The Fiend of Dope Island, The Yugoslavian Bombshell in Peril

The Yugoslavian Bombshell!  Yes...the one and only Tania Velia!  She'll dance...she'll love...she'll skinny dip...she'll be imperiled by a maniacal island narcotics lord.  One wonders if a modern day renaissance of Tania Velia will inspire central Europeans to put Yugoslavia back together. As Russia conquers The Ukraine, and NATO and the U.S. military cower under their bunks, is this the opportunity the old Yugoslavia was waiting for?  Tania Velia!  A face that could launch a thousand ships...and a body that can call them all back!  Today we look at 1960's "The Fiend of Dope Island," directed by Nate Watt.

Charlie (Bruce Bennett) is a crime lord that rules a small Caribbean island with a whip and a gun.  He has enslaved the peaceful islanders to work in his marijuana fields.  He then supplies the weed to international buyers.  David (Robert Bray) is the handsome field boss who often conflicts with Charlie. Charlie has hired a dancing gal to come to the saloon he runs.  Glory La Verne (Velia) believes she has accepted a job in the Caribbean in which she will entertain a lot of international businessmen. In reality, Charlie has brought her to the island to entertain only him and serve as his love toy.  The two clash right away. Only David's chivalry and heroism prevent her from being whipped by Charlie.  Still...Charlie does find opportunity to violate her and force her to dance provocatively for him.

Charlie continues to whip islanders, sell his crops, and molest Glory.  Now David has had enough.  He has fallen in love with Glory...and she him.  Glory has also won the hearts of all the islanders with her kindness and beauty.  Now it is time for an island rebellion.  Charlie has the whip and a rifle...the islanders have spunk and Glory's affection.  Glory will skinny dip and entangle herself with David in the surf.  Charlie will use this distraction and make his own move on the rebellious forces. 

Will an island, inspired by beauty and exotic dancing, find the courage to free themselves from a drug lord with a whip?  Will Glory ever get hold of the whip and change her act to one of...actually, never mind...this question was going to be prurient in nature.  Will Glory start a movement in central Europe that will see the reunification of Yugoslavia?  The geo-political ramifications of this film could be great if it gets a wide release here in 2024 or 2025.  See "The Fiend of Dope Island," and grab your AK-47, fly to central Europe...and fight for The Yugoslavian Bombshell!    

The Elf, Depressing Christmas Horror

Okay...I know.  This isn't the most inspiring horror film ever made.  The characters? Sure...we want them all to die.  Annoying, shrill, and stupid.  The family portrayed has as much tenderness as a seasick crocodile.  Still...there's that one scene.  The Christmas carolers scene.  How beautiful it was. An out of tune choir of nerds singing Christmas carols we have never heard of.  The singers, dweeb men and dweeb women, unable to develop a third chord (or even a 2nd chord), butchering holiday music on the front stoop of a sad house filled with sad people.  What can save a movie?  Yes!  Homicidal strings of Christmas lights!  Christmas lights that strangle, electrocute, and impale with icicles.  Buy those at Home Depot next year!  Today we look at 2016's "The Elf," directed by Tristan Price.

Victoria (Natassia Halabi) is a babe with a useless boyfriend.  See, Nick (Gabriel Miller), a sad hunk, killed his dad on Christmas when he was nine.  Yep, stabbed the old guy dozens of times and then stabbed his mom in the face a dozen times.  Victoria thought it would be a good idea to date him.  The mental health system in this country is so good...why not?  But wait?  Is that what happened?  See, an ancestor of Nick was a toymaker who created an elf doll that came to life.  The elf had a knife and went homicidal when evil forces breathed life into it.  That's Nick's story and he's sticking to it.  Many years later, Nick and Victoria are engaged and have brought a weird green house together. 

Okay, Victoria, knowing Nick hates Christmas, invites her whole family over for a Christmas Eve party. Oh, the family hates Nick.  I will say that Victoria's sister, Tiffany (Lisa May), is a babe who has "I'M GOING TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH" written all over her. The shrill family seem like they are there for an intervention.  Then comes the little elf doll with his little knife.  One by one, in gory fashion, the elf offs the shrill family.  Then the Christmas caroler scene...and we cheer.  Call it holiday cheer.  The little elf has no mercy, not even for the beautiful.

Is the elf really the killer, or is Nick sick in the head?  Does Tiffany stand a chance at surviving the knife wielding Santa's helper?  Even without the elf or the murders, is Victoria's family right about Nick? Twists abound and the elf's little knife will make you smile.  You'll never go caroling again after seeing this film. For a wooden Christmas horror film with a saving scene, see "The Elf."  

