Backwoods, Haylie Duff as a Birthing Vessel for Hillbillies

Head for the hills? Not if you're a nubile babe. 21% of all tourists in West Virginia, who explore their mountains, go missing. 30% of all nubile sorority sisters at West Virginia University go missing once they pledge. It ain't just West Virginia. Other mountain regions have a cannibalistic appetite for city slickers.  They also have a need to procreate with city dames.  They certainly have an appetite and urges for nubile babes with great big...smiles. Let us look at Haylie Duff's magnum opus. Our feature today is, set in the California mountains, 2008's"Backwoods," directed by Martin Jay Weiss.

Poor Gwen (Willow Geer).  Her and her BF (Jonathan Chase) are camping when hillbilly lunatics murder him, and haul her away to an underground bunker to impregnate her.  The lunatics were taken with her great big...smile. Now, eight city slickers hit the mountains to engage in a team building paintball match. Lee (Duff) and Maggie (Mimi Michaels) are the two babes in the group, and they have great big smiles, bikinis, and allure. Adam (Ryan Merriman) is hot for Lee, but John (Craig Zimmerman) is less shy and forces the issue. Perry (Danny Nucci) seems to have had military experience. The lunatic hillbillies attack. Of the eight, most are taken prisoner and brought to an underground bunker.  The guys are prepped for torture and interrogation.  The ladies are prepped for procreation. Gwen has already been viciously raped by the Chosen One, Josiah (Robert Allen Mukes). Lucky Josiah, he gets all the babes with great big smiles.

The clan is run by Mother Ruth (Deborah Van Valkenburgh). She's some goddess to the dozens who live in this bunker.  She will oversee her son as he rapes and impregnates the gals. The imprisoned men?  One by one they are tortured, some die.  Adam and Perry fight back, get loose, and go about decimating the bunker with hopes of rescuing their big smiled co-workers. Now war is taking place. Sledgehammers, bows and arrows, rifles, daggers, and grenades.  The executives from the big city put up a better fight than you would imagine.  Lee and Maggie? Josiah is excited and Mother Ruth has them tied down spread eagle on cots.

Will the guys be able to rescue Lee and Maggie before Josiah plants his seed in them?  Will Mother Ruth and Lee engage in a catfight in the mud or some of the jelly in the mess hall?  Do corporate executives from the big city have what it takes to mass murder an entire commune of hillbilly lunatics? When the hillbilly community of West Virginia sued the production company, the setting was changed to California. Yep, even the lunatic hillbilly community packs a political punch. See "Backwoods," and rethink your vacation plans to the mountains. 

 

The Medusa Touch, Richard Burton Sleeps Through This one.

Okay fine...he's in a coma. Richard Burton! The man should know when not to fool around with evil phenomena.  In this one he delves into telekinesis with apocalyptic consequences.  He did this in, what he considers his best film ever (not really) "Exorcist II: The Heretic," when he got involved with a little girl who was possessed by Satan.  Then he did it in "Cleopatra" when he got involved with Elizabeth Taylor. Sure, our film today has problems, like why is a French cop being sent out by Scotland Yard to investigate a homicide. An exchange program? Bring a Frog To Work Day? Anyway, never mind all that, we have Lee Remick in this one and we sure hope she doesn't get thrown off a ledge in a grand foyer or through the window of a hospital, like that ever happens. Our film today is 1978's "The Medusa Touch," directed by Jack Gold.

As our film begins, the serious looking Morlar (Burton) is watching men landing on the moon on his television. Disaster, the moon rocket is lost for good before landing. Then he is murdered. Someone bludgeons him to death using a statue. Inspector Brunel (Lino Ventura) of Scotland Yard comes to investigate...but he is not really from Scotland Yard...he's a Frenchie. Don't ask, and you'll be happier. During the investigation of the crime scene Morlar begins breathing. Now he's in a coma, at a hospital, displaying weak vitals except for his EEG. Yep, his brain waves are going crazy. What's this mean? Brunel is told his case is priority, even though it is no longer a homicide. He investigates. Brunel goes to see Morlar's shrink, Dr. Zonfeld (Remick), and she's beautiful. The psychologist is stunning and mysterious. Privacy rules be damned, Zonfeld spills the beans on Morlar.

Seems Morlar has come to see her because he believes he can murder people and cause disasters just by using his own thoughts...telekinesis.  Through flashbacks we see Morlar doing this to his parents, bad teachers, mean nannies, noisy neighbors, and...well...the stakes get higher as he gets older. It appears Morlar is mad at the world because of man's inhumanity to man, and war. The man just doesn't have a sense of humor. Now he is at war with the humanity because they spend so much on war and killing and less on starving needy people. The fact that needy people spend all their money on booze and drugs is of no concern to the sad Morlar...perhaps this was the theme of that Exorcist movie Burton did. Did he cause the moon landing to go bad?  Did he cause a jumbo jet to crash into an office building in London? Nah!  Nah, except for the fact that the more and more Inspector Brunel investigates, the more he actually believes Morlar's brainwaves are indeed causing natural disasters.

Will Dr. Zonfeld fall in love with the dopey French cop, or with the comatose Morlar?  Who tried to bludgeon Morlar to death at the beginning of the film?  Is Morlar causing disasters from his hospital bed? This is an enjoyable film even though Richard Burton is the weakest part of it. It is always good to see Lee Remick and we do really hope that she will not meet a grizzly demise as she did on "The Omen."  For some pure 1970s occult fun, see "The Medusa Touch."

