Battlefield Earth, John Travolta and his Annoying Laugh

Okay, this one got 2.5 stars out of 10 in IMDB. This is interesting because it is a far superior film than "Star Wars." Better acting, too.  John Travolta and Forest Whitaker are fine actors.  Let's face it, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher were hacks.  Both of them should have taken an acting class. So why are we bent on hating 2000's "Battlefield Earth"?  Well, it was written by the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard.  It was made with big help from Scientologists.  Okay, Scientology is weird but at least they don't rape and pillage Latin and South America, start wars just so defense firms can get wealthy, or consider themselves their own country. You have to be suspicious of Scientology critics when the leading one is that failed, second rate actress Leah Remini.

Let's talk plot. Humans are an endangered species in the year 3000. Living in the wilderness, evil Psychlos have taken over the planet and are plundering its resources. Sound familiar? These fiends are led by Terl (Travolta) and he has a plan. His plan is to train the humans to mine the gold mines in the Rockies, and abscond with the gold himself. His faithful liege is Ker (Whitaker). Meanwhile, Johnny (Barry Pepper) has been taken prisoner by Terl. He plans to escape, start an uprising, and kill all the Psychlos. Terl's greed will be his undoing as he puts Johnny in the knowledge machine so he can teach mining to the rest of the humans. Johnny is a good student and learns a lot more. Now Johnny organizes the enslaved human into a plot to rebel, kill the alien invaders, and blow up the Planet Psychlo.

Johnny has a lust for freedom based in reality. Unlike in "Star Wars" which has that silly "force" that can be anything you want. As Terl and his greed rule with brutality, Johnny leads by inspiration and example. Hardly modern day American ideals...maybe that's why we are supposed to hate this film. A lot of battles will occur, but when Johnny figures out a way to use the fighter jets from the old U.S. military (better than those Ukrainian pilots learned to fly F-16s), he kind of evens the playing field.  A major war for the continuation of the human race has now begun.

Remember what Hollywood had before Scientology?  What did Scientology replace in the mid-1970s? You peeps who lived through the 70s will remember Satanism had its claws in Hollywood. The grand Satanic priest, Anton Lavey hosted the biggest and most influential parties. The fools of Hollywood dropped him and adopted Scientology. As annoying as they are they did make a film far superior than "Star Wars" and that Mandolorian garbage.  For a pretty good and action packed sci-fi film, with loads of human inspiration (no forces), see "Battlefield Earth" and try to avoid the rantings of that so-called actress, whatever her name is.    

Ship of the Damned, Worse than a Carnival Cruise with a Plumbing Problem

On the surface we have the standard ghost pirate ship story. Okay, the cannibal element makes it a bit gorier.  However, after the end credits begin rolling you will see that you have just watched a creepy and unsettling horror flick. Those of you who are similar to me and love ghost ship horror, and today we have a good one. The ghost ship in question is a 400 year old pirate ship and it is a dark, dank, creaky haunted house on the seas.  Let us look at 2024's "Ship of the Damned," directed by Steve Lawson. 

It's here. Where did it come from? The backstory of this ghost ship began 400 years ago.  During the blockade of Cartagena, the pirates sought gold as they held a city captive. Uh oh...instead they are given a woman. She is, like many women is a witch (I didn't say that, autocorrect strikes again). The witch curses them and now they are destined to sail the seas forever without any possibility of pulling into port. Now they show up on the west coast of England. Hence, Elena (Hannaj Bang Bendz), the babe MMA fighter/Ph.D. is summoned. She wrote her thesis on pirate ships.  The ship is believed deserted. Elena is a babe who broke up with her doting BF four years ago.  Now the BF,  Michael (Jacob Anderton), works for the Coast Guard and summons his former GF with hopes of rekindling the romance they once had. Them and two Coast Guard hunks will board the vessel and see what is going on.

