Psycho Ape!, Gorilla and Bikini Babe Run Amok

I know the movie isn't 'per se' about a nubile bikini babe traipsing through existence and time...but I do have to admire that plot device. Sure 2020's "Psycho Ape!" (directed by Addison Binek), is a keen homage to early 1970s grindhouse-drive-in exploitation films, but it is also a tour through some of the most critically acclaimed films of the past 90 years. Of course, did I mention the yellow haired, nubile bikini babe frolicking and dancing throughout? I did? Well, it was just such a refreshing cinematic device that one hopes many other film-makers will follow that lead.

In a homage to the classic "Slumber Party Massacre," our film begins. An ape (Stephen Albers) escapes from a Detroit zoo and the nubile teens at a slumber party are slaughtered by a banana wielding fiend. All except our bikini babe, Nancy Banana (Kansas Bowling). "Halloween" homages will cascade as an animal psychiatrist is called to the murder scene, Dr. ZOOmis (Bill Weeden) is an expert on the homicidal ape and recommended he never be let loose. The killing spree continues as Nancy goes into obscurity. Decades pass and Nancy, our bikini babe remains nubile and frolicking. The ape disembowels and impales with his deadly bananas. ZOOmis stays on his trail as it becomes apparent that the fiend seeks his true love, the only survivor of the slumber party massacre, Nancy...our frolicking nubile bikini babe.

A jaunt through Americana ensues as our ape continues murdering innocuous representations of an increasingly empty and egotistical America. Self importance and irrelevance seem to be the targets of the monster ape, in the form of innocent victims. Sure, we cheer for the disembowelment and impalement of most of these victims, but our fiend gets closer to our nubile frolicking bikini babe. The bikini babe? We don't want her taken apart. Psycho Ape barely eludes his nemesis, ZOOmis, but his decades long rampage seems to be drawing to an end. The purity and nubile-ness of Nancy almost suggests the purity and carnal honesty of the early 1970s sexploitation drive-in cinema. The gore will continue to the very end and the sexual explosiveness of our bikini babe will accompany it.

Will Psycho Ape find his lost love, Nancy? Will ZOOmis get to our ape before that happens? What will 2020 America do to Psycho Ape if he is captured? Nubile blonde babes escorting us through films is a plot device that Addison Binek masters. Kansas Bowling plays this 'guide' well, and will bring a big smile to your face. Forget the "King Kong" remakes and rip-offs, see  "Psycho Ape!"

Pretty Obsession, The Lives and Deaths of Cam Girls

All right.  Sure we have a psycho slasher going after deviant and sultry cam girls.  Not necessarily a fault, we have more of lovely cam girls talking dirty, making out with each other, spanking each other, groping each other, showering together, and exploring fetishes and pushing the proverbial envelope.  Eventually, yes, we have murder.  So if you can stomach deviant fetishes and sultry women making out together, then 2012's "Pretty Obsession," directed by Michael Baumgarten, is the film for you.  I kind of think most of us will gladly put up with cam girls being deviant.

She's a babe.  Rebecca (Brittany Nicole Kovler) is about to graduate high school and earns a lot of spending money working as a cam girl.  This is a secret from her family and friends and she is quite good at it.  She feels herself up and masturbates for her clients.  Can a teen age girl keep a secret? No!  She tells her very buxom bestie, Lauren (Lydia Pritchette) about this.  Now Lauren wants to do it...and quickly sets herself up as a cam girl.  Often, Lauren and Rebecca tag team and make out a lot, do kinky stuff with costumes, spank one another, and shower.  Both gals have fans.  Rebecca is smart enough not to allow fans to know who she is or where she lives.  Lauren?  Not so bright.

Lauren begins meeting her clients and they fork over a lot of money to have sex with her.  One of Rebecca's fan's, Denver (Dylan Hobbs) wants to meet her.  Rebecca refuses.  Denver is a homicidal sex maniac.  He kills cam girls he meets.  He even choked one cam girl with a dildo she was performing with.  Now Denver figures out where Rebecca lives, by meeting Lauren.  Poor Lauren, he only wants her to get to Rebecca...and carnage will ensue.  Now Rebecca and her family are in peril as the psycho decides to invade. 

