Charlie's Farm, All-Star Cast Served on a Buffet

Tara Reid!  Bill Mosely!  Kane Hodder! Will any of them survive? The foe is a big monster of a man who will make Jason or Michael look puny.  In Australia, we all know, if you go 200 yards in from the east coast, mutant hillbilly type fiends wait to eat you.  That's what we have here.  We also have hunks and babes and we are sad that we just know they will die horribly.  Skinny-dippers? Yep! Castrations? Yep! But, will there be a final girl and will that final girl be Tara Reid? Our feature today is 2014's "Charlie's Farm," made in Australia and directed by Chris Sun.

Tara Reid!  Tara Reid!  Tara Reid! Blonde babe extraordinaire. Right...the movie. Four great looking pals set off to camp eight hours inland...mistake. Natasha (Reid) is hesitant when she finds out that her beau, Jason (Dean Kirkright) plans on bringing them to Charlie's Farm. His buddy, Donkey (Sam Coward) has a huge tally-whacker, and is game. Oh yes, Melanie (Allira Jaques) is along for fun. Poor Melanie, she has "being caught by a giant mutant, violated, and ripped apart" written all over her face. We will be sad to see her go. Oh! Charlie's Farm? over 20 years ago a posse from the town murdered John Wilson (Mosely) and his wife when they found out the Wilson family took in backpackers, then raped and ate them. A vicious metaphor for AirBNB? The only family member not accounted for after the massacre is the young boy Charlie.

Charlie (Nathan Jones) is all grown up, I mean really grown up! He still occupies the farm through underground tunnels. When our four hunks and babes show up to camp, he is quite taken by the two babes, Natasha and Melanie. A couple more arrive, backpackers, but that's just to get the kill count up. Now one by one, Charlie hunts them down and the kills will be incredibly gory.  Poor Melanie, so sad what Charlie does to her. Oh, Kane Hodder!  Right! Well, you'll see.  If you are wondering if you'll see a knockdown drag out fight between Charlie and Jason...rest assured...you will. No spoilers here, but we do pull for Natasha to survive...but odds are not in her favor.

Will Jason be able to dent the disgusting veneer of this Aussie super-killer wannabe?  Will Charlie do anything else to the babes other than...well, never mind.  What is it with the outback that produces so many cannibalistic mutant types...and be advised, if you follow Australian elections...these creeps vote. Gore, cheese and beef, cannibalism, skinny-dipping, a behemoth kill count, and some classic slasher tropes will all be served in great frequency, so see "Charlie's Farm."

Snake Creek, Bigger and Toothier than an Anaconda

The Chattahoochee River in Tennessee is the setting for a vicious one featuring a serpent that is 29 feet long and very toothy.  It's venom is deadly, and does not like tourists.  Our feature today is sort of a mesh between "Deliverance" and "Anaconda."  When city boys wearing tube socks and sandals go canoeing in the Tennessee wilderness, bad things are bound to happen.  Let us look at 2025's "Snake Creek," directed by Charlie Steeds.

Our four city boys are kind of annoying but nice enough. Bill (Adam Bash) has the makings of a final-guy. Sadly, the only babe in this one is eaten early on.  He annoys his buddies, Patrick (Paul Ogletree), Kevin (Lukas John), and James (Tristan Green). The four of them annoy the creepy general store crossbred, Woody (Scot Scurlock). This will be unfortunate for the city boys as Woody seems to have control over a 29 foot serpent, which we will get the backstory on. Willow (Faith McCoy), a city babe is hunted down and eaten by the serpent...sad. Now after an unproductive episode with Woody, the four tube sock gents will be hunted.  Along comes the big snake.  As the quartet, in two canoes, paddle down the Chattahoochee, the thing attacks.

James is dragged away and dissolved by acidic venom, but Kevin merely has his face bitten.  Now Bill and Patrick have to contend with a dying friend as their canoes are lost in the river.  The snake is mean and has all the advantages against the sandal clad city slickers.  Woody and his brothers grab machetes and other bladed weapons and also hit the wilderness to dissect the strangers.  Woody proves to be a maven at torture and dismemberment, and the snake is aggressive and hungry.  One wonders if this film will have a Ned Beatty squealing type scene, but happily, it will not. The monster is brilliant!  No CGI or AI...a rubber thing with big teeth played very well by the f/x guys.  

Will any of the city slickers survive?  Could this film have benefitted if instead of guys in tube socks, we got babes in bikinis? Okay, dumb question. Should more monster movies bring back rubber puppets and shelve the CGI?  This is a good one and because the monster is so cool, this is a very enjoyable horror film.  Treat yourself to the best monster snake film of the decade and see "Snake Creek." 

The Monolith Monsters, Unscary Horror

As a wee lad in Boston, I used to turn into WLVI-TV, Channel 56, every Saturday afternoon for "Creature Double Feature."  Godzilla films!  Vampire films!  Werewolf films! Frankenstein films!  Et cetera! I loved them all, except for two movies.  "The Magnetic Monster" and our feature today just did not do it for me.  Not scary and no monster...not really.  Though as an adult, I see the horror in these films were more horrific than the ants in "Them," or the creature in "Creature from the Black Lagoon." Still...can't blame a kid for wanting something slithery, toothy, or clawed.  Our feature today is 1957's "The Monolith Monsters."

