The Unnamable, Unmentionable Horror

H.P. Lovecraft has quite a name in horror, and today we look at one of his short stories made into a film...1988's "The Unnamable." When something unnamable does something unmentionable it leaves writers with a bit of a challenge. Naming it Jason, Michael, or Freddie is just too easy and perhaps a bit underwhelming. Not to worry, H.P. Lovecraft sends us a tale of some great looking college kids from Miskotonic University who will have names on their gravestones.

Howard, Joel, and Carter

Many years ago, something unnamable (Katrin Alexandre) did something unmentionable. In other words, it broke out of its attic confinement and ripped the beating heart out of its guardian. Present day, the old house is boarded up and an ancestor, Carter (Mark Kinsey Stephenson), of the the fellow who lost his heart is trying to put the pieces together of exactly what happened. His brave buddy Joel (Mark Parra) decides to prove Carter wrong about his belief the house is cursed, and spends the night there. He won't make it through the night as the unnamable fiend rips his head off.

Joel, that night

The next day, two babe Miskotonic coeds, Wendy (Laura Albert) and Tanya (Alexandra Durrell) arrive at the house with two frat-boys, John (Bland Wheatley) and Bruce (Eben Ham). They are there to have pre-marital sex, but right away the unnamable thing begins hunting and dissecting them. Also arriving are Carter and Howard, in search of the missing (dissected, actually) Joel. Realizing that the unnamable is loose and hunting hunks and babes, Carter is fortunate enough to find a copy of the Necronomicon. He quickly peruses the human skin pages for an explanation and an incantation to get rid of the unnamable. He will have to work fast as the creature has done away with the hunks and has set its sights on the half-naked skank, Wendy. As Carter desperately tries out incantations and digs up graves, the chivalrous Howard seeks to save the nubile females from the thing, which we find out, does indeed have a name.

The unnamable

What is the backstory of the unnamable? Does anyone at Miskotonic University ever major in Communications or Business? This is a fun, and very gory monster in a haunted house saga. Whether Lovecraft would have been proud of the film version of his story is a debatable point. Nevertheless, this is a fun horror film that earns a nice R rating. See "The Unnamable" and come up with your own name for a creature that rips out internal organs, cracks open skulls, and eats human flesh.

Blonde Savage, Beauty in the Jungle

Can a big snake tame a jungle vixen? This is the question we have all had to answer at one time in our adulthood. In 1947's "Blonde Savage" we will meet a vixen proficient with knives and blow-dart guns as she meets a square-jawed hunk who goes through dames like crap through a goose. The savagery and impulsive passion that occur when the two meet will drive you to the showers.

The sadly irrelevant Clarissa 

As our film begins Steve (Leif Erickson) is engaged in fore-play with the sultry Clarissa (Eve Whitney). Clarissa is a hypnotic babe who's every curve and revealing wardrobe slit spell erotic seduction. She will not be in the film past the first two minutes so we shall not mention her again, though in our minds, she leaves an indelible impression. Fast forward to the jungles of Kenya where Steve has been summoned by the evil diamond mine magnate Mark Harper (Douglass Dumbrille). Uh oh, Mark is married to the knock-out dame, Connie (Veda Ann Borg)...and wouldn't you know it, she and Steve are former lovers.

Now, that's a wedding picture!

Steve and his sidekick Hoppy (Frank Jenks) fly into the jungle in order to locate the tribe that is hampering Harper's diamond operation. Steve doesn't know Harper wants to wipe-out the tribe. The plane crashes and Steve and Hoppy are taken prisoner.  Fortune strikes, the tribe is led by blonde beauty Meelah (Gale Sherwood). After Meelah realizes Steve is not Harper, Steve teaches her a few words of English.  After Steve teaches her the words "Big Snake" she falls in love with him and he is able to figure out Harper killed her parents when she was a baby.  She even sings "Forga Dakum Baka" for Steve. The blonde baggage of TNT loves Steve and now her beau races back to Harper's compound to save Meelah and the tribe from annihilation. We'll see Meelah draw blood in rage in an epic final battle.

