Varsity Blood, Cheerleaders and Jocks Die Horribly

Beautiful cheerleaders die horribly, but not before providing gratuitous shower scenes, gratuitous strip scenes, gratuitous scenes in pink undies. Hunk jocks die horribly, but not before some gratuitous ab shots, gratuitous grunt shots, and after groping and feeling up the aforementioned soon-to-be-dead cheerleaders. In 2014's "Varsity Blood," director Jake Helgren brings us back to classic themes and plot devices from 1980s slasher films. Today we look at this morality tale that show us what could happen to you handsome and pretty youngsters if you drink alcohol, do drugs, and engage in pre-marital sex...or take a probing shower in front of the camera.

The nubile and perky Hannah (Lexi Giovagnoli) arrives in town after the horrible death of her dad. She immediately makes the cheer squad at high school. Her backstory isn't the only sad one. A year earlier the beautiful cheerleader Ginny (Chloe Evans) was killed, and the other cheerleaders may have been responsible. Uh oh...Hannah doesn't know this and when Ginny's boyfriend escapes from a lunatic asylum, he heads back to town. The pretty Diane (Elle LaMont) will be the first to go as she showers in the locker room. A tomahawk wielding Aztec priest finds her and offs her. Okay, Tina (Natalie Peyton), the head cheerleader arranges a Halloween party at a secluded abandoned house...bad idea.

Beer and drugs will be supplied by the football jocks and Hannah must disobey her weird mom (Debbie Rochon) to attend. Hannah's boyfriend Blaine (Blair Jackson) is a two-timer and Hannah will dump him at the party, enabling the seemingly clean cut Jeff (Wesley Scott) to move in. Also moving in is that Aztec priest. The fiend also has a bow and arrow and as Vickie (Taylor Moessinger) and Peter (Manuel Chapa) have pre-marital sex in the bed of a pick-up, he slaughters them. As beer and drugs permeate the party our Aztec priest goes through cheerleaders like crap through a goose, and jocks too. Pretty Heather (Elyse Bigler) will have the most heartbreaking death. The pretty blonde will get a pitchfork in the gut after varsity heroics. As Hannah and Jeff team up to save their pals, the Aztec priest seems unstoppable.

Who is this Aztec priest and what connection does he have to the cheerleading squad? What tragedy befell Ginny last year, and are the rest of the cheerleaders doomed to fall to someone's twisted revenge?  Will there be a final cheerleader or is no one too beautiful to die? There is plenty of cheesecake and beefcake in this one, and most of them will die horribly. With much gratuitous cheerleader scenes, illegal drinking and drug use, and beautiful teens behaving badly, the Aztec guy may be an angel of morality...or not. For a terrific slasher film, see "Varsity Blood."

Rave Party Massacre, Machete Wielding Fiend in 1992

You remember the horrors of 1992...don't you? Oh come on...the killings in Guatemala...you have to remember those? No!?! Well how about the little boy and the dog that got gunned down? What!? You don't remember? Oh come on! People were dying in the streets! Well, just go with it, as does 2017's "Rave Party Massacre" (aka "DeadThirsty"). This bloody slasher flick, which utilizes an ax and a machete, is steep with irrelevant political commentary that will bore you, but also rife with gore and gratuitous sex...so enjoy this Jason Winn film.

Skipping all the 1992 politics, let us focus on the slasher film. The very perky and scantily clad Rachel (Sara Bess) and her dolt boyfriend Branson (Jared Sullivan) are arguing as they arrive at a rave party at an abandoned hospital. Immediately they down ecstasy and Rachel begins dancing and having sex with a stranger Thomas (Pedro Paulo Ferreira). Fair is fair, Branson begins dancing and feeling up a stranger, Clare (Melissa Kunnap). Rachel in her sexy get-up is indeed the belle of the ball. Fast forward, they all wake up the next morning dazed and confused...and Rachel is panicked to be in a draw in the hospital's morgue.

