Thursday, July 11, 2019

King Cobra, Kung Fu Master vs. Giant Snake

Why aren't there any cobras in Japan? Right...Kung Fu masters scare them away. Next question, why aren't there any rattlesnakes in Japan? Yes! Two for two you are...because Godzilla eats rattlers for lunch. Today we look at a straight-to-DVD masterpiece featuring the late Pat Morita, 1999's "King Cobra."
Mad-scientist Dr. Irwin Burns (Joseph Ruskin) is experimenting on snakes. In his lab he has created a hybrid cobra-rattlesnake, and a formula to make it more aggressive? Why? Well, why not!?! He's a mad-scientist. Then boom! Mis-behaving lab technicians cause an explosion killing everyone in the lab except Irwin and Seth. Who is Seth? Menacing name, isn't it. He's a monster snake which will grow to, I don't know, let us say 100 feet. Two years later Seth shows up in a small town and begins biting (and killing) rednecks and nymphomaniac lovers. Jo (Casey Fallo)  is the babe policewoman investigating the carnage. She is also trying to have pre-marital sex with the clueless town hunk doctor Brad (Scott Hillenbrand).
The giant monster goes through the town like crap through a goose and Dr. Brad hasn't a clue that Jo is hot for him in a carnal way. Our mad-scientist shows up and Irwin isn't much help...other than confessing it is his experiment that is doing the carnage. Irwin calls in famous Herpetologist Pat Morita. The eccentric old fool says things like the monster is "beautiful" and "we must respect it to fight it." He won't fare well. As redneck hunters fall and some amorous Mexicans are eaten, Jo, Brad, Irwin, and Dr. Brad head into the woods to hunt the evil behemoth.
Will our hybrid monster continue its carnage and thwart the Kung Fu master? Will Jo learn certain seduction techniques, popular in Japanese brothels, in order to seduce the cold fish Dr. Brad? If Brad doesn't get a clue will Jo turn to Pat Morita, or in a deviant twist...the cobra/rattler hybrid? This is a fun one and very little can ever go wrong in a giant-snake-monster epic. Pat Morita is sensational and if you don't like graphic pre-marital sex in your movies, fear not, the inept Dr. Brad will keep it out of this one...poor Jo. See "King Cobra," and enjoy the best film ever made by Pat Morita.

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