Monster on a Plane, Critters at 35,000 Feet

Remember "Critters" from 1986? They're back, or at least, the German version.  The little buggers are now at 35,000 feet feasting on babe coeds, sultry stewardesses, hunks, and a cockpit crew.  "Airport" from the 1970s was supposed to be this movie but Dean Martin went spastic when he found out he would have to swap spit with a toothy creature. Today we look at the greatest film ever made in Germany, 2024's "Monster on a Plane," directed by Ezra Tsegaye.

A mad scientist smuggles a suitcase on board a 747 heading to Hamburg from some island paradise. Turbulence occurs and the suitcase opens in the cargo hold. Pretty stewardess Nathalie (Eva Haberman) is on her last flight before retirement, and enjoys talking naughty things with hot young stewardess Karin (Kim Kelly Braun).  Also on board is a nerdy professor, Ben (Robin Czerny), who is returning with his students back to Germany. His students? Most notably the nympho Melanie (Isabel Dornheim) and sweet Salima (Anamika Ditta). Okay, the creature, who looks a lot like the critters in the aforementioned 80s classic, first eats pretty stewardess Karin as she has pre-marital sex with the  co-pilot Nico (Nicolas Torrez).  To make matters worse, when the monster farts, the gas gets anyone near it high and they hallucinate. 

The creature attacks after farting thus the victims see either a centerfold model approaching or some other form of seduction getting close.  The erotic hallucinations allow the little toothy bugger to get up close and bite a limb off.  The pretty coeds will be shredded and so will most of the passengers.  The death count is astronomical and we plead with the screen that at least one sultry stewardess survives.  Nathalie is the best bet to be the surviving stewardess as she grabs anything she can to fight off the predator.  Uh oh, she'll also have to fight off a serial killer, all while falling in love with Ben.  So sweet.  Okay, there's a lot more, but now you see the ingredients to make the greatest film ever out of the EU country rapidly becoming a failed state. 

Will Karin and Nico's erotic death scene be used by stewardess training academies as a case study on the perils of pre-marital sex in the lavatory?  Will anyone on this 747 survive?  Is there any truth to reported accounts that Fritz Lang wrote this screenplay before leaving Nazi Germany for the U.S. in 1934?  Sultry stewardesses, a toothy creature, hot coeds, and an astronomical death count all await you when you put on "Monster on a Plane."

The Mad Bomber, A Bert I. Gordon Crime Drama

Bert I. Gordon did not just do giant creature films, though we do love those monster films. Today we look at a gritty, twisted, and prurient crime drama in which he cast former Los Angeles Dodger and Boston Celtic star, Chuck Connors as the psycho. This early 1970s thriller has a "Dirty Harry" feel to it especially when it comes to the Andrew Robinson psycho. Even worse, the mad bomber character is not the seediest, most depraved creep in this movie.  Our feature today is 1973's "The Mad Bomber" (aka "The Police Connection"), directed by Bert I. Gordon. 

As our film begins, Dorn (Connors) puts a homemade bomb in the halls of a Los Angeles high school.  Boom!  Many children are blown to bits and we see the awful carnage.  Dorn, is a tall fanatical character who is very anal about politeness and following the law to the letter. Next up, he blows up a hospital nearby.  Many die.  Uh oh...a witness.  Here's a problem, she is mute and never saw the bad guy.  The bad guy?  No, not the bomber, but the creep who raped her.  The young woman raped was mute and can't provide Detective Minelli (Vince Edwards) any information. Minelli figures out that whoever raped the young woman in a hospital storage closet also saw the bomber.  Now Minelli is looking for a very perverted and active rapist...in order to gain his cooperation.  The rapist?  Fromley (Neville Brand).  Fromley rapes beautiful young women in nice L.A. neighborhoods in a very vicious manner.

Minelli now has to turn into a vice cop in order to get a witness who can identify the bomber.  Meanwhile, Dorn continues his carnage.  Is there a pattern to the bombings? Yep, but it won't be readily apparent to Minelli or the police psychologists.  Fromley is an easier catch and eventually Minelli busts him. With dozens of aggravated rapes under his collar, Fromley is not eager to help Minelli.  Minelli turns into Harry Callahan and finally gets somewhere.  Dorn?  He is getting more ambitious and his backstory is slowly revealed.  Even more interesting, Dorn is aware that the cops have a witness against him.

