Tuesday, January 30, 2024

Asylum Blackout, Ominous Asylum Revolt Horror

No humor in this one.  No cute diversions or relationship building plot lines.  No breaks from an increasing ominous and gory story.  It'll make you squirm right away and then rev up the squirm level with every minute that passes.  Be warned...this is a horror film that does not try to be a cute story of human plight or personal struggle.  Many will die...all horribly.  They won't just die...they will be tortured, or taken apart while still alive.  They will be mocked, or hunted, or humiliated.  Get ready for 2011's "Asylum Blackout," directed by Alexandre Courtes.

Sans Asylum in Washington state houses criminally insane deviants.  George (Rupert Evans) is the head cook there.  He works with a staff that includes the cantankerous Max (Kenny Doughty) and Ricky (Joseph Kennedy).  The cook staff also has a rock band, which probably isn't any good.  One night a storm causes a blackout.  Now big tough guard JB (Dave Legeno) needs the cook staff to help him bring the homicidal maniacs back to their cells.  Not to worry...they are all high on their meds and quite docile...not. Something is wrong. It appears the insaniacs have been spitting out their meds and are not medicated.  They also see a chance to rebel and rip apart everyone in the asylum.  Mass murderer Harry (Marcus Garvey) seems to have organized a plot to find all the guards, nurses, and cooks and torture and kill them.

The inmates are unmerciful.  They'll pummel heads, cut off digits, chew off facial features, and even turn on their own.  George, who probably should've looked for another job when he could have, now is on the run inside the asylum with his staff.  They won't fare well.  What we are treated to on the screen will turn your head.  What the homicidals will do will be quite revolting.  You will wince and cover your eyes all the way until the closing credits.  Some may term this film "torture porn."

Does George and his fellow cooks, and metal band, have a shot at making their next gig?  What could these insaniacs have done if the nurses in this film looked like the nurses in "Halloween 2"?  Does Harry, the ringleader, have a point to his rebellion and massacre?  It is scary to think that half the American population is off their meds and another 49% are in control of taking their own meds. Perhaps this film is a metaphor of a society so dependent on psyche meds and where we are going with that.  Most probably, it is merely a gory and ominous horror film.  See "Asylum Blackout" and try not to cover your eyes or turn your head.    

Sunday, January 28, 2024

The Rig, Drill Baby, Drill...Then Die

I love these movies.  Isolation is a great setting.  Whether it be in deep space on a cavernous spaceship...or on an oil rig in the gulf during a hurricane.  The outside world can't get to you so if someone has a toothache...tough!  Or, if a slimy and irate creature gets aboard...tough!  Today we will look at the 2010 film, "The Rig," directed by Peter Atencio.

A hurricane is moving in and non-essential personnel are flown off the oil rig and back to mainland.  This leaves a crew of...essential personnel.  What makes them essential?  Um...well, they have some great pre-marital sex and gratuitous shower scenes.  Hey...not just anyone can do that.  Jim (William Forsythe) heads the rig and stays aboard.  Just before the storm moves in, the drill entered some cavern thousands of feet below the surface and a creature came out and boarded the rig.  No one knows this...yet.  Carey (Sarah D'Laine) is Jim's hot daughter and lover of roughneck Dobbs (Scott Martin)...he grunts a lot.  The two have steamy sex.  Meanwhile, roughneck Freddy (Stacey Hinnen) has some steamy sex in the shower with babe roughneck Rodriguez (Carmen Gloria Perez).  Oh...while this passion is going on, the storm rages, and the slimy and irate creature begins murdering essential personnel.

The creature is vicious and really dices up its victims.  Now, after passionate pre-marital sex, the essentials realize the monster is hunting all of them.  The cavernous oil rig is a perfect setting for this monster film.  The essential roughnecks will attempt to protect the babes...but they are roughnecks and grunt better than fighting monsters.  One by one the essentials are pureed.  A few plans are hatched to battle the creature...none any good.  Then the essentials get mad...except for Carey, she just cries and screams a lot...but remains looking really good.  Now its roughnecks versus creature...both sides seem mad...and both sides seem bent on annihilating their opponent.

Does the slimy creature from the depths merely want love, just like the roughnecks have on the rig?  Will gratuitous and steamy showers be interrupted by thrashing and blood spurting?  Is this film a metaphor for the carnage caused by the Obama Administration defunding safety and medical expenses for off-shore drilling?  This is a good one.  Great acting, great beef, and great cheese.  For some creature feature type entertainment, see 'The Rig."   

