Wednesday, March 22, 2023

Burial Ground Massacre, Babes and Hunks Felled by Tomahawk

I know...this one will be hard to defend.  Today's feature will be savaged and scalped by the dweeb class who actually watch the films highlighted at the Oscars.  Still...if you want naked nubile babes in much peril, a tomahawk killer, hunks doing stupid things...and the supernatural...well, you may want to take a look at 2021's "Burial Ground Massacre," directed by Daniel Dahlstrom and David Gere. However proud our native peoples were, or are, they are not above gratuitous nudity, especially in shower and bath scenes.  So postpone your trip to the casino and enjoy this film.

Adrianna (Chelsea Vale), a major league babe and a half...will spend the weekend with college friends at her friend Chase's (Blaise Serra) estate.  The estate owned by Chase's family is built on an Indian burial ground. We also meet Damon (Michael Madsen), a psycho Indian with a tomahawk. He has just murdered some poor but deserving schmuck and two naked teens in the throes of pre-marital sex.  He also has naked babes chained in bondage in his dungeon, but we shouldn't be judgmental.  Damon heads to the estate to recover a stolen Indian artifact.  Also at the estate are two babes who have "WILL DIE HORRIBLY IN THIS MOVIE" stenciled on their foreheads...Kayla (Brittany Toczko) and Becky (Kara Curnane Joseph).  Oh yes, Adrianna's hunk ex-BF is also there, football player Eddie (Travis Gordon)...he's very buff and shirtless a lot.

Chase is a dweeb and a magician.  He'll get to see Becky naked in the bathtub but Eddie will get to see Adrianna naked and wet in the shower.  Is this fair?  Is it fair what the white man did to the Indians!? I'm not sure the answers to these questions...or if they're even related.  Damon shows up with his tomahawk and begins murdering the teens on the way to recover the ring-artifact...which mysteriously appears on Adrianna's finger.  Uh oh...seems the red man isn't any purer than the white man.  Damon is betrayed by his Chief.  Nakedness, baths, showers, babes in bondage, and tomahawk carnage ensue.  Get it? No? Hey, the cheese and beef factor will take care of any confusion.  Did I mention the gratuitous shower and bath scenes?

Will Damon recover the ring stolen from his people many moons ago?  Just who are these naked and sweaty babes chained in Damon's dungeon? Who among us does not have naked and sweaty babes in our own dungeons?  Will Adrianna survive Damon or do his people have special plans for her?  Gratuitous and cheesy...just the way we like our movies... "Burial Ground Massacre" is a neat slasher film that will not stoke your appetite for social justice.           

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