Naked Fear, The Hunting of a Stripper

Okay, I admit, no one has enjoyed 2007's "Naked Fear" as much as I have. A gritty and brutal tale of exotic dancer vs. man and nature. Perhaps this is a metaphor for young actresses in Hollywood or coeds at universities...naive meat ready to be picked apart by vicious predators. We do have a nubile stripper...er...exotic dancer...a torture chamber....a rattlesnake...and a psychopathic killer looking to rid the world of prostitution and vice...prude! Directed by Thom Eberhardt, "Naked Fear" is unforgiving and vicious...and what an ending!

Diana (Danielle De Luca) wins a wet t-shirt contest, and is offered a job hundreds of miles away. She arrives in a border town and is blackmailed to work as a stripper (yeah right...dancer). As the weeks go by she is forced to earn more money, and in the stripper world, that means lap dances, sex, and other favors. One night she allows herself to go home with clean cut (not!) Colin (J.D. Garfield). Colin may seem nice but he chloroforms Diana and brings her home to his torture chamber, filled with torture tools, bondage equipment, and an electrical cattle prod. After a lot of torture Colin flies her into the wilderness where help is hundreds of miles away. Nude and beaten, Diana is set loose with a 15 minute head start.

Colin then tracks the nude beauty. I know...you saw this on the Discovery Channel! Battling rattlesnakes and thorn bushes, Diana runs for her life. Colin, armed with a crossbow and a high-powered rifle pursues and taunts. The naked and afraid beauty begins using her brain and makes the hunt a fair (okay, maybe not totally fair) fight. Colin proves to be a horrific monster as we will see him kill innocents along the way, not that strippers aren't innocent.  If you don't like seeing cute kids blown away...don't watch this move. As Diana jiggles, wiggles, and jiggles some more, she begins to develop her own plan for survival.

Does the naked and afraid Diana, and all her jiggling parts, have a shot at survival? Did this 2007 film inspire the next decade of programming on Discover Channel? Is the film's plot too gratuitous to be discussed in polite company? Oh yes, the ending! Wow! This isn't just an ending...its an ending and a half!  For some prurient pleasure and acute violence and gore, see "Naked Fear."

Hang Up!, Ignorance May Be Bliss

Do you really want to know? The secret of a great marriage is that husbands and wives keep secrets from each other. Don't believe me? Hence a short picture from Fatal Pictures, 2018's "Hang Up!" (directed by Richard Powell). I've met couples that claim they have no secrets from each other. I'm smart enough not to say "Bulls***" out loud. Unfortunately for the couple we're going to be talking about in this film, years of unspoken evil and horror will explode into a fiery tragedy which will serve as a bloody lesson (warning?) for all of us.

A butt call! We've all received them, and usually they provide a few laughs...at worst, some embarrassment. Emelia (Astrida Auza) butt calls Gary (Robert Nolan). Emelia is possessed...she's unloading, and is vicious. Gary is powerless to hang up, though he tries, and she has no idea he's listening to her rant. Is Emelia's viciousness warranted?  No spoilers here, decide for yourself. Apparently Emelia had many secrets she kept from her husband...had! As Gary listens, he begins to die in front of us, not literally, of course. Watching Gary sink into an abyss of hurtful realizations is heartbreaking. The cackling and vitriol of Emelia is dramatic (we only hear her voice), but the disintegration of Gary, mostly seen in his demeanor and expressions, is so sad.

This is a 14 minute tragedy so I will avoid much of the diatribe we witness. Uh oh...is Emelia really the villain here? Is Gary really an innocent and somewhat ignorant spouse? You'll see. Remember, Emelia is talking to someone and the 'who' of that question is quite frightening in itself. Then there is the ending. Cataclysmic and fiery...you'll see.

Fatal Pictures has put together a modern day tragedy with stakes so high, it makes us all cringe. Perhaps a bit of insanity is thrown at us in what we hear, or perhaps a graphic chronicling of a decades old horror story...whichever, it gets ugly fast. The performances by Mr. Nolan and Ms. Auza are both heartbreaking and chilling...as is the plot that unfolds. To see "Hang Up!" on YouTube, just click on this link. View Hang Up! on YouTube

Larva, Giant Parasites Exploding Out Of Chests

Giant flying parasites that explode out of chests. I hate when that happens. Never happens at a convenient time. In 2005's "Larva," this is indeed the case. In one instance a hunk and babe are making out in the backseat. He gets all her clothes and undergarments off, the parasite explodes out of him and then chases the mostly nude damsel through a field...poetry!

