Friday, February 26, 2021

Knightmare, Five Year Reunion Massacre

Why not a knight in shining armor? Slasher films can get away with a lot as long as hunks and babes die in imaginative ways. This one will have so many hunks and babes and you, at home, can argue which is the sexiest. Those that love trashy will love Krista (Kimberly Magness). For those who like a literary aspect to their babe...Rebecca (Elizabeth Diaz). You gals...Matt (Ryan Shank) and his pecs will do. That's just the beginning...as the cheesecake and beefcake assemble five years after graduating high school, a knight in shining armor will join them with a twisted and bloody plan. Hence, 2014's "Knightmare" (directed by Anthony Palma).

After high school, Rebecca wrote a bestseller about her buddies. Her buddies didn't appreciate how they were portrayed. Hence the beautiful Rebecca and her new hunk, Matt, plan a reunion, as Rebecca wants to apologize. Matt seems to have taken his portrayal in stride. All the buddies are hunks and babes. Krista (Kimberly Magness) has always been lusting for Matt and Rebecca's proclivity for pre-marital sex with Matt makes her competitive. The reunion at an isolated cabin in the woods is filled with alcohol, pre-marital sex, drugs, and loud music...as well as stupid party games. Thankfully, the murders begin. Heather (Jessica Ritacco) will be the first to go as the knight will roll a car over her head.

Strangulation and a jagged bong glass will eliminate the stoners. Then the knight resorts to his sword and the death of the really hot Julie (Julie Ek) and her husband Rich (Tyler Christie) will be heartbreaking. Oh yeah, you won't believe what Julie says to the knight before being skewered...either did the knight. The uber hot Krista will have an opportunity at deathbed philosophy as her logic before...well, you'll see...will be priceless. Don't get too attached to anyone, a mistake I made with Amy (Kylee Campbell)...so sad.  As Sir Slashalot goes through hunks and babes like crap through a goose, Rebecca comes up with a hair-brained plan...but it is crazy enough to work.

Will Rebecca and her fellow survivors be able to turn the tables on our slashing knight? Did anyone else go to a high school where everyone was sultry or beefy? Since Krista is the sluttiest character, will her demise be the most memorable? The cheesecake and beefcake are optimal here, and the kills are wonderful. Sure, some pre-death one-liners will have you in hysterics, still this is a fine slasher film. For some gore, pre-marital sex, and alluring characters...see "Knightmare." 

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

Ravage, Nature Photographer vs. Inbred Torture Cult

Okay...inbred torture cult may be a little harsh...just a little.  Bruce Dern will expound on the proper terminology just before he is drugged and has his face blown off by the pretty nature photographer. Happens.  Still...on the basest level, our damsel is put in much distress by these torture fiends. Oh! Our damsel? Hardly a damsel. She is pretty versed on homicide and torture herself. Confused? Let us take a look at 2019's "Ravage," directed by Teddy Grennan.

Pretty Harper (Annabelle Dexter-Jones) is shooting pictures in the woods of rural Virginia. Uh oh...she sees something she isn't supposed to, of the torture/homicide variety. Now the family that owns the land (billions and billions of acres) is after her. With the help form their kinfolk in the sheriff's department...they catch her. They'll sexually molest her and string her up for torture.  Harper is a bit of a survivalist and she isn't happy. She'll free herself and run away. Not to escape...but to regroup and hunt her tormentors. Ravener (Robert Longstreet) is the patriarch of this torture family and he sends his kids out to retrieve the blonde babe that invaded his land.

Too bad for the torture kids...she finds them first. Decapitation and other booby traps will annihilate the inbreeds. She doesn't get them all. She'll meet Bruce Dern, also part of the family. He'll wish she never stepped foot in his house. Harper goes through the inbreeds like crap through a goose, but Ravener is one step ahead. Yep...you guessed it. There will be a final confrontation between Ravener and the pretty Harper. What happens then? You won't believe it. The ending will make you squirm and maybe yell at the silver screen. Disgusting and revolting are two words that come to mind. Total amazement will envelope you as the end credits roll.

Just who will prevail in the final confrontation...Harper or Ravener?  What surprises does Ravener have waiting after Harper after she takes apart his children? Is this film a thinly veiled metaphor for the ruination of Virginia that has occurred over the past 20 years?  You will not have seen an ending like this one, and you may not like it. Still, catch "Ravage," it is something a bit different and grotesque.

