Return of the Evil Dead, Happy Halloween from Spain

What better way to celebrate Halloween than examining a movie from "The Tombs of the Blind Dead" series.  On August 28th we looked at "Tombs of the Blind Dead," and on September 15th we parsed "The Ghost Galleon."  Today we plow into 1973's "Return of the Evil Dead" (aka "El Ataque de los Muertos sin Ojos").  All of these movies emanate from Spain and are directed by Amando de Ossorio.  With plenty of virgin sacrifice carnage this film is set in a Portuguese village celebrating the overthrow of Satanic Templar knights, centuries ago.  Much like our Halloween, there are parties galore, heavy drinking, sanctioned and pre-marital sex, and costumes.  Of course, hundreds of villagers will die bloody deaths at the hand of resurrected fiends...but what a party!

The plot:  Way back when, Templar knights returning from Egypt took over a peaceful town in Portugal.  These knights, now Satan worshipers, practiced the black arts at the expense of the residents.  The most heinous act these fiends enacted against the poor schmucks was virgin sacrifice. The knights seized all the virgins they could (see picture above) and bled them to death with a sacrificial dagger, then drank their blood.  What a fool will do for immortality!  The townspeople rebelled, and while the knights slept off a night of heavy drinking, captured them.  The gutsy citizens burned them all at the stake, but not before burning out the eyes of their invaders.  As they charred, the knights promised to return and exact revenge on the town.  Fast forward five or six centuries.  The same town readies for a celebration commemorating the rebellion.  Jack (Tony Kendall) arrives to provide the fireworks show.  He meets the corrupt mayor (Fernando Sancho) and his beautiful skank, Vivian (Esperanza Roy).  These two are pictured below with one of their nemesis'.

Vivian is an interesting sort...apparently she has had sexual relations with most of the men she meets.  Jack is no exception, and right away the mayor knows that Jack and Vivian are sweet on each other.  Meanwhile, Marvin, the town's version of Renfield, kidnaps a beautiful virgin and sacrifices her over the burial ground of the knights.  When the girl's blood soaks into the earth, the knights rise out of their graves.  In town, Jack moves in on Vivian and the Mayor orders a hit on him.  On their way into town, the knights invade Monica's (Loreta Tovar) home and kill her lover.  The two were not married and should of known that pre-marital sex will get you skewered.  Monica escapes into town to warn the mayor, but the knights are on her tail.  The knights then kill most of the townspeople leaving Jack, Vivian, the mayor and his henchmen, Monica, Marvin, and a few others holed up in a church.  Though the knights seem to be held at bay, everyone of these survivors has their own agenda.  Betrayal and scheming act as the real enemy, and the knights only need to wait for opportunity.

Will Vivian pay the ultimate price for her sexual prowess, or will Jack be able to save her?  Are the resurrected Satanic knights a metaphor for the beat downs delivered upon the proletariat by the clergy and bourgeois?  Will Jack figure out a way to defeat or escape from the knights?  Lots of blood and screaming damsels highlight this horror film.  Oddly enough, many of the scenes will remind you of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds."  Some of the scenes are intense, for example, when a five year old girl sees the knights murder her mom and dad.  This is a terrific horror film, and a worthy addition to your Halloween movie-thon.     

   

We Are The Night, Four Hot German Vampires Bite and Shop

2010's "We Are The Night" (aka "Wir Sind Die Nacht") comes to us from Germany.  It seems whenever we meet really sophisticated vampires, who have survived centuries, while accumulating the wisdom of the ages, they end up acting really stupid and getting killed. Will that be the fate of our four lovelies today?  You'll have to wait until the closing credits for the answer to that question, but in the mean time, hold on for quite the roller-coaster ride.  Machine guns, Russian mobsters, car chases, vampire carnage, love stories (all of the unhealthy sort), and eroticism are delivered in very loud fashion, here.

