Friday, January 15, 2021

Bigfoot vs. the Illuminati, The Foot Saves Mankind

Okay...so a sultry space princess wants Van Helsing (Marco Guzman) to return to her ship. Faced with saving mankind, why would you figure she wants Van Helsing back. Here's the quote, "Return to headquarters, I want to f*** your brains out!" He returns and she...well, you'll see. Throw in Dr. Jekyll and cult fruit-loop leader Aleister Crowley, lizard aliens, and of course...Bigfoot! Yep 2020's "Bigfoot vs the Illuminati," directed by BC Fourteen (don't ask).

Two thousand years into the future, AI robots have drained Earth of all our natural resources. About 3,000 are all that's left and the Earth's air is now poison. Off to space they go, led by Princess Kali (Ashley Tod)…a babe. She leads an alliance of surviving humans but her allies are fast being killed off by Archons. The Archons are reptilian fiends led by Rothschild (Robert Forth). Determined to save humanity, Kali summons a Van Helsing clone, known as VH. VH and Kali will play heavy on the sexual tension and will engage in passionate pre-marital sex. Dr. Jekyll (Edson Camacho) works in Kali's laboratory trying to invent weapons to defeat the lizard people. 

VH has an idea. An old friend, Bigfoot (also played by Guzman) is summoned to help fight the Archons. Meanwhile, Rothschild resurrects Aleister Crowley (Wes Bruff), the ancient alchemist, to assist in wiping out humanity. As more of Kali's allies are blown to bits, her sexual needs increase. Now Bigfoot is all in in defeating the lizard people. Great space battles will ensue, a visit to Area 51 will also occur, and Bigfoot will talk jive to lizard people and allies alike. Make sense? Makes more sense than "Jupiter Ascending" or "The Last Airbender." 

Did I mention this is, I guess you could say, an animated film. Perhaps American Anime, if you must. The plot is ambitious and makes more sense if you just watch the movie. After f***ing VH's brains out, will Princess Kali reward Bigfoot the same way? If the lizard fiends get a hold of Kali, will they expect her to f*** their brains out too? Does a loony alchemist really have a shot against Bigfoot? This 76 minute animated film has terrific scenes of spaceships and alien galaxies. Perhaps just as realistic as "Battlestar Gallactica" except with more sexual tension and...Bigfoot! Enjoy "Bigfoot vs. the Illuminati."

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Amityville Toybox, Exploiting a Faux Haunting

 Before you read on, do yourself a favor and listen to this episode of Harrison Smith's Cynema podcast (click this link to listen on YouTube Cynema Ep. 77 ).Today, another Amityville film. As decades pass and the credibility of Ed and Lorraine Warren diminishes, a most horrifying crime of the 1970s seems to have eternal life as a horror exploitation vehicle. One may wonder if 2016's "Amityville Toybox" was needed. Of course, was "Jupiter Ascending" needed? Was "The Last Airbender" needed? All is fair even if we get muddy when watching. Or is it?

Mark (Mark Popejoy) is turning 50. He has a nice house in rural New York and his family is coming for the week-end to celebrate. Mark is a tortured soul. A former alcoholic, he is guilt ridden for the death of his wife. He was driving drunk during the accident that killed her. He lives with his mom (Jeanne Kern). Mom is senile and thinks her long dead husband is about to return home. Also living with him is his pregnant daughter (Britany Dailey). No spoilers here...you see this coming a mile away...they'll both be shotgunned  to death. Okay...the family arrives...none are likable. In fact all they want to do is screw and drink...a parable of modern America? Time to open gifts...Mark gets an antique toy. The proverbial spooky monkey that bangs cymbals together. Of course, these monkeys are always cursed.

The monkey is indeed cursed and releases the spirit of whatever possessed the DeFeo guy in Amityville. You remember, he murdered his whole family. Now the spirit is in Mark and he has an axe and a rifle. He begins his work and methodically goes about massacring the helpless sons, daughters, aunts, etc. Julia (Julia Farrell) is a daughter who has some fight in her. She man's up but is there any escape for the evil that has grown out of the Amityville house? 

Is Mark too far gone to spare the remnants of his family? Even not being cursed, are there any redeeming qualities to those annoying and ugly monkeys that clang cymbals together? Is it time for Amityville to become unincorporated and allow the Suffolk County government to take over? Heartbreaking and exploitive, "Amityville Toybox" is brutal and low-budget. For those who pride themselves in seeing all the 'Amityville' films, here is another one.


Monday, January 11, 2021

Primitives, Cannibals and Great Looking College Students

Let us take "Slave of the Cannibal God" and mix it with "Jungle Holocaust" and set it in Indonesia...what do we have? Today's film! 1980's "Primitives," directed by Sisworo Gautama Putra. Yep...we have primitive cannibals disemboweling lizards, monkeys, snakes, and alligators. Yes...animals were harmed in the making of this film. Filmed in the Indonesian jungle and maybe with the cooperation of real natives, get ready for some gore and the exploitation of native peoples. More importantly, will a fabulous Indonesian lady get the same treatment as Ursula Andress did in "Slave of the Cannibal God"?

