Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Sabretooth, Xena: Warrior Princess vs. Big Cat

To have seen Vanessa Angel on the screen is to remember her. Many of you might remember her as a buxom lifeguard in "Baywatch." The blonde beauty was cast as "Xena: Warrior Princess" before Lucy Lawless. Unfortunately Ms. Angel became ill and was not able to fly to New Zealand, hence was replaced.  This British actress didn't suffer from that missed opportunity as she remains a very busy actress in movies and TV.  In 2002 she played a sultry mad scientist in "Sabretooth."
Casey the ice-princess
Mad scientist Catherine (Angel) has cloned a sabretooth tiger. Why? Who cares! The beast eats a janitor and escapes when the truck transporting it crashes. This is bad news for Sean (Todd Jensen) and Amanda (Allie Moss). This sexy couple, in the throes of a night of sexual intercourse, will be interrupted. Sean will be eaten by the monster, and Amanda...well...lets just say she won't be sexy anymore. More bad news for five campers led by the very beautiful Casey (Jenna Gering). Casey is leading a party which includes her former lover Trent (Josh Holloway) and a few youths who will serve as tiger bait. Also hitting the plot is Thatcher (David Keith), a big game hunter who will join Catherine and two colleagues in search of the out of control experiment.
The formerly pretty Amanda
Catherine wants the thing captured alive as the patent on it may be worth billions. Meanwhile, after feeding on Sean, and ravaging Amanda, the sabretooth starts hunting the campers. Casey is the only camper not desiring pre-marital sex which earns her the moniker 'ice-princess.' The creature starts feasting on the more amorous of the campers as the hunting party closes in. As the female talent in the camping party is eaten, Trent seeks to win back Casey, as she is still alive.  When Thatcher gets close to the big cat, the evil Catherine sabotages his hunting efforts in order to preserve her cloned patent. Now, in an attempt to save the ice-princess and other survivors, Thatcher must rely on primitive weapons and evade claws and Catherine's greed.
Catherine in a cat-fight
Will Thatcher save Casey and anyone else? Will Casey and Catherine fight the cat, or engage in a vicious cat-fight? What will be Amanda's the beast must have plans for her?  Vanessa Angel and Jenna Gering are the high points of this film as both these actresses are captivating. Even though Catherine is an evil mad-scientist, we do hope this 'Baywatch' lifeguard survives, only because she plays to the camera well. Directed by James D.R. Hickox, enjoy "Sabretooth," which earned a 3.4/10 rating on IMDB (yes, this rating is described as "better than anything Harrison Ford has done in the last 30 years).

Monday, June 18, 2018

Stinger, Scorpions on a Sub

Daniella Kimber (nee Vesterlund) is a Swedish beauty. As far as actresses go, few are more interesting. Beauty pageant finalist for Miss Sweden and survivor of the U.S. airstrike on Tripoli in 1986, this sultry thespian was sponsored by Muammar Al Qadhafi for an exclusive riding club in Libya. Ms. Kimber is also an honorary citizen in the Kingdom of Badagry in Nigeria. However, she is also a princess in this blog as we will see her stripped naked by a monster scorpion, stung and raped by same insect, and reduced to a sad sack of scorpion longer beautiful. Hence 2005's "Stinger." Oh yes, this film received a 1.9/10 rating on IMDB, which translates to "better than anything George Clooney has done."
The USS Newark nuclear submarine is missing. Little does the navy know, the sub's crew were slaughtered by monster scorpions hundreds of feet below the ocean surface. As the sub is discovered months later, some marines and the sultry Dr. Carly Ryan (Michelle Meadows) are sent to recover its top secret cargo.  Also sent is Ellie (Kimbers). Ellie's purpose in this mission is kept secret but she'll strip a lot, show off some alluring undies, and have pre-marital sex before a monster bug ravishes her. Carly works for a scientific firm that has created monster scorpions to replace soldiers on the battlefield. I have to admit, I've tried this in my basement lab.
When the crew arrives at the sunken sub, all the sailors are dead and infested with scorpion larvae. Carly is of little help and the monster army attacks our marines.  Oh yes, Carly's ex is also part of the scientific team. He and Ellie (Richard Froelich) have been offered millions to kill the marines and Carly and retrieve some scorpions. As Carly screams a lot and has her t-shirt ripped off by amorous bugs, the USMC starts fighting back.  Surprises abound, and one or two of them are quite horrific. With Ellie out of the picture, all hopes of a cat-fight between her and Carly are dashed, but is Carly's virtue at risk from these amorous scorpions?
Will anyone survive the scorpion war on this submarine?  Will Carly emerge un-soiled by her bug nemesis? Will the Swedish beauty, gang raped by scorpions, risk being type-cast as insect bait in future films?  Directed by Martin Munthe, this effort from Sweden is gratuitous, claustrophobic, and icky. Though her fate was quite disgusting, Daniella Kimber endears herself to horror film fans all over Sweden, Libya, Nigeria, and America with her role as the doomed vixen. Avoid any George Clooney garbage and enjoy "Stinger." 

