Okay, I was going to say this film is "Final Destination" lite. Never mind that. I just tabulated the kill count and wow! We have hunks and babes...many will die so horribly in very twisted and impaling ways. The culprit? Right, fortune cookies. Oh, guess what! The detective in this one is...Dina Meyer! Yes, the babe from the shower scene in "Starship Troopers." Okay, I admit her role could have been deeper, but it is Dina Meyer, so we are happy. A lot happier than the babes and hunks who will lose their heads or have their faces fried off. Today we look at 2016's "Fortune Cookie," directed by Rob Pallatina, and made by The Asylum.
Major league babe Isabella (Morgan Obenreder) is opening a Chinese restaurant. She's serious about culturally appropriating a once proud culture...worry not you woke leftists, she will pay dearly. On the eve of her first taste testing in front of food critic Bryce (Ryan Merriman), she and her main squeeze, Josh (Brent Lydic) and five more friends go eat at another Chinese restaurant. A good amount of disrespect is shown to the Chinese staff at the place and as a result, some evil fortune cookies are served. The diners get fortunes that will eventually tell them how they will die. Seconds later, babe Bree (Roxy Sowlaty) chokes on a lotus leaf and dies after a gory tracheotomy. Her fortune simply said, "Lotus." Danny (Anthony Ma), a Chinese guy, an hour later has vicious sex with Bree's lesbian lover, Kelly (Kaitlyn McIvor)...and she will die from a bee that gets in between her contact lens and her eyeball...hate when that happens.
Yep...one by one, weird and gory deaths befall the friends. We are not happy when the babe Claire (Ashley Doris) gets it in a gratuitous nude bath scene with cucumbers...don't ask. Danny's grandfather (James Hong) offers guidance to the group on how to rid themselves of the curse. Sadly, getting all these selfish cultural appropriators on the same sheet of music is nearly impossible. Enter Detective Emma Hoskins (Meyer). She is useless, but knows what is going on. Swords will impale, deep fried grease will melt faces off, wrecking balls will decapitate, and sawed off shotguns will do what shotguns do. Oh, wait, sawed off shotguns don't kill people...people do...or, I should say ancient Chinese secrets kill people. Anyone remember the Calgon commercial?
Will Dina Meyer have a similar shower scene as she did in "Starship Troopers"? Cucumbers in a bath scene with a nude babe? Will any of the hunks or babes have enough guts to order the #69? "Fortune Cookie" is a gory affair with an astronomical death count. Also, Dina Meyer is is in it. So, order in this Friday night, eat the chow mein with chopsticks, avoid cracking open the fortune cookies, and watch "Fortune Cookie."
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