Reeker, The Smelly Slasher

I can't imagine that Freddie, or Michael, or Jason smelled good. I know, their body odor was never a point brought up in those slasher films. These ominous machete wielding fiends never reached for the Hai Karate, or Irish Spring. Nope...their priorities were in other places.  Murdering nymphomaniac teens, many of the had it coming, and surviving for a sequel. Today's film keys in on odor. Ick. Today we have sort of a play on the "Final Destination" idea in a tale of a bargain basement Grim Reaper. Let us look at 2005's "Reeker," directed by Dave Payne.

A horrific scene begins this film with some very imaginative gore. You'll see. Then we have three hunks and two babes headed to a rave party in the California desert. I know what you're thinking...you want to see them die horribly. Okay, sure.  Trip (Scott Whyte) puts them all in danger when he robs a pusher of his supply of ecstasy. Now the mad pusher (Eric Mabius) is after them all with murder in his mind. A few weird things happen and now the six are stranded at a weird abandoned truck stop with a gas station, diner, and motel attached. Jack (Devon Gummersall) is blind and Gretchen (Tina Illman) is a sultry and exotic type. Cookie (Arielle Kebbel) is a sex-crazed beauty and Nelson (Derek Richardson) wants pre-marital sex with her. Weirdness rules. Everyone in the diner disappears into thin air and the rave enthusiasts are getting scared...except Cookie and Nelson, they are getting horny.

Two other beings converge on the plot. The ecstasy dealer and Henry (Michael Ironside). Henry is confused and looking for his wife, who also disappeared into thin air. Broken radio signals indicate a bio-attack and a big traffic accident, but nothing more. Then the reeker comes, and his smell gives him away.  One by one, in most gory fashion, the babes and hunks fall.  Smelly fashion, too, you'll see. Only Trip seems to be able to figure things out and what he realizes is not comforting. Nelson and Cookie will end up screwing, but as in all of these slasher films, it won't go well.  Gretchen and blind Jack emerge as noble sorts and we wonder why they were headed to a rave party and an ecstasy trip.

Will any of these characters survive the angry reeker?  Will Gretchen and Cookie engage in a catfight for the affections of one of these doomed hunks? Just what is the reeker, and what has it done with the townspeople? This is a predictable one, but a great looking cast of babes and hunks, and some nice gore make it worthwhile. See this, over 20 year old, slasher film, "Reeker," and remember to use soap in the shower. 

Turbulence, Hot Air Balloon Carnage

Siskel and Ebert talked about movies that included hot air balloon scenes. They agreed that none of these films were any good. You put a hot air balloon in a film and you commit box office suicide. How do you save it? You put the sultry Olga Kurylenko in it as a seductress in a sleek black dress and turn her into Freddy Kruger. Yep...it happens. Add some great death scenes, and Kelsey Grammer as an ex-pat opera singer, and we have 2025's "Turbulence," directed by Claudio Fah.

Tough year for Zach (Jeremy Irvine) and wife Emmy (Hera Hilmar). Zach, to save his company had to fire half the employees. Emmy had a miscarriage. To get back on track, the duo go on a belated honeymoon which will include a hot air balloon ride over the Italian Dolomites. Uh oh...guess who else is on the ride...Olga Kurlyenko, as Julia...looking mighty fine. The hot air balloon driver, and guide is Harry (Grammer). Julia has that look, a regular insaniac...and Zach knows. Zach has not responded to Julia's blackmail demands. See, the night before the belated honeymoon, Zach and Julia met at a bar and...well...guys will be guys and skanks will be skanks.

Four go up in a balloon...15,000 feet. Then Julia keeps subtly giving Zach messages that he should pay up. He rebuffs her. Emmy realizes something is wrong and wants Zach to tell him what went on. Harry serenades with his opera voice. Then, Julia, figuring subtlety is not working, goes all knife-wielding psycho atop the Italian alps.  Murder!  Explosions!  Collisions! Marital unrest! All, you know what, hits the fan...then it gets even worse. Even worse, Emmy demands Zach be honest with her. Uh oh, again, the skank Julia is not the only psycho on the ride.

Will Zach come clean with Emmy?  Is Julia psycho, or is there something else going on here?  Is there a catfight brewing between Emmy and Julia? This one is not for those with a fear of heights, but an altitudinal thriller in which gravity won't be anyone's friend.  See "Turbulence" and never go in a hot air balloon again! 

Bigfoot Breeds, Naked and Jiggly College Babes and Bigfoot

Ah, AI! I challenge you to watch this film and then speak ill of AI. Sultry naked college babes, or sometimes in bikinis, spanking one another, kissing, jumping on trampolines, in hot tubs, in bed together, fighting off slithery leeches while skinny-dipping, and hunting bigfoot.  Did I mention the naked college babes? Oh, bigfoot too.  Yeah, he's in this and he's horny...as are the naked college babes. Today we look at 2026's "Bigfoot Breeds," directed by Felicity Yeung.

