Tuesday, July 5, 2022

Camp Murder, Classic Theme and Lots of Carnage

The kill count will be massive.  Intestines will pour out.  Machetes will lodge in heads.  The killer will have a kind of hockey mask.  From Polonia Brothers Entertainment we have 2021's "Camp Murder," directed by Mark Polonia.  You have to give this film credit...it does have originality as one of the potential final girls is a professional wrestler (Jamie Morgan) who is ready to grapple.

25 years ago, Tommy (Jeff Kirkendall) murdered dozens of people at a summer camp by the lake.  According to his mother it was the fault of the "whore counselors."  Hey...I believe her.  As our film begins Dr. Lewis (Noyes Lawton) is conducting one last session with him before his retirement.  This won't go well and when Lewis departs, Tommy murders an orderly (Polonia) with a pen.  Now he's on the loose and of course heads back to the summer camp he committed all those murders at.  Also heading to that camp are some young professionals who seek to have a lot of pre-marital, marital, and extra marital sex.  Included is pro wrestler Roxy (Morgan) and her manager and retired wrestler Chuck (Tim Hatch).  Oh yes, Cody (Kyle Rappaport) is also along...he seeks to steal Roxy away from Chuck.

Dr. Lewis, who has had no sex for the past 25 years, is then seduced by reporterette and babe (Katie (Jennie Russo).  She has incredible sex with him and gets him to tell her that Tommy has escaped.  Now Katie wants the story of the century and heads to the camp, as well.  Tommy gets their first and kills a dozen or so schmucks with his machete as the campers arrive.  Now Tommy sets his sights on the campers, including the female wrestling babe, Roxy.  Also arriving is an assassin hired by Lewis to murder Tommy.  Dr. Lewis, Tommy's mom, and Katie the reporterette also arrive.  They're all running into a buzz saw and many of their fates will be quite gory.

Will Roxy have a knockdown drag out grappling event with slasher Tommy?  Will any of the campers survive the carnage.  Will reporterette Katie get what she deserves, get in a catfight with Roxy, or get her story from Tommy?  Fun and gore!  Oh why oh why didn't Gail Kim ever do horror films (I know, irrelevant question)?  As with any Polonia Brothers film, you will have so much fun watching "Camp Murder."

Monday, July 4, 2022

Murdercise, It's Coming to Make You Sweat...and Bleed

The 1990s!  Yep...what do we all remember from the 1990s?  Right!  Before ESPN went insanely woke, we could all watch Kiana Tom's "Flex Appeal" every morning.  The sultry Polynesian babe...sweaty...and quick with pelvic thrusts, contorted stretches, and cleavage more impressive than the Grand Canyon.  I don't think anyone ever did the exercises she demonstrated.  Her costumes...shiny and big on butt floss...were carrying many an adolescent boy through puberty.  Horror and this erotic workout concept existed in a limited sense, 1988's "Death Spa," and 1987's "Killer Workout" (aka "Aerobicide").  Fear not...coming soon from A & P Films..."Murdercise."  There will be butt floss, shiny aerobic outfits, nubile and stacked babes...and blood.

Friends of this blog, Angelica De Alba and Paul Ragsdale are making this movie now.  Just so you know, the babe factor will be extreme (and I expect the costumes and blood, too).  The duo has lined up some sultry actresses such as Jordan Phipps ("Amazon Hot Box"), Jessa Flux ("Space Babes from Outer Space"), Krystal Shay ("Streets of Vengeance"), and Nina Lanee Kent ("Slashlorette Party").  I'm sure these babes will also be adorned with outfits that would make Kiana Tom moan.  At this point, do we even need a plot?  Okay...rest assured there will be one.  It will concern Phoebe, an exercise workout video model who learns to murder...a story for out time.

I am excited as so many of Ms. De Alba's and Mr. Ragsdale films have appeared on my blog...all stupendous...and very erotic and gory.  Sweat, bleed, or just pant...there is no way you are going to want to miss this one.  Even better...be a part of it...I did.  There is an Indeigogo campaign that offers some neat gifts for your participation.  I opted for the autographed poster.  Check it out and choose your gratuity...which will likely be gratuitous.  Click on this link to go to the "Let's Get Murdercised!" Indiegogo page MURDERCISED on INDIEGOGO  .

A throwback to the great VHS horror days and exercise workout shows is almost here.  If you never had your fill of butt floss, satin outfits, pelvic thrusts, and women models who could no way be real...join the "Murdercise" exercise campaign now.  