Monday, February 22, 2021

The Nude Vampire, Psychedelic Erotica

Psychedelic Erotica? A term inserted to make me look brilliant. Think Deviant Euro-Trash! Think nubile women nude and subject to torment and torture. Think mad scientists experimenting on these women. Euro-Babes in much peril from mad scientists. We do have to talk about the twins, Catherine and Marie-Pierre Castel. This duo plays servants clad in weird metallic uniforms, or nothing, or a string of plastic circles that jangle when they move. Hey, its a Jean Rollin film, 1970's "The Nude Vampire."

The plot won't help you, but let us try. A weird cult is based in a weird laboratory. The members wear animal masks and commit suicide. The cult is run by Georges Radamante (Maurice Lemaitre). His son, the hunk Pierre (Olivier Rollin), is curious and spies on them. One day a Euro-Babe (Caroline Cartier) gets loose wearing nothing but a see through negligee. He tries to help her but the cult members shoot her dead...or so Pierre thinks. Pierre questions his dad but gets no answers. Meanwhile, the two topless servants (the Castel twins) keep bringing him drinks. These two do the same for Georges...and also satisfy him sexually. Oh yes, the Euro-Babe is far from dead.

See, every meeting, a cult member commits suicide and the Euro-Babe is brought in to drink the corpse's blood. The cult believes she is a vampire. One night Pierre sneaks into one of the cult's ritual and sees the not dead Euro-Babe. He's in love with her and she seems favorably inclined to him. He'll try to help her escape...but he won't be successful. Now his dad levels with him and we find out the Euro-Babe may be a vampire. Georges wants to study her and learn the secret of immortality. Pierre wants...well, wants her. The twins are not who they appear...but always kinky and alluring...if not strange. Uh oh...someone or something else is coming for the vampire Euro-Babe and Georges is terrified of them.

Get it?  I thought not. Still, those two twins who sometimes wear only jangly circles are worth the price of admission. Will Pierre end up with the Euro-Babe/maybe vampire? How about the twins...are they even human? What exactly does Georges, his cult, and his laboratory figure on doing with the vampire research they are accumulating? Don't dismiss this film as Jean Rollin has prioritized the eroticism...and he does it well. Weird but alluring, "The Nude Vampire" is a French film you will want to see.

To see this film free on YouTube, check out Ed Bell's YouTube channel FORGOTTEN HORRORS and click on this link: THE NUDE VAMPIRE 

Saturday, February 20, 2021

Werewolf Woman, That Time of Month Again

In a thinly veiled metaphor for PMS, we have a neat werewolf film from Italy. Yep, a full moon comes once a month and so does...well, changing into a wolf-woman. However beautiful and effervescent a dame might appear, that time of month arrives and everything changes. She changes...into a...wolf-woman. Hence we take a look at 1976's "Werewolf Woman," directed by Rino Di Silvestro. Incidentally, to view this film free on DARK MATTER TV click on this link WEREWOLF WOMAN .

Daniela (Annik Borel) has some mental problems...she's a nutcase, in fact. She believes she becomes a werewolf during the full moon. Does she? An ancestor was a werewolf woman and Daniela believes herself to be the reincarnation of that same ancestor. The nubile babe also was viciously raped as a child and now has a phobia of sex. When her beautiful sister, Elena (Dagmar Lassander) brings her American husband, Fabian (Osvaldo Ruggieri), home, Daniela is all hot for him. After being raped by a lizard, Daniela watches Elena and Fabian having passionate sex. She then lures Fabian outside, attacks him, and bites his throat out. Now Daniela is sent to an asylum for the criminally insane.

Daniela escapes after biting the throat out of a nymphomaniac babe-patient who tried to rape her. The lunatic beauty, believing she is wolf-like, then attacks a nubile farm babe just after she had passionate sex in the hay. She'll attack and murder more men who try to take advantage of her before meeting the love of her life...a stuntman (Howard Ross). The two will frolic and have pre-marital sex. Werewolf women rarely find happiness and her life is about to get even more violent and homicidal. Now the police are following the trail of ripped apart bodies and getting closer to our she-wolf.

What was that earlier comment above about being raped by a lizard? Is Daniela a warning to us men to really get to know a woman before jumping in the sack with them? Are PMS and lycanthropy one in the same? A sexually charged werewolf story from Italy...yes! Euro-babes will die horribly, and so will some Euro-hunks. For a steamy and graphic good time in which your prurient interests will be aroused, see "Werewolf Woman."  

