The Amityville Terror, The Best Amityville Film Ever

Wow!  I was not expecting this!  Catfights to the death! A babe with a crossbow! A succubus-type babe with fire coming out of her eyes! Sultry teenage skanks dying horribly!  Babe sister seducing hunk brother! The taboo!  Gratuitous prurient situations! A mega-death count!  The crossbow babe racing through Amityville with a dirt bike! Oh!  A dominatrix realtor who has deviant sex in kitchens or anywhere else...who is also a demon corruptor!  This might be one of the best films ever.  Our feature today is 2016's "The Amityville Terror," directed by Michael Angelo.

Delilah!  Wow.  If Richard Attenborough had put this character in his 1993 film "Shadowlands," people would have wanted to see it. Delilah (Tonya Kay) looking like a sex-craved dominatrix rents the Amityville house to the unstable babe Shae (Amanda Barton). The artist, Shae, invites her brother Todd (Kaiwi Lyman) and his babe wife, Jessica (Kim Nielsen) to move in with her. Of course, their babe teenage daughter, Hailey (Nicole Tompkins) comes, too.  Hailey is always equipped with a crossbow and dirt bike. It is, after all, Amityville. Strangeness occurs. A gory acid bath (very painful), taboo seduction, and a hot Asian gal ejected out the window. Let us talk about the hot Asian gal...Jenny (Lai Ling). She'll try to help protect the crossbow wielding teen, but she'll only get shot out of Hailey's bedroom window just like a cannonball shot out of a cannon.  Her death will be sad...and gory. Happens.

Okay, Delilah has sex with some stooge on a kitchen counter. Relevant to the plot? If you have to ask. Hailey gets a sweet boyfriend, Brett (Trevor Stines). He'll lose his head over Hailey...literally. Jessica, who has great big...er...well...a great big...smile...will lose a bloody battle with the rose garden. Shae will shed all her clothes and become a major league seductress, seeking to corrupt her brother, Todd. Todd, an idiot tries to figure out why Jessica won't have sex with him. Then there is the teenage babe Theresa (Christy St. John). She wants to murder Hailey because the crossbow wielding seductress stole her BF. Oh, ghosts and demons...yeah, yeah...them, too. Okay...there is actually a plot.  Not a bad one, but it is spliced heavily with gratuitous nudity, gratuitous gore, gratuitous allure, and so many graphic kills.

Is this the story Jay Anson wanted to tell but couldn't because he never took a creative writing course? Why don't we have more movies with babe protagonists who wield crossbows and travel around town on dirt bikes?  Why don't we have more succubus/demon/slut real estate agents who...wait...I'm being told we do...never mind.  Do yourself a favor and see one of the best films ever made, and don't fall into the trap by comparing it to 1993's  "Shadowlands," "The Amityville Terror." 

Horrors of the Black Museum, Mad Man Shreds Babes

Ah, the nubile and delightful Dorinda Stevens.  A babe actress who in 1959 portrayed the unfortunate Gail Dunlop.  Remember her?  Sure you do.  When "Horrors of the Black Museum" hit U.S. drive-ins in the 70s, everyone was talking about her horrific demise.  Alas, she was the first of many babes to die horribly in this film.  As misogynistic as the Clintons, "Horrors of the Black Museum" states the misogynistic viewpoint even better than Clinton's lawyers.  Today we look at 1959's "Horrors of the Black Museum," directed by Arthur Crabtree.

Do police agencies actually have so-called black museums filled with the tools of deranged killers? Not advertised, but yes they do...not all, but I've been in one or two.  In our film Scotland Yard has one...a lame one according to true-crime best-selling author Edmond Bancroft (Michael Gough).  So unimpressed by Scotland Yard's effort, he creates his own.  Tools of gruesome murders of beautiful dames grace the museum. How does he get them?  He commits the murders.  The film opens with Gail unboxing a mysterious gift.  She has received a supposed pair of binoculars from, whom she believes, a secret admirer.  When she puts the spy glasses up to her eyes, two spikes shoot through her orbs and into her brain.  Alas, the lovely Gail Dunlop is no more.

Edmond visits the Scotland Yard detectives and taunts them for not being able to solve the cases.  This writer is above suspicion as he appears to be crippled.  He'll strike again and even steal the head of the sultry Joan (June Cunningham) from one scene.  Edmond is on the prowl for more weapons that can inflict gory deaths on babes.  He keeps finding them.  He's smart.  Eye witnesses are fooled and only serve to throw off the police investigation.  Uh oh...Edmond has a laboratory attached to his basement museum.  It's a great laboratory complete with a big vat of acid to get rid of bodies.  Uh oh...his trusty assistant Rick (Graham Curnow) has a new GF, Angela (Shirley Anne Field).  Rick is so taken by Angela's beauty, his lips become very loose.  Edmond will not tolerate loose lips.

How has Edmond become such a misogynist?  Will the nubile Angela survive to the end credits?  Is this film, which taunts the police, the forerunner of the 'defund the police' movement here in America?  Gory and horrific, the cheese in this film will be annihilated in so many imaginative and bloody ways.  For some nice English horror, see "Horrors of the Black Museum."      

