Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Attack of the Killer Shrews!, You Shrews, You Lose

There is nothing tame about these shrews.  Unlike Shakespeare's shrews, 2016's "Attack of the Killing Shrews!" brings us blood, carnage, cheesy special creature effects, and annoying mascot drama (you'll see, but it is quite satisfying).  In this Ken Cosentino film, an epic re-imaging of the 1959 classic hits our screen in bright, splattered red.  With a hearty endorsement from Troma's Lloyd Kaufman, some hot babes, mad scientists, square jawed heroes, the military, and toothy creatures converge in horrific comedy.
The original "Attack of the Killer Shrews" is a MST3K classic.  A horror film with many unintentional comedic elements.  In Mr. Consentino's film, the comedy isn't so unintentional.  Fear not, lots of blood will be sprayed and plenty of creatures, over-the-top cheesy as they might be, prance throughout this entire work.  Initially, the plot of these two films is similar.  After a mad scientist's (Mick O'Keefe) experiment goes wrong and unleashes a horde of dog sized shrews on a community, a professor's home is the first to be invaded.  Professor Perry (Jonathan Rogers), the world's greatest scientist (just ask him), is hosting a small party.  His agent, Lewis (Marcus Ganci-Rotella), his babe Cassandra (Cheryl Szymczak), the sultry B movie queen Fiona Rae (Elizabeth Houlihan) and the sheriff (Bill Kennedy) are in attendance.
The shrews, just like zombies, have a penchant for getting in, and soon the professor's home is infested.  After a bloody battle indoors, the party goers flee.  Uh oh, the shrews are now all over town. Perry man's up and utters the heroic phrase, "I have a score to settle with some shrews, and I have a pocket full of shells."  As the sexy Cassandra screams, Fiona Rae man's up and together with the sheriff begin taking the fight to the vermin.  But wait!  The military arrives.  These guys aren't exactly the SEALs, and their strategy may do more harm than the shrews.  Will this western New York community survive the shrews, the military, and a shotgun wielding professor?  Will Fiona Rae make her next screen test?
The ending will be bloody and explosive and on a grander scale than "Dr. Strangelove." Though a comedy, Mr. Consentino obviously possesses a respect for the original B horror film from 1959. The shrews are hilarious looking and are enhanced by the comedic acting of the protagonists.  All the acting is first class and I tip my hat to Ms. Houlihan's portrayal of a 1950s type scream queen (this blog loves scream queens).  Visit the website of "Attack of the Killer Shrews!" by clicking on this link Killer Shrew Movie

Monday, January 16, 2017

Spaceship Terror, Maniac Cannibal Butcher vs. Sweaty Space Babes

Ahhh! Nothing like the horror/scifi/exploitation sub-genre in film.  We have to give 2011's "Spaceship Terror" creator, Harry Tchinski, a lot of credit.  Not only does he place six space babes on a cavernous space ship, but he also turns the temperature up to 115 degrees so the lovelies will have to strip to their undies while being hunted by a cannibal fiend. The nubile and sweaty beauties of "Spaceship Terror" will be in for fates worse than death.
A spaceship carrying five babes and their captain (Stephen Lestat) crash lands on a remote planet. Uh oh, the rescue ship lands and the six take refuge on it.  Immediately, the captain is skewered and drilled, to the horror of the women.  Laura (Kristen Springer) seems to be in command now.  The ladies find Chris (Emma Lee Nguyen), another space babe, on the ship.  Chris is half insane and claims she has been prisoner on the ship for two years.  The doors lock and the Terror takes off. Chris has more bad news.  It seems a butcher/cannibal maniac (Jay Wesley Cochran) likes to hunt women.
The games start.  One of the babes, Annie (Ronda Olshefski) is taken.  Her fate is too horrific to be put into words, but we can say she would have been better off dead.  As Laura pumps Chris for more intel on their tormentor, the ladies develop a plan to fight back.  In executing this plan more of the damsels will be subject to unimaginable torture, rape, humiliation, cannibalism, and mutilation...all while still alive.  As Mia (Yulia Hencheroff) is decapitated and quartered, the half insane Chris tries to help her new friends.  Alas, our maniac stays one step ahead of his prey and keeps them unhinged by letting them see what he does to the ones he captures.  Kelly (Jenny Lin) will suffer a double humiliating death, which will not be fast.
 Will any of our damsels survive?  Is "Spaceship Terror" a horrific metaphor of the sexual harassment that permeates NASA?  In addition to fending off a monster, will the space babes seize the opportunity to engage in some spirited cat-fights?  "Spaceship Terror" will probably be the goriest film you see in 2017.  Scantily clad and sweaty damsels, a monster slasher, and some tortuous and elongated death scenes make "Spaceship Terror" the best horror/exploitation film to hit DVD in several years.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Space Mutiny, Unanswered Space Babe Questions

