Wednesday, June 1, 2022

Miner's Massacre, Pick-Axe in your Chest

A classic tale of greed and disembowelment graces this blog today. Throw in a cannibalistic 49er, resurrected by a Satanic ritual, and several hunks and babes and we have 2002's "Miner's Massacre" ("Curse of the Forty-Niner"). Oh yes...Karen Black, Martin Kove, Richard Lynch and John Phillip Law are in this one...okay, they will all die horribly, but they provide some neat moments of gore and horror.
Schmuck Jared (Shadrach Smith) discovers gold in an abandoned mine. Uh oh, there is a reason the mine is abandoned and Jared's discovery works to resurrect a cursed miner 49er (Brad H. Arden). The fiend pick-axes Jared but not before he notifies his perky and lovely sister Claire (Carrie Bradac) of the find. Claire grabs her goofy hubby Nick (Sean Hines) and four really stupid nymphomaniac friends, and the group heads to the mine. Tori (Sangi) and Axl (Steve Wastell) bicker a lot, but they are great looking, ignore Richard Lynch's warning. You know, that proverbial "Turn back now or you will all die warning." Also, Rox Ann (Elina Madison), who will do stripteases and have lot's of sex with her boyfriend Hayden (Ricj Majeske) also head to the mine.
The six arrive and are really horny. As they look at Jared's map the sultry Eve (Alexandra Ford) arrives. Don't get too attached to her as she will die from a pick-axe to the torso wound after she steals Axl from Tori. As the group finds the mine, our 49er monster begins hunting them down. The lovely Tori and Rox Ann will lose their heads in horrible fashion. Then Karen Black bursts onto the scene with the backstory of the cursed miner and it is a horrible one...almost as horrible as her imminent demise. Now the perky Claire, stooge Nick, and other survivors are scrambling to end the curse and stop the 49er from pursuing them.
Decapitations...pick-axes to torsos...shovels through the face...its all quite beautiful. As the sultry die horribly and their dweeb boyfriends do as well, our cursed miner 49er seems to be having all the fun. Will the perky Claire survive and be fortunate enough to have her goofy husband not survive? Oh why oh why did the sultry Eve have to die so quickly? Is this film, which appeared on the Syfy Channel, a sad foretelling of the the anti-climactic and very mediocre fate of 49er quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo during his choke performance against the Chiefs? With many terrific kills and some really nice cheesecake, "Miner's Massacre," directed by John Carl Buechler, is a terrific horror film to watch on a boring Friday night.

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