Ring Ring, Telemarketer Carnage

Idiots!  Telemarketers!  The bane of our existence, at times.  Wait...I need to renew my auto warranty.  Okay, I'm back. What happens when telemarketers behave badly and do stupid things?  Well, the answer is told to us in our film today.  It'll be a gory mess, actually. I do have to admit, our telemarketer protagonists are likable, if not stupid.  We do pull for them.  Nail guns, captivity, and burnt frozen pizzas be damned, our feature today is 2019's "Ring Ring," directed by Adam Marino.

Okay, the Incredible Hulk lays off his staff at the phone bank for telemarketers.  No, really.  Lou Ferrigno lays them all off and reminds someone that they would not like him when he's angry.  Amber (Kirby Bliss Blanton) and Will (Malcolm Goodwin) can't afford to lose their jobs.  Uh oh...Will has a plan.  Steal the company's phone lists, and go into business for himself. Amber buys off on this idea and the duo steal the client lists. After Will is seduced by redheaded babe, Amanda (Emily Tyra), he loses his phone, which has all the lists on it.  Now Amber and him have to retrace his steps and find it.  An app is activated and the duo call for a ride from an Uber type service.  The ride arrives and is driven by junkie, maniac, serial killer Jacob (Tommy Kijas)...who coincidentally has their phone.

Let's not dwell on coincidence. Now Jacob has Will and Amber locked in the basement of his big old house. Actually it is his mom's house.  She is dead and in the freezer while he lives off her social security checks. Now Will and Amber try to escape.  Jacob is armed with a nail gun.  Amber tries yelling at Jacob, reasoning with him, and seducing him.  Strung out on heroin, Jacob is non-responsive to Amber's sex appeal.  As the film progresses, Jacob realizes he has to murder his two captives and also gets more wasted.

Do Amber and Will have a shot at escape?  Is Jacob's auto-warranty still current or does it need to be renewed?  Do all telemarketers deserve a similar fate?  This is a good one.  Mr. Marino gives us two protagonists who we should despise...but we like them.  Will and Amber come across as cute and naive, though stupid and cunning, too.  See "Ring Ring" and think twice about yelling profanity at the next guy trying to extend your auto-warranty.

Psychopaths, RIP David Lynch

Earlier this month the great movie maker David Lynch died.  I know him from "Eraserhead," "Twin Peaks," and "Blue Velvet." The movies and shows were weird.  If you like weird...you liked David Lynch. I don't know if I believe him when he insisted "Erasherhead" was not about anything. But...a good storyteller should never feel obligated to explain his story.  Today we have a vicious film, not by Mr. Lynch, but definitely in his style.  2017's "Psychopaths," directed by Mickey Keating is our blood soaked offering in this blog entry.

Okay, so here it is. Some mass killer named Starkweather (Larry Fessenden) is offed in the electric chair as the film begins. Just before the switch was pulled, he yelled that he would be back and his death would not get rid of him. True enough. The night of his execution his spirit appears to possess some weird people in the town. You will find out later that some of these peeps may have already been as evil as Starkweather. A few of the notables are an apparent nightclub singer, Alice (Ashley Bell). From stage to a home invasion. She'll gut a beautiful wife (Ivana Shein) and then you won't believe what she will do to the husband of the now corpse. Actually, if you read this blog...you won't be shocked. Then we have Blondie. When one of the people possessed by Starkweather, a serial killer himself, stops for Blondie (Angela Trimbur), a whore...she kills him.

Okay, Blondie is now mechanized for murder and torture and this is exactly what she will do.  With a briefcase filled with syringes with paralyzing agents, surgical saws and clippers, and long needles, she raids some schmuck's house and takes him apart.  Oh, there is the masked killer (Samuel Zimmerman). He'll show up at a nightclub, blow away several whores and dancers, then be murdered...or, well, you'll see.  A cop (Jeremy Gardner) is responding to this night of terror . Don't feel comforted by this creep...he's more evil than the killers in this film.  Where did these killer come from? Watch closely and find out.

The gore and ominous torture scenes will cause you to turn your head.  The style and retro feel of the movie will remind you of "Blue Velvet."  The more beautiful the actress in this film, the deadlier they are.  The hunks that love them...well, they won't fare any better.  Vicious, stylish, and ominous...for a David Lynch style film, see "Psychopaths." 

Abducted: Kidnapped and Brutalized, Is Rehabilitation Possible

If one commits unspeakable evil in his youth, can he be rehabilitated?  A college boy rapes a sorority girl at the age of 18...can he eventually grow into a fine upstanding member of society?  Can a serial killer change his stripes?  If so, would you hire him?  Let him work with the youth in your church? Partner with him in starting a tech company?  Me neither.  Well, today we have a story much worse than what I have just suggested.  Much! Our film today is 2011's "Abducted: Kidnapped and Brutalized" (originally "Victims"), directed by David Bryant.

