Chupa, The Chupacabra Attacks...Akron!

The feared goat-sucker of Mexico. We all feared it would migrate her to the U.S. Now it has, at least in today's film. Yep...the residents of Akron, Ohio have something else to worry about other than the odor of burnt rubber. Straight-to-VHS films of the 90s would eventually give way to straight-to-DVD films of the 2000s. Today we see one of the last straight-to-video classics, 2000's "Chupa," directed by Tom Hoover. One may ask why make a film about the Chupacabra when most people would rather see a Bigfoot film. Well, maybe Tom Hoover was into a pre-cursor of "inclusion" in highlighting marginalized cryptid communities.

The plot is a good one. Whether this film is...you decide. Outside of Akron a woman is shredded by the Chupacabra. Now the FBI is seeing an opportunity for a cover-up...imagine that. FBI scientist Simon Westlake (Jim Lee Johnson) gathers a failed marine captain, Roger (Peter Ferry) to lead a super secret mission into a Ohio national park to find the thing and capture it. Recruited into the group is cryptozoologist, the portly Dr. Seth Corralis (Russell Kunz). Babes? Angela (Tiffany Sandels), she's sixth in the credits...you know what that means. She'll have seduction and pre-marital sex scenes before being shredded. So sad. Oh, Gabriel (Jeffrey Lyn Hall). He's a psychic...or empath...yawn. This dweeb will fall in love with the group's anthropologist, Samantha (Mary Mahoney). 

A lot more members of the group will exist. The group? They'll yell at each other a lot, except for Angela. Angela will seduce, suck face, and engage in pre-marital sex. Roger will yell at Angela for her proclivity to engage in carnal acts. Then the monster approaches this group's compound...becomes a shape shifter, lures them out one by one, and shreds them. Our Marine leader, Roger, will yell at people some more. Uh oh! Is it a Chupacabra? Westlake, the FBI guy, apparently has not told the group or Roger everything. Seth gets suspicious and contacts SETI. Have you ever noticed in these films SETI is always totally clueless? Now as others try to get in on the action Angela promises, the monster interrupts one of her pre-marital sex sessions. Now its game-on!

Is it the Chupacabra that is terrorizing these woods outside of Akron?  Is this the best film ever made about the peoples, perils, and history of Akron? Before shredding her, will the Chupacabra do anything else to Angela? The creature in this film is amazing (EMBELLISHMENT, it is actually so lame it is funny). See "Chupa" and get your fill of straight-to-VHS films.

Cold Blooded, Lizard Monster Needs Nubile Babes

Yeah, it shreds its victims. It also spits acidic slime at them...kind of like Kamala. But more importantly, it captures babes in the desert and breeds with them.  This film was originally released 10 years ago, but is now re-released with additional footage. With a cool monster (Dio Johnson), our film today is a metaphor for the disintegration of any integrity that is left in today's TV media. Today we look at "Cold Blooded," directed by Alexander T. Hwang.

Men and women have been disppearing in a certain section of the California desert for the past 25 years. As our film begins the lovely Sarah (Destiny Dawn Osmialowski) and her BF Alfonso (Noel Gugliemi) are shredded, or carried off in Sarah's case, by a monster. A news crew is sent into the desert to do a story on this latest, and all other, disappearances. Kelly (Darri Kristin) is the info-babe doing the story. Uh oh...catfight alert, she is replaced by an info-babe who is sleeping with the boss, Brittney (Ashley Forte). Now Kelly gets to be Brittney's gopher. Blake (Raymond Vinsik Williams) is the cameraman and Kelly's BF. Charles (Omari Washington), the intern is also along. The crew finds body parts and end up at the dilapidated ranch of hermit Herman (Gabriel Lane). He's a hoot. As they try to get info out of the hermit, a teaching assistant and her three students are shredded by the creature nearby. Actually, the TA Sandy (Jami McCoy) and her female student are...hauled away.

Brittney and Kelly are incapable of getting along.  Charles and Blake eagerly await the catfight. The creature eats his way toward Herman's acre.  Meanwhile we get to see the creature and it is a good one. An unconventional lizard minster, no doubt, but its proclivity to spit an acidic green ooze at its victims is such a beautiful thing to see.  We'll stop the plot description here.  What happens next is something Roger Corman and Max Gunssler would be proud of.