Meelah, the blonde baggage of TNT

Why did Harper kill Meelah's parents? Will Connie and Meelah engage in a steamy cat-fight? Just what is the allure of the phrase "Big Snake" to Meelah? This is a good one and blows any "Tarzan" film out of the water.  Ms. Sherwood is steamy as the scantily clad Meelah, and her attraction to Steve is animal-like, to say the least. For some steamy and gratuitous jungle adventure, see "Blonde Savage," directed by Steve Sekely.

Freshwater, Zoe Bell vs. The 'Gator

Fans of Zoe Bell films know that putting her up against a monster alligator is sure death for the reptile.  This tough and sassy actress will probably come out of 2016's "Freshwater" with a new handbag and set of pumps. Gator and croc films are, as far as I'm concerned, a sure bet. Fans of beauties clad in bikinis will also love this film, though every bikini-babe is eaten in this one.

Bikini babe Jamie (Donnabella Martel) is the first. She'll be pulled off the dock by the creature and eaten. Bob, the weird fisherman will be next as we will watch a giant albino gator lunch on him. No mystery here, pretty basic croc film. Uh oh, gator expert Brenda (Bell) arrives and she examines Jamie's limbs.  Her buddy, a fed. Agent Sam (Tom O'Connell) concludes gator attack.  Not so fast, Brenda has a weird feeling about this one. Brenda offers her services to Sheriff Jones (Joe Lando), and he is not very welcoming. Uh oh, some rich puke is having a party at his island and he invites a bunch of bikini babes (gator bait) and hunks.

As Brenda investigates, she is more suspicious that the carnage is being caused by something far more devious than a gator. Meanwhile, the gator also heads to the party and eats another bikini babe, Cassie (Sherri Eakin). Also at the party is Melody (Yulia Klass)...an exotic bikini babe. Who exactly is she and why does she seem hostile to everyone? The more we see the monster eating bikini babes, the more uneasy Brenda gets.  What does Brenda think is going on?  After all, we actually see the gator eating the hunks and babes.

Is there some more devious force at work in this little Louisiana town? Who is Melody, and is it a coincidence that the gator carnage began upon her arrival?  We know Zoe Bell can beat up a giant gator, but is she any match for whatever else may be going on here?  Warning, however standard this monster gator film might appear, the last 20 minutes is anything but standard.  You might figure you know who will live and die in this one, but don't wager any money on that.  For a quirky and very surprising gator horror film, enjoy "Freshwater," directed by Brandeis Berry.

Dogged, You Can't Go Home Again

Thomas Wolfe penned "You can't go home again." This brings us to Rule #11 on the top ten list of things we learn not to do after watching horror films. IF YOU GET OUT OF A CREEPY TOWN...DON'T GO BACK! Nostalgia, homesickness, and perhaps an old love do draw us back home years after we have left.  The years that go by help us forget the reasons we left. Hence the fate of a likable bloke in Richard Rowntree's "Dogged."

He's ambitious and his own man. Young Sam (Sam Saunders) left the island he grew up in to go to university, eschewing unspoken tradition. No one is supposed to leave. Time honored traditions protect and nurture the good people of Farthing Island. Uh oh, Sam is drawn back because of the mysterious death of a young pretty teen...and his crush on the Reverend Jones' (Toby Wynn Davies) daughter, Rachel (Aiysha Jebali). Reverend Jones seems to be the unofficial mayor of the island.  He looks as if he could take a confession from you in the morning and perform a ritualistic sacrificial rite on your kids in the evening.  Sam's return is unsettling for the residents, especially for his parents who he shamed by leaving.

Sam begins to ask questions about the death of the young teen. Bad move! An obvious cover-up is occurring. Meanwhile, as a secret to no one, he engages in pre-marital sex with Rachel.  Sam draws lots of scrutiny from mysterious figures wearing animal masks...never a good sign. Sam meets some horrified hippies and an apparently insane woodsman who try to warn him, but they are too ambiguous for Sam to understand. As Reverend Jones, a man with bloody secrets, finds out his dear daughter has been defiled by a university boy, he decides on a course of action which will have Sam in his cross hairs. The animal masked cultists get bolder, and Sam develops an ally, a weird hippie woman (Nadia Lamin). He better act fast as the cultists are now tasked and Rachel has been "chosen" for something.