Horrific!  A sweet four year old girl is abducted by an 11 year old boy.  The boy will rape, torture, and murder the little lass as she calls out for her daddy.  Fast forward 20 years...that 11 year old boy is an adult and this is his wedding day.  He has a new name, new identity, and is an upstanding member of society.  Christopher is no longer Neil (John Bocelli). No one knows of his past.  The shrinks worked hard on him and have pronounced him cured.  Is he?  His fiancé, Abby (Nina Mullins) knows nothing of the little 11 year old boy...only the adult version. Alas, not everyone is in the dark. On Neil's way to the church he is grabbed by masked men and shoved into a van and pummeled.  Neil is kidnapped...but by who?

The kidnappers know what Neil did 20 years ago...and they want real justice.  The kidnappers (Sarah Coyle, Andy Cresswell, David Bryant, and Richard Styles) try to force him into confessing his true identity and his crimes.  Neil is resolute that he is now Christopher and does not know what his accusers are talking about. Alas, the kidnappers have more in mind than just vigilante justice.  See, they also kidnapped Abby.  In her wedding  gown, Abby will hear the charges.  Uh oh...Abby is shocked but may believe them.  Now Abby asks her fiancé if he is the murderer/rapist of the little girl.  Uh oh again, the kidnappers have brought in some more "witnesses" and they have an axe to grind, to say the least. 

If Christopher is Neil, can't we believe he is rehabilitated?  What if Christopher is not the fiend from 20 years ago? Does a rehabilitated Neil, or an innocent Christopher have a prayer of seeing it to the end credits? Not the feel good film of the 21st century, but it does pose important questions.  Are some crimes just too heinous to be forgiven?  See "Abducted: Kidnapped and Brutalized" and evaluate your position on forgiveness and grace. 

Psychotic! New York City Morons Shredded

So, as someone who despises New York, I bring you a blog entry of a film set in the Bushwick neighborhood of Brooklyn.  Not familiar with Bushwick, after seeing this film I am left to assume everyone in Bushwick is a moron.  Entitled, narcissistic, pot-headed, with no musical talent. There is good news.  Most of the population of Bushwick will die horribly in this very brutal slasher film.  Any dame, that is attractive, will not fare well, as will their dweeb boyfriends.  Our feature today is "Psychotic!" directed by Maxwell Frey and Derek Gibbons.

Pretty Shannon will get her throat slit as she throws her BF Bill (Adam Maid) a surprise birthday party. Bill is quite upset, but no one else can stop thinking about themselves long enough to also feel bad. There is a band that seems to be the center of this social interaction.  The Mass Psychosis band headed by Stuart (Gibbons) and Tim (Frey). The duo cannot sing and their band members throw them out of the band. The cast-off duo quarrel and end their friendship. The masked slasher keeps striking at the circle of friends murdering a few more babes and a hunk. Throats are slashed, or guts are cut out. Even a broken bong is used as a weapon in this.  Enter Roxy (Kristen Martin)...we like her a lot. She's sultry and mysterious and has what it takes to be the final girl...or, dare we say...no, let's not.

Tim seems to unwind and becomes a Peeping Tom. Uh oh...he just so happens to be spying on babes, as they are undressing or being eaten by their boyfriends, as the killer intrudes and slashes them. Now a witness thinks Tim is the killer. Roxy befriends a strung out and depressed Stuart.  She's supportive, fun, and a little too mysterious. The slasher keeps striking.  Drumsticks to the neck and glass shards are two new weapons for the killer.  Roxy emerges as a gal with a problem and Stuart is there for her.  Bad musicians and their girlfriends will continue to die horribly.  Roxy will get more mysterious, and Tim will unwind even more.  Confused?  This film is psychotic, in name and style...but very bloody.  

Is everyone in Bushwick a narcissistic, psychotic moron?  I'm guessing the answer to this is...YES!!! Is Roxy too pretty to die...or murder?  Just how much can Tim unwind and is the fact that he's a Peeping Tom pervert mean he is a bad guy?  This is a good one and the allure factor is only topped by the gore factor.  See "Psychotic!" and enjoy a vicious slasher film with a high death count.  

Psycho Beach Party, Amy Adams in a Vicious Dancing Catfight

Amy Adams!?  Yes, that Amy Adams.  In a vicious catfight?  Yep...er, sort of.  But...yes. The dance-off between her and the sultry blonde Kimberly Davies at the beach luau will be unforgettable and filled with malicious intent.  One of those babes will emerge victorious. The dance-off/catfight will send you to the showers. Our feature today is a 2000 spoof of a 1950s beach/horror/surfer film.  We now look at "Psycho Beach Party," directed by Robert Lee King.