The two Coast Guard hunks?  They'll be eaten. Very bloody. Eaten? Yep...the pirates are still on board.  They are also cannibals. Cursed and grouchy, they are fascinated by Elena.  Jacob (Ben Manning) a brute who captains the ship wants Elena to bare them children. In other words, he intends to use Elena as a breeding vessel. Elena is smart and plots escape.  Her old BF, Michael is also smart. The duo appear to be able to outsmart the pirates.  Sad...the pirates aren't as dumb as Michael and Elena believe.  But wait!  How many 17th century babes were schooled in MMA fighting?  Well, I'm not sure if I know the answer to that.  Uh oh...Jacob offers a cryptic piece of their history.  The ship is not cursed...him and his crew are.

Will Elena and Michael be able to escape and rekindle what they had four years ago?  Will the curse on the pirates be removed?  Is there a match brewing between the hulk of a pirate Jacob, and the MMA schooled Elena?  Does this sound pretty standard?  It isn't.  The ending is shocking.  Nothing in this film goes the way you assume it would. For some shocking horror on the high seas, see "Ship of the Damned." 

Goddess of Love, Psycho Stripper

All women are complete whack-balls!  Wait!  I didn't say that. Damn auto-correct!  What I meant to say is that some women have emotional issues...probably the fault of men in their lives. Not here.  Our psycho-babe today is a complete Norman Bates.  She even has a big knife.  We will try to forgive her for her indiscretions in this film as she is also quite the babe.  Our feature today is 2015's "Goddess of Love," directed by Jon Knautz.

Venus (Alexis Kendra) is a stripper...and guess what!  Venus is her name. Really, Venus Noella. She's quite the babe. On stage she eyes a customer, Brian (Woody Naismith) and she falls in love with him. The two find a backroom and get it on.  They'll have a lot of pre-marital sex before Brian, a hunk, realizes she is a complete whack-ball (there's that term again). Brian is a fashion and nude photographer and his babe wife just committed suicide.  Venus takes an unhealthy obsession to him.  Soon, he will feel smothered by the psycho-babe and begin avoiding her.  She'll track him down and find him dating the sultry, but a bit more clean cut, Christine (Elizabeth Sandy). Catfight coming?  Oh!  To say the least. When Christine has the baseball bat and Venus has the hunting dagger, well, let's just say it makes beautiful cinema.

Okay, so what is going on? You divorced guys know. Psycho babes have an expiration date.  They may be good for a week but then...run away!  Venus' obsession with Brian gets to the bloody stage.  She will let nothing get in the way with her being with her hunk.  She'll turn violent and her paranoic schizophrenia will be on display.  By the way, she is not taking anything for this psychological malady.  Christine?  Yep, she's in mortal danger. Venus will try to keep working but Brian's rejection causes her to try to castrate her customers at the exotic dance club. No more plot.  The last part of this film is wild. 

Will Brian see the err of his ways and take back psycho-babe?  Will Christine end up gutted by psycho-babe? Will Venus' obsession ever serve as a turn on to any guy out there?  Brutal and difficult to watch at times.  Alexis Kendra masterfully portrays an insane woman becoming more and more insane as the film progresses.  Erotic and prurient, "Goddess of Love" is a film that will arouse and shock you.

Sex Game, Social Media Influencers in Peril

Social Media Influencers in peril from cannibalistic mutants? I know...we'll be cheering for the mutants. Today we have a heartwarming tale of a hunk and babe social influencer...both idiots (probably Taylor Swift fans).  Even worse than these two "influencers" are the millions that watch and follow them. Although, they do have a nice shtick. These two ingrates accept challenges for money to go to certain places and engage in deviant and passionate pre-marital sex...on camera! Today we look at 2023's "Sex Game," directed by Luca Zanlorenzi.

Our nympho-duo is in Italy. We like her, Rachel (Alice Doyle). She wears a leather corset, go-go boots, and fishnets.  Her miniskirt gives Ryan (Riccardo Fusero), a dweeb, easy access, shall we say? They are completing challenges all over Italy. Next up is to screw in a house of royalty. Uh oh...its closed for tourists.  Next challenge, a haunted or mysterious setting with a creepy or homicidal past. Lucky for them a small ghost town in the Italian Alps is only a half hour away. See, back in the 1970s there was an environmental disaster there. A nuclear plant blew up and all the residents turned into cannibalistic mutants.  Quarantine ensued, and the place is off limits, still.

