Wednesday, May 29, 2024

Splinter, Icky Porcupine Parasite Things

Jill Wagner.  What a babe.  Even more important, we liked her.  Almost 20 years ago car commercials still had babes doing commercials for them.  Jill Wagner did some for Mercury.  Kate Walsh did some for Cadillac.  They were babes.  We wanted to see them. As the Post-Modern Era has taken hold in America, beautiful women we loved seeing seemed to have been outlawed in media.  Now we have beasts and deviants.  Sure, Brie Larson does Nissan ads today, but we don't like her.  Ms. Wagner was very likable. So, even though Jill Wagner's appeal has been censored by Post-Modern tyrants and their media, we can still see her movies.  Today we look at 2008's "Splinter," directed by Toby Wilkins.  Perhaps if Ms. Wagner gets piercings, stupid tattoos, shaves her head, and adopts left-wing causes she'll get more gigs.

Polly (Wagner), an outdoor-type babe takes her dweeb boyfriend Seth (Paulo Costanzo) camping. He is such a dork and she is such a babe.  Still, she desires pre-marital sex with him under the stars. Uh-oh, escaped killer Dennis (Shea Whingham) and his strung out girlfriend Lacey (Rachel Kerbs) are on the run and need a car.  They come across our cute lovebirds, pummel Polly, and carjack them.  Uh-oh, they run over a porcupine-type parasite that used to be a puppy.  The car is disabled and the monstrous splinter thing chases them to a gas station.  Lacey does not quite make it as she is attacked by the gas station attendant (Charles Baker), who is now a splinter thing.  Now Lacey is too.  Dennis, Seth, and Polly now lock themselves inside as the two porcupine creatures desperately try to get in.

Though scared, Polly looks great with her shorts and halter top.  Dennis is thinking the same thing we are...what is she doing with Seth, the dweeb? Well, Seth is a genius.  Chicks dig that!  Okay, so this is not true...these are the movies.  Uh oh again, Seth has been infected as he was stuck in the finger with a splinter monster's needle.  He is unsuccessfully fighting off infection.  The cops are on their way.  Don't get your hopes up...the policewoman will be decimated horribly by the creature. Now the splinter things ramp up their efforts to get in.  As Dennis slowly succumbs to the infection, Seth comes up with an idea.  Not a good one...but it's something.  The gore will be intense.  What happens to Lacey, the policewoman, and the gas station guy will blow your mind.

Will Seth be able to protect the purity (okay, the word 'purity' is a stretch, I admit) of Polly as the splinter things converge? Will the sultry Polly have occasion to grab a sawed-off shotgun or a flamethrower?  Will babes ever return to favor with left-wing Hollywood and media, or are we going to be stuck with grouches like Brie Larson every time we see an automobile or beer commercial? Flush the Post-Modern Era down the toilet and bring back the Jill Wagners of the world!  See "Splinter," a horror film released just prior to the scourge of Post-Modernism.     

  

Monday, May 27, 2024

Dark Windows, Slasher or Ghost?

From Norway we have another one that won't get much love. No humor. Dark. Sure to depress. Unlikable characters. But...I gotta say...the last 20 minutes is incredibly worthwhile.  Any confusion as to what happened during the first hour of the film will disappear as the last act flashes on the silver screen. Either way this ending goes...it will be a downer.  Still...there are some babes in the film that we hope survive, but in Norway...babes always die horribly.  Actually, I just made that up...but it sounded good.  Today we look at 2023's "Dark Windows," directed by Alex Herron.

Ali (Grace Binford Sheene) dies in a car accident.  Her three buddies survive.  At the funeral reception, Tilly (Anna Bullard) is treated like a criminal.  She was driving the car when it ran into a tree.  Her buddies Monica (Annie Hamilton) and Peter (Rory Alexander) are also there and support Tilly. Sadly, Ali's family is very hostile and not coping well.  The action line is Tilly drove the car into a tree and Ali died.  Of course, flashbacks suggest something different. Ridden with guilt, Tilly is now on psyche-meds. Monica brings Peter and Tilly to an old family mansion in the woods to get out of Dodge.  Tilly is not able to move on and Monica is eager to move on. Peter reverts to being an alcoholic. Then the fun starts. Voices...Ali's voice. A weird shrine to Ali keeps appearing. Then even weirder stuff.

