Saturday, January 23, 2021

Cherry 2000, Pleasure Androids...A Good Idea?

As political correctness and the cancel culture take hold, we must ask if 1987's "Cherry 2000" is a prescient view into the future. Set in 2017, the film raises a lot of questions that many men (sorry gals) are asking today. As dating and courting (and even foreplay) are re-classified as sexual harassment and sexual assault, college kids and young men talk among themselves about the concept of pleasure androids. An android that looks and feels like a real babe devoted to serve all the owner's desires. They don't complain or file complaints with the Human Resources Division. This film was made at the height of Melanie Griffith's stardom and features the lovely Pamela Gridley (alas, she died too young) as the android.

Cherry 2000, the Mercedes-Benz of pleasure androids, short circuits during steamy sex in soap suds. Hey, don't knock it until you try it. Chery 2000 was perfect and Sam (David Andrews) is very sad and lonely now. Bad news...they aren't made anymore. Sam is desperate to find another Cherry 2000 and learns there is a warehouse of abandoned robots like these in the forbidden zone (Vegas). He hires a guide, Johnson (Griffith), a spunky redhead who is human. She is tough and capable and the two hop into her souped up Ford Mustang and drive into the desert forbidden zone. They are beset immediately by a gang controlled by warlord Lester (Tim Thomerson).

After some chases and battles very similar to scenes in "The Road Warrior," our duo is headed straight to Vegas so Sam can find a replacement. Lester is a terrific character and describes the Cherry 2000 well, "Get one of those fired up and its like slamming an octopus." Oh, the imagery! Instead of gun fights, though we have those, we are treated to a fight with rocket launchers...yes! Uh oh...Sam and Johnson start falling in love and almost have pre-marital sex before they are stopped by the Cherry 2000 (you'll see). Now Lester and his murdering gang are closing in on our duo as they reach their destination.

If Johnson and Sam do fall in love, what will be the fate of the Cherry 2000? Again, if the two do fall in love, are all us guys going to scream, "No! Choose the android!"?  If the Chinese or Japanese do invent the Cherry 2000, will college administrations force boys to date girls as part of Title IX? Directed by Steve De Jarnatt, "Cherry 2000," whether you like it or not, poses some interesting questions about the direction we are headed in 2021. See "Cherry 2000," and ponder which is preferable...21st century men/women relationships, or the availability of the Cherry 2000. 

Thursday, January 21, 2021

Night Fright, Space Monster and Nubile College Chicks

Total failure! The U.S. space program since President Ford has been a total failure. What once captivated the imaginations of school children revealing the possibility of traveling to the stars devolved into boring idiocy about the dubious science of and 'global warming.' In 1967, the space program still captured our imaginations and that is when "Night Fright" hit the silver screen. Say what you want about this John Agar classic, it is infinitely more stimulating than what out space program has become. NASA take note! 

As NASA continues to waste our time, in this film, an experimental ship is sent hundreds of thousands of miles into space. The purpose is to test gamma rays and how they effect animals. Today, school children don't even know what gamma rays are. The ship crashes in a small town where Sherriff Clint (Agar) keeps order. The feds show up but don't tell anyone accurate depiction, I'm afraid. Instantly, great looking college kids begin getting ripped apart while necking. Clint is romancing Nurse Joan (Carol Gilley), and she looks great in her white uniform. Okay, two college lovebirds, Chris (Ralph Baker, Jr.) and Judy (Dorothy Davis) frolic and look for places to neck. They keep getting interrupted by either shredded friends or Sheriff sad.

A party is planned for the lake. It'll give us many gratuitous scenes of coed hips and buttocks swaying like mad. The grouchy Clint, knowing a monster is loose, tries to warn the kids but they ignore him. Bad move. Now the behemoth hunk mutation makes its way over to the lake. Don't ask, but even the nubile nurse in white, Joan, is in the monster's scope. The low energy Clint comes up with a plan and it just might soil Joan's beautiful and pure white nurse's uniform. As hot coeds and their hunks keep getting shredded, Clint enacts his plan, and Joan gets ready to let out a blood curdling scream.