Florence (Lauren Ambrose), the perky redheaded 16 year old wants boys to be interested in her.  Now, only her bestie, Berdine (Danni Wheeler) wants to get in her pants. Desperate for boys, Florence tries to steal surfer dudes from her stuck up rival, Marvel Ann (Adams). Marvel Ann in the pink bikini will not have to worry about losing any man...to anyone...yet. Oh, Florence becomes Ann Bowman.  Ann Bowman?  Yep, Florence is schizophrenic and adopts many other personalities.  Ann is a femme fatale character right out of film noir films...and guys dig her.  The surfer king, Kanaka (Thomas Gibson) is hot for Ann but not for Florence.  Uh oh...Ann may be a psycho killer. She'll apparently slit the throat of a babe in a car at the drive-in. Then she'll take apart surfer Junior (Buddy Quaid) in the surf. Then...well, let us just say she decapitates, or slashes, or guts many a surfer dude or bikini chick.

Wait!  I haven't mentioned B movie, horror scream queen Bettina Barnes (Davies). She's sultry and befriends Florence, the surfer dudes, and bikini chicks.  She'll get into that dance-off/catfight with Marvel Ann and seduce all others. Then there is Florence's nymphomaniac mother (Beth Broderick) who keeps trying to seduce their Swedish exchange student, Lars (Matt Keeslar). Oh, one more, the sultry slut in the wheelchair, the grouchy and insulting Rhonda (Kathleen Robertson). All suspects and you will see why. As bodies get cut up, and chicks wriggle and jiggle to try to hook surfer dudes, Florence wrestles with her multiple personalities and may be the one murdering the beautiful.

Is Florence, or Ann, the psycho-killer?  Will the sultry mom of Florence succeed in seducing Lars? Will Bettina Barnes use all this drama as an inspiration for her next film role? This one is a lot of fun and the cheese and beef factors are off the charts.  See babes wriggle and jiggle.  See hunks flex their abs and grunt.  See severed limbs, innards ripped out, and heads decapitated.  For some fun, watch "Psycho Beach Party."  

Ice Sharks, Eskimos and Scientists Eaten

When in doubt just go back to an old reliable.  In my case, it is an original Syfy film made by our buddies at The Asylum. As a movie making company, when in doubt...make a shark film.  In a shark film, when in doubt, put in a helicopter that gets eaten by a shark....Thank you "Jaws 2" for that trope.  Today we will look at an old reliable type of work, 2016's "Ice Sharks," directed by Emile Edwin Smith. Yep, made for Syfy by The Asylum. 

An Eskimo with a dog sled is hunting on a pack of Arctic ice.  Sadly, he gets on thin ice near the edge and a big shark eats his dogs and him. Happens. Greenland shark...very nasty. Nearby an Arctic research station is on the ice doing experiments.  Apparently the waters are warming making the ice thinner. Tracy (Jenna Parker) and David (Edward DeRuiter) are scientists/lovers.  Everyone else in the scientific team is ...shark bait. The team will get a whiff of what's going on when Sammy goes out on a skimobile to check sensors...sort of the fuse boxes of the Arctic. He's eaten. Then David and Tracy go out on skimobiles to check on a missing Eskimo...they are almost eaten but make it back.  Here's one for you...did you know Greenland sharks smell really bad?

Now the thin ice around the station has the sharks circling.  Val (Mia Danelle), a hot Asian scientist who comes up with some really bad ideas, will be eaten. We liked her.  She did not whine and go and on about stuff no one cares about. This blog is partial to hot Asian babes, but Ms. Danelle was sixth in the credits which foreshadows an awful death. Okay, the sharks pull the station off the ice and now the team, the ever decreasing team, is 100 feet below the surface of the Arctic Ocean.  The sharks are getting aggressive and slamming into the sunken facility.  Wait! An icebreaker has heard their distress calls and is bringing fresh meat and a helicopter to the site of the sunk base.

Is the fate of this research station a foreshadowing of the fate of the idiotic so-called Global Warming science?  Is Val's fate a gratuitous slant against the intelligence of Asians who some see as displacing marginalized communities in the U.S.?  Will Tracy and David survive or will their plight mean the end of every single sailor on the icebreaker above?  For Syfy and The Asylum films, this is a good one.  It has some nice gore, a hot Asian babe, and a lot of smelly sharks. See "Ice Sharks" and think twice if you want to buy into this "Climate Change" nonsense.   

Chum! Baby Great White Sharks Take Over

A shark film!  Yes!  Made in 2024, our feature today does not use CGI...puppets, all the way!  One may view our film as a breakthrough in interpretive puppet theater.  Others may view it as Grade C trash.  Sharks is sharks!  Our feature today is 2024's "Chum!"  This Josh Graves films features the most interesting tattoos ever imprinted on any cast.

Mad scientists lament that Great White sharks are all but extinct. Their solution is to infuse the DNA of a parasite that turns ants into zombie drones with human DNA.  Dr. Anthony Fauci would be proud.  This works...kind of.  Now baby Great White sharks are rampant.  They prowl small town America and start attacking.  As the conquest begins, Danny (Matt Alive) and Marcus (Antonio Samuels) are throwing back some cold ones.  The needy Kat (Mouse Cravensworth) is vomiting in the toilet at home.  She's Danny's gal, usually.  Our little sharks are showing up in showers of nubile babes, in babies cribs, or in sinks of unsuspecting housewives.  Anyone in their way gets eaten.

