Vampyres, Euro-Trash Goes Full Deviance

Euro-Trash to the max!  How can you tell?  The opening scene.  When two Euro-babes are having passionate lesbian sex...this may be Euro-trash.  In the throes of pleasure and deviance, a gunman enters the bed chamber and blows both naked and sweaty babes away in a deluge of bullets.  No, not the opening scene for "The King's Speech," but rather a Spanish/English Euro-Trash film you know as 1974's "Vampyres."  Sultry lesbian vampires having a lot of carnal relations, murdering a lot, and having a lot of straight sex...who watches this filth?!

Two beautiful vampires, Fran (Marianna Morris) and Miriam (Anulka Dziubinska) prowl a lonely country road and hitchhike.  Men who stop for them will enjoy passionate sex back at their mansion and then be savagely attacked for their blood.  The duo have a pretty good gig going.  As for the men...well, if one was allowed to choose the way he died...at the hands of these two Euro-babes may top the list.  Enter Ted (Murray Brown), a mysterious fellow.  He stops to give Fran a ride and finds himself in bed with her.  The pre-marital sex will be elongated and passionate.  Fran is kind of intrigued by him and allows him to live.  Little does Ted know, he is now a prisoner at the mansion of the vampire chicks.

Fran and Miriam continue their hanky panky and continue to stop motorists, invite them home, have sex with them...and drain them of blood.  Fran will continue to drink from Ted.  Fran and Miriam will have some very erotic sex with one another.  Oh wait!  Did I mention hunk John (Brian Deacon) and his babe GF, Harriett (Sally Faulkner)?  They are camping near the mansion and Harriett becomes intrigued by the comings and goings of the two vampires.  She'll end up naked and too curious and you won't believe what happens.  Sound fun and frolicky?  The last ten minutes of this film, no matter how devilishly erotic it may be, will be horrific and gratuitous. 

Is keeping Ted alive a big mistake for Fran and Miriam?  Will Harriett's curiosity land her on the menu or in bed with Fran and Miriam?  Is "Vampyres" a thinly veiled metaphor for the feminist movement in western Europe during the 1970s?  This is definitely a guilty pleasure.  For some forbidden thrills, see "Vampyres," and then take a long shower.  

Star Odyssey, The Italians Do Star Wars

Rip-offs from Italy! They do it well.  Euro-babes and Euro-hunks abound.  There will be sexy costumes and a lot of grunting.  So when an over-rated "Star Wars" hit the screens, the Italians were tasked.  Hence 1979's "Star Odyssey," directed by Alfonso Brescia.  It'll feature a pair of lovelorn and suicidal robots, a sultry chemist in a stretch vinyl leotard and hooker boots, grunting men, light sabers, androids that die nicely, a psychic battle between two old geezers, and a romance between a Euro-babe and an inter-galactic gambler.  George Lucas, eat your heart out!

An evil reptilian warlord brings his fleet of spaceships to Earth.  His goal is conquest.  After destroying Earth's military bases he captures Africans for slaves.  Space Control on Earth is powerless and enlist the help of mental genius Professor Mauri (Ennio Balbo).  Mauri has psychic and hypnotic powers...and a babe niece Irene (Yanti Somer).  Mauri puts his old team together, but this isn't easy.  He gets sexpot Bridget (Malisa Longo) and her beau Shawn (Chris Avram) out of a moon prison.  The two are chemists and will try to come up with an answer for the alien energy source.  Also brought in is Irene's former lover, the gambler, Dirk (Gianni Garko).  Oh yes, professional wrestler, Norman (Roberto Dell'Acqua) is also brought in.  Norman brings two robots with him.  The two robots are lovers and suicidal and bicker nonstop.  

The team is ready to plan a defense and an attack on the reptile guy's space forces.  Reptile guy lands his ship on the defenseless Earth and sends his android army to attack Mauri's compound.  A raging battle ensues and Irene is captured.  Mauri and his troops go after Irene and the battle of the millennium occurs.  The two robots bicker some more and things explode.  Reptile man and Mauri engage in a battle of psychic powers and give one another headaches.  Bridget keeps looking great in her vinyl and hooker boot outfit, as Dirk schemes to get Irene back.  Space battles will occur with a lot of spaceships and things will explode in space.  

