Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Alone in the Dark, Monsters, A Cult, and Machine Guns

Uwe Boll! Even better, Uwe Boll does an Atari video game. I loved the BloodRayne films, but this time, instead of vampires, we have vicious creatures...a lot of them, and lots of tactical soldiers with machine guns, and also Tara Reid. Because Uwe Boll directed and Tara Reid stars, the idiots of IMDB gave 2005's "Alone in the Dark" 2.3/10 stars. In reality, Tara Reid is a far better actress than Scalett Johansson and Uwe Boll is a far better movie maker than J.J. Abrams. My guess is that Mr. Boll and Ms. Reid refused to prostitute themselves to the Harvey Weinsteins' of Hollywood.
We've all done it. Fortunately we catch it in time to avoid an apocalypse. However, here, when a door is opened between the world of light and the world of darkness, it isn't shut in time. An ancient cult created vicious monsters that came through the door. Present day, 20 orphans are commandeered by a mad scientist, Professor Hudgens (Matthew Walker). They are made into a monstrous mini-army. One kid escapes and 20 years later Edward (Christian Slater) has become a paranormal investigator determined to end the ancient threat. As Professor Hudgens collects the necessary artifacts needed to spread the evil scourge throughout the world, Edward and his GF Aline (Reid) uncover the plot and fight back.
Also fighting back is an elite government (I guess these are essential employees) paranormal tactical unit headed by Burke (Stephen Dorff), and he has a small army with machine-gun wielding soldiers. As a zombie like force is summoned, those aforementioned orphans with a centipede like creature wrapped around their vertebrae, attacks and seeks to kill Edward and Aline, steal the artifacts they have found, and forever unlock the door separating the world of light from the world of darkness. The war will be a vicious one and the creatures will kill a ton of soldiers. As Edward unlocks the mystery of the ancient evil cult, and figures out where their base of operations is, he and Aline attempt to take the fight to the forces of evil.
Will Edward, Aline, and the government paranormal unit ward off and defeat hundreds of toothy creatures from the underworld? Is this particular government unit immune from partial government shutdowns when continuing resolutions run out? Will Tara Reid grab a machine gun become a beautiful blonde slayer, instead of a mere damsel in much distress looking to be rescued by Christian Slater? "Alone in the Dark" is action packed with a lot of war scenes between monsters and machine-gun wielding g-men (and g-women). For a non-preachy and fun film, watch this one over any of the stupid superhero films.


  1. Wonderful review and I agree with you100%

  2. nice one, touched all bases, shame you didnt play Mr. Paranormal Investigator , perhaps you did!!

  3. Nice review Christopher & thanks for explaining this one, haven't seen since back in the day & remember scratching my head all throughout it muttering "wtf is going on here?!" lol. I keep intending to revisit this one as I find Boll an unfairly maligned director actually & find some of his genre flicks quite watchable overall. Thanks for the reminder & nice review again mate.