Killer Rental, Bikini Babes and Hunks Filmed Being Murdered

The magnum opus of Ryan Lucy! Ryan Lucy? A dame...with a guy's name. No matter, she is quite the dish and looks great in a bikini. There will be a lot of babes in this film, all in bikinis, but something about Ms. Lucy...well, she stands out. Wait! There are slashers in this film!  Will the nubile bikini babe avoid being gutted, or chopped up? Today we will look at a weird film, or I should say, a part of this weird film. Skipping the beginning and the end, the middle is where we will dwell. To explain that would give too many spoilers.  Our feature today is the Ryan Lucy spectacular, 2025's "Killer Rental," directed by Ben Hausdorff and Jonathan Kadin.

Chase (Wyatt Hinz), a hunk, and BF of bikini babe Chloe (Mea Wilkerson), rents a remote house way in the desert. Influencer Lauren (Lindsay Arnold) wants to film her social media there for a few days and brings her great looking friends. Also along is her cameraman Aaron (Tyler Lofton), the gay Noah (Matt Mitchell), Chase and Chloe, and her childhood buddy, Mina (Lucy). She films nonstop, or Aaron does. Right away, the six don bikinis or swimsuits and do the pool and liquor. Aaron likes Mina, a lot...as do we. This is trouble as Lauren puts the moves on Aaron, only to be rebuffed. Chloe and Chase engage in deviant pre-marital sex. Mina and Aaron are so cute as they make goo-goo eyes at one another. Lauren is brutally strangled and chopped up.  Wait!  What?  Yep...she's gone early on in this film.  By who?  Why?

Now it gets complicated.  The hunks and babes do not know that there are hidden cameras everywhere.  Everything they do is being captured on video...even the pre-marital sex.  Mina and Aaron  get closer and soon they figure out Lauren is missing. The killer, or killers, then converge on the babes and hunks.  Mina and Chloe make a shocking discovery.  Noah puts the moves on Chase. A nail gun, chainsaw, drill, hatchet, and axe will be wielded by...by...well, you will find out.  Blood and brains splatter, and skulls will be crushed.  

Will Mina survive this, like, is she too beautiful to be torn apart?  Is the killer one of the babes or hunks or something far more dastardly?  Whoever is watching these youngsters on video, does he/she/ or them have special plans for the sultry Mina? This is a gory one and does not follow all the rules of slasher films. The cast is great looking, pure cheesecake and beefcake, and the kills are ominous and gory.  For a slasher film that is a bit different, see "Killer Rental." 

Ape X Mecha Ape: New World Order, Sean Young as the Beast

Oh, my. So sultry she was in the 80s.  "No Way Out," "Blade Runner," or "Wall Street." Sean Young was quite a dish. What happened? I think alcohol and bad decisions.  So here in 2024 she plays Biden's Nat'l Security Advisor and she takes after that weirdo Richard Levine guy. Sean Young plays a guy and is scarier than the big apes and the Cthulhu tentacled thing. Her portrayal is a grim reminder of the idiocy of Biden appointees. No one is pining for the return of Richard Levine and no one is pining for Sean Young to make another movie. Harsh? Ha!  See the movie. Our feature today is 2024's "Ape X Mecha Ape: New World Order," directed by Marc Gottlieb. This film is from The Asylum. 

Abe, the 90-foot gorilla roams a Pacific island after the first film he was in, also from The Asylum. Let's keep this brief. A Cthulhu-tentacled creature comes up from the ocean, destroys a cruise ship, and heads over to Abe's island and beats him up. Okay, in Japan, Asian babe Rio (Jessica DeBonville) gets into the robot ape, the 200-foot-tall Mecha Ape and flies to America to beat up the Cthulhu. Nat'l Security Advisor Eva Lemuria (Young), dressed like a man...and pulling it off (kinda has that Gilbert Godfrey look) is mad at Japan. See, Eva is also a cult leader paving the way for "The Old One" to return and wipe out mankind. A perfect fit for the Biden Administration. Reporterette Naomi (Ashley Dakin) is mad 'cause her parents were on the aforementioned cruise ship. She and her hot assistant, Sara (Bix Krieger) rush to the scene where Abe and Mecha Ape will fight the Cthulhu. Uh oh, Sara realizes they lost a hubcap along the way. Really!

Okay, Abe is out of sorts and attacks Mecha Ape with the hot Japanese babe inside. Mecha Ape shoves Passion flowers in Abe's mouth and he's nice again. Eva yells at the Japanese prime minister who probably had to give a great effort to keep a straight face. In her business suit, Eva recites ancient incantations and does a bunch of useless things. The Asian babe Rio and her Mecha Ape is decimated by the Cthulhu but Rio, wounded, survives. Sara frets over the missing hubcap. Naomi, as with much of the DC press corps, is quite useless.

How easy is it to replace a hubcap on a rental car?  Was Richard Levine really a compelling figure enough to want to base an ape movie around? Just who is "The Old One" and will he be able to help Sean Young get any ounce of her beauty back?  This is one from The Asylum and for that we're grateful. For a good giant ape, without a Fay Wray-type babe, see "Ape X Mecha Ape: New World Order."

