Wednesday, April 17, 2024

A Blood Story, Bikini Model and Eternal Youth

Yes!  Mindy Robinson plays a bikini model taking on Elizabeth Bathory's family.  Is there a more perfect plot in the history of film?  Forget the tired plots about racism (Yawn), social justice, superheroes, or strong-willed women succeeding in a man's world.  All garbage!  Gimme a bikini model bathing in the blood of virgins and deviant sex.  Wokeness be damned...nubile bikini models rule!  That's my motto.  Today we look at 2015's "A Blood Story," directed by Joe Hollow.

Madison (Robinson) is a bikini model turned writer.  She comes home one day and finds her husband cutting up a young babe in their marital babe.  Madison shoots him dead.  Happens. Now Madison is a writer searching for the fountain of youth.  She ends up at a castle run by the ancestors of Elizabeth Bathory.  Francis (Camden Toy) and his daughter Anna (Melanie Robel), who are just a little too intimate for dad and daughter, are the hosts.  At this castle, young nubile babes are whipped to death and their blood is used for bathing.  Madison takes advantages, bathes in the blood, and all her scars, inflicted on her by her crazy husband, disappear.  Also there is ex-assassin Carter (Mark Hanson)...he and Madison will bond.  Many months later, Madison and Carter decide to rob the castle of its treasure.

Now Madison and Carter return for another weekend of bathing in virgin blood.  Uh oh, Elizabeth Bathory's (Debra Lamb) spirit wants Madison.  Uh oh again, Anna and Francis are smart...they know Madison and Carter are there to rob them.  Triple uh oh...Francis and Anna want to do a blood ritual and bring Elizabeth back to life.  Who's blood will they need for this ritual?  You can probably guess.  Or can you?  Incest...orgies...aphrodisiacs...spankings...BDSM...more incest...and blood baths will fill much of this film.  Oh yes...Linnea Quigley is in this, too.

Will Madison and Carter be successful in stealing the Bathory gold?  Will Elizabeth take Madison's soul...and/or body?  If Hollywood script writers made more films about bikini models bathing and frolicking, would  they have to fear about being replaced by AI?  This is a gratuitous and satisfying film on so many levels.  One may even hazard to aver that this film is Mindy Robinson's magnum opus.  See "A Blood Story," and develop a new appreciation for bikini models.    

Monday, April 15, 2024

Meander, Claustrophobic Scifi

Okay, I admit it.  This film will not get a lot of love.  Too bad as there is so much to love about this one from France.  For one...if you say to someone you watched a French movie, they will automatically think you intelligent.  Second, the babe in it will be clad in a tight, form fitting space-babe suit through most of the film.  Lastly, no matter how the first half of this film goes, there will be gore and a monster...or two. Today we look at 2020's "Meander," directed by Mathieu Turi.

The lovely Lisa (Gaia Weiss) wants to end it all.  Not able to cope with the death of her little girl, she tries to throw herself in front of oncoming traffic.  If things couldn't get worse, she is picked up by a homicidal maniac, Adam (Peter Franzen).  He tries to murder her, then...  Well, then what?  Great question.  She just wakes up in a claustrophobic chamber in the aforementioned jumpsuit. Even more confusing is there is a bulky bracelet on her that lights up and counts down from 11 minutes.  She cannot get it off.  The thing she is in seems to be controlled by an intelligent, though malignant force as it pushes her out of the chamber into a tunnel maze.  Now she is forced to go forward and explore the tunnels.  If she stops, the walls close in on her until she reached the next tunnel.  Even worse, periodically, the tunnels fill with flammable gas and fill with fire.

Slowly, Lisa adapts to the dangers of this maze.  Acid baths, toothy barbed wire, crushing walls, fire, and even water are her perils as she goes forth...but forth to what?  Uh oh...remember the psycho Adam?  He's in the tunnels too.  Already burned over all his body, he is not human anymore, but a monster.  He still wants to murder Lisa and he pursues her.  Now, Lisa must not only figure out what is wanted of her, the mystery of the tunnels, but also outsmart Adam.  If you saw "Cube" or "Crawl or Die," you will realize the inspiration for this film.  Claustrophobic and squirm-inducing, the film will then branch out into a science fiction plot with some weird plot developments.