Will Rebecca and her family survive the twisted wrath of Denver?  Can these high school babes earn more money doing this deviant fetish stuff for perverts than they would majoring in fashion design at U.C.L.A.?  Maybe we should ask Lori Laughlin.  Is the fate of Rebecca and Lauren a good metaphor for the fate of young ladies in a very misogynistic America?  Deviant, twisted, perverted, and quite alluring, see "Pretty Obsession" and then re-evaluate how you will make money this summer.  

Shockwave, Killer Robots

Today we look at a film that includes "Baywatch" actress Alexandra Paul. Unfortunately, like so many of the big name stars in here, she'll die horribly very early and won't be relevant to the plot. Remember George Takei from "Star Trek"? He'll suffer the same fate. Hey, it's a Syfy Channel film directed by Jim Wynorski, and worry not, there is enough cheesecake and beefcake in our B team of stars to give us a fine film. Throw on two killer robots who decapitate and disintegrate their prey. Hence, our film today is 2006's "Shockwave" (aka "A.I. Assault").

A team of scientists and soldiers are chased down in the desert and either decapitated or disintegrated by two robots. The two robots are a government creation to replace humans on the battlefield. These experiments always go so well. Eventually the scientific team, which includes our aforementioned "Baywatch" babe, gets control and takes these buggers on an airplane ride. Uh oh, the duo is mysteriously reactivated and kill every human on the plane and commandeer it to an uncharted island that looks a lot like Hawaii. Also arriving on the island are a trio of homicidal thieves headed by Rork (Blake Gibbons). Rork has his hot GF with him, Tiffany (Hudson Leick), and their hired helicopter pilot Jack (Josh Coxx).

A SEAL team is dropped on the island to retrieve the robot killers. Too late, the things are busy. First they attack the robbers and disintegrate them. Now the robbers and Jack are on the run and run smack into our SEALs headed by Major Tunney (Joe Lando). The SEALs have the scientist from the killer robot project with them, Dr. Susan (Lisa LoCicero)...a babe, of course. Susan's dad is missing and was on the plane that the robots conquered. Uh oh, the robots are smart and are using parts of the airplane and Jack's chopper to create a flying machine so they can get off the island. The robots are also good hunters and pick off the soldiers one by one as Susan's ray-gun that is supposed to kill them, doesn't work. Uh oh again, the robots have Susan's dad and you won't believe what they did to him. Now the soldiers and thieves must band together to stop the things from reaching population centers and wiping out all humans.

Will scientist Susan and skank Tiffany (clad in high heels and a tight skirt) give us a nice cat-fight? What is the ultimate plan for the robot duo if they succeed in getting off the island? Is there a better plot device than government scientists creating things that will replace soldiers on the battlefield? If you are a fan of films on the Syfy Channel, this is one for you.  Alas, the beautiful will die horribly and hunks will be shredded, so enjoy "Shockwave."  

Fountaine and the Vengeful Nun Who Wouldn't Die, Lesbian Nuns Run Amok

It was such a beautiful thing.  Two babe nuns decapitate a thug and lovingly embrace as they're showered with the spurting blood from the poor sap's neck.  It is enough to make any good Lutheran convert to Catholicism.  Eat your heart out, Martin Luther!  Babe nuns with katana swords, chainsaws, and Kung Fu skills are an underused plot device in modern film.  Thankfully James Dean (and co-writer Louis Otero) have given us 2021's "Fountaine and the Vengeful Nun Who Wouldn't Die."

 As our story begins a corrupt priest rapes Sister Alice (Zera Lynd).  Very sad.  Forget about that, for now.  Sister Mary (Mallory Stern) is locked away in an asylum for maniacal homicidal nuns (these places are popping up even faster than CBD shops). She is there because she went unresponsive when her sister overdosed on drugs from the Fountaine organization.  There she meets the love of her life, Sister Lee (Jaclyn Tripp).  The babes fall in love and when an orderly tries to rape Lee, the two nuns decapitate him.  That act proves her sanity to the Vatican, and she is released to a weird abbey where she trains in Kung Fu with the Master (Brian Davis) and Sam (Ron Clower).