Showgirl Murders, Stripper-Psycho

Maria Ford!  Who? Internationally renowned burlesque performer (stripper), actress, and model.  Today we have her magnum opus.  Get this, she choreographed her own routines, for which there will be many. Routines that include fire, a big snake, BDSM costumes, a whip, etc.  It is not easy being an exotic dancer at the same time a choreographer, and killer.  Killer? Yep, pure psycho...at least in this movie.  In real life Maria Ford is a great philanthropist, working for positive change in her community, and an avid recycler of plastic bottles. Let us take a look at the 1996 erotic thriller "Showgirl Murders," directed by Dave Payne. 

Stripper, sorry, exotic dancer, Jessica (Ford) rips off her boyfriend, Crank (Jeffrey Douglas), of his drug dealing profits and runs. Now she is on the run from this psycho and her talents are limited. Thus, she ends up at a strip club begging for a job.  The club is owned by hunk Mitch (Matt Preston), and his dumpy wife Carolyn (D.S. Case). Carolyn wants to send Jessica on her way, but Mitch is aroused and hires her. Jessica's new routines, which are extraordinary in a prurient sort of way, helps the club increase their nightly take enormously. Now Jessica makes the moves on Matt and before you know it, Jessica is trying to get Matt to murder Carolyn. Uh oh...a DEA agent, Sam (Bob McFarland) enters the picture.  He wants Crank and knows Jessica is still in touch with him.

Mitch tries to murder Carolyn...but he is not a killer.  Is Jessica? Duh! In fact, the more we learn about Jessica the more she resembles Michael, or Freddie, or Norman Bates. Jessica's routines get hotter and she even introduces some lesbian themed routines with other strippers...oh, sorry...exotic dancers. Now Crank shows up and he wants his money that Jessica stole.  Now Jessica has a whole bunch of peeps in her life that, in her mind, need killing.  Armed with a whip, blunt instruments, a knife, a gun, Molotov cocktails, and attitude, Jessica decides to take control.

Will anyone in this film be alive as the end credits role?  Is it true that before his death Bob Fosse was going to make this movie until Maria Ford murdered him? Why don't we have more burlesque performers making films today and if we did, would Spielberg's "Disclosure Day" have been watchable?  See "Showgirl Murders" and get your fill of Maria Ford and all her talents.   

Virtually Dead, Italian Gamers in Gaming Hell

Kind of like Giallo...kind of. Italian horror film with some babes in it who are in much peril.  Still, the 1960s and 1970s Euro-Babes were so arousing with miniskirts, go-go boots, or maybe nude. Not today, the babes of today do not know how to be babes.  The movie-makers do not know how to make them into babes. Still, in a movie about gamers, it is nice our filmmaker restrained from giving us Goth-like creatures. Today we look at 2014's "Virtually Dead" (aka "Dead Gamers"), directed by Paolo Bertola.

Robert (Stefano Guerriero) is a nerdy gamer who has invented a bizarre one utilizing Virtual Reality and AI. Yep, he summons his buddies over for dinner, and after dinner, they will play the game. Arriving is the babe Laura (Alessandra Angeli) and her boyfriend Loris (Francesco Testa). Loris hates Robert as he knows the nerd is in love with his girl. Also arriving is the babe/cocaine addict Ellen (Chiara Alivernini) and her boytoy Simon (Alessio Cherubini). Then a fifth-wheel, the thug Mark (Alex Lucchesi), who hates everyone. The friends chow down ignorant that Robert has placed a capsule in their food. The capsule has millions of nanobots in them and takes control of their senses and nervous systems. The guests pass out and now Robert can see their thoughts on his computer. He places them all in some VR world where he can throw zombies at them, but not before arming his buddies with machine guns.

The guests wake in the weird VR world and are irate. They grab their weapons and initially have success felling the zombies attackers. Robert pays special attention to Laura, in the VR world, and also asleep at the dinner table. Then a virus hits and the system's antivirus protection fails. Robert doesn't have control of the game and the attackers are more capable and have the capability to bite and murder. Nazi zombies arrive.  Mark is bitten and begins changing.  Laura struggles to carry her semi-gatling gun around. Then Ellen meets her deceased mother. Robert, in the real world, struggles to figure out how to get control back and pull his buddies back into their bodies at the dinner table.  Then, by accident he figures out a way, but the cure may be as deadly as the zombie onslaught.

Will Robert end up with Laura as he makes sure Loris is eaten by the VR zombies? Will Robert ever get control of the game back or are his buddies forever doomed to the VR zombie-world?  Can Robert do us all a favor and put Ellen and Laura in bikinis instead of the military fatigues he has them in? A techno-thriller which, from Italy, may not have any resemblance to reality in it, but it is fun.  For some neat 21st century Italian horror, see "Virtually Dead."    

Countrycide, Bear Traps and a Babe

Ah, the country! You can have it.  Give me the great indoors, WIFI, and streaming. Nature?  Hiking?  Camping?  I've seen too many movies to desire those.  From Ontario, we have a warning against camping, hiking, and the outdoors.  Our feature today is 2017's Countrycide, directed by Brett Kelly.

So cute! Abby (Robin Hodge) and Mike (Joel Elliott) are boyfriend and girlfriend.  Abby's sister is getting married and they are too broke to take an airplane...thus Mike drives them.  Abby?  Doesn't drive, don't ask. Money for a hotel? No way!  They stop at Ranger Station #5 and meet Ranger Scott (Peter Whitaker) and ask where they can set up tent for the night.  He warns them that no one camps in these woods ever since WIFI and streaming became a thing. The cute couple find a patch of land in the woods and set up a tent.  At night, they build a campfire, discuss the meaning of being boyfriend and girlfriend, and get ready to kiss.  They are so cute...did I mention that? Mike goes to relieve himself in the trees and never comes back.

