Blind, Helpless Damsel in Much Distress

Is there a better way to spend Valentine's Day than with the lovely Sarah French?  Sadly, and I hate to inform you, she is not saying the same about you.  Nevertheless we have a twisted love story that will prove to be one of the most horrific tales containing hearts, sparkles, and a sultry damsel in much distress. Today we look at 2019's "Blind," directed by Marcel Walz.  If you thought "My Bloody valentine" was scary, this heart and love filled tale will give you ten times more nightmares. Remember, in your darkest and hardest trials...you are never alone.  This Sarah French film will explain the down side of that adage to us.

The sultry actress Faye Dayne (French) is adjusting to a new life.  The actress has recently become blind, ending her career.  Her best buddy Sophia (Caroline Williams) is Heaven sent and really helps her along.  Faye now joins a support group for blind souls.  The group is led by the hunk Luke (Tyler Gallant).  Luke is mute and speaks with the assistance of a device on his phone.  Yep...he's hot for her.  Sophie tries to get Faye to give him a shot.  Okay...no jokes.  Uh oh...a terrifying and surreal plot device is introduced.  In a lair filled with lights, sparkles, and valentine balloons a twisted soul (Jed Rowen) pines for Faye.  Who is this guy?  Nothing we see indicates that he is benevolent.  In fact, now we fear for our blonde protagonist even though she has no clue this evil lurks nearby.

Faye does her best to cope and adjust.  Sadly, this is difficult and does not seem to be going well.  Realizations are driven home and now Faye starts believing her life is not over, there are happy years ahead, and she does indeed want to go on.  The monster lurking nearby then gets violent.  Blood and guts will be on display as the fiend gets closer to Faye.  What does the killer want?  The monster will invade Faye's intimate privacy, watch her shower, dress, and hear her cry and plead.  Faye has no idea of the carnage that is and has taken place nearby as the monster's infatuation gets more aggressive.  Where does this all lead?  Arguably the most horrific last 10 minutes in cinema in the last 20 years,

No actress has appeared on this blog more than Sarah French.  Like me, you will desperately want her to overcome the fiend that has entered her life.  If anything, this film will prod you to embrace the one you love more than anything in the world and profess your love to her.  "My Bloody Valentine" had a pickaxe..."Blind" has something more intimate...and alas something more horrific.  See "Blind" (okay, sorry...did not mean for it to come out that way), and I guarantee you will be talking about the ending until next Valentine's Day.

Dark Places, Christopher Lee and Joan Collins

A 1974 film with Christopher Lee?  Yep...and guess what!  No vampires and it is not a Hammer production.  Throw in Joan Collins a full decade before "Dynasty," and we have an interesting haunted house/possession tale.  I admit, Mr. Lee and Ms. Collins are an uncomfortable pair...then again, I'm sure you will find "Dark Places," directed by Don Sharp, an uncomfortable horror flick.  Sadly, the plot devices we all need to avoid are not avoided in this one.  Still...enjoyable, interesting, and one of those films where everyone gets what's coming to them.

We begin at a mental asylum.  Old Colonel Marr is on his deathbed.  In a crazy fit he blurbs out to Edward (Robert Hardy) a secret.  Seems Colonel Marr secreted hundreds of thousands of English pounds inside a wall in his mansion.  He also wills the mansion to his children and in the meantime tells Edward to go take care of it.  Now Edward wants the money and shows up at the mansion.  It is falling apart and abandoned.  He gets with the executor of the estate, Prescott (Herbert Lom), who informs him Marr's wife and children were murdered many years ago and their bodies never found. Uh oh...town doctor, Ian (Lee), and his sister Sarah (Collins) are aware the money is somewhere in the house.  Sarah is the town seductress and she gets close to Edward in hopes of finding the loot.

Strange noises abound.  Is the house haunted?  Well, Ian sends Sarah over there to make it appear that way. Bad news...the stuff going bump in the night has nothing to do with Sarah's trickery.  Pre-marital sex will abound and then Edward seems to get possessed by Colonel Marrs.  Now Edward begins seeing Alta (Jane Birkin).  She was Marrs' maid...and lover.  She also is thought to be murdered...body never found. Now, through a possessed Edward we see what went on in the house at the time of the supposed murders and it will make you very uncomfortable. A bloodbath beckons...but for who?  Ian and Sarah are greedy and deviant...so is Edward...so is Prescott...so is anyone who ever lived in the house.  