Sunday, July 3, 2022

Werewolf In a Girls' Dormitory, Nubile Babes in Much Peril

No one plays a damsel in distress better than Barbara Lass. When she made 1961's "Werewolf In a Girls' Dormitory," she was married to Roman Polanski...perhaps a wife in peril, as well. In this Italian horror yarn, her and a dorm full of nubile babes will be put in great danger. Oh yes, these are "at-risk" gals...meaning they are criminals, sent to this school to be rehabilitated. In much peril...from a werewolf, yes, but also from a caretaker who pimps them out for deviant sex with old geysers, and an amorous new professor...you gotta love Italian horror.
Okay, Julian Olcott (Carl Schell) has just arrived to this school as a science professor. In reality, he was a doctor at an insane asylum who fell in love with a beauty who turned into a werewolf, and then he killed her when his antidote for her didn't work. Let us not be judgmental, after all, don't we all have similar stories in our past. Back to the plot, the promiscuous Mary (Mary McNeeran) who Walter the caretaker (Luciano Pigozzi) has pimped out to old geyser Sir Alfred (Maurice Marsac), is picked apart and maybe raped by a werewolf. Julian just so happens to be an expert on werewolves, he was attacked by one, after all, so he immediately starts investigating. Also investigating is the sultry Priscilla (Lass). She knows Mary had been blackmailing Sir Alfred.
Now Priscilla finds herself in danger as a number of assorted folks want to murder her. Sir Alfred needs her dead, so does his wife, and so does the werewolf...whoever that is. Julian falls in love with Priscilla, which was the source of his downfall at his old job, and either wants to save her...or rip her to pieces...or both at the same time. Priscilla realizes she can't trust anyone and when her best friend Sandy (Michela Roc) is murdered by Walter the pimp/caretaker, she is put in even more danger. As the werewolf continues mangling and clawing, Walter and Alfred realize Priscilla has the letters that Alfred wrote to Mary. Now Priscilla agrees to be pimped to Alfred as she attempts to find clues that will implicate him...bad move.
Gratuitous and horrific, there is much to this plot. Barbara Lass is alluring and perky and we can see what Roman Polanski saw in her. Just who is the werewolf, and what does it have planned for Priscilla? Is turning into a werewolf a mere metaphor for a man's increased libido when a girl's dormitory is introduced into a plot? Are we way off base looking for a guy to be the werewolf, as most of the cast are nubile dames? Directed by Paolo Heusch, "Werewolf In a Girls' Dormitory" is a wonderful mystery/horror film with a bevy of beauties filling out the cast.

Friday, July 1, 2022

Space Vampire, She Exists to Feed and to SHower

Okay, I know.  This is an artsy-fartsy effort.  Really smart people with Ph Ds will like it a lot and give it awards at festivals.  One may even label it Bohemian.  But wait!  Bohemian or not...the vampire is a real doll.  To be more specific, it's the Kate Beckinsale kind of vampire.  You know the type...a real babe in tight, black, vinyl or latex with sexy black boots.  Bohemian or trailer trash, this kind of vampire always merits our attention.  Today we look at 2020's "Space Vampire," a Chris Alexander film.

To understand this film is to understand what a vampire is.  A blood sucker.  They exist to eat (blood).  They feed.  They're dead.  Used to be alive...but now...they're dead.  The babe vampire (Ali Chappell) in this film feeds.  She wanders and lives in a mansion.  She either lived there when she was alive, too...or snuck in and fed on the owner.  Probably, in a similar event that happened to her, she feeds on a beautiful woman in bed.  She's kind of messy...as she ends up splattered in blood.  She'll strip out of her alluring vampire get-up, and shower the blood off.

What else?  Well, the what else is in her face.  She used to be human...no more.  Uh oh...it is apparent there is still some humanity left in her...not much.  No words...it is all in her face.  Sad...doomed... helpless, a slave to her condition.  She'll prowl at night...no doubt to secure blood.  Then shower (Yes!).  However inhuman she is, and however much she is a creature of the night...the trace amount of humanity inside her, a dying amount, knows she is doomed to this inhuman existence and this breaks our hearts.  This is not a "30 Days of Night" vampire...this is a babe we care about.  Sure, the tight vinyl costume and boots help with this attraction.  Make no mistake...she exists to feed.

Chris Alexander shows us the horrific and heartbreaking existence of a creature of the night who used to be human.  How she got this way is hinted at in this film and where she is destined to go is also hinted at.  By the way...the ending?  You'll see.  Some may say it is a shocking twist...but think about it.  Perhaps it changes nothing.  See "Space Vampire" and be ready to be allured and saddened. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2022

The Oracle, Babe and Ghost Seek Justice

When 1990 arrived, I was sure I had seen every 1980s horror film.  Not even close.  I missed a lot...and some really good ones.  Hence, today we look at 1985's "The Oracle," directed by Roberta Findlay.  Okay, the scene when the prostitute is sliced up will; leave you feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and in need of a long shower.  Important plot devices push the proverbial envelope and dive into the taboo.  Gore, babes, creatures, and horrific f/x all await you when you put this film on.