Abby falls asleep and when she wakes in the morning, no Mike. She goes out to look for him and steps in a beartrap. Happens...at least in the movies.  In real life, these two would have stayed home and used WIFI. Now Abby limps through the woods and is attacked by a wolf before she is saved by three hunters.  Tom (Andrew Galligan), Len (Trevor Payer), and Albert (Lee Cyr) initially look like saviors. Right! Yep, lunatics!  They murdered Mike and want to hunt Abby and then do all sorts of awful things to her when they catch her. They set Abby off into the woods and give her a head start.  Now the trio hunts the wounded dame with rape, torture, and murder in mind. Abby looks like a goner unless she has what it takes to turn herself into a hunter. 

Wild mushrooms! Carnivores, and bad ideas will all occur at such inconvenient times.  The results? Gore and death.  Will Abby become a hunter, and will it be too late?  Are the trio of hunters smart enough to track a dame who can step into a beartrap and not beg for help?  Will Abby make it to her sister's wedding, and if she does, will she be able to dance?  This is a good one.  Low budget, all the way, but Abby is likable and we do pull for her.  For some good beartrap horror, see "Countrycide."

Alien Storm, The Bonfire of the Alien Invasion

If Tom Wolfe had written science fiction, or alien invasion action novels, he would have written this film today.  What we have here is a sci-fi epic from The Mahal Brothers Empire that sort of mirrors Wolfe's "The Bonfire of the Vanities." More importantly we have babes with guns.  We don't have enough socialite-survivalist babes with guns in our films today. Throw in a WWE wrestler, Tom Arnold as the Las Vegas mayor, and Kevin Sorbo as the president, and we have good alien invasion drama. Oh, did I mention the flesh eating zombies?  Funny how those can slip our minds. Let us look at 2026's "Alien Storm," an action-packed alien invasion film filled with biting social commentary with babes in peril, directed by Adam Werth.  BTW, this film comes out on July 21 in digital on Amazon Prime and Apple TV. 

Aliens or demons? I think aliens. They invade and disable major cities around the world. The president (Sorbo) tries to keep America calm, though there is little reason to be calm. In Vegas, Frank McConnely (Robert Standley) and his babe wife, Ophelia (Laura Mason) host a party. Frank's flying car company has just gone public and celebrities, the Detroit Lions, Charles Wright (WWE's Godfather) and other beautiful people assemble to celebrate. Jenna (Elley Ringo) is there to get a statement and pre-marital sex from Mayor Haines (Tom Arnold).  She may want to cover the New England Patriots after this invasion is over. At the party, the guests get word an invasion has gripped Vegas. Frank has a luxurious underground bunker and invites the privileged class to ride out this drama from there. Billie (Elizabeth Chamberlain), Frank's babe daughter, has to find the family dog before she will allow herself to be locked in. How do you think this will go?

Yep, the sultry Ophelia and Frank break out the machineguns and some of the guests decide to take the fight to the creatures, who are now in the mansion. The creatures are mean and shred the guests, then eat them. The shredded guests? Yep, they come back to eat the living.  Could it get worse?  While "The Bonfire of the Vanities" theme is playful and satirical, this film adds some taboo and heartbreak.  It goes from a light, fun horror film to an ominous and terrifying one. Babes with guns are heroic in this but it will be so sad to see some evening gown-clad beauties shredded.  As the survivor pool decreases, the privileged may have found a weakness for these monsters, but is it too late?

Will the lovely Jenna get her pre-marital sex with the mayor, even though she has had to arm herself and turn all killer?  Will the lovely evening gown clad Ophelia get into catfights with female monsters? Will Frank and all his brains that created a flying car company figure out a way out of this?  This is a good one and don't be fooled by an almost comedic introduction of the party goers...it'll get ominous and terrifying real quick. See "Alien Storm" starting next week on Apple TV and Amazon Prime.

   

Cruise Into Terror, Aaron Spelling Made-For-TV Horror

Today we look at ABC's Friday Night Movie from February 3, 1978. Okay, Jo Ann Harris! The most beautiful actress of the 1970s we never talk about. Overshadowed by the Charlie's Angels babes, Ms. Harris will factor huge, often in a bikini, in our feature today.  Our feature today? An Aaron Spelling TV spectacular.  Listen to these names, along with Jo Ann Harris. Dirk Benedict!  John Forsythe!  Christopher and Lynda Day George! Lee Meriwether! Ray Milland! Stella Stevens! Roger E. Mosely! Hugh O'Brien! Hilarie Thompson! Did I mention Jo Ann Harris in a bikini? Throw in Satan and a shipwreck, and we have "Cruise Into terror," directed by Bruce Kessler. 

