Fright, Susan George in Great Peril

Is there anyone sexier with crooked teeth than Susan George? The sultry English actress is a master at playing the damsel in great distress. Today we look at one of these films, though we have looked at several before on this blog. She'll spend the entire film in a slightly tight knit miniskirt dress with some nice shiny black go-go boots. This is the way we want Susan George. To no one's surprise many in this film will try to rip this get-up off of her. To the fairness of the guys in this film, she won't always mind. Our feature today is the 1971 thriller "Fright," directed by Peter Collinson.

Sultry Amanda (George), a university student, is hired by Helen (Honor Blackman) to babysit her toddler son (Tara Collinson). Helen is going out with someone we believe to be her husband, Jim (George Cole). Jim is excited about going out with the beautiful Helen but Helen is apprehensive about leaving her son. Her cavernous old home is isolated and miles from the nearest neighbor. Oh! Jim?  Not Helen's husband. At least not yet. Brian (Ian Bannen) is Helen's husband, or was.  The divorce just went through. Brian is criminally insane and is locked up in an asylum because he tried to murder Helen.  That is...he was locked up before his daring escape. Now he is heading back to the house as Jim and Helen do not know of the escape. Also not knowing of the escape is Chris (Dennis Waterman).  See...Amanda is charming but also a naughty minx.

Chris, to Amanda's apparent annoyance, shows up at the house. Amanda is not really annoyed and soon allows Chris to gratuitously paw and grope her. Unfortunately for Chris, Brian arrives.  Now Chris resembles a hairy blob of strawberry ice cream and Brian believes Amanda is Helen. This won't bode well for Amanda.  He'll do all sorts of awful and dirty things to her. She'll run around in that get-up she's in, though by the time Brian gets through with her it will practically be falling off of her. She'll scream, try to protect the toddler, and then try to use psychology to fool Brian.  Brian gets more and more insane the longer he is with Amanda.  Helen and Jim? They'll be back...you'll see. Ian Bannen is so terrific as the psycho...and alas, he will do all sorts of awful things to pretty Amanda. I guess I already said that...still...

Will Amanda be able to protect Helen's toddler from the madman that has invaded the house? Was intimacy with the nubile but slutty Amanda worth the bloody pummeling for Chris? Will Brian ever be able to be reasoned with or is he just too far gone? Susan George is incredibly sexy in this film and any fan of hers must put "Fright" on their must see list.

Victor Crowley, He Always Returns

The "Hatchet" films, I believe there were three, were terrific. Babes, hunks, extreme gore, and a seemingly invincible slasher...what a great recipe.  The franchise seemingly ended in 2013, but these franchises never end.  With some nice cameos by Danielle Harris and Tony Todd...and the return of Kane Hodder as the fiend, a fourth one was made.  Today we look at 2017's "Victor Crowley," directed by Adam Green.  The babe, hunk, and gore factor all return.

Andrew (Parry Shen) has been capitalizing on his survivor fame for the past ten years.  He is humiliated on a talk show hosted by his ex, Sabrina (Krystal Joy Brown).  Needing cash, Andrew is convinced by his publicist, Kathleen (Felissa Rose) to do an interview at the Louisiana swamp that hosted all those murders. The private jet he is on crashes in the swamp as voodoo incantations bring back Victor (Hodder).  Also just happening to be at the swamp, as moviemakers, are babe director Chloe (Katie Booth), her male lead Alex (Chase Williamson), and the spunky make-up babe Rose (Laura Ortiz).  They will be joined by Victor Crowley gift show proprietor Dillon (Dave Sheridan) who will star in the film.  With a plane down, and the babe Casey (Tiffany Shepis) drowning in it, Victor appears.  

What happens next is so sad...and fun. Victor trims down the movie cast and crew but Rose runs away in time and joins the plane crash survivors.  Dillon has a boat and makes it to the crash site to find survivors which include Andrew, Kathleen, Casey, Sabrina and so many others.  One by one, Victor picks them off in extremely gory fashion.  The howling fiend seems unstoppable.  We cheer for Rose, as we like her the best and pray she will be the final girl.  Final girl? Remember Danielle Harris from the other films? Yep, you'll see her in this one, too. Sadly, but predictably, the cheesecake and beefcake will die horribly... or at least most of them.