Now Marcus gets bitten by a homeless guy.  No word if the guy is an illegal alien.  It is apparent that the sharks are spreading a virus turning people into human sharks.  The baby sharks converge on the home of Danny and Kat as Marcus begins turning into a zombie.  Uh oh...Kat is pregnant and the sharks want to eat her, anyway.  Hammers, garbage disposals, microwave ovens, and guns will be used by our characters to go to war against the sharks.  The sharks will fly through the air, crawl up pant legs and eat balls, and pop out of drains.  Uh oh...the great baby Great White shark infestation is not limited to this little town.

Will Kat be able to save herself and baby and repopulate a world that has been decimated by baby Great White sharks?  Will the spreading virus turn Kat's baby into a shark?  Is this film a thin metaphor for the COVID vaccine that many have been duped into taking?  See "Chum!" and be exposed to the consequences our unchecked scientific community can inflict upon us. 

A killer in the House, Psycho on Parole Shreds Babes

I know, they're skanks.  Still, this blog loves skanks. Woke-America loves Women's Studies majors, but this blog loves skanks.  Give us nubile blondes with big...smiles...any day over masculine females with crew cuts and purple hair. Unfortunately for skanks, psychos treat them viciously.  Today we look at a film with a huge cheese-factor, 2024's "A killer in the House," directed by Jared Cohn.

Misogynist, sex-criminal Leo (Phillip Andre Botello) is a 100% con man...100% woman-killer. He gets out on parole, invites an aspiring babe actress (Cait Moira) to his place, and strangles the life out of her. He believes any babe he sees belongs to him and if they show any sass, he murders them...and all her friends...and any babe within 5-miles of her. The vicious guy pretends he is a Hollywood producer and cons his way into the life of the very sultry Ava (Kathrine Gibson). Ava is desperate for a part and assumes Leo is who he represents himself as. Skank Ava has an equally sexy roomie, Brie (Shawn Holmes). She's total babe and totally in danger, as well. Men in Ava's life will die horribly. One of the guys she dates, Colby (Griffin Todd) will have a fork stuck in his jugular at an outdoor cafe.

The sultry Ava, always dressed...provocatively...bangs any man she dates. Leo watches, sometimes while in her bedroom. The sneaky psycho follows the men out of Ava's house and murders them.  Now poor Brie is in danger...as she lives with Ava.  You will see the horror Brie is subjected to. Leo gets more aggressive and Ava totally believes he is the path to starring in a film alongside Brad Pitt.  Leo gets more unhinged and murders anyone in his way and now makes a move to invade Ava and Brie's house. Alas, the two babes will not have a chance...or will they?

Forget about IMDB's rating of 2.5/10 of this film. The babe factor is through the roof, and Ms. Gibson and Ms. Holmes are captivating on the screen. Will both Brie and Ava die horribly for the crime of being... skanks? Is this film about sultry dames in trouble the beginning of an anti-woke movement in Indie filmmaking?  Do the nubile, non-diverse Brie and Ava, have what it takes to draw in a none-woke audience?  See "A Killer in the House," and enjoy a slasher film the way they were meant to be.  

Rat Scratch Fever, The Rats Take Over

CGI and AI be damned.  With special f/x right out of the 60s TV shows, I have an epic I'm sure you missed.  A true B movie with horrific alien planets and creatures, space-babes (most will die horribly), space-hunks (most will die horribly), soldier babes (most will die horribly), soldier hunks (most will die horribly), and a Dr. Phibes type mad scientist.  The death toll will be in the millions as you see toy and model military vehicles respond to a giant invasion from outer space.  Our feature today is 2011's "Rat Scratch Fever," directed by Jeff Leroy.

A mysterious planet enters our solar system and the Steele Space Corporation (SSC) sends a spaceship to investigate.  The astronauts and astronettes on the mission are eaten on the planet by rats the size of bears, except for Sonja (Tasha Tacosa). This space-babe gets the ship back to Earth but a small rat crawled up her pant leg and into her...her...well, let's just say it...#@&%. Now Sonja is infected and has a rat inside her, guiding all her actions.  Soldier babes and soldier hunks respond to her landing.  Sonja murders them, eats them, and steals their war vehicles.  In possession of guided missile vehicles, Sonja destroys the base of SSC.  Now Jake (Ford Austin), a poor man's Roddy "Rowdy" Piper, enters the scene. He's Sonja's BF and wants her back.  The SCC magnate, Steele (Randal Malone) knows that Sonja is no longer human and wants her dead.

As Steele and SCC try to find and exterminate Sonja, she keeps eating people. Rats, big ones, the size of bears, and regular sized ones, converge on L.A. They even eat babies. Yep, this film does have heartbreak. Now Jake finds Sonja but all she wants is his blood.  Most of L.A. gets wiped out but Jake and a handful of heroic soldiers, including the very pretty Jennifer (Phoebe Dollar) fight to the end.  Wait!  Steele arrives. The weird guy with phony skin and limbs has a solo war vehicle with a weird laser beam thing on it.  He's ready to exterminate.  Uh oh...the rats number in the millions.  What's worse, the rat that has taken over Sonja...well, enough.  You are going to want to see the fiery ending to this one.