Captain Andy (O'Brien) is ordered by the shipping company boss to carry eight passengers to Cozumel, Mexico so they can get on a luxury cruise ship. Minutes later the boss is killed in a forklift accident. Hesitantly Andy welcomes them aboard and sets sail across the Gulf of America to Mexico. On board is Andy's First officer Simon (Benedict), Neal and Sandra (Christopher and Lynda Day George), party girl Judy (Harris), her bookwormish buddy Debbie (Thompson), the professor (Milland), the math guy Matt (Frank Converse), the witch Marilyn (Stevens) , The reverend (Forsyth) and his spinster wife Lil (Meriwether). And more! Yep, the Professor is going to Cozumel to find the ancient Egyptian tomb of the son of Satan. The Egyptians wanted it buried on the other side of the Earth. Matt tells him the exact location is actually at the bottom of the Gulf of America and now the ship just happens to be over that spot.

Now weird stuff happens. Greed overtakes the passengers and spinster Lil turns into a demon-seductress and desires sex with everyone.  Oh, Judy dons a bikini a lot in hopes of seducing Simon. Neal turns evil with greed and Sandra pleads with him to be himself again. Judy dons a bikini...did I mention that? The reverend is convinced the sarcophagus that divers have brought aboard the ship contains the second coming of Satan or something like that and seeks to destroy it.  His wife, Lil, played by the former Miss America, sheds her spinster identity and has extra-marital sex with Matt the math guy. Captain Andy and Simon desperately try to fix the ship's engine before a storm rolls in. Evil permeates and Judy even attacks her buddy Debbie. The reverend now seeks to get Miss America back as he tries to destroy the sarcophagus.  Neal and Matt seem possessed as they try to protect the son of Satan. Judy continues to look good, dressing in undies or wearing a bikini. Oh, Captain Andy will be seduced by Marilyn the witch and the two will engage in pre-marital sex.

Did anyone consider Jo Ann Harris to be in "Charlie's Angels"?  Will the former Miss America continue extra-marital sex with guardians of Satan or return to her prudish husband?  Will Satan make Jo Ann Harris and Lee Meriwether  engage in a catfight on the Lido deck?  This is a good one and all the stars in it have infinitely more appeal than the rubbish we have now.  For a real movie with a real plot, and real stars, see "Cruise Into Terror," an Aaron Spelling Production.

Gator Lake, A Weird One with Gators...or are they Crocs?

Okay, we need to clear some things up. The title of the movie! "Gator Lake"? "Crocodile Revenge"? "Lake Jesup: Bonecrusher's Revenge"? Best I can tell, we should go with "Gator Lake: Bonecrusher's Revenge." Next...based on true events? Yep...and we'll go with that. Bonecrusher? A big crocodile...or alligator.  Crocodile or alligator? Take my word for it...same difference!  When you meet one face to face you won't go all marine biologist and try to classify it. Horror story? No, love story.  Sadly, there is a case to be made for this. Let us look at 2025's "Gator Lake," directed by Michael Houston King.

Bonecrusher escapes from Gator World and chews up 11 people in Lake Jesup, or Swamp Lake. Bonecrusher? Gator World's star attraction that Gator World's owner, Angus Sullivan (Jeff Benninghofen) raised by feeding it human remains. Now Bonecrusher has a taste for human flesh and we all know, once one taste's human flesh, we cannot go back to beef. Enter Bubba (Derek Russo). He just got out of the joint after 22 years. He's a croc hunter and knows Bonecrusher well.  Bubba is hired by the mayor (King) to kill Bonecrusher.  Bonecrusher is still eating peeps. Bubba then goes on the  most low energy gator hunt, or croc hunt, anyone can imagine. He watched Bonecrusher eat more peeps all while ticking off some broad named Lainy (Sarah Voigt).  Lainy? Never mind.  There is no way humanly possible to explain Lainy to you in a way you'd understand, but she provides this film with dozens of awkward scenes. I will say that Lainy just seems like the kind of gal you would always be apologizing to if you dated her. Now, enough said.

Lainy makes us look away from the screen and at our feet.  Let's forget about her. Bubba has a score to settle.  He blames Sullivan for all the carnage, the death of his wife, and now suspects his dear departed wife's remains may have been fed to Bonecrusher. Bubba grunts a lot.  Bubba yells at Sullivan a lot.  Bubba does something to Lainy that we kind of assume is romancing her. Bonecrusher eats more people. Oh, to slow the plot down, Bubba has a daughter (Katie Gibbons) he has not seen in 22 years, and a grandson he has never seen. Yep, they are in this...and they make us cheer for Bonecrusher. Eventually, Bubba does come up with a great plan to find and kill Bonecrusher and you won't believe what he will use for bait.

Will Bubba be able to romance Lainy and suck some face with her?  Will Bonecrusher eat Lainy, and Bubba's daughter and grandson?  Will Bubba ever go high-energy? Oh!  I should point out that this film is the magnum opus of  Savannah Grace Elmer.  Miss Elmer (pictured in the bikini top above) is a beautiful actress who can recite the alphabet backwards.  Really.  This is a good one in an MST3K type of way.  For some gator, or croc fun, see "Gator Lake," or whatever this film is called.   

Scream of the Wolf, Made for TV Horror

Nothing says 1970s ABC made-for-TV better than Jo Ann Pflug. In her defense, she is good looking. Sure, she's no Cheryl Ladd or Tanya Roberts...but she still is a catch. Match her up with the aging Peter Graves, and we have carnal sparks fly all over the place. Okay, I'm overstating it. We have a wooden dating relationship in which, if we're lucky, we'll see them kiss. Or, maybe not. Wolf?  Werewolf?  Sure, there is that too. But 1974's "Scream of the Wolf" isn't a horror movie, it's a love story.  No! That's silly! It's a werewolf story. Don't you hate when filmmakers say that about their horror movies.  Directed by Dan Curtis, our feature today is also a nice mystery.

