he is stingy. The sultry star, Nina (Paityn James), gets killed...during filming. Seems the masked killer with the phony knife was actually a real killer with a real knife...happens, just ask Alec Baldwin. Very sad, Nina was a babe. Enter a substitute babe, Samantha (Kate Norby). Nick used to date her and their is friction between the two. She also used to date Hamlin. Sam's best friend, Heather (Hunter) is the epitome of ditzy. Now in the cast, Sam and Heather will be put in great peril as the killer keeps killing on the set. Each kill seems closer to Sam and Heather.

Heather will scream really well, while in front of the camera, or when the actual killer is after her. Nick and Sam fall in love again and team-up to catch the killer. Cast and crew keep dropping and the sultry Assistant Director (J. Robin Miller) turns up missing leaving a trail of blood. Corpses abound, and Heather...did I mention Raquel Horton as Heather?...screams some more. Sam and Nick will kiss as Hamlin and Heather hook up for...well, you know...and also to solve the case. With two dynamic duos on the case, Heather will keep screaming, and bodies will keep getting slashed.

Will Team Heather or Team Sam solve this case?  Boob job and all, will Heather's annoying voice and proclivity to scream result in her murder?  Will there be a catfight between the sultry Sam and the uber-sultry Heather?  This film is over-the-top heavy on cheese, and we are left hoping some of the babes, if not just Heather, will survive to the end credits.  Do yourself a favor and see Raquel Horton's (a former New York Knick dancer) magnum opus, "Scared."