Will Fromley decide to cooperate with Det. Minelli?  Why is Dorn blowing up places filled with lots of people and is there a pattern that will help the cops know the next target?  Will Detective Minelli refrain from murdering the perverted rapist long enough to let him identify the mad bomber?  This is a gory one and Bert I. Gordon will have no qualms about showing you children blown to bits.  For a vicious police thriller, see "The Mad Bomber."   

Disturbance, Remake of The Hidden

Remember the 1987 scifi/horror film "The Hidden"?  You remember, Kyle MacLachlan and Michael Nouri. One of the best 1980s movies that no one ever talks about. Our feature today is almost an identical remake of it, though the f/x are lower budget.  Still, we must talk about Colleen Porch, who plays Logan in this one. She's sultry and toned.  She's tanned and bad-a**.  Her midriff is second to none and she looks great wielding a pistol and sporting a tactical holster...alas, we'll not mention her much as her demise is one of the saddest in low-budget horror history.  Our feature today is 2005's "Disturbance" (aka "Choker"), directed by Nick Vallelonga.

Hud Masters (Paul Sloan) has the best 6-pack abs in movie history, you dames will love him. He's a hunk and also a serial killer who was apparently executed for strangling and raping massive amounts of babes. Instead of being executed, a friendly alien being comes to Earth, enters his body through the mouth, and goes in search of evil aliens who want to possess human hosts, then take over the planet. A super secret agency, headed by Russo (Vallelonga) tasks Hud to murder the evil aliens in their new bodies which tend to be hookers, thugs, skanks, and karate masters. Hud's handler? The sultry Logan.  Sadly, there is a little bit of the old Hud Masters in the new one. The rapist, strangler Hud...and Logan finds this out the hard way.

Leader (Hayley DuMond) commands a decreasing number of evil aliens. Here we should mention the most sultry coroner in horror film history, Santo (Katrina Law). Yep, Mr. Vallelonga cast his movies nicely. Let's move on from the sexy coroner, and back to Leader.  Hud gets closer to Leader as the two seem to have a psychic connection.  Oh, by the way, the dumpy Russo has married way above his pay grade and has a sultry wife (Susse Budde) and daughter at home. Relevant? It is once Leader finds out about them.  Hud is losing steam, as human hosts don't provide permanent shells.  Leader is losing her steam.  Leader makes a bold move, and Hud must stay alive long enough to foil it.

What's the deal with Logan, and her early departure?  Will Hud get to Leader to kill her before the evil alien figures out a way to stay alive and conquer Earth?  Who is Nick Vallelonga that he can get so many sultry actresses to appear in his low budget spectacular?  If you missed that aforementioned 1987 film, or even if you saw it, enjoy "Disturbance" for a Friday night fright flick.

Jurassic Domination, Eric Roberts, Jamie Bernadette, and Dinosaurs

Eric Roberts as a 4-Star General? Well, better than General Lloyd Austin! More importantly, one of this blogs favorites, Jamie Bernadette as a full-bird army colonel. Sure we'd rather see her as a sultry dame assassin clad in black leather, but no one wears a colonel's uniform better that Ms. Bernadette. Thank you to our buddies at The Asylum for delivering this dinosaur flick...more specifically allosaurus monsters. Remember the allosaurus from the 1970s TV show "Land of the Lost"? Our feature today is 2022's "Jurassic Domination," directed by Brian Nowak.

Yep, happens everyday. The US Army is creating a genetically altered dinosaur to replace humans on the battlefield. Tried in South America, and maybe soon in The Ukraine, these allosaurus genetically altered monsters, wipe through cartels like crap through a goose. Now they have wiped through an army base in the US the same way. Col. Ramirez (Bernadette), looking good in her uniform, commands this base and reports directly to General Greer (Roberts) at The Pentagon. Her troops? Shredded.  Her scientists? Shredded...except for the sultry geneticist Carrie (Alissa Filoramo). Any soldier babe that will provide eye-candy? Shredded. This leaves Major Tanner (Jack Pearson) and his inept men, and one soon to be shredded babe (Jenny Tran) to contain the monsters. Right! The general wants the weaponized creatures alive.