Monster Man, Two Hunks and a Babe Hunted by Maniac

This one was made in 2003!  Why haven't I seen it until now?  How could I have missed it?  A pinch of "Jeepers Creepers," a pinch of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," and a pinch of "Frankenstein" gives us the Michael Davis film, "Monster Man." Gory to the max with a big old monster truck, driven by a big old monster man, hence the title. Heads will be run over, torsos will be crushed, limbs will be amputated, and a sweet virgin boy will be de-virginized by a major league babe!  This one is soooo good!

Adam (Eric Jungmann) believes he is driving to a friend's wedding. The kid is a virgin and very clean cut. Surprise!  His former best friend Harley (Justin Urich) has snuck in the back seat and surprises him. Harley is no virgin.  The crude best buddy wants to go to the wedding, too, and have vicious sex with the bride. Uh oh...Adam and Harley become frightened when two vehicles begin following them. One, a menacing hearse with tinted windows.  More ominous is a menacing big black monster truck that tries to run them off the road.  When the truck does run them off the road, the two buddies try to borrow gas from a van, not realizing a decapitated schmuck is dead inside. They continue on and find sultry hitchhiker , Sarah (Aimee Brooks).  She is not a virgin...there is little doubt here. The babe takes a liking to Adam.

Now the monster truck and hearse keep appearing and chasing these three.  The truck crushes other schmucks along the way and the trio can't shake it.  During respite from the deadly chase, Sarah successfully seduces Adam and the two engage in incredibly awkward pre-marital sex.  Harley is beside himself, but takes it well.  Uh oh...the fiend who drives the monster truck shows himself, and he is a monster (Michael Bailey Smith), indeed. Now he appears to be ready for the kill and gains on them as they speed down a weird country road into a weird ghost town.  Hence the final 25 minutes of this film.  Wow!  Twists, turns, and unimaginable gore.  That's it...no spoilers here...but wow!

Will Adam and Sarah have a shot at more mainstream deviant pre-marital sex?  Will Harley live to bang the bride at the wedding they are supposedly going to?  Just who is this monster in the truck and what does he want from our three youngsters?  Gore, sex, and more gore!  For a really neat horror film with some nice twists (some you will see coming), see "Monster Man."

Cash on Demand, Peter Cushing in A Christmas Carol

Hammer Films does Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol"? Peter Cushing as Scrooge? Old England on Christmas Eve, snow falling, and a bank manager with no patience for that old Christmas spirit. Well, that's what we have...sort of.  In the style of an Alfred Hitchcock film, an old Hammer Films entry from 1961, "Cash on Demand," directed by Quentin Lawrence.

Fordyce (Cushing) is trying to remain calm as his bank staff seems pre-occupied with the Christmas party that will occur after banking hours, and after he leaves. No nonsense, Fordyce runs a tight ship and tolerates no discrepancies. Even though it is the day before Christmas he calls his assistant manager in to the office.  Pearson (Richard Vernon) has been a loyal employee for years. Still, Fordyce dresses him down and threatens to fire him for a 10-pound book keeping error.  Remember this scene. Enter Colonel Gore Hepburn (Andre Morell). Think of the ghost of Christmas past...same thing. Only, the good Colonel is not a colonel...he's a suave bank robber with a great plan. Hepburn advises Fordyce his men are at his home and will murder his wife and boy if he does not cooperate.  What does Hepburn want? All the money in the vault.

Hepburn looks the part. He is masquerading as an insurance examiner at the bank to inspect security measures.  Only Fordyce knows he is a thief. Hepburn is suave and gets on Fordyce for browbeating his employees on Christmas time,. He even gets on Fordyce for not contributing to his bank's Christmas party. However sentimental Hepburn is, he is also brutal. A call to Fordyce's home proves that this thief is sincere about murdering the bank manager's wife and child. Hepburn is also a task master. Every part of this robbery has been planned.  It looks as if this guy will get away with all the money in the bank in five large suitcases. Fordyce is terrorized at what Hepburn may have done to the wife and child. Hepburn is also eager to humiliate this 'Scrooge" like figure. Then... Well, you'll see.

Like any early Hammer Film, the level of suspense is at its maximum.  Will Fordyce repent and become a metaphorical Santa Claus?  Will Hepburn really get away with all the spoils in the bank vault? Are Pearson and his co-workers really so browbeaten that they have no idea the bank is being robbed? This is a fun one and also appropriate for the entire family. Peter Cushing is sensational, as always, and Andre Morell as the suave and likable thug is also magnificent. See "Cash on Demand" and reconsider how you treat those in your life who are subservient to you.   