Will Mauri's team overcome the evil reptile man and his android army?  Will Irene and Dirk rekindle their love affair...and will anyone have pre-marital sex with Bridget?  What of the suicidal robots...will they short circuit each other or find a way to engage?  This is a good one and a lot of fun.  For a "Star Wars" type movie with better looking characters than the Lucas film, see "Star Odyssey." 

Invasion From Inner Earth, Horror in Manitoba

Only a 2.9/10 star rating on IMDB?  That's gold for this blog.  A movie set in Manitoba (that's in Canada)? I'm game. As for that low rating by IMDB dweebs...if Stanley Kubrick's name was in the credits it would have an 8.9/10 rating.  No single film has captured the ethos of Canada better than the American made epic set in Manitoba, 1974's "Invasion From Inner Earth," directed by Bill Rebane.  However bad this film is portrayed by any critic, it is nowhere near as bad or embarrassing as Justin Trudeau. 

The nubile Sarah (Debbi Pick) and her brother Jake (Nick Holt) live in a cabin in the wilderness.  Their dad just died and the only way to reach them is by small airplane.  Three scientists are in the area taking readings and doing other stuff scientists do.  The grouchy Andy (Robert Arkens),  the hunk Eric (Karl Wallace), and the goofy Stan (Paul Bentzen) are the lab men.  Being a hunk, Eric has caught Jake's eye.  He believes the hunky scientist is good breeding material for his sister Sarah.  One problem, Eric is boring and is of no consequence to the film or the plight of anyone in it.  The plight?  Okay, I suppose we should talk about the UFO invasion.  The saucers drop a red gas on Manitoba killing everyone except our peeps in the wilderness...and an annoying radio DJ (this guy is not worth mentioning again).

Jake, a pilot, flies the three scientists back to civilization only to find out everyone has been killed off. No great loss, this is of course...Manitoba.  Jake flies the three back and now the five survivors try to figure out what is going on.  A weird red light seems to be spying on them.  Eric is too nerdy to make a move for Sarah leaving her to goofy Stan...ick. Eric dwells in irrelevance. Jake hits the bottle...and an alien force turns out to be homicidal even in the wilderness. Now the survivors get desperate and scared.  Even worse...the aliens begin sizing them up for...well...you'll see...and it will make Stanley Kubrick proud.

Is an alien invasion of Canada a possible explanation of the Justin Trudeau regime?  Will Sarah learn to lust for goofy Stan and toss Eric into the trash heap of failed Canadians?  If Manitoba is wiped out, is Saskatchewan next?  Hey...what do you mean, 'who cares?'  For some neat Manitoba scifi/horror, see "Invasion From Inner Earth."  

Cyborg, Classic Jean-Claude Van Damme

Okay!  Fine!  I admit it!  Sure, the crucifixion scene where Jean-Claude Van Damme basks in the Jesus imagery is a bit much.  Still, 1989's "Cyborg" is a damn good movie...or should I say "Damme" good movie.  I think all of us have to admit that Mel Gibson was heavily influenced by this scene...but let us move on.  Directed by Albert Pyun, this film boasts of hunks grunting and babes toiling in catfights.

New York City...post apocalypse.  It looks a lot like New York during the David Dinkins Reign of Terror. A sadistic street gang lead by Fender (Vincent Klyn) captures a pretty cyborg/woman named Pearl (Dayle Haddon) who has the cure for a plague that has decimated the planet.  Enter Gibson (Van Damme)...Kung Fu hunk, extraordinaire. With Pearl in enemy hands, Gibson joins forces with the buxom Nubian, Nady (Deborah Richter). Being a Kung Fu hunk, Gibson wants to go his own way...but Nady uses pre-marital sex to convince the fellow to join her in rescuing Pearl, thus saving the world.  By the way, we get a look at Gibson's backstory and it is a dramatic and vicious one.