Friday, January 26, 2024

Forest of Death, Shapeshifter, Hunks, and Babes

A cabin in the woods.  Two hunks.  Two Babes.  Pre-marital sex.  Marijuana.  Beer.  Then...a homicidal monster.  Do you need to know any more?  Low budget horror is like pizza...hot and juicy, or cold and soggy...its all good.  Today we bundle some familiar tropes and are left with something so satisfying.  Our feature today is 2023's "Forest of Death," directed by Brendan Rudnicki.

As our film begins a great looking couple fall victim to a shape shifter. Shape shifter? It is this monster in the forest that takes you, then takes your form and goes back to your buddies and picks them off one by one in bloody fashion. Okay, Ashley (Chloe Marie Rhoades) is a blonde babe.  We like her.  She seems nice and screams well during pre-marital sex. Her and her hunk BF Tom (Tyler Miller) are going for a weekend getaway at a cabin in the woods.  Ashley is bringing her redheaded babe GF Tracy (Stephanie Kirves) and Tom is bringing his buddy Dylan (Dylan DeVane).  A set-up weekend that turns out well.  I mean, Tracy and Dylan fall in love. Then, pre-marital sex, beer drinking, and weirdness seep into the plot.

Roger (Benjamin L. Newmark) is a crude guy who crashes their party.  He tells the kids about the shape shifter and how it took the form of his wife.  Okay, I don't want any comments from you divorced guys out there. The shape shifter is real, though the quartet of babes and hunks does not believe Roger.  The thing does what shape shifter's do and bloody carnage ensue. Oh, remember the couple who got taken apart at the start of the film...well, one of them is back...or a reasonable facsimile of him is back...and not for noble purposes.  The screaming will continue though not just during pre-marital sex. 

Will any of the babes emerge as a "final girl," or will they both succumb to the creature?  How many guys out there dating babes would not really notice if their babe was all of a sudden an evil monster?  How many babes might prefer their meek BFs become a bit more evil and risqué?  This is a fun one.  Though very predictable, the cast is great looking, acting is good, and the creepiness factor is high.  See "Forest of Death," and enjoy an 80s type horror film. 

Wednesday, January 24, 2024

Stalked, Commando Babe vs. Invisible Man

Ah!  The Military Industrial Complex (MIS).  We are at war because the execs at those companies need to send their kids to college and live in mansions.  Gaza and The Ukraine are a mess because of them.  Afghanistan was a total embarrassment because the MIS told us that we needed to be there. Now we're being thrown out of the Middle East, out of Africa, and China and Russia are being invited in.   Despite Patriot Missile Systems, bunker busting bombs, the F-35 jet fighter...we still lose wars...badly!  Our military has been the laughing stock of the so-called international community.  Anyway, this brings us to our story today, 2019's "Stalked," directed by Justin Edgar.

Babe commando Sam (Rebecca Rogers) is abducted, chloroformed, shoved into a van, and dumped in a massive factory.  She wakes and has no idea where she is.  The British Army commando can't find a way to leave...then she is attacked.  An unseen attacker punches her and throws her about.  Her attacker is invisible.. The thug is wearing an invisibility suit created by the MIS so our soldiers can fight wars while invisible.  Yeah...that'll work.  I hear the Taliban laughing already. The important thing is the government sends billion dollar contracts to this company...winning wars?  Who cares? Now Sam must match wits and try to find a weakness in this weapons system.  If the MIS invented it...we know it has dozens of weak spots or flaws.

Uh oh for her attacker (Lawrence Saunders)...Sam is a demolitions expert.  She builds bombs.  Her bombs are low-tech and don't cost billions of dollars...so they work. Eek!  There are machinegun firing drones also after her.  Now Sam is back at a disadvantage.  She meets other gals who are victimized at this factory...they all will be gutted or murdered in other gory ways.  Then Sam catches a break.  She is smart and figures out a way to see the invisible guy.  As if the Taliban won't also find this out. Sam is smart though...General Mark Milley and Lloyd Austin are not.  Because Sam doesn't sit around pasting bogus medals on her uniform all day, like those two aforementioned losers, she has a shot at survival. 

Can a babe commando that knows how to light a match and use household cleaning products defeat the Military Industrial Complex?  Will Ukraine ever figure out that the toys of the MIS will merely get their army destroyed?  Will America's new recruitment efforts produce a military feared by everyone, or laughed at by everyone?  "Stalked" is a fun one and with a babe commando you will enjoy rooting for.  See "Stalked" and say no to the politicians and their buddies in the Military Industrial Complex.