Gory to the max!  A large body count!  A sandblaster!  A hatchet! Love in the swamp!  Will Rose emerge as another Danielle Harris final girl type character?  Will Andrew keep surviving these encounters with Victor?  Even though its been seven years, can we expect to see a fifth "Hatchet" film?  For some great gore, very attractive characters, a good dose of comedy, and some hall-of-fame type slasher film stars, see "Victor Crowley."     

Vicious Lips, Space Rock Sheena Easton Style

When was the last time you thought of Sheena Easton?  Okay, the Scottish sweetheart has not stayed in our consciousness as the Post-Modern Era has erased all beauty from our entertainment industry. Today we have vile monstrosities in western music. Madonna is a beast...Taylor Swift is a woke idiot...Lady Gaga is a creation no one wanted...and Katie Perry is a joke we're in the process of trying to forget. With a 1980s budget, our filmmakers today probably could not get Sheena Easton, hence the very lovely and nubile Dru-Anne Perry suffices nicely in our scifi/music/monster feature, 1986's "Vicious Lips," directed by Albert Pyun.

The all-girl band Vicious Lips has a chance to make it big. Their manager, Matty (Anthony Kents) had a deal with babe-promoter Maxine (Mary-Anne Graves) for a gig on a distant planet. The gals have a problem, their lead singer has just been run over by a bus. Now Matty combs the city for a new lead singer and finds Judy Jetson (Perry) performing at a community talent show. He absconds with her and introduces the babe to Bree (Gina Calabrese), Wynzi (Linda Kerridge), and Mandaa (Shayne Farris). The babes are kind of cold to their new and unknown lead singer. Surprise!  She's a hit and Maxine is pleased at the find.

Uh oh...to get to the gig on the distant world, Matty steals a spaceship. The ship is hit by asteroids and crash-lands on a desert planet. What's worse, the cargo hold has a deadly and homicidal creature (Christian Andrews) in it. Now the monster is loose and wants to eat the gals. Matty is sent to find help and is captured by almost naked space sirens...lucky him. Judy has tiffs and catfights with her band members. Now the creature seems to take a hungry interest in Judy and chases her.  What happens next is quite psychedelic and dreamy...just like the music of Vicious Lips.  The monster will be joined in his pursuit of these lovelies, most notably Judy, and now Judy also is pawed and drooled on by mutants on this planet.

Will Vicious Lips ever get off this planet and make it to their gig?  Will a gratuitous shower scene join the catfighting scene to make this the musical movie event of the 80s? Will the Post-Modern Era in America ever end, allowing us to enjoy beauty and art again? This is a fine film, better enjoyed today, with catfights and gratuitous plot devices. See "Vicious Lips" and then go find all the Miami Vice episodes that featured Sheena Easton. 

Piranha Women, Sulty Dames with Teeth in Weird Places

Today we go back to our buddies at Full Moon and Charles Band. Sultry dames, naked a lot, with piranha teeth in their mouths and mouths on their...well...you can guess...but its naughty.  Yep, a plot we actually wanted to see.  Today we look at 2022's "Piranha Women" directed by Fred Olen Ray and starring a bunch of dames that in the day could have been Playboy bunnies!  Do they still have Playboy bunnies?

As our film begins a convention attendee (Houston Rhines) breaks away from lectures and finds himself at a seaside bar. He is picked up by the sultry Shawna (Keep Chambers). She'll bring him back to her place, get naked with him in her pool, and eat his tally-whacker off. A morality tale?  Perhaps. Lexi (Sof Puchley) is dying and doctors can't help her. She goes to a mad scientist who has a new experimental treatment. Right!  Piranha DNA.  Soon, she is a piranha woman along with Shawna and babe Allison (Carrie Overgaard). They lure men home, get them in their pool, or naked in bed, and eat them with their three mouths. The gals treated by Dr. Sinclair (Shary Nassimi) live in the same house and feed on guys from the aforementioned bars.