Planet of the Sharks, Jacques Cousteau's Prophecy

I know. He was an idiot.  But!  He spoke with a French accent so people pretended he was smart.  According to Jacques Cousteau, by 1980 all the oceans would be a lifeless black goo. He said this in 1972. Ted Danson predicted the oceans would be gone by the early 1990s.  Global Warming apologists always get it wrong.  Here in 2024, people are finally dropping their belief in this junk science.  However, in 2016, as a tip of the hat to the 1968 Charlton Heston classic, "Planet of the Apes," the Asylum one-upped it with the 2016 film, "Planet of the Sharks," directed by Mark Atkins.

Okay...don't yell at me.  Really...this film has merit. Caroline Munro is in it and she swaps a lot of spit with a phony Japanese pseudo-hunk.  I'm only being a little deceptive...Caroline Munro is the name of a character played by the very lovely and charming Christia Visser. The movie?  Fine, here goes. Global warming has caused all the land masses to submerge and temperatures to rise. An alpha shark controls every shark in the ocean and begins wiping out floating cities.  The few survivors are idiots, though the female scientists are babes. Dr. Shayne Nichols (Stephanie Beran) works for Dr. Shaw (Lindsay Sullivan), and so does Dr. Munro.  The plan is to build a rocket that will blow up the sun, fire a laser past the clouds, and blow up a volcano.  Right!  Doing this, if successful, will bring land back.

As sharks eat humans in the cities, Barrick (Brandon Auret) has a boat in which he helps the babe scientists.  There are other guys in this film...but who cares.  Shayne will utilize parasailing to blow up the volcano.  Will this work?  Why wouldn't it?  Barrick will kamikaze a tsunami...who wouldn't?  Munro will swap spit with a dweeb with a Japanese name (John B. Swart).  The sharks eat a helicopter out of the air and come after the survivors.  The toothy fish should beware...the humans have harpoons.  Oh, I didn't mention D'Amato (Angie Teodora Dick)...she's a real dick, but we like her.  No matter, she'll be eaten early on after doing a weird shark dance.

If the humans survive, which male will get to repopulate with Caroline Munro?  Is this the film that should have been made instead of the slightly overrated 1968 so-called ape classic?  Is this film the legacy of the blowhard oceanographer Jacques Cousteau?  If you like films from The Asylum that appeared on Syfy, check out "Planet of the Sharks."   

Mountain Shark, When Tremors Meets Jaws

If you had any doubt as to the impotence of NATO, see today's film. Our feature today presents the most accurate image of NATO and its troops. As the alliance runs away from any skirmishes with Russia, their brass dine in luxury in fancy restaurants in Belgium.  With NATO protecting western Europe, you folks in Germany, France, and England better brush up on your Russian. Today we look at the film Steven Spielberg wanted to make before his budget was scaled down, 2024's "Mountain Shark," directed by Greg Ak.

Okay, a secret weapons experiment in a mountain base in England, sees a mad scientist, Dr. Eric Nesbitt (Stephen Samson), and the babe Major Hawkes (Angela Wilding) creating the ultimate killing machine. A genetically engineered shark that swims underground in the mountains.  The shark gets out of hand and eats hikers. Hawkes calls in five elite commandos who specialize in tracking down weapons that get out of hand.  Don't ask.  The five commando idiots show up...what losers!  The commander is Walker (Stephen Staley), a coward.  Two un-passionate lesbians, Gina (Ema Ekaete) and Paige (Julia Quayle), and cold-fish Lauren (Emily Felicia Moore) round out the team...incompetents!  They scare easy and are real stupid.  In their briefing with Major Hawkes, she tells them they cannot be informed about what this weapon is.  Apparently knowing about it will make them easier for the thing to hunt them down.  The fools buy this.

The plan for Hawkes and Nesbitt is to have the commandos eaten by the monster shark. Then the duo will tell command all about the shark. Huh? Go with it.  The shark continues eating hikers.  Paige makes a move on Gina who is not in the mood.  Lauren has a great scene in which she imitates a statue. Nesbitt goes bananas. Walker engineers a haggard retreat.  Yep...NATO!  The shark? It roars, it eats, it seems unstoppable.  This is okay with us as we are rooting for it, even though it is a non-vague metaphor for Vladimir Putin's Russia.  As NATO falls, we cheer.  

Will any of our British commandos survive, make it back to England, and file a complaint against the shark for racism or sexual harassment?  Does Britain stand a chance as we progress through the 21st century?  Is Britain taking cues from the U.S. Army on recruiting strategies?  You'll love the shark.  You will love the ending.  Annoyed by leftists who drive Toyota Prius'?  You must see this movie.  See "Mountain Shark," and then order Rosetta Stone and learn Russian. 

