Sunday, May 26, 2019

Axegrinder, Run Laura Run!

Laura? Good question...not our favorite Emanuelle, Laura Gemser. might be. Confused? You'll have to see 2006's "Axegrinder" (aka "2 Young 2 Die") in its entirety to find out the answer to that mystery. Our Laura in this film is played by Cassie Daniels. 50% (only a slight exaggeration) of "Axegrinder" is dedicated to shots of Cassie Daniels, clad in a tight green halter top, jiggling very erotically as she runs for her life through the woods. She would have done well on "Baywatch."
There is a backstory to explain our axe wielding maniac, Freddy Palmer (Jed Rowen). We'll skip it here and go right to a group of three hunks and three babes heading into the woods for camping, alcohol abuse, and wild pre-marital sex. Just before their arrival, two hot lesbians (Gina Valona and April Betts) are axed to pieces while having wild sex. Also in this camping party is the slut Shelley (Berna Roberts), the deviant sex addict Donna (Jennider Peo), the nerd James (Chris Todd), Laura's BF Bobby (Freddy Morales), and Mike (J.P. Edwards)...I forget who's BF he is. Then our axe-wielding maniac arrives and begins chopping away, one hot hunk or babe at a time.
As the beautiful fall, Laura will run through the woods a lot bouncing up and down. Uh oh, there is a cabin, and all the hunks or babes that run to it for help will be in for a horrific surprise as soon as they open...well, you'll see. Then Laura runs through the forest some more bouncing up and down. Shelley will give us a gratuitous bikini scene just before she is...well, you'll see. Then the final 20 minutes...its wild and you'll have to watch closely....though Laura will continue running through the woods (she must have done 10 good miles in this film). The ending will hold some surprises and intense gore and the revelation of the true killer will be shocking.
A minor B actress, Cassie Daniels enjoyed her biggest role in this film. Did I mention she runs very well, especially through the woods? Why wasn't Cassie Daniels ever on "Baywatch"? What does Laura Gemser as "Emanuelle" have to do with this film? If someone ever wants to make a redneck "Emanuelle," Cassie Daniels would be the perfect one to cast. There are a lot of gory kills in this one and the axe-wielding maniac is quite ambitious. For some great slasher fun, with elements of "Baywatch" and "Emanuelle" thrown in, enjoy "Axegrinder" (directed by David Palmieri).

Friday, May 24, 2019

Flight 666, Red Eye into the Paranormal

You ever notice that flight attendants strut onto airplanes wearing heels (at least three inches)? Yep, but magically, when the flight commences the heels are gone in favor of flat bottoms. Not in the movies, however. In films, the heels stay on. Our stewardess in much peril today is Alice, played by Liz Fenning. Not only does she keep her heels on, but her uniform is a bit too tight for comfort on a six-hour 'red-eye' from coast-to-coast. Clad in high heels, a tight skirt, even tighter blouse, she'll deal with unruly passengers, disgusting (maggot-infested) in-flight meals, and angry ghosts.
As our film begins Pan US Air flight 57 is headed to New York and is engulfed in a storm. Its a bad one and there's no shaking it. The passengers and crew are being tossed about and Alice is doing everything her training has taught her to keep order. Uh oh, Mr. Peck (Justin Hoffmeister) thinks he saw something otherworldly on the wing and he's spooked...panicked, actually. Air Marshal Thad (Jose Rosete) restrains him. Pretty Alice tries to calm the not-yet-panicked passengers but when she serves a maggot infested salad, well, morale heads south. Uh oh, now Alice may have seen something out the window and pretty passengers Danika (Clarissa Thibeaux) and Anna (Renee Willett) have encounters with a menacing ghost in the cabin's lavatory which brings them...well, you'll see.
The storm gets worse and everyone on the plane is unhinged except the sultry stewardess, Alice. Whatever the ghost wants, it is not happy it doesn't have the full attention of the passengers and crew. Possession, weird noises, and the arrival of more menacing specters further dampen the mood of the NYC bound passengers. As Alice and the passengers put two and two together, they have to admit to themselves that something paranormal is going on. They also figure out the ghosts desire them to do something...but what? As Alice in her tight stewardess get-up and the passengers get tossed around some more, the haunted onslaught increases.
Why are the ghosts aboard Pan US Air flight 57, and what do they want the mortals to do? Will Alice find love amid the turmoil and turbulence, and is her impractical footwear selection a conduit for the paranormal? Are the passengers and Alice in danger from more than the ghosts and storm? This is a nice standard ghost story set at 36,000 feet. The cast provides a lot of beefcake and cheesecake and next time you get stuck on a domestic leg with homely stewardesses...remember Alice from "Flight 666." Oh, by the way, this is film is from The Asylum and directed by Rob Pallatina.