The sultry Jennifer (Caroline Capers Powers) finds a planchet in the basement of the apartment building.  She is a new tenant and moved in with her mean husband Ray (Roger Neil).  She's transfixed on this hand-shaped planchet and finds it has mystical powers.  Using it like a planchet on a Ouija board, the thing writes her messages.  Ray is not amused and believes Jennifer has lost her sanity.  Uh oh...the messages are written by a dead guy who was murdered by his wife (Victoria Dryden), and two thugs, Varney (Dan Lutsky) and Farkas (Pam La Testa).  Uh oh...Farkas is quite the psycho and most people think she is a man.  She gets off on sexually violating beautiful woman as she murders them.

Now the wife, Dorothy, finds out Jennifer is communicating with her deceased husband and orders Varney and Farkas to murder her.  Farkas wants to rape Jennifer, too.  Ray tries to get rid of the planchet and gives it to the building super...sadly, the planchet births slimy octopus-like creatures that take him apart.  Now the planchet is back and anyone who tries to separate Jennifer from it will die horribly.  Now Jennifer gets clear instructions from the spirit...murder the trio who murdered me.  Increasingly possessed, Jennifer is used to hunt the killers as they hunt her.  The deaths will be excruciatingly gory and the ghost f/x will be classic!

Will Jennifer be able to complete her mission to murder the homicidal trio?  Will Farkas succeed in raping Jennifer?  Will Ray, Jennifer's insensitive husband, suffer a fate worse than being served divorce papers?  Ms. Powers is a sultry damsel in danger and the ghosts are horrific, making "The Oracle" a must see 1980s horror film.  

Monday, June 27, 2022

Where the Scary Things Are, Of Monsters and Children

The most wonderful monster movies that have touched us have always used the monsters as mirrors in which we see our own reflection. Frankenstein's creature wasn't the evil one, it was the wannabe God scientist and an antagonistic citizenry that proved the real monsters. The creature from "Creature from the Black Lagoon" wasn't the real monster, rather the real fiend was an invading and exploitative advanced civilization that caused the havoc. In 2020's "Where the Scary Things Are," B. Harrison Smith gives us a monster movie that may not only convict today's youth, but the society that has reared them. So get ready for a ride that may remind you more of "River's Edge" than "Stand by Me," only with a slimy, toothy monster as guide.
They're worse than Stephen King's children of the corn...modern day "Dockers." Technologically savvy high school kids who blackmail their way through life filming people doing sordid acts. This group of high school kids are their own worst enemies. Well meaning teachers, in this case Mr. Lewis (Paul Cottman) are neutered by an establishment who seems bent on society's ruination. The Dockers hang out (trespass) at a scare-amusement park which is closed for the season, "Field of Screams." The smart-phone kids are bent on filming the shocking and completing Mr. Lewis' assignment...document an urban legend of their own creation. What happens when figurative monsters look for real monsters? You'll see. Ayla (Selina Flanscha) has allure beyond her years and plays her fellow Dockers with guile and their own hormones.
The evilness of the kids is heartbreaking, especially the youngest one, Bran (Quinn Andrew Fickes). We initially see an Opie from The Andy Griffith Show, until he quickly assumes the demure of Malachi from the King story. Then the magic happens...the urban legend, "Lock Jaw" appears. Fear, shock, and pissing in pants gives way to opportunity (how many YouTube views is it worth?) for our Dockers. Our little monsters don't run from the real monster...nope...the little P.T. Barnums capture it, torture it, and exploit it. Uh oh...blackmail and embarrassment aren't the only weapons for our Dockers...now they have a monster. Sure, not all of our group is evil, and Ayla's sexiness (think Salma Hayak in "From Dusk to Dawn") wanes to certain members...but is it too late? The project gets out of hand and the nature of the evil and gore increase until a bloody 'point of no return' is neared.
Conviction and sober reflection don't combine to give us the feel good film of the decade...but perhaps "Where the Scary Things Are" can serve as a warning of where we have come...what we have created...and a plea to quickly change course. The "kids" who star in this film are brilliant and talented beyond their years and Mr. Smith's direction (and some genius cinematography by Matt Nease) enhance the performances and scares. This is a top-notch monster film which lacks sugar coating. Forget about DARE videos, or Nancy Reagan "Just Say No" PSAs... you parents...watch this film with your teenagers and dive into some frank discussion. "Where the Scary Things Are," it'll scare you and just may edify your resolve to do better.

Sunday, June 26, 2022

This Time it's Personal by B. Harrison Smith, Yes it is

The summer of '81 saw me getting ready for my senior year at Newton South High School.  I had two loves...the Boston Red Sox and horror films.  Was scared of girls and had never dated back then.  The 'Sox and slasher films were all I needed.  Then apocalypse!  Major League Baseball entered in an elongated strike.  Even worse, America was pre-occupied with the two English dweebs, Charles and Diana and their forthcoming wedding (gag me with a spoon!).  Now I just had horror...baseball was gone.  Remember, this was the summer of '81...what a summer this would be.  A unique story about growing up?  I thought so.  WRONG!!!  Other's have had similar experiences.  Who knew?  Today we look at B. Harrison Smith's, This Time it's Personal.