Will Jake be able to enjoy pre-marital sex with Sonja as long as those body parts are still functioning?  As a rat entered into Sonja through her #@&%, is there a rape-crisis center she can come in contact with?  Was this film about the rat takeover of Earth a foreshadowing of the Biden Administration?  This is a wild one.  The f/x are nostalgic and edifying.  A lot of battles, explosions, gunfights, babes and hunks pulled apart by rats, and laser beams will keep you entertained for over 90 minutes.  For an uplifting film, the way films should be made, see "Rat Scratch Fever."

Blood and Chocolate, The Wolf Version of Romeo and Juliet

We don't talk about Agnes Bruckner enough. Of course, we don't talk about Warren Harding enough, either.  Ms. Bruckner is prettier, so we will talk about her today. Many people are under the false impression that 2008's "Vacancy 2" was her magnum opus. Nope. In actuality, 2007's "Blood and Chocolate" (directed by Katja von Garnier) is her magnum opus.  Our feature today is William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" with werewolves!  Hey, why not?  If our old bard friend had utilized werewolves and monsters more, this would be a Shakespeare blog!

A clan of werewolves rule Bucharest!  Kind of like our country. Gabriel (Olivier Martinez) is a hunk and king of the werewolves.  Pretty teenager Vivian (Bruckner) is chosen to be his new wife to breed with. See, every seven years, the king gets to select a new wife.  Nice!  Vivian does not want to be werewolf queen, not even for seven years.  Instead she falls in love with a handsome graphic novelist, Aiden (Hugh Dancy). He writes about...wolves! The two fall in love and her "people" find out. Now Gabriel needs to get rid of Aiden so he can have pretty Agnes as his queen.  The clan changes into wolves and hunt as a pack.  Usually they hunt drug pushers and assorted deviants.  

Now Gabriel fixes it so Aiden will be gotten rid of.  Surprise!  See, Aiden has a bit of Van Helsing in him and is uniquely qualified to kill werewolves...which he does.  Now Gabriel ratchets up the urgency to murder Vivian's love.  Soon, Vivian must choose between her people and the human.  Aiden is kind of cute so naturally she chooses him.  Of course, Gabriel and all the werewolf people cannot allow Vivian's decision to stand.  Like any woman told to change her mind by a male dominated society, she goes psycho and rebels.  What happens next is beautiful, if not corny.

With a bigger budget could the makers of this film have introduced vampires in the plot and ended the film with a nice catfight between Ms. Bruckner and Kate Beckinsale?  Does a creator of wolf graphic novels have the earning potential that he needs to keep a dame like Agnes Bruckner happy? Later in life, if Aiden were to interrupt Vivian while she is going on and on about nothing important, would she turn into a wolf and tear him apart?  This is a good one and Miss Bruckner is very pleasing to the camera.  For some hokey fun, see "Blood and Chocolate." 

Happy Birthday to Me, Great Slasher Film from the Year of the Slashers

1981 seems to be the year of the great slasher film. Today we look one of the best.  Hey!  Glenn Ford is in it. The same Glenn Ford that swapped spit with Rita Hayworth in "Gilda." Melissa Sue Anderson is in it. Yep, the babe from "Little House on the Prairie." They aren't just in it...they legitimately star in it. Oh, Lesleh Donaldson is the first gory kill. I saw this in 1981...then again today. Maybe the fact that it was mixed in with a thousand other slasher films with similar tropes kept its merit as a fine film from being recognized. In 2025...we can look at this one as a fine horror film. Shocking! Gory!  Gratuitous!  Today we look at "Happy Birthday to Me," directed by J. Lee Thompson.

In 2025, when watching this film, we see it without being jaded by a deluge of slasher films also debuting. I forgot this is also a science fiction film with a mad scientist trope, an inappropriate relationship between teen Virginia (Anderson) and her psychiatrist, Dave (Ford). Some taboo plot lines, too. Oh, this movie will also have you covering your eyes during the brain surgery scene. In short, Virginia is recovering from a really bad accident that took her mom's (Sharon Acker) life. Her brain is injured and a mad scientist, using highly experimental techniques and gadgets, puts it back together. She recovers...sort of. Now, at an exclusive prep school, Virginia is in a club with nine other elites.  One by one, starting with Bernadette (Donaldson), they are murdered horribly. The death scenes are elongated and gory.

Suspects abound, but Virginia is our number one suspect. Why?  Well we saw her do some of the murders.  Too easy?  Not so fast. Virginia's friends are hunks and babes.  Her bestie is Anne (Tracey E. Bergman). She's a doll and we hope she will be the final girl. Shish-kabob skewers, motorbike wheels, and razors are some of the neat weapons.  Slit throats, having a face filed off, and gutting are some of the ways the babes and hunks are killed. Virginia has episodes where she blacks out.  Glenn Ford, er David, is very supportive of her recovery and gets closer to her as the film goes on. More and more details about the accident emerge, and also more details about the surgery emerge.  Uh oh...is Virginia the killer?  

