The Utah Cabin Murders, Psychos vs. Mormons

Perhaps there is nothing new in this brutality tale of murder and desperation.  Still, the makers of this movie have something to say, or preach, and the final 20 minutes becomes an anthem for the human soul. Perhaps out of place in this vicious work, but perhaps something that separates this psycho-killer film from other cabin in the woods psycho films.  Like it or not, there is something in this film that will speak to you, whether you want it or not. Anti-Mormons will hate it.  Our feature today is 2019's "The Utah Cabin Murders," directed by Andrew Jones.

I guess they're Mormon, a seemingly happy and clean-cut family who has rented a wilderness cabin for Christmas. Richard (Erick Hayden) is the dad, initially annoying, but he has a Herculean task...keep his family loving and assuage bitterness between his daughter Tina (Jennifer Sims) and his wife Patricia (Anna Ruben). Tina describes herself as the 'prodigal daughter,' but she may be over-stating matters.  In reality, Patricia just favors her other daughter Linnea (Tiffany Ceri).  Both blonde and beautiful daughters will be unequally loved by mom, until Hell comes to visit. To make matters worse, the mom, Patricia, is having a crisis in faith...seems she's upset that there are hypocrites in the church (Yawn!).

Enter two escaped convicts, Taylor (Lee McQueen) and Ed (Derek Nelson). They are pure evil and break into the cabin and initially hold grandma (Lucy Aley-Parker), Patricia, and Linnea hostage.  They ruthlessly execute mom and grandma.  Now Richard and Tina arrive home and these two will now be drawn into a veritable hell. Meanwhile, two cops, Sheriff Redwood (Dennis Farrin) and Deputy Wilkes (Jason Homewood) are wrestling with past demons as they will get the call to respond to the cabin. Taylor and Ed are brutal psychopaths who look at the blonde sisters with rape in their minds.  Can any of this end well?  Now there's the relevant question.  

Enough of the plot.  The real questions posed by this film will be ignored, but for the faithful among you, you'll harp on them.  Will Redwood and Wilkes be able to respond in time to save any of this victimized family?  Will Taylor and Ed carry out the sexual assaults on the blonde daughters? Is hypocrisy merely a red herring used by Patricia to mask greater sins?  This one won't get a lot of love, but for the more devout among you, see the brutally explicit "The Utah Cabin Murders." 

Clown Nightmare, Greatest Clown Horror Film Ever

Yep, the greatest clown horror film ever!  Most of you will agree that Stephen King's "It" movies were over-rated and dull. "The Terrifier"?  Yawn!  However, the apocalypse and a re-imaging of an H.G. Wells classic, with a big dose of creepy added?  Now we are talking. Also, the sultry Tucky Williams as a babe laboratory assistant, clad in a white lab coat, boots, and wielding heavy firepower is something that will inspire you forever.  Our feature today is the micro-budget "Clown Nightmare," directed beautifully by Mark Holmberg.

Mark (Holmberg) is the videographer for mad scientist, and H.G. Wells wannabe, Jerry (Jerry Williams). Jerry has invented a time machine, or at least that is what he thinks it is.  His beautiful lab assistant Tucky (Tucky Williams) joins him as they are about to fire it up.  Oops!  Yeah...not quite a time machine.  Instead of sending the crew to a different time, the machine opens up a portal to a clown universe and creepy clowns, by the millions come through. These bug-eyed weirdos are ominous and terrorize the Earth as they take it over.  Todd (Todd Burrows) joins the crew, and so does BDSM actress Penny (Penny Abney), who uses a paddle in her work. Now the clowns converge on the film studio sending the surviving earthlings into underground tunnels.

Okay, the survivors are separated but get away.  Now Todd, Mark, and Jerry are trying to get back to Tucky...who loves shooting machineguns at clowns...who doesn't?  Penny?  Clown food, sadly. Never mind Penny, Kayla pops up!  The perky blonde also loves shooting machineguns at clowns.  We like her a lot, and you will too. The clowns are ominous and like cockroaches...they get in.  A master wizard clown appears and seems to be able to transcend the time and space continuum, or something like that.  Now Jerry has to work fast.  He needs to use his mad scientist brains and invent something to close the portal and get rid of all the clowns before the military nukes the whole country.