Cannibal World, Gratuitous Nudity and Gore in the Amazon

Any redeeming qualities? Nope.  Gore...nudity...extreme gore while nude...you have been warned.  We also have catfights, babes competing in bikinis, seduction, and gore.  Oh, I said gore again...sorry.  Shot in The Philippines, set in the Amazon jungle, no other film has captured the ethos of Brazil and its people better than 2004's "Cannibal World," directed by Bruno Mattei. Oh, yes...the dubbing makes this a classic Euro-Trash gore-fest.

Grace (Helena Wagner), an info-babe/reporterette is about to have her show cancelled due to falling ratings. The sexpot with a microphone has an idea. Join up with her former lover and colleague in the Amazon and go look for cannibals.  Bob (Claudio Morales) is a hunk and needs dinero, thus he agrees. Also along is the often nude Cindy (Cindy Jelic Matic), and camera guys Ted (Antoine Reboul) and Ricky (Kevin Maxwell). The quintet head into the river and jungle and find natives...just not cannibals.  You know reporterettes...they do fake news well.  With some hearty editing, the TV audience will see cannibals.  Then...to Bob's surprise the cannibals show up. Grace strips her bikini and persuades their Indian guide to take them deep into cannibal territory.

Okay, you can probably guess...the cannibal gore will be extreme, especially with the big breasted nubile natives.  Guts are pulled out.  Heads are cracked open like walnuts and brains pulled out.  I won't go on, but what happens on the screen will cause you to cover your eyes.  Then, Grace, Bob, and crew get stupid.  For ratings purposes they engineer a war.  Now the quintet is on the run from these hungry and angry cannibals.  Nudity and gore will continue.  The big breasted Cindy and Grace will have something else to worry about...as cannibalistic natives are just like horny western thugs.  

Will Bob, Grace, and crew survive the cannibals?  Will Grace and Cindy catfight and passionately make-up with one another?  Will the cannibals spare the big breasted babes for other purposes?  Gory and very gratuitous.  Nudity galore.  You have been warned.  For a prurient film with no redeeming social value, see Bruno Mattei's "Cannibal World."    

Spookies, The Undead and Flatulance

Farting zombie monsters!  Yes!  I said...farting zombie monsters!  Deal with it. This trope has not been used again since this 1986 gem that we'll look at today. Unfortunately this film was not released in theaters with the assistance of Smell-O-Rama.  Yes, Smell-O-Rama was a real thing.  Like Sense-Around, it never caught on. Oodles of demon/vampire/zombie monsters...sultry babes in peril...stupid hunks unable to one-up the evil things, and a ghoulish master sorcerer controlling the whole shebang.  Yes!  Our feature today is 1986's "Spookies" directed by Genie Joseph, Thomas Doran, and Brendan Faulkner. 

Kreon (Felix Ward) is an ages old sorcerer determined to bring his babe wife, Isabelle (Maria Pechukas), back to life after 70 years. To do this he needs the souls of a lot of hunks and babes. His trusty ghoul/vampire assistant (Dan Scott) with a hook for a hand will help him. On cue, two carloads of hunks and babes arrive.  Right away, zombies come out of their graves and chase the idiots into the sorcerer's mansion...the same mansion John Jay (Supreme Court Justice) resided in. Now the babes and hunks are trapped. A corpse delivers a Ouija Board and it possesses babe Carol (Lisa Friede)...now she's possessed by Kreon. Carol now tries to kill her friends and they all scatter throughout the mansion. We pin our affections on Linda (Joan Ellen Delaney), probably because her big boobs hang out of her tight sweater.

Kreon or Carol resurrect monsters...three farting zombie fiends, a spider woman (Soo Paek), vampires, lizard/gargoyle monsters, giant spiders, etc. After a few kills, Isabelle comes back to life and tells Kreon she is not interested in him anymore. Now, clad in a nice alluring wedding gown, the former corpse Isabelle, is on the run. As Carol resurrects the grim reaper, the hunks and babes keep running.  The deaths will be gory and some elongated.  Cleavage will be highlighted, and Isabelle will herself be pawed, molested, and sexually assaulted by a horde of graveyard zombies. 

Will Kreon prevail and make Isabelle love him again?  Do any of the aforementioned hunks and babes have a chance at seeing the end credits? Filmed at John Jay's mansion, is this film a metaphor for the deadly and ghoulish direction the U.S. Supreme Court has proceeded in over the years?  This is a good one.  A lot of babes in peril.  A lot of hunks in peril. Farting zombies, and terrific creature f/x will make you smile.  See "Spookies" for a Friday night movie night with someone you love.   

