Frankenstein vs. The Mummy, Two Classics Square Off

It is not easy to find a beautiful Egyptologist...I guess we all know that. Best bet for that quest is to delve into the movies, more specifically 2015's "Frankenstein vs. The Mummy." Yep, the lovely Ashton Leigh is our object of desire in this one. In our film today the sultry Ms. Leigh plays the aforementioned Egyptologist. At first glance her character is written in this film to offer some eye candy...the men around her control the plot. She gets emotional a lot and everyone at one time or another tells her to "calm down." Then Frankenstein's monster actually meets the mummy and bang!!!! Our beautiful Egyptologist controls the plot.

We meet Victor Frankenstein (Max Rhyser)...a hunk (no Colin Clive is he). He's chilling at a New York University medical school trying not to let on about his experiments in Switzerland. Yep..you know what experiments I speak of. He has found an abandoned hospital nearby where he is...well, you know what he's doing in there. Enter Naihla Khalil (Leigh)...sultry Egyptologist. Her boss is studying a mummy they just found...an evil pharaoh. Victor and Naihla will fall in love and have pre-marital sex, then Victor will tell her to calm down.

Yep...Victor's experiment comes alive and it is evil to the max. The mummy (Brandon deSpain) does the same and it is also evil. Both the mummy and Frankenstein's creature want to rape and dismember Naihla. Both cause much carnage and the police get involved. Here again Naihla is told to clam down as she calls 911 reporting a creature trying to rape her. The mummy is convinced Naihla is an ancient priestess who cursed him and the creature (Constantin Tripes) knows she is Victor's love interest. The mummy needs our excitable babe to remove the centuries old curse, and the creature needs to possess and soil Naihla in order to get Victor to...well, you'll see. Then the two monsters meet and it will be such a beautiful thing.

Who will win, the fight and the affections of the pretty Egyptologist, the mummy or the creature? Will Naihla ever calm down? Is Naihla's perceived excitability just an illustration of how men fear a women with passion? "Frankenstein vs. The Mummy" may be flawed (Victor Frankenstein as a hunk?) but it is so much fun including an ambitious and gory last 20 minutes. If women who need to calm down is your thing, see "Frankenstein vs. The Mummy," directed by Damien Leone.

Don't Look In the Attic, Ghosts Italian Style

Beba Loncar is the great Serbian actress you always hear about. Okay, maybe not great...and maybe you have never heard of her...but she is pretty enough to appear in an Italian horror film...which should have made her a hero in her native Belgrade. Besides, what a name! Beba Loncar! I'm definitely going to name a character after her in an upcoming novel. Say it with me...Beba Loncar! Her beauty gets her top billing in 1982's "Don't Look In the Attic," though in reality she should have gotten sixth or seventh billing. Ah, the perks of being really good looking.

In 1955 ghosts possess a family at an Italian villa turning them into homicidal maniacs. All will die. Present day a weird law firm,which Martha (Loncar) is a secretary for, conducts a reading of the will. The surviving children of the 1955 carnage inherit the place but must live there. Elisa (Annarita Grapputo) has been contacted by the ghost of her mom who died in the massacre. Nothing too dramatic, just warnings like "DON'T COME!" She shows up with her two estranged and weird brothers, Bruno (Fausto Lombardi) and Tony (Tonino Campa). Also arriving is Bruno's beautiful wife Sonia (Ileana Fraia). No one really pays any attention to Sonia even when she is the first to die.

Meanwhile Bruno angles to take sole possession of the villa. He plans to kill Tony and rape and marry Elisa. This won't go well. Meanwhile again, Beba Loncar tries to rekindle an affair with a lawyer in the law firm she works at. Oh yes, the sultry Ms. Loncar, as Martha, also researches the occult (don't ask). Largely irrelevant to the plot, Beba Loncar is too pretty to be ignored. When her sometimes lover Ugo (Jean-Pierre Aumont) is mysteriously murdered, she rushes over to the haunted villa. As the villa is about to be graced with the arrival of Beba Loncar, Elisa fends off rape attempts by her brother and finds her dead mother's diary...and it is revealing.

What will Beba Loncar do when she reaches the haunted villa? Will the ghosts turn their focus from the plain-Jane Elisa once the sultry Serbian comes through the gates? Will Bruno forget about impregnating his sister once the Beba Loncar barges in? There are a lot of questions answered at the conclusion of this Italian horror film. Perhaps not the best Italian horror film out there, but a pretty good vehicle for the incomparable Beba Loncar. "Don't Look In the Attic" is directed by Carlo Ausino and is a pretty atmospheric ghost story.

Robowar, Humanity Hanging in the Balance

Apocalyptic wastelands are such beautiful things. Think of it...reduced to rubble are strip-malls, section eight housing complexes, and hideous football stadiums that your tax dollars financed. A good cleaning is needed for our ruined landscapes and skylines. Film wise, they provide such wonderful settings for deep human drama that can touch all of us. Hence 2018's "Robowar" (aka "Battle Bots") directed by the fantastic Mark Polonia and starring good buddy Jeff Kirkendall.