Uh oh...Lexi's fiancé Richard (Bobby Rice) misses the now missing babe. He searches for her and traces her steps to Sinclair's offices.  Sinclair does not need to be discovered and sends Allison after him. The gals will feast on more men...a metaphor for California girls? Oh, we'll get, thanks to Mr. Ray, gratuitous skinny dipping scenes and blood covered nudity. The cops now believe Richard is the killer and begin following him.  Richard is smart...he figures out the weakness of the piranha women but their seduction capability may give them the ultimate advantage.

Any chance Richard pries Lexi out of the influence of Shawna and Allison?  Is being eaten by the three toothy mouths of the piranha women a desired way to go?  Would piranha men have toothy mouths on their tally-whackers? Okay, silly question. A loose remake of Stanley Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon," "Piranha Women" is a must see if you ever enjoyed Full Moon Entertainment movies.

Shark Island, Bikini Models Shredded

Okay, we have a shark movie.  Yes, a lot of peeps will be eaten by sharks. Yes there is a plot to all this. But most of all we have a gratuitous film about bikini models in great peril.  Many of the babes, Giallo style, will die horribly.  Consider this one the magnum opus of Erin Alvey O'Sullivan!  Sure, some cynics may actually call this one the magnum opus of Poi Haywood!  Who are these women? Bikini babes! Here's a bonus...Michael Pare is in this and he plays a PTSD ridden crackpot.  Today we look at 2024's "Shark Island," directed by Stephen Scruffy Edgewood. 

Supermodel Juliet (O'Sullivan) flies to Thailand to do a shoot with a $10 million rare necklace. Don't ask.  Joining her on the shoot are Thai supermodel Remmy (Haywood), Russian beauty Nadya (Alexandra Merle), and Sky (Zara Dragon). Oh! You'll like this...Sky and Nadya are bisexual. Sharks don't care. Meeting them is local Dinah (Selina Wiesmann), who could be a supermodel, and takes a liking to Juliet. She is a gofer for the models. The models will be boated to Shark Island for the shoot. No cell service there. Zack (Paul Collett) is their security guy, and the security guy for the necklace. Anton (Wayne Han) is the photographer who no one trusts and Bret (Russell Geoffrey Banks) is the safety diver who will protect the babes from the sharks.

Okay...gratuitous photo shoots follow. The bikinis are fantastic. Sky and Nadya will find one another. Paul and Juliet seem to bond nicely. Anton and Bret yell at everyone. Oh!  Hoodlums are on the island and tried to kill Charlie (Pare). Let's forget about this plot device, it really is not important. The gals go goo-goo over this necklace and someone steals it. Who?  Now the babes start dying. Butcher knives, sharks, and appendicitis are rough on cheesecake.  Juliet keeps her coolness and looks great in this blue bikini thing. Sharks don't care...they are hungry. Sharks eat more people and the bikini babes look great posing and dying.  Okay, that's enough.

Just what does the PTSD-ridden Charlie have to do with this plot?  Will any of the bikini babes make it to the end credits?  Just what is the deal with this $10 million necklace?  As far as cheesecake goes, this is the best film of 2024.  For a gratuitous good time with bikini models, Michael Pare...and sharks, see "Shark Island."   

Homecoming Massacre, A Squirm Inducing Family Massacre Tale

We have an uncomfortable one today.  Every character in this slasher film will make you squirm. This won't be an easy one to watch and there won't be much love for it.  Still, it has gore, the taboo, and a hot Asian chick with nothing to do with the plot served up on a buffet of carnage. So come on down from your emotional high and read this review of 2020's "Homecoming Massacre," directed by Kenny White.

