Terror Aboard, Homicide on the High Seas

We have one from 1933 today!  This is one with an extremely large death count as so many of the characters will be murdered on screen in so many different ways by one lone psycho.  We also have one of the earliest shark attacks ever put on the silver screen.  A nubile blonde in great peril, always a good thing in these films.  A square jawed, though not too adept, potential hero.  They'll die faster than you can count in this one, so put your life vest on and enjoy "Terror Aboard," directed by Paul Sloane.

As the film begins the seemingly derelict luxury yacht Dulcina is spotted in the south seas.  What happened?  No one on board is alive, the life boats are gone, and a couple of corpses of schmucks who died very mysteriously are found on board.  One blonde babe (Verree Teasdale) is found on deck frozen to death in 100 degree weather. So here is what the flashbacks tell us.  The owner of the boat, Max Kreig (John Halliday) receives a telegram.  Because of his bank fraud, he has been indicted for larceny and will be arrested at next port, Sydney, Australia.  Max keeps the matter secret but murders the ship's telegraph operator, as he knows of the message.  Max loves the sultry blonde Lili (Shirley Grey) and will marry her in Sydney.  Lili loves someone else, but her love, James (Neil Hamilton) is not on the yacht...yet.

Max has an idea.  Murder everyone on board, escape to an uninhabited island with Lili, and evade prosecution.  Now he must go about murdering everyone.  He sews seeds of suspicion on other officers on board.  Blackie (Charles Ruggles) as the steward has an apparent comedic role, but when Max murders his girlfriend, the chambermaid Lena (Leila Bennett), he teams up with James to protect Lili.  Yep, James has arrived.  Finding out Max has stolen his love, James crashes his airplane into the drink to be rescued by the doomed yacht.  Now James can protect Lili and it won't be long before he, Lili, and Blackie know Max is total psycho.  Max is now an experienced killer and he gets mighty good at it.

Do James, Lili, and Blackie have a shot at surviving the wrath of Max?  Will anyone else survive, or will Max wipe out all the rest of the passengers and crew...which would make this the bloodiest movie of all time?  What does a man-eating shark have to say about all this?  For an extremely clever film with a lot of imaginative death scenes, and a babe blonde in peril, see "Terror Aboard." 

Intruders, Agoraphobic Horror

Sure she's blonde and attractive.  Helpless, nubile, half-crazy, and vulnerable.  Then add men to the mix.  Men!  Brutes!  Misogynists!  Those awful grunting would-be hunks.  Can a beautiful and vulnerable blonde survive this recipe?  Even worse, our babe is agoraphobic...leaving her house is not an option.  She's that vulnerable!  Our feature today is 2015's "Intruders," directed by Adam Schindler.

Anna (Beth Riesgraf) is our aforementioned babe agoraphobic. Something buried deep in her past has gave her this psychological disorder.  As the film begins she is tending to her cancer-ridden brother (Timothy McKinney)...but he'll die.  Now Anna is alone and unable to exit her front door.  A kindly milquetoast delivery guy, Dan (Rory Culkin) brings her her meals and cheers her up everyday. Uh oh, the day of the funeral arrives, and Anna gets all dolled up in black.  Yep...you guessed it.  She's too afraid to actually leave the house to attend her brother's funeral.  Three brutes, who read obituaries, figure Anna's house will be vacant and show up.  They break in to rob the place and find Anna.  JP (Jack Kesy), his brother Vance (Joshua Mikela), and the pure psycho Perry (Martin Starr) soon find Anna, beat her up, duct tape her, and try to get her to tell them where all the money is.  They also figure out she is agoraphobic.

Now Nora figures these three baddies do not plan to let her live.  They use one another's names and do not wear masks.  Nora gets free from her binds and the chase throughout the house in on again.  Uh oh!  Anna is hardly who the three brutes figured she was.  Now the three brutes are on the run and they are not faring well.  Anna has secrets and so does the house.  The real reason why Anna is agoraphobic is revealed and it is horrific.  It may also spell the doom for these three intruders.  Gore, torture, rape, blood, and depraved motives rule the second half of this film.  Not the feel good film of 2015, but still a brutal horror yarn.

