Monday, September 21, 2020

Paganini Horror, Satanic Composer Shreds Euro-Babes

Who knew? The great 19th century composer/violinist Niccolo Paganini sold his soul to Satan and used his wife's intestines to craft his own violin strings. Happens, I know. What happens when Giallo takes a turn at this plot device? Yep, 1989's "Paganini Horror," directed by the great Italian horror moviemaker, Luigi Cozzi. Throw in Donald Pleasence as Satan, a sultry all-girl rock band, and even some more sultry Euro-Babes and we have a film destined to be as classic as Pagani's scores.
Kate (Jasmine Maimone) is losing it. Her band has a bunch of #1s, but her sultry producer, Lavinia (Maria Cristina Mastrangeli) chews her out for not being able to create any new tunes. Elena (Michel Klippstein) and Rita (Luana Ravegnini) are her guitarist and drummer. Fawning Daniel (Pascal Persaino), an actor in the band's videos, is Mr. Helpful. He purchases a haunting piece of sheet music, written by Paganini. The seller? Satan, of course. Now the band, Daniel, Lavinia, and horror director Mark (Pietro Gennuardi) rent a haunted mansion to film the band's new video. Now Kate and her band have their groove back.
Uh oh, Paganini's devil-worshipping spirit is conjured up. The lovely Rita is first to go as she gets stabbed repeatedly by a violin with a blade. So sad...she was quite the babe. Babes will continue to die horribly, as this is Giallo. My favorite one is when a band member gets eaten by tree fungus...really! Now Kate, Lavinia, and the owner of the mansion, a babe named Sylvia (Daria Nicolodi) must figure out how to stay alive, send Paganini back to Hell, and escape. Oh yeah...the guys...useless...go figure. Babe damsels in much distress are chased and attacked by the otherworldly, and look great in the process. Kate comes up with a really stupid idea...but this is Giallo, so what do we expect.
Will Satan or Paganini enjoy one of these Euro-babes as a bride? Just how useless are Euro-hunks? Wouldn't stomach lining make a better violin string than intestine? The Euro-babes are all sultry and their deaths are gory and imaginative (Just ask Elena about her tree fungus problem). For some nice Giallo and an attractive all-girl band targeted by Satan, see "Paganini Horror."

Killbillies, Killer Slovenian Moonshine

What could be better than beautiful and arrogant European fashion models and moonshine liquor. The only thing better would be if the Swedish Bikini Team showed up with some Old Milwaukee. In the mountainous regions of Slovenia, however, babes and moonshine will have to do. Throw in hillbillies that seek to rape and kill babes, axes, and razors, and we have 2015's "Killbillies," directed by Tornaz Gorkic. Let us take a look at a Slovenian film.
Early on we meet Zina (Nina Ivanisin). A part-time model and actress who happens to be grouchy and quite able to beat anyone up. Her short fuse is shown to us immediately. The beautiful grouch joins fashion photographer Blitcz (Sebastian Cavazza), a real hunk and an annoying blonde model, Mia (Nika Rozman). Mia talks incessantly about herself and we desire her to meet a tortuous death. They head into the mountains for a photo shoot. They pass some hillbillies that look like zombies selling moonshine by the side of the road. The moonshine seems to have weird effects on the consumer, not that regular moonshine does not.
Dragica (Manca Ogorevc) joins them. She is beautiful Unfortunately for our four cosmopolitan Slovenians, Franci (Lotos Sparovec) and Vintir (Jurij Drevensek) arrive. They clobber our models and photographer. The two grotesque hillbillies lock them up in a mountain dungeon. Our beauties better think fast as the hillbillies use Dragica's blood and bodily fluids to make moonshine. The distilling process is quite gory...you'll see. Now Mia and Zina...don't even ask about Blitcz' fate...must strategize and find a way to escape and fight back before they become 150 proof moonshine. The war is on and beauties and hillbillies will get cut up in a graphic manner. Euro models and hillbillies will have a cultural clash that will be blood red.
Will any of our Euro-babes survive the grotesque mountain men? Would stronger government regulation of rural liquor businesses have provided a stronger means of preservation for these Euro-babes? Is using their bodily fluids the only thing our hillbillies desire from the models? Bloody and sometimes heartbreaking, "Killbillies" is quite horrific. For the best film ever made in Slovenia, see "Killbillies." 