Were Colonel Marrs' family and lover indeed murdered those many years ago?  Where are the bodies and the supposed money?  Just who is Edward and how did he ever get control of the haunted estate?  This is a sordid tale that as you may guess, isn't likely to end well.  For a good haunted house/ possession tale that goes over the line...see "Dark Places."

   

Dark Tower, Vengeful Spirit Terrorizes Jenny Agutter

This has disaster written all over it.  The leading lady pulls out just before shooting.  Then the leading man pulls out.  A famous director, Freddie Francis quits halfway through filming.  So what do we have left?  Jenny Agutter in lingerie, teasing virile men, sweating as she is chased through a building in mortal peril.  Good riddance Freddie Francis, Lucy Guttridge, and Roger Daltrey!  Hello Jenny Agutter in nice lacy black undies, Michael Moriarty, and Ken Wiederhorn behind the camera.  Today we look at the semi-erotic ghost tale, set and shot in Barcelona, 1987's "Dark Tower."  Oh yeah, did I mention Carol Lynley as a hot secretary?

Carolyn (Agutter) is an architect overseeing the construction of Unico Tower in Barcelona.  After showing some Unico execs around the almost finished building, she returns to her 29th floor office, strips to some nice black lingerie, and teases the poor window washer outside her window.  To her horror, a ghost attacks the window washer, crushes his head, and sends him over the side where he falls on a Unico exec, killing him, too.  Unico investigator Dennis (Moriarty) arrives and Carolyn wants to strip for him...but professionalism wins out...darn!  Carolyn was affected by this gore.  She wants Dennis to comfort her and will wear some very sext business suits through the rest of the film to try to bring this on,  Also wearing really sexy and tight office attire is Carol Lynley as Carolyn's secretary...sadly, her character has no bearing on the plot.

More gory deaths.  The proverbial security guards die horribly.  Then it becomes apparent the spirit wants to murder Carolyn.  Just by sheer luck, the ghost possesses a friend of Dennis' and makes him try to shoot Carolyn.  Many will be slaughtered in the lobby but Carolyn escapes the carnage in the worst workplace massacre in Barcelona history.  Dennis does more investigation and calls in parapsychologist Max Gold (Theodore Bikel) and medium, Sergei (Kevin McCarthy).  These two will make horrific discoveries...but as you may guess, it won't turn out well.  The spirit wants to murder, not converse.  Now Carolyn is the thing's only target and it will make her sweat, strip to her undies, and run for her life.

Will Dennis ever get a clue and be able to help Carolyn?  Would a better director have given Carol Lynley a gratuitous shower or pre-marital sex scene?  Is this film a thinly veiled metaphor chronicling the deterioration of Spain after the Spanish Civil War?  A lot of fun and some great cheese as Jenny Agutter and Carol Lynley always look fine for the camera.  Gore and ghosts abound, as well.  See "Dark Tower" and realize the A-Team isn't always the best choice when filming a movie.  

Vampire on Bikini Beach, Bikini Babes and Surf Hunks Shredded

Two years ago, the great novel chronicling western civilization was released, Bikini Babes vs. Vampires (to read that novel for 99 cents, click on the link).  Nothing like it had ever been seen since 1988 when the straight-to-video "Vampire on Bikini Beach," directed by Mark Headley, hit our VCRs.  Courageous filmmaking, no doubt.  Who wants flowery damsels writing love letters in our vampire fiction, when we can have nubile bikini babes frolicking, jiggling, and engaging in pre-marital sex, instead? 