Will the nubile Joan have to clean bloodstains off her lily white uniform? Will the low energy Clint ever plant a hard wet one on the lips of the nubile Nurse Joan? Are college hunks and sorority chicks really that great of a loss to risk the life of the babe in white? However bad this film is, it is much better than what NASA has been feeding us for the last 40 years. For some cheesy B movie fun, see "Night Fright."

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Redwood Massacre: Annihilation, Disembowelment Galore

A little over two years ago I posted a review of THE REDWOOD MASSACRE . This was one of the most brutal slasher films ever made. You know the type...when a nubile lass frolics into danger we pray for a quick death for her. So now we have a sequel, 2020's "Redwood Massacre: Annihilation," also directed by David Ryan Keith. You know this one is gong to be rad as 16 actors are listed in the credits as 'murder victims.' Yes! The burlap sack mask killer is back with all his rusty saws and blades...this time he has help from...nope, no spoilers here.

Max (Damien Puckler) is a big fan (worshipper) of the masked killer. Uh oh...he is also a psycho killer, himself. As the film begins he is torturing to death the survivor of The Redwood Massacre (Lisa Cameron). He wants to find the masked killer, study him, and worship the ground he walks on. Also wanting to find the killer is the dad of one of his victims, Tom (Jon Campling). Tom is approached by Max. Max claims to have found some of the artifacts of the enigmatic monster (Benjamin Selway),  Tom convinces his kickboxing daughter, Laura (Danielle Harris) to join in. She is hesitant and does not trust Max...good call. Laura's two pals also join in...the brute, giant of a man Gus (Gary Kasper), and babe Jen (Tevy Poe). Jen is quite sultry, unfortunately, being fifth in the credits, she has "I will die horribly" written all over her.

The group heads into the woods to seek the masked monster. No one knows Max is just as dangerous as the one they seek. They head for the one spot they have not searched yet. No spoilers here, but they find it. After they get in they find eyes, human organs including a tally-whacker, severed limbs, human skins, etc. They also meet the sultry Donna (Stephanie Lynn Styles). Who is Donna? Not telling! I will say she has emerged as one of my favorite characters in horror film history. Machetes will be wielded and internal organs will be yanked out. Poor Jen...her fate was foretold by the horror film gods. Then the reveal. It will be shocking and ambitious. You just might ask yourself who the real monsters are.

Is there any chance of sewing Jen back up and...well, never mind this question. Will little Laura's kickboxing abilities be of any use against the burlap sack killer? When and how will Max reveal to his team mates that he is just as psycho as the one they seek? This is a great slasher film with gore, shocks, and severed heads. If you are sick of the mainstream horror films which non-horror fans also enjoy, do yourself a favor and see "Redwood Massacre: Annihilation."

Monday, January 18, 2021

Moonlight Fairytale, Jazz Stoking the Flames of Love

Even better than a greeting card this Valentine's Day is Alyson Moon's new musical, 2020's "Moonlight Fairytale." If art makes us human, Ms. Moon will show us how jazz makes us lovers. 100% romantic and playing to the dreamer in all of us, this musical will seduce and watch it with a loved one...or one you hope to be a loved one. For all of you aspiring actors and actresses out there, perhaps this is required viewing in order to give you a better idea of what "making it" really is.

She's young and in love, Amy. An aspiring actress (Moon) frolics through New York City. Her companion is a terrific neighbor/violinist (Alex Sullivan). Together they show us the romance side of New York...only visible if one has love in their heart. Off to L.A. she make it big. Auditions and rejection will be her diet...for now. Jazz keeps her going. A wonderful jazz pianist (Drew Wilson) will accompany her in a jaunt through the romance and dreams of L.A. The world and mindset of an artist/actress is driven home and at times seems a dichotomy to the dreams and hope of Amy. 