What are the backstories of Adam and Lisa?  Just who or what abducted these two and are they now pawns in a twisted game?  Is there escape for the Euro-babe in the tight jumpsuit?  Many of you will not like where this movie eventually goes, but I say...Great, go for it!  Bored with the DC or Marvel idiocy some call a universes, see a real movie that makes you think...and wince.  Watch "Meander" today for a terrific horror/science fiction story.   

Saturday, April 13, 2024

The Sniper, Man on Roof Hates Brunettes

Misogyny did not begin with Bill Clinton. As the governor of Arkansas and then as president, this fiend victimized young woman and ruined them.  Misogyny existed long before this fact, our film today is over 70 years old.  Brunettes beware!  These dames will not fare well.  Today we look at 1952's "The Sniper," directed by Edward Dmytryk.  This one is a dark Film Noir type thriller and not the feel good film of the 50s.

Edward has a problem.  He hates women.  He is just out of prison against the recommendation of the prison shrink.  Both Edward and the shrink know that the he is unstable and liable to hurt pretty women. Now Edward is back in society and pushed to insanity by the sight of lovely brunettes.  The urge to murder them is so intense, he intentionally burns his hand to stop them.  This doesn't work.  Now he comes into contact with Jean (Mary Windsor) a sultry brunette who wears slinky gowns, flirts, and sings at a bar.  She's gorgeous and every man lusts after her.  Edward takes his rifle, finds a rooftop, and blows Jean's head off.  Very sad. Jean won't be the last.  The cops get involved.  Detective Kafka (Adolphe Menjou) and police shrink Dr. Kent (Richard Kiley) are on the case.  They meet hundreds of sex maniacs in the city looking for the killer's identity.

Edward will kill Mary (Marlo Dwyer), a prostitute that mocks him.  Then the socialite Mrs. Fitzpatrick (Lillian Bond).  Now city hall is pressuring Kafka to find the killer.  Eddie unravels even more and his misogynistic tendencies take further hold on him.  More babes are endangered and murdered...not all brunettes now.  Kent and Kafka find clues.  The city panics.  Unfortunately for everyone involved, Edward is a great shot...and never misses.

Will the cops find Edward before he murders every babe in the city?  What made Edward into what he is today?  Are the themes and plot devices in this 1952 movie more relevant today than they were over seven decades ago?  See this horrific case study of a misogynistic psycho and realize that we have infinitely more of them prowling America today.  See "The Sniper" for a vicious tale of murder and failed mental health policies.

Thursday, April 11, 2024

6 Wheels from Hell, Torture on the Road

We just don't have enough films about torture chambers. Pity, these things do make such wonderful metaphors especially in Biden's America.  Throw in college hunks and babes and a psycho trucker, well, we have a film that counteracts the trash that the Academy Awards gave us recently.  Today we look at 2022's "6 Wheels from Hell," directed by Evan Allen...with some nice cheese and beef.

The torture and annihilation of the beautiful Taylor (Mindy Gilkerson) opens up our film.  Mother Trucker (Mark Anthony Baca), we'll call MT, has crafted a torture chamber made from an old creepy looking truck.  MT finds babes, and sometimes hunks, on the road, abducts them, imprisons them in the back of his truck, and torturers them before murdering them. Taylor is the present babe and undergoes unimaginable torture.  She is still alive, but quite mad. Along come two great looking couples  Ethan (Malachi Durant) and his babe GF Alexis (Evan Keys)...and also the nubile Angel (Brenna Marie Narayan) and her beau Mason (Kevin L. Sanders).  While stopped at a diner, this quartet gain the notice of our psycho as they mock him...mistake.  MT then knocks out the babe Alexis, throws her in the torture chamber next to Taylor, and drives off.