Monday, January 22, 2024

Freak, Teens go Camping...Carnage Ensues

Yep...we have another teens go camping and die horribly story.  Yep...they seek pre-marital sex and get taken apart instead.  Morality tale.  Even worse...there might be some marijuana smoking going on.  Our film today is a brief one, just under an hour, but wow!  The gore f/x are amazing (Matthew Sorenson), and the acting is terrific.  Original plot?  Okay, maybe not, but it pulls from some of our favorite films of the 80s as opposed to "Ordinary People" or "Silkwood."  Today we look at 2020's "Freak," directed by Lucky Cerruti.

As our film opens, two campers seeking pre-marital sex are torn apart in the most gory fashion.  The titular freak, deformed and mutated, wanders into their camp with a little saw and goes to town.  Fast forward, Jenna (Sasha Van Cott) and her brother Ryan (Dorran Boucher) join Henry (Jameson Batt) and his GF Kendra (Annachristi Cordes) and the hunk Jake (Hunter Wilson) in a camping trip in the woods. We like Jake.  He seems nice and is very respectful to "loner" Jenna. Uh oh...Jake brings them to a part of the wilderness that is the subject of an urban legend.  In these parts, a deformed boy was born.  At the age of five, the boy is left in the woods by his parents and turns into a killing machine.  This freak enjoys shredding campers.  Is it true?  Most people say no.  But...it is true.

Now our freak converges on our campers.  At first he just watches them through the trees.  Uh oh, he seems to develop a crush on the loner Jenna.  Like most freaks, all he wants is a little love and understanding and perhaps Jenna would be amenable to giving it to him.  Alas, Jenna is not that weird.  The thing attacks them one by one.  His methods of murder are incredibly gory.  Where is this all going?  Fans of 1980s slasher or camping in the woods films might see where its going.  In any event, it will be incredibly gory...and our freak is grotesque.

Do any of these campers have a chance of surviving until the end credits?  Does Jenna have what it takes to be a "final girl," and if so, does our freak have special plans for her?  After those slasher films of the 1980s, why would any teen go camping in the woods?  Okay, I realize pre-marital sex and mosquitos all around is a big lure.  For a spirited and very gory 1980s type slasher film, see "Freak."    

Saturday, January 20, 2024

Body Melt, Gross Oz-Sploitation

When the Aussies cross the line...well, we all cheer.  Of late, the Aussies have been too behaved and pretty boring.  In the 90s, they were grossly risqué.  Today's feature has an exploding tally-whacker, ambitious mucus, melting faces, and projectile internal organs...and much more.  Disgusting!  Revolting!  Think of a less artsy-fartsy David Cronenberg effort.  Throw in some Aussie mutant hillbillies, and mutant sex and we have one that you may wish you never put on.  For the curious among you, today we look at 1993's "Body Melt," directed by Philip Brophy.

VemuVille Health Resort is pioneering human health and stamina.  Their scientists are creating vitamins that will enable the body to reach its full potential and heighten libido.  Right!  This will go horribly wrong.  The film opens up with sweaty pre-marital sex.  Current lead scientist, the babe Shaan (Regina Gaigalas) is giving a former resort chemist Ryan (Robert Simper) mad sex.  She also gives him an injection of VimuVille vitamins.  Paul will begin melting and mutating.  Shaan has also seen to it that these vitamins are sent to a new housing development as supplements so she can see their effect on the citizenry.  This won't go well.  Pregnant Cheryl (Linda McCune) will be given some by Dr. Carrera (Ian Smith), who is her OB/GYN and a scientist for VimuVille.  What happens to Cheryl and her unborn baby is so revolting that we won't even mention it here.

After some more people melt and mutate, two cops, Sam (Gerard Kennedy) and Johnno (Andrew Daddo) trace the melting people back to the resort.  In the interim, a family of four arrives there for testing... the family will be enveloped in disgusting bodily rebellion.  Uh oh...there is another former scientist, Pud (Vincent Gil) who now oversees mutant hillbillies.  Dr. Carrera still must consult with him.  What Pud's mutant kids do to some teens is equally revolting...and then what they did to a cute kangaroo...oh, no! Projectile vomit and exploding internal organs will rule the second half of this film.  Shaan will get more ambitious about getting these vitamins out to the general population.  I could go on and on...but you are probably getting the picture.