Will Tucky and Kayla get into a catfight or have a make-out session?  Will Jerry adjust his time machine controls to get rid of the clowns?  Are the clowns just a metaphor, and a weird foreshadowing of the soon to emerge Biden Administration?  This is a good one and Tucky Williams' character is one that you will take a liking to from the start.  For some good clown carnage, and realistic end-of-the-world drama, see "Clown Nightmare." 

Star Time, A Slasher Born from TV

What do you get when we mesh "Videodrome" and "Henry: Portrait of s Serial Killer"? Yep, today's feature.  The two aforementioned 1980s horror classics obviously inspired this 1992 offering that may be the magnum opus of John P. Ryan.  This fable is convicting and perhaps talks to all of us about what our minds do when deluged with the nonsense we watch every week on the tube.  Madness and gratuity abound, and some of this film will break your heart.  Let us look at "Star Time," directed by Alexander Cassini.

Uh oh...Henry's (Michael St. George) favorite TV show, "The Robertson Family" is ended by the network.  This show was not a mindless sitcom to Henry.  The characters were real and in his mind, his family. The mentally unstable Henry has only one friend now, his social worker/therapist, the nubile Wendy (Maureen Teefy).  She does not really have an understanding of this cancelled show or what it means to her patient's psyche.  Sadly, she'll find out.  Now, Henry is about to commit suicide when the head of "The Robertson Family," the dad (Ryan) shows up and introduces himself as Sam.  Sam is distraught too but more philosophical.  He convinces Henry not to end it all and instead to make something of himself in show business.  Become someone important.  Be significant.  Matter.  Yep, you guessed it, a serial killer.

Sam fixes Henry up with a hatchet and a baby mask.  Soon, after dozens of murders, Henry will be known as "The Baby Mask Killer."  He preys on families who are watching TV.  In Henry's mind, as coached by Sam, he is making his victims important by allowing them to be covered on the evening news.  Being on TV is akin to immortality.  Now Henry is immortal and loving the fame.  Poor Henry, his sense of reality was never there.  Even sadder, the pretty Wendy has no idea the level of Henry's delusion and paranoia. With hatchet in hand and mask on his face, Henry sets out to win over Wendy and also to introduce her to Sam.  Sam is not pleased that now he will have to share Henry with this babe.

Is Sam real or just part of Henry's insane brain manifesting itself as his new buddy?  Will Wendy be able to figure out Henry's true level of madness before meeting a hatchet in the head?  Is this film an accurate metaphor of what TV has done to the past three generations of Americans?  Heartbreaking, with an astronomical kill count, and difficult to watch, this is a splendid slasher film and Mr. Ryan, Mr. St. Gerard, and Miss Teefy all turn in stellar performances.  See "Star Time" and evaluate what your favorite TV show is doing for you, or to you. 

Blood Sabbath, Nude Witch Babes Dance and Frolic

Yep, the highlight of this film is babe witches dancing in the nude. A lot of jiggling and wide steps. No, not the remake of "The English Patient," but a drive-in quality horror/exploitation film from 1972. No hag-type witches here, no way!  These witches could have been drawn from the LA Ram cheerleading squad, and are very perky. Plot? Of course...and shouldn't more plots be full of naked babes dancing and frolicking?  Our feature today is "Blood Sabbath," directed by Brianne Murphy.

David (Anthony Geary) is a PTSD (in the early 70s, we called this 'shell shock') ridden Vietnam vet, just back home. Now he's a drifter with a guitar until naked hippie-chicks try to rape him and steal his guitar. Left for dead, the sultry water-nymph-witch Yyala (Susan Damante) arrives and cares for him. The two fall in love but the nymph tells him she can never be with a man who has a soul. Thus she leaves. Distraught, David desires to lose his soul and meets hermit Lonzo (Sam Gilman). He tells David to forget about all this as no good can come of it. David is in love, though, and is determined to lose his soul so he can be with Yyala. Turns out Yyala is part of a coven of nude and dancing witches headed by Alotta (Dyanne Thorne). She wants David, too. 

