Monday, June 13, 2022

Van Helsing, Vampires and Cenobites Hunt Babes

I guess they are some kind of mix between cenobites and vampires.  Either way...evil things.  Okay, this is not the Hugh Jackman/Kate Beckinsale film of the same name, which is good news.  The 2004 "Van Helsing" was pretty bad except for the fact that Kate Beckinsale's portrayal of Anna Valerious was stunning!  Today we look at 2022's Jagged Edge Productions "Van Helsing" (aka "Wrath of Van Helsing") directed by Soner Metin.  English babes in much peril from creatures of the undead...and the anti-hero that may end up loving them...Bran Stoker would be proud (okay, maybe not).

You have to love Ellie (Antonia Willhans).  Clad in a short leather skirt and fishnets, she meets three of her babe friends for a hike.  The semi-Goth babes are just as inappropriately clad. Briony (Elspeth Foster) wears latex hooker boots...hey, why not?  The two blondes are Alex (Beatrice Fletcher) and Shauna (Abi Casson Thompson).  Oh yes, Van Helsing (Michael Hoad)!  He makes a bargain with the devil to be immortal in order to hunt the monsters that ate his family.  I'm not sure what the devil gets out of this bargain.  Briony leads her babe friends to some World War 2 ruins in the English countryside which now is used by Satan as a gateway to Hell.  There, the four babes are hunted by cenobites and vampires.

With Ellie now missing, her parents enlist the help of a weird priest, Igor (Darrell Griggs) and the grouchy and ineffective Van Helsing.  The duo take their time getting to the ruins and as a result Ellie's friends are bitten and turn into vampire brides...not good for Ellie.  Now the head cenobite/vampire captures Ellie for some assumed ungodly purpose.  Van Helsing and Igor finally arrive and do a mediocre job battling the monsters.  Ellie looks real good running through underground ruins in fishnets and leather.  She'll put up a decent fight against the monsters and we hope Van Helsing and his weird colleague will find their A-game.

Will Van Helsing and Igor ever figure out they are monster hunters and stop acting like assistant inventory managers at a mid-size plumbing supply company?  Will Ellie's fishnets and leather skirt put some passion and personality into the world's most famous monster hunter?  Will Van Helsing's lack of personality drive the nubile Ellie into the arms of the cenobite/vampire leader?  This is a fun one, as all Jagged Edge productions are.  For a good monster and babe film, see "Van Helsing."  


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