Rachel and Ryan, despite being warned by the creepy gondola operator, go to the top of the mountain and find the town.  There doesn't appear to be anyone there.  They'll screw in the tent on their first evening up the mountain. The plan is to screw in the town the next morning.  Uh oh...they are not alone. They'll complete the challenge but no cell service prevents anyone from seeing it. Now the cannibalistic mutants are after them. The fiends have already murdered scientists in containment suits.  These hideous beings plan on eating our dynamic duo.  Now our influencers are on the run, and of course Rachel is not dressed for running.

With her go-go boots, mini-skirt, leather corset, and fishnets, is Rachel at risk of completing the challenge with someone (or something) other than Ryan?  If they eat Rachel, exactly what do we mean by "eating"?  Might Rachel be used as a birthing vessel for future mutants?  Perhaps a metaphor of what insane environmental policies in the EU may cause.  The more pertinent metaphor is what most of the world thinks of the youngsters in the EU and their shotty morals and narcissism. Go mutants!  For a fun warning to all you social media influencers, see "Sex Game." 

Kiss Me Monster, Euro-Babes and Sacrificial Cults

Okay, so picture this. The sultry Euro-Babe secret agent knocked out by another sultry babe, this one Asian. The Euro-Babe will be put in a cage, chained up and whipped by Asian babes as the leader of a lesbian virgin cult snickers on the sideline.  No, not a sequel to "La Dolce Vita," but the 1969 Jesus Franco film "Kiss Me Monster." Jesus Franco?  Picture a poor man's Jean Rollin.  Jean Rollin? Fine, we'll spell it out for you, Euro-Babes in danger, sometimes making out with each-other, often dying horribly, and nude a lot. Bring this one up at your next book club!  

Two sultry secret agent dames, twin sisters Diana (Janine Reynaud) and Regina (Rosanna Yanni) are hired by INTERPOL to find a missing genius and his secret formula. The dames go about their investigations by posing as an internationally renown stripper duo, The Red Lips. Now they hit an isle of Spain and begin snooping and performing. Their acts are quite...arousing. They'll meet an assortment of weirdos, many want to rape and kill them. During one of their striptease acts, Regina meets the missing scientist, but he is murdered before he can tell her anything. Now two cults are after them.  One dresses in red cloaks and black dunce cap type hoods. The other one, the aforementioned lesbian virgins, abduct and torture Regina. Oh! Some mad scientist has created hunk clones with the minds of dogs and these guys invade the cult, kill the virgins and abscond with their leader.   

Regina and Diana are together again and each has found out a lot of information. They'll be double-crossed but their seduction techniques get them out of a lot of hairy situations. The babes will frolic in bikinis, striptease costumes, and other playful garments as they are abducted, roughed up, and put in forms of bondage.  Fear not, their seduction abilities is the greatest weapon of all in this film.  Now it appears everyone they meet is an imposter, a double-crosser, or a weird cultist (just like the U.S. State Department).  Many of those peeps will die horribly, as our sultry sister duo get closer to solving a mystery that should never be solved.

Will Diana and Regina end up in a massive catfight with the virgin lesbian cult?  Will our sultry duo be chained up together and whipped by rival strippers?  Will these two Euro-Babes have any clothes on when they do solve the mystery?  Ha!  You thought there was nothing left on the streaming services that was of any interest to you!  See "Kiss Me Monster," and enjoy a playful Jesus Franco film with a lot of Euro-Babe seduction and violence.

Megalodon: The Frenzy, Sharks Eat the Navy

This is a sequel! Do you have to see the original to understand what goes on in this one? Heavens no, just read the 1880 Guy de Maupassant novel.  Do yourself a favor and read it in the original French. Just know in the first one, a big shark eats a lot of the U.S. Navy.  In the this one, the big fish goes through the U.S. Navy like the Yemeni Houthis do.  I also need to say it is wonderful to see Eric Roberts and Caroline Williams.  Our feature today, from The Asylum, is 2023's "Megalodon: The Frenzy," directed by Brendan Petrizzo.