Will any of the sultry info-babes survive to the end credits?  Will any of the hauled away babes give birth to a new generation of lizard monsters? I know, this question has been asked by us many times in the last few days.  Finally, why when grotesque monsters are pitted up against news crews from TV stations do we cheer for the monsters?  The news this summer is grotesque and silly...which makes "Cold Blooded" a perfect film to accompany today's headlines.

 

Axeman at Cutter's Creek 2, Everyone Shredded

Okay, by way of confession...I made a booboo. Apparently this is a sequel to "Axeman: Overkill." I was under the impression it was the sequel to another movie. But wait!  It kind  of is! My mistake is not a major one. More importantly, even as a stand alone film, this is a goodie. The kills, numbering in the dozens, it seems, are all gory and quite imaginative. See someone's balls pulled out his throat! Yes! See a herpes ridden skank deputy as the protagonist! Really! A character driven drama in which Monique Parent turns in a stellar performance, as usual, as the only voice of reason.  Today we look at 2023's "Axeman at Cutter's Creek 2," a film made by Joston Theney.

All right...here's the plot...kind of. We'll focus on the best grouping of characters in film history more than a chronological telling of plot devices. Deputy Darlene (Arielle Brachfeld) is banging some hunk until her mom puts an end to it. The lingerie and herpes clad skank of a policewoman is not happy at being interrupted. Also opening this film are a bunch of religious nuts. Of note here is the babe Irma Jean (Ari Hader), who is plotting the murder of her husband (David Gusts) and blaming it on a psycho axeman. Oh yes, a group of thieves looking for money headed by a transvestite psycho named Bird (Christine Madeleine Partamian) and her crew. Her crew? Yep, psycho bitch Shank (Linda S. Wong), Asian babe who has never lost a fight and a half dozen more psychos. Oh, Bird's GF, Sunshine (Jacqui Holland), a bride of Satan who loves to satisfy herself in human blood. I could go on and on...but you are probably confusing this film, by my description, with Jane Austen's "Sense and Sensibility."

Oh! The axemen! Right!  Two of them (Michael Wayne Foster and Bryan E. Clark II). They murdered a bunch of nubile babes and hunks in the first films. They even murdered some hot lesbian lovers (Whitney Nielsen and Kailena Mai). These two dead lesbian babes...they're back! You'll see. Thanks to Marla (Parent) we are let in on exactly what is going on here. What is going on? Small town secrets that should stay secret, really. Machetes, chainsaws, fists, razors, axes, and guns will murder so many in the most colorful ways.  We cheer for Marla...gotta love a mom who is a ton more seductive than her daughter. Okay...no more. Wait...one more thing!  Catfights!  The best catfights in any film of the 21st century!

Will Monique Parent survive to the end credits...or will anyone, for that matter? What axe to grind is possessed by the axemen as they axe and shred nubile babes, hunks, and weird beings of alternate lifestyles? Will Shank, the hot Asian babe, end up losing a fight for the first time? See "Axeman at Cutter's Creek 2" as I endeavor to go find the first film in this series.

Ouija Shark 2, Wizards, Demons, Shark, and a Gator, Oh My!

Many of you will find today's film the worst you have ever seen. The more enlightened of you will find this one as the most fun film of the decade. Think of this film as a Polonia Brothers effort on steroids. Not a Polonia Brothers film, 2022's "Ouija Shark 2" (aka "Ouija Shark vs. Tarot Gator") is the work of John Migliore. Cities will be crushed, nubile bikini babes will be eaten (by sharks), and magic will rule the day. Oh, the gator? Yep...the introduction of Tarot Gator! Did I mention that there will be bikini babes being eaten (by a shark)? Well, this will happen a lot.