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Sector 7, Motorcycle Babe vs. Sea Monster

Actually, more precisely, motorcycle babe vs. sea monster, on an oil rig! A gem from South Korea featuring a sultry and tough-as-nails heroine and a toothy, slimy, invincible beast from 10,000 feet. Hence 2011's "Sector 7." Ji-won Ha, the Korean beauty who plays the heroin, and her character in this film, is actually the inspiration of a character I created in my upcoming novel "Ghosts of Brisbane." More on that later in 2019.
In 1985 a weird diving accident to repair a drill 10,000 feet below the surface kills Hae-joon's (Ha) dad. Present day, Hae-joon is part of the crew on an oil rig. She is tough, beautiful, swings from derricks, races motorcycles, and always looks really good. The rig is going to be shut oil. Uh oh, after Hae-joon's uncle arrives, oil is mysteriously found...and something finds them. At first, jubilation. Guess what! There is a sultry geneticist on board the rig (Ye-ryeon Cha). Is it just because she is really good looking? Nope. Whatever she is breeding in her lab...well, apparently it gets out. The sultry geneticist will be killed (very sad) and she is only the first.
The creature, starts going through crewmen like crap through a goose. Hae-joon and the other survivors are chased through the cavernous rig and because of her uncle (Han-wi Lee) learns of vulnerabilities of the beast. did he know? The thing is laying a ton of eggs and is getting meaner. Uh oh...we find out the uncle didn't return to the rig to find oil...but to find something else. Hae-joon will lose many friends and now its personal. With her motorcycle (standard equipment on an oil rig) she will undertake an unlikely venture to save humanity and exert some revenge.
What were those secret experiments of the beautiful geneticist in the secret lab on the ill-fated rig? Will our motorcycle babe be able to fend off and then destroy the sea monster? What exactly happened in 1985 that has caused this war-at-sea? This is an action-packed "Die Hard" type monster film. Ji-won Ha is on the screen constantly and plays to the camera well. Think of her when you read about Miss Ha in the upcoming novel "Ghosts of Brisbane."

Monday, May 20, 2019

The Night Crew, Vampire Babe South of the Border

We've been screaming for it for years...a film about a Chinese stripper who relocates to Mexico and becomes the vampire bride of Danny Trejo. Yes! In what could've been a Paul Rodriguez or Quentin Tarantino film, 2015's "The Night Crew" is so satisfying on so many levels. Yep...a sultry vampire babe and a bunch of hunks...and a couple more beauties. Throw in a vicious drug cartel, a lot of machine gun fights, and even some eroticism...enough said.
There is probably a great backstory but as our film begins Chinese stripper Mae (Chasty Ballesteros) is plying her trade in a cheap establishment outside Tijuana. Uh oh, cartel boss Aguilar (Trejo) wants her back. As Mae gets rough on some customers who try to paw her, Aguilar's men make a move to re-capture her. They almost succeed...except there is a warrant for her in the States and a team of bounty hunters headed by Wade (Luke Goss) draw down on the cartel thugs and take Mae. Outside the dark dingy strip club, the Mexican sun shines bright...uh oh, the sunlight makes Mae deathly ill. Wade treats Mae like a lady, something she isn't used to...this ticks off one of his team members, the beautiful Rose (Luciana Faulhaber). Rose and Mae will have some confrontations and it appears Mae would either like to eat her literally...or figuratively.
Uh oh, Aguilar, who is deathly sick during the day and perks up at nightfall, sends his henchmen in pursuit. They chase Wade's team to an abandoned Mexican motel where Mae perks up...nightfall, right, you're catching on. Dozens of cartel thugs with machine-guns arrive and a major fight erupts. Mae and Rose continue feuding and all is looking hopeless for the dwindling bounty hunter team. Now its time for Mae to reveal a few surprises. Mae is no fan of mortals but when she sees Wade caring about his men (and Rose), and also promise Mae that he will die before handing her back to Aguilar, she is touched and chooses sides, which won't bode well for the cartel thugs.
What exactly does Mae have in mind for Rose's fate? Will hunk Wade land either Rose or Mae for some passionate, and perhaps bloody, pre-marital sex? With a team of well armed bounty hunters as her new friends, may Mae decide to pay her nemesis, Aguilar, a toothy visit? This is a good one and plays out like a grind-house comic book. For an erotic and menacing performance by Chasty Ballesteros, and a lot of hunk guys (translation: good cheesecake...good beefcake), enjoy "The Night Crew," directed by Christian Sesma.

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Bigfoot Country, Irony and Sasquatch

Bigfoot country...right! Certainly not dating country...or brains country. Okay, many of you won't like this film, 2017's "Bigfoot Country," but...well...I did! Yeah, there are a lot of flaws with this one...unless you take it as a whole. No spoilers, but the very ending was deep and merits thought. As the final credits roll, you might want to have a conversation with yourself starting with, " ...what just happened?"
Two hunks and two babes head on a hike through the British Columbia forest. Bryce (Hans Potter) has emerged as the bloke we want to see get picked apart by Sasquatch first. Bryce's crude behavior wins him the favor of babe Carly (Brooke Walker). Everything about Brooke says "...I will die first in horrible fashion." Then there is the very pretty Kiera (Kiana Passmore) who looks like a great candidate for 'final-girl.' Then there's Andy...major league hunk...too shy to let Kiera know he is hot for her. The four make it through the woods with the smoothness of a junior high school dance. As Bryce continues to annoy, Carly searches for pre-marital sex, and Andy and Kiera figure out that men and women get together know...a monster begins stalking them.
At first the big hairy thing is curious, but when Bryce pulls a boneheaded move to annoy it, the hunt begins...or does it? At no point do we believe our quartet have any kind of chance at survival. As the monster gets closer and puts hands on the human intruders, our humans act...with the intelligence of a dead mackerel. Then irony rears its ugly head...and it is uglier than an angry Sasquatch.  Blood will flow and tortuous demises await at least some of our human cast members.
Will Bigfoot do away with all four of the humans? Is Bigfoot really the enemy which our quartet need to worry most over? Will Andy get a clue and engage in pre-marital sex with Kiera before Sasquatch does? If you choose to watch this film, hang in their through the very end. The last shot says so much and will be quite thought provoking. Enjoy "Bigfoot Country," a film directed by Jason Mills.

