Dollman, A 13-Inch Cop

As the 80s melded into the 90s, Full Moon Entertainment became king of straight-to-video releases.  A number of franchise plot devices and characters were created.  Charles Band knew what he was doing and Blockbuster made a fortune in rental sales because of him.  Little people (no, not midgets) and little creatures were favorites of audiences with some nice cheese and sexual situations added in.  Today we will look at 1991's "Dollman," directed by Albert Pyun.

On the Planet Arturos, a "Dirty Harry" like cop is suspended for brutality.  Brick Bardo (Tim Thomerson) shoots first and asks questions later.  After his latest feat, the suspended cop is captured by an old nemesis, Sprug (Frank Collison). Sprug is a detached head that flies around on a small flying saucer and has in his possession a bomb that can blow up the entire planet. Brick murders Sprug's henchmen and chases the head. Both beings climb aboard spaceships and end up crash landing on Earth. Now the 13-inch detective is at a disadvantage...size wise. Being the cop he is, Brick saves the lovely Debi (Kamala Lopez) from violation from a drug gang lead by Braxton (Jackie Earle Haley).  Retreating from the murderous cop, the gang finds Sprug and brings him with them. Now Debi takes Brick home and Sprug buys Braxton's help with the promise of a bomb that can destroy all of New York City.

Sprug wants revenge on Brick, who is responsible for shooting off all his limbs.  Brick tries to help Debi clean up her neighborhood and murders a lot of drug thugs. Now Braxton sends his gang after Brick, but Brick, even at his small size, wipes them out.  Now Braxton gets smart and grabs Debi, luring Brick to his hideout.  Ultimately, Braxton plans to destroy New York with his new fusion bomb.  The small cop with a potent gun shies away from no villain, and his sense of chivalry draws him into the ambush in order to save the noble damsel.

Will the unification of Braxton and Sprug spell the annihilation of the Big Apple?  Will the little cop with a big heart be able to save Debi?  Even if the the 13-inch cop saves the normal sized babe, can they actually do anything to celebrate?  This is a good one filled with wit, gore, violence, and a lot of shoot-outs.  See "Dollman" and be ready for a ton of spin-offs and sequels.

Night of the Bloody Transplant, Organ Carnage

The brilliance of man, in the 60s and 70s, gave us space exploration and organ transplant.  The U.S. and Soviets were landing men on the moon and visiting planets.  Doctors were on the verge of perfecting heart transplants.  NASA and the medical profession then took another direction.  NASA focused on irrelevant causes like the global warming hoax and the medical profession got all hot and bothered about cholesterol.  Mad scientists were replaced by federal grant happy dorks with medical degrees.  Today's feature harps back to the day when heart transplants still had us awe inspired, 1970's "Night of the Bloody Transplant," directed by David W. Hanson.

Dr. Jim Arnold (Cal Seely) is frustrated.  He can't get the medical profession to listen to him.  They think he's a quack. Jim says he can perfect heart transplants.  He's way ahead of his time.  Jim has a patient, Mrs. Woodruff, an old lady who is happy to fund him.  His nurse, Beth (Elizabeth Rawlings), believes in him.  So does his thug/prize fighting brother, Tom (Dick Grimm). Tom has a problem with women...they reject him and he murders them.  The good news, after Tom murders a party girl, Jim now has a heart to transplant into Mrs. Woodruff.

The surgery goes well...for Mrs. Woodruff...not the lady Tom pummeled to death.  Now the police are involved.  Paul (David Haller), a detective, is hot on the clues.  He follows the trail of murdered gals, who just happen to be missing their hearts.  Tom becomes more unstable when another party girl blackmails him.  Beth believes the well oiled machine of her and Jim would run a lot better without the brute Tom.  More murders and more police scrutiny lead to Jim and Beth having to get more creative and also put them in major peril.

Drive-in quality all the way, there will be enough gore and cheese to satisfy.  Has the Fauci-ization of the U.S. healthcare industry destroyed the possibility of ever perfecting heart transplants? Are stupid and fictitious vaccines the main thrust of U.S. medicine now that Big Pharma rules the day?  Does pretty Nurse Beth stand a chance at surviving this film with a mad scientist and prize fighting thug surrounding her?  For some good 1970s drive-in madness, see "Night of the Bloody Transplant."

Death Dancers, BDSM Madam's Plot for Revenge

Today we have the magnum opus of Deborah Dutch! Many of you know the name. Those of you who don't...well, trust me...she is talented and apparently big in South Korea...as is Anthony Zerbe. BDSM out the Ying Yang! You will get your film dose of it with this film thanks to an all-in performance by Ms. Dutch.  Sick of watching bore-athons like "Shadowlands" and "Barry Lyndon"? You owe it to yourself to view this anthem from the BDSM world of deviance and carnal bacchanalia. Our feature today is 1993's "Death Dancers," directed by Jason Holt.