Mary is training to go after the Fountaine organization.  She also wants to find her love, Lee.  Lee has mysteriously gone rogue.  Now Mary, equipped with a katana sword, goes off on her dual quest.  Waiting for her are drug dealing nuns and priests, and a BDSM torture whore (not an official Catholic church office).  Chainsaws, decapitations, a lot of spurting blood will accompany Mary on her quest.  Intestines will be cut out, heads will fly, throats will be ripped out...and Mary will seek to find Lee for a deep sensual kiss.  There is a lot here, all good.  Over the top and gratuitous, but when babe nuns are involved...well, that's fine.

Will we see nubile nuns in catfights and shower scenes?  Is 'nubile' a word in which we can describe a babe nun?  Are two babe lesbian nuns lovingly embracing in the spurting blood of a thug they just decapitated a metaphor for the schism between Vatican 1 and Vatican 2 Catholics?  Offensive, gratuitous, and so much fun, see "Fountaine and the Vengeful Nun Who Wouldn't Die," and make sure to hit Confession on Saturday,    

Streets of Vengeance, Porn Actress Gets Even

An underused protagonist in films of the last century...porn actresses!  We all want them but never say it in public.  Because of our silence we get dweeby community activists advocating for racial justice or the environment...BORING!  No!  Give us a porn actress with fishnets, heels, leather, and a big sword.  There!  I said it!  Thankfully, Paul Ragsdale and Angelica De Alba felt the same way and made 2016's "Streets of Vengeance."  So much to say about this film...all good.  Mr. Ragsdale and Ms. De Alba must have made this epic with this blog in mind.

First a shout out to Eden Trevino who hosts this film as Stacy Monroe.  Her bikini antics and playful good cheer is what every film made in this millennium needs more of.  Okay, very sad!  Lana (Jazmine C. Sanders) opens the story with an uber-alluring exotic dance routine.  She'll be horribly slashed in a back alley by the San Francisco Slasher, just the latest of many victims.  The puritanical psycho is shredding porn stars and adult entertainers.  Next we meet Mila (Delawna McKinney), the world's greatest porn star.  She has announced her retirement infuriating her producer/agent Ivan (Bryan Hurd) and saddening her colleague and BF Amber (Paige Le Ney).

Mila wants to move on and complete herself.  The industry and unbalanced fans go bananas.  We meet a puritanical deviant cult leader, Garrett (Daniel James Moody).  His minions seek to purify the world by abducting porn stars and slicing them up on snuff videos.  Many of Mila's buddies are sliced and eventually Mila is abducted by them.  The leather and fishnets are thrown at us as babes are murdered.  Uh oh for the cult, Mila survives after some torture and marring.  Now Mila is armed with a sword and a baseball bat.  She organizes a porn star army (YES!!!) and an all out war ensues.  Heels, deviant BDSM costumes, and Ginger Lynn gratify our viewing experience further.  Gratuitous baths, porn stars in lesbian kissing scenes, exotic dances, and popping eyeballs explode at us from the silver screen in this homage to 1980s crime dramas.

Who else is behind this cult that seeks to wipe out our porn actress babes?  Is this film a thinly veiled metaphor for a misogynistic Hollywood that is bent on adhering to the same old boring stories?  Is Mila the id inside all of us that seeks to rebel against a seemingly unbeatable machine?  An anthem to the underdog, perhaps.  "Streets of Vengeance" is a deviant and gory epic filled with sex, violence, and gratuitous everything.  Get your fill of porn star-sploitation and put on "Streets of Vengeance."

Dangerous Game, Department Store Carnage

Now that Amazon and other e-retailers have relegated American department stores to insignificant retail options, it is useful to look back a few decades to see these dinosaurs in action.  From Australia, we look at 1988's "Dangerous Game," directed by Stephen Hopkins.  Fortunately the gun and hunting departments in our featured department store will be heavily used by college babes in hunks in fighting a complete psychopath.