Taking them alive does not go well.  Tanner and his ever shrinking team are methodically going though the base looking for these things.  The things are also looking for the team. Wait! The sultry babe scientist Carrie has invented a plasma-blasting gun. It can stun and possibly murder the monsters.  The results are mixed when tried on the allosaurus things.  Col. Bernadette looks worried and eventually will grab a blaster and go after the little buggers. Yep, you guessed it. In addition to the escaped dinosaurs, a mother allosaurus has laid eggs, which have hatched, and now the mom and her babies are also loose on the base. 

Will Colonel Bernadette and the sultry scientist Carrie engage in a catfight?  Will Colonel Bernadette and Carrie make it as models on the Plasma-Blaster calendar for 2026?  Will the grunting Major Tanner be able to save any of his team from the buffet line of the allosaurus monsters?  Fans of films from The Asylum will love this one.  Fans of babe scientists with Plasma-Blasters will love this one.  Fans of Jamie Bernadette in uniform will love this one.  All others are wusses.  See "Jurassic Domination" and get your Plasma-Blaster calendar today.   

Doctor X, Ghouls, Cannibalism, and Fay Wray

We have not done a Fay Wray film in quite awhile, so today we examine a rare find from 1932. Yep, the lovely Miss Wray will be in a lot of peril while in a nightgown and very vulnerable. No gorilla here, just a cannibal that wants to eat her. She'll scream, prance around in a nightgown or a shiny silk robe, and even wield a gun.  Our feature today is "Doctor X," directed by Michael Curtiz. This 1932 film was filmed in two-color Technicolor by Warner Brothers.

The Moon Killer has murdered his 6th victim in 6 months. He partially eats his victims after strangling them. The police call in the renowned Dr. Xavier (Lionel Atwill), aka Dr. X. Dr. X finds traces of cannibalism on the corpses and the cops ask him about his Academy of Surgical Research.  Apparently every scientist on staff is a scientist studying the effects of the moon on the human brain, or cannibalism.  A few of his colleagues have even dabbled in cannibalism...who amongst us has not?  Lee (Lee Tracy) is a reporter who has snuck into the morgue and has heard all this. The cops allow Dr. X to conduct his own investigation at his Academy.  Oh, Joanna (Wray) is the doc's sultry daughter and she always walks into his lab at the wrong times. Oh, Lee followed Dr. X back there and has snuck into the place.

Suspecting one of his colleagues of the murder, Dr. X has an experiment that will catch the killer.  Dr. Haines (John Wray), who partook in cannibalism, is the #1 suspect...too easy?  Dr. Wells (Preston Foster) is not a suspect because he only has one arm...oh, really? There are a few more. Dr. X believes he can access the carnal subconscious of these men, draw those to the foreconscious, and expose the real killer.  Meanwhile Lee hides in shadows and the lab closet to find out all he can.  Through some unfortunate circumstances, Joanna, in her nightgown and shiny silk robe, is now put in the path of a very disfigured and ghoulish killer.  Defenseless, all looks lost for Joanna, but could the monster be one of the scientists?

Will Joanna and Lee fall in love?  Will the monster ravage the lovely Joanna?  Just what kind of experiments occur at this weird surgical academy?  Fay Wray is sultry and her screams and looks of horror are classic.  For a neat mad scientist and damsel in peril film, made in color in 1932, see "Doctor X."

Great White Waters, Bikini Babe vs. Sharks and Druggies

Yep, a blonde bikini babe at war with a drug cartel and Great White sharks. Once again, gritty reality from our friends at The Asylum. Sure, bimbos are people too, so why can't they go to war with sharks and cartel henchmen?  Our heroine today has a lot of guns, a boat, and great big...er, I mean a great big smile. Our feature today is 2025's Tubi Original "Great White Waters," directed by Anthony C. Ferrante.