Will Sam and Johnno reach the resort and stop Shaan from parceling out these vitamins before the entirety of Australia's population melts and explodes?  Metaphorically, has the entire population of Australia already melted and exploded due to their poor choices in national elections?  Has Shaan taken any of these vitamins and will she fall victim to an exploding tally-whacker?  How many times have you ever been asked that last question?  Don't say I didn't warn you.  Fans of body horror may appreciate the hillbilly nature of this Aussie entry.  See "Body Melt" and let this film be a warning against supplements and other stuff new at GNC.

Thursday, January 18, 2024

Girl House, Porn Actress vs. the Slasher

A college babe working in porn!  Right!  I get it.  In this male dominated world, how else is a beautiful woman supposed to earn money for tuition.  The male dominated American university system, run by perverted middle-aged men, don't give a gal a chance.  Poor Kylie (Ali Cobrin).  Her mom is recently widowed and can hardly pay bills...Kylie herself can't afford tuition.  The dorm rates alone are prohibitable.  Either be a whore or...be a porn actress.  Gritty reality.  Okay, this may be baloney but because Kylie is a babe...we'll go with this premise.  Today we look at 2014's "Girl House," directed by John Knautz and Trevor Matthews.  With a high death count, oodles of blood and nudity, this may be one of the best slasher films of the 21st century.

Unable to afford college, Kylie doesn't want to drop out.  Get a job at Hooters?  No!  She accepts an offer to be a porn actress.  Recruited for 'Girl House,' the most popular porn website in the world, all she has to do is stand in front of the camera and do all sorts of naughty stuff while men pay to watch with their credit cards.  By the way...Kylie just happens to be good at it.  Also good at it are her beautiful housemates which include Alyson Bath as Devon and Chasty Ballesteros as Janet.  Naughty undergarments, bikinis, or total nudity will rule this film...then they will give way to blood and gore.  Uh oh...Loverboy (George Carroll) is a big customer.  He meets Kylie on webcam on her first day and chats with her.  He has this idea that Kylie likes him...until by some misunderstanding, he is humiliated by Kylie and the girls in the house.  Uh oh, again.  Loverboy is a computer genius.

Loverboy?  We meet him in the opening scene.  Warning!  This opening scene may be the most disturbing scene you have ever seen on film.  Now Loverboy breaches security and enters the house.  The girls... many will cease being pretty after Loverboy gets through with them.  He doesn't just want to kill them...he wants to toy with them, humiliate them, and make them suffer for a long time before killing them.  Oh...what he does to poor skank Devon...you'll wince when you see.  Every girl in this house is a sultry 10...Loverboy goes through them like crap through a goose with some extremely imaginative kills.  Uh oh for Loverboy...Kylie is a college girl.  College girls have brains.  Okay, so maybe they don't...but since Kylie is quite the babe, we'll go with that.

Will Kylie go from Cam-Girl to Final Girl.  Just what did the babes do to Loverboy and what happened to him in that tortuous opening scene?  Is this film a metaphor of what the American university system really seeks to do to sultry babes that enroll in their institutions?  This is a bloody and very disturbing one.  For those of you who like their horror brutal and misogynistic...see "Girl House." 

Tuesday, January 16, 2024

Papertrail, The Manhunter of the 90s

Back in 1986 the film "Manhunter" started so much.  Out of that film grew "The Silence of the Lambs" and many sequels. An FBI profiler is lured into the dark side and barely is able to get back to humanity. What a plot!  In 1998 "Papertrail" (aka "Trail of a Serial Killer") comes out.  Very similar in plot to "Manhunter."  You will even recognize some of the characters, though they have different names.  Today we look at "Papertrail," directed by Damian Lee.

He's back!  He was gone for a while but he's back...killing again.  Last time an FBI agent, Jason (Christopher Penn) failed to catch him and went mad in the process.  Jason is living a pathetic life now, long since fired from the FBI. The killer picks good looking females.  He drugs them, removes a body part from them while alive, and kills them.  Very gory and hard to watch.  FBI agent Abraham (Michael Madsen) persuades Jason to return to the Bureau and catch this killer.  Uh oh...sultry psychologist Alyce (Jennifer Dale) is getting calls from the killer.  He knows a lot about her and insinuates she will be a future victim of his.  Alyce has a group therapy session weekly for whackballs who have been driven insane because of sexual reasons. 

Okay...the killings continue.  Now Jason and Alyce put their heads together.  Both are a little deranged themselves.  Then a break...during the murder of one of Alyce's group members a witness is left alive.  Eileen (Thea Gill)  just off steamy and deranged sex with a hunk is grabbed as her hunk is tied to the bed.  The killer will dissect her in front of the hunk who will be in too much shock to recall any details.  Now Jason begins to figure things out.  Alyce reassesses the harmless nature of her group therapy patients and arms herself.  More killing...and then...  Well, you'll see.