Now her three buddies are in pursuit.  We get a good look at the torture chamber with all its whips, chains, car batteries, body parts, severed limbs, etc.  Taylor is quite insane and pleads with Alexis just to give MT anything he wants.  The three buddies will catch up to the truck and find themselves captured, too.  Also in pursuit is Detective Cooper (Andriana Garbiso) and Detective Ford (Bradley Rumery).  They have no idea the depravity of MT...but will soon find out.  MT begins torturing by burning off tattoos, electrocuting, whacking with a baseball bat, and pulling teeth.  Not all will survive, but Alexis is determined to was Taylor before going insane.  Alexis will even try to seduce our fiend.  MT will test her loyalty...and you can probably guess how.  As babes and hunks are marred and killed, Alexis is determined to avoid being scarred or bloodied.

Will Alexis turn the tables on MT and be able to save her seemingly doomed buddies?  Is Taylor a metaphor for what has happened to the American people over the past few years in Biden's America? Will our two inept police detectives be able to help the nubile and the hunky, or find themselves hung on meat hooks in the back of MT's truck?  There is something so right about this film.  The cast is great looking and Mr. Baca plays the psycho so well.  For gory carnage, great beef and cheese, and good metaphor, see "6 Wheels from Hell."  

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

The Wind, Meg Foster's Opus Magnum

Meg Foster!  Before her role in 1988's "They Live," which defined a generation, she turned in her magnum opus. As a damsel in much distress, this great 1980s actress excelled as another 1980's legend, Wings Hauser, acts as the slasher. Nothing says 1980s better than Meg Foster, Wings Hauser...but we can also add in David McCallum and Steve Railsback.  Today we look at a 1986 film by Nico Mastorakis, "The Wind."

As our film begins, Sian (Foster) is snuggling with her lover, John (McCallum).  She is a best-selling murder mystery writer and John is...well...useless (just like most men).  We will not speak of John again. To inspire her next novel, and perhaps get away from the milquetoast lover, Sian goes to Greece and rents a 1700 year old house on a cliff from Elias (Robert Morley).  She desires solitude and atmosphere.  Sian begins writing and is soon visited by Phil (Hauser), a slasher/psycho.  It is apparent from the outset that Phil is a most men are.  This is confirmed early on as Phil begins murdering anyone he can find.  Now he sets his sights on Sian.

Sian is smart.  Her mind is warped anyway from writing so many murder mysteries.  This will help her battle the sickle-wielding madman.  What is it with sickles and Euro-Trash films?  Anyway, the battle is on.  More murders will occur and Sian's ability to call for help is hampered by the strong wind outside bringing down the phone lines.  Sian puts up a good fight finding imaginative ways to create weapons and mount a defense.  Running away is not an option as the wind is so strong she is liable to be blown off the cliff if she tries.  But there's hope...Steve Railsback is on his way. Who is Steve Railsback in this film?  A probably useless in this mid 1980s feminist anthem. 

Will Sian, given that men in Greece are so useless, have to find a way to murder the murderer?  Does Phil the psycho have a good point in his fear and hate of a strong-willed and empowered American woman?  Is Phil's use of a sickle hidden symbolism of the bloody wrath Communism has put upon weak European countries?  See "The Wind" ands enjoy a tour-de-force performance of Meg Foster.

Sunday, April 7, 2024

Evil Laugh, 1980s Slasher Fare

How did I miss this one?  A 1980s slasher film with nubile babes and hunks. A lot of big knife murders interrupting pre-marital sex.  Perky blondes and beefy guys desiring only deviant sex.  Whipped cream, bondage, and leather sex toys included...this is a classic...or should be. Nudity, gore, and pre-marital sex will dot the landscape of this 1986 slasher film, "Evil Laugh," directed by Dominick Brascia.