Are all blonde babes in reality closet psychos?  Will we still be cheering for the nubile Anna even after she turns predator?  Is there hope that whatever Anna has planned for the three intruders, will cure her of her agoraphobia?  This is a good one and quite ominous at times.  Who is a good guy and who is a monster is separated by a blurred line in this film.  See "Intruders" and rethink who the real villains are in our society.      

Tormented, The Slut vs. The Pigs

Slut? Is she really a slut? I know, it is a relative term. The whole high school and community thinks she is one. Let us not be too judgmental. After all, can't a slut be a hero? Can't a slut be a good guy in the battle against evil forces? Aren't sluts useful at times? I agree...this isn't a productive discussion, so let us dive into today's film, 2014's "Tormented" (aka "Berkshire County").

Pretty redhead Kylie (Alysa King) is pressured into giving her BF Marcus (Aaron Chartrand) oral sex at a Halloween party. Dressed as Little Red Riding Hood, she stays down on him for quite a while while he pulls out his phone and films it all. He will post the video for all to see and Kylie will be the last to know she is America's newest porn star. Totally shamed she arrives at a secluded mansion to tend to two crumb crunchers, Phoebe (Madison Ferguson) and Sam (Christophe Gallander). Their mom calls Kylie a slut and then heads to a party. Kylie isn't the warmest of babysitters but she will get a chance at heroics when three fiends clad in pig masks descend upon the mansion and cut the phone lines.

Now the three pigs led by Swine (Bart Rochon) inflict terror and break into the house. Kylie will put up a great fight but the two kids will be abducted and put in the back of their truck. What else is in the truck? You'll see. Now Kylie plays cat-and-mouse with her three tormentors and she has manned-up. A horrific aspect to this story is one of the pigs is a child (Leo Pady)...and he is also a homicidal maniac. The cops are useless, you'll see, and our three maniacs are a bit more sophisticated than they initially let on. Now Kylie turns into an assassin but her tormentors are ready.

Will Kylie save the two children in her care? Who are these pig tormentors and what do they want with Kylie and the children? Can a teenage girl be a slut and a bad-a** hero? Warning, the ending will be shocking and gory. Whatever mistakes Kylie has made at a drunken Halloween party, she has a chance at redemption...if she survives. Directed by Audrey Cummings, "Tormented" will shock your sensibilities and delve into some taboo.

The Return of Dracula, Vampire Hits California

Bringing Dracula, or a Dracula-like figure to the States is not an uncommon theme.  We all remember "Count Yorga, Vampire" or the "Kolchak: The Night Stalker" TV show. Today we have one of the earliest attempts at this.  Say what you want about today's feature but the Mina-like character is a true babe, and we like her. Unlike Wynona Ryder in the Francis Ford Coppola effort, Norma Eberhardt is a real actress and we like her.  Unlike Ms. Ryder, Ms. Eberhardt looks like someone we'd want to date and would not yell at us for every little thing we do. Just saying..  Today we look at 1958's "The Return of Dracula," directed by Paul Landres. 

The posse is on his tale so Dracula (Francis Lederer) has to get out of Dodge, I mean Europe. He sneaks onto a train and meets an artist, Bellack (Norbert Schiller).  Bellack is heading to the States to live with his relatives in California. Yep, Dracula murders him and takes his identity. Now Dracula shows up at the Mayberry-type residence.  These folks are salt of the earth and the nubile daughter, Rachel (Eberhardt), is quite a dish. Dracula thinks so, too.  Uh oh, Rachel has a boyfriend, Tim (Ray Stricklyn). He's a good sort and puts up with all Rachel's moods. God bless him. Uh oh, Dracula wants her.  He's a strange sort to his hosts who believe he's cousin Bellack.  For instance he takes the mirror down in his room, doesn't appear in daylight, and is afraid of crosses, but we shouldn't be judgmental. 

