Archons, The Last Days of a Rock Band

When a Rock band is in its final days, it isn't pretty.  The chemistry of the group vanishes and lead guitarists begin looking elsewhere for their future. The story is a familiar one.  Throw in some acid, pre-marital sex, a canoe trip into the British Columbia wilderness...and creatures!  Today we look at 2018's "Archons," written and directed by Nick Szostakiwskyj.

Sled Dog is on their last legs.  No hits in five years! Drummer Olivia (Samantha Carly) desires the band to stay intact and arranges a getaway for them. Now lead singer Mitchell (Josh Collins), Olivia, and guitarist Eric (Rob Raco) are paddling on a BC river.  Mitchell needs pre-marital sex and finds three nubile bikini babes on the shore. To the annoyance of his mates, he seduces the nubile blonde April (Parmiss Sehat) and she will join them.  Now the trio is a quartet paddling up a river.  Eric has acid (or something else) and the group begins taking it.  Now everything looks so pretty.  Mitchell and his mates will tire of the shallow April...no big deal as her head will soon explode.

Okay...the acid is having a weird effect. Now Eric and Mitchell start seeing creatures following them.  Mitchell is certain something exploded out of April's head before she died.  Olivia wants them all to remain focused...yeah, fat chance.  Now the creatures get closer and seem like they are hunting Sled Dog. Sled Dog comes across other campsites which are in shambles and campers mutilated. Eric has a surprise for the group regarding the acid he's supplying them.  The monsters get more aggressive and now it seems they will suffer the same fate as April...but what exactly was her fate?

Did something really explode out of April's head?  Will Olivia and April engage in a catfight over Mitchell?  Are the creatures real or a product of Eric's acid?  Look at this one as a kind of "Southern Comfort" meets "Eddie and the Cruisers." Okay, maybe not.  Still...the creatures are cool and the cast is great looking.  For an interesting horror film set in the BC wilderness, see "Archons." 

Bering Sea Beast, Sharknado Babe in Alaska

Cassandra Scerbo, the Syfy babe, who is famous for "Sharknado" is a lovely and talented actress that makes films we want to see.  What better plot device is a babe in danger from slimy sea creatures that look like a cross between stingrays and Nosferatu?  Okay, so this Bering Sea epic may have been filmed in Louisiana...but Ms. Scerbo is a lot more pleasurable to look at than Sig Hansen. Oh yes, we also have to say the sea vampires are a lot funner to look at than Alaskan King Crab. Today we look at 2013's "Bering Sea Beast" (on Tubi TV as "Beast of the Bering Sea"), directed by Don E. FountLeroy. 

The Hunter family are gold dredgers on the Bering Sea. Glenn (Kevin Dobson) is the dad, Donna (Scerbo) is the sultry but tough daughter, and Joe (Jonathan Lipnicki) is the hot-headed son. Joining them is an old family friend, Owen (Brandon Beamer). During a dredge one of Glen's hired divers is draine dof his blood by a creature on the seabed.  Now a slew of sea vampires is on the loose as their territory has been disturbed.  These things look like slimy black stingrays with big fangs...and the fly.  Dredgers are having their blood sucked out and the things attack on land, too. Beautiful marine biologist, Megan (Jaqueline Fleming) has been searching for these monsters for years and she joins the Hunters after one of the monsters explodes out of Glenn's chest...so sad.

Now the feisty Donna puts her sights on fighting these things. Owen and Joe are game. They have more to fear than the creatures.  Evil dredger, Thorne (Lawrence Turner), moving in on tragedy tries to buy out Donna and Joe.  Donna refuses.  The monsters continue their attacks and drain dredgers and the occasional marine biologist of bodily fluids.  Now Donna is fuming and her and Owen come up with an ambitious and unlikely plan to annihilate the toothy sea creatures.  Uh oh...Thorne moves in and offers a deal the Hunters cannot refuse...but the monsters can.

Will Owen be able to capitalize on tragedy and horror and be able to engage in pre-marital sex with the "Sharknado" babe? Will Megan the scientist attempt to try to communicate with this newly discovered species?  Will Donna and Joe have an opportunity to feed Thorne to the stingray things?  This is a good one and makes you proud to be a Syfy viewer.  For a great Friday night creature feature, watch "Bering Sea Beast."    