A beast murders some schmuck (Tom Dever) in the woods. The poor guy is all chewed up and ripped apart. Weird tracks are found near the body. Sheriff Vernon Bell (Philip Carey) calls in former hunter, and current novelist, John (Graves) to help out. He's perplexed. Both the sheriff and John ask Byron (Clint Walker) to help out. Byron is a current big-game hunter and John's former best friend. Byron? He's busy. Doing what? Busy. Over the next few nights, more people are ripped to shreds by the monster. John really tries to get Byron on board...but he's busy. Byron tells John to look on the bright side, "Only in mortal danger are we alive." I know what you're thinking. Is Byron the werewolf? Guess what! John left hunting when him and Byron tracked a wolf in Canada. The wolf got a jump on Byron and tore him up pretty bad before John killed it. Right...Byron was bitten...so he's the werewolf!  Everyone thinks so, but not John.

In fairness, John doesn't come across as that bright. He starts dating Sandy (Pflug) and the two are quite dull.  Pre-marital sex? Not even a kiss. At one point she makes him coffee...just like Lana Turner did for John Garfield in "The Postman Always Rings Twice." Sandy hates Byron.  Afterall, she thinks he is a werewolf. Women can be so judgmental. John still isn't convinced even after drinking Sandy's coffee. Soon, it is apparent that Byron is playing John...but why? More killings...more vagueness as to what Byron is busy doing.

Is Byron a werewolf, or is that too easy?  Will John and Sandy at least suck some face or is Peter Graves too old to remember what to do in that situation?  Is there some sort of weird relationship between Byron and John stemming back from the wolf attack many years ago? This is a mystery, and we are most intrigued by Clint Walker's character, who looks like he could give Sandy a better roll in the hay than John could...if our minds were to go there. See "Scream of the Wolf" for some neat Made-For-TV horror...or whatever you want to call it.    

Beverly Hills Massacre, Texas Chainsaw Massacre Meets Uber

Now there is a connection Tobe Hooper never foresaw. Still, we have a brutal horror film about a nubile babe ride share driver. Sure, it may begin slow, but the last half of this movie is twisted, gory, brutal, and depraved. This is the type of horror where people might yell, "This is some sick f***ing s**t!" Nevertheless, this Jason Toler film has ambition and nerve.  Our feature today is 2025's "Beverly Hills Massacre."

The beginning of this film is right out of "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre." You'll see. After that nostalgic opening we see the sultry Kelly (Elizabeth Bird) having passionate pre-marital sex with her hunk BF Tommy (Zach Kuntz). We know what happens to those who engage in this behavior in these slasher films. Kelly is an aspiring actress, and we like her.  She is really banking on getting a role in an ice cream commercial. Kelly has not made it yet so she drives a ride share, picking up fares and depositing them. We get to meet her riders, some very interesting peeps in Beverly Hills. Then, through some deception, Kelly picks up Karen (Malia Arrayah). The tall weird woman who  wears a mask and dresses in a tight, short, revealing outfit lies to Kelly and tips her big. Kelly lets her guard down and drives her to a Beverly Hills mansion where she helps Karen bring her bags in.

Uh oh...Karen and her butler (Roy Allen) drug Kelly and lock her in a room with the previous victim, who has her mouth sewn shut. Yep, Karen has plans for Kelly and we get a hint of it when Karen removes her mask and reveals a disfigured face. Kelly will be tortured, bludgeoned with a crowbar, and prepped for... well, you'll see. Oh, there are other guests who have also been locked up and driven to madness.  Kelly is different, she is beautiful and Karen has dibs on her...well, you'll see. What follows is gore, and lurid torture.  Kelly has fight and will not succumb, if she has anything to say about it.

What does Karen want from Kelly?  Will Kelly's hunk BF look for her and come to try to save her? Will the ending of this film be right out of the 1974 Tobe Hooper classic? This is a loud one with disturbing images and plot points.  For a hidden gem, endure the first 35 minutes, and treat yourself to a gory and prurient story of the filthy rich and what they do to us poor schmucks.  See "Beverly Hills Massacre" and think about who needs to be paying more taxes in our country.

The Cosmic Man, Does He Mean Peace...or Conquest

Today we have another1950s B sci-fi classic with that old, tried and true, classic theme. You know the theme...do we annihilate the alien visitor, or do we try to communicate with it and make friends? Inevitably, we annihilate it...but in all fairness, that was probably the right choice. I mean, did Kurt Russell try to make friends with The Thing? No!  He took a flamethrower to it. Like you would have done differently! Okay, lets look at 1959's "The Cosmic Man," directed by Herbert S. Greene.

A UFO is tracked by radar and crashes into the mountains of a California town. The military sends war-hawk Colonel Matthews (Paul Langton), USAF. They also send the guy who invented the A-Bomb, Dr. Karl Sorenson (Bruce Bennett), a scientist who feels guilty about annihilating tens of thousands of Japanese. Matthews is suspicious the thing means bad news for Earth. Sorenson doesn't jump to conclusions and is intrigued by the fact that an inter-galactic visitor is inside the impenetrable orb that hovers a few feet off the ground. Along comes the beautiful blonde widow Kathy (Angela Greene). She drives up to the site in her convertible. She has an open mind and we figure she also has an open mind about which hunk to marry. Yeah, the two hunks represent both sides of a classic debate but both are bores.