A vampire is murdering surfer hunks and turning the bikini babes into his brides.  Bikini babe Kim (Nancy Rogers) loves surfer hunk Bob (Stephen Mathews).  Also along for a frolicking and jiggling good time are Kim's friends Clarke (Amanda Hughes) and Wynette (Jennifer Jostyn).  Lucky for them, as a vampire horde sucks the necks of our bikini clad damsels, Harold (Todd Kaufman) and his gal Judy (Jennifer Badham) also tag along.  See, Harold knows about the occult and can translate the Book of the Dead.  This is useful as Kim finds the book as another babe is murdered by a vampire a few feet away.  Now Kim and Bob try to figure out if this evil book has anything to do with the murders of all the bikini babes near Venice Beach.

Kim and Bob will get very close and have some wonderfully choreographed pre-marital sex. Kim, Wynette, Judy, and Kim will frolic gratuitously in the bikini shop they hang out in.  Now Falto (Mariusz Olbrychowski) and Demos (William Hoo) emerge as vampires bent on conquering the world.  Both bloodsuckers want Kim as their bride.  As Bob and Kim get closer to figuring out who the vampires want and what their goal is, the evil fiends get aggressive.  They'll capture Clarke and Wynette and string them up as playthings for their minions.  Now, the others must act and invade the lair of the undead to save their buddies.  Naturally, the bloodsuckers are waiting for them.  Bikini babes will be in much peril.  The surfer hunks will prove ineffective in combatting the undead.  Through all of that, there will be gratuitous bikini frolicking, jiggling, and pre-marital sex.

Will Kim succumb and be made into a bikini babe of the undead?  Will any of the bikini babes survive the toothy menaces?  Is this film a metaphor for the fates of young bikini babes when they arrive in Hollywood to seek acting careers?  For vicious and prurient fun, see "Vampire on Bikini Beach."   

 

Red Rooms, Evil is Closer Than You Think

It's so easy.  Identifying and crusading against evil.  The child molester...the rapist...the terrorist...the murderer...those are the bad guys.  We protect our families and avoid these reprobates.  Today we look at an eight-part TV show from our buddies at Philly Chick Pictures, which includes the ever sultry Brooke Lewis Bellas.  Stylish and probing, "Red Rooms" puts the personifications of great evils on our TV screens.  Uh oh...not so fast.  Embedded in this horrific show is something even more terrifying.  Yep, depravity and evil may be a bit more closer to all of us than we'd like to admit.  Stay tuned.

The plot?  Let's keep it short.  A reality show on the dark web.  "Live or Die" has abducted five fiends to be tried by the viewers.  Viewers will vote who the most evil of them is...and there's your winner.  Even worse...the evil winner is the only one of the fiends who gets to live.  Brooke Lewis Bellas is a Harvey Weinstein like figure...exploiter of innocent actors.  David Alpay is an assassin/terrorist.  Susan Lanier plays an evil senator who is responsible for poisoning children.  Ricky Dean Logan is a priest who molests children.  Finally, Noah Blake is a narcissistic misogynist.  We meet them as they reveal their putrid crimes.  They all deserve to die. Sadly, none of these five portrayals are much different from peeps in the real world.  Our headlines could have dictated these characters.  They'll be made to describe their crimes, confess...and if they are up top it...beg for mercy.

The peeps at Philly Chick Pictures do more than flash five fiends at us (all of them portrayed masterfully) by an outstanding cast.  The movie's special f/x and computer graphics are genius as we are sucked into the inner workings of an evil soul...you'll see.  Writer and director Joshua Butler lets us know evil is not just an outside force...but something that exists inside us and takes us over.  Uh oh again...these five characters may not be random characters. As their crimes are described and confessed to a macabre and revolting pattern develops that will jar you from your comfort zone.  Alas, who will win the crown as "the most evil," and earn the privilege to escape execution on the dark web.

Stylish, disconcerting, and uncomfortable.  "Red Rooms" does something that many of these films stay away from.  Even though we have five fiends in front of us...Mr. Butler urges us in very innovative filmmaking, to look inside ourselves.  Exploitation and darkness, which we see on this reality show, is overpowered by a morality tale in which we may ultimately judge ourselves.  Unlike the five characters facing doom, the peeps at Philly Chick Pictures have given us all a wakeup call to examine our own souls and purge the same evil that has consumed these fiends.  "Red Rooms" is terrific horror and an opportunity to explore original f/x, and our own soul.   