    

She Creature, Mermaid Shreds Men

Unicorns and mermaids...yawn.  Okay, not many have done much with unicorns, at least in horror. Mermaids, however, have been introduced in plots in these scary movies.  I prefer them to clowns. This is what we will be tackling today.  Add in the sultry Carla Gugino as a babe in peril with a special relationship with the sultry mermaid and we have a winner. Today we will look at 2001's "She Creature," directed by Sebastian Guitierrez.  Oh, by the way, Stan Winston is one of the producers!

In 1905 a carnival in Ireland is closing and getting ready to sail to New York. Angus leads it and has a neat act that entails a west Indian zombie (Reno Wilson) busting loose and getting ready to murder the audience. A siren sings from the next tent over...it is a mermaid. Her sweet voice calms the murderous west Indian fiend. In reality, Angus' GF Lily (Gugino) dresses as a mermaid and the crowd eats it up. Through a weird set of events, an eccentric guy in a mansion shows Angus and Lily what he has locked in his dungeon...a caged aquarium containing a sultry mermaid (Rya Kilstedt). She's nude and doesn't speak English. Uh oh...she seems to develop a psychic connection with Lily. Through violence, Angus and Bailey steal the mermaid and bring it on the ship with them to America.  Lily doesn't know Angus and Bailey accidentally killed the old man in their quest to abscond with the sea creature.

Okay, the mermaid gets into Lily's head...but why?  You'll see.  When a crewmember of the vessel threatens Lily with rape, the mermaid manages to get loose and eat him. Now Lily is drawn to the sultry and naked mermaid.  She wants to help it.  She has also uncovered its mysteries. As the mermaid outsmarts its guards and gets loose some more, more sailors are ripped apart.  It also enters Lily's mind as she is having steamy pre-marital sex with Angus.  Lily then discovers why she has nothing to fear from the mermaid...and it is horrific.

Will this mermaid make it to New York?  Will the crew endure the same fate as the crew of the Demeter suffered? What does the mermaid have planned for the lovely Lily?  This is a good one. However predictable, both Carla Gugino and Rya Kihlstedt are sultry.  For a good old fashioned plot, and some nice gore and cheese, see "She Creature."

11th Hour Cleaning, Trapped in a Messy Haunted House

A mess!  When haunted houses are messy it can get really yucky. Of course, we're not talking about dust, Lego pieces on the floor, or potato chip crumbs between the seat cushions.  Nope...we're talking bits of brains, blood spatter, and ancient pagan artifacts.  As with most haunted houses, something really bad happened in this one.  Hence a couple of babes and a couple of hunks are dispatched to clean it.  Today we look at 2022's "11th Hour Cleaning," directed by Ty Leisher.  Warning...this is a grim one that emphasizes horror over witty humor.

Stephen (Dave Baez) made a mess.  Using his shotgun, a la Ronald DeFeo, he murders his wife and children in their beds...then kills himself...or so that is how it appears to the police.  Quite the mess.  After the crime scene investigation, a cleaning company is contracted...11th Hour Cleaning.  See, this firm cleans yucky crime scenes.  11th Hour Cleaning is owned and run by Dylan (Edward Finlay). His wife, Rachel (Anita Leaman Torres), is also on the team. They are so cute...but their marriage has a secret...the kind of secret haunted houses know about.  Rounding out our team is loser Marcus (Ed Morrone) who is Rachel's brother and just released felon. Lastly, the sultry Hannah (Chloe Brooks) joins them...she and Marcus used to be an item until he did something awful to her...you'll see.

Soon after the team arrives, they begin scrubbing blood off the walls.  Then it gets weird...no scary. Team members begin seeing ghosts of the dead children...and Stephen's smart phone is found.  Oh no...Marcus sees what happened during the fateful night on Stephen's phone.  Now other bad stuff happens.  Apparently an ancient Scandinavian artifact was brought into the house by Stephen and it unleashed Norse demons,  Never good. It possesses people in the house and drives them to madness with fright.  One by one, everyone on the team is affected.  Soon horrible secrets are revealed and then the demons get really mean.  Warning...what happens will shock and violate certain taboos.

