Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Lesbian Vampire Killers, Revenge of the Babes

The immediate confusion in "Lesbian Vampire Killers" is what does the title denote?  Is this a film about lesbians setting forth to kill themselves some bloodsuckers?  Or is it a gang of Van Helsing wannabes tracking down vampires, who are also lesbians?  The latter applies...though both the aforementioned story lines would have worked for this blog. In this 2009 film, we have lots of lesbian vampires, all sultry babes (...however undead, they are), and lots of gratuitous lesbian make-out scenes.  Oh yes....we have a neat plot, that is interspersed with these alluring make-out let us take a look at "Lesbian Vampire Killers."
A long time ago, a heroic baron ridded the village of Cragwich of the evil lesbian vampire queen, Carmilla (Silvia Colloca). Just before the baron be-heads her, Carmilla puts a curse of Cragwich, dooming every female in that village to lesbian-vampirism upon their 18th birthday. Present day, Jimmy (Matthew Horne) and Fletch (James Corden) are two losers looking to get out of town. They elect to go hiking in Cragwich.  Also converging on Cragwich are four sultry coeds engaging in a history project to research the legendary Carmilla. Uh oh....they all have been lured to this quaint Cragwich cottage as an offering to a lesbian vampire coven.  Lotte (MyAnna Buring) is the only coed who won't be ravaged and turned by the lady vamps.  She teams up with Jimmy and Fletch to fight off the evil seductresses.
As Lotte (a virgin, by the way) and Jimmy (an ancestor of the Baron who killed Carmilla) fall in love, Fletch teams up with a vampire-hunter vicar (Paul McGann).  We'll have some gratuitous shower action, gratuitous lesbian make-out action, and some gratuitous nude scenses....and then Carmilla's gang abducts the virgin Lotte.  Carmilla wants her as a bride, but not before killing the Baron's descendant, Jimmy.  As Jimmy and Lotte are strung up, the vicar and Fletch pursue a mad-cap strategy, which includes condoms filled with holy water, in order to free Lotte and Jimmy, and eliminate the lesbian-vampire scourge forever.  Will the virgin Lotte be de-virginized by Jimmy or Carmilla? Will the baron's loser descendant man-up and be the vampire killer of the modern age?
All the actresses are stunning, and are quite alluring. This film is big on laughs, and still succeeds as a horror film. Gratuitous to the max, and offensive to those who insist on being offended, "Lesbian Vampire Killers" has a lot to offer.  I understand a sequel is in the works, which is great, as Lotte, Jimmy, and Fletch emerge as a very appealing vampire-hunting team.  Directed by Phil Claydon, and starring some great actors, and beautiful actresses, enjoy this film.

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