Crocodylus, Croc-Man Eats Florida

Quirky, gratuitous, and crazy...we have a fine crocodile movie today.  In fairness to our grouchy monster, it is called a 'gator' by the insensitive characters in this film, a lot. Call a Ukrainian a Russian and...well, in a little while you might be right.  But call a croc a gator and you have a panic on your hands on the Fourth of July. A DNA experiment gone wrong. Not as bloody as when the CDC and that Fauci guy do mRNA experiments and they go wrong.  Still, in the Everglades, experimental curs for cancer are just laughed at by the reptile community.  Today we look at 2017's "Crocodylus," directed by Myles Erfurth.

Two sultry lesbian babes camp at a beautiful lagoon. They'll strip to bikinis, swap a lot of spit, feel each other up...and get eaten... by a monster, I mean! So sad. See, a weird professor (James Ferrigno) injected his son with an experimental drug because he has lymphoma.  You can guess the rest.  Now his son, now a croc monster, eats people.  Oh, if you like babes...they all will get eaten (by a croc monster) in this film. Women!  Who needs them, anyway?  Now police chief Conrad (Roberto Escobar) closes the beaches, has the coroner tell him "this was not boating accident," and incurs the mayor's wrath.  The croc monster keeps eating.  This little town has a brilliant scientist named Matt ((Nicholas Kalasinski).  He'll fall in love with a sultry blonde scientist, Ashley (Constance Payne...really). Unfortunately, they both will get eaten.  Unfortunately for Ashley...well, let's just say this croc monster still feels the need to sow his wild oats.

Okay, Jessica (Diana D'Ambrosio) is a hot policewoman, who is married to Conrad. Oh!  You won't believe her fate in this film.  Wow!  Enough of that. The croc monster eats little kids, every babe in the State of Florida, most of the cops, the mayor, and cute dogs.  Vicious.  Now Conrad has an idea.  A bad one, but it's an idea.  Sure, he bypassed 30 better ideas to land this one, but it'll make good cinema.

Will Conrad and his idea be able to murder the croc monster?  What exactly will happen to his babe policewoman wife?  Is the croc monster a metaphor for the Biden Administration's failed environmental policies' disastrous effect on the wetlands of this nation?  See "Crocodylus" and be careful not to get any ideas on how to conduct a good marriage from it.   

Teen Lust, Finally, Satan Picked On

Hollywood has had no trouble picking on Christianity.  So much so that Christians merely yawn at their efforts now. What if Hollywood throws barbs at the Church of Satan? Makes them look ridiculous while lampooning them?  This film was made in 2014 and swarms of locusts have yet to show up. Is this proof that Satan isn't as all-powerful as most of Hollywood thinks?  Throw in some virgins, hot babes (most not virgins), a sacrificial dagger, and frivolous carnality and we have 2014's "Teen Lust," directed by Blaine Thurier.

Neil I(Jesse Carere) is a hunk.  he's also shy...so sweet.  This high school student has a secret.  Him and his parents belong to a Church of Satan. The church is led by Priest Sheldon (Cary Elwes), and babe Priestess Mary (Kristin Bauer).  Neil can't go ten minutes at a time without humiliating himself in front of the hot babes at his school.  He also has secrets.  One, he is a Satanist. Two, the magic tricks he does are real. This won't help him get laid.  His buddy, the nerd Matt (Daryl Sabara) wants to help him get laid...he's also a member at the same 'church.' Uh oh...Sheldon, Mary, and Neil's parents (Jon Dore and Emmanuelle Vaugier) have been preserving Neil's virginity so they can offer him as a sacrifice to Satan, shortly after his 18th birthday.

Okay, a little late, but Neil figures this out.  Just before the ceremonial dagger plunges into his chest, he escapes with Matt's help.  His plan?  Yep...get de-virginized.  First up is his good friend Denise (Annie Clark).  This will be awkward...after all, Denise doesn't know about this Satan stuff.  Can you imagine the foreplay or pick-up line?  You'll see these in the movie. Now the entire church is after him.  On the run, Neil and Matt brainstorm about ways to quickly lose his virginity.  What they come up with will largely be unsuccessful, especially after the prostitute (Ali Tataryn) ends up being a Satanist. The Satanists control the town and Neil seems to be doomed as they converge.