What, or who is ever inside the orb comes out. The Cosmic Man (John Carradine) is invisible and goes to science labs to see what Earthlings are up to.  He decides the Earthlings are pre-occupied with war and annihilation and tries to warn them against this pursuit. Oh, The Cosmic Man, now visible, gets a room at Kathy's lodge, perhaps desiring to mate with beautiful blonde Earthlings. Can we blame him? Afterall, don't we all have urges after traveling billions of light years through space? The plot goes back and forth whether The Cosmic Man means peace, or interplanetary war. Kathy goes back and forth whether to marry the boring scientist or the hawk Colonel.  The military brings in fresh weapons. Dr. Sorenson brings in more probing scientific tools. The Cosmic Man gets ready to recite his demands on the confused Earthlings.  Kathy begins thinking of her biological clock.

Who will Kathy decide on, and is the inter-galactic visitor in the running?  Is Sorenson or the Colonel right and will friends be made, or enemies annihilated?  Just what is The Cosmic Man's intention on Earth, and would he be open to an inter-species relationship with an Earth blonde? This is a fun one, no doubt preaching against xenophobia.  Still, the possibility of outsiders desiring to murder you is a plot point kept open by the movie makers.  See "The Cosmic Man" and enjoy some neat 1950's B Movie treasures.  

Drakul, Vamps and Politicians Gone Wild

I'm trying to remember...it seems to me "Drakul" was a YouTube series almost a decade ago. Of late, it is on Tubi as a 70-minute movie...so I put it on. Why? When I first started this blog, one of the first films I did was "Mongolian Death Worm." It was the perfect film for my blog. Big slimy monsters and babes. Victoria Pratt was in it and so was Auradrone lead singer, Jon Mack. Both ladies appeared several times subsequently on my blog. Well, guess what...Jon Mcck is one of the stars of "Drakul" and she plays a vamp. A bloodsucker. So today we are going to look at 2017's "Drakul," directed by Michael Merino.

Senator Christian Drake (Lee Ordeman) is running for president. He'll win because he has made a pact with a vampire demon king. This union has mixed results and Drake's lovely wife (Tracy Teague) proves unreliable so she is offed. No matter, his vampire handler, Jezabeth (Mack) provides him with a whore (Joy Glass). This makes mourning difficult. A lot of forces are now mechanized to either stop Drake from becoming leader of the free world, or to ensure he does. The order of Drakul is very competent and most of their opponents are slaughtered...no matter how pretty they are. Dr. Stuart (Joe Estevez) seems to lead the most competent branch of opponents, but he seems almost as evil as the vampire cabal.

Jezabeth, a very elegant vamp, is quite persuasive and is able to control Drake into behaving and taking orders...though her allure probably has a lot to do with that. You know U.S. Senators...what a lot? Oh, being held prisoner is Drake's illegitimate son, some schmuck named David (Gabriel Voss). For now, he's just the buffet for two sultry vamps, but is being kept alive for some reason, not yet known. By the way, one of Jezabeth's henchwomen is Alexa (Elyse Dufour), and she is a dish! It should be noted that this is a serial and another one of these movies must be out there, I'll look.

Will the conspiracy theorists claim the vampire cabal is a metaphor for AIPAC?  Will Jezabeth and Alexa engage in a catfight over some demon king? Are vampire controlled U.S. Senators preferable to the ones we have now, who are not controlled by vampires...at least in the literal sense? Vampire and conspiracy enthusiasts will love "Drakul," and if there is another one, I will try to find it.

Tasmanian Devils, Danica McKellar Has a Flamethrower

She is mean.  She is armed. Armed with a flamethrower and attitude.  She snarls.  She grunts. Then, she pulls the trigger and her flamethrower fires! Soon, the ferocious monster is engulfed in flames. Threat neutralized. Milla Jovovich? Nope. Kate Beckinsale? Nope. The little girl from "The Wonder Years." Winnie, all grown up! She's aged well. You know who else is in this one... Apolo Ohno! Who is he? I don't remember but he used to be someone. He is a rotting corpse in this film, so let's not worry about him anymore. Our feature today is 2013's "Tasmanian Devils," directed by Zach Lipovsky.

Five base jumpers execute a 3000 foot plunge. Uh oh, Apolo Ohno goes 3100 feet and gets impaled by a stalagmite in an underground cavern. His blood reanimates six monsters, toothy Tasmanian Devils. The five other ones are then busted by three Tasmanian Park rangers, which include Alex (McKellar). Uh oh, the monster climb out of the cave and hunt down our humans. Two of the park rangers are eaten immediately. Now Alex must lead the other base jumpers through the Tasmanian wilderness and to safety. This won't be easy as the things attack and shred the humans one by one. Walsh (Terry Chen) builds a flamethrower and Alex chars one of the monsters. War breaks out. The monsters increase their attacks. Alex and base jumper Jayne (Kenneth Mitchell), a guy, get sweet on one another. It's so cute.