A meteor falls to Earth near San Angelo, California. A small town. Ben (Phil Harvey), a geologist with the Dept. of the Interior, takes a piece of the meteor, brings it back to the office, and accidentally gets it wet and...  Well, the trouble begins. The next day Dave (Grant Williams) arrives at the office to find it in shambles, a bunch of black rocks strewn about, and Ben turned to stone. Uh oh!  Okay, the one babe in this film, Cathy (Lola Albright) takes her class on a field trip to the desert and little Jenny picks up a rock and brings it home. Yep, the rock gets wet and the next we see of Jenny's place, it is in shambles, covered in rocks, and both of the girl's parents have turned to stone and Jenny is in the process of turning to stone. Dave, the geologist is worried as is his babe GF Cathy. Jenny is brought to a LA hospital and rock scientist Arthur Flanders (Trevor Burdette) arrives to offer expertise.

Yep, Flanders and Dave find out the meteor rocks will grow and multiply when it gets wet.  Yep, a rainstorm arrives and now the rocks are growing and spreading from the desert to the town.  If more rain arrives, or the rocks hit a nearby lake, the entire country could become The Rockies.  Dave, Cathy, and Flanders work tirelessly to find out how to stop the meteor rocks, and how to save Jenny before she becomes all stone.  More victims of the rocks turn to stone and now the town readies to evacuate.  

Will Dave and Cathy swap any spit in this film or will the film be as void of romance as it is void of scares?  If the rocks had been replaced by slimy tentacle things, would this film have been a B Movie classic we all would own on DVD?  Will Flanders come up with an idea that will save humanity? Not scary, but fun to watch.  Dave is a hunk and Cathy is a babe, and the story is fairly compelling.  The special f/x are fantastic.  For some B Movie fun, see "The Monolith Monsters" and see it as a double feature with "The Magnetic Monster."

The Descent, Revelation 9

Are you a Pre-Tribulation Rapture guy...or a Post-Tribulation Rapture guy? If you said..."huh?...well you could find yourself in the same position as all the characters in today's movie. This one earned 2.5 out of 10 stars on IMDB which only goes to show no one who rated this film read the Bible. Eschatology is fascinating, and excuse me for using big words...I love looking somewhat smart. The study of the end times. Believe in the rapture or not, or just don't know, we can still enjoy a horror film about it. Read Revelation 9 and find out about those scorpion monsters...or watch today's film, 2023's "The Descent," directed by Matt Green...no, not the babes in a cave film.

Something happened three years ago and everyone who is left on Earth refers to it as Red Friday. Yep, most of the people on the planet were taken by...monsters? Scorpion monsters who walk on two legs. The survivors seem happy and are all into unity. In fact, they are so into unity that you can scan a QR code and sign up for a lifestyle and mindset of...unity. Important to be united, after all. The smart talking professor, Charles (Dan Sachoff), can sell anyone on unity and positive thinking. He will have a tough sell as one student in his class did not scan the QR code and everyone noticed. Wyatt (Jamie Alexander).  He has issues from his past and being united with everyone is not a priority of his. His GF, Zoey (Eva Craw), desperately wants him to join Unity...I guess so they can have pre-marital sex.

Let's skip a lot of the unity seduction and go right to the scorpion monsters. They came three years ago and they're back. One by one they haul people away...but these unfortunates seem to reappear. What's going on? Enter Markus (Jubilant Sykes).  Three years ago he was sitting at his kitchen table when his wife vanished. Now Markus has figured it all out. Unlike Charles, Markus helps Wyatt figure out why he is traumatized by his past.  Wyatt keeps his head about him as the scorpion things drag all his friends away. We cheer when Charles is decimated by the monster and hauled away. We boo when Charles and his unity mindset return. Markus can save them all, if only they will listen. Unfortunately, the unity people scoff at Markus, even though he is unharmed by the things.

Confused? Read Revelation 9...though this may confuse you more. Whatever you feel about the rapture or pre or post tribulation, this is a fun one. All you unity people out there...you will hate this film. Even with scorpion creatures running about, the real villains will be the "we all need to work together and be unified" crowd emerges as the real villains.  See "The Descent" and if you do read Revelation because of it, please do it with an eye toward the Old Testament.
 

Trivial, Game Show Carnage

Game shows! I think they used to be fun.  "Match Game," "Family Feud," "Hollywood Squares," and even "The Gong Show." Now, I don't know...I have no interest.  Never saw "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." You know what would might make them interesting? Right! Torture and carnage. Perhaps there are some of these on the Dark Web.  Our feature today is just one of those game shows.  Let us look at 2024's "Trivial," directed by James L. Edwards.