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Iron Wolf, A Nazi Werewolf

From Germany we have the definitive film ever made about the plight of the Nazis toward the end of World War 2. Okay, maybe that is a slight exaggeration. We do have a monster movie though that includes the classic line, "Its a G** D***ed f***ed up Nazi monster!" True poetry. This is one of those rare films that we actually hope everyone in it dies a horrible death. From David Bruckner and Jens Nier, let us dive into 2013's "Iron Wolf."
The war isn't going well so mad Nazi scientist, Dr. Muller (Urs Remond), comes up with a brilliant idea. He splices werewolf genes with German Shepherd genes and creates a werewolf, who dresses in an SS uniform, and only kills Russians and people who don't worship Hitler. Why didn't they think of that in 1938? Fortunately they didn't and before they can release it on the Eastern Front, the Russians destroy the lab. 65 years later, Punk Rocker Spike Jones (Dominik Starck) and his crew arrive. They plan a reunion concert (NO!!!!!!!) on the site of the ruined lab. They all hate Nazis and find Nazi paraphernalia and either piss on it, vomit on it, or burn it.
Uh oh, Spike accidentally opens a door which allows the werewolf to escape. The fiend can't be killed and survived in its cell. Fortunately for Spike's GF Jersey (Carolina Rath), he had pre-marital sex with her first. The wolf kills Spike and goes on a rampage. Jersey then finds Spike's brother, Leon (Roland Freitag)...who might be a Fascist, and seeks to have pre-marital sex with him. Now the wolf goes through Spike's crew like crap through a goose. Uh oh again...Jersey is scratched (all us horror film fans know what that means). As the fiend, still clad in a SS uniform, rids Germany of pacifist punk rockers, Leon and Jersey figure out how to kill a werewolf.
Will Jersey and Leon be able to kill the Nazi werewolf or will the Hitler era fiend go through Angela Merkel's Germany like crap through a goose? Will Germany's punk rock scene take a major hit from our hairy friend? Is Jersey destined to become a she-wolf, or is that pretty standard for female punk rock groupies? "Iron Wolf" is a much maligned werewolf flick, but it does leave us a question we can't help asking ourselves, "is Europe really better off having Angela Merkel run the European Union?"

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Symptoms, Lesbian Necrophilia

Okay...there I go again. A cheap and gratuitous attempt to boost the readership of this blog. Just string a couple of provocative words together and every deviant in the Americas, Asia, and Europe click on my posting. But seriously...what kind of loser would choose the words 'lesbian' and 'necrophilia' to complete the task? After all, no films out there are about lesbian necrophilia...or are there? Hence 1974's drive-in epic..."Symptoms."
She's nuts! Helen (Angela Pleasance, a spitting image of her dad) needs companionship while she convalesces. Convalesces from what? It is never made clear but a pretty good guess is that she went totally nutsoid. Pretty writer, and friend of Helen, Anne (Lorna Heilbron) accompanies the nut-case to her country estate. The two friends get what they want. Anne has a quiet place to write (probably cheap romance novels), and Helen gets a friend to keep her company. Uh oh...where's Cora (Marie-Paule Mailleux)? Cora had this job before Anne, and she and Helen were close, at least in Helen's mind they were.
The weirdness starts. Bodies get pulled out of a nearby lake by a weird caretaker. Then Helen kisses and caresses Anne. Then Anne is awoken by sounds of Helen having passionate sex in the bedroom next door. Anne also has an inkling someone else is in the house. As Helen keeps emanating sounds of sexual passion, we get indications that Cora is her sex partner...but why is she hiding from Anne? No spoilers here, but it is obvious that director Jose Ramon Larraz was heavily influenced by Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho." The murders explode and one wonders why Anne has really been brought to the house by the nutsoid Helen.
Euro-trash may be the moniker for "Symptoms" which is unfortunate because the intention was to create an artsy-fartsy horror film. Unfortunately, throw lesbianism and necrophilia into the plot and then you have a drive-in crowd as your audience. Where is Cora? Is she dead, or Helen's lover...or both? What will Anne's fate be? Is Helen as bonkers as Norman Bates was? Not for lesbian necrophilia could be for everyone...but fans of obscure and deviant horror may enjoy "Symptoms."