Saturday, June 16, 2018

Bleading Lady, Scream Queen vs. Psycho

Fans of Jason Statham and his 'Transporter" films will not want to miss today's film, 2010's "Bleading Lady." Okay, so the films have very little in common, but for gratuitous gore and nudity and a sultry damsel in much distress, this is the film for you. Fans of slasher films have always been interested in the actresses who play the scream-queens, and unfortunately for the scream-queen in this film, one of her fans takes an intense interest in her. Rape, torture and humiliation may be the goal of our psycho, but scream-queens have fight, and we'll see it in this one.
Don (Dan Ellis) is a professional driver. As our story begins, two hunks and two babes he is transporting annoy him and he cuts them to pieces with a machete. They were annoying, so we don't hold this indiscretion against him. His next job is to transport the world's most famous scream-queen, from a lodge to the movie set every day. Riversa Red (Sindy Faraguna). Riversa has starred in over 100 straight to DVD slasher films including "Thong Massacre" and "Floss of Death" (I gotta find those DVDs). Don is obsessed and sees himself as her protector. Uh oh, Riversa has a stalker. Don hates Luke (Nathan Durec), the director, and now sets out on a mission kill and save Riversa from the amateurish film she is making...or something like that.
As the film is shot, and it is a good one, we see bodies cut up (in the film within the film) and actresses in gratuitous nude scenes. Sienna (Erindera Farga) is a scream-queen wannabe, and Don is not about to let her replace Riversa in the circuit. Don proceeds to intercept Riversa's boyfriend and decapitate him.  More homicide and then Don enacts his master plan. He will hijack the film and torment the entire cast and crew. Sienna, Luke, and many others will meet horrific fates which include castration, stabbing, and being buried alive. As Riversa sees the carnage unfold, she sees the humiliation and torture heading her way. Now she must fight the ultimate slasher, but this one in real life.
What does Don have planned for Riversa?  Can Riversa use any of the moves from her role in "Thong Massacre" to repel the evil psycho?  With the demise of the sultry Sienna, did Don actually do Riversa a favor, that is if she survives?  Oh yes...twists will abound in the final 15 minutes and Riversa's peril will be more horrific than described above. Gratuitous gore and nudity are piled high and the actors and actresses do a fine job. Written and directed by Ryan Nicholson, "Bleading Lady" (aka "Star Vehicle") is a far superior film than 2011's "Drive" with Ryan Gosling.

Friday, June 15, 2018

Guest Review: Tokyo Ghoul by Chris BFlix

I'm a colossal fan of the two season anime series released by Funimation in 2015.Groundbreaking artwork plus awesome anime action equals cult classic. Now known for its not so Naruto narrative making imitation knockoffs nauseous! The nerd in me naturally got nervous to hear news of a live action adaptation to the big screen. Was director Kentaro Hagiwara going to pull off fittings 2 seasons in to 1 movie? The answer is yes. . .
Rest easy everyone because not only did he succeed in doing so, he also surpassed fanboy expectations by a sizable margin. In a cinematic journey to get lost in he reflects on a mirror image of the manga as well as capitalizing on the true to its roots aspect. Frame for frame precision allows cgi sequences to take a life of its own. Refreshingly down to earth dialog, classy kills, grade A gore and mesmerizing makeup FX that made me forget about its animated origin. Starring Masataka Kubota best known for his role in Attack on Titan. Masataka plays (Ken Kaneki) a brainy college kid who is brutally bashful at his best when balls deep in a good book. A life altering date of fate turns Ken into half man half Ghoul.
The Japanese underworld is crawling with creatures disguised as people. A local coffee shop is run by a group of misfit monsters. Some are turned and most are born into the life. The band of beasts reluctantly takes in Ken exposing him to the harsh reality of their ways. Meanwhile a task force is spawned to pursue and bring down ghouls. Heading up the CCS is a good cop bad cop duo. The rookie by the book and the get it done by any means vet. Its kill or be killed especially when it comes to this epidemic. a fight for what is right weather its human life or ones that go bump in the night. Our lead character goes from bookworm to badass all the while capitalizing on his new found abilities. As relationships form character growth is taken to unpredictable heights!!! How will Kaneki and a new found hunger for human flesh make him a better person? Well let's just say a social pecking order puts Ken at the top of the food chain.(so to speak lol)

