Saturday, October 17, 2015

Man Crates, Gifts for real Men

As the holidays approach I am reminded of 1983’s  “A Christmas Story.”  There is one scene when the dad (Darren McGavin) is opening up his prize. He is soooo very happy, not only because a surprise awaits, but because he gets to pry the wooden crate open with a crowbar.  In short….he gets to behave like a man…un-neutered.  Readers of my blog know that I appreciate films that men enjoy.  No romantic comedies here.  Men are men and women are their objects.  As Halloween approaches, let us all endeavor to put masculinity back into the holiday season. My friends at  Man Crates   have taken a huge step to do just that.  They have packaged dozens of combos of  Gifts for Men  in wooden crates, that must be opened with a crowbar...and, oh yes...the gifts are definitely ones that will get the testosterone going. 
 Pipe smokers, cigar smokers, beer drinkers, and of course avid sports fans (…past times of real men) are all tailored to by Man Crates.  I know my friends there are plotting to conjure up a crate filled with essential survival tools if you should ever find yourself in a horror film.  Silver bullets, garlic cloves, and crucifixes will surely be included, but a true survival kit will also have a spare copy of The Necromonicon.  This elusive tome, bound in human skin, caters to those trying to tame or survive evil beings from dimensions unknown to most humans.  In “The Evil Dead” movies, Ash undergoes great hardships (..which includes losing his main squeeze to demonic possession) when the Necromonicon in his grasp is swindled away by grotesque demons.  What follows is a lot of blood spurting and casualties.  In the classic from 1970, “The Dunwich Horror,” Sandra Dee is subject to all sorts of unspeakable violations when Dean Stockwell steals her professor’s edition of The Necromonicon.  In every case, The Necromonicon is possessed by well-meaning humans, and then stolen by evil intended creatures, spelling fates worse than doom for  the pure among us. Wouldn’t it be nice if after the monsters take The Necromonicon away from us (which they surely will do), that we can just pull out our spare copy?
As late as the early 1990s, The Necromonicon graced the card catalogues in some of the finest university libraries.  Wouldn’t you know it, the editions all seemed to be missing.  Not one library had a spare copy. This nefarious work, created by H.P. Lovecraft way back in the 1920s has taken on a life of it’s own.  In every case, in these H.P. Lovecraft stories, the possessor of this thing has access to great powers.  Also, in every instance, the poor sap who has the thing purloined from him, suffers a fate worse than death.  Real men protect their women, especially from demonic forces seeking to mate with them.  To keep your main squeezes pure, you should definitely include a copy of The Necromonicon in your scary movie survival kit.

By the way, fans seeking to win my favor, I would love a Man Crate for Christmas. The Oktoberfest Stein one or the Whiskey Drinkers one are my two top choices.  Don’t forget to enjoy my film reviews, mostly horror, on my blog Zisi Emporium for B Movies at


  1. Putz de zone into testosterone!

  2. A Man Crate for Christmas sounds just about perfect of course, depending on what's inside. I'll forego the fishnet adorned burlesque lady's leg lamp. You can also keep H.P. L.'s The Necronomicon and booze. Not looking for demons, death, or DWI's for the holidays. But, I'd entertain a few of these suggestions crated for the Mrs. and me.