Uh oh...a masked man carrying a machete is following them. Then they meet Phillip (Evan Taylor Williams)...he doesn't fit in with the rave crowd, but he is the only one with a brain. Doesn't matter, they'll split up (always a good idea) and one by one fall victim to the machete and ax wielding maniac. Blood will flow freely and the gore will be steeped on high as the idiot ravers, obvious victims of the cruel George H.W. Bush Administration (that will be thrown in a lot), will be chased and cut up...one by one. As the nubile and scantily clad Rachel keeps running and screaming in utter horror, our fiend seems to have some twisted method to his madness.

Just who is this masked fiend, and what does he have against ravers (other than the obvious stuff)? Who is this guy Phillip, and will he enjoy pre-marital sex with either Rachel or Clare? Is George H.W. Bush's 1000 Points of Light the true killer here (don't laugh...this film goes there)? It is terrific to see a modern day slasher film that utilizes machetes, axes, and throws gallons of blood at us. For a good time, ignore the social commentary and enjoy a good slasher film, "Rave Party Massacre." 

The Great Texas Dynamite Chase, The Great Claudia Jennings!

Claudia Jennings!!! Yes!!! Alas, an  American tragedy, but an eternal gift to B movie and exploitation fans. 40 years since her untimely and tragic death, she lives on. You may best remember her from "'Gator Bait" but in 1976's  "The Great Texas Dynamite Chase," we see Claudia as a femme- Burt Reynolds in drive-in form. She'll be nude a lot, have some orgy scenes, traipse through Texas in neat cars, carrying dynamite, robbing banks, and always looking sultry. Perhaps an improbable plot, but no more improbable than Jeffrey Epstein committing suicide in his cell.

Candy (Jennings) busts out of prison and immediately grabs some dynamite to use to rob a bank. She gets away with lots of money and gives it to her family so they can pay their house off. A modern day 'Robin Hood'? Nope. Now on the run she quickly picks up Ellie Jo (Jocelyn Jones). We first meet Ellie Jo while she is nude in bed and she'll be nude a lot. Ellie Jo sees Candy as the woman she seeks to be and convinces Candy to adopt her as a partner. The two will now pull off bank heists with the dynamite and every cop in Texas is now looking for them.

All goes well and this is starting to resemble a 70s Burt Reynolds film. The gals will have lots of pre-marital sex and be nude a lot. There will be a hot tub orgy and Candy will even have sex while buying dynamite. Uh oh...the gals continue robbing banks and the cops are getting more serious... their pistols have been holstered and the shotguns are now wielded. Instead of a Burt Reynolds film, now our femme-fatales seem to be in a "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" type film. You know what that means...the Bolivian army certainly does. The gore creeps in, people begin dying horribly, and the cops are not smiling. It is apparent that Texas and their law enforcement are done playing the patsies, and Candy and Ellie Jo sense the coming carnage.

Will Candy and Ellie Jo go down like Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid in that aforementioned film? Are these two sexy bandits too pretty to get their...er...faces blown off? Is the desire to see the establishment humiliated a theme, big in the 70s, back visiting us here in 2020? Claudia Jennings is sultry and her personal story is captivating.  Ms. Jones is a sultry counterpart to Ms. Jennings, and this film is heavy on action...heavier on cheese...and a terrific love letter from Ms. Jennings to all her adoring fans. Do yourself a gratuitous favor and see "The Great Texas Dynamite Chase," directed by Michael Pressman.
To read a biography of Claudia Jennings, read Eric Karell's book, available at this Amazon link  Claudia Jennings

UKM: The Ultimate Killing Machine, An Army of Mutants

Be all you can be! Or, be all you can be with the injection from a mad-scientist. A little bit of this top secret serum and you too can be the ultimate killing machine. Sure, you will go totally psycho...but just think of dead enemy troops littering a desert battlefield. Hence 2006's "UKM: The Ultimate Killing Machine." After all...isn't war madness? Okay, in "The Bridge on the River Kwai," war is madness...but in "Apocalypse Now," its horror. Combine these two great war films and we have a 3.1/10 rated on IMDB gem.