 I'm @chrisbflix a new guest of the emporium thanks for reading.

Chris Bflix is a buddy, and neighbor of mine. He is a movie maker and soon will complete his slasher epic “Bobby Box-cutter.”

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Bus Party to Hell, Orgasmic Blood Orgy

The winner of the Taaffe O'Connell Award, as presented by Zisi Emporium for B Movies, is...Selena D! You remember Ms. O'Connell, the actress who was raped by a giant worm in "Galaxy of Terror." This award is presented to the actress who goes above and beyond to endure the most gratuitous and humiliating death imaginable, in a horror film. In 2017's "Bus Party to Hell," Selena D. will be stripped, have human blood smeared all over her, have a huge python inserted into her through her mouth, be sliced open in her belly and have the python removed through her gut along with her entrails. She will then be decapitated and eaten by Satanic cannibals...what a way to go!  This death captures the essence of this film directed by Rolfe Kanefsky.
Bikini model Kimberly (Devanny Pinn) is stripped and ripped apart by mummies...but let us not dwell on the pre-story. Jumping ahead, a bus load of schmucks believe they are being driven to The Burning Man Celebration in the desert. Little do they know, their bus driver has been slain and satanist Joan (Sadie Katz) has taken her place. Also on the bus is pretty teen Lara (Stefani Blake), who is escaping from a groping old-fart. Okay, as Joan mows down Tara Reid, she takes the bus into the orgy grounds of a devil cult. There, satanists attack and rape. Most of the riders will be beheaded, raped and eaten by large breasted Satan-chicks, we all know what that is like. Several survivors will then barricade themselves in the bus.
As the Satanists sacrifice the large breasted Selena D., and Ivy (Shelby McCullough) and Lara engage in passionate lesbian sex in the bus' latrine, our film is now in full force. The evil ones are eager to lure the chosen one off the bus, the problem is no one on the bus knows who that is, not even the chosen one. While waiting for the chosen one, large breasted satanists engage in more lesbian sex while covered in blood. Nudity, pre-marital sex, and disembowelment will be rampant on the bus and outside the bus as satanic magic plays havoc with the survivors, who are dwindling in numbers. Ivy and Reese (ViDonna Michales) emerge as the best chance for our survivors. Tarantulas, snakes, lizards, and scorpions will have a role in Satan's plot to kill all the survivors, but remember Lara? The cute blonde, who is naked through much of this film, as is every character with breasts, just may hold the key to either survival or ruination.
Gratuitous and gory, this film is a must see for fans of this blog. Michael and Sonny Mahal probably made this film with my blog in mind, and we are forever indebted to them. Sure, there might be hesitation to discuss this film at a book club meeting or a Lions Club dinner, but "Bus Party to Hell" has it all.  Though she meets a tragic end, in which she will end up in many pieces, Tara Reid displays an energy and an unstableness in her portrayal of Darby that sets the tone for the entire film. So ignore the flop that is "Solo," and see "Bus Party to Hell." If you should ever meet Selena D., please share this review with her.