Will Denise help out a friend and screw Neil?  Will Satanists boycott the film industry unless they secure promises from them to donate big sums of money and include Satanists in their films while portraying them positively...and donate to Satan Lives Matter?  Actually, this might have already been done.  Anyway, for an accurate portrayal of Satanists and their church, see "Teen Lust."  

The Bogman, Bigfoot Shreds Arkansas

I love today's movie because its a damn good movie.  I love this movie because everyone in it seems to scream, "This is a damn good movie and we loved making it!" This movie isn't one the media and IMDB tell us we need to like.  So here it is..."To Kill a Mockingbird" is garbage! "In The Heat of the Night" is so over-rated and dull!  No...no one told me I have to like 2023's "The Bogman."  I like "The Bogman" because it is legitimately a good movie and fun. Yes, this is the film that has the hit single "There's a Sasquatch in My Shower!"  "Ordinary People" did not have that song in it.  Also, this is the film where the great quote is uttered, "I'm a cryptozoologist. I'm not a priest!"  That quote can't be found in "Titanic."  So let us delve into this Mitch Laing film.  No, not Fritz Lang!

Charlie Williams (Kyle Simpson) is moving his family to Mountain Bend, Arkansas to take over his uncle's farm.  Mountain Bend is a town surviving on tourism.  Any Bigfoot enthusiast comes to that town.  Bigfoot is fake...isn't he?  That's what Charlie and his wife Toshia (Chrissy Gray) tell their kids.  Wrong!  He's real and he's vicious.  After some sightings and then much bloodshed, a cable TV program hosted by Richard Brooks (Laing) hits town.  They bring with them the renowned cryptozoologist, Dr. Martin (Benjamin Gross).  Now the crew asserts themselves into the lives of the Williams' and trudge into the woods to find the enigma.  Already, the Bigfoot (Christian Gross) has shredded some hunters and maimed some ranch hands.  It isn't done.

TV crews and posses will be torn limb from limb. Charlie joins the TV crew and Deputy Thomas (Jeff Jopling) tags along for security.  War will ensue.  The Bigfoot is hardly a mere animal.  It is intelligent and ticked off.  The big smelly thing inflicts a horror on the Town of Mountain Bend unseen since all that carnage in Boggy Creek.  Arkansas will be even more traumatized than they were when Bill Clinton was raping its babes.  Arms will go flying, heads will be pulled off, throats will be shredded, and Bigfoot will assert his dominance on the proverbial food chain. 

Will Charlie and his family survive the monster's wrath?  Is Bigfoot merely begging for understanding and respect in America in the Modern Era?  Is having a human play Bigfoot a gross example of "Cultural Appropriation" by filmmaker Mitch Laing?  Oh, before I forget, this is the film in which the lovely Bree Hill plays Bree. This is a good one...don't miss "The Bogman."

The Quachita Beast Incident, Bigfoot vs. Old Guy with Yoga Mat

Born out of the resurgence of the Transcendental movement in America comes our film today. Nature!  A lot of nature.  Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau would be proud.  So would Bigfoot.  This film was 30 years in the making...but finally after three decades, we have a story that can finally be told. Yes, you heard rumors of an incident in the Arkansas mountains.  This film explains what that incident was...and shows you a lot of nature. Today we look at a 2023 Master Hughes film, "The Quachita Beast Incident."  

Old but likable hiker (Hughes) is going into the Arkansas mountains to hike to a ridge.  It has been years since anyone has been up there. His buddy (Richard Rensberry) warns him that bear attacks may have occurred up there. Our hiker laughs at danger!  He is one of the last few real men left in Arkansas after the Clintons feminized that state.  Joining his hike is his old buddy (Scott F. Macdonald). The buddy is not a significant part of the story so we shall not mention him again.  Now our hiker, carrying around a Yoga mat treks onto an old overgrown trail.  Uh oh...Bigfoot starts following him.  At first our old hiker does not notice.  Soon he sees signs of the monster.

