Hell's Caretaker, Massacre in Vermont

Vermont!  Ick!  This state should be heralded, but its looney residents do everything they can to disgust most Americans.  This state gives us the nut-ball charlatan Bernie Sanders.  The millionaire hypocrite annoys everyone who works for a living taking tons of money from Big Pharma and yelling at us for not paying our fair share. Then there is this movie.  In the 2013 Philip Cappello film, we have the most annoying killer ever put on film.  The old geyser psycho will even play the bongo drums for us as he shares stories of smoking weed and reading old porn...you'll see. In fairness to our old killer, his victims are just as annoying, probably metaphors for Bernie Sanders.  Our feature today is "Hell's Caretaker." 

There is one character we like a lot, Isabella (Aya Beldi). The exotic horror film actress who is driven into the woods by the psycho caretaker (Patrick T. McGowan) after she gives us a nice shower scene. The caretaker will knife her in the back, rape her corpse, and bury her in a dog's grave...don't ask. Okay, a bunch of Vermont hunks and babes are gathered for their 10-year high school reunion. They will meet at Sam's (Joey Mintz) wilderness house which is tended to by a weird caretaker.  He is too helpful and always quick to offer assistance and advice. The youngsters merely want to smoke marijuana as this appears to be their mission in life. The caretaker, like us, is taken with the exotic beauty of Isabella, thus she needs to die.  Then the old fellow plays bongo drums for the group and keeps killing.

The caretaker seems to want the women, which won't bode well for the babe Mindy (Alexandra Mingione) and Fernanda (Jodi Lin). Ideally he wants to capture them and keep them as pets, locked in a closet.  The babes in this one are too frisky.  Unfortunately for the babes, the guys are Vermont guys.  This means they have the manhood and vigor of Bernie Sanders.  Right...the gals are doomed. The caretaker goes through Bernie Sanders voters like crap through a goose and we are grateful.  Still, babes are babes, and with Isabella murdered and raped, we do pull for Mindy and Fernanda.

Is the murder and rape of Isabella a metaphor for what Bernie Sanders desires for the American people? Do Mindy and Fernanda have prayer to make it to the end credits with Vermont dweebs as their protectors? Is having the psycho killer bang away at bongo drums during marijuana parties Vermont's version of a horror film trope? To understand why Vermont is failing and being left behind by America's resurgence, see "Hell's Caretaker."