Thursday, February 18, 2021

The Galaxy Invader, Rubber Suited Alien in Maryland

Don Dohler, our favorite Maryland filmmaker, is no longer with us. Fortunately his films endure. Mr. Dohler's style of filmmaking seems to be getting his pals together, going out and having a good time, and shooting science fiction stuff. Forget CGI when watching one of these movies, though drinking scenes at local watering holes are a staple. With plenty of cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon as props, we look at 1985's "The Galaxy Invader."

An alien ship crash lands in Maryland. David (Greg Dohler) sees it and summons his old mentor, Professor Tracy (Richard Dyszel). In the mean time, the brute Joe (Richard Ruxton) finds out about it and summons the town crime lord, Frank (Don Leifert). Frank and Joe put a posse together and seek to capture and exploit the alien for money. Meanwhile a drunk Joe belts his family silly. The posse goes out one night and engage the alien in a shootout, losing a couple of men. Frank and Joe capture it and shove it in Joe's basement. The thing appears friendly and David and Tracy sneak in and free it. Joe will murder Tracy as they all flee.

Now Joe and Frank desire to get it back and Joe's family tries to save the alien from further bondage. Joe drinks more Pabst, abuses his wife and kids, and tries to rape Frank's dame, Vickie (Theresa Harold). Meanwhile the alien is on the run but when his helpers are endangered by the drunk Joe, it backtracks to help them out. More shootouts and heartbreak as the alien reveals itself to be a friend to the beset earthlings.

Cheesy and perhaps a level below a B movie, this film is a lot of fun. Will the alien survive Joe's wrath or suffer a similar fate as King Kong at the hand of human exploiters? Is the carnage and tragedy captured in this science fiction tale a metaphor for the demise of Maryland over the past 40 years? B movie fans will love "The Galaxy Invader," and its rubber suited alien (Glenn Barnes). For a great creature feature viewing experience, especially if you are from Maryland, see "The Galaxy Invader."

To see this film free on Dark Matter TV, click this link: THE GALAXY INVADER      

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

Interview of Daniel Salmi, Moviemaker of "Elora"

An epic featuring Viking women and perhaps some warfare and a monster or two. Yes! It is coming. Film maker Daniel Salmi, from Sweden, is behind this epic. Today I interview the Swedish moviemaker regarding this project, the film "Elora." 

CJZ: Sweden in the time of Vikings! Men were men and swords were rampant. Women? Can you tell us about the women protagonists in your upcoming film, "Elora"?

Mr. Salmi: Sweden in the Viking age was manly dominant, but there are several grave mounds found all over Scandinavia with females who seemingly had remarkably high stature. They were buried like men, with swords and other articles of war.  Women had a high position in the society and women were often the head of the farm. You could see this as they were sort of like gatekeepers with a key tied to their belt. This was a token of that high stature. Some were also shield maidens and a big part of war. 

CJZ: The Casting so far looks wonderful. I noticed two lovely actresses (Emelie Dahlskog and Natasha Trager) have signed on. They look like they could be cheerleaders. In fact, I'm guessing they will be tough and alluring...can you talk about these two actresses and what they'll be asked to do?


Mr. Salmi:  We cast Emelie (pictured above) in summer of 2020 and Natasha in the fall of 2020. Both of their characters have an arc.  Maybe Emelie's is greater.  Natasha has the main part as Elora, which the story is about.  She is a young girl, early 20s, and is in the beginning of the story pretty much an ordinary girl with knowledge about the near vicinity of her village.  This changes when her little brother is taken.  But this story becomes larger than just the taking of her brother.  Natasha is a bubbly young woman with a lot of energy, and something I find interesting with her is her background in ballet and stage acting.

Emelie's character, Sigun is important for the story.  She brings people together and she suffers a lot when we first see her.  She has a great arc and maybe  she gets redemption in the end.  Emelie  is a genuine badass.  We had to shoot her scenes for the pilot in September because she needed to attend her film school in the UK.  We filmed in a 500 year-old wild wood and she had to do some running and jump over a fallen tree.  She tripped and wend down in a pile of rocks and branches.  When we checked if she was okay, she just stood up and brushed dirt off her and walked up to reset the scene.  She also got very wet and cold when we filmed at the marsh.  She never complained.  Emelie is experienced and her latest project  "The Redneg" (2021) received four awards at the Las Vegas Film Festival.  She was also  in the Swedish movie "Borg vs. McEnroe" (2017) with Shia Labouf (McEnroe), a small part but still...

CJZ: The effects have already begun, as has concept art.  You have very definite ideas about the plot of "Elora" and what you would like to get across.  When was "Elora" first born in your mind as an idea for an epic?