A bunch of megalodons (big sharks) are eating along the California and Mexican coasts.  Eating? Yep, the U.S. Navy, surfers, babes walking on the beach, luxury yachts, and submarines. These things are getting to be 200 feet in length. Captain Sharp (Roberts) commanding the USS King is trying to destroy them.  His marines are getting eaten as the fish flies up and lands on the warship's deck.  Near Hawaii, Dr. Clark (Williams) is harnessing energy from a volcano.  A big breasted Ph.D. candidate, Kristy (Jessica Chancellor) arrives to help out.  Clark is her idol.  Other than her great big...smile, she will be of no use to Clark's team and research other than screwing up.  We still like her because of her...smile! The sharks begin attacking her undersea research laboratory and now they are able to capture one. 

More U.S. Navy ships get eaten...maybe the sharks are Yemeni. Dr. Clark has a plan.  As The USS King is running away, Clark calls them with her hair-brained idea.  Cpt. Sharp agrees to it and now turns his boat around to meet her in Hawaii.  He'll be of no help, just like a modern day U.S. Navy carrier group in the Mediterranean.  Kristy does what Kristy does best...well, maybe the thing she does second best...she screws up!  Now Williams has to cover for her.  Cpt. Sharp and the USS King do what the U.S. Navy does best...screw up.  Now the Houthis had closed down the Gulf and the sharks eat Mexico.  Still, Dr. Clark has spunk and damn if she will let some stupid skank scientist ruin all she has ever worked for.

Will the incompetent but nubile Kristy have a gratuitous shower scene in this film?  Will Cpt. Sharp have a Captain Ahab moment?  Will Dr. Clark beat the living snot out of the incompetent Kristy?  Fans of films from The Asylum will love this one.  Fans of Eric Roberts and Caroline Williams will love this one.  Fans of the Stanley Kubrick film "Paths of Glory" will love this film.  So go read the Guy de Maupassant novel, and watch "Megalodon: The Frenzy."

 

A Beginner's Guide to Snuff, Deviants Squaring Off

Hey!  Why not?  Let's not judge.  One man's deviance is another man's joy.  Okay, so making a snuff film may not be something you can bring up at parties...bur seriously, is it any more deviant and harmful as vaping, or book clubs, or even using betting apps on your smart phone? Besides, American young men may need a healthy outlet for the feminization they have to endure at colleges and universities.  Today we look at 2016's witty extreme horror film, "A Beginner's Guide to Snuff," directed by Mitchell Altieri.

Dresden (Joey Kern) and his younger brother Dominic (Luke Edwards) are trying to make it in Hollywood as film makers. Imagine this, it's not going well.  Dresden comes up with an idea.  A snuff film! Okay, in Dresden's defense, not that making a snuff film needs to be defended, his plans are to kidnap a babe and go through the motions. He believes if the babe thinks she is actually going to be tortured, raped, and murdered, her performance will be better. At least, that what he tells Dominic.  Hesitantly, Dominic agrees.  The boys do a casting call and select Jennifer (Bree Williamson). She's a babe and we like her.  The boys viciously kidnap her and bring her to a warehouse, display torture tools (including a chainsaw) to her, and begin filming. Dresden wears a BDSM mask and Dominic appropriately wears an Obama mask. 

Oh, Jennifer?  Eek. Yeah.  See, what the boys don't know is that she is a serial killer who cuts off the tally-whackers of her victims. The boys play with the torture tools and she laughs at them.  Still tied up, the babe threatens to murder them.  She mocks them. Dresden and Dominic are alarmed this is not going the way they had planned.  Locked in a warehouse, the duo figure they can keep trying scare tactics. Nope!  Jennifer gets loose, grabs some weapons, and goes on her own little hunt for two more tally-whackers.

What happens in the warehouse is gory and humorous.  We cheer for Jennifer because she is so pretty. Okay, she is a serial killer that likes to castrate, but don't we all have deviances we try to keep secret from others? So let us not be quick to judge. One woman is a reader of romances.  Another woman is may have an attraction to a fellow cheerleader. Another may be a serial killer eager to cut off tally-whackers. Let us try to be inclusive here!" For a witty and gruesome take on snuff and serial killers, see "A Beginner's Guide to Snuff."