Shannon (Dutch) gets pregnant and her BDSM husband is not pleased. He beats the snot out of her causing a miscarriage. What does she do? Watch the film. A serial killer is murdering men who attend BDSM nightclubs.  Not nearly as deviant as the peeps on The Epstein List. Shannon is the #1 BDSM peep and charges top dollar to humiliate you, tie you up, make you beg, whip you, and lick her feet. Sure, she is a metaphor for our celebrity class and political elite today. Her girls also demand top-dollar and perform at the aforementioned nightclub.  The most interesting of her girls is Itsani (Sunset Thomas), who will befriend the undercover cop Will (Mitchell Scott).  Will wants to meet Shannon probably because he thinks she is the serial killer. He has cuffs ready for her, but we are not sure if they are for the arrest or...well, never mind.

Will also has a backstory.  His GF died 10 years ago and he sort of went bonkers when that happened. Now he is deep into the BDSM world and infatuated by his latest suspect, the mysterious Shannon. Flashbacks are prurient and do fill out the plot and explain what is really going on. Where does this all lead?  This film starts out incredibly deviant, ramps it up several degrees, and then presents a final reveal that is so prurient and deviant that you will need a shower to wash the memory of it off.  Nudity, whipping, humiliation, threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes, and the taboo will cascade into the plot even if you are not asking for it.

Is Shannon the killer?  Is Will really interested in catching the killer?  Are the two tragic backstories at all connected?  Not for everyone, but Ms. Dutch is 100% into her performance and carries the film. If you need some prurient movie viewing to let you know that you are not as deviant as you thought...or to give you some ideas that you probably should not come up with, see "Death Dancers."

Camp Pleasant Lake, Brother and Sister with Big Knives

Great cast and great body count.  How many?  Dozens...maybe 40 or 50, most offed with a very big knife in this slasher epic.  Oh, a fine cast of peeps you want to see...like Michael Pare and Devanny Pinn, and standouts from Mahal Empire films like Robert LaSardo.  Nostalgic for those 80 slasher film tropes?  Here they are...set at a summer camp by the lake with counselors and stupid campers, and killers who relish in gutting them....oh yeah, Michael Pare is in it...I guess I said that. Our feature today is 2024's "Camp Pleasant Lake," directed by Thomas Walton.

22 years ago a lot of bad stuff happened, and I'm not talking about the Bush Administration.  In brief, a great looking couple, Ruby (Leila Almas Rose) and John (James Di Giacomo) are headed to a marriage counseling retreat but first need to drop their two children off at summer camp.  They barely get there after being traumatized by a weird, perverted, and sadistic family. Mom and dad will be murdered in humiliating fashion by the weird family in which Angel (LaSardo) and Lou (Mike Ferguson) will noose them. The kids?  Echo and Jasper?  Humiliation and horror await them at camp.  Present day, Echo (Kelly Lynn Reiter) and Jasper (Jonathan Lipnicki) are back...as killers that hang around that camp.  The camp? New owners!  Rick (Pare) and his wife have turned it into a horror camp themed after the horror that took place 22 years ago.  The horror that took place?  It will be replayed now, with the new campers and counselors.

Supposedly, the campers and counselors will endure the horror of the kind little Echo and Jasper endured long ago.  They don't know that those two kids are back as psycho adults, and both have big knives. Oh, remember that weird family, which included Angel and Lou?  They are still around.  The adults that need killing, in the minds of Echo and Jasper, number almost 60.  Certainly, in a 90 minute movie these two psychos won't get to all 60? Or will they?  The knives get plenty of use, as does torture, and various other slasher weapons.  A lot here, and the confluence of horrible events that occurred 22 years ago are gone into in great detail.

We should note the performance of Devanny Pinn.  Her scene toward the end of the film is classic slasher horror, and merits some sort of Oscar. Okay, the death count is high, but will Michael Pare survive this slasher onslaught?  Just what happened to Echo and Jasper over the past 22 years?  Do the counselors and campers deserve their fates?  For dozens of bloody stabbings, and twisted backstories, see "Camp Pleasant Lake."   

Obsession, A Cheating Couple Tormented

Many times one cannot blame the murderer...at least in films.  As in life, in movies, the victim so often deserved their fate.  A cheating spouse, the slick boyfriend/girlfriend of that spouse...they have it coming. We may not advocate murder, but some people just need killing.  You probably know many of them.  Our feature today is 1949's "Obsession" (aka "The Hidden Room"), directed by Edward Dmytryk and filmed at Pinewood Studios in England.

We like Clive (Robert Newton), a gentleman who smokes cigar and sips wine at a men's club in London. One night, the wealthy doctor, supposedly on a long business trip, arrives home to catch his lovely wife, Storm (Sally Gray) and her lover Bill (Phil Brown), an American. Uh oh, Clive has a gun.  Does he shoot them? That would be too easy and below what is expected of a gentleman. No...he slaps Storm, she leaves the room, and at gunpoint takes Bill away. To where and to do what with?  Kill him? Not so simple. See, Clive has it all worked out and has figured out how to commit the perfect murder. Now Clive owns the cheating Storm.  He watches her closely and she dares not cross him fearing he is a killer.  But is he?  Storm believes Clive has murdered her lover.