As the film begins, Louise (Nina Hoss), Charlotte (Jennifer Ulrich), and Nora (Anna Fischer) have just finished sucking the blood of every passenger and crew member on a Paris to Berlin flight.  In the picture above, Louise finishes off the last surviving stewardess.  Big on adrenaline rushes, the trio pop open the cabin door and finish the flight on their own, letting the airplane crash.  Meanwhile, Lena (Karoline Herfuth) is a low-life pick-pocket, running from the police.  Tom (Max Reimelt), is on her tail, determined to arrest her.  On the run, Lena finds her way to a nightclub secreted in a Berlin park.  Louise, who runs the joint, is fixated on Lena's desperation and allows her in.  After attempting to seduce Lena, Louise bites her, changing her into a bloodsucker.  With much angst and pain, Lena becomes a vampire and at first enjoys the apparent immortal life.  Louise has intimate intentions for young Lena, but Lena is not a lesbian.  Lena is sweet on Tom, even though he seeks to put cuffs her.  The, now quartet of vampires, live the high life.  They drive Lamborghinis, shop at exclusive malls, drink lots of blood, and hang around in bikinis and party dresses.

As Tom continues his pursuit, Louise also continues her's.  Lena rejects intimacy with Louise which causes some difficulties.  First, Charlotte becomes jealous, as she used to be Louise's lover.  Second, Louise realizes Tom's continued existence makes a relationship with Lena impossible.  Oh yes, Tom is actually a great cop and is able to locate these vampire femmes.  With the full force of SWAT teams, the cops move in.  Thanks to some nifty machine-gun work by Charlotte (see photo below), the femmes escape, and an all out war is now in progress between the police and the vampires.  The immortal vamps prove to be anything but immortal.  As casualties mount, Louise becomes unreasonable and impulsive, putting Tom and Lena in mortal danger.

Is there a future for Tom and Lena?  How will Louise ultimately handle rejection?  However lost Lena seemed, Louise never figured she had a human side.  Now immortal, Lena finally begins to appreciate her humanity (....though she is no longer human).  This is a loud, bloody, stylistic vampire story.  Our four vamps are alluring and dangerous.  However much a love story "We Are The Night" is, it is mostly an action-packed horror film. Available on Netflix, enjoy these four sexy monsters this Halloween season. 

Cabin Fever: Patient Zero, Get Ready for the Pandemic

Our President is determined to integrate Ebola patients into our major cities.  Our Vice President tells us we'll die if we get on an airplane.  The HHS (the masterminds behind the Veteran Affairs scandal)  and CDC (which is headed up by the soda-Nazi, who banned 16 ounce soft drinks in NYC) tell us there is absolutely no way to catch Ebola.  The military is dispatched to western Africa.  "The Walking Dead" season 5 is underway. Who are you gonna trust?  This brings us to this year's "Cabin Fever: Patient Zero."  There is absolutely no cause for worry, but perhaps we may learn something from the "Cabin Fever" movies.

The plot:  You know about that hyper-skin eating virus from the previous "Cabin Fever" films.  One man, Porter (Sean Astin, see photo above) in immune to the killer, and he is being tested at a secret CDC lab on a deserted island near the Dominican Republic.  As with most deserted islands in these B movies, they tend to get crowded pretty quickly after the opening credits.  Porter has an adversarial relationship with the mad Doctor Edwards (Currie Graham), who is charged with coming up with a cure.  Edwards has two assistants, the good Dr. Camila (Solly Duran), and the evil Dr. Cleavage....er Bridgette (Lydia Hearst).  Through a series of events, the virus, of course, spreads through the lab facility.  Meanwhile, four pot-smoking, young adults land on the island for a bachelor's party.  Two of these revelers, Penny (Jillian Murray) and Josh (Brando Eaton) go snorkeling.  Unfortunately, a sanitation pipe from the lab dumps contaminated waste into the ocean.  Penny and Josh emerge from the surf....infected (see photo below).