The film begins as bigfoot (Benjamin Masters) grabs a college babe skinny-dipper and absolutely rapes the daylights out of her while splashing mud on her.  In a scene right out of the book, one may confuse this movie with Stanley Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon." Enter three college babes, the Asian Jane (Maya Ellison), Betti (Aira Blair), and Tara (Star Carroll). They seek bigfoot as Tara believes it took her Uncle Buck (Eric C. Brogan). Also in search of bigfoot is a flamboyant gay guy, Morbius (Lonny Loveless) who seeks to have bigfoot's child...sadly for him, the cryptid is probably not gay. The trio of babes kiss one another, play spin the bottle, skinny-dip, and hunt bigfoot. Uh oh...bigfoot appears to be taken by Jane. Bigfoot attacks beset babes in town and some are drowned and boiled in hot tubs, or raped. 

I don't believe I'm trying to put forth a plot description.  The scenes when the skinny-dipping babes are beset by slimy leeches all over their naked selves is priceless and gratuitous.  The same trio of babes will also be beset by the yeti up in the mountains as they ski. Morbius breaks out his Twister game in hopes of being impregnated by bigfoot who he has just captured. Babes sunbathe in the nude.  Babes engage in lesbian carnality.  Babes get bigfoot tattoos. Oh, more leeches on naked babe scenes. I could go on and on. Oh, the sultry Asian babe Jane? What happens to her will be some imagery that you will never be able to get out of your brain...eek!

How many of the babes will bigfoot impregnate?  Will the babes necessarily mind being impregnated by bigfoot?  Will leeches sliming and crawling on skinny-dipping babes be a plot device that will catch on and appear in just about every film from here on? This is a gratuitous and alluring film that gives any real man exactly what he wants and is afraid to ask for.  See the AI/real action epic, "Bigfoot Breeds."   

Dead Sea, Bikini Babes in Peril at Sea

In what, so far, is the magnum opus of the lovely Isabel Gravitt, we are treated to a tour-de-force performance, which is mostly in a bikini. Hey, I know its a serious thriller, but a bikini is a bikini, and a gory plot, and peril at sea make for a wonderful recipe. So for some gratuitous action and a gory and ominous plot, 2024's "Dead Sea," directed by Pail Volken, is a surprisingly good ocean thriller.

It begins standard enough, 18-year old Kaya (Gravitt) has just gone through personal tragedy. She goes for a day out with her bestie, Tessa (Genneya Walton). Worry not, they'll both be in bikinis just a few minutes into this movie. Good for them, they meet a couple of hunks, Xander (Koa Tom) and Julian (Garrett Wareing). The quartet go jet skiing and Xander and Kaya get close real fast and smooch...lucky him. Disaster strikes. In the middle of the ocean, Julian pulls a boner and the jet skis collide and sink. Julian is killed instantly, Xander and Tessa are seriously wounded.  With no land in sight, Kaya tries to keep her buddies afloat as the sharks near. Uh oh...the fishing vessel arrives. Kaya is happy, but that won't last long. 

Rey (Alexander Wraith) pulls the trio from the sea and soon will reveal himself to be a murderous menace. Xander, with a head wound will be no help. Rey locks the bikini babes down below and calls Doc (Dean Cameron) on the radio. Yep...Doc arrives with his surgical bag. See, organs on the black-market fetch a lot of dinero. These three great looking youngsters have healthy organs. With Tessa seriously wounded, and Xander first up on the chopping block, Kaya has to act.  What ensues is our bikini babe prepared to kill to protect her friends. She will have a tough task...as Rey is all killer and not charmed by her smooth tanned skin, slender build, and nubile vulnerability.  Not much of a war, you say? Ha! Some nifty death scenes await.

Will Kaya be able to save herself and her buddies?  Can our bikini babe, turned warrior, murder if she has to? However good a friend Tessa is to Kaya, is there a possibility we see the bikini babes in a gratuitous catfight? Okay, that last question was gratuitous and sleazy, worry not, it was auto-correct's fault. See "Dead Sea" and be pleasantly surprised at the terrific thriller this is.

Monster Werewolf, Resurgence Italian Style

"Monster Werewolf"? Wow, must've stayed up all night thinking up that title. Wonder what its about! A werewolf maybe...that's a monster? Okay, in reality, this film is called "Resvrgis." Right, let's go with "Monster Werewolf." It is from Italy and will boast of a monster...well, werewolf, and hot lesbians making out before dying horribly. Oh, those Italians. Catch it on Tubi for some creative dubbing and a babe that sounds just like Steve Urkel. Actually, the plot is interesting and the ending is most interesting. Yes, there is a catfight you will want to see.  Let us take a look at this 2023 film, directed by Francesco Carnesecchi.

A couple of years ago, Sara (Ludovica Martino) is high on cocaine and driving her buddies. In the back is lesbian babe Miri (Beatrice Fiorentini), making out with her lesbian lover. Sara gets in a head-on collision and Miri's lover is killed. Others may have been killed too. Two years later and Sara is out of prison and wearing an ankle bracelet. Bad idea...Sara's bestie Gaia (Blu Yashimi) arranges a hunting trip into the Italian mountains. Sara has not spoken to Miri since the fateful crash...and Miri hates her. Gaia is now married to Geppi (Thomas Santu), and his buddy Rino (Daniele Mariani) is with them. Oh, also with them is Miri's new lesbian lover, the sultry blonde Tea (Beatrice Modica). Yep, they'll suck face a lot. The gang will hunt wild boars with shotguns.  What could go wrong? Italians with guns? Might have been nice if they used them in World War 2...but never mind that.