Four desperate enlistees don't bode well for America's readiness. Waylon (Mac Fyfe) is a petty criminal. Buddy (Stephen Arbuckle) is a welfare loser. Carrie (Erin Mackinnon) is a runaway. Zoe (Victoria Nestorowicz) is a crack addict. The U.S. Army isolates these winners immediately and sends them to a top secret research facility where they will be..."altered." Major Blevins (Michael Madsen) heads the project. Two mad scientists will commence the experiment, Dr. Stroheim (John Evans) and the sultry Lena (Deanna Dezmari). The scientists will inject the four schmucks and turn them from losers to...well...ultimate killing machines.

Oh yeah...they won't be the first test subjects. Sgt Dobbs (Simon Northwood), a decorated veteran suffering from PTSD has already been injected. Dobbs then turned into a killing machine who rips heads and faces off army privates at this secret facility. As the kids arrive, Dobbs escapes and starts his homicidal rampage. The kids begin showing results immediately and look like they also may be becoming homicidal killing machines. As Dobbs continues his bloody rampage, the four former-losers also escape and prowl the facility's corridors looking for heads to rip off. Now the army men and scientists in the facility are in danger. But wait, Dobbs has a crush on Lena...will this mean she will be impregnated by the beast...or crushed.

What will happen when Dobbs meets his four new comrades in arms? Does Major Blevins and the mad-scientists have any doomsday plan for the facility to be enacted if the test subjects rebel? Are the five monsters at the facility a fair representation of the U.S. military's continued war on the losers of life's lotteries? Okay, that last question was out there...I admit. Directed by David Mitchell, enjoy a monsters-out-of-control-at-an-underground-lab thriller in "UKM: The Ultimate Killing Machine." 

The Shiver of the Vampires, Pseudo-Porn Vampire Flick

Kuelan Herce and Marie-Pierre Castel may be the real stars of this 1971 Jean Rollin flick. The two beauties play servants to a family of vampires. Under their spell, the scantily clad, and often nude, vixens frolic nude together, jump into bed nude with men, feel each other up, and fantasize about real men. Under the spell of two former vampire hunters, turned vampires, they serve loyally, readying tombs for vampire rites, sometimes giving their own blood, and allowing vampires to grope them. Alas, these two playful muses take us through a very erotic French vampire tale.

Newlyweds Isle (Sandra Julien) and the milquetoast Antoine (Jean-Marie Durand) are off on their honeymoon as they stop at the castle of Isle's cousins. Uh oh...the cousins are dead and the castle is occupied only by the two aforementioned babe servants. Uh oh again, they're not really dead...they are merely former Van Helsing types who are now vampires. The couple stay at the castle and Isle shows no interest in sex with her husband. Enter Isolde (Dominique). Nude a lot and emerging from grandfather clocks and chimneys, the lesbian vampire moves Isle to take all her clothes off and let the vampire feel her up ad bite her. The two cousins emerge (Michael Delahaye and Jacques Robiolles). These two weirdos love groping the servants and desire Isle to join their vampire family.

Isolde scolds the two male vampires letting them know they are inferior to her. The duo responds by ripping off her robe and raping her...she doesn't seem to hold this against them. Now Antoine, realizing Isle is under their spell, must fight for his bride. The vampires seem to have the upper hand but Antoine makes the sultry servants an offer they may not be able to refuse, Oh yeah, cousin Isabelle (Nicole Nancel)...she'll emerge as a blonde beauty (not a vampire) and immediately be offed by some of the weirdest breast carnage you will ever see.

Will Antoine be able to co-opt the loyalties of the the sultry and naughty servants and turn the tables on the vampires? Will the two naughty servants stop feeling each other up and turn their attentions to the neglected Antoine? How about Isle, will she emerge from the vampire spell and be able to fight for her life? This is a naughty one that appeals to the prurient interests of those who like their horror erotic. The two servants steal the show and give this titillating film a playful feel.