Enough about me.  Horror film director B. Harrison Smith tells a similar story.  In his auto-biographical type book, his story helps me realize what happened to me, many decades ago.  Dealing with "shit" and being a kid, then a teen, Mr. Smith is brutally honest about himself and what sent him into adulthood...and it all centers, in this book, on his companion...horror films.  Ph. Ds would look at Smith and his childhood years (and mine, too) and project him (us) as serial killers, or school shooters in the making.  Don't even bring up Tipper Gore to me.  Guess what...violence of any kind just was not in us.  Surprise.  A theme that Mr. Smith comes back to often in this volume is something his grandmother, Cloris Leachman (not really, but you'll see) told him...to paraphrase, you don't need to fear the dead (vampires and ghosts)...fear the living.

This is not a selfish book.  If you are not into coming of age stuff, fear not.  It is also a love letter to some great horror that guided us through our kiddie and adolescent years...and beyond.  You were not the only one to be horrified at "Let's Scare Jessica to Death," or "Invasion of the Body Snatchers."  You weren't the only one to have imaginary girlfriends taken from early 80s scream queens (mine was Rebecca Balding, "The Boogens.").  Mr. Smith gives us permission to realize we weren't as weird as we thought.  We weren't stunted by our horror mania.  We weren't destined to be deviants.  Horror was a protector, we know that now.  It gave us hot girlfriends, even though they were imaginary.  They inspired us to fight evil.  They inspired us to independent thought.  Horror made it easier for us to see the bullshit even when everyone else was buying into it.

This Time it's Personal is so much more than what I have written above.  It brought me back to my most awkward days when I snuck into The Saxon theater in Boston to see "Blood Beach."  Now I realize this was a time to treasure and look back on with fondness...not shame or guilt.  Read this B. Harrison Smith book...and you will see what I mean.  Mr. Smith, even though you may never meet him, will be your new best buddy.  When your friends extol the virtues of 1980s movies like "Ordinary People," and you desperately want to answer with your experience with "The Burning" and the crush you had on Leah Ayres...that little voice you hear whispering "It's okay...go ahead...tell them," will be B. Harrison Smith's.

To order This Time it's Personal on Amazon, click on this link This Time It's Personal 


Saturday, June 25, 2022

Alien Goddess, A Bloody Mess from Sweden

Yep, its from Sweden.  I know what you're thinking.  Sweden?  Swedish babes?  Yep, there will be Swedish babes...in fact, one of the main characters is Mistress Julie (Luna Dvil), a big breasted dominatrix.  Sold already?  Well good!  Be warned, you will often yell "What is going on here?" during this film.  Be patient...its kind of all answered by the end...and did I mention the Swedish dominatrix?  Today we look at 2022's "Alien Goddess," directed by the probably blond Andreas Marawell.  

One night a massive school or university building in the Swedish countryside will be very busy.  An evening class is occurring there for people fearing death.  Their professor, Lori (Birgitta Rudklint) takes her adult learners through decomposition, maggots, and rigor mortis.  Also in the school are two hot lesbians, Miranda (Julija Green) and Wendy (Karin Engman).  They are there to make-out and express their feelings for one another.  Then, a photo shoot.  Paul (Okan Akdag) is shooting some erotic smut featuring the aforementioned dominatrix and Dorothy (Johanna De Vera).  The two models will engage in faux catfights and pull their tops off.  Then the weirdness happens.

Something is in the walls.  It seems to want everyone presently in the building. Poor Wendy, she'll wander away first and be gripped by...well, you will see.  One by one, students wander away from the death class and then the power goes out.  Now, everyone is wandering through the building and figuring out they can't leave, you'll see.  The thing in the walls manifests and there will be gory kills and organs ripped out of torsos.  Now a mysterious beauty (Chantel Gluic) emerges in Miranda's clothes and she holds the key to what is going on...too bad, she will not speak.  The gore increases, hearts are ripped out, and not all of the beautiful will remain beautiful.  But why?  Trust me...it sort of comes together.

Who is this mysterious and silent beauty that has emerged?  Will we see more catfights or whippings in scenes with Mistress Julie?  Will the creature inside the walls turn the tables on Mistress Julie?  Okay, so I'm preoccupied with the Swedish dominatrix...like, you won't be?  So go follow the other sheep and see Tom Cruise in "Maverick."  For prurient gore and Swedish BDSM action, see Mistress Julie in "Alien Goddess."   

Thursday, June 23, 2022

Fury of the Wolfman, Paul Naschy and Euro-Babes

From Spain, another Paul Naschy film.  Spain's greatest horror actor always pleases and shreds Euro-babes as he does.  However beset Mr. Naschy is with some Tibetan curse, he can take heart in knowing sultry chicks will always be near.  Directed by Jose Maria Zabalza, we will look at 1972's "Fury of the Wolfman," today.  Perhaps lost in dubbing, the cohesion of this film isn't strong, but we don't need it to enjoy the carnage, the monster, and the Euro-babes.