Well, guess what. Clive is not yet a killer...but intends to be.  The gentleman is keeping the gadabout American alive in a room in bomb out ruins in London.  No one will hear him scream and Bill is also chained.  Uh oh for Bill...Clive is an amateur mad scientist and is working on disposal of body techniques.  So why is Clive not killing Bill? The gentleman torments his wife's lover while feeding him and providing daily martinis.  Months go by and...well, Clive seems to have the perfect plan. But wait!  Inspector Finsbury (Naunton Wayne) shows up on routine inquiries.  Here is all you have to know; Insp. Finsbury is the English version of Colombo.  Enough said.

Why is Clive keeping Bill alive?  Has Clive really figured how to get away with the perfect murder?  Does Bill have any shot at escaping and surviving to the end credits?  This film is reminiscent of the old Hammer films before they switched to horror.  Clever, witty, and perhaps a lesson to all those figuring on cheating on a spouse who is smarter than you.  See "Obsession" and decide for yourself if you like the ending. 

Alien Invasion: Rise of the Phoenix, Michael Pare is in it!

Okay, a hard movie to defend.  So here it is...Michael Pare is in it!  There! We like Michael Pare.  I admit he does jump off a cliff in the Grand Canyon early on and...splat!  But how many actors can pull that off? Remember, he didn't even do that in "Eddie and the Cruisers" or "Streets of Fire."  Well, maybe not literally.  In this film, he does.  It was so magical and his form was pretty good. Also, the babe actresses in this film are infinitely better actresses than Carrie Fisher was. As far as being interesting, this film is infinitely better than that "Star Wars" Mandalorian garbage.  Our feature today is 2025's "Alien Invasion: Rise of the Phoenix," directed by Stefano Milla.

Alice (Melissa Rokuskie) is a babe geologist or anthropologist with a team in the Arizona desert.  Above, in a space-lab is her sister, the babe scientist June (Jennifer Mischiati). Both have hunks on their teams and we do wish for them to enjoy some passion with them...but back to the story. Alice and June are about to see their life work pay off...or not.  Yep, they undertake something many of us undertake in our youth... teleportation.  These experiments always go so well,  so when this one has weird side effects, the two babes will be surprised.  Back on Earth, Alice has a team member, Cory (Charles von Swayze) ogling her and he will get to work with her trying to get rid of the hordes of tree monsters and the Godzilla-sized rock monster.  Wait!  Did I fail to mention all that?

June, romances no one, and that's too bad.  She stays in a no-gravity room for much of the film and romance in one of those would have conjured up images of Roger Moore doing Lois Chiles. June must now grab a flame thrower and battle a tree monster and other slimy aliens that have invaded her space-lab.  Okay, I admit, I have left out a lot, but just given what I have told you, don't you want to see this film?  Again, June and Alice are babes.  Did I mention the Godzilla-sized rock monster heading toward Phoenix?  Oh, that dive Michael Pare did off the cliff rivals Harrison Ford's dive off the dam in "The Fugitive," except we like Michael Pare.

Will the sultry Alice forget about her rocks and plant a deep wet one on the shy Cory?  Will June and her flamethrower incinerate the tree monster and are flamethrowers a good idea on space stations? So what are the dynamics that June gets to be in space and Alice is stuck in the rocks in the desert, and are they such that a catfight may be brewing?  Monsters, Michael Pare, flamethrowers, space-babes, anthropologist babes, and Cory the hunk...all good reason to watch "Alien Invasion: Rise of the Phoenix."  

Eyes Behind the Stars, Italy's Take on Close Encounters

A year after "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" came out, Italy gave us this feature. The makers of this film let us know that we are indeed watching a true story.  One other thing the Italians have given us in this film that the Spielberg did not, and could not...Euro-Babes!  Yep, Euro-Babes in danger from government spooks, the media, UFOs and aliens, UFO experts, and a super secret society. Euro-Babes in peril.  So sad, they will get b#@&h-slapped, pummeled, possessed, have their brains drained, etc.  The misogyny the Italians seem to have for babes must stem from World War 2 when their women mocked their husbands and boyfriends who claimed to be fighting a war.  Our feature today is 1978's "Eyes Behind the Stars," directed by Mario Gariazzo (the Spielberg of Italy). 

Okay, fashion photographer, and hunk Peter (Franco Garofalo) is shooting sultry model Karin (Sherry Buchanan). Karin poses well and looks very fashionable...though she will not continue looking fashionable. No, after Peter gets abducted by ETs because he accidentally photographed them, he's brought on their spaceship, put on a slab, probed, and studied and sent back to some alien planet. Karin will also be abducted, and we can imagine what happens to her...though she'll be back. Tony (Robert Hoffman), a hunk reporter, and Perry (Victor Valente), a UFO expert, team up. Tony has Peter's pics of that fashion shoot and sees the ETs and their UFO. Tony has a smoking hot secretary, Monica (Nathalie Delon), and what happens to her will be difficult to watch, though one wonders if Tony had hidden women-issues as he pummels and tortures her...anyway, let's leave these scenes out.