In 2039 nuclear war has decimated humanity. In America, two small groups of humans battle for survival. Caesar (Kirkendall) is a maniacal leader of a cult bent of replacing people with vicious robots (okay...maybe not a bad idea). Robots are apparently more obedient and don't require maternity leave and can't sue you. Then there are the rebels. These freedom fighters are clad in steampunk accessories and led by Drax (Tim Hatch). Two babe rebels make up America's last women, Luna (Danielle Donahue) and Scorpion (Marie DeLorenzo). They are both hot for Drax, who is a hunk in a Grade C film type of way.

Oh yes, the rebels fearing annihilation restore an old mining robot. A cute yellow thing. A rebel mutant named Squirrel (James Kelly), who just happens to have three faces, helps get the robot back on-line. Now the rebels might have a chance. Uh oh, Caesar is on to them and sends his evil robot and it demolishes our yellow friend. Even worse, he abducts the lovely Luna with the intention of marrying and breeding with her. Luna isn't keen on this plan. As Caesar sends his henchmen-mutants and the evil robot for a last offensive against Drax and the rebels, Drax tries to mount a counter-offensive to save humanity and Luna's chastity (okay, perhaps that word is a bit of an exaggeration).

Can the rebels and their inferior yellow mechanical friend fend off Caesars' offensive? With only mutants and badly deformed hunks available, should Luna change her attitude about marrying Caesar? How about Squirrel...are his three faces a metaphor for his trustworthiness? This is a fun one and Jeff Kirkendall as a Darth Vader like figure will make you forget all those awful "Star Wars" films. For some real science fiction entertainment, avoid the vomit inducing Avengers films and take in "Robowar." 

Butterfly Kisses, Found Footage Hoax?

Hoax? Maybe. Urban legends are prime material for documentary film makers. One can't blame a local film maker for going out and creating a documentary on a local urban legend. Uh oh...if your documentary video leads to a found footage film ten years later...well, you may have suffered the same fate as Amelia Earhart or D.B. Cooper. In 2018's "Butterfly Kisses" you will learn of the fate of a local Maryland film student who decided to get to the bottom of an urban legend. The Maryland settings and cast would have made Don Dohler proud.

Pretty film student Sophia (Rachel Armiger) and her trustee cameraman Feldman (Reed DeLisle) embark on a class project to document a local legend, Peeping Tom. This specter haunts an abandoned B&O Railroad tunnel. Legend has it, much like "Candyman," if you peer down the tunnel at midnight without blinking, the thing will appear to you. Even worse, every time you blink the  fiend will get nearer until...well you'll see. You can guess what happens and now our film-making duo must deal with a spooky legend drawing nearer and nearer to them every time they blink. As Sophia and Feldman get increasingly unhinged something otherworldly draws near. Then...no spoilers here, but it is quite horrifying.

Wait! Could this be a hoax? Ten years later enter Gavin (Seth Adam Kallick). He's a film-maker who just so happens to have found all of Sophia's footage. Sophia? Missing...or never existed. Gavin is a fourth-rate P.T. Barnum and smells a good film. With huge credibility problems, debt, and a history of deception, Gavin puts together all of Sophia's videotapes. Now he must market the collection. Big problem, no one believes Gavin or the legend. Experts are called in...experts in the paranormal, myth, and video...they all say Gavin's project is a hoax. As we continue to see the horrific demise of Sophia and Feldman (which may be faked), Gavin is met with increasing hostility by the public, his family, and a film crew filming his plight. Just when we are sure Sophia's 2005 effort and Gavin's 2015 effort are a hoax...again, no spoilers here, but before this film ends, you will have seen a horror movie.

Have two Maryland film-makers engaged in an elaborate hoax? Is there anything to the legend of Peeping Tom and the haunted tunnel? Just because someone is part con-man, part promoter, does that necessitate that he is a fraud? Erik Kristopher Myers has done a fine job in making "Butterfly Kisses," which will leave you with a very uneasy feeling and also get you to jump out of your recliner a time or two.

Legion, Space Hunks and Space Babes vs. Creature

Versus a creature? Maybe. What a cast though...the sultry Terry Farrell...Parker Stevenson...Troy Donahue...pop star Rick Springfield...and Corey Feldman. This is an ambitious straight to video epic with lots of gore, spaceships, sweaty space babes and hunks, and war...oh yeah...a creature...maybe. Hence 1998's "Legion" which badly recreates themes from "Predator," "Alien," and "The Thing," but as a whole this one is so much fun.

The very pretty Major Agatha Doyle (Farrell), looking real good in her army uniform, is given command over a group of hardened military criminals. Rapists, murderers, deserters, religious fanatics, torturers, etc. Yep, a suicide mission is at hand. Invade and take control of an enemy base on an alien planet. Her second in command is lifer Captain Aldrich (Stevenson) who was just about to be put into the gas chamber. The team lands on the planet and invade the base...surprise, no one is there...deserted. Thinking they have an easy victory the team is then beset by something or someone who begins to pick them apart one by one.