I know what you're thinking..."The Wicker Man." The similarities are indeed there but be warned the ending is more involved and ominous.  One may argue that the social commentary in this Richard Rowntree folk-horror flick is even more biting than "The Wicker Man." Will Reverend Jones be as successful as Christopher Lee was in the aforementioned film? Is young Sam majoring in anything that could be remotely useful to him in evading a malignant cult?  "Dogged" will leave you stunned and rethinking your desire to visit the islands of the United Kingdom.  For a horrific journey in which modern progress is tormented by ancient tradition...see "Dogged."

The Creature Below, The Tentacled Menace in the Basement

 A beautiful marine biologist! A tentacled sea-monster! Oh yes, guess where this marine biologist went to college? Come on...you can guess.  That's right...Miskatonic University!  In a wonderful homage to H.P. Lovecraft, we take a look at 2016's "The Creature Below." Directed by Stewart Sparke, this film is dark, wet, and very creepy.

Olive meets the creature

Our aforementioned marine biologist, Olive (Anna Dawson) dons her specially made diving suit and is lowered into a deep water trench in the Atlantic. Dr. Fletcher (Zach Lee) believes the secret to how life began dwells in that trench. Actually Fletcher knows more than he lets on, otherwise no one would go into the trench. 1500 feet down, Olive is attacked by a huge tentacled sea monster and blacks out. When she awakes, her memory of her ordeal is gone.  Uh oh...she didn't come up alone. Nestled in the remnants of her diving suit is a weird slimy egg. After being chewed out by Fletcher, she absconds with the egg and brings it to her basement for research.

Olive losing humanity

Yep, you guessed it...the thing hatches and Olive realizes she has made quite a discovery. The thing begins to starve and Olive must figure out what it likes to eat. Of course the only thing it likes to eat is human blood. The tentacled thing begins to grow rapidly and develops a psychic bond with Olive. Olive becomes obsessed with her monster and when Fletcher pays her a visit to demand the species be returned...well...he becomes lunch. Olive comes up with a great idea. See, there are lots of inconvenient people in her life, or in anyone's life really, and her monster needs blood...so...yep, no need to say more. This weird relationship between Olive and the tentacled menace won't bode well for Olive's main squeeze, Matt (Daniel Thrace)...or her beautiful but flirtatious sister Ellie (Michaela Longden). As Olive's humanity slowly slips away, her choices for creature-food become more heartbreaking.

Ellie meets the creature

What happens when Olive runs out of inconvenient people? Will the tentacled thing ever escape from the basement? Is this the kind of scholarly pursuit which is taught at Miskotonic University? H.P. Lovecraft enthusiasts will love "The Creature Below." We see lots of the monster, and the kills can get quite graphic.  The ending will be epic and exciting. This film gets a little cerebral but for the most part serves as a nice monster-horror story.

Horrible High Heels, Shoe Making with a Human Touch

Accessorizing just right is a necessity for the modern woman. Men don't know how fortunate they are not to have to worry about belts, shoes, jewelry, etc...and their relationship, and how others see us. The right shoes with the wrong belt? That could spell doom for a female job seeker or beauty pageant contestant. Throw in cannibalistic, psycho insaniacs into this social norm and we have a gem from Hong Kong, 1996's "Horrible High Heels."

Lee being skinned

The women's shoe industry in Hong Kong is very competitive. To gain an advantage, one company figures out a way to make their shoes softer and and more chic...use human skin. This company is run by Lee and his family.  Uh oh, one night Lee is looking for funds to gamble with. The beautiful Sherry (Hsiao-Lao Lin) tries to stop him and the two struggle. Sherry is then knocked unconscious (actually, she will be beaten, stripped, humiliated, and raped repeatedly through this film) and Lee is carried off, chopped up, and skinned...his skin will then be used for shoes. Lee's disappearance is a mystery and the police get involved. Dick Wei plays the police captain...I love saying Dick Wei...DICK WEI...DICK WEI...DICK WEI!!!

