Curse of Pirate Death, Buccaneer Ghost Shreds Hunks and Babes

Julia Galasso is an amazing actress.  Her bikini-shoot scene relegates all the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models to Third Class spinsters.  The leopard print string-bikini speaks to us as she thrusts her hips, juts her chest...and pouts.  Sadly, what comes next is an excruciating death scene for the beauty in which a monster pirate's hand is thrust through her sultry blonde head and out her mouth.  Still, her performance is classic and representative of the entire 2006 film "Curse of Pirate Death," directed by Dennis Devine.

Hundreds of years ago, Abraham LaVoy, also known as Pirate Death (Mitch Toles) takes over a peaceful coastal colony from merchants and farmers.  Him and his pirates will slaughter most of the townsfolk as Pirate Death will bury his treasure in that town.  He'll fall in love with a nubile lass, be cursed by a witch, and betrayed and murdered by his greedy crew. Fast forward a few centuries, Professor Blackheart (Sally Mullins) teaches her history class about the pirates and Pirate Death.  She enjoys lesbian foot and tickle  fetishes with large breasted coeds.  In fairness, slimy guy professors enjoy groping her breasts to see if they are real.  During a bikini party at her pool, she tasks her babe and hunk students to research and find the treasure.

Sadly, the treasure is cursed.  Anyone who gets near it suffers the wrath of Pirate Death.  Two BDSM influenced sorority gals will be shredded by the monster's hook.  Others will be skewered by Death's sword.  Throats will be ripped out, coeds will tangle in catfights, beautiful faces will be ripped off, and swimsuit shoots will end in bloody carnage.  Wait!  One of the students, Lily (Dana Marsh), a nubile blonde in a bikini, is the reincarnation of Death's fiancé and the fiend wants her back.  Now all of Lily's friends, hunk and bikini-babe, are in mortal danger as Lily is drawn into a trance in which she becomes her unfortunate descendant. 

What ever happened to Miss Galasso, and why wasn't she given the role as a cat-suited superhero in her own show (maybe she refused to sleep with Harvey Weinstein)?  Will any of the bikini babes survive Pirate Death or catfights with one another?  Will any of the hunks in this film do anything worthwhile? Gore, cheese, beef, and Julia Galasso in a bikini...all fabulous reasons to see "Curse of Pirate Death."

Daughter of Darkness, Psycho Vampire

What do we get when we cross the creator of "Re-Animator," Stuart Gordon with Norman Bates, aka Anthony Perkins? We get a vampire film! The legendary Stuart Gordon never fails at horror. Though the plot may be classic, Anthony Perkins as the king vampire is so neat to see. Let us take a look at 1990's "Daughter of Darkness."

After her mom dies, the beautiful and nubile Katherine (Mia Sara) leaves America for Transylvania to find her missing dad. Yeah...like we don't know how this is going to turn out. She arrives in Romania and starts snooping, ticking off the secret police, U.S. State Department, and a clan of vampires. Thanks to a helpful, too helpful, cab driver named Max (Dezso Garas), she starts looking in the right places. Hunk diplomat Devlin (Jack Coleman) is sweet on her but tries to get Katherine to end her search. Then, with a vague address on an old photograph, she meets Anton (Perkins). Katherine won't find this out in time, but Anton is not only her dad, but also king of the vampires.

Uh oh...she also meets Gregore (Robert Reynolds), a musician and major international hunk. Again, Katherine has no clue Gregore is also a vampire. In fact, the stud is plotting to oust Anton as vampire king and take the throne, himself. Katherine, too willing to engage in pre-marital sex, makes some bad choices. When she finally does smarten up, she starts fighting the vampire clan and choosing her own love partners. Desperate to know her dad, she concocts a wild plan to wipe out the vampires and save her Anton. Along the way she will be witness to a horrific dungeon of blood donors and also be slated to become vampire queen.

Will Katherine choose pre-marital sex with the living or the dead? Can vampire king Anton be saved from the young buck Gregore? Is the vampire clan a metaphor for the reign of terror of the rule of Romanian dictator Nicolea Ceausescu? Okay, forget about deep messages, we have Norman Bates as a toothy vampire joining forces with an American babe...enough said, enjoy "Daughter of Darkness." 

The Phantom Empire, Leather Clad Vixens and Cave Bunnies

See Sybil Danning as a leather clad alien queen wielding a big sword and cleavage.  See Michelle Bauer as a cave bunny clad in a prehistoric bikini engaging in topless catfights with other cave bunnies.  See a leather clad vixen take down a T-Rex.  Yep, a Fred Olen Ray film, 1988's "The Phantom Empire."  Babes, monsters, spears, and ripped off bikini tops will enthrall you in this epic B movie.