Now our hunk and babe traipse southwards to head off Fender and his gang.  The goal is to free Pearl.  Gibson has an additional goal...murder Fender.  The two have a sordid history.  No time is wasted by musical interludes or slow motion scenes of hot air balloons or running through the surf.  Nope...not in this movie.  Catfights for Nady will be plentiful.  Gibson will fight to the death with other grunting and sweaty hunks.  Fender looms on Gibson's radar.  Uh oh...Fender seems to have the upper hand and now Gibson must survive the aforementioned crucifixion. 

Will Gibson and Nady rescue Pearl and save the world?  Will the grunting and sweating brutes learn conflict resolution strategies and settle their differences with compromise and collaboration?  Will the cure Pearl has inside her computer chips be less deadly than Fauci's cure?  This is a fantastic film and infinitely better than anything Marvel or DC shovel onto us.  For a frolicking good time with great cheese and beef, see "Cyborg."

The Body Stealers, NATO in Trouble

Unable to deter the Russian threat in Europe, NATO has proven to be unready and unarmed.  As the west's military can't even beat balloons, NATO is wondering why they did not stock up on bullets and tanks.  This was not always the case.  NATO used to have real men.  Men who sucked face with every babe in western Europe, and often, engaged in pre-marital sex with those same beauties.  Those were the days!  Now NATO has pronoun training for all of its troops.  Today we look at 1969's "The Body Stealers," directed by Gerry Levy.

NATO paratroopers are disappearing in mid-air as they practice on English air force bases.  General Armstrong (George Sanders) is ordered to get to the bottom of it.  He calls in Bob (Patrick Allen).  Who is Bob?  Some NATO secret agent type.  More importantly, he spends all his time sucking face and having pre-marital sex with English babes.  Bob begins investigating and has Armstrong ground all jumping exercises.  Next, Bob makes his way over to the lab where he'll meet Julie (Hillary Heath).  She's a genius but soon reduced to a drooling babe in need of Bob's amorous attention.  Dr. Matthews (Maurice Evans), head scientist at the lab, tells Bob to consider otherworldly causes for the disappearance of the paratroopers.

Not satisfied with merely sucking face with Julie during this mission to save the world, Bob meets a blonde vixen, Lorna (Pamela Conway).  They'll have a grand old time kissing in the surf and then probably engaging in pre-marital sex.  Lorna is a strange one.  She has a penchant for disappearing into thin air and registering as radioactive on sensors.  Now Lorna pleads with Bob to stop flying.  Bob is brave and must solve the mystery of the disappearing paratroopers.  Meanwhile, Julie makes some startling discoveries but these are ignored as she sucks more face with Bob.  Now things get strange.  Bob sets off to do a parachute jump and see for himself what is happening to the missing soldiers.  Uh oh again...others who see Lorna, follow her...and die horribly.

What is happening to these NATO paratroopers?  Will Lorna and Julie meet and engage in a vicious catfight?  If NATO had more real men like Bob, who skipped his pronoun training, would Russia still be inching toward Poland?  This is a good one from 1969 with a lot of good beef and cheese.  For a jolly good time, take a peak back to when men were men, women were women, and sucking face was encouraged.  See "The Body Stealers" today. 

Mystery Spot, Ghostly Motel

Coping with loss.  A loved one is no more.  Now alone, moving forward is not always in the cards.  Despair, depression, fear, and desperation take over and we don't always recover.  Today we have a strange one.  However strange, 2021's "Mystery Spot" may charge us to deal with loss head on...in a healthy manner.  Directed by Mel House, this film will give us a wonderful performance by horror film icon Lisa Wilcox.  As far as Hall-of-Fame caliber scream queens, Debbie Rochon is also in this film. 