Even worse, Monica is making moves on Ali's old boyfriend.  Then the haunting, or mayhem ramp up. Ghostly voices beckon Tilly.  Horrible reminders of the deadly crash.  Peter hits the bottle more.  What really happened the night of the fatal crash is revealed.  The original action line does not hold up.  Then the intruder.  He's mean and unrelenting.  The film will dive into almost torture porn.  Suspects?  Everyone, to include family members, one of these three teens, Ali's old boyfriend, or is it some delusional trip brought on by recently prescribed psyche-meds?  All will be revealed in bloody and sadistic fashion.

What did happen the night of the crash?  Is Ali back from the dead?  Are all Norwegians harboring dark and deadly secrets?  A light horror film and a vicious reveal. In a film that captures the true ethos of Norway, and the reason why Swedes have nothing to do with their grouchy neighbors, "Dark Windows" is one that may make you think long after the end credits about mourning, death, and revenge. 

Saturday, May 25, 2024

Alice in Terrorland, Rula Lenska as The Red Queen

Rula Lenska!  The Alberto VO-5 babe from the 1970s!  Remember her gravelly voice when she extolled, "I'm Rula Lenska!"  The proclamation left no doubt that she was indeed Rula Lenska...and you were not. Also in the 1970s this icon did her magnum opus, "Queen Kong." Who ever thought she'd be in a 2023 horror film that scored a 2.3/10 rating on IMDB?  Looking and sounding much like Robert Morley, she turns in a less dramatic performance than her portrayal of a feminist explorer in the aforementioned gorilla classic. Today we look at "Alice in Terrorland," directed by Richard John Taylor.

Alice (Lizzy Willis), a nubile teen survives a house fire that kills her parents. After great effort, social services finds her "grandmother." Now Alice is sent to live with Beth (Lenska), her grandmother at a mansion called...Wonderland. The dark dreary place holds family secrets. You will figure out the big ones, like the redheaded grandmother is actually The Red Queen. Beth poisons Alice's tea to make her sick and hallucinatory.  As Beth reads her Alice in Wonderland, Alice nods off and goes on psychedelic trips in which she meets the characters in the Lewis Carroll classic. First, she'll meet the rabbit (Steve Wraith).  By the way, all the characters she meets are either serial killers, torturers, or perverts. It should be noted that many critics believe Lewis Carroll was of that ilk.

As Beth keeps feeding Alice poisoned tea, the characters she meets get more hideous.  She'll meet the walrus (Rikki Kimpton) who abducts children and puts them through a meat grinder before eating them. Eventually Alice gets enough clues about The Red Queen to realize her grandmother is her. Now, trying to put clues together from malicious characters who seek to disembowel and murder her, Alice must mount a strategy to fend off the Red Queen and emerge from Wonderland whole and with sanity.

Will Alice escape the clutches of The Red Queen? Hey, wasn't this the plot of "Resident Evil," too? Will Rula Lenska's friends from America still visit her in the crumbling old mansion? Just how loyal is this film to the real persona of Lewis Carroll? Take a ride into 1970s nostalgia and meet up with the Alberto VO-5 babe, Rula Lenska, and see "Alice in Terrorland."      

Thursday, May 23, 2024

Back Road, Disgusting to the Max!

What do you get when you cross "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" with "A Serbian Film"?  Right!  You get 2021's "Back Road" directed by Andrew Pizzo. In the two aforementioned horror films, experienced horror fans realized that much of the gore and scares were from scenes that were highly suggestive. When Franklin was chainsawed in the wheelchair, or when the doctor delivered the baby...there was no blood...or no rape on camera. In our film today...nothing is suggested.  Hence halfway through this cabin in the woods story, what happens to the pretty Leslie (Amanda Livezey)...it is all captured.  In fact, it may be the most disgusting scene ever put on film.  Unlike the two aforementioned films, Mr. Pizzo's film is indeed a morality tale.

So what happened to Leslie the slut halfway into this film. No spoilers here...see for yourself.  The nubile Madeline (Rachel Keefe) is taking her sometimes lover and sultry best friend Zoe (Megan McGullam) to a remote cabin in the woods.  Unbeknownst to Madeline, Zoe has invited her former boyfriend Fox (Erik Searle), Fox's new GF Leslie, and the hunk Dwayne (Jason Maga).  Fox will bring a lot of cocaine for the group. Madeline is not happy about Fox but is hot on Dwayne and seeks pre-marital sex with the hunk. Zoe probably seeks pre-marital; sex with everyone in the group, and also to sniff a lot of "blow." Uh oh, the great looking quintet runs over a little boy on a back road in some hillbilly haven. Thinking no one saw them, they do away with the body and continue to the cabin. 