Contestants have been abducted, drugged, and manacled to chairs in a garage setting where they will participate in a game show of sorts. The host is the lovely and perky Laurel Edmonds (Sasha Graham). As the film opens, Dean (Edwards) is squaring off against Chris (Adam Scott Clevenger). These two contestants are reprobates, as we see in the film. Answer a question correctly and go to next round. Answer the trivia question incorrectly, and Laurel carves your face up. Miss three questions and Laurel hammers a spike into the top of your head. What we see unfolding before us will please the torture porn fans. It gets bloody. Each contestant is a social reprobate and their crimes are disgusting. Laurel seems to see herself as some moral avenger. 

One episode at a time, a reprobate is maimed and murdered. Web designer Brian (Drew Fortier) seems to have staying power.  What is his crime? You'll see, but it is the most personal of crimes as far as Laurel is concerned. Laurel's remaining sanity goes out the window as she gets more and more unstable.  Then, we get Janet (Shianne Daye)! She's a babe and her story pulls all the unanswered questions together and answers them.  Will Laurel maim a pretty blonde? Sure, it might be hard for us to watch, but Laurel is a brunette.

Just what do these contestants have to do with Laurel's plight?  Just who is Janet and what relation is she to Laurel?  Will the winner of this game get Turtle Wax, be set free, or merely a quick death?  This is a tough one to watch but those nostalgic for the old game shows will find this a worthwhile watch. See "Trivial" for a great Sasha Graham performance and some horror that will cause you to avert your glance. 

Candy Stripers, Babe Nurses in White Kissing Sultry Nubile Candy Stripers

Where has this film been all my life? Nurse-sploitation (if you also count young nubile candy stripers) galore! They are hot!  They are in need!  They French kiss one another, but for a good reason. See, they are, deep down, slimy aliens seeking to reproduce and conquer Earth. Yep, a story for our time. There will be gratuitous nudity, lesbian deep kissing, useless men castrated, and slimy things eating cocoon wrapped doctors from the inside.  No, not "We Are Marshall," but 2006's "Candy Stripers," directed by Kate Robbins.

The sultry Tammy (Sarah McGuire) has been brought into the hospital after a car crash. Janine (Deanna Brooks) is the hot candy striper left to stay with her in her room. Tammy awakes and implores Janine to give her a passionate kiss.   Janine does and a slimy alien moves out of Tammy's mouth into Janine. Janine lesbian French kisses her fellow candy stripers and even some hot nurses.  Meanwhile, three hunk high school basketball players are brought to the hospital after a brawl. Matt (Brian Lloyd) has a broken leg and his GF, cheerleader, the shallow Krystal (Nicole Rayburn) follows him there. Also following him there is babe Cherie (Tori White) who desperately wants to be Matt's GF. While at the hospital, Janine and her minions seduce doctors, attack, and wrap them in webs.  Now the doctors are being eaten from the inside by alien fiends.

Cherie and Matt figure out what is going on and figure they need to escape.  The candy stripers seduce with nudity, passion, and French kissing.  Now catfighting occurs between Cherie and Krystal, and the hot candy stripers.  The candy stripers feed solely on sugar, and love licking...lollypops.  More catfighting occurs as Cherie figures out a way to kill them, but by now, there are too many.  Realizing the babes plan world conquest, our trio realize that they must kill all of them and scrap the idea of escaping. 

Will Janine have passion with cheerleader Krystal or babe Cherie before trying to turn them?  Will Krystal and Cherie engage in a catfight over the hunk Matt? If nude candy stripers and hot nurses in white in heat were a plot device in the newest "Star Wars" movie, would that have revived that dying franchise?  This one is so gratuitous and will serve as a guilty and prurient pleasure.  For some steamy movie viewing elation, see "Candy Stripers."  

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Panic Button, Social Media War at 35,000 feet

I know!  I know!  Social media is evil.  This movie will point that out. Okay, allow me to put forth an unpopular view.  It is not evil!  Without social media we would all believe the government.  We'd believe the mad scientist known as Dr. Fauci. We would all have been poisoned by the jab.  We'd actually think Lester Holt was a smart man. We'd have elected Hillary Clinton. Nope! I'm not playing. You sheep can parrot the "social media is evil" propaganda, but not me. Give me X (Twitter) any day over Fox News, CNN, or ABC. Okay, our feature today is the social-media-is-evil film, 2011's "Panic Button," directed by Chris Crow.

Four lucky Londoners have won! Yep, a social media network has selected them for an all expense paid vacation to New York City on board a luxury charter jet. Single-mother Jo (Scarlett Alice Johnson) is sad because she will have to leave her daughter with her mom. She doesn't know this but shortly after she heads to the airport, her mom is murdered and her daughter is abducted. The other babe in the group is Gwen (Elen Rhys), a slut-wannabe.  The hunk Max (Jack Gordon) is there, but proves to be a bit of a mystery. Then the creepy Dave (Michael Jibson) rounds up the quartet.  He looks like a pervert... and is! The airplane takes off and the four are given champagne and asked to play an on-line game for expensive prizes.