Parasites are killing cattle in Host, Missouri (where everyone has Florida license plates). Dr. Eli Rudkus (Vincent Ventresca), the town's new vet, shows up for duty. He befriends survivalist/farmer Jacob (William Forsythe) and finds a new form of parasite infecting the cows and bulls. It grows fast, eats the insides of the beasts, explodes out of it, finds humans to do the same with. The town's cattle all use the feed produced by an evil corporation headed by Fletcher (David Selby). As more cows die, and soon...people, too...Eli tries to warn the townsfolk. Fletcher and his sultry lawyer, Hayley (Rachel Hunter) discredit him, and keep selling their feed.

Hayley is useless to the plot but because she is played by Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Rachel Hunter, we don't mind she is in a lot of scenes. Now townsfolk who have eaten beef...everyone...starts exploding parasites. Even a sappy and sweet little kid gets it. Gun nut Jacob, the sad Eli, and the useless lawyer (although quite stunning) Hayley form a trio that has a plan. As the flying parasite population grows into the thousands, and as nubile half-naked babes get infested...and then explode...the trio act.

Rachel Hunter and that Aussie accent makes us all respect those irrelevant characters. Will the flying parasites finish off the town and move to entire state of Missouri to Florida? Is registering a car cheaper in Florida than it is in Missouri? Who will impregnate Rachel Hunter first...Eli or the monster parasites? Will the parasites get themselves a swimsuit model? This is a gory one with many deaths, and some quite heartbreaking. For some great parasite fun, see "Larva," directed by Abram Cox.

Underground, Mad Scientist's Creations vs. Marines...and Army

Think about it...America's fighting force is minuscule. Most of our armed forces don't even carry guns. Here in the Washington, DC area we have a lot of military personnel...most don't fight...instead they negotiate contracts at The Pentagon, or work human resources issues for one of the four branches. Add the fact that all Americans, Left and Right, are starting to see the futility of the wars we've been involved in over the last several decades. America's military, unless a draft is implemented, will get increasingly smaller. Enter mad-scientists! Those noble sorts who can create genetically mutated beings that take the place of human soldiers...yep...that is where we are headed. Hence 2011's "Underground," directed by Rafael Eisenman.

A special forces team is sent to an underground military laboratory to wipe out an out of control experiment. The out of control experiment wins...wiping out the military team. Two years later a rave party (always a good idea at a top secret military base...what could go wrong?) is held on the site of the base. After some Marines and their hot GFs brawl with some locals, the locals chase them into the underground lab. Now Matt (Ross Thomas) and his very sultry GF Mira (Sofia Pernas), a few other Marines and their very hot GFs are trapped in the domain of the genetically mutated experiments.. Uh oh, the drunk rave-sters lock them in the lab and whatever wiped out the army two years previous now sets their sights on the Marines.

Uh oh...the fiends are an out of control experiment.  Genetically altered DNA produced a new being to replace human soldiers...and they have taken over this underground base. They start shredding the marines and a couple of the hot babes. But wait...they avoid killing all the babes because...well, let us just say the monsters have another use for the vixens. As the Marines get ripped apart, and the very pretty Jenna (Christina Evangelista) dies a very gory death at the hands of...well, you'll see, Matt and Mira devise a plan to combat the mutants. They better hurry, their friends are losing limbs, eyes, and intestines at a rapid rate.

Do the Marines stand a better chance than the U.S. Army did? If the mutants capture Mira, what horror will be in store for her? Do genetically engineered monster soldiers deserve love too? All the deaths are gory and ominous. The dark underground settings won't shield you from any of the blood red carnage as intestines and internal organs will be thrown at you without mercy. For some great gore, a horror story devoid of humor, and some great cheesecake and beefcake, see "Underground."

Blood, Vampires...Werewolves...Man-Eating Plants...etc.

Oh, this is too good. Dracula's daughter marries the wolfman's son, and together they grow man-eating plants. Get this...they do not know Baron von Frankenstein and the Baroness are on the way. In one of the best drive-in films about uncontrolled lust for blood, 1973's "Blood" is a gratuitous orgy (redundant?) for your pleasure.