Uh oh...Sara finds a diary dating back to World War 1. A deserter writes of the horror of war and changing into a monster. Uh oh, again...Sara finds a wolf mask on a ruined statue in the woods. Uh oh again...Miri wants to fight Sara, and Miri bickers with Tea.  Miri is the one with the voice of Steve Urkel. Then the werewolf attacks...it is after all...a monster werewolf. One by one, it picks off the hunters. Sara reads the diary some more and develops a weird attachment to the deserter...who we only assume died. But wait...the creature appears and it is a full blown werewolf. Now the thing wants its mask back.  Miri wants to kill it.  Geppi wants to ambush it. Sara?  Well, Sara has something going on inside her head and she is coming to grips with her guilt and ensuing weakness of being weak and apologetic.

Is Miri's hostility toward Sara merely masked lust?  Okay, probably not. Is this film a metaphor for Italy's poor military prowess at the hands of bloodthirsty enemies throughout history?  Will Miri have any chance against Sara, and her coming resurgence, in a catfight?  The dubbing may ruin it for some, but if you can get beyond Steve Urkel invading your werewolf film, "Monster Werewolf" is a neat movie. 

The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals, Ancient Egypt Meets Vegas

Finally, the greatest monster rivalry of all time! Yep, a rivalry born almost 5,000 years ago. Today we have a movie that explains it all. Don't laugh when you see the Jackal Man...it doesn't laugh at you.  Those who do laugh at Jackal Man don't live to laugh again. Back in 1969, no filmmaker was conscience of cultural appropriation. In our film today, director Oliver Drake was very aware, thus had the ancient Egyptian mummy portrayed by actor Saul Goldsmith, a true teen idol in Cairo. Our feature today is 1969's "The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals."

A plane crash is the fortune of dumpster diver/anthropology professor David (Anthony Eisley). He scavenges the wreck and comes away with two weird sarcophagus.' One is a beautiful Egyptian babe, Princess Ankana (Marliza Pos). David assumes she is dead, though the glass top of the sarcophagus shows her to be preserved nicely. The other sarcophagus contains her forbidden lover , now a decrepit smelly mummy (Goldsmith). David translates a curse, yep...whoever is in the presence of these sarcophagus things will be stricken with the curse of the jackals. David, kind of doesn't believe it and has his buddy Bob (Robert Allen Browne) and his model GF Donna (Maurine Dawson) lock him in the cellar with these things overnight. David figures if he stays overnight with these Egyptians, he can disprove the curse. The things, by the way, are hidden in his basement. The night comes and David turns into jackal man.

Jackal Man kills some cops and chases a drunk. David wakes up and does not remember turning into Jackal Man. Uh oh...Ankana wakes up and is thrilled to be in Vegas instead of ancient Egypt. Now David dresses her in modern clothes and brings her on a double date with Bob and Donna.  Ankana captivates and entrances. Uh oh...Ankana's smelly lover wakes up and leaves his sarcophagus. It wants Ankana and is a jealous mummy.  The mummy will meet showgirls and strippers and murder them. Now midnight arrives, and during the date, David turns into Jackal Man in time for the arrival of the smelly, misogynistic mummy. What happens next will shock you. Oh!  I forgot to mention, John Carradine!  He's in this.

Is there a catfight brewing between the blonde Vegas modal Donna and Ankana? Will Jackal Man and the mummy engage in a smelly fight to the death? Just what does John Carradine, who is big in Egypt to this day, add to the plot? This is a good one, and remember...do not laugh when Jackal Man appears. That would be a cultural slur against the fine people of Egypt that still fear this aberration of nature. See "The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals," and don't even think of laughing at Jackal Man.

Spasms, Big Snake Finds Babes

It is a good thing that it did.  The bikini babes, and nude blonde in the shower give this one some merit.  Peter Fonda, Oliver Reed, and the grouchy leading lady certainly do not. The monster snake? When the f/x people mail in their effort...sad. Today we have what appears to be a made-for-TV movie, but isn't. A high death count and some thrown in scenes of nudity and various babes in peril highlight 1983's "Spasms," directed by William Fruet.

In a remote island in Micronesia, billionaire Jason (Reed) is almost killed and left paralyzed in a hunting expedition for a god snake. His brother is killed, and now his ravishing niece, Suzanne (Kerrie Keane) lives with him at his mansion. Another expedition captures the snake and sends it to the US, as contracted by Jason. Uh oh...Jason has a telepathic relationship with the big serpent, and hires Thomas (Peter Fonda), an ESP  researcher, to study it and figure out why Jason can see what the snake sees when the snake kills. Of note, a snake cult also seeks this snake. Sadly the cult is mostly a red herring and of only significance when it botches a theft and setting the snake is loose in southern California. I know, we are cheering for the snake. Jason makes no progress but the two babes in his lab will eventually be murdered by the thing.