Is one of Alyce's patients the killer?  Will Jason hold onto his sanity long enough to catch the killer?  Would Christopher Wray's modern day FBI have been able to catch the killer if the killer was not a Trump supporter?  This is a gory one and will make you squirm as you watch it.  See "Papertrail," forgive the stupid title, and enjoy a FBI profiler vs. a serial killer thriller.

Sunday, January 14, 2024

Space Wars: Quest for the Deepstar, Monsters, Space-Babes, and Space Hunks, Oh My!

Two sultry space-babes!  First a b***h-slap episode...then an all out catfight!  Oh yes!  Monsters!  Big monsters!  Then bigger monsters eat the big monsters!  This is just too good!  Then spaceships shooting lasers at each other!  More monsters!  More space-babes!  Feisty babes fighting grunting hunks! Do you really need to hear anything else?  Okay, Michael Pare!  Here is the clincher...one of this blog's favorite actresses, Sarah French as the space-babe with an attitude!  Did I mention the monsters?  I know what you're thinking...with catfighting space-babes...will there be tentacles?  Today we look at 2022's "Space Wars: Quest for the Deepstar," directed by Garo Setien.  If you are a fan of Max Gunssler novels, you will love this one. 

A ferocious dragon explodes out of the sand and eats a poor schmuck...and almost eats Kip (Pare). So begins this film. Fortunately, sultry space-babe Taylor (French), Kips's daughter, saves him and the duo go on their perilous quest. The duo are a salvage team running from a sadistic warlord, but still quite thew babe, Elnora (Sadie Kurtz). I guess Kip killed all her children and she hasn't got over it. Taylor and Kip decide to go for it all and seek Deepstar. Deepstar?  A wrecked ship with the equipment on board to bring Kip's wife (Elise Muller) back to life. That simple? No way!  Also in search for this thing is Dykstra (Olivier Gruner)...evil hunk.  With him is maybe evil/maybe good hunk Wade (Tyler Gallant) and evil and uber sultry space-babe Nina (Rachelle Brooke-Smith).  Dykstra murders everyone he meets and as you might expect, will come in contact with Kip and Taylor.

Am I leaving anything out?  Of course.  You'll see.  Now, in a barrage that will make "Battlestar Galactica" look like "My Dinner with Andre," spaceship laser fights will be thrown at us in a veritable waterfall.  Yes, Kip and Nina will engage in b***h slapping and a great catfight...or two. Wade and Taylor may fall in love...you'll see. Oh, Taylor?  She throws more punches in this one than Roddy Piper threw in "They Live."  Then more monsters!  Tentacles?  There are of course space-babes...the best bait for tentacles.  You'll see.  For you dames out there...grunting and fighting...and shirtless space-hunk action.  Betrayal and psychotic tendencies will further endanger Taylor.  Then...more monsters!  This may be the best space-babe/space-hunk/monster epic of the 21st century.  John Ford would be pleased with this far reaching plot that could very well be a futuristic John Wayne-type oater.

Will Kip and Taylor find the Deepstar and bring back Kip's wife?  Will Nina and Taylor catfight their way into the tentacles of a slimy monster?  Will hunk Wade prove to be a suitable lover to the sultry Taylor...or a veritable Norman Bates?  This is a good one...don't miss it.  There will be no slow or reflective scenes in this film...total action and gratuitous monster and space-babe action.  See "Space Wars: Quest for the Deepstar" today...it may be the most action packed movie you see in 2024.

Friday, January 12, 2024

Alien Vengeance II: Rogue Element, The Tentacled Thing is Back

Remember ALIEN VENGEANCE which I reviewed her last January?  Well, Debbie Rochon and the tentacles are back. When watching the sequel, "Alien Vengeance 2: Rogue Element," please remember the old saying, "The opera ain't over until Debbie Rochon busts through the front door shooting!" We just don't get enough tentacles nowadays.  I guess in Japan they do...but that's another story.  So let us look at a bargain basement version of "John Carpenter's The Thing."  This sequel is a 2010 film directed by Jason Liquori.