Also interested in the pics of the aliens are...the aliens!  They want the pics and people with knowledge of them start dying from radiation burns.  Inspector Grant (Martin Balsam) also wants the pics, as he heads the secret police in Italy.  Oh yes, The Silencers want the pics. These Silencers keep secrets and prevent the public from finding out information that would drive them into a panic. Meanwhile Karin reappears as a drooling idiot and is sent to a psyche ward...typical woman!  Monica displeases Tony and Perry and she will have the snot kicked out of her while looking very fashionable.  The aliens get closer to Perry and Tony, who never come across as that smart.  Uh oh, all these organizations are coming together and none of them show an ability to play nice.

Will Perry and Tony sexually assault the fashionable Monica?  Will any of the aforementioned groups prevail or will they all knock-off each other?  Is some of the  plot lost in over-ambitious dubbing? For some wonderful European misogyny, and a conspiracy anthem, see "Eyes Behind the Stars." 

Blood in Them Hills, Cowboys, Gunslingers, Indians, and Monsters

The Old West! Maybe the best movie setting of all time.  Men were men, women were women, and bullets cast the final votes. A real man smoked cigars or cigarettes, and a real women knew how to please the men. Throw in some Apache, who no one liked, some cannibals, and a monster called a wendigo and we have 2025's "Blood in Them Hills," directed by Kellen Garner and Christopher Sheffield.

There is a lot in this film, as there usually is when cannibals, Apache, and wendigos are mentioned in the same description (Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon" for example), and we will not touch on most of it. Let us first talk about cowboy Joe (Garner) who heads a gang of psychos who rob a bank. A shootout occurs and him and his gang get away with gold bars. Doc (Chad Green), the town doctor is furious that the gang murdered his best friend during the robbery and sets out to find them. Joe can't quite put down a mutiny by his cousin and has to flee leaving Mack (Chris Cleveland) as head of the gang. Joe keeps the gold and is quickly taken prisoner by Doc, who wants to kill him. Leading Joe back to justice, Doc comes across a torn apart farm and finds midwife Willow (Aria Song) and the baby who survived whatever befell this farm. What did befall this farm? The wendigo!

Now the four trek back to the nearest town, Joe in handcuffs. Uh oh...wendigo monsters are not the immediate problem. Cannibals manning a trading post are. This won't end well and the four are on the run again from cannibals. The cannibals attack and are destroyed by Apache and a wendigo. The wendigo? An ugly thing with great big claws and a bovine head. The snows come and it does not look good for Doc, Joe, Willow, and the baby. The wendigo seems to want the baby and gets aggressive. Doc tries to keep the kid and Willow alive without food in the frigid woods as Joe plots escape with the gold he absconded with. Uh oh...the wendigo has a way of uniting mortals even though they don't have what it takes to fight it off. The baby cries, Doc desires justice, Joe is torn between the life of his new friends and greed, and Willow tries to be the mother of a baby she never wanted. The wendigo will decide.

Will Joe become a good guy and use his gunfighting skills to kill creatures and save babies?  Will Doc be able to bring Joe back to face a court of law and still save Willow and the baby? Are the cannibals at the trading post a bit gratuitous for this plot or are cannibals an underused plot device? This is a long film and we did not even talk about the first 45 minutes of it. For what ultimately is a terrific horror film that poses some great questions, see "Blood in Them Hills."

Monster on a Plane, Critters at 35,000 Feet

Remember "Critters" from 1986? They're back, or at least, the German version.  The little buggers are now at 35,000 feet feasting on babe coeds, sultry stewardesses, hunks, and a cockpit crew.  "Airport" from the 1970s was supposed to be this movie but Dean Martin went spastic when he found out he would have to swap spit with a toothy creature. Today we look at the greatest film ever made in Germany, 2024's "Monster on a Plane," directed by Ezra Tsegaye.

A mad scientist smuggles a suitcase on board a 747 heading to Hamburg from some island paradise. Turbulence occurs and the suitcase opens in the cargo hold. Pretty stewardess Nathalie (Eva Haberman) is on her last flight before retirement, and enjoys talking naughty things with hot young stewardess Karin (Kim Kelly Braun).  Also on board is a nerdy professor, Ben (Robin Czerny), who is returning with his students back to Germany. His students? Most notably the nympho Melanie (Isabel Dornheim) and sweet Salima (Anamika Ditta). Okay, the creature, who looks a lot like the critters in the aforementioned 80s classic, first eats pretty stewardess Karin as she has pre-marital sex with the  co-pilot Nico (Nicolas Torrez).  To make matters worse, when the monster farts, the gas gets anyone near it high and they hallucinate. 