Allison (Laurie J. Brown), a lab tech in Thomas' lab, is followed home by the snake and grabbed by the snake, and thrown into the shower with the naked babe Sharon (Sandra Awalt). The scene is priceless. The snake also converges on a bikini babe (Moira Shone), but allows her to live. Suzanne yells at people and we do hope she gets it. Thomas romances Suzanne, but for the life of us, we don't know why...maybe he likes to get yelled at.  The snake cult does nothing of any significance, and Jason goes into trances and watches nude or scantily clad babes as the snake nears them. The cops yell at Jason and ask him to tell them where the snake is.  Suzanne yells some more, and Thomas keeps trying to get in her pants. Maybe he surmises that all Suzanne needs is a good...recreational outlet.

Will there be a showdown between Jason and the snake?  Will Suzanne be clobbered in a catfight by the surviving babe in the white bikini (see above pic)? Does Oliver Reed have a Freudian hang-up about big snakes, as he would also star in "Venom" with Susan George, who plays a kinky French maid? Sadly, "Spasms" works on a MST3K level, but for some good cheese, a grouchy leading lady, and wooden performances by Fonda and Reed, see this film. 

Tropical Parasite, Sultry and Nude Asian Babes in Peril

Sometimes they have some nice bikinis on...usually they are just nude. Asian babes. Thai? Indonesian? Filipino? Doesn't matter. Sadly, these babes are in peril from slithery parasites that slither all over their shiny tanned skin, or infest their innards. When its not parasites that are troubling them, its probing tentacles form sea creatures that would even make HP Lovecraft blush. No, not a story from Jane Austen but some imaginative deviance from Jared Masters. Our feature today is "Tropical Parasite." Okay, AI is used in this one, but Mr. Master's use of AI is better than any Stanley Kubrick film that doesn't use AI.

As our film begins, Asian babe Orange (Ryza Mae) wades in the surf. She is trying to get the attention of her beau Leo (Masters). Instead, parasites bore into her and infest all her organs. Such an erotic death. Leo is a treasure hunter and is in The Philippines to seek treasure.  Uh oh, he has caught the eye of Zun (Jassmin Roxas), a creature that can take human form, and what human form she can take! Total Asian babe! Mermaid! Leo falls in love with her. Zun has a problem, the goddess of the sea, another naked Asian babe Arisara (Althea Lacson) rules Zun and her equally nude and beautiful sisters. She will not let them fall in love with humans. Leo has another problem, the Filipino authorities are corrupt and do not want him looting the country's treasures.

A chase scene ensues and half of Manila goes up in flames...TYSM AI! It may have been AI, but more exciting than anything in "Avatar" or "The Devil Wears Prada 2." Anyway, more naked Asian babes in the sea...in Leo's bed...washing dishes...on the phone...or being infested with little slithery creatures in the surf. Leo is right out of a Film Noir film and his cynicism and eye for trouble does not prevent him from engaging in pre-marital sex with human or sea creature. Okay, Arisara gets stronger and the babe will manifest tentacles that will provide difficulty for the more nubile of sea creatures, or the mermaid things. Leo must act and that means a confrontation with the great tentacled beauty.

I know what your asking, is this film a reimaging of the Guy de Maupassant story "Flowers for Emily"? The de Maupassant influence runs through the works of Jared Masters, except Masters utilizes naked Asian babes a lot better...as de Maupassant merely objectifies the Asian babes. In any sense, face it, you want naked Asian babes jiggling around, in the surf, or in the kitchen, so do yourself a favor and see "Tropical Parasite" on either Fawesome or Plex streaming services.      

The Night Digger, Spinster Horror

They're all lunatics!  Every last one of them.  Yep, there is one who is more of a lunatic than the rest.  Hence a horror film from England.  But wait...and you'll have to.  If it is a horror film you are looking for, you'll have to wait a bit through the tortured plot. Tortured?  Uncomfortable, maybe.  Awkward, have you. Anyway, when we look for final girls we don't look for the middle-aged Patricia Neal. Let us look at a horror film that will make you squirm...for various reasons.  Our feature today is 1971's "The Night Digger," directed by Alastair Reid, and music composed by a Hitchcock favorite, Bernard Herrmann, and co-written by Roald Dahl.

Maura, having survived an aneurism, is a hobbling spinster. She works two hours a week helping stroke victims at the hospital, and she does it well. The hospital wants her full time and Maura desires this except...well...her real job is 24/7 taking care of her blind, invalid mother Edith (Pamela Brown). Edith is demanding and enjoys having Maura serve her all day.  Edith reminds Maura that she has taken care of her for years and now its Maura's turn. They two old women live in a cavernous and falling apart mansion that needs total maintenance. Thy will take in a boarder, but when a guy recommended at church falls through, the handsome stud Billy (Nicholas Clay) shows up with his motorcycle. Billy? All he wants is room and board in exchange for fixing up the mansion for free. Edith is all for it, Maura is skeptical. Edith makes all decisions and gives Billy Maura's pristine bedroom, and now Maura can move to a cot next to Edith's room.

Okay...so here comes another plot device...the priest (Peter Sallis) is going to have his tally-whacker cut off because he wants to be a woman.  The magnanimous guy that he is, he will give it to his wife (Yootha Joyce) so the doctors can sew it onto her and she can become a man. Let's not dwell on this point and get back to Billy, Maura, and Edith. Maura begins to get a crush on Billy, but Billy is not into women 30 years older...not yet. Edith sees Maura getting attached to Billy and now sees Billy as competing for Maura's attention...and wants him gone. They bring Billy to church and Billy sees the sultry Mary (Diana Patrick). What follows are numerous ominous rapes and murders.  The scenes are drawn out and heartbreaking.  Apparently Billy has a problem with sultry babes...so naturally he...well...you know.  You think you know what follows? Ha! It won't be easy to watch, I assure you.