Jan (Skyler Anderson), who took on the tentacled alien in the first film, is seemingly locked away in an asylum for the criminally insane.  As this film begins, a sultry dame (Kimberly Amato) is killed when she picks up a hitchhiker...who just so happens to be the dreaded alien. Now Eileen (Meta Scholan) and Charles (Kevin White) are having friends over for dinner. Charles is on disability from a government job after going bananas after seeing a UFO.  Eileen is his sultry wife. Here comes Bob (Wing Armstrong) and Margaret (Vivian Fleming-Alvarez)...another great looking couple. Bob and Charles play on the computer where Charles spends a lot of time looking for ETs and UFOs.  Uh oh...also arriving is hunk Arnold (Jeff Johnson) and a skank he just picked up, Jenna (Heather Saint Noel).  Uh oh again, a weird and wounded deputy (Liquori) arrives screaming one of them is a deadly alien.

The aforementioned alien, that can and will sprout deadly tentacles, enters a human host and mingles as if he is that human.  One of the partiers is that alien.  Now the guests are paranoid and all suspect one another.  These folks have reason not to trust one another, anyway, you'll see.  Now as the lights go out for short periods of time, the alien strikes.  Decapitations abound.  Our humans stare at one another trying to figure out which one of them is the tentacled fiend. Some great one-liners are thrown out, and now the friends will mistrust each other more.  Fear not...tentacle carnage is coming.  So is Agent Onyx (Rochon) with her eyepatch and big gun.  A warning to the party goers...Agent Onyx hunts aliens but will be no friend of theirs.  Oh yes...Jan has escaped from the asylum and is headed their way.

Which one of our great looking partiers is the tentacled fiend?  What does Jan want and is she insane?  With probing tentacles, is this film a big draw in Japan?  For some B movie fun with a nice cast...and Debbie Rochon (no one sports an eyepatch as good as she), see "Alien Vengeance 2: Rogue Element."       

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

Zombie Death House, Blood Fest in the Joint

Wow!  How did I miss this one in the 80s?  Zombies!  Blonde babes!  Hunk convicts!  A mad scientist! A blonde babe mad scientist! Nudity! Gore!  Then there is an astronomical death count.  Sadly, many of the blonde babes, especially if they get naked and lathery...will be among the dead.  Hey, even better...John Saxon stars in this and directed it.  Today we look at a zombie/gangster/prison epic, 1988's "Zombie Death House" (aka "Death House").

Derek (Dennis Cole) is back from Nam...the war!  He's also just out of the joint.  The only job this hunk can get is to chauffer for crime boss Vic Moretti (Anthony Franciosa). Being a trusting sort, Vic has Derek drive his hot and young blonde GF around, Genelle (Dana Lis Mason).  Derek and Genelle will get naked a lot and have a lot of pre-marital sex.  When Vic finds out about this he drowns the naked Genelle in the tub and plants her corpse in Derek's motel room. Now Derek is back in the joint...on death row.  Also in the joint is Vic's gangster brother, Franco (Michael Pataki).  Franco will try to make life difficult for Derek.  Uh oh...enter John Saxon as Colonel Burgess.  Burgess and the prison doctor have been experimenting with a serum that modifies the behavior of death row inmates.  Now Burgess gives the doctor a new serum...one that makes them vicious lunatics.

Yep...things get out of hand.  Burgess tricks the original mad scientist, who created the original drug and is now a TV reporterette, to go into the prison and do a story.  The reporterette/mad scientist is Tanya (Tana McClure).  She'll have topless scenes in this one, just like Genelle.  The serum causes a contagious virus and it is out of hand.  The inmates have revolted and take prison personnel hostage.  Now Col. Burgess sees his experiment is out of hand and figures on blowing up the entire facility.  Tanya and Derek team up to quickly find a vaccine and we pray that that lunatic Fauci is nowhere around.  The zombie population increases by the minute and Derek and Tanya fight against all odds to get out alive with the few survivors that are left.

Will Derek and Tanya engage in pre-marital sex and if they do will the TV reporterette/mad scientist also get murdered?  How does a babe mad scientist become an Emmy winning TV reporterette?  Will Col. Burgess' evil intentions compare to the death count inflicted by the CDC and Dr. Fauci?  This is a great one.  The babe and gore factor are off the charts...and so is the beef factor.  For some wild straight-to-video plot, see "Zombie Death House."   

Monday, January 8, 2024

Yule Log, The Poor Man's Evil Dead

Fans of Polonoia Bros. Entertainment films will love this one.  Who else would give you a hybrid of "The Evil Dead" and "Ghidorah the Three Headed Monster"?  Kind of like mixing "Ordinary People" with "Shaft."  That smooth.  Two of our favorites, Jeff Kirkendall and Jamie Morgan will grace the screen delivering bone chilling scares and holiday metaphor.  Today we look at "Yule Log," directed by Mark Polonia.