The games begin.  The shock also begins as each is asked to answer questions about things they are not proud of. Yep, all have social media profiles that are hardly true, Jo is a manipulative alcoholic, Gwen is a virgin, David like vicious porn, and Max...well, he may not be Max. Uh oh, when the quartet try lying about who they are or what they have done, one of their on-line "friends" is murdered and the murders are all broadcast on livestream. More lies result in family members being tortured and cut-up into little pieces. Now the on-line master of the game has a secret task for each of the contestants.  Yep, you can probably guess what those tasks are. Uh oh...Jo figures out the chartered jet is not heading to New York City.

Who is controlling this game and what does that entity have against these four schmucks? With Jo's mom murdered, what fate will her daughter succumb to? Just where is this jet going? Oh, the ending?  Yep, then the true horror arrives as it will be a most unsettling one. So all you who hate social media, go ahead and keep believing the NFL is pure sport and good for this country while all us on social media have understood for the past 20 years that it is rigged. See "Panic Button" and ask yourself if social media is the true culprit. 

The Return of Doctor X, Humphrey Bogart Does Horror

Not a private eye.  Not a G.I. in the war.  Not a hoodlum.  Nope, Humphrey Bogart as a zombie like being, brought back from the grave, and seeking human blood. Yep, it is Humphrey Bogart as you have never seen him before.  White, pasty, and creepy looking. He is so creepy that he will never get a Lauren Becall, Katherine Hepburn, Ingrid Bergman or Mary Astor.  Let us take a peek at a really creepy film from 1939, "The Return of Doctor X," directed by Vincent Sherman.

Yep, after experimenting on babies, he starved them to death (probably a protege of Margaret Sanger), Doctor Xavier, aka Doctor X (Bogart), is executed in the chair.  Okay, an aggressive society reporter, Walter (Wayne Morris), lines up an interview with the international stage star, the beautiful Angela Merrova (Lya Lys). When he arrives at her hotel suite, she has been murdered, stabbed in the heart. Eek, by the time the police arrive, her corpse vanishes. Even worse, Walter insists he saw her dead, even though she shows up at his newspaper the next day wondering where the story came from. Uh oh, the sultry Merrova is looking pale. Walter is fired and he goes to see a buddy of his, the handsome blood specialist, Dr. Rhodes (Dennis Morgan).

Rhodes and Walter investigate and through their toil, Rhodes finds a blood sample. The sample is of a weird type and the duo soon figure out it is a synthetic blood invented by Dr. Flegg (John Litel). Flegg, just by chance, has a new assistant...yep, the pale Doctor X. Flegg brought him back from the dead after the execution and now the evil X controls Flegg. Even worse, X cannot survive long on the synthetic blood and needs human blood.  Now a pretty nurse (Rosemary Lane) is in peril as she has the same rare blood that X needs.

Will the pretty nurse be X's latest blood donor?  Just what are Doctor X's plans after his resurrection? Will the internationally renown Angela Merrova make a comeback and perform at Carnegie Hall?  This is a creepy one and even though Bogie received awful reviews from the critics for his role as Doctor X, he did a fine job and maximized the creepy factor for this film.  For a weird way to see Humphrey Bogart, and for a unsettling horror flick, see 'The Return of Doctor X."   

Dead in the Water, Sea Monster Chases Babes at Sea

We have a good one! Yep, a ship in the northern pacific manned by a crew of females! Yep, babes at sea. The ancient, and not so ancient mariners knew women aboard a ship was bad luck...and were they ever right. Of course, in defense of the babes, it doesn't help if a slimy, tendril and tentacled sea creature is also on board waiting to enter their bodies and eat them from the inside out. Oh, one of the babes is named Kat (Nicole Fortuin) and she will indeed get into a catfight...or should I say Katfight? Our feature today is 2018's "Dead in the Water," directed by Sheldon Wilson...a man!

Never mind why they are there, or what they are doing...they are an all women crew on a ship...it won't go well. Because they are women, their engine is shot and they don't know how to fix it. Kat and Rusty (Skye Russell) try but there are limits. Gwenn (Bianca Simone Mannie) is the useless captain, but her sister Dana (Nikohl Boosheri) is a bad-a** and this will come in handy when someone breaks out the harpoon gun. Erika (Tanya van Graan) is the very pretty professor who loves fish and hates boats. Michelle (Amy Louise Wilson) is the flunked out med student who will be called on to do a weird autopsy. Oh, Sparks (Christia Visser) will be the first infected. Infected? Yep. Unfortunately for the inept crew of babes, they pick up a stranger (Brandon Auret) in the sea, half dead...or more than half dead. Michelle and Erika try to save him but he goes spastic, grabs a scalpel, and tries to murder all the sailorettess.

The stranger yells "Kill me!  Kill yourselves!" Yep, a deadly parasite monster is inside the guy and when he finally dies, no thanks to the gals, the monster explodes out of him and into...well, you'll see. The thing has tendrils, tentacles, a small head, and is slimy and crawls through vents. Now the gals must fix the engine as a big storm is heading their way and if a rogue wave catches them, the dead in the water boat will capsize. Between fixing the boat and hunting the monster that is hunting them, the gals prove their incompetence. The thing infects the dames one by one and the surviving ones realize they cannot allow it to get to mainland. 