The creature attacks after farting thus the victims see either a centerfold model approaching or some other form of seduction getting close.  The erotic hallucinations allow the little toothy bugger to get up close and bite a limb off.  The pretty coeds will be shredded and so will most of the passengers.  The death count is astronomical and we plead with the screen that at least one sultry stewardess survives.  Nathalie is the best bet to be the surviving stewardess as she grabs anything she can to fight off the predator.  Uh oh, she'll also have to fight off a serial killer, all while falling in love with Ben.  So sweet.  Okay, there's a lot more, but now you see the ingredients to make the greatest film ever out of the EU country rapidly becoming a failed state. 

Will Karin and Nico's erotic death scene be used by stewardess training academies as a case study on the perils of pre-marital sex in the lavatory?  Will anyone on this 747 survive?  Is there any truth to reported accounts that Fritz Lang wrote this screenplay before leaving Nazi Germany for the U.S. in 1934?  Sultry stewardesses, a toothy creature, hot coeds, and an astronomical death count all await you when you put on "Monster on a Plane."

The Mad Bomber, A Bert I. Gordon Crime Drama

Bert I. Gordon did not just do giant creature films, though we do love those monster films. Today we look at a gritty, twisted, and prurient crime drama in which he cast former Los Angeles Dodger and Boston Celtic star, Chuck Connors as the psycho. This early 1970s thriller has a "Dirty Harry" feel to it especially when it comes to the Andrew Robinson psycho. Even worse, the mad bomber character is not the seediest, most depraved creep in this movie.  Our feature today is 1973's "The Mad Bomber" (aka "The Police Connection"), directed by Bert I. Gordon. 

As our film begins, Dorn (Connors) puts a homemade bomb in the halls of a Los Angeles high school.  Boom!  Many children are blown to bits and we see the awful carnage.  Dorn, is a tall fanatical character who is very anal about politeness and following the law to the letter. Next up, he blows up a hospital nearby.  Many die.  Uh oh...a witness.  Here's a problem, she is mute and never saw the bad guy.  The bad guy?  No, not the bomber, but the creep who raped her.  The young woman raped was mute and can't provide Detective Minelli (Vince Edwards) any information. Minelli figures out that whoever raped the young woman in a hospital storage closet also saw the bomber.  Now Minelli is looking for a very perverted and active rapist...in order to gain his cooperation.  The rapist?  Fromley (Neville Brand).  Fromley rapes beautiful young women in nice L.A. neighborhoods in a very vicious manner.

Minelli now has to turn into a vice cop in order to get a witness who can identify the bomber.  Meanwhile, Dorn continues his carnage.  Is there a pattern to the bombings? Yep, but it won't be readily apparent to Minelli or the police psychologists.  Fromley is an easier catch and eventually Minelli busts him. With dozens of aggravated rapes under his collar, Fromley is not eager to help Minelli.  Minelli turns into Harry Callahan and finally gets somewhere.  Dorn?  He is getting more ambitious and his backstory is slowly revealed.  Even more interesting, Dorn is aware that the cops have a witness against him.

Will Fromley decide to cooperate with Det. Minelli?  Why is Dorn blowing up places filled with lots of people and is there a pattern that will help the cops know the next target?  Will Detective Minelli refrain from murdering the perverted rapist long enough to let him identify the mad bomber?  This is a gory one and Bert I. Gordon will have no qualms about showing you children blown to bits.  For a vicious police thriller, see "The Mad Bomber."   

Disturbance, Remake of The Hidden

Remember the 1987 scifi/horror film "The Hidden"?  You remember, Kyle MacLachlan and Michael Nouri. One of the best 1980s movies that no one ever talks about. Our feature today is almost an identical remake of it, though the f/x are lower budget.  Still, we must talk about Colleen Porch, who plays Logan in this one. She's sultry and toned.  She's tanned and bad-a**.  Her midriff is second to none and she looks great wielding a pistol and sporting a tactical holster...alas, we'll not mention her much as her demise is one of the saddest in low-budget horror history.  Our feature today is 2005's "Disturbance" (aka "Choker"), directed by Nick Vallelonga.

Hud Masters (Paul Sloan) has the best 6-pack abs in movie history, you dames will love him. He's a hunk and also a serial killer who was apparently executed for strangling and raping massive amounts of babes. Instead of being executed, a friendly alien being comes to Earth, enters his body through the mouth, and goes in search of evil aliens who want to possess human hosts, then take over the planet. A super secret agency, headed by Russo (Vallelonga) tasks Hud to murder the evil aliens in their new bodies which tend to be hookers, thugs, skanks, and karate masters. Hud's handler? The sultry Logan.  Sadly, there is a little bit of the old Hud Masters in the new one. The rapist, strangler Hud...and Logan finds this out the hard way.