Jerry (Gary Hays) gets to the house early. The house?  Jerry and his babe GF Connie (Ashlyn Gere) will live there with other medical students while turning it into a foster home.  There's was a foster home until 10 years ago when Martin, a caretaker, murdered all the children in the house including six babies.  Martin's body was never found.  Also arriving is nursing student and perky blonde Tina (Jody Gibson) and hunk Mark (Myles O'Brien). The two will hook up. Oh yes, horror movie fan Barney (Jerold Pearson) who gets really scared when he hears the house's history.  Oh yes, the rich snobs Betty (Karen O'Bryan) and Sammy (Tony Griffin) who are nymphomaniacs.  Oh, I should say Connie will never join Jerry as he is cut up and has his vital organs pulled out by a knife wielding killer before Connie or the other students arrive,

Now all the students have arrived and wonder where Jerry is.  The killer has a big knife and will go to work immediately.  Ancillary characters are offed.  Pre-marital sex will begin.  Whipped cream and bondager will enter the plot. In a weird twist, Jerry's internal organs will be fed to the group. The blondes, Betty and Tina, ripe for violation and deviance, will do what perky and ditzy blondes do best in these 1980s slasher films.  Connie seems to have what it takes to be a final girl...worry not, she'll have a gratuitous shower scene.  The killer, who has a weird and obnoxious laugh, will slice and dice.  Axes and microwaves will also be used as murder weapons.

Will Connie indeed be a final girl?  Is the old caretaker really the murderer or is this too easy?  Is 2024 America too woke to think of whipped cream and bondage as plot devices in modern film?  Enjoy the beef and cheese as nubile babes and the men who love them get diced up.  For a real 1980s slasher film, see "Evil Laugh" and admire how films used to be.  

Friday, April 5, 2024

The Loch Ness Horror, Sea Monster Carnage

Sure...they sing folk songs about it.  The Loch Ness Monster.  Children have cute stuffed animals made from its image.  However, the slithery and toothy thing is indeed a monster.  In our film today it is a relentless, unmerciful creature capable of all sorts of icky we will find out in this film.  Desire to pat and tame it if you will, but don't be fooled...a monster is still a monster no matter how many folk songs are sung in its honor.  Today we look at 2022's "The Loch Ness Monster," directed by Tyler-James.

Old Nessie swims out of Loch Ness and into the North Sea.  A submarine crew is tailing it...or is Nessie tailing the sub? No matter, the monster destroys the sub and all its crew. Now some mysterious foundation sends another team to find the sub.  Uh oh...the nubile Lara (Becca Hirani), the hunk Bryce (Dan Gittens) will join this new mission as submersible operators.  Also joining is the sultry Willow (Lila Lasso) the diver, and incompetent but sultry redhead doctor Ava (May Kelly). and a few more soon-to-be-eaten blokes.  They will board a warship, a destroyer, and meet the other half of the crew...and they are a nefarious bunch.  Yep, Ewan (Rob Kirtley) captains the ship and he is mean...don't worry...he will get his. 

Soon, our good guys realize they are not on a mission to recover a sunken sub, but a mission to get the Loch Ness monster.  This is bad news as the creature does not like people, unless they are on the buffet line.  The monster attacks and eats a bunch of the crew.  Alas, Willow is sent down in a shark cage and will not be as fortunate as Hooper was in "Jaws."  Now Lara, Bryce, and Ava must survive the monster and the maniacal crew of the destroyer.  Uh oh...the monster and the psychotic crew are the least of their worries.  It seems Nessie has a surprise or two up its icky and horrific surprise.

Will our good guys be able to survive the monster, the crew, and the surprises?  Instead of folk songs, will Heavy Metal noise now be written about Nessie?  Will Bryce get to have pre-marital sex with any of the babes on board before they are eaten?  Special mention for Lila Lasso...just like Kelly Hu, Rhona Mitra, and Kristi Angus, she has built a fine reputation as a babe actress who seems to die so horribly in horror films.  See "The Loch Ness Horror," and stay away from Scotland. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2024

KillHer, Four Babes Go Camping

Four hot babes! They go camping in the wilderness for a bachelorette party.  Standard horror fare?  Maybe.  That is...until the second half of the film.  Then this film turns into the magnum opus of the lovely actress M.C. Huff.  Gore and torture will abound.  To avoid fatal spoilers, today's description will focus on the first half of the film.  Let us take a look at 2022's "KillHer," directed by Robyn August.