The Bride, 'Til Death Do Us Part

This 1973, you know is going to be a good one. Sure, I'll post this review of "The Bride" under that title. However, it is also known as "The House That Cried Murder," and "Last House on Massacre Street." Perfect drive-in titles. Unsettling, to say the least, this one will make you squirm and perhaps offer a stern warning to screen your potential spouse carefully. One never knows when homicidal mania or masochism will rear their ugly heads...especially in marriage.

Okay, Barbara (Robin Strasser) is so in love with David (Arthur Roberts). When we meet them they are frolicking through the fields as corny love music plays. She brings him to the house she is having built for them. They intend to get married. Uh oh...we sense he isn't as in love with her as she is with him. Barbara's dad (John Beal) doesn't like David, he says "He stinks!" They get married anyway and at the wedding ceremony she catches him about to have extra-marital sex with his old flame, Helen (Iva Jean Saraceni).Barbara flips out, grabs some big shears and tries to carve up David. He's bloodied and her dress is stained blood...but no one dies. She shrieks like a banshee and drives off, only to go missing for the next two weeks.

In those two weeks, Helen and David move in together and live as husband and wife...though they aren't. Barbara's dad is also David's boss, who claims he doesn't know why Barbara drove off. No one saw this display except Barbara. Dad appears to know more than he is letting on and hints at Barbara's criminal insanity. Weird phone calls then unsettle David and Helen then some bloody reminders appear signaling Barbara is close by and not happy at what she is watching. As Barbara, or someone (or something) goes after Helen, both cheaters are now horrified. Barbara is unmerciful and lures David to her unfinished house and...well...it is pretty icky what happens next.

Blood will spatter, axes will be swung, corpses will...well, you'll see. Just where did Barbara go for two weeks and what is her plan for revenge? Will the happy-homewrecker Helen escape Barbara's wrath? Just what does Barbara's dad know and why hasn't he fired David from his firm? The ending is shocking and perhaps for adulterers and breakers of marital vows, the fate that awaits is worse than death. Directed by Jean-Marie Pelissie, "The Bride" will cause you to squirm and maybe hold your spouse a little tighter for fear that...well, you'll see.

Play. Pause. Kill., Text Mayhem

The 21st Century! Everything is pretty much instant. With a few clicks on your phone you can have all your Christmas shopping done. Even better, a dull evening at home on a Saturday night can be taken care of with a few texts, to other peeps who also text. The era of instant gratification, sadly, doesn't apply to everything. Or does it? Hence we look at David Teixeira's 14 minute horror short, "Play. Pause. Kill."

The beautiful Julie (Anasthasia Czajka) writes screenplays. At the moment her brain isn't communicating with her pen and the words aren't flowing. She is nubile, a bit insecure, and taking a brave step as she picks up her smart phone. What is this brave step? She begins texting Henry (Lucas Dutilleul). Her  willingness to let her guard down alarms us as she seems to allow Henry to intimidate her into inviting himself over. What does she know about Henry? Not much, but he promises to bring over wine and a horror film in order to turn her inspiration on again.

In need of inspiration to finish her screen play, Julie awaits her mysterious guest. He arrives, perhaps, a little too quickly for comfort. Now he's in. He's handsome in a forbidding way, almost taboo. He has no trouble taking control in someone else's home. Now Julie may seem to be in a bit of danger...but is it real danger, or more of the kinky nature? The wine is opened and the seduction and danger flow with that red wine. Uh oh...all is not what it seems and the horror that unfolds will have you squirming.

Just what are Henry's intentions? Does the nubile Julie have a prayer of regaining control of the moment in her own home? What inspiration will be provided, and to who, during this twisted evening? David Teixeira does a masterful job yanking us into a horrific whirlpool in which our sympathies and impressions are teased and manipulated. Also, you gals will will be so attracted to Mr. Dutilleul and his forbidden performance. You guys will swoon over the sweetness of Ms. Czajka. For an alluring and shocking short horror film, enjoy "Play. Pause. Kill."