Would this 2018 film have been a box office hit if the dames were dressed in tight, shiny catsuits and stilettos? Would the fortunes of this boat have been better if there were a man aboard who knew how to fix an engine?  Will the monster kill all the dames and if it doesn't will the surviving dames be infected? This is a good one.  In fairness to these dames, the crew at Outpost 31 was all male and they did not fare well.  For some slimy sea creature horror, with catfights, and tentacles, see "Dead in the Water." 

The Golden Mistress, Love, Treasure, and Voodoo in Haiti

Our feature today is shot in Haiti using lots of Haitians in the cast. Haiti!  Was it ever a nice place?  By the looks of this film, it did have its beauty, at least in the 1950s, long before the Clinton Foundation got its claws into it and drained it of all its financial and natural resources. Before being raped by the Clintons, the island was a mess, but movies could be shot there. The real star of this film is bathing beauty Rosemarie Stack (she was married to Robert Stack for 47 years).  She'll have a number of gratuitous swimsuit scenes and a lot of lip-locking with hunk co-star John Agar. The allure of her performance alone is reason to put this one on. Now let us look at 1954's "The Golden Mistress," directed by Abner Biberman. 

Bill (Agar) is a loser treasure hunter trying not to have his boat repossessed.  Him and Carl Dexter (Biberman) both seek the statue of The Golden Mistress. Carl is a veritable thief whereas Bill is a good guy. Carl steals the statue from a voodoo ceremony and has the wrath of voodoo gods upon him. Yep, voodoo will win. Now Carl's sultry daughter, Ann (Stack), hires Bill after springing him from prison. The two have met before and hate one another and Bill ended up throwing her overboard. Now Ann needs Bill to find the treasure of The Untamed. The Untamed? A lost, maybe extinct, Haitian tribe that keeps a golden treasure. The Untamed, if they do still exist, hold the key to enormous wealth for Ann and Bill.

Bill and Ann? Yep...you guessed it. Ann hates him until Bill grabs her, forces a kiss on her, gets slapped for his effort, then draws her in tight and gives her an uber-passionate kiss. Bill knows dames and has just reminded Ann she is a dame. Now Ann will love Bill. So, take-that woke America! Men used to be men and women used to be women. The duo consult a voodoo chieftain who Bill has earned favor with, Iznard (Andre Narcisse). Iznard knows about The Untamed but does not want to endanger Bill by letting him in on forbidden secrets. When Bill saves Iznard's son from a shark, the voodoo chief takes Bill on a marvelous journey to Haitian ruins that reveal the location of The Untamed. This is a voodoo no-no, and Iznard will pay for his generosity.  Now Ann and Bill set sail to find The Untamed and the treasure that they seek.

Snakes, eels, octopi, barracuda, leeches, and crocodiles menace Bill and especially Ann throughout the duration of this film. Mrs. Stack is marvelous and so sultry in peril, in states of undress, all wet, and in swimsuits.  Bill is a perfect hunk that reminds Ann of her true role...a woman. For a non-woke voodoo thriller filmed in Haiti, see "The Golden Mistress." 

Red Sonja (2025), Sweaty Babes with Swords

Today we have a much maligned 2025 film that is a remake of a 1985 much maligned film. Truth be known, both are pretty good films. In the one 40 years ago, the film makers were so aghast at the performance of Brigitte Nielsen, they promoted this one as an Arnold Schwarzenegger film.  Today Matilda Lutz takes the title role and she is overshadowed by no one...except maybe Wallis Day. We have Ms. Lutz in a metal bikini wielding a sword and in several catfights with Miss Day, clad in white leather. Yep, this new one may be the best film of 2025.  The cheese factor is tremendous, there are beheadings, monsters, and even a mad scientist.  Let us look at the very ambitious "Red Sonja," directed by MJ Bassett.

In the days of swords and sorcerers, the sultry Sonja (Lutz) roams the forests communing with nature and animals. She has to as her village was destroyed by barbarians many years ago. Uh oh, the evil Emperor Draygan (Robert Sheehan) wants the forest. His desire is to cut down all the trees and kill all the animals. Red Sonja tries to stop him, but Draygan's bride-to-be, the insane blonde beauty Annisia kicks the snot out of Sonja and now Sonja is caged. Noticing Sonja's fighting ability, Draygan sends her to live in a cell with other frisky prisoners, for which Petra (Rhona Mitra) is one. They are used as fodder for arena fights with monsters and other brute barbarians. Sadly, Rhona Mitra will meet a bloody death here. Sonja and her mates will be put against a 30-foot cyclops. Uh oh, a mad scientist has invented a device that if put on the back of the monsters, their actions can be controlled by Draygan.