Amy allows the jazz to touch her soul and this obviously keeps her moving forward and cherishing the love that is in her heart. Sunsets...Sunrises...Jazz clubs...dancing...Amy never closes her eyes to the beauty of those stimuli. I have to say, and forgive me for being crude, if you (the viewer) aren't making out with your spouse or date by the mid-point of this film...well...what's your problem? Brilliant choreography guides us through a story that would usually end in tragedy or heartbreak. In this Alyson Moon musical, the dreams and hope outweigh the cynicism and brutality of the L.A. acting scene. 

Stop listening to CNN, MSNBC, and Fox...and start allowing the love and optimism in your heart to guide your relationships with your fellow man. Ordering "Moonlight Fairytale" is a good place to begin. Alyson Moon seems to be telling us to dance instead of sulk...laugh instead of growl... wonder instead of mope...and love instead of fear. Whether this is a Christmas message or a Valentine's Day message, it is a message so needed here in the social media driven culture of the 21st century. To see "Moonlight Fairytale," click on the below links.


Sunday, January 17, 2021

Mausoleum, Playmate Turns Demon

No name exudes Playmate Playmate like Bobbie Bresee. 1983's "Mausoleum" is the film magnum opus of this beautiful centerfold. In all fairness, if you spend the entire film staring at her b**bs, you will be onto something. Well into the film, those two vehicles of perfection and allure will change so they morph into grotesque demon faces. Perhaps this is a relevant metaphor, but we will not get into that in this review. Throw in Marjoe Gortner, some kinky lingerie, and gratuitous Bobbie Bresee baths and seduction, and we have a can't miss blockbuster.

At the age of 10, Susan's (Bresee) mom dies. After the funeral, Susan makes her way into a cursed mausoleum where she is possessed by a green-eyed demon. Happens. 20 years later, she is loaded and married to the boring Marjoe Gortner. The demon inside her turns into a nymphomaniac so Susan is trying to seduce everyone. She'll seduce some brutish guys and they will die horribly when they give in. The deal is, the first born girl in this bloodline is possessed by this demon. Fortunately for humanity, instead of wiping all life off this planet, this demon is more interested in deviant sex with brutish men. Men will explode, be torn to shreds, and some women will be ripped open but still we cheer for the Playmate turned demon.

Okay, there is hope. Susan's psychologist since birth, Dr. Simon Andrews (Norman Burton) hypnotizes her and consults some paranormal folk. He discovers the possession and a far-fetched mechanism to save Susan's life and soul. There will be a classic mall scene which will end in impalement and bad art (you'll see) on the way to a terrifying reveal. All through this horrific tale, we'll see Ms. Bresee in some really erotic lingerie and revealing daywear...and some nice short-shorts...and some...okay, you'll see. The gore will increase and so will the demon's penchant for rough and deviant sex.

However boring Marjoe Gortner is, will the over-sexed demon/Susan rip him apart, too? Is a Playboy Playmate turned nymphomaniac sex demon a plot line that needs to be harped on here in 2021? In the scene where Ms. Bresee's b**bs turn into demon heads...actually, I withdraw the question before I ask it. For a prurient good time and a lot of gore, nudity, and Marjo Gortner...see "Mausoleum," directed by Michael Dugan.

Friday, January 15, 2021

Bigfoot vs. the Illuminati, The Foot Saves Mankind a sultry space princess wants Van Helsing (Marco Guzman) to return to her ship. Faced with saving mankind, why would you figure she wants Van Helsing back. Here's the quote, "Return to headquarters, I want to f*** your brains out!" He returns and she...well, you'll see. Throw in Dr. Jekyll and cult fruit-loop leader Aleister Crowley, lizard aliens, and of course...Bigfoot! Yep 2020's "Bigfoot vs the Illuminati," directed by BC Fourteen (don't ask).