Will the team suffer the same fate as Stephen and his family?  Exactly what did Marcus do to Hannah when they were an item that was so horrible?  What secret contaminates the marriage of Rachel and Dylan?  The plot is brutal and Mr. Leisher has created a true horror film not interested in humor or irrelevant plot lines.  For a shocker, see "11th Hour Cleaning."

The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven, Carmen Electra, Catfights, and Milk

Classic!  Carmen Electra clad in a tight shiny silver bodysuit with shiny silver stiletto hooker boots.  Along comes the sultry Debra Xavier in a black leather dominatrix outfit with black stiletto hooker boots.  The two get in a catfight to the death!  This reminds me...does Miss Electra still date Dennis Rodman? Okay, dumb question.  Today we have a gratuitous film where Miss Electra will be nude a lot, have a lot of steamy pre-marital sex, and engage in an epic catfight.  Our film today is 1998's "The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven," directed by Lawrence Lanoff. 

Playboy Playmate Shauna Sand plays Emma.  She'll be chased, caught, stripped to her undies, and brutally murdered.  Uh oh...Emma was some sort of chosen one by the Indians, equipped to fight evil...now she's gone.  Along comes Emma's sultry sister, McKenna (Electra).  Home for the funeral the Indian tribe tells her she must be the new chosen one.  McKenna balks but Emma's ghost comes back and trash talks McKenna to agree.  McKenna is sweet on the sheriff, Henry (Dave Oliver). The two will have steamy sex in this film while McKenna pours cold milk all over them.  This looks a lot better on the silver screen than it may seem. The trouble is Henry's GF is the sultry Nora (Debra Xavier).  When Nora finds out Henry is busting nuts with McKenna...Nora goes to the dark side and aligns with meth-dealer Cole (Michael Stedvec).

Okay...McKenna is now The Raven with a task to fight evil.  She and Nora are murdered together and tossed in the same grave.  McKenna, being a half-deity, rises out of the grave.  Uh oh...Nora rises as the evil wolf deity, sworn to murder The Raven.  Nora will don dominatrix garb and McKenna will don the aforementioned bodysuit. Nora will murder...McKenna will save the innocent.  This will not continue too long. Soon, McKenna and Nora realize they must murder one another.  You'll see.  The ending is soooo great!  One may say it tops the catfight between Heather Locklear and Emma Samms in "Dynasty."

As McKenna dumps milk all over herself, and Henry licks it up, is there a chance Nora will intrude for a threesome?  Who will win the battle, The Raven or The Wolf?  Is this the definitive film that captures the ethos of Native Americans?  Gratuitous and satisfying, Carmen Electra's performance, and what she is willing to do on film, will make us all grateful.  For a prurient good time, see "The Chosen One: Legend of the Raven." 

Red Clover, Leprechaun Annihilates the Irish

How did I miss this one!  The kill count is intense.  When you see a character in this film you might have some interest in...well, don't get too interested in them.  When in doubt...shred them!  Gotta love moviemakers who adhere to that doctrine.  She's pretty...shred her!  He's a hunk...shred him!  They're Irish... shred them all! Cut them in half...eat them...gut them...pull their brains out...be unmerciful.  Too pretty to die...nonsense!  Also fans of redheads need a vixen hero, hence 2012's "Red Clover," directed by Drew Daywalt.

The ravishing highschooler, redheaded Karen (Courtney Halverson), is hunting in cursed Massachusetts woods with her granddad, Pops (William Devane).  She gets lost and finds a red four-leaf clover...and plucks it.  Eek...the cursed fauna burns into her hand and a monster leprechaun pops out of the ground and attacks her. She fights it off...but now, according to curse, only has four days to live. Her dad Connor (Billy Zane), the sheriff, doesn't believe her until he and his babe deputy, Jen (Azure Parsons), get really busy with gruesome homicides.  People are being pulled apart and half-eaten.  Only the drunk Pops believes Karen...and he's sad because he knows the curse can't be gotten rid of.