Soon enough, our hiker realizes he is being followed and very possibly hunted by the big hairy enigma. He'll even unroll his Yoga mat...it gets that scary.  Trudging through brush we are treated to more nature scenes.  Though the temptation to pause the film and meditate is intense, we keep watching.  Old man running through the woods of an Arkansas mountain as the hairy thing pursues.  Then...more nature.  30 years of nature, really.  Alas, a horrific conclusion awaits...okay, maybe not horrific.  A scary conclusion awaits...okay, not that scary.  A conclusion awaits.  Will there be a Yoga class?

Is this film a metaphor for the mistreatment of our geriatric population in America under the Biden Administration?  Will this film prop up attendance at Yoga classes even more than hot Asian Yoga instructors in those tight pants?  Will Arkansas' ethos ever be free of the Boggy Creek incident of the early 70s?  This is a film you must see.  Those of you who have hunted for our hairy cryptid will be able to relate.  See "The Quachita Beast Incident," and marvel how loyal it is to the book.

Asylum, Lunatic Hospital Becomes College Dorm

Ever been to a college dorm? Ever been to an asylum for the insane?  Same thing.  Sure, the looney bin may have a bit more maturity and hope for the inmates.  Today's college dorms are filled with the dregs of mankind who may escape one day and screw up this world even more. So why not merge these two in a gory and effective horror film?  Today we look at 2008's "Asylum," directed by David R. Ellis.

Six hunks and babes meet on the first day of college at their dorm. Madison (Sarah Roemer) is a babe who has issues. Her brother and dad committed suicide after claiming to hear voices. She has an instant attraction to hunk Holt (Jake Muxworthy). We find out this dashing young man is a recovering drug addict with a horrible secret in his past. Maya (Carolina Garcia) is fresh off a very abusive relationship. Ivy (Ellen Hollman) is a cutter with a ghastly past. Tommy (Travis Van Winkle) is a body builder with mommy issues. Then String (Cody Kasch), a 16-year-old computer genius. Uh oh, String finds out the dorm used to be a mental asylum for tortured teens. Back in 1935, the evil Dr. Burke (Mark Rolston) used to lobotomize the kids by sliding spikes through their eyes and into their brain.  Guess what!  Burke is back.  Back in 1935, the teen patients rebelled and murdered the doctor...but he did not stay dead.

Now Burke hunts these six freshmen one by one. He traps them in an abandoned wing of the asylum and reveals their greatest fears to them.  Out of those fears, Burke kills them in grisly fashion. The great looking freshman, in many cases, won't stay great looking.  Their unaddressed fears become their greatest enemy as Burke exploits them. The methods of killing are quite gory, and we really do pull for these six, as they are all great looking.  Now each of the students must face their fears...and battle them.

Is this film a good metaphor for what the American university system has become and what it does to the young men and women of this country?  Is Burke correct in that most college kids should be lobotomized?  Will any of the hunks and babes survive until the end credits?  This is a gory one with no humor or wit.  If you like your horror horrific with no relief, see "Asylum," perhaps not the feel good film of 2008.    

Deinfluencer, A Cheerleader, Social Media, and a Psycho

A sultry cheerleader in full costume, bound and gagged.  She'll be strung up, chloroformed, and tortured. Today we have a film that may not get much love but will satisfy those who like their horror gratuitous.  In many instances it will be difficult to watch what is done to our cheerleader damsel.  You'll wince.  You'll turn away from the camera.  The beautiful will suffer a lot...all at the hands of a madman.  Bit wait!  Is our psycho really the bad guy?  Our feature today is 2022's "Deinfluencer," directed by Jamie Bailey.