As Josh and Penny start deteriorating, they decide to engage in pre-marital sex.  Pre-marital sex in these films never turns out well, and in this case produces some disgusting results.  To help these two unfortunates, Marcus (Mitch Ryan) and Dobbs (Ryan Donowho) head to the lab at the other side of the island for help.  Bad move.  The lab is overrun by the virus and our would be heroes meet up with Porter, Edwards, and his two assistants.  Each of these survivors has their own agenda, and no one can be trusted.  Does Edwards have the cure?  Is patient zero willing to sacrifice himself to prevent a pandemic?  Without giving too much away, this film features a thrilling cat-fight between a horribly disfigured Penny and an infected Bridgette , which ends when one of the women use a female-sex toy as her weapon of choice.

The gore meter never rests in this film, which may have been released at the perfect time.  The acting is good, and this work takes the "Cabin Fever" franchise to a new level....world-wide.  So, someday in the near future, when your government tells you to report to the local elementary school (which is now a shelter), where you will be safe......remember this film before you pack up an overnight bag.  Available on Netflix, "Cabin Fever: Patient Zero" will give you the creeps....as if today's headlines don't.  

 

The Vampire Lovers, Lesbian Bloodsuckers from Hammer Films

Upon her wedding day, Queen Victoria's daughter received this piece of advice from her mom, regarding the wedding night; "Just lay back and think of England."  Similarly, Ingrid Pitt sought advice regarding her intimate lesbian scenes when she was starring in 1970's "The Vampire Lovers." Director Roy Ward Baker offered only this to his beautiful actress, "Just enjoy it."  The eroticism hinted at in Hammer vampire movies comes gushing forth in today's selection.  TVL is a perfect companion piece to Hammer's "Countess Dracula" (reviewed on this blog on May 4th), as both star Ingrid Pitt, arguably the best scream queen in film history.

The plot; During an aristocratic ball in Vienna, a countess (Dawn Addams) arrives with her apparent, niece Marcilla (Pitt, pictured above).  All the guys are checking out this stunning beauty, and in turn, Marcilla checks out all the buxom young ladies.  In a suave scam, the woman pawns Marcilla off on a general (Peter Cushing), while she attends a sick relative.  Perfect for Marcilla, as she is lusting for the general's daughter, Laura (Pippa Steel).  As Marcilla is a guest in the general's mansion, Laura and her grow increasingly close.  Eventually there is a lot of intimacy and nudity associated with these two.  Uh oh!  Laura is getting weaker and paler.  When Laura finally departs this mortal coil, Marcilla is nowhere to be found.  What is found are two puncture marks on Laura's neck.

Marcilla pops up again, this time as Carmilla.  We find out that this vampire is the last "living"descendant of the cursed Karnstein family (see my review of "Twins of Evil" on May 8th).  In a similar scam, Carmilla is taken in by the Morton's.  Good news for our fiend, as now she can set her sights on Emma Morton (Madeline Smith).  As you can see from the picture above, Carmilla does just that.  As Carmilla gets naked and intimate with Emma, and Emma's governess (Kate O'Mara), the general assembles a posse to end the evil once and for all.  Will our heroic posse be in time to save Emma from an unspeakable evil? 

This vampire's lust for beautiful young women is the draw for TVL.  Pitt, Smith, Steel, and O'Mara are all beautiful in this.  Peter Cushing, as usual, is terrific as the grieving father turned vampire hunter.  As the 1970s progressed, these Hammer horror films began to increase the eroticism...which believe it or not....coincided with decreased box office revenues.  In any event, this film will certainly please all Hammer horror film fans.  The beauty of the glamour women of Hammer films has never been matched by the more contemporary actresses.  Available on Netflix, treat yourself to what some may term a "guilty pleasure."

Young Blood: Evil Intentions, White Trash vs. The Vampires

....or one might term 2012's "Young Blood: Evil Intentions" as the anti-"Twilight" movie.  No cool, twinkling teenagers who have graced high schools for generations.  No centuries old central European royalty.  No sophisticated recluses dwelling in mansions.  Nope. In this film we have real people that actually look like our neighbors.  Directed, written, and produced by Mat and Myron Smith, today's blog entry gives us a vampire story resembling how "Twilight" might have looked if Troma made it.  Not a Troma film, but our buddy Lloyd Kaufman appears as a TV anchorman, in a very dramatic role.  Filmed in Martinsville, Virginia (NASCAR-land) YBEI is a horror story, a satire, social commentary, and a comedy....but it's default is all horror.