Karen has hunk and babe high school friends...like I said...don't get too attached to them.  Sadly, the St. Patrick's Day Parade queen, the blonde babe Amanda (Kelly Washington), will have her brains pulled out (okay, no blonde jokes here), moments after her mom is gutted by the fiend.  So sad.  But wait! Karen has a new BF, Dax (Dave Davis) who is into the occult.  He and Pops figure out a way to save Karen from a deadly fate.  It is a longshot...but the nubile redhead may just be too beautiful to die.  Falling back on ancient Irish lore, the trio have a lot of work to do.  Eventually, Connor becomes a believer.  He has an awful revelation for Karen, and it will ruin her day...you'll see.  Now an epic war will take place in the cursed Massachusetts woods (the film is shot in Louisiana)...and the gore that occurs will have you in total awe.

Will Karen survive and defeat the monster she inadvertently let loose?  Is the fact that the blonde is shown to have had a brain a revelation that movie makers will take to heart in their future films?  Just what epic revelation does the sheriff have for Karen...and why wait until the end of the movie to reveal it?  This is one of the best films I've seen in the last 20 years.  No other film has captured the ethos of the Massachusetts people better than "Red Clover," so see this movie today.    

Subhuman: The Amityville Experiment, Corman-esque Fun

Juan Diaz, Jr. is one of my favorite filmmakers.  He makes movies we want to see...a la Roger Corman. A laboratory experiment gone wrong! A creature escapes from a cage or a beaker. Nubile babes in trouble. Hunk guys, just a little slow on the uptake. Mad scientists. A military ready to drop a nuke.  Yep...Mr. Diaz follows a great recipe.  So, if your thing isn't RomComs, consider 2023's "Subhuman: The Amityville Experiment."  The action, performances, and creature f/x are a whole lot better than anything Cate Blanchett has ever done.  Now, here's something special...there will be more. Also here is a trailer for the next feature, and it looks terrific..."The Amityville Ripper."  Hey! Why not?

In a secret government lab, Project 19 has been developed by Dr. Fulci (Jose Pelaez).  Uh oh...the thing escapes from its cage and escapes from the lab...go figure...that never happens, right? Fulci contacts the Dept. of Defense and notifies General Corman (Carey Rolley). The good general understands the magnitude of the situation and is ready to drop a nuke on Amityville.  Now Fulci is under the clock to capture the escaped monster before Corman gives the nuke order. Project 19?  Oh, it is slimy, red, big-eyed, and very toothy...and it sneaks into apartments and eats nubile babes and annoying guys. The creature f/x are masterful here.

Okay, resident schmuck, Ford (Diaz, Jr.) lives in an Amityville apartment complex.  One by one his neighbors get eaten.  Ford is kind of a loser, but who knows, his business of creating action figures no one wants may take off.  He is smart enough to own a big gun and when he suspects his apartment complex has been invaded by an evil being, he arms up.  Monster attacks, shoot-outs, and a nun in peril will ensue.  Uh oh, again.  Before there was Project 19...there was Project 18.  What happened to Project 18 will add more shocking horror to this plot.  As our mutant eats away at residents and makes its way to Ford, and a nuke bomber heads to Amityville, Ford engages in a battle to save humanity and perhaps come up with a new and original idea for his next action figure.

Will Project 19 be neutralized before the bomber reaches Amityville?  Will Project 19 follow 'social distancing' protocols?  Will Juan Diaz, Jr. market the Project 19 action figure?  This is a fun one and fans of Roger Corman films will want to move this to #1 on their "Movies to Watch" list.  For great scifi/horror and creature f/x, see "Subhuman: The Amityville Experiment." To buy the DVD of this film, click on this link DVD of SUBHUMAN .

Now, you can download “Subhuman: The Amityville Experiment.” The download includes extras like an exclusive trailer to THE AMITYVILLE RIPPER (a lost Giallo film), TWO alternate endings, and a POST CREDITS scene. Each DVD also includes a FREE mini poster inside. Thank you again for supporting independent filmmaking. You can order your copy at SUBHUMAN Download on Etsy