Friday, October 25, 2019

Petrified, Nymphomaniacs Felled by Mummy

This is what we got! A inpatient home/clinic for nymphomaniac babes. Nymphomaniac babes making out with each other and having lesbian sex. An evil extra-terrestrial mummy brought back to life. The alien-mummy hunting down hot nymphomaniacs. With a lot of gratuitous nymphomaniac-lesbian pre-marital sex, and a mummy shredding them in the act, we have 2006's Full Moon Features, "Petrified," directed by Charles Band.
Okay, brought back to life with human blood, the aforementioned alien mummy kills a couple of art thieves. See, this alien can shoot red rays out of its eyes which petrify (turn to stone) people. Now a surviving criminal, Buzz (Roark Critchlow) is on the run...and the mummy is following. This is bad news for two hot nymphomaniacs who are having sex in the moonlight. Jess and Lilly (Shirley Brener and Pamela Morency) will be turned to stone and shredded, respectively. So sad...the beautiful always die so horribly...usually naked. Now Buzz runs into the aforementioned nympho-clinic to be met by babe Helen (Jessica Lancaster). Helen is there to "rescue" her sister Suze (Kimberly Dawn Guerrero), but as Buzz inquires, who would want to be cured of nymphomania? Good question.
The mummy enters the clinic too and finds Cory (Dana Lastrilla) and Marta (Kathryn Adams) having pre-marital sex. The hotties luckily escape. Mad-scientist/nymphomaniac doctor, Dr. Von Gelder (Ozman Sirgood), meets Buzz and establishes a safe-zone in his basement lab. The wounded Cory and Suze will join him, while Buzz and Helen (falling in love) search for the mummy...who searches for them. Uh oh...Cory is more than a hot babe...she's a hot Asian babe...and patient zero...but patient zero for what? You'll see. As the ET mummy shreds more nymphomaniacs, and as Buzz and Helen fall in love, Buzz reveals a startling secret to his new love interest. Oh yeah, the mummy seeks the severed hand of its spaceship captain (don't ask), and the hand goes after Cory.
This is a serious study into the human psyche and what gets our passions juiced up. The cheesecake is top notch and you gals will love Buzz...and his secret. Will the nymphomaniac community prove to be the savior of the world? Yeah, I think we all would answer that the same way. Will the ET mummy learn to have gratuitous love with the babes instead of war with them? Does the ancient revived mummy explain what felled the ancient Egyptian you thought it was Moses? This is such a satisfying movie and unfortunately so many babes will die horribly. For some gratuitous and prurient entertainment, see "Petrified."