Nothing new here...the sultry and nubile Mattie (Jenna Z. Alvarez) will soon marry the hunk Jagger (Jack Schumacher). Uh oh...Jagger has a suspicious past.  Both his parents were murdered and so was his ex.  Questioned by police, Jagger was never charged.  Eddie (Huff) decides to take Mattie camping in the woods.  Uh Eddie's annoyance, Mattie invited her other buddies, the sultry Jess (Emily Hall) and Rae (Nicole Lovince).  These two add-ons will serve as annoyances for Eddie who might have intimate feelings for Mattie.  The exciting Eddie will tell Mattie that Jagger and his buddies will join them...this appears to be a lie.  Jess and Rae do not like Eddie and you will see why.  They get to the campsite and next to them is not Jagger and his buddies, but a weird hermit named Mr. Rogers (Tom Kiesche).

Suspicion is heaped on Mr. Rogers.  The gals notice weird behaviors from him.  He even has a gun and a chainsaw. The gals partake in naughty activities and as their campfire wanes, their imaginations get the best of them.  What follows is bloody carnage and torture.  The nubile Mattie trusts Eddie but the other two babes do not.  Now Eddie must battle mistrust and her true feelings for Mattie.  More blood and more murder.  So much murder.  Mr. Rogers now sees the gals as adversaries...but he also appears to be afraid of them. The nubiles will find themselves battling one another just as much as they battle the murderous force that stalks them in the woods.

Exactly who is Mr. Rogers?  Why doesn't Jess trust Eddie?  Will Mattie ever get a clue and realize that her best friend sees her for more than just a friend?  This will get quite gory and the death count will get extensive.  For a film about four damsels (or most of them are damsels) in the woods being stalked by a killer appeals to you...YES...see "KillHer."     

Monday, April 1, 2024

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Axe-Lamb

We all remember the nursey rhyme. It was written as homage to the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus. Let a filmmaker get hold of it and we have a homage to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," complete with a cannibalistic family, nubile babes served up on a buffet, and a monster lamb. Does this cross the line?  Did "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"?  This one is grim, gory, taboo, and without humor or wit.  A true horror film.  Today we look at either a piece of heresy or some dark horror.  Our film today is 2023's "Mary Had a Little Lamb," directed by Jason Arber.

The sultry Carla (May Kelly) hosts a cold case crime radio show.  She's about to get cancelled unless she can dig up some recent cases as opposed to hundred year old murder mysteries. She finds one...12 hikers have gone missing in the same section of forest over the past decade.  She takes her inept crew which includes the nymphomaniac Liz (Danielle Scott), and a bunch of other bait.  Most notable is our very pretty researcher, Shelley (Charlie Esquer).  Oh, those 12 hikers...captured by a weird old woman, Mary (Christine Ann Nyland) and her deformed son, the monster lamb (Gaston Alexander).  In fact, as our film begins, they have the lovely Joan (Lila Lasso) tied up at the dinner table and make her eat the remains of her just killed BF.  Charming.  Mary likes the pretty ones and we wonder if it is because she is looking for a mate for this six-foot monster lamb that is her son.

Carla and her crew start researching and find Mary's old house in the woods near the disappearances of the hikers.  They are invited in and right away figure something is weird about Mary. One by one the crew is taken apart by the lamb child.  The lamb loves pummeling with a hammer, using a chainsaw, or eating flesh directly off the warm body. Babes and nymphomaniacs will not fare well...and Mary appears to be saving Carla for something special.  Eventually, the lamb makes itself known to Carla and what it and Mary will try to do to her is right out of Tobe Hooper's classic.  

Gory and heart breaking, this is a vicious and bloody tale.  Will Carla pull herself together and be able to save herself and any of her crew?  Will the lamb decide that Carla is the gal for him/it?  Will Mary feed the crew to Carla at a final feast? For a dark and ominous horror film, see "Mary Had a Little Lamb."