Sultry widow Gia (Angela Cole), clad in a bikini is out on her boat...fishing.  Okay, fishing and jiggling... there, I said it. Looking good while battling a rod and reel, hauling in minnows, her boat comes across another boat belonging to a drug cartel run by the ruthless Leo Reverend (Steve Hanks). Gia doesn't know that one of Leo's men has just been eaten by a shark. See, Leo is on shore bribing the governor as his peeps haul in crates of cocaine from the ocean floor. See, the first boat that was supposed to haul in these crates was eaten, with its crew, by a swarm of Great Whites. Now Jareth (Johnny Ramey) commands the crew and has two bikini babes working with him. Charlotte (Ashton Leigh) is a henchwoman who will shoot anyone if commanded to, and the sniper Lee (Michelle Ng Mini).

With one of his men already eaten, Jareth orders his crew to capture Gia and use her boat. Now Gia is charged with dropping chum to distract the sharks. Uh oh for Jareth and the babes...Gia has a surprise for them. Now Gia is battling the henchmen and henchwoman. The ditz that she is, she is recaptured and now forced to go to the ocean floor and retrieve the sunken coke.  The sharks are all big and there are dozens of them. However, ancient wisdom has taught all of us, a blonde bikini babe with an attitude is greater that a horde of Great Whites.

Three bikini babes, will Gia prevail in a catfight against bikini henchwomen Lee and Charlotte? Just what kind of weapons can Gia pull out from her bikini?  With three grouchy dames, do Jareth, Leo, and the sharks have a chance? Fans of The Asylum flicks will love this one.  Fans of bikini babes will love this one.  Fans of bikini babes shooting machine guns, spear guns, and catfighting will love this one.  All others are mere wusses.  See "Great White Waters," and develop a newfound appreciation for bikini babes with guns...okay, maybe not a newfound appreciation.   

Bikini Nuns, The Church's Answer to Charlie's Angels

Chrissie Wunna just turned in her Magnum Opus in "Crocs!" How does she follow that up?  Well, with a role that that was made for her.  Made by the Lutherans (not really), we have an ages old tale of nuns with great big...smiles...who seduce and murder.  Yeah, there is a plot.  A plot that seems to interfere with this movie's desire to...well...add to that offering plate.  Big...smiles...will abound, and seduction will be squirted like rancid holy water!  Our feature today is "Bikini Nuns," directed by Sushank Kini.

Okay, back in 1992 there was an orphanage massacre that wiped out so many children.  Three little girls survived and became nuns.  They are grown up and fully...inspired.  Now nuns, Mary (Wunna) and her great big...ambition, leads the trio.  There is also the vixen Sarah (Anna Rakhvalova), and the Kate Jackson of the group, Eva (Clara Legallais-Moha).  Under the guidance of the weird priest, Father Grey (Christopher Kouros), the trio go out and search for all responsible for that massacre.  Once found, the babes...er, nuns, will seduce them and shoot them.  In habits, but never for long, the gals grab machineguns, pistols, and other deadly weapons and set out for vengeance.  Now, this is all about a third of the story.  Most of the story is our three babes...sisters, most notably Mary, looking at themselves in the mirror, feeling themselves up, giving themselves tender cleavage buffs, applying cosmetics, and admiring their naked selves.

Now, the hussies...er, sisters, give us quite an exhibition of shiny and supportive undergarments.  Their b..., er smiles, are always highlighted.  Their actions are always similar.  Throw on a habit, much to their annoyance...find the bad guy...seduce him...peel off the habit...pull a gun....demand answers to questions... and then murder the bloke way before he has a chance to answer questions.  They then return to the convent, strip out of the habit, feel themselves up, apply more tender cleavage buffs, and admire themselves in the mirror.  Then do it all again.  The bras are all shiny and garters are prevalent.  Okay, back to a deeper message.  The gals get more violent and further away from innocence with each killing. 

Biting reality from a story ripped right out of the headlines, this film captures a story that demanded to be told.  Will there be a catfight between the vicious nuns?  Will there be a shower scene that includes these ladies?  Will there be one of those nuns undercover in a strip joint scene?  With an almost identical plot to the Anthony Hopkins movie "Shadowlands," "Bikini Nuns" has more cheese and prurience.  After all, who do you want to see in a movie, Chrissie Wunna or Debra Winger?