Officer Murphy (Steven Grives) is a real psycho.  His department knows it and is about to suspend him pending a complete psychological evaluation.  Blaming a bunch of college kids for his fall from grace, Murphy decides on a plot for revenge.  Our college kids?  The babe Kathryn (Kathryn Walker) has just begun romancing Jack (Marcus Graham).  Then, computer nerd David (Miles Buchanan) had just started romancing Ziggy (Sandie Lillingstone).  Oh yes, the fifth wheel, Tony (John Polson).  So cute...not to Murphy.  David impresses his friends...so he demonstrates his hacking ability.  Our nerd hacker hacks into Sydney's largest department store and opens their security doors at midnight.

Now our five college kids sneak into the store...and Murphy follows them.  Pre-marital sex will occur, and some other harmless fun.  Then Murphy begins hunting them.  Cutting off the phone lines and security systems...then re-locking all the doors, the kids are trapped inside.  Murphy finds hunting daggers, crossbows, shotguns, and more derangement.  Uh oh for Murphy...the kids also find firearms.  Bloodshed will follow and some neat chases.  Wedding displays will be annihilated, and a few dirt-bikes will be utilized in this thriller.  Not all the college kids will remain alive, and Murphy's insanity will constantly be revved up.

Will any of these college kids survive Murphy?  Is Murphy a metaphor for Amazon.com and its quest to drive all other retail outlets into extinction?  Is the lack of police response to the department store a metaphor for the bribed and incompetent U.S. Department of Justice's Anti-Trust Division?  This is a terrific action thriller in which Murphy steals the show.  For a war movie set in a department store, see "Dangerous Game."    

Lake of the Dead, Ghosts Norwegian Style

Other than the classic horror film "The Snow Bunny Massacre," our feature today may be the best horror film ever to come out of Norway.  Ghosts, possession, and deviant family dynamics play havoc with our minds in 1958's "Lake of the Dead," directed by Kare Bergstrom.  Pretty Norwegian babes in much peril and the hunks trying to save them is offered up in a more refined manner than in the aforementioned "The Snow Bunny Massacre."

Six great-looking Norwegians head into the wilderness for a few days of R&R.  Bernhard (Henki Kolstad) is a writer with a babe wife, Sonja (Bjorg Engh).  Also along for the vacation is nubile babe Lillian (Henny Moan) and her shrink Bugge (Erling Lindahl).  I know, when a babe is bringing her shrink along on a vacation, this may be a warning sign.  Uh oh, they reach a 100 year old cabin by a haunted lake.  Every August 23rd, a horrific scream emanates from the lake.  100 years ago, Gravik (Leif Sommerstad), a one-legged woodsman, took an axe to his sister and her lover.  Uh oh, again...when the crew gets to the cabin, Lillian's brother Bjorn (Per Lillo-Stenberg) is missing...and Lillian senses he's dead.  Apparently, Lillian and Bjorn have always shared a psychic connection.  The lake seems menacing, giving everyone bad vibes, except for Sonja who seems to relish swimming in it...there's always one.

As the crew waits for Bjorn, who may not be dead, weird stuff begins to happen.  Bjorn's diary is found and seems to suggest his sanity was going down the drain.  Then the caretaker, Braten (Oylind Oyen) tells everyone the bloody backstory of the cabin and about the murders.  Even worse, August 23 is tomorrow and Gravik's ghost is supposed to scream and reappear.  Now Lillian seems entranced and has to be restrained as she tries to throw herself into the lake.  People begin dying and all indications are that Gravik is back hunting for Norwegians.  Bugge and Bernhard try to unravel the mystery in order to save Lillian but the damsel appears too far gone.  Much bickering ensues until...well, you'll see.

Will Lillian suffer the same fate as Gravik's sister suffered at the hands of his axe?  Is Bjorn dead?  Will Norway be part of Russia when the sequel to this film is made?  To see what scares Norway, this is the film you will want to see.  Ghosts, possession, and talkative Scandinavians will explode at you from the silver screen when you see "Lake of the Dead."