Mr. Salmi: I have had the seed of the idea in my head for several years, but it first got on paper in a synopsis in the fall of 2018.  I had an accident later and got an infection.  The had to take my right foot in March of 2019.  I also got an infection after surgery, so it took a lot longer than it was suppose to.  With the pandemic they shut down my rehab.  I had a lot of time at home to write.  The script has had plenty of rewrites, but as of September last year we feel content that this is the script we are going to shoot in the long run.  Later, producers Lotta Forsberg and Elin Gustafsson came aboard.  They are invested in this as I am.  They will also be portraying characters in the film.  They have both been seen in various productions in both Sweden film and TV.  Elin is also a stuntwoman. 

CJZ:  A fantasy film from the time of the Vikings! This is just too good to be true! Will we see violence, romance, and intrigue?  The fantasy tag also conjures up imagery of magic and myth...how about monsters and sorcery?

Mr. Salmi:  Probably most of those things.  Maybe not very much romance.  This movie will be gritty, bloody, violent and we want to depict the Viking age as close as we possibly can.  This story has fantasy elements.  A sorcerer and a witch you absolutely can tick a box off...maybe also a huge troll.  The presence of evil will be prominent.  

CJZ:  I've seen the costumes, props, and green screen preparation for "Elora." This film already looks genuine and big-budget.  Your production people seem to have gotten a big head start.  Is your production team, and you, students of Sweden's history and lore?

Mr. Salmi:  Big budget is a no, haha.  I am probably the props and costume department myself right now.  Everything you see is made by me for the most part.  Some stuff is bought.  Emelie's dress for example.  And some armor you will see later.  I have mostly paid for this stuff out of my own pocket.  We find a lot in flea markets we can "Viking-up," and some is sewn by me.  When our concept artist, Alexandra Walsh ( @walshtheartist ) came aboard, lots of things got easier.  We have something to go on.  We have people around us with knowledge of Viking history we can ask things through.  But we are all interested in Sweden's lore and history.


CJZ:  As the COVID restrictions begin to wane and vaccines are poised to hit the mass populations, are you optimistic for a 2022 release?

Mr. Salmi:  COVID has pushed us back several times for the pilot/trailer shoot.  We are aiming for early this spring, but we feel that we cannot count on the fact that we can shoot.  Hopefully though.  The feature was aimed for a 2023 release, but that has gotten looser and looser.  We are still early in pre-production most things are a question of money, which we do not have a pile of and no big production company behind us.  But this film will be made.  If anything, I'm bullheaded, haha.

CJZ:  The plot and scenery from "Elora" seems perfect for for board games or merchandising.  In your crowdfunding effort, will there be "Elora" merchandise available to potential donors?

Mr. Salmi:  I have thought a lot about that.  It sure could be fun with board games and such, but it is a great cost to produce.  Some merch will definitely see the light of day, but 'when' is the question.  We thought about having prints of Alexandra's artwork.  This is one of the things we discuss right now.  Also, a map print of the fantasy country our characters live in.  Tee shirts and hats may also come up in the longer run.

CJZ:  Will the filming be in Stockholm or 'on location'?  Will Swedish winters assist in the filming or are you waiting for the spring and summer months?

Mr. Salmi:  The pilot will probably be shot entirely in the Stockholm area, but the feature will be mostly filmed in my hometown about two hours north.  We have a wonderful nature here you don't really get in the big city and it is easier here.  The answer is 'on location.'  I am old school and want to do as much as I can in the camera.  We have a rebuilt Viking town/farm here.  It is built on the site of a Viking farm from the 10th century.  This place will portray Elora's home.

CJZ: As far as social media and crowdfunding, where can people learn more, and become part of the production of "Elora"?

Mr. Salmi: We have a website  https://www.elorathemovie.com/ , it is only in Swedish right now but we are working on translation.

The most important though is our GoFundMe page at Elora, Go Fund Me 

We are of course on Twitter too and try to update as much as we can ( @elorathemovie )

My email is elorathemovie@gmail.com for business purposes.

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Gargoyles, Reptile Demons Seek Sultry Dame

Our film today first appeared in 1972 on the New CBS Tuesday Night Movies. I know...not the moniker for 'shocking horror.' Okay, but get this...the first film to feature Stan Winston's creature f/x. "Gargoyles" may have been a made for TV movie, but it is far better than anything DC or Marvel have offered us. Throw in a sultry damsel, who wears bikini tops nicely, and hints at the future "Alien" franchise. Directed by Bill Norton, "Gargoyles" also features Bernie Casey as the king gargoyle.