The prisoners escape and Draygan and his forces pursue them. In the woods, Sonja organizes her mates into an army. Draygan, knowing Annisia can kick the snot out of Sonja, tasks her with murdering the redhead. Another catfight looms and Annisia will again decimate our babe heroine. Now Draygan plots the extermination of all Sonja, her friends, all the animals, and the trees.  Sonja gets sweet on handsome Osin (Luca Pasqualino), but like all men, he is useless. Still, he's a hunk. Annisia continues humiliating Sonja, Sonja kills all others who she fights with, and the balance of good and evil is at stake in pristine forests.

The sword catfighting between the sultry blonde Annisia in white leather and Sonja in a metal bikini is alone worth the price of admission.  Babes and hunks will sweat and grunt as they wield weapons. Monsters will roar.  Swords will impale. Heads will be chopped off.  Oh, and yes, Rhona Mitra is in this. There is no reason not to see 2025's "Red Sonja," especially if you like sultry dames catfighting.   

The Priest: Thanksgiving Massacre, An Awkward Horror Story

How many of you had awkward Thanksgiving gatherings?  That weird relative, who you swear is a pedophile was seated next to you at the dinner table. Or that drooling nerd who has never kissed a girl in his 22 years on the planet is asking you all about your revealing cheerleading costume.  Or perhaps your mom and dad asks everyone if they want to see your Christening photographs.  We've all had awkward moments during Thanksgiving dinners in our past, but in today's feature, an awkward Thanksgiving turns into cannibalistic horror...perhaps a metaphor for so much.  Let us take a look at 2025's "The Priest: Thanksgiving Massacre," directed by Steve Lawson. 

400 years ago the Reverend (not priest) Fuller (Mark Topping) is banished from the settlement of the Pilgrims and forced to build his cabin in the wilderness. Winter comes and he and his big breasted wife are dying of cold and starvation.  Driven mad, Fuller grabs a sickle and axe and cuts his wife to pieces and eats her.  Then he takes his pistol and blows his brains out. 400 years later the weird Tom (Jo Krayer) comes to the cabin to spend Thanksgiving with his new slut-girlfriend, English-babe Sara (Dani Thompson).  Sara has big...er, a big smile and she and Tom have sex a lot.  Sara only has packed lingerie and negligees.  Also arriving at the cabin is Tom's teen-aged nerd son Noah (Brooklyn Ross), and teenage daughter Andi (Holly Higbee). Uh oh, Cyndy (Liz Soutar) is Tom's ex-wife and she is forced to stay for Thanksgiving after dropping the kids off because her car is dead. Cyndy and Sara sneer a lot at one another.

Awkward? Yes! Sara only wants sex with Tom and has no love for his kids or the ex.  The ex reminds Sara that Tom has no money. Then we find out this modern cabin was built on the site of Reverend Fuller's cabin. Yep, as Sara is seducing Noah in the sauna, Fuller is mysteriously resurrected.  The fiend immediately finds his old sickle and axe and is hungry again.  The horrific reverend intends to chop everyone up into little pieces and eat them.  Guess who he chops up first!  The answer might surprise you.  What follows is a heartbreaking horror story in which the victims are not necessarily the ones you figured would be victims. Even though Fuller is back and is hungry, both Sara and Cyndy probably have more to fear from each other than the ghoul who now hunts them.

Is there a catfight brewing between Sara and Cyndy...or even Sara and Andi?  Will Sara de-virginize Noah in the sauna?  Is there any happy ending for Tom now that his new lover and ex-wife are in close quarters with him?  This is a gory one and as far as slasher films go, there is some nice axe and sickle gore to accompany the cannibalism.  For a nice holiday horror film watch, see "The Priest: Thanksgiving Massacre."

Hangover Square, Wake Up a Murderer

There you are.  You wake up, or snap out of it!  No memory of the last hour, or 24. The newspaper is filled with stories of young women strangled in your neighborhood and the cops have no clues. Anything to worry about?  For our protagonist, or is he an antagonist, in our film, there might be.  Even worse, there are two babes in his life...both have necks that scream, "Strangle me!" Laird Cregar usually plays the heavy, but in today's film, he plays a sympathetic sort who might be the victim of a weird amnesia. Our feature is 1945's "Hangover Square," directed by John Brahm.

George Harvey Bone (Cregar) is a wonderful pianist and composer. He's working on a beautiful concerto that will be performed and conducted in a big concert hall and directed by the great composer Sir Henry Chapman (Alan Napier). Uh oh, as the film begins George is murdering an antique dealer. Hey, we all have bad days. He'll wake with no memory of the past 24 hours and is worried he murdered someone. The cops investigate and George's buddy, Dr. Allan Middleton (George Sanders) assures George the knife in George's possession has no blood or fiber on it. Oh, George is sweet on Sir Henry's daughter, Barbara (Faye Marlowe). She's so pure and nubile. Uh oh, Allan is also sweet on her. Allan prescribes a treatment for George to rid himself of these spells...stop composing music. George has a concerto to finish for Sir Henry so he disregards this advice.  