Is there a monster there picking them off? Or is it one of the criminals in Doyle's command? One of the solders, Karlson (Gretchen Palmer) is a nymphomaniac and is killed while having pre-marital sex with it or him...or her. Now paranoia sets in and Doyle is having trouble keeping her new unit loyal to her. Aldrich comes to her defense but this act may be too late. The spacebabes don't fare well and either do the hunks. As throats get torn out and the beast (or man...or woman) goes through Doyle's unit like crap through a goose, the sweaty Doyle comes to some uncomfortable realizations about the true nature of her current mission.

With the shredding of the spacebabes in her command does Doyle have a chance with the very handsome Parker Stevenson? Is the killer a beast...or one of the hardened criminals sprung from the prison for this mission? What is in Doyle's past that got her selected to lead this suicide mission? This is an action packed scifi/horror film drawing on plot devices of some of the best horror films of the 70s, 80s, and 90s. The sweaty Terry Farrell and boyish Parker Stevenson will keep fans of cheesecake and beefcake satisfied. "Legion" (directed by Jon Hess) is a perfect scifi/horror story for a rainy Friday movie night.

Litereature Review: Velvet Dreams

Flying spider aliens...A sultry alien addicted to Meth...Homicidal virtual friend...and so much more in Jeff Dosser's new book Velvet Dreams. In this volume of short stories, Mr. Dosser has created 10 action packed, and horror filled tales that are so much fun. With the ambition of Isaac Asimov, and the ominous imagination of Poe or King, the Dosser stories are original and pull in elements that are both familiar to us and alien to the world we think we live in.

No spoilers here but I can tell you that my favorite one is "First Bite." Okay, I'm a sucker for babes in horror and scifi. We meet Eve and she's on a mission. Too sultry to stick to the playbook, she gets herself gang raped by what end up being very unfortunate good ole boys. What she does next is only mildly as interesting as what happens to her on this planet Earth. You will love it. Other dimensions, doggy doors, and macabre recipes also are included in Mr. Dosser's plot devices that may make you gasp...laugh...or re-evaluate the manner in which you view seemingly ordinary devices in your existence.

Some of these stories have a "Twilight Zone" feel to them, but others are full scale scifi epics, condensed in a few short pages. A heroic battle to save a new planetary home for Earthlings is raged as you will be introduced to the Solar Knights. Black holes and cryo-sleep will take hold in a story that takes us to a space ship the size of a Caribbean island filled with expectant pilgrims. As we endure mindless super-hero films and unwanted sequels, it is nice to see there are indeed writers with originality and imaginations that have a story to tell like Jeff Dosser.

For a fast-paced jaunt through the horrific corners of Earth that are unseen and also to far reaches of alien galaxies, find Velvet Dreams this April on Amazon. To order Velvet Dreams on Amazon click on the link below.
Velvet Dreams by Jeff Dosser

Battledogs, CGI Wolves Conquer New York City

The Big Apple infested with werewolves? Okay, stop it...I can hear you remark, "Is that any worse than what's going on in New York now?" Our friends at The Asylum and Syfy have delivered a very ambitious werewolf film that may spell the end of America's Gotham...for the sake of arguments we'll assume that isn't a good thing. The thousands of werewolves that will descend on New York will be CGI creations, but they are cute and ferocious at the same time making 2013's "Battledogs" fun for the whole family (okay, maybe not the whole family).

Beautiful wildlife photographer Donna Voorhees (Ariana Richards)  is bitten by a wolf in the Yukon. She is now 'patient zero.' Upon landing at Kennedy Airport she becomes a wolf and attacks everyone in the airport. Those not killed are now werewolves. As hundreds of wolves now infest JFK, Wes Studi commands an army unit who gasses them all. Upon being gassed the wolves turn human again and are brought to a U.S. Army quarantine facility at Ward's Island. There they are kept calm as the low-energy Major Brian (Craig Sheffer) joins the beautiful Dr. Goodman (Kate Vernon) to find a cure. The humans are kept calm as if their pulse rates get too high they turn.

Uh oh...the evil General Monning (Dennis Haysbert) and Wes Studi want to weaponize these werewolves and replace soldiers with them. Great idea which always works out so well in these movies. Donna is caught in the middle as the milquetoast Major Brian becomes sweet on her. Now the U.S. Army turns their efforts to converting former citizens to monster soldiers. As Donna, Major Brian, and Dr. Goodman are appalled by the general's plan, the patients get increasingly unstable and of course turn. Now hundreds of werewolves attack the U.S. Army at Ward's Island and flock to the bridges and subways and into Manhattan. Now the president (Bill Duke) wants to nuke New York (he must be a Republican because New York has several dozens of electoral votes that always go to the Dems.

If New York is nuked will California be next assuring that someday Jeb Bush gets to be president? Will the beautiful Donna and her ability to turn into a wolf be a factor in defeating the U.S. Army plot to create wolf-soldiers? Will Donna and the beautiful Dr. Goodman have a cat-fight (...er...I guess wolf vs. cat fight) over the inept Major Brian? This is an ambitious one and the results for the City of New York will be mixed. For some nice werewolf fun enjoy "Battledogs," directed by Alexander Yellen.