Usually when an A-list actor or actress has his or her name on a movie poster in a slasher film, they are mere cameo performances. This was the case for Rod Steiger ("American Gothic") and William Shatner ("Visiting Hours") in slasher films around the same time this one opened. Not here. Glenn Ford, who doesn't do horror, and Melissa Sue Anderson, who doesn't do horror, are indeed the stars of this film.  You would think Glenn Ford, after lip-locking Rita Hayworth, would keep his distance from Melissa Sue Anderson.  I'm not saying Melissa Sue Anderson is no Rita Hayworth, but...well, never mind. For a fascinating, surprise filled, gory slasher film...see "Happy Birthday to Me."   

The Bat People, A Stan Winston Spectacular

Okay, just because Stan Winston did the creature f/x does not mean this is a good movie. IMDB rated it a 2.8/10.  Still...I liked it. We have a heartwarming story of a marriage gone wrong.  Sure, we all change after we get married, but usually fangs and bat-like appendages are not part of that change.  Our feature today is 1974's "The Bat People," directed by Jerry Jameson.

John (Stewart Moss) is a scientist who studies...bats.  Nerd, I know.  He is married to Cathy (Marianne McAndrew), a nymphomaniac beauty.  She likes to have sex.  In fact, this is what starts the problem.  John, shortly after they are married, takes Cathy to see a cave.  She'd rather...have steamy sex.  Not to let an opportunity go through her fingers, Cathy decides they will have sex in the cave as bats watch. This doesn't go well...go figure. The passion goes out the window when John is bitten...by a bat. Cathy, being a good nympho...er, wife, makes John get checked out at the hospital. Dr. Kipling (Paul Carr), who does not try to have sex with Cathy, bandages John and gives him rabies shots...eek!  Now John begins having seizures.

You guessed it, John begins changing into a bat monster.  Pretty nurse in white (Jennifer Kulik), who is not a nymphomaniac, is ripped apart by John.  Cathy and Dr. Kipling are in denial, but John believes he is changing into a bat person...or a bat man!  More pretty nurses in white will be put in peril. Also in peril are some nubile young babes.  Unfortunately for many of these babes, they will die as the creature chews them up and drinks their blood.  A cop, Sgt. Wood (Michael Pataki) investigates and all his clues bring him back to John.  Oh yes, Wood does try to have sex with Cathy...she resists, though one may posit that she could have resisted harder...after all, she appears to be a nymphomaniac.  John's seizures come more often and more will die horribly.

With Cathy being a nymphomaniac, would she consider having steamy relations with a monster, or bat man?  Given John is a dweeb and has nerdy interests, would Cathy be better off having him as a fanged creature?  Why aren't nurses in movies clad in white and attractive anymore?  This is a good one.  Some may enjoy it in a MST3K type of view, but it is a terrific creature film, although the creature f/x are kind of lacking. See "The Bat People" and avoid most of those new "Batman" movies.

So Cold the River, Creepy Hotel Carnage

I have got to stay at the West Baden Springs Hotel in Indiana!  After watching this film, this is the takeaway I convey to you. This place looks really creepy, I am guessing ghosts appeared during filming of this movie. I wonder if they take IHG or Marriott Bonvoy points.  Anyone know? Ominous, dark, and eerie through the entire 95 minutes, 2022's "So Cold the River," directed by Paul Shoulberg, is our entry today.

Erica (Bethany Joy Lenz) is a babe.  A haunted babe.  A babe with tremendous guilt from a horrible episode years ago. She now has a "gift," or should I say "curse."  She goes around filming events, usually funerals, looks at the footage and sees things others can't see.  Dead people, past events, eerie horrors, you name it, none of it will be edifying. Now she is hired by a relative of the almost dead Campbell Bradford (Michael J. Rogers). He has to be over 100 years old and is in a coma. The relative wants his story, as Bradford is a bit of an enigma...an evil enigma. Erica sets up her camera and guess what!  Yep. The weird happens. You'll see, but it is creepy.  Now Erica feels compelled to document, in her videos, the story of Bradford and this hotel he owns.  Now she stays at this hotel and sets up shop.

Erica sees things.  Now she is seeing visions and maybe hallucinating. Bradford's past and that of the hotel is a bloody one.  A lot of gory death.  But why?  Did Bradford kill everyone?  Is he still killing everyone? The spooky setting of the hotel will make one think the building is cursed.  She'll find a descendant of Bradford (Andrew J. West).  He is a hunk.  She'll have passion with this descendant.  Then we find out this hunk is kind of psycho.  He likes to blow up things.  I know, who doesn't?  Where is this all leading?  I have to confess, experienced horror film buffs will see where this is going within the first ten minutes of the film.  Still, it is spookily atmospheric and ominous.