The perky, bikini top-clad Diana (Jennifer Salt) meets her dad, Mercer (Cornel Wilde), at the Texas-Mexican border. Mercer is a professor in ancient demons and Diana also digs demons. This will change...and soon. They drive to see Uncle Willie's (Woody Chambliss) desert museum. Woody shows them a skeleton of a gargoyle. Initially skeptical, Diana and Mercer will become believers when a swarm of gargoyles swoop down and kill Woody. Mercer and Diana get away with the skull and are chased by the gargoyle horde. Now holed up in a cheap motel, the gargoyles raid their room and take the skull back. Not all is lost, a junior gargoyle is killed during the getaway and Mercer takes the corpse...bad move.

Now a biker gang headed by James (Scott Glenn) is blamed for Woody's murder. Diana will try to convince the cops of their innocence. Before she can do that she is abducted by the king gargoyle and brought back to their lair. Now the cops, James, and Mercer form a posse to find Diana. Uh oh...the alpha-gargoyle likes Diana and her bikini tops.  Imagine this, the wife-gargoyle is getting jealous. Uh oh again...thousands of gargoyle eggs are ready to hatch. As alpha-gargoyle courts the nubile and perky Diana, the humans approach and war is in the air.

Just what does the alpha-gargoyle plan to do with Diana? Okay, dumb question. Will wife gargoyle and Diana enter into a cross-species cat-fight? What will happen to the human race if all the gargoyle eggs hatch? This is a good one. It was so nice to see a made-for-TV film not about so-called racism or supposed environmental woes. Maybe if the major networks actually think about what the masses in their audiences actually want, we can have more films like "Gargoyles."

Sunday, February 14, 2021

Reigo: King of the Sea Monsters, The Imperial Navy Rises...then Sinks

The victors write the history. As an example...have you ever heard Japanese logic for bombing Pearl Harbor? President Roosevelt never told us in one of his over-rated fireside chats. How about this rationale that is never taught...The U.S. in its continuing effort to dominate the world economy moves the largest naval fleet in the history of man to striking distance of all of Japan's economic trade routes. Hawaii wasn't even a state. After continued pleas by Japan to stay away and concentrate on the Americas and Europe, FDR militarized the south Pacific. Whether that is credible or not...this rationale is again being talked about in Asia. As the U.S. has lost any claim to moral superiority over the decades...the Japanese are beginning to make movies like 2019's "Reigo: King of the Sea Monsters," which was released in 2005 as "Reigo: The Deep Sea Monster vs. the Battleship Yamato." This one isn't in English.

War in the Pacific has begun against the American aggressors. The great Japanese battleship Yamato is ready to head south. Uh oh...before they can engage the American navy, they must first deal with a bunch of bony sea creatures that fly onto the decks of warships and rip up sailors. Even worse, these flying sea creatures are followed by a behemoth dragon creature that is almost as big as the Yamato. The Yamato engages and kills the baby Reigo...leaving a ticked off mother Reigo. Now mama Reigo starts shredding warships on its way to the Yamato. Depth charges are ineffective and the battleship's guns can't shoot low enough to hit the sea creatures.

As destroyers are...well, destroyed by the Reigo...the Yamato looks helpless. Enter a meek Lieutenant, Takashi. Oh yes...also enter the lone survivor of an American warship destroyed by Reigo. The U.S. sailor tells the Japanese what they are up against. The battleship's convoy dwindles each night as the monsters attack. Young Takashi has an idea. It's crazy and no one has confidence in it. Still...no one has a better idea. Thus the Yamato's captain tells Takashi to institute his plan. With all the destroyers sunk, Reigo has a clean path to the Yamato.

What is Takashi's plan and what are it's chances of success against Reigo? What would Franklin Delano Roosevelt's reaction had been if the Japanese moved a massive naval fleet into Cuba? While the Japanese were destroying monsters...what was the U.S. war effort up to? This is an interesting one and if you are into Japanese nationalism...you will enjoy "Reigo: King of the Sea Monsters." 

Friday, February 12, 2021

Far from the Apple Tree, Even if You're Rolling Downhill

No one understands! You are a relationship oriented gal in a world of goal driven and materialistic blokes. Perhaps even your conscious mind isn't attuned yet to your artistic side. You're seen as a diminutive wallflower...and fear that characterization is accurate. No one will give you a chance, except...well, you'll see. Today we look at a film by Grant McPhee, 2019's "Far from the Apple Tree." 

