Those of us who have tried it know it isn't worth the trouble. Sure, enslaving every man and woman on the Earth to obey our every command might seem like a good idea. In reality, this quest will introduce us to the reality that there are a lot of stupid and annoying people in the world. However, if you are a vampire, the stupid and annoying can serve as your buffet line while the beautiful women can all share the coffin with you. This is the quest of the German vampire, Count Frankenhausen. Let us examine, from Mexico, 1962's "The Bloody Vampire" (aka "El Vampiro Sagriento").
Monday, October 24, 2016
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Hundreds of millions of people die each year. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could bring them all back? Okay, maybe not. Whenever the dead return, carnage follows. Still, we have to love all those scientists, who without government grants, figure out ways to bring back our dearly departed. In 1983's "Zeder" (aka "Revenge of the Dead") a scientific team joins forces with some fallen clergy and academia to do just that.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
In today's technology age, we have lost so many valuable skills. Head shrinking is just one of those lost necessities. Sure, we can send nude pictures of ourselves to Asia, instantly....but we no longer have the ability to decapitate old friends, shrink their heads, and display those trophies on our bookshelves. Perhaps a revival of 1959's "The Four Skulls of Jonathan Drake" will help us recapture that art.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
At AOK sorority, not all is a-okay. True, we will not find a sorority with better looking coeds, but by the end of 1988's "Fatal Pulse" most of them will be corpses. The demise of sorority sisters is a popular theme on this blog. Not even the caped Captain Marvelous can save some pretty young ladies (you won't believe this plot twist). In fairness, these ladies exhibit serious judgment issues beyond engaging in pre-marital sex, and our slasher has an easy time of his pursuit.
The sultry, white lingerie clad Stephanie's(Kitty) attempt to seduce Jeff (Ken Roberts) is rejected, as he wants his ex-GF back. Our seductress is then strangled with her own silk stocking and her dead body is raped. So our film opens. Jeff, who is creepy, is our main suspect. Lisa (Michelle McCormick), who is a beauty, is the ex-GF. Stephanie's demise has all the gals at AOK a bit tense, but not too tense. Carol (Sky Nicholas) will be the next to fall, as her throat is cut by the shard of a record. As Jeff continues to emerge as either a homicidal psycho, or at least a full fledged creep, Lisa takes him back and they engage in pre-marital sex. Then Sheila (Maureen O'Hanlon) is drowned in the AOK bathtub.
There are other suspects; Ernie (Joe Estevez), the weird AOK maintenance man, who loves to spy on the coeds through their bedroom windows, seems to be the best bet. Then of course Professor Caldwell (Alex Courtney) who may not have recaptured his sanity after his wife's death seems a likely possibility. Then Cassie (Cindra Hidgdon) is electrocuted as she is stripped and hung in a shower by our fiend. Jeff, knowing he is the prime suspect, begins an attempt to catch the killer. His plans for this are silly and usually end in embarrassment. As Karen (Christy Mucciante) is grabbed, stripped, and encased in a plaster cast, AOK may run out of coeds before our monster is found.
Will Jeff or the police catch the killer before Lisa is skewered? Even if Jeff isn't the killer, will the makers of "Fatal Pulse" do us a favor and kill him off? Does Captain Marvelous' appearance enhance the plot or detract from the serious nature of a vicious slasher film? Yep, the beautiful die horribly and the handsome hunks show their stupidity in this film. Available in VHS tape quality on YouTube, "Fatal Pulse" is a slasher film that, at very least, has some great kills and a great looking queue of lady victims.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Clad in black leather, Rhona Mitra says to Scott Adkins, "They tell me you like punishment." Mr. Adkins replies, "You're not my type." To which Ms. Mitra replies, in an offended manor, "I'm everyone's type." I gotta agree with her. In what may be termed as a demented version of "The Quiet Man," 2016's "Hard Target 2" has so much going for it. For us guys, Rhona Mitra in leather with a crossbow. For you gals, Scott Adkins, his abs, and will to survive.
After killing his best friend in a UFC type fight in Vegas, Wes (Adkins), stricken with guilt, heads to Thailand. Now in an underground circuit, our protagonist continues fighting. He catches the attention of ex-CIA renegade, Aldrich (Robert Knepper). Aldrich makes him an offer he can't refuse. For a million dollars, Wes believes he's signing up for one more fight. Aldrich has something else in mind. He lures Wes into the jungle and assembles several hunters who have paid lots of dough to hunt human prey. The most colorful of these psychos is Sofia (Mitra) who loves crossbows and leather. With a two minute head start, the game is quickly on.
As Wes has some close calls, he begins picking off the hunters. The hunters are armed with M16s, crossbows, RPGs, and pistols. Sofia and Wes do meet up, and Wes knocks the snot out of her. The femme fatale escapes, however. Wes befriends a lovely elephant herder, Tha (Ann Truong). Tha's brother was hunted six months earlier and she helps Wes toward the border. Uh oh, Adkins is a step ahead of these two soon-to-be lovebirds. So is Sofia, as she desires a rematch. Now Adkins tells his surviving hunters that Tha is fair game also. Now saddled with a beautiful elephant herder, does Adkins have a chance to outwit the psycho CIA cast-out? Does he have a chance at redemption for killing his best buddy? Will Tha and Sofia engage in a cat-fight? The answer to this third question is yes, and in surprisingly vicious fashion, I may add.
Some may say this film is stupid and hokey. Perhaps, but it is still a lot of fun and a lot more intellectual than those stupid superhero films like "Thor" and "Iron Man." Mr. Adkins and Ms. Mitra are terrific on the screen and play their characters well. Shot in Thailand, the scenery in "Hard Target 2" (directed by Roel Reine) is beautiful. If the dialog contained in the first paragraph appeals to you, this is a film you need to see. This action thriller is available on Netflix.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Go ahead, eat plants. Don't be surprised, however, if they decide to eat you. We keep them in pots, or a confined garden, but our plant friends may decide to roam, and eat. I guess that is only fair. We eat them, they eat us. One of my favorite Creature Feature films was 1967's "Maneater of Hydra" (aka "Island of the Doomed"). After all, the thirst for human blood spans all of nature. This film from Spain stars Cameron Mitchell in his finest performance.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
It's here! My latest book, Cinema of Vampires. Fans of this blog, which began in the fall of 2013, have enjoyed almost 600 reviews. Now, all of the reviews of vampire films have been compiled in one book. Count Yorga, Dracula, and BloodRayne are finally together, with dozens of other vampire flicks. This book is now available on Amazon by clicking this link Cinema of Vampires .