So here's the deal. The witches sacrifice a child on the altar every year and in return the neighboring town has a great harvest. This agreement is satisfying to everyone except a moralistic priest (Steve Gravers). Now David asks the priest how he can lose his soul.  This does not produce productive dialogue.  Now David finds Alotta and demands she take his soul so he can be with Yyala.  Alotta is a sly devil and has a plan in which she herself will end up with David and Yyala will be banished.  Ignorant of Alotta's treachery, David agrees to a blood rite which will include a lot of nude dancing.

Will David and Yyala be given to one another by Alotta, or will Alotta fool both of them? Will there be an epic catfight between Alotta and Yyala with mud pits and Jell-O?  Are these witches a pretty good metaphor for babes in general?  See "Blood Sabbath" and get your fill of nude dancing and jiggling.

Shriek of the Sasquatch, A Malaise in Bigfootville

1979, a malaise has overtaken America, or at least President Carter had told us. The idiot from Georgia staffed his administration with incompetents and crooks and confessed to lusting for babes that were not his wife.  The Islamist Revolution was born and the Soviets entered Afghanistan...all the while Carter told us to turn the lights off. Today we have a film set in 1979, and filmed like a low-budget drive-in.  It is also a deceptively terrific film that features one of this blog's favorites...Sarah French!  Throw in gore, pre-marital and very gratuitous sex, and dismemberment and we have 2011's "Shriek of the Sasquatch," directed by Steve Sessions.

They're so cute...Nick (Danny Versiga) and Julie (French), on a road trip in his Dodge 442. Near Biloxi they stop in a town and unbeknownst to them, Bigfoot has also settled in the woods there. Bigfoot has begun his homicidal spree and he initially focuses on babes and hunks in the woods getting nude and sometimes having pre-marital sex. He'll swat their heads off, claw up their abdomens, and eat their insides...a metaphor for the Carter Administration?  Meanwhile, Julie gives us a gratuitous yellow bikini modeling session. With severed heads popping up, Deputy Hobbs (Todd Cockroft) is on the case and is apparently a believer in our cryptid. Through some unfortunate circumstances, and a broken down 442, Julie and Nick are stuck in town.

Bigfoot continues his rampage and Mr. Sessions has given us some nice cheese as Bigfoot fodder.  A sultry hitchhiker (Deanna Meske) and a underwear clad Disco babe (Alice Ford) are two victims in scenes that will break our hearts.  Yep, you guessed it, Julie and Nick will not be immune.  They'll come face to face with the thing in an incredibly frightful and gory series of scenes.  Julie, the nubile babe, now out of her yellow bikini, and into some denim, will be the classic damsel in distress.  Bigfoot, like all us guys, will pursue the hot blonde...but will Nick have anything to say about all this?  The ending? You'll see, but it is a neat one.

Does Bigfoot merely want love, and if so, isn't Julie just what he needs?  If Bigfoot wants Julie, where does this leave Nick?  Is this film a definitive morality statement imploring all of us to avoid pre-marital sex and nudity in the woods?  Ms. French is fantastic in this and the other actors and actresses are too.  The gore, kills, and surprises are all first-class, and Mr. Sessions does present a nostalgic look at early 1970s drive-in cinema.  See "Shriek of the Sasquatch" and enjoy Sarah French as the nubile damsel in great distress.

Half Moon, A Hooker and a Werewolf

What if "My Dinner with Andre" was a horror film...a werewolf film?  Would Siskel and Ebert have still fawned over it?  Instead of Andre, the role was switched with a sultry, scantily clad whore?  Right. Siskel would have been fine with that, but not Ebert, probably. Today we have that film. The 2010 Jason Toler film, starring the 'adult' film star Tori Black, "Half Moon." A lot of conversation, but also some passionate pre-marital sex and dismemberment.  Sounds like "Mystic Pizza, " I know!