Oh no!  Waldemar's (Naschy) Tibetan expedition is wiped out by an avalanche and he is the only survivor.  Still, Waldemar was not unscathed...he was bitten by a Yeti before being rescues.  Now he is home and nursed by his sultry wife, Erika (Pilar Zerilla).  He'll report back to work at the university where he is lusted after by two major-league Euro-babes...sultry professor of brain science, Ilona (Perla Cristal) and a hot grad student she has a spell over, Karin (Veronica Lujan).  Ilona seems to control Karin and there are hints at a lesbian relationship.  Now Ilona, who secretly loves Waldemar, seeks to control him.  Uh oh...the Yeti bite makes Waldemar a werewolf during the full moon and Erika and her lover are the first two victims...so sad. 

Now the plot thickens.  Waldemar seems to get killed fleeing the murder scene.  His body is dug up and Ilona brings it to her weird laboratory castle.  After Waldemar is revived, Karin also falls in love with him.  Bad news...Ilona is a mad scientist with no intention of ever releasing Karin or Waldemar.  The castle is filled with insane mutants (failed experiments), and they love pawing and strangling Euro-babes.  Now Waldemar seeks freedom as Ilona shows a proclivity to control him even when he changes into a wolfman.  Eek...Ilona has quite the terrifying surprise for Waldemar which might see Karin ripped to shreds.  Ilona's fiendish plot is insane and to make matters worse, the insane mutants rebel.

Just what is Ilona's surprise for Waldemar and Karin?  Does Karin have a shot at surviving until the end credits?  Will there be an epic catfight between Ilona and Karin (and maybe throw in some babe mutants) over Waldemar's affections?  Prurient, erotic, and campy...this werewolf film from Spain is a lot of fun.  For a great Friday night creature feature, take in "Fury of the Wolfman."   

Tuesday, June 21, 2022

Revenge of the Lost, Dinosaurs Conquer

Many great filmmakers have dispensed this advice to youngsters desiring to also become great filmmakers, "Get out there and start making movies!"  Hurray for Erik Franklin.  Spartan perhaps.  Low budget, sure.  Corny?  Maybe.  Still 2017's "Revenge of the Lost" (aka "Jurrasic Vengeance") is a lot of fun and action packed...with lots of monsters.  You won't have to watch too closely to see similarities in this work to "The Mist," "The Walking Dead," and "Jurassic Park."

No one knows where they came from...millions of dinosaurs!  The world is now enduring an apocalypse due to these reptilian monsters.  Two cops, the hunk Ray (Franklin) and babe Michelle (Ivey Bronwen) have survived and are trying to stay uneaten.  This is difficult as the T-Rex's, Raptors, Pterodactyls, Triceratops, stegosaurus, and brontosaurus are running amok.  Emergency broadcasts beckon them to two surviving army posts within a days drive.  To get there they will have to battle monsters and psycho-survivalists.

Captain Knight (Erika Chang), the sultry Asian-babe commander of one post supervises the mad scientist Dr. Winston (Jay G. Hill).  Working with the nubile Dr. Jenna Price (Grace Xie), Winston is creating a chemical bomb that will spread a deadly virus to the dinosaurs...thereby saving mankind.  Uh oh...it will also wipe out the surviving humanity.  Ray and Michelle reach the base and witness the pretty Jenna being murdered by Winston.  Now Winston is determined to set off the bomb while keeping the antidote to himself.  Now our two cops must convince the sultry Knight to believe all this...but it may be too late.  Winston is determined.  As the dinosaurs manage to get into the bases, Winston is now working fast.

Sick of the "Jurassic Park" franchise?  I have been for many years.  This Erik Franklin film is fun and shows how to entertain with a horror film made on a shoestring budget.  Great looking characters and cheesy dinosaur f/x will surely please.  For some bargain basement dinosaur thrills, babes and hunks, and a mad scientist...give "Revenge of the Lost" a chance.      

Sunday, June 19, 2022

Restart the Earth, Humanity Eating Plants

Nature turns on humans.  Classic theme of horror films.  Today, from China, we have one of these movies. The plot may be predictable but the plant/monster effects are cool, and the commandos are hunks, except for two.  Those two are commando babes.  With humanity facing extinction, the Chinese commandos are our only hope.  Today we take a look at 2021's "Restart the Earth," directed by Zhenzhao Lin.  By the way...don't be fooled by the awful title, this is a wild monster movie.

Plants rebel.  They develop a conscious and get ticked at humans.  This causes them to grow to gargantuan sizes and strangle the Earth.  They strangle skyscrapers, whole cities, cars, people, and roads.  Humankind seems extinct as our film begins with a scientist dad, Yung How (Mickey He) trying to keep his cute little girl, Yung Yung (Mi Luo) alive.  The duo live in a makeshift fortress protected by UV lights.  The plants get in and drag Yung Yung away.  Yung How chases after the green things and follows them to a giant plant infested laboratory.  Now the plants want to eat Yung Yung and capture her dad, too.  Just as all looks hopeless, out of nowhere, commandos barge in to save the day.