Leader (Hayley DuMond) commands a decreasing number of evil aliens. Here we should mention the most sultry coroner in horror film history, Santo (Katrina Law). Yep, Mr. Vallelonga cast his movies nicely. Let's move on from the sexy coroner, and back to Leader.  Hud gets closer to Leader as the two seem to have a psychic connection.  Oh, by the way, the dumpy Russo has married way above his pay grade and has a sultry wife (Susse Budde) and daughter at home. Relevant? It is once Leader finds out about them.  Hud is losing steam, as human hosts don't provide permanent shells.  Leader is losing her steam.  Leader makes a bold move, and Hud must stay alive long enough to foil it.

What's the deal with Logan, and her early departure?  Will Hud get to Leader to kill her before the evil alien figures out a way to stay alive and conquer Earth?  Who is Nick Vallelonga that he can get so many sultry actresses to appear in his low budget spectacular?  If you missed that aforementioned 1987 film, or even if you saw it, enjoy "Disturbance" for a Friday night fright flick.

Jurassic Domination, Eric Roberts, Jamie Bernadette, and Dinosaurs

Eric Roberts as a 4-Star General? Well, better than General Lloyd Austin! More importantly, one of this blogs favorites, Jamie Bernadette as a full-bird army colonel. Sure we'd rather see her as a sultry dame assassin clad in black leather, but no one wears a colonel's uniform better that Ms. Bernadette. Thank you to our buddies at The Asylum for delivering this dinosaur flick...more specifically allosaurus monsters. Remember the allosaurus from the 1970s TV show "Land of the Lost"? Our feature today is 2022's "Jurassic Domination," directed by Brian Nowak.

Yep, happens everyday. The US Army is creating a genetically altered dinosaur to replace humans on the battlefield. Tried in South America, and maybe soon in The Ukraine, these allosaurus genetically altered monsters, wipe through cartels like crap through a goose. Now they have wiped through an army base in the US the same way. Col. Ramirez (Bernadette), looking good in her uniform, commands this base and reports directly to General Greer (Roberts) at The Pentagon. Her troops? Shredded.  Her scientists? Shredded...except for the sultry geneticist Carrie (Alissa Filoramo). Any soldier babe that will provide eye-candy? Shredded. This leaves Major Tanner (Jack Pearson) and his inept men, and one soon to be shredded babe (Jenny Tran) to contain the monsters. Right! The general wants the weaponized creatures alive.

Taking them alive does not go well.  Tanner and his ever shrinking team are methodically going though the base looking for these things.  The things are also looking for the team. Wait! The sultry babe scientist Carrie has invented a plasma-blasting gun. It can stun and possibly murder the monsters.  The results are mixed when tried on the allosaurus things.  Col. Bernadette looks worried and eventually will grab a blaster and go after the little buggers. Yep, you guessed it. In addition to the escaped dinosaurs, a mother allosaurus has laid eggs, which have hatched, and now the mom and her babies are also loose on the base. 

Will Colonel Bernadette and the sultry scientist Carrie engage in a catfight?  Will Colonel Bernadette and Carrie make it as models on the Plasma-Blaster calendar for 2026?  Will the grunting Major Tanner be able to save any of his team from the buffet line of the allosaurus monsters?  Fans of films from The Asylum will love this one.  Fans of babe scientists with Plasma-Blasters will love this one.  Fans of Jamie Bernadette in uniform will love this one.  All others are wusses.  See "Jurassic Domination" and get your Plasma-Blaster calendar today.   

Doctor X, Ghouls, Cannibalism, and Fay Wray

We have not done a Fay Wray film in quite awhile, so today we examine a rare find from 1932. Yep, the lovely Miss Wray will be in a lot of peril while in a nightgown and very vulnerable. No gorilla here, just a cannibal that wants to eat her. She'll scream, prance around in a nightgown or a shiny silk robe, and even wield a gun.  Our feature today is "Doctor X," directed by Michael Curtiz. This 1932 film was filmed in two-color Technicolor by Warner Brothers.

The Moon Killer has murdered his 6th victim in 6 months. He partially eats his victims after strangling them. The police call in the renowned Dr. Xavier (Lionel Atwill), aka Dr. X. Dr. X finds traces of cannibalism on the corpses and the cops ask him about his Academy of Surgical Research.  Apparently every scientist on staff is a scientist studying the effects of the moon on the human brain, or cannibalism.  A few of his colleagues have even dabbled in cannibalism...who amongst us has not?  Lee (Lee Tracy) is a reporter who has snuck into the morgue and has heard all this. The cops allow Dr. X to conduct his own investigation at his Academy.  Oh, Joanna (Wray) is the doc's sultry daughter and she always walks into his lab at the wrong times. Oh, Lee followed Dr. X back there and has snuck into the place.