Three college students; The nubile Rita (Enny Haryono), the hunk Robert (Barry Prima), and nerd Tommy (Johann Mardjono) hire Bisma (Rukman Herman) a guide to take them into the jungle to meet savages. Bisma does just this. They find a friendly tribe that dances a lot and eats yucky things. Not satisfied...not all natives are interesting...the trio bribe Bisma to take them deeper into the jungle. Bad idea! Bisma does and the expedition meets disaster. After their river raft is destroyed on rapids, Bisma and Tommy get separated from the nubile Rita and hunk Robert. Rita and Robert are captured soon after by a cannibalistic tribe.

Both captives are stripped and humiliated. Robert will be pissed on and Rita will be assaulted by a cannibal tally-whacker. Monkeys will be slain for food and cannibal woman will paw Rita. A lot of grunting and eating disgusting things will occur and Rita will even puke. Stripped of most of her clothes, Robert figures he better act fast. Finally Bisma and Tommy get out of the river and their fate will be determined by hungry gators...so sad. Now Robert hatches an escape plan but he'll have to elude cannibals, quicksand, and snakes. The nubile Rita looks great running through the jungle and if they survive, perhaps Robert will get to enjoy some frolicking with her.

Will the cannibals allow the nubile Rita and hunk Robert to escape their clutches? What will be the ultimate fate of Tommy and Bisma be after the gators get through with them? Are the primitive cannibals any different than the university students and professors Rita and Robert seek to return to? Cannibal movie fans will love this Indonesian entry into the sub-genre of horror/exploitation/cannibal films. For some cheesy acting and action with extreme gore, see "Primitives." 

Saturday, January 9, 2021

Amityville Island, Death Row and Demon Possession

You demanded it and they listened. Polonia Brothers Entertainment has come through again. This time with 2020's hybrid of "Sharkenstein" and "Amityville Exorcism." Today we will look at the Mark Polonia and Paul Alan Steele directed "Amityville Island." No 'slow burns' here...just horror thrown at you faster than you're used to.  So for those of you who love movies made to be loved and not studied at NYU Film School, this is one for you.

Kelly Jo (Jamie Morgan) moves her family to Amityville and buys some cursed items at a rummage sale. They'll possess her and our beset mom will murder her four children and end up on death row. She'll meet Renata (Danielle Donahue), another death row inmate. Renata murdered dozens of frat boys. An evil warden runs a death row fight club and these two evil beauties are pitted against each other. There it becomes apparent that Kelly Jo remains possessed by Amityville demons. The two babes are sent to a mysterious island where they will be human experimentation subjects. There, Dr. Ormond (Jeff Kirkendall) and Dr. Tyler (James Carolus) are seeking to build the perfect battlefield soldier with Nano-technology.

Now Renata and a possessed Kelly Jo are at the mercy of the two mad scientists (actually, aren't we all at the mercy of the mad scientists of "Big Pharma"). Uh oh...mysterious zombies prowl the island and Kelly Jo's demons end up possessing sharks off shore and computer technology. Now a bloody fate awaits more than just our sultry test subjects. As the two mad scientists inject the pair with a mysterious drug, the Amityville demons seek more bloodshed. Now everyone and every animal on the island is subject to the Amityville wrath.

Do the evil experiments or the Amityville demons hold a bloodier fate for our two doomed heroines? Are Dr. Ormond and Dr. Tyler mere accurate metaphors for the mad scientists who purport to have vaccines for us? Just who are these zombies and what role will they have in this possession story? The Polonia Brothers never fail to give us films we want to see. For a great time, find "Amityville Island" for your Friday night horror watch party.

Thursday, January 7, 2021

Animal Among Us, Bigfoot Attacks...or Does He?

We love Bigfoot films! Hey...we love Bigfoot! Is he a vicious carnivore seeking to shred nubile and hunk hikers in the American forests? Or is he a misunderstood mammal seeking privacy and d├ętente with an increasingly technological and cold society? Or maybe...and I know, perish the thought...is he a myth? The monster in the wilderness may not be the enigma that is Bigfoot, but rather...well, you'll see. This brings us to our feature today, 2019's "Animal Among Us," directed by John Woodruff.

Many years ago two nubile hikers were killed by an apparent wild animal at the Merrymaker Campgrounds. What killed the beauties was never determined for sure. Enter author Roland Baumgarner (Christian Oliver). Roland wrote a best-selling novel about those murders, depicting the attacker as a Bigfoot monster. The tragedy shut down the camp. Modern day, the Merrymaker Campgrounds are still owned by the same family and the now adult daughters are opening it up again. The two sultry sisters are Anita (Larisa Oleynik) and Poppy (Christine Donlon). Oh yes, they're brutish stepdad is also back, Burl (Don Frye). Roland answers a mysterious invitation to appear at the grand re-opening. He shows up just in time to see two Bigfoot bloggers attacked and shredded.