Sherry after a rape

Whoever supplies this company its leather keeps doing so with human skin. Does anyone within the company know human skin is being supplied?  At first, it appears no. Tien (Lam Chak-Ming) is the hunk son of Lee. Sherry lusts for him, but Tien starts banging an exotic dancer named Wendy (Suen Tong). This is humiliating for Sherry as she really is in love with this hunk. To make matters more humiliating, Sherry will be beaten mercilessly and stripped by Wendy in a nice cat-fight.  Another uh-oh...Wendy is then grabbed, beaten, stripped, raped, humiliated, chopped up and skinned. Her skin is now used for shoes.  Sherry then makes a bargain indicating she is aware that human skin is being supplied to them. I know might plot description is a bit choppy, but I imagine that is quite appropriate.

Tien and the soon to be skinned Wendy

The plot continues as some poor schmuck tries to blackmail Sherry...guess how that goes. There is lots of skinning and dissection in this film, but also lots of misogyny, humiliation, and rape. DICK WEI as the captain has two babe policewomen who are quite proficient with Kung Fu and they go toe to toe with a small army equipped with machine guns and grenades...yes! Will Sherry's rape, humiliation and beatings spell doom and skinning for more Asian men and women? Will Dick Wei and his cop-babes get in a war with the unstable Sherry? For gratuitous Asian grind-house, "Horrible High Heels," directed by Wai On Chan and Cheng Chow, beckons you.

The Axe Murders of Villisca, Carnage in Iowa

Axe murders! Ghosts! Possessions! Welcome to the Moore residence in Villisca, Iowa. In 1912 lots of nice people were chopped up there.  Today the chopped up refuse to remain silent, much to the horror and peril of some great looking teens. By the way, if you want to go see the Moore residence, tours are still given...really.  Before you take the tour, however, be warned, the dead may have plans for you once you step through the door...hence 2016's "The Axe Murders of Villisca" directed by Tony E. Valenzuela.

Denny, Caleb, and Jess take the tour

In 1912, Reverend Kelly (Sean Whalen) took an axe and butchered the occupants of the Moore residence in Iowa. Why? Three teens aim to find out.  Caleb (Robert Adamson), Denny (Jarrett Sleeper), and Jess (Alex Frnka) are three very likable youths who have been delegated to outcast/freaks by their high school mates.  Each has made wrong decisions or endured great tragedy, but Caleb and Denny run a paranormal investigation show on YouTube. When the beautiful and daring Jess joins them the trio heads to the Moore residence in Villisca, Iowa. They take the tour, but the teens want more information. Jess has a weird otherworldly contact while in the structure, inspiring the trio to sneak back into the home at nightfall and conduct a seance with their cameras rolling...always a great idea...after all, what could go wrong?

Reverend Kelly

Possession and ghosts...malignant ghosts, I might add...rule the second half of the film. Remember Reverend Kelly? He appears to be back. The sultry Jess appears to have a connection to Lena (Madison Lawlor). Oh Lena? She was Kelly's underage object of forbidden desire...before he axed her.  As Kelly and other ghosts possess and try to kill off our trio, another ill-equipped force enters the haunted house. As our three protagonists look to be no match for the paranormal menace, Jess just may have an unexpected ally.

Caleb, Jess, and their new friend

Will our outcasts overcome  this challenge from the other side?  Is Reverend Kelly's desire for teenage girls the end for Jess?  Will the Moore residence in Villisca, Iowa pass Disney for America's number one tourist destination because of this film?  Mr. Adamson, Ms. Frnka, and Mr. Sleeper are fantastic and portray the three teens masterfully. We like this trio from the outset and plead with the screen that they survive the ghosts and axes.  Available on Netflix, enjoy three dynamic young actors in "The Axe Murders of Villisca."