Our vulnerable heroine, the nubile Judith (Sorcha Groundsell) is the aforementioned dame. Rejected from art school and avoiding her mother, she attends an art show of the occult artist, Roberta (Victoria Liddelle). Our art school reject is transfixed on one photograph in particular and Roberta picks up on this. The next day, Roberta summons Judith. Judith is shocked. She isn't used to anyone paying attention to her. Roberta is bold but accurate and in tearing down Judith...attracts her. Then the occult artist makes Judith an offer she can't refuse. The underconfident Judith accepts. Now Judith will move into Roberta's old mansion estate and archive the artist's work. Why Judith? You'll see. 

Judith is transfixed by the mansion and the artwork. Oops...she's especially transfixed with films and photos of Maddy, Roberta's daughter. Maddy? Maddy and her mom are estranged...or that is what we're initially told. We know better. Hints of Satanism, witchcraft, and some mind altering drugs aren't too subtle. Now Maddy may be on her way back. Roberta's interest in Judith is not as an archiver, but something more ambitious. But wait! Is Judith headed to victimhood...or is she headed down a path in which all her dreams or wishes are fulfilled. Roberta may seem in control, but her past heartaches and failures are also fair game as Maddy's return becomes imminent.

Who is more at risk of losing their personhood and control of their desired destiny, Roberta or Judith? Just what witchcraft and Satanist elements are at work in this old mansion? Exactly what is an occult artist...and are these good peeps to give our lives some needed re-direction? This is an Ira Levin type story with colorful and passionate characters. Judith's hurt and despair ooze to the surface and eventually, so does Roberta's. For some neat neo-Gothic horror, see "Far from the Apple Tree."    

Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Bog, Swamp Creature vs. the AARP

There is a lot of similarities between today's feature and Roger Corman's "Humanoids from the Deep." A swamp creature living in the slime at the bottom of the bog needs human females to reproduce. An alluring and erotic plot...unless you throw in grandma and grandpa. If you liked watching your grandparents swap spit and fondle each other, then this film will get your juices flowing. Today we take a look at 1979's "Bog," directed by Don Keeslar.

Two middle-aged couples go to the lake for camping and fishing. A swamp monster, probably looking for nubile teens, has to settle for these two women (Carol Terry and Lou Hunt) and rips them apart. Their husbands make it back to town, now widowers, and inform the geriatric Sheriff Rydholm (Aldo Ray) to do something. He gets two elderly doctors involved, Dr Ginny Glenn (Gloria DeHaven) and Dr. Brad Wednesday (Marshall Thompson). These two doctors will fall in love and swap a lot of spit. Because of their age, Brad will need a nap later and this will put Ginny in great peril. More killings by the swamp. A few of Rydholm's deputies will be shredded.

Two nubile babes will try to picnic at the swamp and one will be beset by the creature. Two divers, sent over from AARP will don SCUBA equipment and look for the thing. The thing will find them and tear this duo apart. The elderly Dr. John Warren will come to town to help out Wednesday and Ginny. He'll also need a nap. Now Ginny is in the cross-hairs of the swamp monster. As Wednesday naps, the monster makes its move. Now John and Wednesday must wake up and find Ginny before the monster impregnates her.

Did this creature lose a bet to his fellow swamp creatures and draw the a retirement community as his feeding ground? Whatever the creature had planned for Ginny, would it have been more satisfying than swapping spit with Dr. Wednesday (remember, this was filmed in pre-Viagra days)? Would the censors of 1979 have allowed bikini or skinny-dipping scenes in this film? An elderly swamp monster film is always better than a Meryl Streep film. For some slimy and icky thrills, see "Bog."



Monday, February 8, 2021

The Day of the Living Dead, Zombie Pandemic Film Noir Style

What would we have if George Romero directed "Double Indemnity"? Better yet, how about if Billy Wilder directed "Night of the Living Dead"? Would Marilyn Monroe have been cast in either? No worries, we have her in this one (courtesy of Sarah French)…you'll see.  Movies about insurance claims don't usually stimulate us except in the film noir setting. Throw in some femme fatales, sultry dames, a square jawed adjuster, and menacing heavies...oh yes...zombies...and we have 2020's "The Day of the Living Dead," directed by Thomas J. Churchill.