The movie begins at Anastasia's (Autumn Ward) birthday party.  Lots of friends and family converging on a roller skating rink to celebrate this day, but it is ruined by the girl's abusive stepfather to be, Dale (Myron Smith).  Once home, Anastasia's older sister, Anavey (Zoe Cox) takes her for a walk in the park.  However strange Anavey is, we all know someone like her.  The quasi-Goth Anavey, a vampire, then bites her reluctant sister on the neck, turning her into a bloodsucker. Anavey has a plan.  She desires to turn all the children in her town into these fiends and then kill all the adults.  Why such the hatred for adults?  It doesn't take Freud to figure this one out.  The girls' mother (Rebecca Kidd) is shacked up with an abusive Dale...who is appropriately clad in a wife-beater undershirt.  Dale beats their mom, and also Anavey.  After biting Anastasia, Anavey orders her to kill their grandmother (Brett R.M. Smith) in order for the transformation to be complete. This killing delivers much comedy...in a dark sort of way, of course.

As Dale gets more abusive, the girls kill more, all the while converting all the children in their school into vampires.  The local church begins to hold anti-vampire rallies.  Rallyers  will hold signs saying clever stuff like "Let Them Eat Stake."  Mat and Myron Smith throw in lots of biting commentary regarding what violent adults, and broken homes can turn our children into.  However, the commentary doesn't end there,  Every institution in working class suburbia receives attention from our film makers.  Teachers and parents meet horrible fates, and our children turn more evil.  However dark Anavey is, it is obvious Anastasia has good in her.  As Anastasia's doubts about vampire culture mount, Anavey begins growing suspicious of her little sister's loyalty.  Uh oh!  Is it too late for Anastasia?

Autumn Ward is absolutely FANTASTIC!  Though the adults are portrayed as out of touch and one dimensional, we the viewer must realize that is how the children see them.  Kaufman (pictured above) is his typical boisterous self, and presents newscasts as only he could.  However comedic and satirical this film is, be warned, when it ends there is no doubt we have just seen a horror film.  Kudos to Mat and Myron Smith for making a film that is perfect for this Halloween season.   

X-Ray, Barbi Benton Heats Up a Hospital

Barbi Benton, who got her start on "Hee Haw," first graced this blog with my entry of "Deathstalker" (see my review on March 3rd).  Ms. Benton appeared in many network TV shows, and in Playboy. Though never a Playmate, she did date Hugh Heffner.  With plenty of excuses to embark on the wild side, Ms. Benton married in 1979.  Today, she has been married to her husband for 35 years and has two children with him.  Today's entry might be her most risque role, 1982's "X-Ray" (aka "Hospital Massacre").  In this film, she has an elongated nude scene in which she is examined....groped, actually, by a doctor.  While filming this scene, quite a crowd assembled behind the camera.  Perhaps that heated up the set a bit, as if Ms. Benton needed any help with that.

The plot:  Susan (Benton) needs to pick up her test results from a previous physical exam at the hospital.  She is dressed in an alluring red business suit, with some high heels....as it happens to be Valentine's Day.  Here is the bad news, some evil fiend is at work in the hospital, determined to inflict a torturous death upon her.  Susan's appointment is with the very pretty Dr. Jacobs (Gay Austin), however our antagonist lures the unfortunate soul to the abandoned ninth floor and inflicts some angry carnage on her (see picture below).  When Susan arrives, someone has switched her test results with a patient who has a combination of Ebola and Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  The opportunistic Dr. Saxon (John Warner Williams) reads the fraudulent medical file and orders Susan to strip, which she does with minimal apprehension.  This gives way for three of the most gratuitous minutes ever put on film in which Susan is probed.