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Shallow Grave, College Girls Slaughtered

The brutality of some of the horror films of the 1980s caught the attention of self-proclaimed morality policemen. Tipper Gore (the wife of Al Gore) was such one clown. When her husband ran for the nomination against Michael Dukakis, Mrs. Gore dropped the cause like a Cincinnati Bengal receiver drops a touchdown pass. Hence 1987's "Shallow Grave" went unnoticed by any government committee. The brutal slaughter of helpless college girls after humiliation and torment make this tale a bit more harder to take than some of the other 'playful' slasher films of the era.
During a very gratuitous shower scene, a nubile college babe (Kimberly Johnston) will be humiliated and horrified by a prank of four of her classmates. The four offenders will be called to the headmaster's office and read the riot act. Basically, they get away with it and pile into a red convertible and head to Fort Lauderdale for Spring Break. These silly flirts are only interested in college guys and alcohol, but their lives will change...and so will their lifespans. When their car is disabled in rural Georgia, Sue Ellen (Lisa Stahl) will head into the woods to relieve herself. Bad idea as she will then witness the naked sheriff (Tony March) murder the naked Angie (Merry Rozelle). Now our four coeds become hunted.
Poor Rose (Donna Baltron). She has just stripped down to her panties to sunbathe near the disabled convertible and will get a bullet to the head from the maniacal sheriff. Cindy (Just Kelly) will also be slaughtered as the sheriff's rage begins. Now the lovely Sue Ellen and Patty (Carol Cadby) are on the run. Now framed for the murders of their friends and Angie, our sultry duo are hunted by the whole town. Their fate will be tortuous and heartbreaking, but can they survive an evil sheriff and false murder charges? As the immature flirts are turned into damsels in much distress, we the viewer are now pulling for their survival.
Not the feel good film of 1987, but this gratuitous and brutal story will please fans of those who like their horror with an edge. Both Sue Ellen and Patty are quite stunning and the torment that will befell them will be hard to watch. Playful and silly for the first half hour, to ominous and brutal in the final hour, "Shallow Grave" (directed by Richard Styles) is a surprising gem from the 1980s.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

The New Girls, Vampires Eat North Dakota

Vampire vixens! Kate Beckinsale, Rhona Mitra, and Natassia Malthe have played them so well. Beautiful women of the night has been an important plot device in modern vampire films. Exotic settings have also accompanied these beauties, Berlin, Paris, and Fargo...wait...Fargo! Okay, it's not big budget, and perhaps B grade is a bit of a stretch, but the C grade "The New Girls," from 2009, is a terrific and ambitious vixen-vampire warrior film. The movie may have flaws, but in the case of this Sonny Fernandez creation, those flaws only enhance this pristine and violent horror epic.
Three babes hit Fargo...okay, stop your jokes. I know, what do you call a beautiful woman in Fargo? A tourist! That's not funny, I've been to Fargo and it is filled with babes. These vixens just so happen to be centuries old bloodsuckers, looking for fresh blood for their diet.  Instantly they feast on male college kids. Svletlana (Liz Docktor) leads the trio, she is beautiful, sly, and very deadly. Lenore (Casey McMillian) is the blonde babe, and perhaps the most level headed of the three. Then there is Renai (Kim Haarman)! Oh she is sweet. She is so sweet that if you are diabetic, don't watch this film. As the monster-girls settle into an old mansion, Fargo's male population takes instant notice, and many will assume room temperature real fast.
Uh oh...the very sweet Renai will fall in love with the loser Ben (Cody Tergesen). Ben is a loser in the mortal world and when the stunning and very sweet Renai falls in love with him, he can't believe it. Ben figures there is a catch...and there is.  The very sweet Renai is a bit impulsive, and against the wisdom of Lenore and Svletlana, she plots to turn Ben into a vampire. Meanwhile, Will (Justin Kavlie) puts two and two together after many of his pals are either drained of blood or turned into bloodsuckers, becomes the Van Helsing of the prairies. Will does his research, grabs some wooden stakes, holy water, garlic, and a few other believers and sets off to destroy the ungodly babes. Beware, the babes are smart and take an early advantage in this battle. Uh oh for the babes, the sweet Renai's puppy love for the loser Ben may provide a vulnerability which  Will can exploit.
The blood will fly, necks will be ripped open, and Fargo's snow will be stained red. Can the sweet, but toothy, Renai find an eternity of happiness with a loser with the personality of a hockey puck? Does Van Helsing wannabe Will have a prayer to defeat a nemesis that has been battle hardened over centuries? The monsters are seductive and the heroes are dorky, but likable in "The New Girls." This action-packed horror yarn has energy and sweetness. For an alternative to the summer bore-a-thons, like "Solo," find "The New Girls" and enjoy an alluring film experience.