A babe lieutenant commando (Michelle Ye) chops away the tentacle-type roots with her katana sword as her mates bring in the firepower to include a flamethrower.  It is an epic battle and now the commandos and the two they rescued are on the run.  Now we find out Earth only has a couple of days before the miles deep root systems pull it apart.  A central command is calling the shots and they have a plan.  Uh oh...the plan won't work, says scientist Yung How.  Now he must get the military to listen to him and alter it.  Meanwhile, the massive plants chase after them and pull down skyscrapers beside them.  Now the babe commando and Yung How make goo goo eyes at each other as Yung Yung detects that a new mom may be imminent.  Uh oh...Yung How's plan won't work either...but never fear, help will come in unexpected places.

Massive in scope, and plenty of plant monsters that will remind you of the creatures in "Deep Rising," will make this film very satisfying.  The Chinese spared no expense and who can argue with a babe commando wielding a katana sword as a plot device.  For an epic monster movie with no PC Hollywood themes, see "Restart the Earth."   

Friday, June 17, 2022

Project 'Gemini,' Where We Go When Earth Loses Oxygen

Elon Musk and a few other scientists are bent on making Mars sustainable.  Yep, Earth's days are numbered and the population keeps growing.  We humans need a new planet to build strip malls and strip clubs on.  From Russia, a movie that may give us an inkling on how this will all take place.  Today we look at 2022's "Project 'Gemini'," directed by Serik Beyseu.  So get ready for tentacled slimy creatures and cosmonauts with no personalities, and let's go exploring through the universe.

A virus has hit Earth's plants.  The green things are dying and the oxygen levels on our planet are plummeting.  We'll all suffocate soon unless we can find a new planet to colonize.  This is Russia, so Elon Musk isn't on their speed dial...but Dr. Steve Ross (Egor Koreshkov) is.  He has invented a sphere that will act as a terraform device and produce atmosphere and plants on a dead planet.  One such planet is found and he assembles a crew to go there and create a new place to live.  To do this, he will have to leave his babe wife, Amy (Alyona Konstantinova), who is working on a vaccine for the plants.  A special spaceship is invented that can tap into worm holes and do warp speed.  Boom!  The crew is on their way.

Uh oh!  Something goes wrong.  A "critical error," as the computer terms it.  Now the spaceship pops up in an unknown portion of the universe at the wrong planet.  Uh oh again...something else tagged along.  Something mean, slimy, homicidal, and with tentacles.  The crew lands on the planet, figuring one dead planet is as good as another dead planet, and activate the sphere.  Uh oh again...it does create life...not the kind of life first imagined.  Now the crew is on the defense against this slimy and evolving creature.  Wait!  Indications are Steve is a mad scientist who knows more than he is letting on.  The creature is bent on murdering the crew and destroying the spaceship...or is it?  Yep!  Twists abound.  Remember Amy?  The babe back on Earth?  She'll pop up again in this plot.

Is Dr. Steve really an evil mad scientist or is he onto something too complicated for his crew to understand?  Is the tentacled creature really bent on murdering everyone or does it plan on doing something with the lone female cosmonaut (Carlyle DePriest)?  Are our cosmonauts really lost or is their ship right where it needs to be?  Corny and sappy at some points, an "Alien" rip-off at others, "Project 'Gemini,'" is a neat Russian scifi film which Elon Musk should take a look at.    

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Vivid, The Little Blue Pill and Carnage

Ah, that little blue pill. Wait, no...not that one. The potency pharmaceutical many use to enhance...well, you know, might be the subject of a great film, but today we will talk about another pill, also blue. A pill that will allow us to live in our dreams. Sound good! If you're a loser, you can now manipulate your dreams so that you are a winner, and stay in those dreams. What could go wrong? Hence we look at 2011's "Vivid" (aka "Wonderland"), directed by Brandon Slagle.
We start off with a couple of losers of life's lottery. Two schmucks going nowhere but down. Ethan (Keith Kraft), a call-center employee and Rosa (Devanny Pinn), an addict. Rosa will die of an O.D. soon and Ethan will probably commit suicide. Wait! There is also Alice (Deneen Melody), a suicidal soap opera actress who may have been abducted by a serial killer. The serial killer? Let's just call him The Man of Sin (Slagle). He indeed has our actress. The Man of Sin is into these little blue pills in which he can control his dreams. There's more! He can control the dreams and realities of those he abducts. He can give them everything they want and aspire to. Fame! Glamour! Wild sex! Importance! You name it, and The Man of Sin enjoys playing God.
There is a big problem here...he's also a serial killer. A serial killer who seeks to be God tends to be a problem...especially if he decides to focus on you. Our two losers are transformed after he abducts them. Rosa is now a stunning babe and Ethan is an important bloke driving expensive cars. Being magnanimous to losers isn't The Man of Sin's ultimate goal. Killing and gutting losers is easy, but transforming them into their ultimate dreams...and then offing them...well, that's more fun for him. Now Rosa and Ethan will meet and both realize their present existences can't be real. They better be careful because The Man of Sin is their god in this dream state and he has some demented plans for the duo. Oh yeah, that soap opera actress? Well, that won't be a pretty plot device, I'm afraid.
Will Rosa and Ethan be able to join forces and battle The Man of Sin? Is the Man of Sin also a serial killer in the actual world, or just in this weird wonderland? Is the little blue pill in this film a relevant metaphor for the one pushed on us by "Big Pharmaceutical." Ms. Pinn does a fantastic job and plays to the camera very well...especially in the dream state. For some suspended reality fun and arousal, enjoy "Vivid."