George wanders into a dancehall and sees Netta (Linda Darnell) sing to a bunch of drunks. Her dancehall flair is not becoming of polite society but George is captivated by her. He writes a song for her to sing and she loves it. Now Netta uses and seduces George to keep writing her songs. George is entranced by this siren and is at her command. George thinks they are in love, though Netta is actually desiring to marry promoter Eddie (Glenn Langan). Uh oh, George has more spells and he also has a strong cord, perfect for strangling.  The bodies pile up and George keeps getting pulled deeper into Netta's world of seduction, exploitation, and ruin. Netta keeps seducing and she looks really great doing it.  George seems to be more focused on her neck, now.  As George is conflicted between writing a concerto for Sir Henry, and writing bar songs for Netta, his mind seems more apt to fall into one of his spells.

Will George murder one of the two babes in his life?  Will Allan wrest Barbara from George? Is George a good bloke or a prurient murderer that rivals Jack the Ripper? The ending of this film is one of the best endings ever put on the silver screen.  Ms. Darnell and Ms. Marlowe turn in incredibly seductive performances.  Laird Cregar, if you are unfamiliar with his work, is an actor you need to see more of. For suspense, and horror, and a great ending, see "Hangover Square."

Alpha Code, Denise Richards is in it!

Why, oh why, did I watch this movie!?  Easy.  Denise Richards is in it. Oh, that fighter guy, Randy Couture is in it too! Oh, so is Ben Foster!  Wait!  Did I say Ben Foster? Excuse me...Bren Foster.  What's the difference? The difference is Ben Foster is not in this one...even though we thought he was until midway through the movie. But, Denise Richards is in it and she looks...pretty good, though she could have smiled some more and showed more skin...just saying. Our feature today is 2020's "Alpha Code," directed by Keoni Waxman and made in the Czech Republic, or is that Czechia now?

Plot? Fine, but remember, you asked!  A woman and a baby are sucked up into a UFO in Prague. Relevance to the film?  Maybe some...who knows?  Okay, Martin (Ben, I mean Bren Foster) drives his sultry daughter home to a country cottage. Teri (Sabina Rojkova) might be the Czech version of Denise Richards...hopefully she will not date Charlie Sheen or catfight with Heather Locklear...though if those things were in this movie, they might have gotten Ben Foster to be in it. Yep, UFOs and aliens pay the cottage a visit and take Teri and leave Martin unconscious. Martin awakes in a hospital and the ruthless U.N. agent Ray Bowie (Randy Couture) yells at him.  Why? Because he's not Ben Foster, maybe.

Martin escapes to try to find his daughter and meets Johana (Richards) on line.  Upset Martin is not Ben Foster, Johana is vague with him.  Apparently Johana and Martin both had loved ones taken by the UFOs and Agent Bowie wants to kill them because of that...you know the U.N.  Johana introduces Martin to the "Unchosen." No, not the TV show. The "Unchosen" were not...chosen...by the aliens in UFOs, I guess.  But, their loved ones were.  Why?  Maybe the aliens wanted to get Ben Foster and this guy Bren shows up so they sic Randy Couture on them.  Maybe. Martin and Johana will kiss, but that's it, and Johana introduces him to Lance (Marek Vasut).  Lance tells Martin that he can communicate to the aliens.  Johana continues to look sad and serious and will set off with Martin to find...something by Geocaching. Nerds!

Will Denise Richards smile and have pre-marital sex with the guy who is not Ben Foster?  Couldn't the makers of this film spent a little more money and gotten Heather Locklear and put in a catfighting scene with her and Denise Richards?  Is this film required for Charlie Sheen in whatever therapy program he is in?  Oh, what Joel and the 'bots could have done with this one!  Well, watch the film if you must.  At very least...Denise Richards is in it...which is always better than Meryl Streep.  See "Alpha Code," and don't say I didn't warn you.   

Creature with the Atom Brain, Atomic Zombies used for Revenge

Angela Stevens is a fine looking dame and is second-billed in our feature today.  The sultry blonde plays Joyce who looks great in a shiny white robe and loves to be swatted on the buttocks. Now that's a dame we can all get behind. Alas, she has little bearing on the plot, but when she's on screen, getting spanked or pulled into bed, it is so nice. Okay, the plot in this film is driven by men, as are wars, death, dismemberment, and destruction.  Let us look at 1955's "Creature with the Atom Brain," directed by Edward L. Cahn.

Buchanan (Michael Granger) is back. He was sentenced to five years and swore revenge on all those who put him away. He has returned with a Nazi mad scientist, Dr. Steigg (Gregory Gaye) who has perfected resurrecting corpses into controllable zombies. Buchanan has Steigg make him a bunch of these zombies and sends them after the people who helped convict him. The fiends are superhuman, immune to bullets, and leave a trail of radiation. Police scientist Dr. Chet Walker (Richard Denning) is on the case. He has a lovely wife and tries to pull her into bed and swats her little behind. Back to the important parts of the plot. Chet figures out the killers all are radioactive and their blood is some crystallized radioactive solution. They also have electrodes in their brains that are powered by an atomic machine in Buchanan's basement laboratory.