Dr. Mabuse vs. Scotland Yard, German Super-Villain Strikes Again

The German Super-Villain, Dr. Mabuse, dates back to 1922, at least in German film. Like many Bond villains, he was just too good of a bad guy to retire after his death.  Hence, bring him back!  Why not!?  Patrick Duffy was brought back in "Dallas," even though no one wanted him back. This mad scientist, dabbing in the supernatural, is just too good of an antagonist to worry about mortality.  In this 1963 German film, set in Hamburg, he's back!  Our feature today is "Dr. Mabuse vs. Scotland Yard," directed by Paul May. 

Yep...he's back.  But how?  Dr. Mabuse (Wolfgang Preiss) was killed many years ago. He is in Hamburg plotting world conquest. One must admire his ambition. This is the deal, he has his henchmen help a demented army doctor escape from a prison train. Now Cockstone (Dieter Bosche) works for him. Mabuse gives Cockstone a different face and sends him to work for a scientist who is inventing a machine that can control the thoughts of others and turn them into Mabuse's drones. Cockstone murders the scientist and steals the device. Now Mabuse uses it to enslave powerful and influential Germans. Insp. Vulpius (Werner Peters), and Insp. Wright (Klaus Kinski) are on the case and call in Scotland Yard genius, Major Bill Tern (Peter van Eyck), the man who got Mabuse many years ago, to assist. 

Mabuse, the mad genius he is, co-opts an influential German princess, Diana (Ruth Wilbert) with the plan to install her as the new German leader. He also co-opts Tern's negligee clad GF, Nancy (Sabine Bethmann). Now it's personal and Tern, working with the two inspectors, seem on their own as half of Germany is entranced by Mabuse. Ah, but wait! Tern is brilliant and he just may have found a vulnerability to this telepathy device.  With half of the German police entranced, our trio must be careful but also work fast.  As Mabuse is ready to inflict his final assault in conquering Germany, Tern and his two buddies must bravely act and take the fight to the mad scientist.

Can Tern rescue Nancy and Diana from the spell they're under?  Just what does Mabuse plan to do with Germany after conquering it?  Will negligee clad Nancy and Princess Diana engage in a gratuitous catfight over Tern...or Mabuse?  This is a campy, quirky, and fun one with a bit of wit to it.  If you like larger than life mad villains, Dr. Mabuse is someone you have to meet.  See "Dr. Mabuse vs. Scotland Yard," and enjoy the madness.  

Crucible of the Vampire, Erotic and Neo-Gothic Vampire Tale

Okay...it is a cauldron. Not a crucible. At least that is what they refer to it as in this erotic movie. A nubile blonde babe, sought after by sultry blonde babe vampires.  Need I say anything more? She'll be seduced by them and they will want to bite her. Oh yes, a back story that takes place hundreds of years ago will tell all about the cauldron but we won't mention much about that. Suffice it to say, eroticism will rule the day, as will blood. Today we look at 2019's "Crucible of the Vampire," directed by Iain Ross-McNamee.

Very sultry Isabelle (Katie Goldfinch) is a virgin! Yay! We know what sultry vampire babes do to virgins in these movies. She works for a university museum and is sent to the Scott-Morton mansion/estate to evaluate something they found buried in their basement. Right!  No cell reception at this mansion headed by the creepy old guy Karl Scott-Morton (Larry Rew). He supposedly has found half a cauldron and knows the museum has the other half. If the two halves are reunited, it would be priceless.  Of course, you and I know what else will happen if the two halves are reunited. Right. While evaluating the find Isabelle meets the family...all weird.  Most notably is Scarlet (Florence Cady). Scarlet is a sultry blonde that has a lesbian attraction to the virgin Isabelle.  Isabelle won't even come close to resisting Scarlet's seduction.

Now it is apparent that Karl and the family want Isabelle and her virgin blood.  Scarlet wants a bit more from Isabelle than just her blood. Isabelle wants to escape...but all the doors are locked. A veritable prisoner in the mansion, Isabelle starts seeing a ghostly blonde babe vampire walk the halls.  Karl seems to be prepping for something. Isabelle is able to translate the writings on the outside of the artifact and it claims to be a tool for a necromancer to do unholy things. Scarlet keeps popping up in Isabelle's dreams and the dreams get erotic. Yes, the two babe blondes will end up in bed together in a moment of weakness or entrancement of Isabelle. Karl is ready.  Isabelle tries to flee...but will be caught.  Now the dark lady from centuries ago desires to be brought back into the world.

Will Isabelle's virgin blood be of help in summoning the centuries old vampire?  Will Scarlet and Isabelle catfight or make bacchanal love together?  Does Isabelle stand a chance of keeping her virgin blood, or will it be drained, or sucked out by the amorous Scarlet?  This is a creepy and erotic vampire tale.  Perhaps nothing new in this film, but the actresses are sultry and Isabelle's plight is horrific. For a neat vampire film, see "Crucible of the Vampire."