Once at the cabin, the friends bicker.  They are guilt-ridden because of their killing of a little boy. There will be no time for grief.  Leslie, disgusted by the behavior of Fox and friends, runs away. She'll be immediately captured by half-wit hillbillies and...well, you won't believe what they do to her.  Now the hillbillies led by the sadistic father of the dead boy, Charlie (Bryan DeSanto), hunt the hunks and babes.  Oh, what they have planned for the babes is so wrong...it will make you squirm.  The beautiful will suffer unimaginably and the hunks will be useless.  What unfolds will be very reminiscent of the Tobe Hooper plot in the 1974 classic, although this last half of the film will have the brutal judgment of vengeance and revenge forming a twisted and bloody morality message.

Will the clean-cut Madeline have what it takes to be a final girl in this film?  Just what does happen to Leslie and will she be so fortunate as to be given a quick death by Mr. Pizzo?  Did I even mention the skanks in the tent doing a threesome with a camper before biting his John Thomas off?  I guess I forgot to mention that scene.  If you are at all curious, see "Back Road."   

Tuesday, May 21, 2024

King of the Lost World, King Kong in the Amazon

Stunning stewardess Gloria (Eliza Swenson) is having a bad day. Her plane crashed in the Amazon and she's stuck in a tree.  The sultry air hostess screams for help and King Kong wanders over and eats her.  So sad. Alas, this is the epic story that inspired "King Kong" and "Jurassic Park," given to us by the Syfy Channel and The Asylum. Stewardess-sploitation, monsters, cheese and beef galore, and a nuke. Today we look at 2004's "King of the Lost World," directed by Leigh Scott.

The airplane crashes in the Amazon and a bunch of survivors are on the beach.  These include hot stewardesses and other babes and hunks. Ed (Jeff Denton) and John (Rhett Giles) emerge as leaders. The duo and other survivors figure on trekking into the jungle to look for the rest of the airplane, activate the radio, and call for help. Pretty waitress Dana (Christine Rosenberg) and babe photographer Rita (Sarah Lieving) will join them with stewardess Natalie (Amanda Ward). Also joining them is a government spook, Challenger (Bruce Boxleitner). They'll find a lot of airplanes.  Apparently hundreds of airplanes have wrecked in this section of the jungle.  On their way to their own plane, the survivor team will be attacked by giant spiders, man-eating plants, and weird natives. 

Ed will take sole lead of the group when John is killed by a giant scorpion...happens. Now Dana gets real sweet on Ed. Wait!  Our spook friend seems to know something. Then the weird natives capture our survivors, strip the women, feel them up, and grope them. Ed is prepped to be sacrificed to bird monsters. Steve Railsback enters the plot as a lunatic. Then we meet the chief's (Chris Anglin) harem, all sultry stewardesses from crashed flights. The other stewardesses, now tribeswomen, grope and lick Dana and force her and Natalie to become part of the harem.  Remember King Kong?  He's back.  Now King Kong and the bird monsters prep for an attack.  

Can Dana, now a harem wife, save her new boyfriend, Ed?  What is the secret Challenger knows?  Did the weird natives make a big mistake offering a sacrifice to the bird monsters instead of King Kong?  This might be one of the finest films ever made.  The cheese and beef factor are high and so is the ickiness of many of the monsters.  Then of course, King Kong is in this film. For pure fun, gratuitous monster and sweaty babe in the jungle action, see "King of the Lost World."  

Sunday, May 19, 2024

The House on Tombstone Hill, Psycho Old Lady

Today we look at a Troma offering. Sure, a psycho old lady may not pack the wallop of a Freddie or a Jason, but we have one even bloodier than any Freddie film or Jason film.  Guts will pour out. Limbs will be severed. Faces will be slashed. Torsos will be cut in half. Hunks and babes will be impaled or done in with the blade of a circular saw.  Oh yes...blood will spatter, just like in those Japanese horror films. Today we look at 1989's "The House on Tombstone Hill" (on TubiTV as "Dead Dudes in the House"), directed by James Riffel.