Ancient Saxons burned a witch at the stake named Druinda (Christopher Beacom).  Centuries later, two good blokes, Charles (Kirkendall) and Roy (Tim Hatch) pick up their recently widowed buddy Earl (Michale Korotitsch) for a deer hunting weekend.  The trio reach an isolated cabin in the woods.  Meanwhile, Robin's (Morgan) car is forced off the road by monster tree roots.  The roots chase her to the cabin.  Beaten, bloodied, and in shock, the three men take her in.  Uh oh...Druinda is back from the dead.  See, Charles and Earl went out for firewood and cut up the dead tree the witch was staked to.  After burning the wood...Druinda is re-animated.  Conjuring up tree monsters and their roots, the witch begins its attack on the cabin.

The men do a fine job at securing the place.  Uh oh...Robin is no longer in shock.  She is also not Robin anymore...but a demon taken right from "The Evil Dead."  She wants to swallow souls and looks really ugly.  Now with foes on the inside and outside of the cabin, the men find a rusty machete and a crossbow. Yes!  Have we ever had a bad movie that utilized a crossbow?  Exactly!  Druinda gets stronger and the roots now strangle the cabin putting more pressure on it than was on the Titan when it went poof!  Jeff Kirkendall may not be Bruce Campbell, but with a crossbow...can he be far behind?

Will the tree roots have their way with Robin as they did with Bruce Campbell's GF in "The Evil Dead"? Do any of these three buddies have a shot at survival or will one of them be sucked into an alternate dimension? Is Druinda a metaphor for our Modern Era in America which seeks to mar Christmas and all its celebrations? This is a fun one and when Ghidorah the Three Headed Monster shows up, you will cheer so loud you will cry. See "Yule Log" today. 

Saturday, January 6, 2024

Sky Monster, Octopus at 30,000 Feet

The film quote of the year.  Lola (May Kelly), sultry blonde with a leopard print bikini and a fabulous cleavage buff, sums up what is really important in life, "I should be topless, on a beach, f***ing hot guys!"  Unfortunately for Lola, the tentacles might get her before she can rip that bikini top off.  Hot girls! A slimy tentacled fiend!  Bikinis all around!  Finally, a film that demanded to be made.  Today we look at 2023's "Sky Monster," directed by Aaron Winsal, Rhys Frake-Waterfield, and Tyler-James.  This one comes to us courtesy of our buddies at Jagged Edge Productions.

Major league babe, and skank, Cindy (Betsy-Blue English) is having her 21st birthday.  What do 21 year old skanks want for their birthdays?  Right!  Slimy tentacles up their...  Whoa!  Stop!  There goes auto-correct again. Cindy's rich dad hires a private jet to fly Cindy and her four sultry buddies to San Lorenzo! Beaches! Rum! Hot guys! Pre-marital sex on the beach with hot guys, while drinking rum! We were all 21, once. Okay, the plane hits weather at 30,000 feet and a huge octopus monster attaches itself to the plane.  By the way, we should mention the other bikini babes; Lola we mentioned above, Becca (Sarah T. Cohen), Yvonne (Sarah Alexandra Marks), and Adriana (Evangeline Burton).  Champagne and 'shrooms are served by hunk flight attendant, Vince (Jack Ilco)...I guess they ran out of peanuts.  Poor Vince...no one should fall victim to probing tentacles emanating from a toilet...but it happens.

Now the pilot is pulled out of the cockpit by the octopus.  Cindy must fly the plane...she won't be much help.  The tentacles get probing...after all, we do have five nubile bikini babes on the plane.  The Air Force will send a fighter jet and the control tower will send two commandos in a plane to help out.  Men!  As usual...useless as they will be of little help.  Finally, the octopus wants to use its tentacles in a way Roger Corman would approve...to go after the babes.  Cindy is showing no proclivity to do anything useful in the cockpit...wait...did that come out right?  The octopus is hungry and sadly, not all the bikini babes will fare well.  Is there any hope for our nubile nymphomaniacs?  How many times have you asked that same question this week?

Is the babe eating octopus at 30,000 feet a metaphor for the deadly decision by the airlines and the CDC to make all passengers wear masks during the COVID sham?  Might the tentacled fiend be a manifestation of the ids of these skank nymphomaniacs?  There goes auto-correct again. Are tentacled creatures at 30,000 feet, feasting on bikini babes, an underused plot device in modern cinema?  This is a good one...and no doubt one of the finest films of 2023.  See "Sky Monster" as soon as you can...a definite date movie. 