As Susan is being "examined," our psycho is busy protecting his ninth floor lair.  A maintenance guy finds Jacobs' corpse, and then gets his head shoved in a sink full of acid.  Meanwhile, Dr. Saxon orders new blood work for Susan, however the nurses who do the tests are butchered, and the fiend substitutes results from diseased unfortunates, thus Susan is admitted.  By the way, this is quite a hospital.  Every patient is insane or in a full body cast.  One creep prowls the halls and shows up every time Susan is in a state of undress (much like the crew for this movie).  As more nurses and doctors are murdered, our monster is closing in our our naive damsel.  Whoever is keeping Susan in the hospital, has a diabolical plan for her which includes several surgical instruments and no anesthesia.  A back story lets us know that Susan humiliated a boy on Valentine's Day in 1961.....but who did this boy grow up to be?  An ex-husband, a materialistic boyfriend, weird doctors, nurses and patients are all suspects.

The ending is loud and fiery as Susan will have to go one on one with her tormentor.  Many will compare this film to "Halloween 2," as they hit the theaters at about the same time.  The John Carpenter name made H2 a bigger box office success, however, "X-Ray" may be the better movie.  Surgical saws, big knives, coat racks, acid, a big syringe, a stethoscope, and an ax are all used to deliver gushing gore.  Even after receiving her boyfriend's decapitated head in a hat box, Susan keeps it together in order to give our insaniac the fight of his putrid existence.  See Barbi Benton's most revealing film to get your fill of 80s slasher fare this Halloween season.

Schizoid, Weird Group Therapy

1980's "Schizoid" started the mantra, "It's not safe to go back into group therapy."  Well maybe not, but with Klaus Kinski starring as a kinky therapist, and the prime suspect in a series of scissor murders, we have a worthwhile slasher flick.  The suspects outnumber the beautiful victims, and feature a young Christopher Lloyd as a creepy maintenance guy who enrolls in group therapy with a bunch of sexy women.  With a great cast, plot twists, a plethora of suspects, and a shiny pair of scissors, "Schizoid" will certainly please.

As our film begins, the female members of Dr. Fales' (Kinski) therapy group are nude in a Jacuzzi. As they commiserate about their dysfunctions, none of them are aware that each of them is being bedded by our nymphomaniac Dr. Fales.  Fales is an odd one, in addition to having carnal relations with his patients, he enjoys watching his teen-aged, daughter, Alison (Donna Wilkes), undress.  I was a young teenager when I saw Ms. Wilkes in "Jaws 2."  If she had been eaten by the shark, I would've needed group therapy.  As soon as the women dry off, the slashing starts.  One of the group members (see photo below) is slashed at an abandoned plantation and hung up to dry.  Simultaneously, Julie (Mariana Hill), an advice columnist, has started getting cryptic letters from someone who desires to shoot her.  The next to go is a group member, who is also an exotic dancer.  She buys it just after Fales visits her in her dressing room, where they have passionate sex.  Meanwhile, Alison spies on the therapy sessions with the use of the intercom system, and develops a hatred for Julie.  

More suspects are piled onto the plot.  Craig Wasson plays Julie's ex-husband, Doug.  He rightly believes that the therapy group is responsible for Julie, who he adores, seeking a divorce.  Gilbert (Lloyd) is a maintenance man who just happens to show up on jobs in whichever building Julie walks into. Gilbert is the only member of the group not having carnal relations with Fales.  Back to Alison (see photo below).  She has not handled the death of her mother well, and resents her dad for sleeping with every women he meets.  When Fales brings Julie home for dinner, Alison creates one heck of an awkward time for them.  As the notes threatening Julie's life keep coming, the cops are only mildly interested.  The letters express a desire to shoot Julie, yet the killer is using a scissors....are there more than one?

As Julie tries on her own to catch her tormentor, she surrounds herself with those she trusts...even though they all have motives to murder her.  The story is creepy, not so much because of the murders, but Dr. Fales' relationship with his daughter will also give you the willies.  If Alison is the fiend, she is a fiend we are pulling for.  Ms. Wilkes has returned to acting, most recently in this year's "90210 Shark Attack."  Thankfully she was not eaten in "Jaws 2," and watch "Schizoid" to see if she survives in this slasher film.