Two thousand years into the future, AI robots have drained Earth of all our natural resources. About 3,000 are all that's left and the Earth's air is now poison. Off to space they go, led by Princess Kali (Ashley Tod)…a babe. She leads an alliance of surviving humans but her allies are fast being killed off by Archons. The Archons are reptilian fiends led by Rothschild (Robert Forth). Determined to save humanity, Kali summons a Van Helsing clone, known as VH. VH and Kali will play heavy on the sexual tension and will engage in passionate pre-marital sex. Dr. Jekyll (Edson Camacho) works in Kali's laboratory trying to invent weapons to defeat the lizard people. 

VH has an idea. An old friend, Bigfoot (also played by Guzman) is summoned to help fight the Archons. Meanwhile, Rothschild resurrects Aleister Crowley (Wes Bruff), the ancient alchemist, to assist in wiping out humanity. As more of Kali's allies are blown to bits, her sexual needs increase. Now Bigfoot is all in in defeating the lizard people. Great space battles will ensue, a visit to Area 51 will also occur, and Bigfoot will talk jive to lizard people and allies alike. Make sense? Makes more sense than "Jupiter Ascending" or "The Last Airbender." 

Did I mention this is, I guess you could say, an animated film. Perhaps American Anime, if you must. The plot is ambitious and makes more sense if you just watch the movie. After f***ing VH's brains out, will Princess Kali reward Bigfoot the same way? If the lizard fiends get a hold of Kali, will they expect her to f*** their brains out too? Does a loony alchemist really have a shot against Bigfoot? This 76 minute animated film has terrific scenes of spaceships and alien galaxies. Perhaps just as realistic as "Battlestar Gallactica" except with more sexual tension and...Bigfoot! Enjoy "Bigfoot vs. the Illuminati."

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Amityville Toybox, Exploiting a Faux Haunting

 Before you read on, do yourself a favor and listen to this episode of Harrison Smith's Cynema podcast (click this link to listen on YouTube Cynema Ep. 77 ).Today, another Amityville film. As decades pass and the credibility of Ed and Lorraine Warren diminishes, a most horrifying crime of the 1970s seems to have eternal life as a horror exploitation vehicle. One may wonder if 2016's "Amityville Toybox" was needed. Of course, was "Jupiter Ascending" needed? Was "The Last Airbender" needed? All is fair even if we get muddy when watching. Or is it?

Mark (Mark Popejoy) is turning 50. He has a nice house in rural New York and his family is coming for the week-end to celebrate. Mark is a tortured soul. A former alcoholic, he is guilt ridden for the death of his wife. He was driving drunk during the accident that killed her. He lives with his mom (Jeanne Kern). Mom is senile and thinks her long dead husband is about to return home. Also living with him is his pregnant daughter (Britany Dailey). No spoilers see this coming a mile away...they'll both be shotgunned  to death. Okay...the family arrives...none are likable. In fact all they want to do is screw and drink...a parable of modern America? Time to open gifts...Mark gets an antique toy. The proverbial spooky monkey that bangs cymbals together. Of course, these monkeys are always cursed.

The monkey is indeed cursed and releases the spirit of whatever possessed the DeFeo guy in Amityville. You remember, he murdered his whole family. Now the spirit is in Mark and he has an axe and a rifle. He begins his work and methodically goes about massacring the helpless sons, daughters, aunts, etc. Julia (Julia Farrell) is a daughter who has some fight in her. She man's up but is there any escape for the evil that has grown out of the Amityville house? 

Is Mark too far gone to spare the remnants of his family? Even not being cursed, are there any redeeming qualities to those annoying and ugly monkeys that clang cymbals together? Is it time for Amityville to become unincorporated and allow the Suffolk County government to take over? Heartbreaking and exploitive, "Amityville Toybox" is brutal and low-budget. For those who pride themselves in seeing all the 'Amityville' films, here is another one.