Thursday, August 22, 2019

Planet Raptor, Better than Jurassic Park

1993's "Jurassic Park" had a fatal lacked a quality leading lady. Not 2007's "Planet Raptor," as co-starring with hunk Steven Bauer is the effervescent Vanessa Angel. For you women, this film has much beefcake with Steven Bauer as a Marine commander who grunts a lot and spits tobacco juice...oooh...nice! And for you guys, the cheesecake also gushes as we have Vanessa Angel as a scientist who solves complex problems and displays superior intellect...nice!
Okay a team of scientists headed by mad-scientist Tygon (Ted Raimi), and includes Anna (Angel) is beamed down to a planet. Also beamed down is a team of Marines to protect the science team, led by Mace (Bauer). The planet resembles a medieval English village and seems deserted. Uh oh...the inhabitants have all been eaten by a horde of raptors. Now the beasts begin picking off the scientists and Marines. As Mace grunts a lot and shoots his machine gun, Anna alluringly displays scientific knowledge and looks really good in her space-babe outfit. As the raptors close in, the humans find shelter (albeit temporary) in a medieval castle.
The one babe Marine, Jackie (Musetta Vander) finds a transmitter that may be a grenade...that may be a raptor killer...that may be a teleporter. Meanwhile, the radiant Anna begins to fall in love with the hunk Mace. As more Marines and scientists get eaten, Anna will pile on the allure, and Mace will pile on the grunting. Uh appears these suckers were sent to the planet so the military could gauge the raptors as a potential new battlefield weapon, and the humans beamed down are a sacrifice to that end. Now the surviving scientific and military team must work together to defeat the dinosaur menace, beam back to the ship, and inflict justice on their corrupt superiors...all the while Anna's radiance and allure shine brightly and Mace's machismo spits more tobacco juice.
Will Anna and Mace survive and find happiness? Will the raptors prove to be a mighty fighting force which may replace humans on the battlefield? Aren't a few human lives worth the sacrifice if our armed forces never have to see another battle? Not if it means ripping apart Vanessa Angel, it doesn't! "Planet Raptor," directed by Gary Jones, is a lot more fun than the annoying "Jurassic Park," and Vanessa Angel beats any actress in that Spielberg do yourself a favor and watch "Planet Raptor."

1 comment:

  1. On your recommendation, I've just boycotted all Spielburg films!!