Snow Falls, Freezing to Death

I live in Virginia. Every time the thermometer goes below 45 degrees, schools are cancelled.  Seems children may get cold waiting for the bus.  The bus? Yeah, it doesn't stop at a bus stop...it stops right in front of the kid's house.  Every kid's house. No child shall have to walk more than 10 feet in the cold. yep...we are a country of wusses. We teach our children to be weak and narcissistic.  As an experiment, America has failed. What if the temps drop below freezing and the food runs out? Today we have a grim one.  This film will detail the horror of real blizzards, freezing temperatures, and starvation.  Our feature today is a Colton Tran film, 2023's "Snow Falls."

Snow Falls is a ski resort way up north.  Five friends head into the wilderness on the outskirts of this resort.  River's (Johnny Berchtold) folks have a luxury cabin up there.  Babe Eden (Anna Grace Barlow) is a blonde pre-med student who just lost her mom to cancer.  Em (Victoria Moroles), a babe, is there with her hunk BF Andy (James Gaisford).  The proverbial third wheel is Kit (Tran). At first, it is apparent that Eden still grieves for her deceased mother. We sense the nerd River has a crush on Eden...smart man!  Kit cracks inappropriate jokes...we like him. Em and Andy only want to have pre-marital sex. Blizzard hits.  Lights go out.  Heat goes out.  Someone forgot to go to the grocery store. The insulation in this place is awful and soon the five buddies begin freezing to death.

Hypothermia sets in. Their minds go.  Hallucinations abound,  Their behavior gets self destructive.  Their bodies begin eating themselves.  Eden, as a pre-med student, has an inkling of what is happening.  Telling her mates exactly what is going on does not seem to help.  The hallucinations cause extreme paranoia. We like Eden, she is smart and beautiful, and she does a yeoman's job in keeping her friends alive. Alas, she is only a pre-med student and her smarts cannot raise the temperature or procure nourishment.  What happens to some of these likable peeps is sad and gruesome.  Days go by...no heat, no food, and increased paranoia and hallucination.

Will any of these peeps survive?  Does Eden have knowledge of the Donner Party, and if she does will she share that information with her buddies?  Will River man-up enough to make a move on the nubile pre-med student?  Not the feel good film of 2023, but as winter sets in, and you are looking for a real horror story, see "Snow Falls."  

Uncaged, A Lion in Amsterdam

Gotta love it.  If a gory killing has not happened in the past 30 seconds, just wait another few seconds.  Death counts that are off the charts!  "Jaws" had five peeps eaten by a shark.  Our feature today has 135 gory kills (okay, only a slight exaggeration).  Known for films of blood, gore, and disembowelment, The Netherlands has given us a nice one.  Okay, so I embellish about The Netherlands, too. Our feature today is the Dick Maas 2016 bloodbath, "Uncaged" (aka "Prey"). 

A couple of horny teen-age lovers are devoured by a lion in Amsterdam.  To make matters worse, the skanks mom and dad, and six year old sister are eaten moments later. Five dead in just a few seconds. This pace will continue.  Lizzy (Sophie van Winden), a sultry blonde veterinarian at the zoo is consulted by the police.  A detective named Olaf (Rienus Krul) asks Lizzy guidance and she tells him this was no boating accident.  She says it in Dutch so it may have got lost in translation. Now Amsterdam has a lion problem. The media is going crazy with this story.  Lizzy's two-timing BF, Dave (Julian Looman) is with the TV station, and will remain by Lizzy's side throughout this story hoping for a scoop or pre-marital sex.  He'll get both.

Okay, the .lion feeds often.  Children are eaten.  Delivery guys are eaten. Hunters are eaten. You name it. After a hunter, who is a pal of the chief, is eaten, Lizzy's ex-husband is called in. Lizzy still has feelings for him making Dave insecure.  Jack (Mark Frost) is the planet's best lion hunter.  He arrives.  Uh oh.  His last hunt did not go well and he shows up sporting only one leg and riding a mechanized wheelchair.  He also wants sex with Lizzy.  Lizzy, if I may say, is quite the Nordic babe and wears leather pants well. Jack is good and takes the fight to the toothy maneater.  The maneater is good, too, and almost seems to be expecting the one-legged hero.  Lizzy keeps looking fantastic even as she ploughs through the gore and hunk guys.