So, what is going on here?  We initially meet Rachel (Wilcox).  The beautiful blonde is obviously grieving and it appears to us that she is considering suicide.  We also meet film maker Nathan (Graham Skipper). He has set up at an out of the way motel where he is contracted to conduct auditions.  Actors and actresses visit him in his room and he videos them reading for a part.  We meet a lot more characters,  Rachel, returns.  Still very much alive she has checked into this weird motel.  Also there, not as a guest, but as cop (Bobby Simpson II) investigating...well...investigating something.  Now this movie will get weirder.  Are there ghosts?  maybe.  What is going on in Nathan's life that makes him act weird?  You'll see.  The proprietor of the hotel, Max (Lyle Kanouse) oozes weirdness.  Uh oh...the motel is adjacent to a dilapidated roadside attraction where reality seems to be suspended in favor of some new dimension.

Get it?  You will.  A pattern is ascertained that connects all these characters.  Loss.  The eerie part of it is that we sense their gathering at this motel may not be for their edification, but for their ruination.  Eventually, these apparently disassociated beings begin interacting and their stories result in carnage and violence.  On the outside, Detective Hanlon (Rochon) is in contact with Leon, but we sense that Leon may have been pulled into a different world.  Whatever force has assembled these sad beings does not seem like a benevolent one.  Now everything mentioned above, and a dozen more plot lines will converge like cars at a demolition derby and give us all an important message about grieving and loss.

Lisa Wilcox and Debbie Rochon are draw enough to see this film.  Still, the deep dark questions it will stir inside our own consciences may be a worthwhile quiz to give ourselves.  Loss and grief will attack each one of us.  None of us will handle it masterfully.  Still, the importance of moving forward is stated quite dramatically, in horrific scope, when you watch "Mystery Spot."

Slipping Into Darkness, Three Seductresses vs. Three Bikers

In 1984 we all saw "Blame it on Rio."  As frivolous and light as that film was, it had a big "ick" factor." Yep, you remember, 16 year old Jennifer (Michelle Johnson) seduces an old man (Michael Caine). Still the film had a lot of laughs.  In 1988, Michelle Johnson stars in another ick-fest, "Slipping Into Darkness."  There will be no laughs in this one.  In fact the "ick" factor will increase dramatically as the film progresses.  In what is not the feel good film of 1988, we will examine this movie today, which was directed by Eleanor Gaver.  Warning...just when you think the "ick" factor has reached its apex...it will increase again.

Three babes are classmates at a ritzy college.  Carlyle (Johnson) is the spoiled and seductive daughter of the dean.  She has her own Mercedes and can get away with anything.  Her two buddies are Genevieve (Anastasia Fielding) who is into being tied up by bad boys, and the apparent clean cut Alex (Cristen Kauffman).  Much to Genevieve's delight, their lives will be thrown together with three bad biker dudes, the handsome Fritz (John D' Aquino), Otis the psycho (Vyto Ruginis), and the maybe half-good T-Bone (David Sherrill).  Thrown together, how?  Heartbreaking and disgusting events lead to the death of Frotz' mentally challenged brother (Neill Barry).  Fritz blames the three beauties...and the babes kind of deny it.  Now Fritz calls on his biker gang to exact justice on the babes.

Uh oh...the gals are quite the seductresses.  Lies abound as Fritz and Carlyle fall for one another...or do they?  Alex and T-Bone seem to be hot for one another.  Then Genevieve and Otis pair off for weird and dangerous pre-marital sex.  Now Fritz is not sure how his brother was killed.  Carlyle's vagueness is not helping his fact finding efforts.  More seduction and carnage follow.  Gore and twisted sex also follow.  Twisted imagery will include a macabre farmhouse and graveyard as the setting for some significant plot devices.  Oh yeah...I won't even tell you about the combine in the cornfield.  Twisted?  Ha!  It'll get more twisted and perverted, and more lurid.  

How did Fritz' brother die?  What exactly did the three high school babes do to the young fellow moments before his death?  Do the biker dudes have a shot at survival against this trio of vixens?  Again, I warn you...this one will pile it on heavy with the "ick."  If you can take a lurid, dark, and disgusting reveal...then watch "Slipping Into Darkness."