Suspecting one of his colleagues of the murder, Dr. X has an experiment that will catch the killer.  Dr. Haines (John Wray), who partook in cannibalism, is the #1 suspect...too easy?  Dr. Wells (Preston Foster) is not a suspect because he only has one arm...oh, really? There are a few more. Dr. X believes he can access the carnal subconscious of these men, draw those to the foreconscious, and expose the real killer.  Meanwhile Lee hides in shadows and the lab closet to find out all he can.  Through some unfortunate circumstances, Joanna, in her nightgown and shiny silk robe, is now put in the path of a very disfigured and ghoulish killer.  Defenseless, all looks lost for Joanna, but could the monster be one of the scientists?

Will Joanna and Lee fall in love?  Will the monster ravage the lovely Joanna?  Just what kind of experiments occur at this weird surgical academy?  Fay Wray is sultry and her screams and looks of horror are classic.  For a neat mad scientist and damsel in peril film, made in color in 1932, see "Doctor X."

Great White Waters, Bikini Babe vs. Sharks and Druggies

Yep, a blonde bikini babe at war with a drug cartel and Great White sharks. Once again, gritty reality from our friends at The Asylum. Sure, bimbos are people too, so why can't they go to war with sharks and cartel henchmen?  Our heroine today has a lot of guns, a boat, and great big...er, I mean a great big smile. Our feature today is 2025's Tubi Original "Great White Waters," directed by Anthony C. Ferrante.

Sultry widow Gia (Angela Cole), clad in a bikini is out on her boat...fishing.  Okay, fishing and jiggling... there, I said it. Looking good while battling a rod and reel, hauling in minnows, her boat comes across another boat belonging to a drug cartel run by the ruthless Leo Reverend (Steve Hanks). Gia doesn't know that one of Leo's men has just been eaten by a shark. See, Leo is on shore bribing the governor as his peeps haul in crates of cocaine from the ocean floor. See, the first boat that was supposed to haul in these crates was eaten, with its crew, by a swarm of Great Whites. Now Jareth (Johnny Ramey) commands the crew and has two bikini babes working with him. Charlotte (Ashton Leigh) is a henchwoman who will shoot anyone if commanded to, and the sniper Lee (Michelle Ng Mini).

With one of his men already eaten, Jareth orders his crew to capture Gia and use her boat. Now Gia is charged with dropping chum to distract the sharks. Uh oh for Jareth and the babes...Gia has a surprise for them. Now Gia is battling the henchmen and henchwoman. The ditz that she is, she is recaptured and now forced to go to the ocean floor and retrieve the sunken coke.  The sharks are all big and there are dozens of them. However, ancient wisdom has taught all of us, a blonde bikini babe with an attitude is greater that a horde of Great Whites.

Three bikini babes, will Gia prevail in a catfight against bikini henchwomen Lee and Charlotte? Just what kind of weapons can Gia pull out from her bikini?  With three grouchy dames, do Jareth, Leo, and the sharks have a chance? Fans of The Asylum flicks will love this one.  Fans of bikini babes will love this one.  Fans of bikini babes shooting machine guns, spear guns, and catfighting will love this one.  All others are mere wusses.  See "Great White Waters," and develop a newfound appreciation for bikini babes with guns...okay, maybe not a newfound appreciation.   

Bikini Nuns, The Church's Answer to Charlie's Angels

Chrissie Wunna just turned in her Magnum Opus in "Crocs!" How does she follow that up?  Well, with a role that that was made for her.  Made by the Lutherans (not really), we have an ages old tale of nuns with great big...smiles...who seduce and murder.  Yeah, there is a plot.  A plot that seems to interfere with this movie's desire to...well...add to that offering plate.  Big...smiles...will abound, and seduction will be squirted like rancid holy water!  Our feature today is "Bikini Nuns," directed by Sushank Kini.

Okay, back in 1992 there was an orphanage massacre that wiped out so many children.  Three little girls survived and became nuns.  They are grown up and fully...inspired.  Now nuns, Mary (Wunna) and her great big...ambition, leads the trio.  There is also the vixen Sarah (Anna Rakhvalova), and the Kate Jackson of the group, Eva (Clara Legallais-Moha).  Under the guidance of the weird priest, Father Grey (Christopher Kouros), the trio go out and search for all responsible for that massacre.  Once found, the babes...er, nuns, will seduce them and shoot them.  In habits, but never for long, the gals grab machineguns, pistols, and other deadly weapons and set out for vengeance.  Now, this is all about a third of the story.  Most of the story is our three babes...sisters, most notably Mary, looking at themselves in the mirror, feeling themselves up, giving themselves tender cleavage buffs, applying cosmetics, and admiring their naked selves.

Now, the hussies...er, sisters, give us quite an exhibition of shiny and supportive undergarments.  Their b..., er smiles, are always highlighted.  Their actions are always similar.  Throw on a habit, much to their annoyance...find the bad guy...seduce him...peel off the habit...pull a gun....demand answers to questions... and then murder the bloke way before he has a chance to answer questions.  They then return to the convent, strip out of the habit, feel themselves up, apply more tender cleavage buffs, and admire themselves in the mirror.  Then do it all again.  The bras are all shiny and garters are prevalent.  Okay, back to a deeper message.  The gals get more violent and further away from innocence with each killing. 