Will Maura and Edith figure out they have a veritable Ted Bundy under their roof?  If they do figure it out, will they necessarily want him gone?  Will Billy's proclivity to rape and murder babes make him more attractive to the spinster Maura?  This is a weird quirky one, and again, I caution you the rape, torture, and murder scenes are hard to take.  For a nasty one with excellent performances, especially by Patricia Neal, that will leave  you in need of a shower to get the grime off, see "The Night Digger."   

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, High School Juniors Shredded

All the boys? Apparently not Johnny Depp. Poor Amber Heard.  That big lawsuit hit the media at a time when #MeToo was beginning to lose all credibility.  Exposed as a fraud and an extortion ring, #MeToo had its day in the limelight, but it was short.  Like Black Lives Matter, the lie was not sustainable. Hence Amber Heard was humiliated and is now looked upon as a joke. Today we have her magnum opus, a weird, twisted, awkward, and pretentious slasher film that has not  aged well.  Lets us look at the grainy and uncomfortable "All the Boys Love Mandy Lane." This 2006 film was directed by Jonathan Levine.

High school juniors, who might have felt comfortable in the 1986 gritty film "River's Edge," want to engage in brutal and deviant sex with Mandy Lane (Heard). The gals in class, all into body image, look in the mirror and see how inferior they are to Mandy. After a weird death (Murder?) scene opens the film, Mandy hesitantly accepts and invite to a weekend at classmate Red's (Aaron Himelstein) ranch. The high school juniors, looking a lot like 25 year olds, are all unlikable. Cheerleader Marlin (Melissa Price) is brutally honest about her intention to engage in pre-marital sex with Jake (Luke Grimes). Chloe (Whitney Able) will be everyone's favorite damsel in peril as she runs and jiggles clad in lacy pink satin lingerie. Oh, Garth (Anson Mount), is the hunk ranch hand and 10 years older than the kids, but he is the caretaker of the ranch. Mandy likes him...  He will do his best to stay away from the jailbait.

Marijuana, alcohol, and the dreaded game "Truth or Dare" amuses the kids after an afternoon of swimming in the pond. Garth? He does a yeoman's job trying to resist temptation, but Mandy bats her eyes at him. The goal of the weekend is to engage in pre-marital sex with Mandy, though Chloe and Marlin seek to screw all the hunks before Mandy gives it up to them. What follows? A killer!  Gory kills.  Heartbreaking kills.  Blood and guts.  The beautiful and handsome will suffer so much in this one. Mandy? Well, that's kind of complicated...you'll see.

Will Garth give into temptation and screw the 16-year old vixen? Will catfights occur between Marlin, Chloe, and Mandy? Who is the killer, and why is he (or she) turning a prurient orgy filled weekend into a gorefest?  This is a brutal one and not the feel good film of 2006. The cheese and beef factors are sky high as is the gore-meter.  For a real horror film that spills a lot of blood, see "All the Boys Love Mandy Lane."   

Cold Eyes of Fear, Judicial Corruption Giallo Style

Is she a whore? Yes!  Is she a slut? Yes! Is she a b***h? Yes.  But we like her 'cause she's a Euro-Babe! Sadly, we know what happens to sultry Euro-Babes in Giallo films. The lovely Giovanna Ralli plays the whore in today's film, and we really pull for her, but will that be enough to keep her alive as the end credits roll? In these Italian Giallo films, the beautiful die so horribly. Oh, by the way, those three descriptors above are thrown at her freely by every other character in this movie...but they do apply. Our movie today is the Italian film, set in London, 1971's "Cold Eyes of Fear," directed by Enzo G. Castellari.

Opening scene, a sultry whore (Karin Schubert) admires herself and feels herself up while clad in kinky black lingerie. A killer walks in with a knife, chases her around, cuts her lingerie off, and goes about raping her. But wait! The Euro-Babe grabs the knife and kills her rapist. Relevant to the film? No! But who cares?  How can this scene, right out of "The English Patient," not be relevant to this movie? We call that gratuitous and prurient. Anyway, the handsome lawyer Peter (Gianni Garko) steals a whore, Anna (Ralli), from an old bald guy. Anna is happy and Peter wants sex.  Peter brings Anna to his  uncle's mansion for drinks and pre-marital sex. Uh oh...an intruder is already there, Quill (Julian Mateos), and he has already murdered the butler.

Now  Quill holds Anna and Peter at knifepoint. The uncle is Judge Bedell (Fernando Rey), and he has already called to tell Peter to lose the whore. Quill waits and Welt (Frank Wolf) arrives. Welt is a homicidal lunatic, too, and the judge sentenced him to 15 years...15 years ago. Now out, and feeling as if he's been unfairly treated by the justice system, he plans on murdering Judge Bedell, proving his innocence and engage in some misogyny against Anna the whore. Now, to stay alive, Peter and Anna will have to work together to outwit and defeat these two psychos. Peter has intelligence, and Anna the whore has beauty and seduction. Anna will be slapped, punched, and slapped some more. Welt and Quill will become more unhinged. Peter begins to realize his uncle, the judge, may have been corrupted when handing down Welt's sentence 15 years ago.