The beautiful Denae (Suzy Stokey) hires two private eye adventurers, Cort (Ross Hagen) and Eddy (Dawn Wildsmith) to take her on an expedition to find a lost world beneath the Earth's surface teeming with diamonds.  A professor from Miskatonic University, Andrew (Jeffrey Combs), and Count Yorga himself, (Robert Quarry) join the adventure.  Quarry plays Professor Strock.  The team finds the underground empire quickly and run into cave dwelling cannibals that try to make Denae into rotisserie babe.  The team saves her, kills many of the cannibals and battle a laser shooting Robby the Robot.  They run into a cave bunny (Bauer), who jiggles nicely in her bikini.  She is in love with Andrew.

Finally the queen shows up, wielding a tight leather outfit, silver boots and a big sword.  She'll take Andrew as her sex toy and gives the others to spear wielding cave bunnies.  The aforementioned catfight occurs as Michelle Bauer loses her top.  Now jiggling better, the team must battle dinosaurs and free Andrew.  Desiring diamonds, our team is not in a rush to leave.  Now they'll have to battle Sybil Danning, more dinosaurs, and more cave bunnies.  Do you need anything more?

I know what you are all asking...will Sybil Danning and Michelle Bauer engage in a mud soaked catfight?  Will the alien queen corrupt the otherwise clean cut Miskatonic University professor?  Does Count Yorga have any surprises for this nubile and jiggling civilization?  Perfection!  It is a mystery why Hollywood pushes "Moonfall" on all of us when a perfect storyline can be found in 80s epics made by Fred Olen Ray.  For a prurient good time, see "The Phantom Empire." 

Noah's Shark, The Shark Sayeth the Lord

If you have never perused Genesis, you should.  Read it as the first book of the Bible...then read it in light of what you have read in the New Testament.  Avoid extra-biblical texts (diversions) and concentrate on what God wants you to know.  Then read it in the light of those extra-Biblical texts and find out about the shark that tormented Noah's family.  There are many reasons not to be distracted by extra-Biblical texts, 2021's "Noah's Shark" is one of those.  Directed by Mark Polonia, this film is so much fun.

Thousands of years ago, Noah's son Zadkiel (Kevin Coolidge) is fooled by a satanic creature, a shark who wants a ride on the ark.  Noah already has two sharks and doesn't want a third.  Zadkiel smuggles the demonic fish on board only to have Noah throw him off.  The shark eats Zadkiel and will torment humanity in the millenniums to come.  Fast forward to today, Father Benna (Jeff Kirkendall) is on the verge of having his reality show, Next Door Exorcism, cancelled.  Alan (Polonia), is his producer/cameraman who is always looking for new ideas.  The viewing public is skeptical of Benna's on-air exorcisms...damned doubters! 

Benna's buddy Buster (Ryan Dalton) brings Benna a possessed plank taken during an expedition to Noah's ark.  Now Benna is convinced to trek to the ark, high on Mount Ararat, and find the ark.  The priest has visions of the demon shark, controlled by the Witch of Endor.  Buster enlists a feisty mercenary babe, Jed (Jamie Morgan).  With her machine gun, she leads the party through Iran on the way up the mountain ...don't ask.  Now the evil Witch of Endor and the demonic shark are set on destroying the expedition and spreading their evil throughout the globe.  Gritty reality...especially if you are bent on extra-Biblical texts, like the Book of Zadkiel.

Will Father Benna and his party make it up Mount Ararat without being eaten by the shark?  Are Great White sharks the reason why the Ark of the Covenant has yet to be found?  Will the Polonia Brothers tackle the 10 Commandments, next?  For a great film to discuss in your next Bible study, delve into "Noah's Shark."   

 

Bigfoot vs. Krampus, Bigfoot Bakes Gingerbread Men Cookies

So sweet.  And a belated Merry Christmas to all of you.  What conveys the Christmas spirit more than a big furry cryptid baking cookies?  Yep, we got bigfoot, the exterminator, Lucifer, the monster shark thing, and a half dozen other monsters in our feature today, "Bigfoot vs. Krampus," directed by BC Fourteen. With "Moonfall" about to hit theaters, save yourself the 12 bucks for the ticket and stay home and watch this creature/scifi film.

Okay, Krampus is the latest being trying to finish off the remnants of humanity.  The horned Christmas demon wages war on the sultry Princess Kali (Carli Rader).  Her mother ship carries the last survivors of Earth's destruction.  Kranpus has already blown away the queen and the Atlantians, Kali's biggest ally.  Kali isn't helpless, but she is pregnant with Van Helsing's (Marco Guzman) baby.  Her pregnancy means refraining from sex, thus Van Helsing feels dejected and flees for intergalactic strip clubs.  This leaves Bigfoot (also, Mr. Guzman) to assist Kali and her morning sickness through a final battle.