Roland is scared, but Poppy seduces him...she is quite the babe! Now Roland wants to find out if what killed the two gals many years ago is still prowling around. Our beautiful sisters seem to know more than they are letting on and they have a weird relationship with their stepdad. Roland is getting nowhere and both sisters claim there is no monster. Indications are the sisters and the stepdad are up to something and Roland is slow on the uptake. Now something is on the prowl and the sisters and Roland seem to be in danger of being hunted and shredded...but from what? Whatever killed those two gals many years ago is now looking to kill more humans...or is something else seeking to do those additional killings? Beware, even the sultry Poppy will come face to face with a horrific surprise.

Is Bigfoot really the culprit at Merrymaker Campgrounds? Will Poppy's seduction techniques, so successful with Roland, be able to protect her from a Bigfoot attack? Just what is Burl's actual relationship with his stepdaughters? Experienced horror addicts may figure out the twists and surprises. Nevertheless, the two sisters are quite lovely and this is a unique take on the Bigfoot story. For some quirky fun, see "Animal Among Us."

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

Wreck, Monsters and Thugs

It is not easy being an ex-stripper...er, sorry...ex-exotic dancer. You try to go straight. Maybe enroll in law or medical school. Perhaps you write the great American novel. Or maybe you make a killing selling Amway or Herbalife.  Still, preparing for the future as one plies their trade on a stage or adjacent pole is a wise move. A smart move is to go into a legitimate trade. Today's film is a warning to do just that, 2020's "Wreck," directed by Ben Patterson.

Sandy (Gemma Harlow Dean) is a former exotic dancer. She needs more money and resorts to becoming a "bag-man" for some heavy scores. Now partnered up with fellow mobster, Jimmy (Ryan Gilks), the two are tasked to deliver a package. What is in the package? Doesn't matter. The briefcase will be handcuffed to Sandy's wrist. The duo will be ordered to stay off the radio and their phones. Uh oh...some really bad men with hacksaws want the case. By the way, in case I failed to mention this, a big furry monster is eating some locals in rural England. Guess what? Sandy and Jimmy are tasked to drive through rural England to reach their delivery point. Something runs in front of their car forcing our duo off the road and overturning them.

Bad news...Jimmy's skull is cracked open and Sandy is pinned to the ground by their overturned BMW. More bad news...the goons with the hacksaw want the briefcase handcuffed to Sandy and are on their way. It gets worse...the BMW is now well off the road and a big hairy monster (Charles Clarke-Devonald) is on the prowl. Sandy is in a bad predicament and when something drags away Jimmy's corpse away and eats it, she realizes just how bad. There is some good news! Every time the monster wanders over to Sandy, they are interrupted. Hikers and goons are aplenty in Sandy's plight and the monster loves ripping them to shreds. A gal, when given a lot of time to think, can become quite resourceful. Now Sandy has developed a strategy...not a good one...but one she can understand. Escape and kill the monster are her goals and it is not looking good.

Will Sandy pry herself loose from the BMW and escape the carnage of the hairy beast? Is there some parable that can be derived from this film that will speak intimately to all those exotic dancers out there who desire to enroll in medical school? The creature f/x are so cheesy that you will cheer when the thing makes an appearance. For some neat British horror with over-the-top cheesiness, see "Wreck."

Sunday, January 3, 2021

The Devil's Hand, Romance and a Satanic Cult

Let us say you are a milquetoast loser. You believe there is no means of employment good enough for you. Even worse, you are kind of engaged to a frumpy spinster to be. Is there any hope? Sure! As long as Satanic cults prowl the landscape, there is always hope. Remember, though! Hope is merely delayed disappointment, and if you are a loser...you probably will always be one. Hence 1961's "The Devil's Hand" directed by William J. Hole, Jr.

Rick (Robert Alda) is the aforementioned loser. His girlfriend, Donna (Ariadne Welter) criticizes him a lot but she is probably the best he'll ever end up with. Then a vixen beckons him in his dreams and Rick is summoned to a mysterious doll shop. The shop is owned by Francis (Neil Hamilton)...who just happens to run a Satanic cult in the shop's backroom. Remember that beckoning vixen? She is Bianca Milan (Linda Christian). She's a vision of extreme beauty and allure and begins to romance Rick. Francis uses a voodoo doll of Donna to get her out of the picture. Now Donna is confined to a hospital as there is a pin shoved through her heart.

The cult sings praises to the evil deity Gamba. They chant and sit on the floor a lot. More importantly, Bianca and Rick get quite close. Rick turns into a success at work as Donna wastes away in the cardiac unit. Rick seems to be a loyal member of the cult except he still has feelings for Donna. Francis is not happy about this and neither is Bianca. Bianca's ego just won't accept that Rick may choose a frumpy spinster over her. Now Donna is in more danger and we begin to see the homicidal nature of Gamba and the cult.

Does the spinster Donna have any shot at Rick now that a Satanic goddess has set her sights on him? If Gamba was so great and powerful why doesn't he do something worthwhile instead of making his devotees sit on the floor and chant? Linda Christian and her allure is the highlight of this film and we wonder why she is plying the wares of a third rate cult instead of some super cult seeking world domination. For a good Saturday afternoon 'Creature Feature' type of entertainment, see "The Devil's Hand."