Thursday, May 12, 2022

Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove, Pirate's Revenge

We can't ignore films by The Asylum, especially if they have the word 'massacre' in the title. For all of you who were never persuaded that "The Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise is cinematic gold, 2005's "Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove" is a film for you. Disney films are for mind numbed robots, whereas The Asylum makes films we can all enjoy on their merits. Directed by Gary Jones, today's film boasts of over a dozen decapitations.

Hunks and babes who have just graduated high school are having a campfire at the beach. Sasha (Megan Lee Ethridge) and Tom (Justin Brannock) head to the surf for some gratuitous pre-marital sex. On the way, they find a treasure chest, open it, and toss the skull it contains into the! Bad move. The skull emerges as a decrepit Jolly Roger with a glowing eye and a big sword. Sasha and Tom will be chopped up as they do the dirty deed. Jolly Roger finds the rest of the party and decapitates a couple more, but Alex (Tom Nagel) and Jessie (Kristina Korn) flee. Now Jolly Roger (Rhett Giles) begins a crusade against all the town descendants of pirates who betrayed him.

Chief Mathis (Thomas Downey) is on the case. He seems sad and low energy. The nubile Jessie and under achieving Alex are his only suspects. When this duo escape custody, they too try to solve the case. Jolly Roger finds many pirate descendants and decapitates them...this quest will even take him into a strip club. Yep, even, exotic dancers can be descended from pirates...who knew? The decapitations continue and Chief Mathis finally realizes Jessie and Alex are not the killers. There is method to Jolly Roger's tirade and our crimefighters figure it out. As the population of Cutter's Cove diminishes rapidly, Alex, Jessie, and Mathis are headed to a run in with the Jolly and homicidal pirates from the past.

Will the nubile and almost sultry Jessie drop her under achieving boyfriend in favor of a real man who has been around? A pirate perhaps? Will Chief Mathis get a fire lit under him and be able to protect any of the doomed descendants? There are some classic kills in this one, and don't miss the beautiful beach babe who gets a marshmallow skewer through the eye...yes! For a jolly good time, see "Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove."

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