Okay, now Bellack sets his shop up in an abandoned mine.  He has a coffin for him and one for Rachel for when he turns her.  In the  mean time he bites Jenny (Virginia Vincent) and turns her into his vamp. Uh oh for Dracula, a European cop, Merriman (John Wengraf) hits town on his trail. Now Bellack, sensing danger, makes his move for the nubile lass that is Rachel. Her resistance will be futile, but don't fear...there are men in this film who know what needs to be done and how to do it.  These men are non-existent in today's America...hence we are incapable of winning a war, putting a man on the moon, or building a wall (this review was written last year). 

Yep, the purity of America went out the window when real men went by the wayside! Will Dracula be able to bite and turn Rachel into his bride?  Will the European cop be able to carve a nice stake out of a baseball bat (those same bats are made out of aluminum today)? Will Jenny, with her white negligee falling off, seduce any of the town's guys and maybe some of the town's babes?  Okay, that last question was of a prurient nature. For a neat vampire film that could be shown to the whole family, see "The Return of Dracula." 

Spare Parts, A Girl Punk Band Goes Gladiator

The Ms. 45s!  Yep...a babe punk band. Four ladies who can scream, beat up the audience, bicker, and ultimately kill.  Gotta love the name of the band.  This is a gory one with a bit of taboo in some of the plot lines.  Alas, the four lovelies in this band may not stay lovely.  Our feature today is the 2020 very bloody "Spare Parts," directed by Andrew Thomas Hunt.  Think amputation and Steampunk.

The Ms. 45s complete a gig.  A brawl ends the concert but the babes sell merch afterwards. Amy (Michelle Argyris) is the lead singer and is always bickering with her sister Emma (Emily Alatalo), the guitarist. Also in the group is the newly pregnant Jill (Chelsea Muirhead) and her lesbian lover Cassy (Kiriana Stanton).  I know...you do not need much more information to see this is not going to a pleasant place.  Warning...what will happen to Jill's unborn baby...well...you may not want to continue. For all you non-wusses, let's continue. After a wild car chase, the gals are gassed and wake up with their right arms amputated. The squeamish will turn their heads as we get to see one of these amputations done by a surgeon (Erin Noble).  Now the gals are prisoners in a junkyard world run by the emperor (Julian Richings) who is a cult like figure.  His second in command, and son Sam (Jason Rouse) is sweet on Emma.

Okay, the gals are teamed up and put up against other deviants and bikers.  Just like gladiators in ancient Rome, the gals are fitted with weapons.  Only, their weapons are attached to where their arms used to be. A machete, a sledgehammer, a spike...they are also switchable.  The gals are trained up and do a great job. Uh oh, the pregnant Jill is murdered in the ring immediately.  They killed a pregnant dame?  No, sadly her baby is in a jar being held by the emperor.  Yep, this is a sick one.  The gals are brainwashed but Amy is determined to murder all the junkyard cultists and gain freedom.  A lot of battle and gladiator scenes follow.  Decapitations and impalements will be thrown at you in rapid succession.

Will Amy be able to survive and lead the other gals in her band to freedom?  Will the bickering between sisters Emma and Amy be the greatest impediment to surviving this tortuous predicament?  Would the development of a third chord or a familiarity with melody have saved the Ms. 45s from the almost certain ruination they now face?  See "Spare Parts," that is if you can take it.

Piglet, English Babes Butchered by Giant Pig

From the U.K. a biting political commentary on the horrific reign of terror of Keir Starmer. Yep, sultry dames will die horribly, though some will be cut up first. This one has no relation to the "Winnie-the-Pooh" stories. Sledgehammers, pick-axes, machetes, carving knives, meat hooks, and shot guns will be utilized by a behemoth escaped convict on English babes. The dames won't even be safe in bikinis in hot tubs, if you can believe that.  Today we look at a bloody and grim one (just like Keir Starmer and the Labour Party), 2025's "Piglet," directed by Andrea M. Catinella.