Will Anna survive until the end credits?  Will Quill or Welt take sexual liberties with the dame they regard as a mere whore? Is there a chance that the so-called whore, or slut, emerges as the great hero and restores justice to the system, and decimates two psychos? This is an erotic and deviant Giallo thriller, and as usual, will not be the feel-good film of the year. See "Cold Eyes of Fear" and cheer for a whore.    

Lake Placid: Legacy, Big Croc Eats Hunks and Babes

You know what they say, Maine is like Africa without the glitter. Yep, a film about Lake Placid, the one from the Syfy films about a big crocodile, was shot in...South Africa. Cheaper than Maine, no doubt, and no union issues. I think this is the final 'Lake Placid' film of the series, too bad.  Syfy had a nice franchise going and always provided babes in peril being eaten. Bikini babes.  Nude babes.  Babes engaging in pre-marital sex. Oh, yes...their boyfriends also got eaten. We may have cheered for the reptile, but we always liked the cheese and beef in these films. Let us look at 2018's "Lake Placid: Legacy," directed by Darrell Roodt.

A team of five eco-terrorists, or activists, find out about a zoned off area of Maine. The government provides no information as to why it is zoned off, and our merry, but good looking, idiots assume it is because capitalist pig-corporations dumped toxic waste there. Two sisters, Jade (Katherine Barrell) and Alice (Sai Bennett) are our favorite characters. One is a reporter, the other an environmentalist activist, and both serve as our damsels in distress.  Along with them is Jade's boy-toy Sam (Tom Rozon), tech guy Billy (Luke Newton), and wise guy Spencer (Craig Stern). They get two sympathetic guides, Pennie (Alisha Bailey) and Travis (Greg Kriek) to bring them into the Lake Placid area. The team wants to uncover the secrets there and inform the world. Uh oh...no radioactivity in their readings, just torn apart eco-terrorist (or activist) teams that have beaten them to the sight. Yep...the crocodile has feasted on eco-warriors. Yay!

Now the team and guides are on the run and take refuge in a menacing looking complex that was a secret laboratory. Yep, whatever happened in that lab, over 20 years ago, bred big crocs. On the run again, the team finds a scientist, Henderson (Joe Pantoliano), who is proud of his pharmaceutical company's efforts to create a vaccine. So it created a big croc instead...it is still magnificent. Now the film is set in a cavernous facility which the croc seems to have access to all of it.  One by one, the hunks and babes are eaten.  Henderson knows a lot more than he is letting on. The babes get all wet and look good in peril as they drip cold water on the run...can't beat big crocodile movies.

Will Jade and Alice, all dripping wet and out of breath, engage in a catfight for Sam's affections? Will the gator (okay, so it is a croc...same difference) continue serving mankind and eat all of these eco-warriors? Is Green Peace all but gone today because of big crocodiles created by Big Pharma? This is actually a good one, and unlike the prior 'Lake Placid' films, this one has no humor or wit, just gore and horror. See "Lake Placid: Legacy" and enjoy another one in which we cheer for the monster...and a possible catfight.  

Hollywood Hells, Gratuitous and Bacchanal Gore and Babes

Starts off as a gore-fest and increases in intensity throughout. Yep, a gratuitous slasher film tapping on every actress' fear, and a very real one, when the low-budget production company they are acting for is a mere funnel into snuff film roles. Are snuff films real? Many in law enforcement say no.  Of course those same feds say Oswald assassinated JFK. Right! Of course, if they are real, the snuff filmmakers have a peril...they are working with dames. Never easy. Today we look at something I viewed on the streaming service Fawesome, 2026's "Hollywood Hells" (aka "Cutthroat"), directed by Ben Peyser.

Aspiring actress Vega (Fernanda Romero) is let go from the low-budget slasher film she is working on. She has a baby at home and issues related to that. Her director and producer are not sympathetic. Now with a new born baby at home, and a mom (Bertila Damas) who is sick of playing nanny, Vega needs a job. Her buddy Lupe (Bruna Rubio) brings her to a party in the Hollywood Hills where every doer and player will be there. Also tagging along is the beautiful Asian actress Leslie (Jiaoying Summers) and a couple more. Vega is out of her element as all the guys are in tuxedos and the party is masterfully catered. The hostess, Madam Gold (Helen Manassian) inspects the young Hispanic actress and then sets the room on her.  Now Vega is prepped for a screentest and she is excited.  Uh oh...it calls for her to be raped. An actor tries, and Vega slits his throat.

Bob Gold (Brian Austin Green), the head of operations, filmed the whole thing and loved what he saw. Now he plans on sending Vega to all sorts of sets to be killed or to do the killing. Vega fights hard.  Her beautiful buddies are in cages and prepped for rape and murder. Vega fights hard and even bites some unfortunate actor's tally-whacker off. Now Bob reaches out and pulls in some more leverage.  Now Vega is not just fighting for her own freedom, but the freedom of her beautiful actress friends, and her baby boy. Vega turns homicidal but there are dozens of aroused men who seek to rape her and cut her up. Bob is convinced he has found his girl, but to do what with?  With her baby being held at knifepoint, Vega grabs a sword and...well, you'll see.