As our film begins, Kelly the cheerleader (Marie Luciani-Grimaldi) wakes up tied to a chair in a huge warehouse.  A psycho (Simon Phillips) in a mask has kidnapped her.  Kelly is a social media influencer with half a million followers.  She posts pics of her in her cheerleader outfit doing arousing poses.  Kelly's world is as phony as social media.  Now this psycho forces her to pose for the camera and post those pics.  The catch is, the madman demands a certain amount of likes in an hour or he'll take off one of Kelly's body parts.  Alas, even a sultry cheerleader doesn't always hit her like goal. The madman tells Kelly he wants to "deinfluence" her.  Save her from her phony world of being an influencer.

Kelly is at the bad man's mercy.  Her tormentor is a man of his word and when Kelly fails at the goal he has set...well, he performs an operation.  So sad.  Now Kelly decides to say no to her abductor and accepts her fate...to be slaughtered.  The psycho is one step ahead of her.  He has abducted another babe, Jill (Anne-Carolyne Binette). Realizing she needs to hit the ambitious goals set by a psycho, Kelly gets more gratuitous and sexual in her poses...even bringing Jill in for some steamy kissing.  Alas, there is no beating the addiction to social media...and this is one of the points our psycho is driving home.  As more surgery occurs, Kelly is running out of body parts before her face will be the next donor.  Now she toughens up and plots escape. 

Will Kelly keep enough of herself to be able to mount an escape attempt?  Just who are these babes that are also captives and can they be trusted?  Is our psycho's goal a noble one?  Hard to watch at times, and preachy, but perhaps the preaching is something we can all take heart in.  Stay off your social media for a couple of hours and take in this moralistic and vicious horror film, "Deinfluencer." 

  

St. Patrick's Day: The Sluagh Awakens, Folk Horror Irish Style

We have it!  A Saint Patrick's Day movie for the second half of the double feature with "The Quiet Man." Sure, the old John Wayne film had Maureen O'Hara...what a babe.  But our feature today has gratuitous nudity, blood soaked nude babes, virgin babes in much peril, and a lot of pints downed at pubs.  It'll be bloody, babes will suffer, demons will inflict carnage, and through it all...the Irish among us will celebrate with Guinness and Bailey's.  Today we look at 2022's "St. Patrick's Day:  The Sluagh Awakens," directed by Eddie Lengyel. 

Collin (Roger Connors) and his wife ignore the advice of Jack (Don Kilrain), an Irish barkeep, and take a night stroll into the woods under the Hell Moon...or Were-Moon...or something like that. Yep...a vicious demon attacks and rips apart Collin's beautiful wife.  Seven years later, an Irish festival occurs in this town.  Jack is happy, drunk, and drinking Guinness and smoking Irish weed.  His idiot nephew, Pierce (Tim Hale) comes to town with his sultry non-virgin GF, Tara (Quinn L' Esperance) and her sister, the virgin Liv (Morgan Paige).  The virgin has great cleavage and her sister hates her for it. Also coming to town is Collin.  Collin desires to seek out the demon that murdered his wife.  He'll bang an Irish whore and then arm up.

The demons converge on the town.  Uh oh!  They want a virgin.  The head demon has a cast of hundreds fighting for her. Brutality will take place as the demons kill most of the town and convert them into junior demons.  Heather (Jenny Boswell), a babe waitress...also a virgin...will join Jack and Collin in fighting the demon scourge.  The demons have the upper hand as they have entranced the cleavage...er...the virgin Liv and seek to sacrifice her under the weird moon.  Now more carnage, nudity, and gore will be thrown at us.  Many of the beautiful will die horribly, but our team will do their best to preserve Liv's virginity and rid the woods of this Irish demon.

Will Liv's virginity be preserved?  Could this have all been prevented if Jack or Pierce...or Collin, de-virginized her midway through the film?  Will Tara and Liv engage in a catfight as Tara continues her jealous tirades when the demons don't want to sacrifice her?  To understand Ireland and the Irish people, you must see "St. Patrick's Day:  The Sluagh Awakens."  Sit down with a few pints and some corned beef and enjoy a bloody horror film with a lot of nudity.