The creatures are on the offensive and the humans are trying to run back to the helicopter the base jumpers arrived on. This won't work and ends in an explosion and blood. Now they seek a weather tower. One by one the creatures pick off the humans. One by one, the humans pick off the creatures.  We don't much care for most of the characters, but when Alex uses a flamethrower on one of the critters, we are in love. Like most flamethrowers, sadly, it stops working. Now Alex and the surviving base jumpers must lick their wounds and come up with a better plan. They do, sadly it isn't that much better than their first two.

Will Alex and Jayne live to romance one another?  Is Apolo Ohno as a rotting corpse a metaphor for what happens to people when their 15 minutes of fame ceases? Danica McKellar as a Tasmanian Park Ranger? Seriously? Just go with it. I think I saw this one in 2013 on the Syfy Channel. Believe it or not it has some terrific scenes and however miscast Ms. McKellar is, we do love seeing her as a flamethrower wielding ranger.  See "Tasmanian Devil" and be prepared to be surprised at how much you enjoy this film.  

Queen of Lost Island, Julie Strain and a Big Sword

A big sword, and big...er, a big...smile! Yep, true exploitation from straight to video from the 90s. Some claim Julie Strain ad-libbed her swordplay, which takes up half the runtime in this film. Others insist she was invited to Japan and spent 12 months training and learning from real Samurai warriors. Lucky warriors! The wardrobe department had it easy, as Miss Strain appears as a naked and possessed babe seeking to possess the spirits of sultry swimsuit models and then have orgies with them. No, not a Kate Hudson film, and not a remake of "To Kill a Mockingbird," but 1994's "Queen of Lost Island" (aka "The Devil's Pet," or "Elixir: Queen of Lost Island"), directed by Donald G. Jackson.

Julie (Strain) goes to a South Pacific island to scout it for settings for a fashion/swimsuit shoot. With her is the pervert agent/promoter Damian (Steve Carr). The duo find a small bottle with an ancient elixir and both seem possessed to take a sip. Now Damian is the great evil god Pan, seeking to corrupt nubile babes with sex, and Julie is...well, a naked warrior with a big sword. Now all they need are models to corrupt. Damian summons fashion photographer Kenny (Nicholas Celozzi), and several beautiful, big smiled models. They arrive and Julie swings a mighty sword. Pheromones are rampant and the urge for sex is spread by Pan/Damian. One by one the models are hunted down by Julie or Damian, stripped, forced to drink the potion, then become ravenous sex machines. One of the models, Bobbi (Tina-Desiree Berg) is Kenny's favorite bikini-babe, and she is urged to take her top off. This was an easy endeavor by Kenny.  Then she seduces the photographer.

The other models are easy prey.  Before and after trying to flee in horror, they are caught and forced to drink. Now Pan has a small army of nude models to hunt down Kenny and Bobbi.  We have to stop here and admire how loyal the plot of this film is to the book. Orgies commence.  Lesbian orgies commence.  Julie Strain feels herself up while bathing in a stream...a lot!  Bobbi, even without being possessed, gives Kenny all the deviance he can handle.  Now Bobbi and Kenny realize the danger they are in as the hordes of naked models head their way.

How did you miss this one in 1994?  Is Julie's big sword a metaphor for...for...oh, never mind!  Was this Julie Strain vehicle an attempt by her to be cast as the lead in "The Last Samurai" ( a role eventually given to Tom Cruise)? This is...well...a gratuitous Julie Strain film. Nudity and nudity rule, with some help from deviant pre-marital sex. For an arousing guilty pleasure, see "Queen of Lost Island."  

The Cape Canaveral Monsters, Space Aliens Destroy Rockets

We have a good one today. A great 1950s-type B scifi film that just missed the 1950's.  The 1960 classic, "The Cape Canaveral Monsters" is maybe the best scifi film you have never seen.  Directed by Phil Tucker, and filled with cheese and beef, our feature today has fresh aliens who like to strip nubile Earth girls, and...well, you'll see. 

Two aliens in the form of green floating orbs have arrived, but need bodies. They murder a bathing beauty and Nadja (Katherine Victor) takes her body. Sadly, Hauron (Jason Johnson) murders the swimsuit babe's ugly boyfriend and must take his body. In the murders, The male loses an arm and the aliens keep trying to sew it back on. Sadly, it keeps falling off. Nadja, who is now a babe, is annoyed that her cohort is a one-armed guy with an ugly face...thus she is grouchy throughout the entire film. Hauron and Nadja were sent to Earth to ruin NASA's space program and collect Earth specimens for study...preferably nubile babes. They strip them and beam them up to their world. Hauron also uses some ray gun to shoot down all NASA's rocket launches. Now Nadja makes Hauron get a new face and they find Bob (Gary Travis). Now Nadja wants to suck face with Hauron.

Tim (Scott Peters) and Sally (Linda Connell) are two great looking college kids who work at NASA. They accidentally find the cave the aliens are holed up in. Both will be captured but Tim will escape and believes he has found a weakness for the aliens. Sally is stripped and Nadja wants to beam her up before the now handsome Hauron has his way with her. Tim tries to get help from the cops and the NASA soldiers.  The aliens are waiting for them.