Saturday, September 19, 2020

Cry for the Bad Man, Evil Men Slaughtered

The best person to slaughter bad men? Yep...the chick from "I Spit on Your Grave."  Camille Keaton did such a fine job at this chore that the 1978 classic became a mini-franchise. Sarah Butler also did a fine job in the recent remake, but Ms. Keaton wasn't quite done. In 2019's "Cry for the Bad Man," she plays a grouchy widow on the defensive when evil power-brokers plot to take her land away.  Directed by Sam Farmer, "Cry for the Bad Man" is another anthem for all women stuck with men who happen to be pigs.
Marsha (Keaton) is a recent widow living in a big old house on some nice land. The evil MacMohan family wants it. She won't sell. Wayne (Scott Peeler) is the evil oldest MacMohan brother threatens to murder Marsha if she doesn't sell. The entire town is in the pocket of the MacMohans'. Even Marsha's daughter, Helena (Karen Konzen) pleads with her to sell. Seeing a fight looming, Marsha gets out all her guns and loads. Uh oh for the bad guys...watch closely and see signs that the MacMohans' may have picked a fight they will live to regret. Also apparent is the fact that Wayne and his brothers never watched "I Spit on Your Grave."
No pussyfooting around in this movie. War! The entire second half of the film. The MacMohan brothers attack. Marsha is waiting. Appendages will be blown off, gut wounds will yield leaking intestines, blood will splatter all over the screen. After all this gore, both sides double down and go in for the kill. Just when the MacMohan brothers seem to be down for the count...their luck changes. Oh yeah...did I mention the garbage disposal carnage...don't try what you see in this film at home.  Just like Jennifer from the 1978 rape/revenge classic, Marsha is bent on bloody homicide.
Will Marsha castrate any of the MacMohan brothers in her bathtub? Just what is in Marsha's past that makes her uniquely qualified to butcher this evil band of brothers? This film is vicious and gory and wastes little time on setting up the dire situation at hand. For a nice tip of the hat to Camille Keaton's performance in "I Spit on Your Grave," see the bloody "Cry for the Bad Man."

Thursday, September 17, 2020

Trick or Treats, Negligee Clad Damsel in Much Peril

A nice sleek negligee worn by a sultry damsel...say no more. In a classic slasher motif, she'll spend much of 1982's "Trick or Treats" running away from from all sorts of scares. Oh the perils of accepting a baby-sitting gig at a family of unstable sorts. Jacqueline Giroux has that exotic look and mannerisms that will seduce any movie-goer. Directed by Gary Graver, this not too original film will be enjoyed by modern audiences because of Ms. Giroux's allure.
NFL legends Dan Pastorini and Tim Rossini take Malcolm (Peter Jason) away to the looney-bin. His scheming wife Joan (Carrie Snodgress) had him committed and now controls his vast wealth. She'll find a new hubby (David Carradine) soon. Halloween night, a few years later, Linda is in the middle of a gratuitous shower scene when she is hired to babysit Joan's son, Christopher (Chris Graver). The aspiring actress needs the cash so she accepts. Christopher is a magician and horror film buff and plays sick practical jokes on Linda all night. Linda screams well and is very gullible. Linda will eventually end up in a sleek negligee (don't ask).
The horror fun starts when Malcolm escapes from the insane asylum. He heads back to his house intending to murder his family and anyone who gets in the way. Yep, his wife isn't home, but Linda is. Now the scares will become real. Malcolm will carve up Linda's friend Andrea (Jillian Kesner) and set his sights on Linda. Now running through the house in the negligee, Linda is quite the alluring damsel. Staying alive and protecting the weird Christopher won't be easy.
With a family of nutcases, does Linda have more to fear than Malcolm, the escaped lunatic? Just how did Linda get from an alluring one-piece jumpsuit to a sleek nightgown? Will the sultry negligee-clad Linda attract an over abundance of trick-or-treaters? Fans of 80s slasher fare will love this film. Ms. Giroux plays to the camera so well and one will be in suspense waiting to find out if she will be able to avoid being skewered by Malcolm...or someone else. Start prepping for Halloween early by catching "Trick or Treats."

Tuesday, September 15, 2020

Final Examination, Bikini Babes Die Horribly

Bikini babes dying horribly, and many times in a state of nakedness, is what defines great cinema. The guys out there see former GFs who dumped them dying horribly, and women see skanks who stole their BFs dying horribly...everyone is a winner. Throw in gratuitous shower scenes, cat-fights, elongated love scenes...and....drum roll...Debbie Rochon and Kari Wuhrer! Yep, today we look at 2003's "Final Examination," directed by Fred Olen Ray.
A coed dies horribly five years ago. Present day, Narc, Shane (Brent Huff), pisses off the DEA and is transferred to Hawaii (how can I piss off the DEA?). Now a cop in Hawaii, his new partner is Julie (Wuhrer). Julie...think babe with a gun...yes! A mysterious magazine publisher organizes a five year reunion/bikini photo shoot (just go with it), of Big Island University, where every coed has great big...eh, smiles! A sultry photographer, Taylor (Rochon) accompanies the attendees/bikini models with her camera. The gals start dying quickly. After gratuitous Jacuzzi scenes and gratuitous shower scenes, Terri (Kim Maddox) is strangled. Julie and Shane are on the case. No matter, the murder of babes continues...Amanda (Kalau Iwaoka) is next...so sad.
Julie and Shane develop some great leads and suspects. Uh oh...Taylor is quite sultry and seduces Shane. Their scene is quite erotic. Bikini babes that are still alive will frolic and engage in cat-fights...gotta love gritty reality in crime thrillers. You guessed it, that tragedy of five years ago has come back to haunt the bikini babes. As two surviving bikini babes (Amy Lindsay and Belinda Gavin) give us some nice love scenes and fight scenes, their ditzi-ness almost gets our cop duo killed. As Julie and Shane seem to close in on the killer, Taylor emerges as a person of great interest...especially to any guy viewing this film.
What did happen five years ago that has sparked a bikini babe massacre? Is this mysterious photographer babe, Taylor, involved in the murders, or a potential victim? Will Julie and Taylor engage in a gratuitous cat-fight? Everyone in this film, even if not a bikini babe, is great looking. Kari Wuhrer has a great bikini scene when Shane has a fantasy dream about her. Taylor's seduction scene will send all you guys to the showers. For some prurient fun and also a nice murder mystery, see "Final Examination."