For those of us who saw 1988's "Space Mutiny" when it first came out, unanswered questions have plagued us ever since.  The nubile Lieutenant Lamont (Billy Second) presents a macabre query which has haunted us for decades.  The pretty officer is blown away by heavies, but emerges unharmed steering the ship a few minutes later.  How can that be?  Then there is the uncomfortable question of Cisse Cameron.  The actress plays the leading space-babe in this film.  For almost 30 years B movie fans have all been wrestling with an awkward, unspoken question.  Is Cisse Cameron, space-babe, in fact a space-babe, or is she too reminiscent of our grandmothers?  However weird this sounds, her body says one thing, but her be the judge.
The Southern Sun (which looks oddly similar to Battlestar Galactica) carries thousands of Earthlings in a 10 light year journey to colonize another world. Trouble...a shuttle's landing on the Southern Sun is sabotaged and only it's captain, Ryder (Reb Brown) survives.  The Sun's commander (Cameron Mitchell) welcomes Ryder aboard, but his daughter Lea (Cameron) is angry at him.  Meanwhile, a psycho officer, Kalgan (John Phillip Law) plots a mutiny on the Sun.  Oh yes, several psychic babes board the ship and have psychic pre-marital sex with male crew members.  As the lead psychic babe warns Cameron of Kalgan's evil intentions, Lea changes her tune and seduces Ryder with a disco and hula-hoop dance...kind of erotic with gratuitous derriere shots, and kin of scary at the same time.
Okay, now this film gets good.  Lea and Ryder witness Kalgan murder the sultry Lt. Lamont. The lovebirds then get  into a major laser gun fight with Kalgan and his henchmen.  During the fight, Lamont is back at her console, recovering nicely from her demise.  As the commander receives more counsel and pre-marital psychic sex from the psychic space babe, Ryder and Lea discover the extent of Kalgan's horrific plan for the colonists aboard the Southern Sun.  As Kalgan has either murdered or corrupted the majority of the Sun's security forces, Lea, Ryder, and some laser guns and rocket launchers take on Kalgan and his thug horde. As Lea and Ryder engage in steamy pre-marital our heroine must beware as she has no idea what Kalgan is about to attempt on her face.
Can the hunk Ryder and the precocious semi-space babe Lea overcome Kalgan's might and evil desires and save the Southern Sun?   Will the psychic space babes trade in psychic pre-marital sex for a more carnal variety of intimacy?  Will Ryder's eyes, which are glued on Lea's body, ever gravitate to her face?  "Space Mutiny," directed by David Winters is a lot of fun.  For those of you fed up with the hype and preachy nature of "Star Wars," this film is a perfect elixir.  Fans of "Battlestar Galactica" will enjoy the space battle scenes, as they are taken directly out of the television series.  

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Hide and Go Shriek, Teens, a Slasher, and Furniture