Krampus talks too much and receives several offers of assistance by fellow human haters.  Lucifer himself makes generous offers and soon the horned deity has the most evil allies in the universe assisting his efforts.  Space battle drama ensues and great battlestars will be blown to bits.  Pregnant or not, Kali has sass and will be intimidated by no one, or no thing! 

Will Van Helsing grow up and come back to help his buddies, Kali and Bigfoot?  Do the evil deities of the universe finally have what it takes to cooperate and destroy the remains of humanity?  Should pregnant babes with morning sickness be allowed to control battlestars?  I'm sure Adama would not approve.  Get into these BC Fourteen space and cryptic sagas as I promise you there will be more.  For some animated fun, see "Bigfoot vs. Krampus."

Medusa, Nubile and Aroused Babe Becomes Monster

Okay...I can hear it already.  You divorced guys...shush!  I will try to refrain from labelling this film a metaphor for all women.  Just because we have a beautiful woman who becomes a man-hating monster during or after pre-marital sex...doesn't mean we have to look at this film as a metaphor for all women.  I know you divorced guys out there will disagree.  Let us take a look at 2020's "Medusa," directed by Matthew B.C. 

She's a failure...Carly (Megan Purvis).  She left the gypsy trailer park to pursue a singing career in the big city.  This crashed.  Her heroin problem did not help...neither did her choice in men.  She picked real doozies...probably dealers.  Now she is back at the trailer park turning tricks and doing low level dealing.  John (Ricardo Freitas) forced her to deal heroin and the women of the trailer park are expected to be whores.  Val (Nicola Wright) is sort of the "caring" madam of the gals.  After visiting the trailer of a weird guy, Carly is bitten on the inner thigh by a serpent.  Don't even go there with symbolism!  Now Carly is slowly turning into a monster.

Turns out a weird lady named Alexis (Jamila Wingett) owns that trailer and she is a bit of a witch...or something.  Now Carly is shedding skin, developing scales, growing fangs, and spitting venom.  Now stop it...I am not going to say "typical woman," here.  Still turning tricks, Carly starts biting her men, including John, and murdering them.  The transformation continues and Carly fast becomes a snake-woman.  She doesn't need heroin anymore as now she has a fix even more potent...you'll see.

Is there any turning back for Carly, or is she headed down a path all women head down?  Ooh!  I didn't mean to say that or imply all women are monster snakes.  As the men start dying, what will happen to the rest of the prostitutes in this trailer park?  I'm going to stop here as the temptation to make unfair comparisons and metaphors is too tempting.  For all you guys who have been bitten by women, see "Medusa," and view a familiar story.  

Up Against Amanda, Psycho-Babe and Hot Tub Sex

Okay, she's sultry and has a proclivity for steamy sex in the hot tub.  I understand...she's also completely psycho.  True, calling her a homicidal maniac is fair.  After all, shoving a curling iron up her psychiatrist's anus and letting it cook for an hour is not the behavior of a well adjusted babe in 2022.  Still, aren't all women psycho?  Today we look at 2000's "Up Against Amanda," directed by Michael Rissi.

Amanda (Justine Priestley) is the aforementioned psycho babe.  After eight years in an asylum for the criminally insane, she seduced her doctor (John Alan Richards) to discharge her.  Of course, her doctor wants to be paid for that and sets Amanda up in a nice house in the burbs.  Her first night there, she stuffs her curling iron up the doctor's posterior while he is chained to the bed.  Now her neighbor, Richard (David DeWitt), catches her eye.  He has great muscles and Amanda wants him.  Lucky for her, Richard is married to Laurie (Karen Grosso).  Laurie wants to make it big in Vegas and it doesn't look like her plans include Richard.

Amanda moves in as Laurie is away indefinitely.  A very hot seduction scene occurs in Richard's jacuzzi.  Of course, Richard does not know she killed his dog and wired his whole house with video surveillance cameras and has bugged his phone.  Now Laurie, sensing she did wrong, comes back to Richard.  Amanda plots Laurie's demise, and anyone else who might get in her way.  Psycho Amanda is smart and we actually like her more than Laurie.  Sure Amanda is psycho...but Laurie sings like a wounded cow.  

Will Amanda kill Laurie?  Will Richard ever choose psycho over the non-talented wife with a voice like a garbage disposal?  Are we being too judgmental in shying away from homicidal and psycho (especially if the hot tub sex is out of this world)?  For a fine erotic thriller, see "Up Against Amanda," and realize a little murder and obsession can add a couple degrees to your Jacuzzi's water temperature.