Thursday, January 4, 2024

Polymorph, Hunks and Babes Taken Over by Killer Alien

A camping in the woods story...with an isolated cabin under siege by an evil alien.  Oh yes!  Can this plot device be beaten?  This is an unusual one...a B horror film that is really a C film...with great acting and terrific looking talent.  The story is compelling, deaths are heartbreaking, and the babes in peril really are babes!  Today we look at 1996's "Polymorph," directed by J.R. Bookwalter.  

Dr. Clark (Pete Jacelone) is combing the woods for an alien craft that fell to Earth.  Uh oh...psycho-cocaine babe Tarper (Sasha Graham) will find it after she murders the good doctor and his security guy.  I should say, the oozing blob, glowing green, finds her and enters her body.  Now the coke-babe is the alien.  Along come the doctor's two interns, Ted (James L. Edwards) and Bill (Joseph A. Daw).  Even better, Bill brings his hot GF Alice (Jennifer Huss).  Even better, Alice brings Donna (Ariauna Albright), a redheaded babe who she intends to fix up with Ted. Lucky Ted.  The four get a long swimmingly and in search of Dr. Clark, come across Tarper's cabin.  She is now the alien and tries to kill them. Even worse, also arriving at the cabin are three drug thugs looking for their cocaine.  Carlos (Tom Hoover), his henchman Franco (Leo Anastasio), and GF Regine (Pam Zitelli).

A war takes place in the cabin.  Tarper, or the alien is seemingly shot to death.  Ted, Bill, Alice, and Donna escape into the woods.  The druggies pursue.  So does the alien, now out of Tarper's body.  Uh oh, the alien looks for a human host.  It enters the host, killing the host, and sets off to murder everyone else.  Donna and Ted get close.  Alice and Bill are already close.  Carlos and his gang are ruthless.  Gunfights and murder ensue...all the while, the glowing blob alien looks for a corpse.  It will have its choice.  Catfights to the death will occur.  Donna will put on a revealing, sexy black huntress outfit.  The two factions, or what is left of them, realize they will have to work together to defeat the alien.

Will the redheaded beauty Donna in her new revealing commando outfit engage in a catfight with the sultry blonde Alice?  Will the alien take advantage of these two babes and...well, never mind.  Will the two factions, now working together, be able to stay collaborative or will they again try to knock off one another?  The polymorph is vicious and once it takes over the human host, it gets nasty.  For a terrific 1990s straight to video scifi/horror epic, see "Polymorph" and try to guess if one of the babes will be a Final Girl. 

Tuesday, January 2, 2024

Conjuring the Genie, Be Careful What You Wish For

Fans of "Wishmaster" movies might find this one interesting.  No humor here and no irreverence, as in the "Wishmaster" films.  The central theme is identical...be careful what you wish for.  Today we look at 2021's "Conjuring the Genie," directed by Scott Jeffrey.  Hunks and babes will die horribly in this one at the hands of an evil and grotesque monster.  The characters won't be particularly likable but then again, they're college students...go figure.

Morgan (Megan Purvis) is a pretty coed...and she is sad.  Her dad died suddenly and as a result she is estranged from her mom (Nicola Wright) and flunking out.  Professor Frakes (Ryan Davies), who ends up being a naughty sort, gives Morgan one last chance to save her academic career...write a paper on an urban legend.  Morgan finds one...the Djinn!  The Djinn is a genie sort of thing...slimy and with big teeth.  He grants wishes to the one who conjures him...and to her four friends.  To do research on the Djinn, Morgan conjures it...never a good idea.  In a weird ceremony with candles, incantations, and joining of hands, the evil entity is now in the lives of Morgan and her four friends.

Easy...right?  Just don't wish for anything.  Not so easy.  The thing has mind control powers and is eager to grant wishes.  Yep...the wishes aren't worded as exact as they should be and the beautiful Diane (Mya Brown) who desires a supermodel's looks will be granted something a bit more macabre...you'll see.  Monsters, weird pregnancies, and self mutilation will all be part of the granted wishes.  But wait!  Morgan has a doozie!  You'll see.  The apparent success of her dream leads her to be hesitant to drive the Djinn away...much to the pain of her best buddies.  As the souls of her friends are damned to eternal torment, Morgan must make a painful decision in which whatever she decides...she loses.

Just what did Morgan wish for that seduces her to keep the Djinn around?  Are college kids really worth saving?  Even with her wish granted, will Morgan cheer up?  Dark, depressing, and ominous, this film may make you think about your own vulnerabilities and encourage you to move on through life.  For a dark and sordid tale of wishing and mutilation, see "Conjuring the Genie."