Monday, June 26, 2023

Underground Lizard People, Conspiracy Theorists Unite

A few years ago, say when this film was made in 2011, so-called 'conspiracy theorists' were classified as such if they doubted the Moon landing or believed Lizard People had colonies under major cities.  Today the Biden Administration, DOJ, FBI, CIA, the government controlled media, and academia classify anyone who wants lower taxes, opposes poison chemicals in our drinking water, doubts the motives of our public schools, disagrees with our military's efforts, or does not buy into Hunter Biden's innocence as 'conspiracy theorists,' too. Welcome to the world of a 'conspiracy theorist.' Oh, and those lizard people colonies...maybe, just maybe there is something to that.  Hence Jared Cohn's film "Underground Lizard People," perhaps more of a documentary than a horror film.

Say what you want about this film.  Mr. Cohn gives us a really attractive cast with gratuitous shots of things we want gratuitous shots of. Okay, hunk college student Jason (Clint Byne) is filming a documentary with three of his buddies,  Also in the group is sound girl Lynda (Lauren Klemp)...btw we get a nice undergarment scene with her...GF the stunning Rachel (Caitlan Gold) in an impressive sundress, and camera guy Jack (Colin Walker).  They are headed into abandoned tunnels under the city to investigate reports of lizard people dwelling there.  They'll have to dodge the homeless and winos.  Oh yes...Rachel will descend into the tunnels in her sundress.

They meet a weird hobo homeless bum, Chip (Cohn).  Then they meet humanoid lizard monsters.  The attack is on.  All the while Rachel and Lynda are about to get into a catfight over giving Jason oral sex...priorities. Now our film crew is in a fight for their lives and the lizard things are hungry.  Jack and his camera will continue to give us gratuitous shots of Rachel and Lynda and we do thank him for that.  The things will claw, bite, and feast.  All very believable.  I should say, infinitely more believable than thinking Hunter Biden will receive the justice due to him. 

Will any of our hunks or babes survive the monster onslaught?  Will Rachel or Lynda pull off the other's false-eyelashes and shove them up the other's nose?  Will a city ruled by lizard people function better than a country ruled by Biden?  Perhaps in 2011, this would have been a film we could have dismissed outright.  Here in 2023, well, you might want to take a serious look at it.  See "Underground Lizard People," and read the Max Gunssler novel BEAUTY QUEENS VS LIZARD PEOPLE  (Click on the link to view this novel on Amazon).


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