In the tradition of Chopping Mall we have more great looking teens with a brilliant idea.  Instead of a mall, we visit a furniture store where four hunks and four babes have a sure fire idea for an orgy.  When teen-aged hormones talk, nothing can go wrong!  As the lingerie and boxers fly off, decapitations and impalement cannot be far behind. Today we look at 1988's "Hide and Go Shriek," directed by Skip Schoolnik.
Dead woman of the night
They've just graduated high school and their horny.  Only one thing to do...sneak into a furniture store as it closes and have lots of pre-marital sex.  Yeah, I know, we've all done it.  Kim (Annette Sinclair) seems to be the head skank with lots of experience in pre-marital sex.  She has some very slinky linger ie which she lends to virgin Malissa (Ria Pavia).  Enough of the backstories, let's fast-forward to the orgy.  Oh, by the way, some transvestite (Scott Kubay) has knifed a prostitute  (Robin Turk) just after the opening credits. More on him later. As the frolicking begins, head skank Kim has a brilliant idea.  Play Hide and Seek!  Fortunately for our virile and potent teens, this does not hamper their ability to have pre-marital sex.  What does hamper their amorous activities is a slasher that is also in the store.  One by guessed it...the killer starts picking off the teens.
In underwear, or boxers, or completely nude, the beautiful begin to fall.  Malissa has her head bashed in and her beau, Shawn (Scott Fults) is spiked, and the carnage begins.  The rest of the kills are quite imaginative, as one poor schmuck will be impaled by a mannequin arm, and another decapitated by an elevator.  Eventually the survivors realize they are being hunted, but by who?  What of the aforementioned transvestite?  Is he in the store?  Throw in another suspect or two and we have a fun version of Hide and Seek.
The Nude Kim in much peril
Will our teens mount a counter-strike and turn the tables on their nemesis?  Will head-skank, and almost always topless Kim suffer the cruelest death of all her friends because of her immoral persona?  Will 1980s Hollywood seek to vilify the psycho-transvestite community in this slasher film?  There will be lots of gratuitous nudity, some exotic strip-teases, imaginative gore, and more gratuitous nudity in this slasher offering.  Ignore all the bore-athons from this month's Golden Globes show and enjoy the carnal pleasures of "Hide and Go Shriek."

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Aenigma, Beautiful College Girls in Trouble

What do beautiful college coeds do at all women colleges?  Thanks to 1980s horror films we know.  They hang out in alluring lingerie, talk about pre-marital sex with handsome professors, and maybe throw an occasional pillow.  In 1987's "Aenigma," directed by Lucio Fulci, they also die in tortuous ways. A warning to all you young ladies in college: If pre-marital sex is more of a priority to you than your art history class, you will probably be decapitated while in a state of nudity. If you don't believe me, ask any Italian horror director.
St. Mary's College, where all the students are beautiful young women...except Cathy (Milijana Zirojevic).  This plain Jane young lady has a date with her hunk P.E. professor (Ricardo Acerbi).  It's a prank, unfortunately.  After getting all dolled up, she and her date engage in pre-marital sex in his parked car.  Unbeknownst to Cathy, a microphone broadcasts her moans and coos to all her classmates.  Humiliated, she runs away and is maimed by oncoming traffic.  Now Cathy is all torn up and in a coma in ICU.  Enter Eva (Lara Lamberti), a new coed at the college.  As she enters the dorm, Cathy's spirit enters her body.  Eva is a skank, and seeks to have lots of pre-marital sex, which is just fine with Cathy's spirit.
Eva now begins Cathy's trek to kill all her classmates, and the hunk professor.  With a touch of the supernatural, Eva goes through her classmates like crap through a goose.  In typical Lucio Fulci fashion, many of these kills are of the icky variety.  Virginia (Kathi Wise), for example lay paralyzed and nude on her bed while thousands of snails crawl onto her and into her every orifice.  Back at ICU, Cathy develops a crush on her attending doctor, Robert (Jared Martin).  Thus Eva seduces Martin...over and over again.  The two will have lots of pre-marital sex.  When Eva becomes inconvenient, Robert will have lots of pre-maital sex with Cathy's old room mate, Jenny (Olli Reinthaler).  Now Eva is sent to kill the fair and nubile Jenny.
Will Cathy's quest be completed?  Exactly how is Cathy able to send her spirit to possess Eva?  How about our skank Eva?  Are Eva's goals and Cathy's quest incompatible?  Will the hospital or the AMA subject the horny doctor to sexual harassment or ethics classes?  The kills are imaginative and gory.  Lots of decapitations and gratuitous scenes of young ladies frolicking enhance this Italian horror film. Perhaps "Aenigma" is not one of Fulci's best films, but the snail-kill will stay with you long after the end credits roll.  