Sunday, September 13, 2020

The Creeping Flesh, Battle of the Mad Scientists

Mad Scientists! Yes! Even better...the two mads in question are Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee as demented half-brothers. Throw in a nubile damsel who turns into a homicidal killer, and a huge monstrous creature bent on spreading evil. This 1973 film is not from Hammer, but the elements that make it up will be familiar to Hammer fans. Today we look at "The Creeping Flesh," directed by Freddie Francis.
Professor Emmanuel Hildren (Cushing) has made quite the discover in New Guinea. He brings home an eight foot skeleton of a monster creature that walked the Earth way before man did. His brother, James (Lee) runs a lunatic asylum for the criminally insane. Emmanuel's wife went completely mad and died as a patient of James'. Oh yes, the nubile Penelope (Lorna Heilbron) was never told about her mom's insanity. Back to the creature...er skeleton. Emmanuel finds out that if water is poured on the thing, flesh will grow back on the bones. He stops it, for now...though you can imagine what's coming. Uh oh again, Penelope begins to go mad, just like her mom did. She becomes quite the slut and goes on a murderous rampage through London's seediest parts.
James' is doing experiments to figure out what causes mental disorders. Good luck! Emmanuel is trying to figure out what to do with a skeleton that wants to become a monster. Penelope is slicing through London brutes like crap through a goose. Yep...rain storms are coming and the three subplots are on a collision course. Of course, the skeleton will get soaked and now an eight foot grotesque fiend is also on the prowl...but with an ambitious purpose.
What does the huge fiend desire and how will that play into James, Emmanuel, and Penelope's fates? Will James be able to capture, study, and experiment on the sultry homicidal nutsoid? Will Emmanuel ever get a clue and do something even remotely useful to stop the spread of evil throughout the world? This is a neat horror story with a far reaching conclusion. For some great interaction between a couple of horror legends, a horrific monster, and a nubile damsel/murderess...see "The Creeping Flesh."

Friday, September 11, 2020

Devil's Den, Vampires vs. Kelly Hu

Kelly Hu is one of the most beautiful actresses of the past 50 years. One of my favorite films is 2009's "The Tournament." In that film, Ms. Hu plays assassin Lai Lai Zhen. The sultry Asian assassin finds redemption after much carnage and soul searching. She survives in that film. Usually, unfortunately, Kelly Hu meets horrible demises in her roles. Today we look at 2006's "Devil's Den," directed by Jeff Burr. In this supernatural horror film she also plays a sultry Asian assassin with a chance at redemption. We can only pray this beautiful woman survives vampire ghouls.
Quinn (Devon Sawa) and Nick (Steven Schub) are small time drug pushers. On their way to sell some Spanish Fly to college girls, they stop off at an out of the way strip club...The Devil's Den. Surprise! Despite being in the middle of nowhere, the strippers are hot. The lead dancer, Jezebel (Dawn Olivieri) takes a liking to Quinn and pulls him in the back for some pre-marital sex. Also in the bar is Leonard (Ken Foree). Uh oh...he's a monster hunter. Monster hunter? Yep...all the sultry strippers are vampire/ghouls and they all change into these creatures and eat all the patrons. Sadly, Nick will be eaten. Leonard pulls out a sword and starts swinging away. Oh yeah, also walking into the Devil's Den is leather clad assassin, Caitlin (Hu).
Caitlin has been hired to kill Quinn...but why and by who? As he follows Quinn and Jezebel to the rear, she pulls out her guns in order to murder Quinn. Then Jezebel changes and Caitlin must use her weapons on her. The bullets merely slow the things down. Decapitating them is the key. Oh, I forgot, Candy (Karen Maxwell) is a busty waitress working her first night at this club. She joins Caitlin, Leonard, and Quinn in trying to survive the vampire horde. Now Leonard recruits the other three to help him kill all the ghouls. Uh oh...the ghouls aren't showing weakness. Uh oh again, Caitlin is starting to like her target, Quinn. Some surprising revelations occur and now Caitlin seeks redemption.
Just who did hire Caitlin...and why is the schmuck Quinn a target for assassination? Does Leonard have a chance at decapitating hordes of vampire ghouls? Will Caitlin and Jezebel involve themselves in the ultimate cat-fight? With a lot of ghouls, gore, and nudity...oh yes, and Kelly Hu in leather, "Devil's Den" is a must see blood bath.