Monday, June 13, 2022

Van Helsing, Vampires and Cenobites Hunt Babes

I guess they are some kind of mix between cenobites and vampires.  Either way...evil things.  Okay, this is not the Hugh Jackman/Kate Beckinsale film of the same name, which is good news.  The 2004 "Van Helsing" was pretty bad except for the fact that Kate Beckinsale's portrayal of Anna Valerious was stunning!  Today we look at 2022's Jagged Edge Productions "Van Helsing" (aka "Wrath of Van Helsing") directed by Soner Metin.  English babes in much peril from creatures of the undead...and the anti-hero that may end up loving them...Bran Stoker would be proud (okay, maybe not).

You have to love Ellie (Antonia Willhans).  Clad in a short leather skirt and fishnets, she meets three of her babe friends for a hike.  The semi-Goth babes are just as inappropriately clad. Briony (Elspeth Foster) wears latex hooker boots...hey, why not?  The two blondes are Alex (Beatrice Fletcher) and Shauna (Abi Casson Thompson).  Oh yes, Van Helsing (Michael Hoad)!  He makes a bargain with the devil to be immortal in order to hunt the monsters that ate his family.  I'm not sure what the devil gets out of this bargain.  Briony leads her babe friends to some World War 2 ruins in the English countryside which now is used by Satan as a gateway to Hell.  There, the four babes are hunted by cenobites and vampires.

With Ellie now missing, her parents enlist the help of a weird priest, Igor (Darrell Griggs) and the grouchy and ineffective Van Helsing.  The duo take their time getting to the ruins and as a result Ellie's friends are bitten and turn into vampire brides...not good for Ellie.  Now the head cenobite/vampire captures Ellie for some assumed ungodly purpose.  Van Helsing and Igor finally arrive and do a mediocre job battling the monsters.  Ellie looks real good running through underground ruins in fishnets and leather.  She'll put up a decent fight against the monsters and we hope Van Helsing and his weird colleague will find their A-game.

Will Van Helsing and Igor ever figure out they are monster hunters and stop acting like assistant inventory managers at a mid-size plumbing supply company?  Will Ellie's fishnets and leather skirt put some passion and personality into the world's most famous monster hunter?  Will Van Helsing's lack of personality drive the nubile Ellie into the arms of the cenobite/vampire leader?  This is a fun one, as all Jagged Edge productions are.  For a good monster and babe film, see "Van Helsing."  


Saturday, June 11, 2022

Devil Story, Lingerie Clad Babe vs. Monsters

A sultry blonde clad in a white shiny and very kinky piece of lingerie will grace our blog today.  The babe, delusional and helpless, will be chased by a mutant Nazi, the Nazi's mom, a mummy, a babe zombie, a ghost ship out of "Tombs of the Blind Dead," and a demon possessed horse.  Yep, today we will look at a French film, 1986's "Devil Story," directed by Bernard Launois.

As this fine cinematic jaunt begins a mutant Nazi (Pascal Simon) shreds a couple of campers and a couple who break down at the side of the road.  The killings will be followed by spurting blood.  Enter our nice looking couple (Veronique Renaud and Marcel Portier) and their Mercedes Benz.  Now they break down and are fortunate enough to make it to a huge castle/hotel run by two weird locals.  The rain begins and a demon possessed black horse torments the people inside the castle.  The old guy who runs the place grabs his shotgun, goes outside and shoots at the horse for the next 24 hours, never getting anywhere close to hitting it.  This is not an exaggeration.  Our blonde babe puts on her nice piece of lingerie and follows the old guy outside into the storm.

The husband?  He's useless, like all men, and we won't mention him again.  Now the Nazi mutant drags coffins to his farm where he lives with his mom.  They both see the lingerie babe being chased by the horse and try to capture her.  The mom wants to murder the beauty but she gets away.  Bad news, a mummy arrives and resurrects a babe.  The old guy continues shooting at the horse.  Uh oh!  A ghost ship rises out of the sand to torment all involved.  Our babe is chased by the Nazi and looks fine in her lingerie, jiggling appropriately.  Uh oh for the Nazi...the horse kicks half his head off...he's none the less because of it.  Now our babe sees the old guy has bad aim and commandeers his shotgun...LINGERIE BABE WITH A SHOTGUN!!!  That's another film, I'm sure.