Where did this lion come from?  Will Lizzy go back to the one-legged ex-husband or will she opt for her two-timing lover?  Just how can a one-legged hunter confined to a big motorized wheelchair hunt a lion?  Gore will be the common theme throughout this entire film.  Oh!  The ending!  Wow!  You'll see.  For a fantastic creature film with a lot of kills and some nice gore, see "Uncaged."

Cursed, Stupid American vs. Euro-Babe Witch

Set in rural Romania...filmed in Wisconsin.  One has superstition and gypsies.  The other has cheese and the Packers.  One has magic, curses, and mysterious deaths.  The other has an overflow from Chicago, an overflow from Scandinavia, and secular Catholics.  I will say that it is nice to see a witch in Romania who doesn't have a mole on her face with a single strand of hair growing out of it. Our feature today is 2024 "Cursed," directed by Patrick Corcoran.

Stupid dweeb American Gordon (Billy Branigan) is hiking through rural Romania...probably looking for The Slaughtered Lamb. He is out of money and hungry. The dweeb comes across a fruit stand that seems unattended.  He steals some apple, and the cash box that has a lot of money in it. The weather gets colder and he seeks refuge at a nearby farmhouse occupied by the sultry Zulema (Sarah Bonrepaux). She lets him in, feeds him, and shows some signals that she may want to seduce him. Uh oh...she tells Gordon that her grandmother, the old hag Olga (Lamya Regrauui Muzio), is upstairs and runs the fruit stand.  She also tells him that Olga provides the region with the freshest fruit and curses anyone who steals from her stand.

The horror begins. The next morning, Olga and Gordon meet.  She knows he stole from her and he bludgeons her to death after she projectile vomits at him. A heartwarming scene, I may add. Now he hides the body and claims ignorance when Zulema wonders where her grandmother is. Alas, she knows.  Now Gordon has no idea what he is in for.  Pre-marital sex will occur but not for the reasons it usually occurs.  Then Gordon begins changing.  What follows is horrific and gory.  The last ten minutes of the film will give you some imagery that will stay with you through days of nightmares. 

Just what did Zulema give to Gordon through this pre-marital sex?  Does Gordon have a prayer of escaping the witch Zulema? Just what does Zulema have planned for Gordon?  Creepy and moralistic, this film will be unsettling and cold.  For a good Friday night movie watch, see "Cursed." 

The Stalking, Day of the Triffids Meets The Evil Dead

Who can forget the scene where the tree raped the poor damsel in 1981's "The Evil Dead"?  How about 1963's "The Day of the Triffids"? Pretty scary...both films.  "Triffids" was remade by British TV but the remake was horrible.  Plants on the warpath...creepy (literally). Something about creeping plants, roots that sneak up on you, tear you apart, get inside you and explode out...ick...and eek! Today we have a film that will cause you to feel those roots sneaking up your body.  You'll itch, twitch, and squirm as you will imagine the invasion on your own self. Our feature today is from two of this blog's favorite people, Jeff Kirkendall and Mark Polonia, 2024's "The Stalking."

Joey (Cody Losinger), a nerd-teen, is a good sort. As the film begins, after a weird satanic rite, he is bullied by a mean gang.  Diesel (Justin Gordon), Diz (Anna Dainton), and Rod (Kyle Rappaport) are three of the gang bullies who end up beating and humiliating our nerd.  Joey is a good sort and takes comfort in two buddies, also nerds. Lauren (Jada Sanchez) and Marc (Stephen Pflug) want revenge, Not bloody revenge, as this trio are good sorts.  They concoct a plan that will utilize a stink bomb. Nerds! Meanwhile, remember that satanic rite I mentioned...it worked. Something is happening in this little town as Halloween approaches.  A scarecrow beckons for life.  Plants, sunflowers most notably, seem to animate.  They pull up roots and roam, think triffids. They even smoke weed...how fitting.

The stoned triffid-wannabes begin attacking.  Most of the victims have it coming as this little town has more deviants than Peyton Place.  The plants strangle, decapitate, pull apart, and invade the body.  The deaths are gory and ominous.  No one dies quickly in this film. Our nerd trio adopts a plan for revenge... not a good one, but when dealing with stupid bullies, one doesn't need Einstein in the gang. Marc has made the ultimate stink bomb, and now the nerds are on the offense..  Unfortunately for all involved, the real satanic killer will adopt a scythe. A scythe?  Has there ever been a bad horror film where the killer used a scythe.  Kind of like a sickle except more sophisticated.  The flamethrower of the folk horror subgenre, one might say. 

Will our nerds gain their revenge or die trying?  Will any of the bullies survive to the end credits? Will our stoned triffid-like things rape any nubile babes like in that 1981 classic?  This is a fun one with some great gore and creature f/x.  Mr. Kirkendall and Mr. Polonia have always known what horror fans want in their movies, and these two have delivered big time.  See "The Stalking" on the free streaming service of Fawesome by clicking this link THE STALKING .