Will Erica be all consumed by Bradford and the hotel and not be able to leave?  Is Bradford really the evil being Erica is seeing in her visions?  If you screw a psycho, will you...wait, I withdraw the question.  Like this film or not, horror film fans will be googling this hotel and looking for weekend rates. Trust me.  See "So Cold the River" and finally see a hotel in the movies creepier than The Overlook.  

Trickle Down by B. Harrison Smith, Literature Review

Where did we go wrong? Perhaps we were mistaken.  The mistake was huge. World War 2 ended and our mistake was thinking we won.  President Eisenhower tried to warn us.  Then, maybe America was overthrown when President Kennedy was assassinated by...indeed, by who?  Arthur C. Clarke did an interview, and he was irate.  Mr. Clarke believed everything he wrote about in his book 2001: A Space Odyssey was entirely reachable by 2001...but our Space Shuttle program (under President Reagan) decided to deploy weapons systems instead of searching for new worlds. America's greatness could have solved so many problems in the world, including starvation...instead we have stupid wars, an entertainment industry that makes us stupid, and no ambition and altruism in our national consciousness.  Today we look at Trickle Down by B. Harrison Smith. 

This tome is about John Carpenter's film, 1988's "They Live."  I saw this movie when it came out at the theater.  Thought it was subpar.  That fight scene? Way too long.  Through the 90's, through the first Bush, then through Bill Clinton, then through the second Bush...then, I liked the movie a whole lot more. Eisenhower's warning and a complete view of the 80s economic and social policy cast more light in what Mr. Carpenter was trying to say.  Who better to tell this story than a student of the 80s and a terrific 1980s historian, B. Harrison Smith?  I saw "They Live" because it was made by the fella that made "Halloween."  I should have watched "They Live" because it was made by a man who was furious at America for not caring for the least of us. Jesus did say, "...what you to the least of us, you do to me" (paraphrase).  The least of us (homeless, AIDS patients, crack addicts, public school kids) were left fending for themselves, and the movie maker was incensed.

The military industrial complex (MIC) flourished under Reaganomics. It provided a lot of jobs and wealth for many.  My point...here in the 2020s, allegiance to the MIC has murdered over a million young people in The Ukraine. Leaders of The Ukraine and NATO refuse to talk to Putin. Perhaps diplomacy, real diplomacy, is not good for the MIC. The schools continued to falter, at an alarmingly greater rate as the 80s progressed...but, here it is...as we all believed all was fine and steaming speedily in the right direction.  The miserables in "They Live" suffered from this delusion and John Carpenter was on it. Elites flourish...real peeps suffer, thinking their new electronic devices are worth what ever they put up with. The rich save millions in tax cuts while the real peeps save a nickel. 

Metaphor, satire, and biting irony is delivered in a seemingly subpar movie.  Is this film "subpar," however?  Mr. Smith delves into John Carpenter's reasons for including a seemingly gratuitous fight scene and other plot devices.  Now we understand...as just like Roddy Piper in the film, we now have magic sunglasses on thanks to Mr. Smith.  Not defending President Johnson, President Carter, President Bush, President Clinton, or the other Bush, Mr. Smith applies what he implores us all to get more of.  Critical thinking!  In his critique of the Reagan Era and what has taken over America since, he understands what John Carpenter was trying to do with the budget he had.  Today, even Senator Lindsey Graham and Speaker of the House Johnson glorify spending money in The Ukraine and more bombings, reminding us U.S. jobs and even our economy will benefit from it.  Who cares if millions more die in bombings in Europe?

Left wing anti-Reagan dribble? There is plenty of that.  Not here.  Critical thinking and honest critique from a guy (Mr. Smith) who was trying to gather enough money to attend a state university back in the 80s.  If you have noticed the homeless creeping toward intersections not too far from your nice house, this book is for you.  Historical context is added, and I mean historical in the sense of who Mr. Smith and Mr. Carpenter are. The last chapter of the book, Mr. Smith gives us a charge...read the book, see the movie, and critically think.  Are the evils of post World War 2 ideology easily exorcised?  Do we really need a cold war mentality to address post cold war problems?  Do we really need to buy things we don't need, or obey people who don't care about us?  Do we need to like Taylor Swift music because Marriott and a whole bunch of companies will be able to hire a lot more Americans if we buy her records?  There's an easy answer to this.  That answer is sadly, "Yes we do." However, if you watch "They Live" for how John Carpenter wanted you to watch it, or if you do what B. Harrison Smith wants us to do, critically think, then maybe the answer is slightly more complicated.

"We're all in this together."  Gag me with a spoon. Yell "Not me!" and apply the Howard Beale philosophy, "I'm mad as Hell and I'm not going to take it anymore."  This won't be easy, but if you care about your kids and grandchildren...it is imperative.  The great science fiction novelist Robert A. Heinlein professed...you would be shocked how few people would have to do this until a worldwide movement is begun. Don't be a coward like me.  These problems are fixable.  John Carpenter's frustration is that he probably knew that.  We are so much better than we have displayed over the past several decades.  Thank you B. Harrison Smith for this book and forcing us to look at "They Live" with critical thinking" as our guide.  This book is available at Amazon, just click on this link TRICKLE DOWN .