Biting reality from a story ripped right out of the headlines, this film captures a story that demanded to be told.  Will there be a catfight between the vicious nuns?  Will there be a shower scene that includes these ladies?  Will there be one of those nuns undercover in a strip joint scene?  With an almost identical plot to the Anthony Hopkins movie "Shadowlands," "Bikini Nuns" has more cheese and prurience.  After all, who do you want to see in a movie, Chrissie Wunna or Debra Winger? 

  

Schizo, Euro-Babes in Peril

This one is almost Giallo, though made in England and not Italy. Still we have Euro-Babes doing naughty things and in great peril. In fairness, it might be other Euro-Babes that are the cause of the peril...might. Big knives, throats slit, needles through heads, impalements, more big knives, and a lot of blood. There will be screaming and hunks that never really know what is going on...typical men.  Our feature today is 1976's "Schizo," directed by Pete Walker.

Sam (Lynne Frederick) is a 21-year-old figure skater...quite a dish. Here's a clue...not her fiancé Alan (John Layton) or bestie Beth (Stephanie Beacham) know much about her. Nevertheless, Sam is a babe and Alan marries her. Okay, so this is the backstory that we are given. When Sam was six, she heard William (Jack Watson) upstairs banging her mom. Sam wandered up there and saw this strange guy stabbing her mom to death. 15 years later, Sam is marrying Alan and Jack is paroled and now stalks Sam...with a knife. Jack stalks and terrorizes Sam, or so that is what we see. He'll do this at the wedding, and Sam does not want to tell anyone about it. Sam goes to her bestie's BF Leonard (John Fraser) and tells him. Leonard is a psychiatrist and notices something odd about Sam...he'll be stabbed in the back of the head soon after.

Now Sam insists this William is back and terrorizing her.  Finally Alan and Beth know about her past.  William gets bolder even sneaking into Sam and Alan's house.  Now it gets weirder as Sam goes to visit a psychic club and what happens there is really creepy.  It'll get creepy for the psychic as she will be bludgeoned to death after the seance. Bodies are piling up and Sam is screaming more and yelling at everyone that William has come back to murder her. See where this is going?  Where this is going will be very twisted and sordid...and quite bloody.  Sam gets to be annoying but we do like the perky Beth, probably because she is so pretty and not nearly as annoying and narcissistic as Sam.

Is William the killer?  What did happen to Sam's mom 15 years ago?  Are all sultry babes totally insane? The cheese factor is terrific.  The hunk factor is terrific.  Jack Watson does a great job as a maybe-slasher.  Blood, screams, nudity, and Euro-Babes in peril is enough to make this film a worthwhile watch.  Also, Stephanie Beacham is in it!  See "Schizo," and enjoy Lynne Frederick and Stephanie Beacham turning in quite sexy performances. 

Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan, Zombie in the Woods

Yep...straight to VHS Troma fare! Hey, it beats "Barry Lyndon," or "Ordinary People." Ambitious as far as a plot, which we will discuss in brief.  Also, this may be the best film ever to be shot in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Loads of babes and hunks misbehaving to Rock & Roll, engaging in pre-marital sex, and generally just being annoying. Let us delve into this mad-scientist/voodoo/zombie film from 1991, "Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan," directed by Randall Dininni.

Let us begin with Diana (BJ Moyer). Babe...she'll spend the entire movie screaming in fear, crying, and having nightmares. Quite the babe, but we do get tired of her. Her BF, Bradley (Joseph Miller) is a hunk who deserves a medal for putting up with her. Harry (Thomas E. Blair) is a mad scientist who creates a hungan. Hungan (David A. Yoakam)? Yep, a zombie resurrected by voodoo serum, only this zombie is put together with parts of different bodies. Thus Harry is also a grave robber. The zombie is animated in Harry's lab and murders two doctors, a janitor, two nurses, a security guard, and gets out. Now it uses its clawed hand to wipe faces off its victims or disemboweling them. Bradley and Diana will join a lot of friends, but she will keep screaming and having nightmares, anyway.

Tom (also played by Yoakam) and Karen (Barbara Tutolo) organize a rock concert for everyone and then arrange this camping trip. Oh, Angie (Rocet Singer)! Very hot! The hottest dame in this film. She wakes up in bed, clad in lingerie, with total strangers...she will be on the camping trip. You know who else, or what else will be on the camping trip? Yep! The hungan. We like the hungan...he seems so appropriate for this film. He growls, roars, wipes the faces of hunks and babes, and does that a lot. The kill count will be enormous.  Diana will continue to scream, though at the campsite she will have something to scream about. Angie?  need you ask...so sad.

Will anyone survive this camping trip?  Why isn't the hungan a household word and Jason and Michael Myers are?  Can we get someone to create a whole series of sequels centering on the romances and perils of Angie? Sadly, this was Rocet Singer's only film...though she may have moved on to be a lingerie model. See "Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan" and just enjoy this Troma film for the fun film it is.