Tuesday, August 16, 2022

Curse of the Kraken, China's Answer to Godzilla vs the Smog Monster

Littering!  Before the global warming hoax, littering was endangering the planet.  In Japan, polluting the oceans caused the smog monster to attack the mainland.  Sadly, the warnings of "Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster" went largely ignored.  Leave it to another superpower to resurrect this important message.  As Chinese beach goers litter the ocean with Carona beer cans, sea monsters wait to pounce.  From China, today we look at 2020's "Curse of the Kraken," directed by Wu Shile.

Giant monster squids that eat beach goers and sailors!  Flying two-headed great white sharks!  Cannibal beetles that eat people!  Mutant squid-men!  It's all here.  Oh yes...sailor hunks and sailor babes, too!  A giant sea monster, a kraken, comes to shore and eats bikini babes and surf hunks.  Fast forward to a fishing vessel.  The small crew includes the brave sailor man, Jin-Dong (Yu Kehong), mad scientist babe, Jamen (Sun Xun), and sultry cook, Jong-Li (Zhang Yuenan)...and others.  The kraken attacks and infuses one of the sailors with its juice.  Now the beset sailor is a mutant squid man bent on ripping apart his crew mates.  Brave Jin-Dong defends his mates. Sadly, not all will survive.  Even sadder, the Kraken attack coincides with a pirate attack.

The pirates take over and bring the ship to a pirate island.  The place is teeming with the aforementioned monsters.  The brute pirates notice Jong-Li's big...er...smile!  Now her captive mates must bust out of the cage and protect her chastity.  They do, but here comes the kraken and mutant squid man.  Now the pirates are ripped apart and the remnants of these bad men must join our surviving sailors to battle the monsters and survive.  Uh oh...the babe mad-scientist, Jamen, has a connection with the kraken.  She is bent on killing it and knows how.  Now she must convince the surviving pirates and sailors to join her in a far fetched plan that will involve hand-to-hand combat with squid man and the behemoth squid.

Will Jamen, the babe mad scientist gain enough retribution to earn some pre-marital sex with hunk sailor hero, Jin-Dong?  Bet you never figured you'd ever hear that question!  Will the kraken be able to use its probing tentacles on either Jamen or Jong-Li?  Are they really drinking Carona Beer on Chinese beaches?  This is a fun monster movie, perfect for summer or any beer drinking party.  See "Curse of the Kraken" and see what happens when a burgeoning superpower tries to co-opt the Syfy channel movies.  

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