Will Vega survive and rescue her baby and babe friends? Will any of the snuff film actors go uncastrated?  If Vega does survive, will she be uniquely qualified for the final girl role in any upcoming slasher film? This is a bloody one and the ending...incredibly gory...and then a post-ending that is even bloodier.  For a bacchanal orgy of babes and blood, see "Hollywood Hells" on Fawesome.  

Survive, Frenchies vs. Crabs

Today we have an interesting one from France. Set in the Caribbean sea, on a yacht...initially...all you-know-what breaks loose. Try not to pay too much attention to the annoying family, the imagery is horrific and haunting as the ocean floor becomes...well, the desert...in a matter of seconds.  Trade in scorpions for crabs, and we have a Mother Nature gone spastic film.  Let us look at 2024's "Survive," directed by Frederic Jardin.

Sweet! A rich family on a yacht.  The dad is Tom (Andreas Pietschmann), and he is an oceanographer. His lovely wife is a doctor, Julia (Emilie Dequenne). They have two teens, Ben (Lucas Ebel) and Cassie (Lisa Delamar). While yachting, the weirdness starts. Meteors fall from the sky all around the boat. Uh oh, they are not meteors. Whales do weird things. Then tons more debris from the sky. Morning arrives and the Caribbean Sea is a desert. See, the poles reversed and this caused the oceans to go inland, wipe out Miami and Cuba, and now the land is where the oceans used to be. The yacht becomes the S.S. Minnow and the skipper is dad, Tom. They reach another survivor on the radio, Nao (Olivier Ho Hio Hen). He is a few days away but has a deep sea submersible. The family will try to reach him because Nao has some weird news for them.  The oceans, currently in Miami? Yep, they'll be back soon.

Not wanting to drown, the family makes a perilous trek to Nao and his Jacques Cousteau mobile. The landscape is perilous.  Hordes!  Millions of man eating arthropods (crabs) and the oxygen has driven them ravenous. More trouble! Harpoon man (Arben Bajraktaraj) wants to murder them all, and maybe rape Julia and Cassie first. The trek will take them by beached container ships, big sharks, whales...all out of their element. The harpoon guy gets closer...and the family gets more desperate to survive.

Will the family survive and make it to the deep sea submersible?  If the seas do return, what will be the condition of Miami when they reach it? What other surprises does the ocean floor have for these survivors? This is a neat one as the ocean floor will be forced to give up its dead on full display. It won't be pretty.  For a weird one, with horrific imagery...and crabs, add "Survivor" to your next binge watching session of "Deadliest Catch."

The Curse of King Tut's Tomb, RIP Eva Marie Saint

I was saddened to learn of the death of Eva Marie Saint.  The fine actress passed away earlier this week at the age of 102. Ironically, she starred in our film today "The Curse of King Tut's Tomb." Originally this film aired as a two-part miniseries on NBC on May 8th and 9th, 1980.  Here's the spooky part. Raymond Burr was also in this film...and he's dead, too. Coincidence, or curse? You decide. Today let us dive into Eva Marie Saint's magnum opus in a film directed by Philip Leacock...and wouldn't you know...he's also dead. This can't be a coincidence!

Archaeologist Howard Carter (Robin Ellis) finds the damned tomb...in Egypt...go figure. Oddly enough, a weird medium, Princess Vilma (Wendy Hiller...also dead), at a seance at the castle of Lord George (Harry Andrews...also dead), she told everyone they would die. Inscriptions inside the tomb also warned anyone who defiled the final resting place of Tut, that they would die if they disturbed his rest. Howard does not believe in curses and falls in love with Lord George's daughter, Evelyn (Angharad Rees...also dead). He'll dump the nubile babe when American reporter Sarah Morrissey (Eva Marie Saint) shows up to report on the find. She's old enough to be Howard's mother, but the two will lock lips and swap spit all the same...ick. The greedy Egyptian heavy, Jonash (Burr) conspires to have the government throw Howard out of the desert and hand the dig over to him.

Jonash has already murdered the lovely burglar Giovanni (Barbara Murray...also dead) for some rare papyrus that probably is key to the plot. Trying to stay above the fray, Howard must deal with cutthroats like Hasan (Tom Baker, the Dr. Who guy...not dead yet, but he keeps falling in pits of scorpions). Howard who obviously has a mommy complex is drawn closer to Eva Marie Saint and sends Evelyn away. Lucky Evelyn.  One by one the people who helped Howard find the tomb die mysteriously. Sarah? Hey, she is played by Eva Marie Saint, who cares that her role isn't vital to this film. There is a rumor that the Egyptian version of this film did not have Eva Marie Saint in it, but she was added to the American version. Wait!  I may be thinking of Raymond Burr. Never mind.

Are the above actors and actresses victims of an ancient Egyptian curse that was unleashed on them when King Tut's tomb was excavated?  Did Eva Marie Saint spend the final 46 years of her life eluding scorpions and asps?  Is it true that actor Robin Ellis has moved to the wilds of the Arctic just so scorpions and asps can't get near him? We will miss Eva Marie Saint, but we will remember her in some of the most alluring roles including as Eve Kendall in that Alfred Hitchcock (dead) classic "North By Northwest."  See "The Curse of King Tut's Tomb" and be glad you had nothing to do with the production of this TV miniseries.