In 1957 we didn't know cigarettes could kill. In 2020 the death toll is in the hundreds of millions. Present day, zombie hordes are attacking and a guilt ridden dying man beckons his confessor to harp back to 1957. 50 years ago, Hollywood was pristine on the surface, but the seeds of sin and exploitation were sown. George (Ray Capuana) is hired by the sultry Ms. Daniels (Brooke Lewis Bellas). She oozes seduction and George can't say no. He'll be charged to investigate a Satanic tobacco company, Deadly Sins...run by the devil (Churchill). He'll go missing leaving his nubile fiancé, Bethany (Natalie Victoria) to look for him. Uh oh, before going missing, George was onto something. 13 mysterious claims of employees beset by a mysterious (think zombie virus) illness. Was this an industrial accident...or were these 13 unfortunates a sacrifice to summon the apocalypse?

George tracks down these 13 and is usually too late. They have either turned and eaten their loved ones...or have been involved in a gory accident. He's hot onto something, but the devilish owner of Deadly Sins Tobacco is in full control. We'll plunge into zombie gore as if we're in a Romero zombie flick...we'll be treated to quick-witted film noir dialogue as only Billy Wilder cold give us...and the eeriness and surrealism of a David Lynch offering. Veronica Lake fans (which I am one) will enjoy Marisa Parks and her gown as the lounge singer. Back to the plot...George is getting too close and the Deadly Sins evil seems ready to engulf him.

Will George figure out that his investigation is really into Satan's attempt to unleash a bloody apocalypse? Is the fate of Marilyn Monroe going to be a vicious parallel to what happens to George and modern day Hollywood? Is the zombie apocalypse a fitting metaphor for the cigarette deaths, ill-planned wars, and societal degradation that have occurred since 1957? Still...smile and be happy. Mr. Churchill gives us a radiant Brooke Lewis Bellas, more sultry dames, homages to Hitchcock and film noir classics, and a vehicle to look into our mirrors and correct the paths we have taken that could lead to ruination. Enjoy "The Day of the Living Dead," and realize...good times are ours to seize.

To see this film on Amazon Prime, click this link THE DAY OF THE LIVING DEAD 

Saturday, February 6, 2021

Killdozer, Hunks Battle Heavy Machinery

Nothing says shocking horror like "ABC's made-for-TV movie!" I'm being sarcastic, of course. Audiences agreed and didn't watch the 1974 network offering. The odd people who did watch this were not impressed. Still, 1974's "Killdozer" is a fun film that hit the TV long before Stephen King wrote "Trucks." Divorced men will love this film...a lot like "John Carpenter's The Thing," no females appear. No skinny-dipping...no gratuitous shower scenes...no pre-marital sex...see, 'cancel culture' was alive and well during the Nixon Administration. To see "Killdozer" free on Dark Matter TV click on this link WATCH KILLDOZER .

A meteor crashes into an island off the African coast. The glowing blue thing falls onto this deserted island occupied only by a six-man construction crew. The job foreman, Kelly (Clint Walker) tries to move the meteor with the K9 bulldozer. Mistake. The meteor shoots a burst of energy into Mac (Robert Urich), killing him. Now, unbeknownst to Kelly and the rest of the crew, the meteor's alien presence moves into the K9, possessing it. Kelly loses control of the K9 after Mac falls and he cuts the gas line. This won't work.

Kelly doesn't have the respect of his crew. He is an alcoholic who still sees pink elephants. Knowing this, Kelly doesn't tell anyone there is a bulldozer running amok. The K9 re-animates and begins attacking the remaining crew. It destroys their campsite and radio. Chub (Neville Brand) and the cynical Dennis (Carl Betz) are sympathetic to Kelly. Dutch (James Wainwright) isn't a fan of Kelly but he is half insane, anyway. The big machine chases down more crew members and now the beset crew is on the run. The island is small and the K9 can build roads wherever it decides to go. Now the survivors have to come up with a plan to survive and kill the alien machine. Oh yes...no cell signal (it is 1974!), and dynamite won't work.

Square-jawed hunks who have no humor...this worked in 1974 Made-For-TV movies...or the original "Hawaii 5-0." Still, it is refreshing to watch. Just what does this alien presence want on this deserted island? Will anyone on the crew try to communicate with the alien? Of course not! These are real men! For a manly good time without any care for a woman's feelings or desire for empowerment...see "Killdozer," directed by Jerry London.  