Sunday, January 8, 2017

The Vampire and the Ballerina, Erotic and Alluring Horror

Erotic and dark are two adjectives that best describe 1960's Italian horror film, "The Vampire and the Ballerina."  Quirky is also a fitting descriptor.  For example, when a troupe of sultry ballerinas find out a vampire is stalking them, they quickly put together an improv routine high on eroticism and ominousness which features the helpless damsels put upon by a dark force.  What initially seems like a standard Dracula-theme plot, quickly takes a turn to add some neat mystery to the story.  Heavy on beautiful, buxom damsels, and maybe a couple of shapely vampires, "The Vampire and the Ballerina," gratuitous and horrific, is a neat take on the vampire legend.
Our beautiful damsels arrive at an inn in a town where local babes have been bitten by a vampire. On their first night, the lovely Brigitte is bitten and turned by a grotesque bloodsucker. The next evening finds Luisa (Helene Remy), her BFF Francesca (Tina Gloriani), and Francesca's fiance, Luca (Isarco Ravaloli) lost and finding refuge in an old castle.  They are greeted by the sultry Countess (Brigitte Castor) and her apparent servant, Herman (Walter Brandi).  When Luisa gets lost in the hallways, she is preyed upon and bitten by that grotesque vampire.  The trio flee the castle, but now Luisa is under the spell of that vampire.
Suspecting that the Countess is...well...maybe a vampire, Francesca tries to warn the other gals about her.  Knowing Francesca is on to them, the Countess, who may be a vampire, Herman, who may be a vampire, and that grotesque vampire set their sights...and fangs on the fair Francesca.  Her tormentors have an ally, the beautiful spellbound Luisa also plots Francesca's demise.  Just who exactly are the vampires, and what do they have in mind?  Are their some spirited cat-fights in store for us in this film?
Heavy on gratuitous and erotic dance scenes, this film highlights some very beautiful actresses...and perhaps a hot vampire or two.  Ballet fans may be a bit disappointed as our troupe more resembles a collection of dance hall damsels than the cast of "Swan Lake."  With a few twists to the standard vampire film plot, "The Vampire and the Ballerina" is a terrific and atmospheric film which can be found on YouTube.

Friday, January 6, 2017

The Lady Terminator, Beware the South Sea Queen

Who, or what, is the South Sea Queen?  Beautiful seductress and ravager of men is a fitting description of this siren.  She lures men to her island castle where she seduces them.  Pre-marital sex follows, but this ends up very bloody for the awe-struck guys.  See, our seductress has an eel living up know.  When the man's...well...let's call it a John Thomas...When he slips his John Thomas into the queen's...well, you know...our eel friend turns into a sacred dagger and snips off the poor schmuck's John Thomas.  Today we take a peek at a classic from Indonesia, 1989's "The Lady Terminator."
During passionate sex, a wise sailor steals the aforementioned eel from the queen's...well, you know. Now the queen swears she will exact revenge on his great grand daughter, 100 years later.  Present day:  Tania (Barbara Anne Constable) is a beautiful young college student.  Don't call her a lady or she will snap back, "I'm not a lady, I'm an anthropologist."  This babe dons a string bikini and dives into the South Sea seeking the ancient dagger.  Through some mysterious events, she ends up tied to a bed, spread eagle.  Our eel friend then shoots into her...well, you know.  Now the queen has taken over Tania's body.  The nude Tania then walks up onto shore, finds two hunks, and screws them to death.  Same deal, during intercourse, her eel turns into a dagger and snips off their John Thomas'.
Tania's next task, find the great grand daughter of the aforementioned sailor.  This beautiful women is an Indonesian rock star, Erica (Claudia Angelique Rademaker). Clad in leather, armed with an Uzi, Tania starts blowing away Erica's beautiful friends.  She then arrives at a nightclub in which Erica is performing.  Lucky for Erica, a cop named Max (Christopher J. Hart) saves her.  Uh oh, after being shot dozens of times, Tania gets right back up again and pursues Erica and her new beau. These two will even find time for pre-marital sex and mall hopping while fleeing our babe-killing machine. She'll chase them to a police station, kill all the cops, and keep pursuing our fleeing lovebirds. Immune to bullets, and looking really hot in her tight leather outfit, will anyone be able to stop her from killing Erica?
Dozens will be machine-gunned, and lots of men will end up castrated, but will our beautiful damsel survive the ancient queen's wrath?  Borrowing whole scenes from "The Terminator," "The Lady Terminator" is so much fun.  More gratuitous than the Schwarzenegger film, The ending will delight all horror fans.  A cautionary note, especially to you guys, watch where you put your...well...let's just say keep your John Thomas zippered up when a leather clad beauty, armed with an Uzi comes calling.