In the Cold of the Night, Film Noir and Dangerous Sex

Okay...so here's what happens at the start of this film. Fashion photographer Scott (Jeff Lester) has passionate and elongated pre-marital sex with his model Lena (Shannon Tweed). Her nudity and gyrations are dramatic. He'll fall asleep and have a dream about murdering a naked showering brunette. He'll wake up with his hands choking Shannon Tweed. She doesn't mind and states, "That's okay...I couldn't breathe...but I almost came." Wonderful dialogue. Today we look at 1990's "In the Cold of the Night," directed by Nico Mastorakis.  Oh yeah...Tippi Hedren is in this one for a couple of minutes until birds scare her away...really! 

Hunk fashion photographer Scott is haunted.  He has a lot of pre-marital sex with bikini models and Shannon Tweed. Now he is having nightmares about murdering a strange beauty...strangling, gutting, or drowning...different methods but the same beauty. Guess what! As he tries to figure out who this babe is, she shows up on his doorstep. Kimberly (Adrianne Sachs) wants to know why he is looking for her. He lies of course. The two like each other and she brings him to her mansion for very steamy sex...a lot of it. He keeps having the dreams and she pays them no mind. She'll shower a lot and frolic with Scott in the pool. The two appear to be falling in love.

Shot like a film noir film, we sense Kimberly is too good to be true. The femme-fatale look oozes off her naked body. Yep...she does have secrets. Oh yeah, no surprise here...her mansion and décor are exactly what Scott sees in his dreams. The two have numerous naked and steamy scenes and Ms. Sachs has no shyness toward movie cameras. Scott's dreams get more ominous and now he begins following Kimberly around during the day.  His brain has stopped working well because he is so infatuated with the his new babe and we sense this will be toward his doom. 

Are these dreams really dreams or something a bit more devious?  Just who is this mysterious Kimberly and how did she end up living alone in the mansion? Are there really women like Shannon Tweed's Lena who value a good orgasm over personal safety...and how do we find them? This is a steamy one and delves a bit into the science fiction genre.  Watch "In the Cold of the Night" and be prepared for a long shower after the end credits roll.

Honeymoon of Terror, Newlyweds and a Psycho

Again we have one from our buddies at Something Weird Video.  Today we look at the magnum opus for the very sultry Dwan Marlow.  Who is Dwan Marlow?  You won't be asking that after seeing this film.  Sultry...perky...often nude...and a terrific skinny dipper, Ms. Marlow is an infinitely better actress than Gal Godot.  Today we look at 1961's "Honeymoon of Terror" (aka "Ecstasy on Lover's Island"), directed by Peter Perry, Jr.

As our film begins babe Marion (Marlow) and semi-hunk Frank (Doug Leith) have just been married.  The perky blonde and the drooling groom are headed to a cheap Vegas motel to consummate their vows.  In an awkward but weirdly alluring scene...they do just that.  Marion has an idea...do something out of the box.  Frank is in and next the two rent a boat, head to a lake in the country, and boat to a deserted island for privacy and more consummating vows.  Oh no!  The dolt, Frank forgot the suitcase...he'll take the boat and go back to the mainland to retrieve it as Marion sets up camp.

With Frank gone for an hour, Marion becomes the Esther Williams of the skinny-dipping category.  The blonde gives us a gratuitous skinny dipping scene and then right into a gratuitous sunbathing scene.  Enter psycho (Anton von Stralen).  A deranged rapist/murderer hiding out on the island.  There will be chasing, screaming, and more chasing.  Frank's excursion back to the mainland is prolonged by a verbose gas station guy.  Now the drooling fiend seems to have Marion, in all her nudity cornered.  Marion seems determined not to let anyone consummate anything with her, other than Frank.

Given that skinny dippers usually die horribly in these films, is Marion doomed?  Will Frank ever stop yapping and return to the naked babe he just married?  Does Marion have a prayer against the hulking, knife-wielding psycho?  Gratuitous and pure (albeit awkward), "Honeymoon of Terror" will get your juices flowing and have you hungering for more Dwan Marlow.