Saturday, March 24, 2018

Roller Blade, Skate Naked or Die

Three sultry nuns are captured by mutants, stripped to only their thongs and roller blades, and forced to engage in a naked cat-fight to their death. If this is offensive to no further. If that's not enough, after a daring rescue, this trio of nuns will be put through a cleansing ritual by their mother superior in which they will enter a hot tub together (nude, of course) and rub each other all over. Ah, the world is good again. Can you believe 1986's "Roller Blade" only received a 3.0/10 rating on IMDB?
During the second Dark Age in the City of Lost Angels, a mutant warlord, Saticoy (Robby Taylor), dominates this apocalyptic wasteland.  His band of mutants are bent on abducting beautiful babes on roller blades for rape and humiliation.  Their only opposition is an order of beautiful nuns on roller blades, clad in thongs and habits (which fall off) called the Holy Rollers. Enter the beautiful blonde Hunter (Shaun Michelle), an assassin for hire.  She is hired by Saticoy to penetrate the nun's mission and steal a sacred crystal.  She convinces the nuns that she wants to join them and warrior nun Sharon (Suzanne Solari) takes her under her wings and trains her. The plan goes off perfectly and Hunter absconds with the sacred crystal. Now, the brunette beauty goes after the blonde Hunter and the crystal. By the way...all of this takes place on roller blades.
Santicoy (Robby Taylor) now tasks the sultry Hunter to kill the whole order of sisters. Remembering how kind Sharon was to her, Hunter now betrays Saticoy. Now our fleeing beauty, clad in a skin- tight white body suit, fends off Saticoy's henchmen as she also flees the steamy Sharon, who is clad in a skin-tight black body suit. Sharon's pursuit of her blonde nemesis won't be easy as she will be captured, put in bondage, and targeted for death by the mutant king. The exciting conclusion will take place as Sharon peels off her body suit and goes forward in all her nakedness.
What does the luscious Hunter plan to do with the crystal? If the nubile Sharon catches up to Hunter, will there be a gratuitous cat-fight, or an even more gratuitous love scene between the two?  Will roller blade and thong clad women fighting evil emerge as the new symbol of woman-power in today's misogynistic Hollywood?  This is a good one and sure to please you more than the new "Jumanji" film or the dull and preachy "Molly's Game." For some gratuitous fun and an experience you won't be able to share in polite company, enjoy "Roller Blade."

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