Jonathan (Derek Wynn) is a homicidal psycho.  His psychiatrist (Jeff Angel) does not agree. This shrink is almost as wrong and incompetent as Dr. Fauci. See, 10 years ago, Jonathan butchered his mom's (Angela Denton) boyfriend (Dave Charles). He had it coming. The goon was raping her. Then, still on his sugar high, Jonathan butchered his mom. He did not just butcher his mom. He carved her face off, raped the corpse, and ate her. Yeah...this kid can be rehabilitated.  Idiot aunt, Mary (Cindy Maples) thinks Jonathan is cured of his insanity 10 years after the crime. Now she, with no support from anyone else in her family, adopts Jonathan and has him come live with them. Is Jonathan still insane? Is he still homicidal? YES!!!

Jonathan looks even more insane than Anthony Perkins did in the last scene of "Psycho." At risk are the family members.  The skank teenage daughter, Kathryn (Amanda Winston), and the idiot teenage brother Corey (Brandon Benz).  The dad Stephen (Paul Nicely) never wanted this new addition to the family.  Then the friends of the kids including Corey's skank girlfriend Pam (Lisa Kwon) will be thrown into the mix. Snaps?  No, Jonathan does not snap...he just fulfills his job description. Psycho slashers do what psycho slashers do!  What unfolds over the final 30 minutes will not be easy to watch.  Look for twists or reasons to feel relieved or better about the human race...you'll be searching in vain.

Will anyone survive the oncoming massacre that will befall Jonathan's new family?  Is Mary a bigger psycho than Jonathan for believing the Fauci-style shrink in this film? Is the gratuitous nudity of the female characters in this film something that will make us feel better about what we see unfolding before our very eyes?  This will be a tough watch and not the feel good film of 2020.  Given what a downer year 2020 was, this movie is more uplifting than watching Fauci yap on TV everyday.  See "Homecoming Massacre" and feel extremely dirty.

Aquarium of the Dead, Zombie Starfish

Back in the early 1970s the great ocean idiot Jacques Cousteau ranted that in ten years all the worlds oceans would be reduced to black goo. Today, no one even brings up Cousteau's name as the early 1980s came and went and no black goo.  Go figure. The more pertinent warning comes to us from our buddies at The Asylum in this 2021 film sure to warm the heart of all you zombie apocalypse fans..."Aquarium of the Dead," directed by Glenn Miller (no...not that one). Fans of "Zoombies," "Zoombies 2," and "Zombeavers" will want to pay special attention to this one.

A California aquarium is now in lockdown.  A medicine for the fish has been used that causes them to die and become zombies! Yes...crabs, dolphins, octopus, starfish, otters, a walrus, a crocodile, and Mako sharks. As the octopus begins the feeding frenzy, killing two marine biologists, babe marine biologist Karen (Madeleine Falk) runs in and announces something is going on. Yep...the dead are coming back to life. The octopus follows her in and appears to be the ringleader. Meanwhile, Daniel (D.C. Douglas) is a tour guide, a gruff one, and is showing Skyler (Brandon Lee Ward) around, will find themselves fighting off zombie crabs, the croc, and eventually the octopus.

In another part of the aquarium the sultry Miranda (Eva Ceja) is touring a senator (Anthony Jensen) and his babe aide Beth (Erica Duke) around. The aquarium needs your tax dollars and Miranda is trying to get them. Quickly a barrage of zombie starfish attack. Mako sharks and a walrus will also play havoc on this little tour group. In the control room is Clu (Viveca A. Fox) who is trying to get the electronics back on line so she can open all the emergency exit doors. The octopus slimes the entire control room and seems to have it in for Clu. There is another problem.  The aquarium scientists cannot allow the specimens to find their way into the ocean or...well, you can guess.

Gritty reality and a morality tale for our day, this is a sensational movie and one may say the magnum opus for Eva Ceja.  Or, one may not say that.  Will the octopus and starfish ever turn on the walrus and the croc?  Will the senator use the occasion to sexually harass Miranda or Karen?  What is going on at a nearby zoo (this film takes place in San Diego)?  For a great effort by The Asylum, take a look at "Aquarium of the Dead" and wonder if it is a metaphor for our once great aquariums who have now eliminated the orca shows.