Whatever mess happened in "Ouija Shark" is not quite done. Do you need to see the original to appreciate this one? Please! Though very loyal to the book, this story was meant for the big screen. Anthony (John Migliore), a wizard, has been sucked into Hell where ape demons beset him. These buggers are actually very cute. In Hell, Caldura (Simon Wheeldon), the demon who controls Ouija Shark, is determined to decimate him. Back on the surface, Anthony's ex, Cressida (Deborah Jayne Reilly Smith), is an amateur witch bent on rescuing him from Hell. She'll enlist the help of young witch Illyana (Kylie Gough), and her necromancer mom (Lena Montecalvo). She'll need all the magic and spells she can collect. Oh, in Hell, Caldura has collected several bikini babes to be constantly eaten (by the shark). They will also perform a musical number rivalling the glitz of a Las Vegas stage act. 

Okay, Anthony has his Tarot cards with him. With them he accidentally conjures up his spirit animal, Tarot Gator. As the Ouija shark pursues him, spitting out fireballs, the fight breaks out of Hell into a big city. Now Anthony, Cressida, Illyana, and the necromancer will fight Caldura with fireballs. At the same time, Ouija Shark will battle Tarot Gator and skyscrapers will be crushed as these two monsters fight. Heartwarming at times, many of you will confuse this film with 1996's "The English Patient." Fear not, the ending will be quite different.

Will Anthony and his magical gang defeat Caldura the demon and send him back to Hell?  Will Tarot Gator prevail against Ouija Shark and save what is left of the big city? Is this the film Stanley Kubrick wanted to make in "Barry Lyndon," but for budgetary constraints? Fun and liberating, "Ouija Shark 2" is a film that demanded to be made and now you can see it in free streaming.

The Last Chainsaw Massacre, A Possessed Chainsaw

Yep, the Polonia Brothers have made a movie about a chainsaw. Nope...not "Amityville Chainsaw," but that one is probably on its way. In the magnum opus of the lovely Jamie Morgan, we have 2024's "The Last Chainsaw Massacre," directed by Mark Polonia. Yep...a camping in the woods story. A possession story. An urban legend story. Most of all...a chainsaw story with gore and the supernatural. To see this movie on the new free streaming service, Fawesome, click on this link. Chainsaw on Fawesome

Five buddies head into the Pennsylvania woods for a weekend of camping. Rose (Morgan) and her BF Kenny (Justin Gordon) are sweet. They'll smooch by the campfire, later. Also along are Roy (Cody Losinger) and his GF Dane (Greta Volkova). Oh, a fifth wheel, the lovely Penny (Marie DeLorenzo)...can you guess what happens to this proverbial fifth wheel? Uh oh...back in '86 Ripper Jack terrorized these woods with his chainsaw chopping up half the townsfolk. He's a legend still. Supposedly dead, Ripper Jack's body was never found. A creepy gas station clerk (Michael Korotitsch) warns the campers to beware...the campers scoff at this. Uh oh, before entering the woods, Kenny buys a chainsaw to cut firewood at a used hardware store...see what's coming?

Ripper Jack is indeed in the woods and lurking. Is it him though...or his spirit? Kenny is the first to be possessed. He revs up the chainsaw and Ripper Jack's spirit enters his body. He' won't be the last and now Kenny will act as Ripper Jack guides him. This won't be good news for Penny...as she will lose her head. Now all the campers are in peril. More possessions and more chainsaw murders will occur. Finally, Mr. Martin (Jeff Kirkendall) enters the plot. He's been waiting for Ripper Jack's return for decades. This guy's son was murdered by Ripper Jack back in '86. His plan to combat Ripper Jack is not a good one.

Will any of the campers survive the wrath of Ripper Jack's spirit? Will Rose be able to jolt Ripper Jack's spirit out of her BF Kenny?  Is this film the one Tobe Hooper wanted to make but for the Hollywood censors of the early 1970s? Jamie Morgan is terrific as is the rest of the cast. For a classic themed slasher film, paying homage to one of the greatest franchises (no, not the Amityville one), see "The Last Chainsaw Massacre."   

Dogs of Hell, Those Mangy Mutts on the Warpath

Dogs! Ick! Man's best friends. Come on. To you dog lovers...try some human contact and get out of your mother's basement.  Live life...meet a girl...maybe kiss her...and leave the animal world behind. Many cultures eat those things...you want to sleep with them. Sure...put an animal in your bed. How brilliant is that? They crap all over the place. They bark at things that shouldn't be barked at. They demand all their bowel movements be supervised by you. Today we look at a 1983 film directed by Worth Keeter, "Dogs of Hell" (aka "Rottweiler 3D").