Given Hauron's attraction to nude Earth-babes, will Nadja and Sally engage in a steamy catfight that could include lasers and alien chemicals?  As Nadja is more and more educated in Earth-babe swimsuits and undergarments, will she make herself more appealable to her own kind on her own planet? Oh yeah!  Will earth defeat these two raunchy aliens and be able to go forward with their space program?  This is a fun one and the love story between Sally and Tim blows away "Body Heat" and "Love Story."  For some fine B Movie action from yesteryear, see "The Cape Canaveral Monsters."    

Death Passage, Ghost In Australia

Yep, one from Australia today. Though as the years have gone by Aussie horror has become more mainstream and less identifiable with the Land Down Under. Oz-ploitation seems to be a term for yesteryear. Italian horror is similar, no longer Giallo...sad. Still, we do have a creepy one about a ghost wanting vengeance. Our feature today is 2014's "Death Passage" (aka "Lemon Tree Passage"), directed by David Campbell.

Three great looking vacationing young Americans find themselves at the beach. The sultry Maya (Jessica Tovey) is with the babe Amelia (Pippa Black) and her brother Toby (Tim Pocock). At the beach they meet two fun Aussies, the weird Oscar (Andrew Ryan) and the hunk Geordie (Tim Phillips). Yep, Maya and Geordie fall in love. What could go wrong? The otherworldly, that's what! Seems there is a recent urban legend Oscar lets them in on. If one drives really fast on Lemon Tree Passage Road, a bright light appears behind the car. They have to see for themselves and do it...and guess what. Yep. The bright light? Let's talk about Sam (Nicholas Gunn). He seems to have secrets and some evil forces converging on him. The evil forces try to get him to commit suicide, or order him to "find her." Find who? Okay, whatever that bright light is, it begins tormenting Geordie, Maya, Amelia, and Toby.

Now Maya develops some weird psychic connection with something from the other side. She sees some horrible act of violence against a girl (Piera Shannon). Now Sam, desperate to stay alive, follows orders and heads into the wilderness to look for...well, you'll see. He doesn't find it, it finds him. Now the others drive back to that weird road and try to recreate their feat. Mistake. Now the evil entity turns homicidal and in the weirdest ways, people begin dying. Maya, on the other hand, seems to be beckoned by some spirit and eventually possessed. Sam turns crazy and whatever force is in the woods, Sam wants to kill it. Fat chance. The secrets are revealed and we see what this entity is, or who it was. Maya may be the human vessel that the spirit uses to further its wrath of vengeance.

Will any of these great looking characters survive the bright light of Lemon Tree Passage Road? Will the evil spirit enjoy intimacy with Geordie just as Maya did?  Will Maya be able to break free of the spirit before all her friends are dead? This is a creepy ghost story and its strength is definitely the great looking cast. Perhaps the scares are mild, but we do like looking at the characters in peril. See "Death Passage" and take in a not too surprising, but still satisfying ghost story. 

Killer Fish, Brazil, a Heist, Explosions, a Hurricane, and Piranhas

Lee Majors! Karen Black! Margaux Hemingway! Marisa Berenson! James Franciscus! Powerhouses of the 1970s, movies and TV. Other than the Lee Majors TV show "The Fall Guy," the 1980s sort of left these peeps behind.  Today we look at an action packed heist/disaster/monster movie from 1979 that was partially financed by Lee Majors and his then wife, Farrah Fawcett..."Killer Fish," directed by Antonio Margheriti. Shot in Brazil, it has as antagonists hundreds of thousands toothy menaces we know as piranha.

A heist...and it is beautiful. Robert (Majors) and Kate (Black) lead a team that will rob a vault of emeralds. A diversion? No, not a smoke bomb, or a fire alarm...nope. The buggers blow up a power plant! You gotta love it! Explosions galore. They crack a safe and get away with a fortune in jewels. The heist was financed by Kate's man, Paul (Franciscus). He has a heart condition and Kate tries to give him heart attacks by making passionate love to him. Robert? Kate really loves him, but he falls for the fashion model, Gabrielle (Hemingway). Okay, Ann (Berenson) owns a clothing line and her and her husband Tom (Gary Collins) are there to enjoying a work-honeymoon. Oh! Remember Dan Pastorini? He played under Bum Phillips with the old Houston Oilers...Earl Campbell was on that team. He's one of the gang members. He'll be eaten by piranhas.

See, after getting away with the jewels, as planned, the gang tosses the spoils into a lake by a dam. They don't know Paul has put thousands of piranha in the lake as an extra means of security. So when gang members try to steal the gems, they're eaten. How long after the robbery does it take for the gang to turn on itself? 60 seconds. Kate would like to take the gems and be off with Robert. Robert doesn't trust Kate and has a lot of pre-marital sex with Gabrielle. Now all go try to get the box of gems but a hurricane and tornado destroy the dam and the boat they're on starts sinking in piranha infested water. The boat slowly sinks and Paul figures on betraying everyone by absconding with the gems and leaving everyone else to be eaten by piranhas.  First he has to get them. He seduces Kate to dive in and get them...that's all for the plot in this review.

Will Kate come back up with the gems, or will only her skeleton come up? Will Gabrielle and Kate get into a catfight over the Six-Million Dollar Man?  After Dan Pastorini gets ingested, will terry Bradshaw be recruited into the gang. This one has a lot of action and even works as a disaster film.  The cheesecake factor is top-notch and so is the beefcake factor. For a nice nostalgic look back at the 70s, see "Killer Fish."