Rose (Black) is a sultry...whore!  Her pimp Kevin (Torey D. Sutton) is a mean one and he has rules. Immediately, Rose breaks the rules, steals another whore's trick, and ends up in a motel room with a handsome guy from Eastern Europe, Jacob (Marek Matousek). They talk, and he feeds her a nice dinner.  He's mysterious and apparently part gentleman. Rose kind of likes him. When they get down to the pre-marital sex, it is the most amazing Rose has ever had. Then they talk some more and Rose finds duct tape, handcuffs, tranquilizers, syringes, and a gun in the bathroom.  Concerned they are to be used on her, she takes the gun and confronts Jacob.

Even after Rose ties Jacob to the chair, the conversation continues. Rose calls Kevin who shows up, pummels Rose, and demands Rose get the combo for this guy's safe and get out all the money.  Now Rose, with a gun, tries forcing Jacob to give her the safe combination. Jacob insists he has a condition and the money is needed to pay a doctor to cure him.  Rose is skeptical...but soon she won't be.  What happens next?  You can probably guess, but the strong part of this film is Tori Black who oozes seduction and primal bacchanalia in every scene she is in.

Will Jacob get loose from his binds and tear up Rose?  Will  Jacob get loose from his binds and make more pre-marital sex with Rose?  Will Kevin come back and force the issue?  The cheese factor is terrific in this film and Mr. Matousek is terrific as the exotic hunk with a problem.  If the cast does not talk your ear off, you will enjoy the sex, gore, and violence of "Half Moon."

Cannibal Troll, Monster vs. Lesbian Babes

As if the title did not tell you everything you need to know. This English offering decides to not only push the alphabet agenda, it also pushes every other envelope it can. This film delves in the uber-taboo and the fate of Lizzy (Megan Purvis) is one you may not believe as it plays out in front of you on the silver screen. With a cue from "A Serbian Film," our feature today presents us the disgusting and revolting...but we are endeared by the troll (Zuza Tehanu) and his plight.  Now let us look at 2021's "Cannibal Troll," directed by Scott Chambers and Becca Hirani.

Yep, a cannibalistic troll rules a section of the woods and if you wander in, he'll eat you. Before he does that he will put you through that old classic fraternity boy ritual of tying you up, and making you eat your girlfriend...or worse.  Worse? Yep. You'll see. Okay, Cassie (Georgina Jane) is about to marry a guy...ick! That's what her bestie thinks. Ava (Nicole Nabi) had a wild lesbian encounter with Cassie and wants her. Also along for a camping trip is sultry lesbian Yara (Barbara Dabson), the pregnant Lizzy, and Cassie's mom, Emma (Kate Sandison). We have already met the troll as he made some nubile babe eat her boyfriend...literally. The four go on the hike with lesbian sexual tension exploding.  Emma is naive, but Ave does hope to get Cassie back.  

See where this is going?  The troll finds them and makes mincemeat out of them with his bow and arrow and an axe.  The opportunity for Cassie to eat Ava, or for Ava to eat Cassie is right around the corner... literally...okay, and figuratively. Yara? A babe...sadly, she'll meet many of the arrows shot by the troll. Emma? Not worth mentioning.  Pregnant Lizzy?  Horrifically, the troll has unique plans for her and... well, you'll see, if you don't cover your eyes. Now Cassie has a chance to man-up, figuratively, and literally.  Ava increasingly professes her love to Cassie, fortunately the troll always comes by interrupting these scenes. Enough of the plot, when this film ends, the alphabet agenda will not be the talking point this movie presents, rather it will be what happened to the pregnant Lizzy.

Just what will befall Lizzy and her unborn baby?  Will Ava succeed in making Cassie face her true identity?  What deference will the troll show to these two babes from a "marginalized community"?  Will the social statement by the moviemakers justify what happens to Lizzy and her unborn baby?  You decide.  For a shocking and taboo film, see "Cannibal Troll."