The Amityville Moon, Werewolf Eats Babes

Amityville!  This may come as a surprise to you but this film has absolutely nothing to do with that dreaded house, possession, the Lutz family, or anything regarding what we know as "The Amityville Horror."  I guess "The Amityville Moon" sounds a lot better than "The Levittown Moon." But, we do have a nice cheese factor.  Sure, most of the babes will be shredded.  Our feature today is 2021's "The Amityville Moon," directed by Thomas J. Churchill.

Okay, as our film begins a werewolf chases down some schmuck and shreds him. Fast forward, two at-risk young female criminals try to escape from a Catholic Rehabilitation Home.  The gals there are either junkies, whores, abused, runaways, or exotic dancers sentenced to be there. The sultry Alyssa (Alex Rinehart) and Karla (Kelsey Zukowski) are trying to escape through a window. Alyssa makes it and Kelsey is pureed by a werewolf. Meanwhile, Detective Kimball (Trey McCurley) has just got his badge back after a suspension...anger issues. His first assignment is to find the two runaways, not knowing Karla has been digested. He goes to the home and talks to Father Peter (David B. Meadows) and Sister Ruth (Tuesday Knight). Both of these Catholics are obviously keeping secrets.  Like what? Like Sister Francis (Katrina Leigh Waters), a babe. She's also in a coma...kind of, being fed blood.  A clue!

Okay, more girls get ripped apart.  Alyssa is found at the biker bar she worked at as a cocktail waitress.  She was there to try to  buy a gun with silver bullets...think she knows something? Kimball kind of believes her even though he brings her back to Father Peter and Sister Ruth. Meanwhile, we get indication that Francis is not in a coma but very...hungry.  More babes get eaten.  Now Alyssa takes it upon herself to try to escape again as Kimball tries to get to the bottom of what is going on in the house. More babes get eaten.  One poor babe even gets her face swatted off.  Now Sister Francis is out of bed...and on the prowl.

Will Detective Kimball need cocktail waitress Alyssa to save him?  Will any babe be left with her internal organs as the end credits role?  Is this film a metaphor of the chaos and tumult the Catholic church has been in ever since it adopted The Apocrypha and drove Martin Luther away? For some gory carnage, with babes screaming bloody murder, see "The Amityville Moon."    

Stark Fear, Sultry Babe Put Through the Ringer

Fans of Beverly Garland will find this one very difficult to watch. The sultry actress, usually in horror films, makes this dark thriller.  In it she will be humiliated, toyed with, beaten, and, oh yes, brutally raped. Maybe the creepiest and most humiliating rape of movie history. Her black lacy bra will actually be an important prop throughout the film. This is one that you may think reaches its darkest point...then it gets darker and more sordid. Our feature today is 1962's "Stark Fear," directed by Ned Hockman.

Ellen (Garland) only desires to please her oil executive husband, Gerry (Skip Homeier) on his birthday. She'll buy and put on a very sexy black lace bra and bring home a birthday cake. Gerry's company has not been finding oil of late so he is grouchy. Ellen has taken a new job to pay the bills with the hunk Cliff (Kenneth Tobey). She arrives home and her drunk husband pummels and humiliates her. He is upset that she has taken a job with a hunk. He calls her a tramp and belts her around. Now Gerry orders her to refuse the job she was just offered. The beating and humiliation Gerry delivered Ellen is hard to watch, and now she wanders the park in her roughed up state.  What will ultimately make matters worse for her, Cliff still pursues her, not only as a secretary but romantically.

Now it gets really brutal and sadistic, this movie. Ellen, if at all possible, desires to save her marriage... mistake. When Gerry goes missing she tries to find him and learns some weird secrets about her husband.  She finds out he actually hails from a small Oklahoma town and drives there. Big mistake. The town is weird and is filled with weird people and shops.  Rapists and drunks abound and the smartly dressed and made-up Ellen is no match for the deviance and brutality that will violate her there.  In one horrific scene, she is pulled into a graveyard and...well, you'll see. Can this get worse? Oh yes.  You'll see.  The last act in this film ramps up the sordid deviance three levels.  Alas, the sultry Beverly Garland will have turned in a heartbreaking and difficult performance.  Alas, the beautiful will suffer so much in this film.

Will Ellen be able to save her husband from whatever ails him?  Just what secrets lay in Gerry's spooky home town?  Will Cliff be able to be a white horse and come in and save the pretty Ellen? Beverly Garland is one of my favorite actresses and to watch her performance in this film will be unforgettable. See "Stark Fear," and be ready to gasp and squirm.