Hippo's Revenge, CGI Hippos!

CGI hippos? Why not? We've had CGI anacondas.  CGI dinosaurs. Heck, Biden was a CGI president.  Well, as bad as this movie is, it isn't as bad as Biden. Today we look at 2025's "Hippo's Revenge," directed by Sam P. Green.  Yep, where are Joel and the 'bots when you need them?  In all fairness, the final 45 seconds of this film is...well...what the first 81 minutes should have been.

Crispin (Jason Bailey)...idiot extraordinaire, runs a safari preserve in the middle of England.  His wife died...lucky her. Now he runs it with his idiot daughter Bug (Jenna Wilson), and his GF Aluna (Evyn George).  We meet all them and desire their demises. Okay, Crispin has just had a mother and baby hippo sent from Kenya.  During the process, mother hippo murdered two dockworkers...stomped on them. Now the hippos belong to Crispin and they have a large area to roam at the dullest safari park imaginable. Also on the preserve is dweeb Daniel (Tom Marchant).  Bug likes him but we don't.  The hippos?  Cute? Dull!  This is a movie in which you will develop a new found appreciation for poachers.  Then mother hippo bites the arm off Mr. Rogers (Richard Bobb-Semple)...he probably had it coming. 

Hippo carnage.  Most of it by stomping on heads or torsos. Okay, some nefarious people in England also want the hippos...why?  Because people in England have gotten real stupid since Tony Blair.  Go figure. The invading thugs converge on the preserve led by the idiot Sidney (Michael Hoad).  The guy has a beer gut and gets beat up by women, you'll see.  Him and his merry band of imbeciles then try to herd the hippos into a truck.  As you can imagine, this goes about as well as Starmer's economic policies. Crispin, Bug, Daniel, and Aluna?  They try to defend the preserve and the hippos not  realizing the hippos don't like them either.  But...to the credit of this film...the final minute is okay.

If you can do CGI hippos, why didn't the makers of this film select an animal we actually cared about... like a giant tarantula?  Is everyone in England as stupid as the characters in this film?  Is having your head crushed by the foot of a hippo a metaphor of what the Labour Party is doing to a once proud nation?  There is probably more of a market for this film than there is for that "Avatar" sequel, so let's not be too critical.  For hippo carnage, see "Hippo's Revenge."