College aged hunks and babes converge on an old mansion way out in the wilderness. The place has long since been abandoned ever since the crazy old lady there axed some schmuck. Mark (Douglas Griffin) has bought the place to restore it.  His nubile GF Jamie (Sarah Newhouse) is very supportive, though his buddies are crude and determined to drink beer. Uh oh, one of the hunks destroys a gravestone in the front yard bringing back the old lady and her axe.  They'll meet her soon. They enter the house and are intimidated by all the work that must be done. Mark will meet the old lady first and be slashed by her...he dies...but comes back in the form of a smart-ass homicidal zombie. One by one, either Mark or the old lady kills the hunks and babes.  Each corpse comes back as one of these malicious ghouls.  Even if they have been cut in half or had a limb severed, the things put themselves back together and stalk the living.

Bob (Victor Verhaeghe), the crudest of the hunks, emerges as leader of the group.  He crafts a circular saw blade weapon which will quickly be commandeered by the undead.  The old lady and her new minions goes through these hunks and babes like crap through a goose.  Ron (Mark Zobian) grabs a golf club and uses it nicely...though killing something that is already dead will prove challenging.  When the numbers of the hunks and babes diminish, two kids with nothing to do with anything  decide to sneak into the house.  This will be a veritable gore-fest.

Not for the weakest of stomachs, but this 1980s horror film maximizes the gore and blood.  Just who is this old lady and what does she want?  Will any of the babes in this film stand-out in such a way that they may earn the title of "Final Girl"?  Is the fact that none of the characters are likable an indication that no one will survive?  Bloody and vicious, see "The House on Tombstone Hill" if you can take the extreme gore.

Friday, May 17, 2024

Arena Wars, The Longest Yard on Steroids

I should say, the Burt Reynolds one from the 70s, not the remake. Saying that we have a wild one from Michael and Sonny Mahal. Gratuitous violence, gore, death row Hijinx, and governmental corruption spin a tale of what our country (and maybe western civilization, in general) is devolving into. Greed, immorality, and narcissism has infested our institutions that were once the hallmark of what America is.  Celebrity and fame (add in social media) has replaced virtue, love, and kindness.  Mercy is out the window and replaced by a psychopathic ethos.  Today we look at the prison horror film "Arena Wars," directed by Brandon Slagle. This movie will be available on June 26.

In the year 2045 a streaming spectacular called Arena Wars pits a team of death row inmates against the the psycho-ist of the psycho-ist. A team of seven juiced and altered murderers (whose crimes include bombing Yankee Stadium, cannibalism, murdering the U.N., etc.) are undefeated. If the death row inmates overcome these devils, they would have earned their freedom.  This never happens as the death row teams are usually shredded. Uh oh...the show may be hitting a ratings lag. Enter a U.S. Marine serving a 200 year sentence, Luke (John Wells). You'll see, but he represents a nifty plot device for the show sure to boost ratings.  He'll be matched with a bunch of other death row inmates. Early on the CEO (Kevin Hager) of the corporation responsible for Arena Wars emerges. He is a slimy sort with his own motivations.

Sadly, when the movie opened, Perez (Robert LaSardo) and his team put up a good fight but were shredded in the third round. Perez was a bad-ass...so why think Luke can do any better?  You'll see. Luke and his compatriots go into the arena with only their fists as the team of killers has blades, chainsaws, machetes, knives, and baseball bats infused with spikes. Calling the action are our two favorite ring announcers played by Michael Madsen and Robert Donovan. Blood will splatter, insides will be cut out, and inmates will die horribly.  But wait!  Luke has some added motivation to prevail...and our CEO buddy has a vested interest in assuring this won't happen.  Social commentary, will be presented as a mirror we can all look into as we ask ourselves if we are enabling the dystopian setting of "Arena Wars" to become tomorrow's reality in America.

While the Burt Reynolds film from 1974 is a statement of possible exploitation and corruption of a specific societal institution, this film is wider in scope and encompasses our entire culture and where it is going.  Why is there a vested interest from the big media corporation for Luke to die horribly?  Can this marine inspire his team to overcome unbeatable odds?  So who exactly is Luke and why is he so special?  The Mahal brothers have given us another gratuitous, bloody, and very entertaining film.  Every actor and actress brilliantly presents an absolutely psycho and dangerous persona for us the audience. Fast paced and with plenty of graphic violence, "Arena Wars" will put manhood back into all you guys who are forced to watch Hallmark movies with your spouses.