Thursday, February 4, 2021

Robo Vampire 3: Counter Destroy, Hopping Vampires Return

Maybe a bit far-fetched...but no more far-fetched the the DC and Marvel garbage that is thrown at us. A baby hopping vampire explodes out of the stomach of an American babe...then fights the evil hopping vampires by using Kung Fu and urinating on them as it flies over them. Sort of a metaphor for all of our lives, I know. From Hong Kong and Thailand we have what looks like two different films combined to bring us 1989's "Robo Vampire: Counter Destroy." This one was directed by Godfrey Oh and stays very loyal to the best selling novel. 

Lawrence is making a film about the last emperor of China. The sultry Joyce is hired to write a script. She and the lovely Cindy (don't get too attached to her, she'll be killed several times, most notably by a Freddy Krueger-type vampire) are sent to a spooky house to have the script written in a week. The house is haunted and ghosts of vampires materialize and possess. Okay, Jackson is a rival moviemaker and will kill to stop Lawrence from making this epic. Lawrence hires private-eye Jackie...a real Asian babe. As Jackson's men try to kill Lawrence, Jackie tracks down Jackson's men and kills them with either a machinegun, crossbow, knife, or exploding flowers.

Back at the haunted house. Joyce tries to write the script but keeps getting possessed by some demon vampire. She'll turn into one and feast on Cindy. Oh yes, a Taoist monk is supposed to watch over the place and he has some pet hopping vampires who want to feast on Joyce. Back i the city, Jackie goes undercover to get close to Jackson and she even befriends two useless cops. Did I mention the ninja-in-white who kills hopping vampire? He's in this though his purpose is kept unclear (much like our own purposes on this mortal coil we call life). There will be hopping and some nice machinegun fights...and some slashing and irrelevant ninja action...and moviemaking carnage and fortune telling birds. Got it?

A classic plot, indeed. Will Jackie get to kill Cindy, too? Will Joyce finish the script for this film no one wants to see? Is the choppy plot a metaphor for the tense political and social relationships between Hong Kong and Thailand? This one is so much fun and a lot better than all that 'Star Wars' foolishness we have been programmed to like. For a frolicking good time, see "Robo Vampire 3: Counter Destroy."

Tuesday, February 2, 2021

2010: Moby Dick, Syfy Does the Melville Classic

"He took my leg. I don't intend to give him my a**," Captain Ahab from Moby Dick. At least, from the original draft. Herman Melville was so incensed at the publisher of his magnum opus in 1851 that he spit at his blacksmith,  The publisher found it necessary to remove large chunks of Melville's story. For example: When Melville could not tell his publisher what the word 'nuclear,' or 'submarine' meant...the publisher struck them. When Melville refused to explain the term "bikini clad marine biologist" to his publisher, the publisher removed the character. Thus the 1851 near-classic has some sizable holes in the plot and theme development, Thanks to our buddies at Asylum and this made for Syfy film, we can finally fill in those holes. Today we look at "2010: Moby Dick," directed by Trey Stokes. 

In 1969 Moby Dick, a 500 foot white whale, bit a nuclear submarine in half. Ahab was serving on that ill-fated vessel and had to watch the whale bite his leg off. Present day, Captain Ahab (Barry Bostwick) commands the nuclear submarine USS Pequod. Moby Dick is sinking ships and Ahab is determined to find the timeless monster and kill it. Moby Dick will even sink a cruise ship called the Rachel. On the way to find the whale, Ahab and his crew commandeer a beautiful marine biologist, Michelle (Renee O'Connor from Xena: Warrior Princess). She wears a bikini nicely and is of little help to the plot in this epic. Still...she's a real dish. 

The Pequod finds the white whale and the two play a deadly cat and mouse game. The monster will take out an Osprey, another submarine, a cruise ship, and a whale watching boat. The Pequod will nuke a squid. Now it turns out that Ahab's mission is unauthorized and the entire U.S. Navy is ordered to blow him out of the water. This begs the question, when was the last time our navy blew anyone out of the water? Oh yeah, a few Somali pirates in a row boat...now I remember. Moby Dick seems bent on ripping off Ahab's other leg and will even fly and crawl on land to do so. As seamen and submariners are killed by this behemoth's wrath, Ahab's lust for revenge will be just as deadly.

Would a bikini clad babe in place of Ishmael have sold a few more copies of Herman Melville's Moby Dick? Was Renee O'Connor's portrayal of Xena's sidekick a sure stepping stone to the role of Michelle the bikini clad marine biologist? Would Xena have been more effective against the monster whale than Barry Bostwick? This is a goody and very faithful to Melville's original vision. For a great literary and cinematic experience, see Syfy's "2010: Moby Dick."