At will, Buchanan sends the fiends out to commit murder.  When Buchanan realizes Chet and the cops are getting close to finding his secret laboratory, he warns them to stop looking. The cops keep looking and the fiends sabotage airplanes, trains, and utility plants.  Now with the city powerless to stop Buchanan and his minions, and with Joyce being spanked, Chet and the cops have to get smart and quickly track the monsters to Buchanan's lab.  Uh oh...Chet's buddy, police captain Dave (S. John Laurens) is captured and turned into an atomic zombie and sent to pay Joyce a visit.

Will Joyce be spanked by an atomic zombie?  Will Chet locate Buchanan before his wife gets spanked by an atomic zombie?  Will Joyce end up having the world's first atomic offspring?  Okay, that last question was inappropriate.  Anyway, for a fantastic 1950s scifi/horror B movie, see "Creature with the Atom Brain" and learn where that Japanese fetish of radioactive spanking comes from.   

Dollman vs. Demonic Toys, Three Full Moon Features Converge

You have to love Full Moon Features and Charles Band.  Today we look at one that takes three of their films, "Dollman," "Demonic Toys," and "Bad Channels" and meshes them. Today's feature will give us a sultry cop and a sultry nurse, a rarity in today's films.  Throw in neat monsters, an evil baby, a big spider, laser fights, and gunfights.  Our film today is Charles Band's 1993 "Dollman vs. Demonic Toys." 

The sultry policewoman, in tight jeans and halter top, Judith (Tracy Scoggins) is back at the warehouse that houses demonic toys. They mock her and escape from her through the AC ventilation shafts. Now she seeks help and hunts out dollman, the foot tall cop from another world, Brick (Tim Thomerson). Brick? He's in search of the sultry Nurse Ginger (Melissa Behr), who was shrunk by aliens in "Bad Channels." She's a babe and Brick needs a dame. Judith finds both of them and convinces them to help her hunt the four remaining demonic toys (baby doll, GI Joe, a Jack-in-the-box head, and robot). Now the trio return to the warehouse and the evil toys are waiting.  War breaks out and the casualties will be heartbreaking.

The evil toys like to capture beautiful women, put them into a pentagram, and feast on their blood.  Thus, Ginger and Judith are prime targets.  Oh, yeah...the baby doll wants to mate with Ginger and have her birth the devil reincarnate...happens. Brick chases the evil things, engages in gunfights, and now must save Ginger from a fate worse than death.  Brick is right out of a Sam Spade Film Noir film. Ginger is right out of a nurse-ploitation film. Judith is the hottest detective you will ever see ("Cagney and Lacey" fans should just go watch a Meryl Streep film, instead). We need to see more Tracy Scoggins films!

Will the evil baby doll impregnate Judith with the devil's seed?  Will Judith survive the wrath of the evil toys a second time?  Will Brick save the dames and begin a beautiful relationship with the shrunken nurse?  This is a good one with great monsters, sultry babes, and a hard boiled alien cop.  See "Dollman vs. Demonic Toys" and enjoy some great cheese and beef with icky monsters.

Beast of War, World War 2 Great White Shark

From Australia, a Great White shark film. There's a country with some standing when it comes to this toothy menace. Combine it with being a World War 2 film and this is an extra bonus. We even get a real monster of a shark, a 20 footer!  Soldiers will be feasted on, limbs will be bitten off torsos, and Aussie army men will fight Japs, sharks, and their own personal demons.  Our feature today is 2025's "Beast of War," directed by Kiah Roache-Turner.

1942, in the rainy, muddy, jungle of northern Australia, recruits are going through boot camp. The youngsters are learning to be soldiers. There we meet Will (Joel Nankervis) and Leo (Mark Coles Smith). Will is a brain and does not seem to be cut out to be a soldier.  Leo is a hunk and seems very cut out to be a soldier. They'll bond and when boot camp is over, are sent on the same ship to fight the Japanese. Boom!  Japanese fighters sink the ship and most on the troops on the transport ship die and are eaten by sharks.  About seven or eight survive on a makeshift raft.  Some are wounded and their blood leaks into the sea. Now a 20-footer arrives. The Great White shark has a broken siren imbedded in its fin and when it approaches, a haunting sound is heard.

Rations are low and the men watch as Bobby (Tristan McKinnon) is eaten first, followed by Stan (Maximillian Johnson).  Now the men realize they have to do something other than just sit on their raft, which is stuck in a fog bank.  The shark is aggressive and when it is ready for another meal, it just rams the rickety raft. Remember Will the brainiac?  He starts using his head and comes up with some nice ideas for survival. He even spots a motorboat, but as luck would have it, it is several yards away from their raft.  If things could not get any worse...the Japanese come back to finish the job.

Can Will figure out a way to get to the motorboat?  Will the warrior Leo prove might and brawn is more important than brains in this situation? Is the big bad Great White a mere metaphor for the monster that is war and its desire to eat us all up, even if we survive?  Ask the Russians and Ukrainians that one.  For a gory, poignant, and terrifying big shark, see "Beast of War."