A secret army experiment gets out of hand. The same army that seems allergic to winning a war has bred Rottweilers to replace the soldier on the battlefield. Head scientist, Fletcher (Bill Gribble), warns the army that these dogs have become evil and are more dangerous than originally thought. After the transport that is moving the dogs crashes, the dogs are loose in a resort town. The town, Lake Lure, has a sheriff named Hank. A low energy guy with a big gun. The Rottweilers will strike right away.  The first victims are some nubile and frisky models at a campsite in the woods.  The babes will be shredded. Now we meet Denny (Robert Bloodworth) and his babe wife, Kim (Kathy Hasty). They run the local watering hole. This is significant because they put on female mud wrestling matches in their establishment. Nothing to do with the plot, but who will object to gratuitous mud wrestling.

Okay, the dogs keep shredding townsfolk. Fletcher arrives and tells Hank that he'd like to capture the dogs alive. The dogs seem to prefer babes...very sad. Hank is not of the same mindset and will have the opportunity to blow the buggers away...but there are a ,lot of little buggers. More attacks. Just like the killer whale in the Richard Harris film "Orca," these mangy bastards begin burning down the town. Don't ask.  Uh oh...the babe bar wench, Kim, is now in  mortal danger as the dogs chase her and Denny to the roof. Don't ask. Now Hank realizes his number one enemy is Fletcher, not the dogs. Fortunately, the sheriff keeps blowing away the fury demons. Will he have enough bullets?

Just how does a Rottweiler burn down a town? Would people in America's marginalized communities still be starving if we decided to eat the dogs instead of sleeping with them? If the army can't even use a missile system in combat correctly, can we trust them to use animals? Cheesy and campy, this 3D movie is a lot of fun. Though MST3K never picked up on it, you can play Joel and the robots when you and friends watch "Dogs of Hell."

  

Bull Shark 2, A Toothy Lake Menace

A couple of years ago Russia invaded The Ukraine and this blog reacted by reviewing "Bull Shark." Two years later we can call that shark film very prescient as Russia has destroyed The Ukrainian army and embarrassed NATO. Today we take a look at "Bull Shark 2," directed by Brett Bentman. Incredibly faithful to the book, this film is just as likable. Absent from this film are two annoying female characters; the wife of the game warden and the coroner with the eating disorder.

It's back!  The bull shark. Two babes (Aedin Waldorf and Isabella Olivas) and their annoying hunk friend (Dylan Boehm) are eaten when they go swimming in a Texas lake. Now, one of the babe's mother wants the game warden responsible for killing the first bull shark, Spencer (Thom Hallum), to find her daughter's remains. I know...grieving can take many a weird form. The problem, the hunt for the first one drove him into alcoholism. Now he is unemployed and refusing to go into the water. His buddy, the redneck who was responsible for putting bull sharks into the lake, and new game warden, Nolan (Billy Blair) begs him to clean himself up and go hunt for the shark. Of course, the mayor (Chad Ridgely) and sheriff (Tom Zombred) deny there is a shark in the lake as the tourist season is about to begin.

Spencer relents and shelves the alcohol, for the most part. Now he grabs some chum and his buddy Nolan and goes hunting. He'll yell at the mayor and sheriff about the safety of the swimmers (the film "Jaws" will steal this scene), and yell at Nolan.  His plan?  A bad one.  In fact it is really stupid, kind of like NATO's military strategy. Winging it, him and Nolan find the creature...or, I should say, the shark finds them. Armed with a syringe filled with a drug that combats depression, Spencer seems outmatched as he enters the lake again.

Will Nolan and Spencer be able to kill the shark?  Will there be anymore babes in bikinis, or were they all eaten in the opening scene? Was the release of the film timed for the 75th anniversary of NATO in order to be a metaphor for that organization's ineffectiveness and stupidity?  See "Bull Shark 2" as Shark Week comes to an end on Discovery and sink your teeth into a gritty and realistic fish tale.