Where does this all lead to?  Oh, come on?  Non-consensus plot lines was a concept first theorized by Guy de Maupassant a long time ago (okay, I just made that up).  But, hey!  Well built blonde in shiny lingerie, chased by monsters, jiggling nicely, and eventually grabbing a shotgun...you want a storyline?!  Please!  For a really alluring movie watching experience, watch "Devil Story."  

Thursday, June 9, 2022

Meatcleaver Massacre, Mass Murder and its Downside

Based on the title alone, 1977's "Meatcleaver Massacre" is a definite for this blog.  Even its original title, "Hollywood Meat Cleaver Massacre," is a winner.  Starring Christopher Lee!  Sure, there are problems with this film.  Christopher Lee is not in it...either are there meat cleavers...and there is no glimpse of Hollywood.  I think we are all big enough to look beyond those deceptions.  After all, we ignore deception when we vote every November.  Dismissing Christopher Lee, even though he is top billed, and the meat cleavers, we will look at this Evan Lee film. 

The Destroyer of Destroyers, the Gaelic demon Morock!  Hey, if you can't get Christopher Lee, Morock is a close second.  Professor Cantrell (James Habif) lectures on Gaelic demons to his college class.  Four of his rudest students confront him after class and he tells them off.  The druggie quartet then seek revenge and pile into a van and go to his home.  There they sneak into his house, club the professor on the head (believing they killed him), murder his lovely wife, just out of the shower beautiful daughter, and hungry son.  Cantrell is now paralyzed from the neck down, and in a coma and on life-support in the hospital.

Now the four thugs think they have gotten away with murder.  Cantrell taps into his subconsciousness and even in a coma is able to summon Morock, the Destroyer of Destroyers.  Once summoned, Morock is relentless and never fails.  Mason (Larry Justin) is the meanest of the thugs and Dirk (Doug Senior) seems to be his number two.  One by one, Morock pays visits to our evil quartet and the results will be pretty gory.  J. Arthur Craig plays the detective investigating the crime and he does a pretty good job...though not as good as Morock.  Morock's wrath will be bloody, but there may be hope to break the curse...maybe.

Will any of our four thugs survive the wrath of Professor Cantrell/Morock?  Will his coma or newfound friend from Gaelic mythology affect Professor Cantrell's tenure?  Is this bloody saga a twisted metaphor for how America's inferior university system is murdering the intellectual ability of American youngsters?  Bloody and ominous.  If you can get over that the top-billed Christopher Lee is not in this film, you will enjoy "Meatcleaver Massacre."  

Note:  Some IMDb research has indicated Christopher Lee does appear in some cuts of this film as the narrator. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2022

The Eerie Midnight Horror Show, The Italian Exorcist

Who cut the cheese?  The grouchy exorcist guy!  I could not resist, but this happens an hour into this film. This film?  An "The Exorcist" rip-off from Italy. In fact, the plot is the same one as William Friedkin's film. Okay, it is a Euro-trash film so we have more prurient sex.  Oh yes, the girl?  Not a 13 year old but a nubile and sultry college student.  This film came out in 1974, the same year as "The Exorcist" so the movie makers jumped on the crucifix while it was still hot.  Today we look at "The Eerie Midnight Horror Show" (aka "Enter the Devil"), directed by Mario Gariazzo.

Danila (Stella Carnacina) is an art student.  She convinces her department to buy a statue of an evil looking hunk crucified on a cross.  Then the prurient weirdness begins.  That night she attends a party at her parents' place.  She witnesses her mom, Luisa (Lucretia Love), having vicious sex with a hunk.  Luisa likes to be whipped and bloodied during the dirty deed.  Danila, upset, goes back to the art department and paints.  While paining, the statue comes alive, rips her clothes off, and has mad pre-marital sex with her. Kind of liking it, Danila calls her boyfriend (Gianrico Tendinelli).  He's useless, like all men, so we will not mention him again.

Now Danila is possessed by Satan, who is the being in the statue.  Her parents bring her into the country for R&R only to breakdown in front of an ancient Temple of Baal (this is Italy, no Love's Truck stops around).  She explores and finds Satan waiting for her.  She'll witness some demon babes sacrificing nude virgins as Satan claims her.  Now Danila is all sexed out and tries to rape her dad.  Things get worse and the Catholic church gets involved after the medical experts are baffled.  Enter Father Xeno (Luigi Pistilli). After Xeno cuts the cheese, he is ready to exorcize Danila.  Oh yeah, Satan's defense against Xeno?  Danila is tasked to seduce the old priest and claim his soul.

Will Father Xeno succeed and free Danila from Satan's grasp?  Will Luisa get tied to an altar, stripped, whipped, and raped by demonic nuns?  Okay, maybe that is another film.  Either way, "The Eerie Midnight Horror Show" is a prurient Euro-trash entry from Italy you will enjoy.