Piglet (Alexander Butler) used to be a runt. A mad scientist at a prison experimented on him, and now he is a behemoth lunatic. He'll kill three guards and escape...oh, he also killed half the prison population. Now he finds his brother, Hogarth (Jerry Vinogradov), who is a weird caretaker of a campsite in the woods. Along comes Susie (Shayli Reagan), a babe.  She and seven friends will celebrate Susie's sister's birthday, Kate (Alina Desmond)...she is 21. The sultry Judith (Valery Danko) will get high soon.  Oh, two blonde babes, Alex (Lauren Staerck) and Diane (Alina Varakuta) will have steamy lesbian make-out sessions in the hot tub and exchange a lot of spit. Hogarth tells his brother, piglet, he can have the girls and he can pick one to be his mate.

Piglet goes bananas.  Diane will give us a nice shower scene, but be axed before the water gets hot.  One by one, the babes are felled, cut up, hung up by meat hooks, and humiliated. Like the Keir Starmer government, this film is incredibly misogynistic.  The babes will be covered in blood and desperately trying to flee Piglet.  Piglet is seemingly invincible and has chosen his mate.  Susie will do anything to protect her younger sister, Kate, and she might have to give her life to do so. Kate is not keen on losing her sister to the pig man, thus will go a little mad herself in order to combat him.  

Will any of the babes survive the wrath of Piglet, or will they all be eaten or used as breeding stock? Is the treatment of these babes by the monster a metaphor for what Brits are subject to in their National Health Service?  Do two hot blonde lesbians in bikinis making out and swapping a lot of spit in a hot tub ever have a chance to survive in these movies? Gratuitous, gory, a mammoth kill-count, and erotically steamy, see "Piglet" and don't get too attached to any of the babes in this film. 

Revenge, Slut Goes Psycho

Wow!  All right...picture this.  A sultry slut in panties and a skimpy top is impaled by a tree branch.  Losing blood fast, she gets down off the tree, yanks the tree branch out of her torso, cauterizes the wound with an aluminum beer can and a cigarette lighter, grabs a shotgun...and goes on a hunt for humans!  Oh!  The cauterized wound?  Now she has the imprint of a beer can logo on her abdomen. In movies, we love sluts.  We don't want our kids to become them or date one.  Still, they beat "strong," "empowered," and independent women who always try to remind you that they had to work twice as hard to achieve what any man has achieved...yawn!  Give me the skank any day of the week. Our feature today is the French film (most of it is in English, no need for subtitles), 2017's "Revenge," directed by Coralie Fargeat.

Jen (Matilda Lutz) is all skank.  The young gal accompanies an older man, the hunk Richard (Kevin Janssens) to a luxury vacation home in the Moroccan desert.  He's married and his kid has his first communion in a few days.  Jen doesn't care and wants Richard to divorce his wife and marry her.  The two have a lot of deviant sex.  Then Richard's Russian mobster buddies arrive.  Stan (Vincent Colombe) and Dmitri (Guillaume Bouchede) are boorish brutes.  The trio are heavily armed as they plan on a hunting weekend in t he desert.  While Richard is out acquiring hunting licenses, Stan rapes Jen.  The brute Stan was so enthralled at Jen's lap dance the prior evening, he figured she wanted it.  She didn't.  

Jen does not want to drop it and the trio of men push her off a cliff in the desert.  She'll be impaled on a tree and left for dead.  Just like Joe Biden is finding out, if you want to kill someone...make sure he or she is dead when you leave the scene.  Through some gory self surgery and some hallucinogenic peyote, Jen recovers and goes on her own personal hunt.  She will be unmerciful.  Blood will be everywhere and the kills will be quite gory.  We cheer for Jen as we like skanks in our films.  Wearing practically nothing, our slut is quite brutal on her heavily armed foes.  The blood will increase the further into the film you get.

Will Jen complete her mission and off Richard, Stan, and Dmitri?  Is Jen a metaphor for the return of beauty to western civilization after the hideous direction women have gone in the Modern Era of wokeness?  Should trashy ornate star earrings and false eyelashes be required for women heroines in film?  You guys will like this film, largely because of the violence and Matilda Lutz.  You babes will love this film largely because of the fashion ideas gleaned from the Jen character.  You woke idiots will detest this film.  See "Revenge" and enjoy a film a real man and a real woman will love.