Okay, Lawrence Orlovsky (Allan Berendt) who is actually the wolfman's son, and his wife Regina (Hope Stansbury), yep...Dracula's daughter... arrive at a rented house in the U.S. Their weird servants accompany them and include the beautiful Carrie (Patricia Gaul) and Orlando (Michaedl Fischetti). They help Lawrence with his experiments. The experiments? Yep...a serum is needed to keep Regina from becoming an out of control vampire...too late, if you ask me. In the basement are plants that produce the serum and they need blood to grow...and as they grow they need more blood. Poetry! Where to get blood? Their other servant the hideous Carlotta (Pichulina Hempe) is almost out. This is America and nubile babes practically throw themselves at our mad-scientist while screaming, "Take my blood and ravage me!" You hear this on college campuses a lot.

Okay, Lawrence kills...how? Yep, he turns into a frisky werewolf. Then a beautiful babe appears, Prudence (Pamela Adams) and is instantly captivated by Lawrence. See, Regina is way past her shelf life as far as Lawrence's affections go. Bloodsuckers do lose their novelty after awhile. Uh oh...Regina is a jealous sort and she now sets her sights...okay, fangs...on the very pretty and vulnerable Prudence.  Anyone visiting, or for that matter coming within 100 yards of the Orlovsky house, turns into Regina's snacks.  Now as the man-eaters grow in the basement and feed on Lawrence's leasing agent, Regina gets more bold...Lawrence gets more bold...the weird servants get more bold...and the Frankensteins  near. As the nubile and greedy get their throats ripped out, our monsters may be getting too aggressive to continue going unnoticed.

Will Lawrence's interest in developing a serum for Regina wane as the pretty Prudence enters his life? What happens if a vampire feeds on a werewolf? Is this film a mere metaphor of the continued soiling of young American women by an increasingly perverted European culture? For some neat drive in fun, enjoy Andy Milligan's "Blood."

Killer Bigfoot, Beast vs. Woman

A nubile lass in much peril...but from who? Or what? We have a good one today and I do not want to hear from those of you who disagree! If "O Brother Where Art Thou?" can gain a 7.7/10 rating on IMDB...then we can consider 2009's "Killer Bigfoot" a masterpiece. We'll have a sultry lass battling a femme-Goth (this will be a nice cat-fight), hillbilly rapists, more rapists, Bigfoot creatures, and...well, you'll see.

The governor's daughter Barbara (Anna Kendrick) has a fawning beau, Kurtis (Stephen Sherman). Kurtis is a dweeb and we shall ignore his presence in this film. After a nice cat-fight in which Barbara smears birthday cake all over Veronica the Goth (Vera VanGuard), she sets out camping with all her chums. Camping, that is, into bigfoot infested woods. Bigfoot, who we met earlier when he shredded two great looking campers having pre-marital sex, goes through Barbara's pals like crap through a goose. She gets away and runs right into the hands of two hillbillies right out of "Deliverance." They want to rape her but she beats them up and continues running. They follow...and so does our hairy friend.

Yep the rapists catch up to Barbara...and yep, the bigfoot catches up to the rapists, and once again Barbara is on the run  again. Run Brabara, run! Lucky for her she meets a hunter who brings her to safety...not! Nope, he's not a hunter, he's a sex crazed misogynist creep, Kyle (Don Evans). Kyle has plans for Barbara, and once again she is on the run again through the woods...but Kyle is in hot pursuit with a crossbow and a high-powered rifle...and guess who else is in hot pursuit. Uh oh...Kyle has some surprises and this won't bode well for the nubile damsel in much distress. As freaks of humanity and freaks of nature...and Barbara all head to a decisive showdown, the arrows, hair, and sex appeal will all go flying.

Why does everyone, and everything want to tear Barbara apart or rape her? Could Barbara have benefited from a good text on leadership and communication...or animal husbandry? Just what is Kyle's relationship to this cryptozoological monster? This is an ambitious plot in which nothing is off the table, including cat-fights with Goth-women. For some real fury fun, see "Killer Bigfoot" (aka Fear the Forest"), directed by Matthew Bora.

Bog Creatures, Satanic Viking Berserker Cult Behaving Badly

How many of us in past lives have had to deal with a Satanic Viking Berserker Cult? Exactly...we're all touched by this abomination in world history. Heaven forbid if you were a nubile female and all the male warriors were away from the castle when the fiends showed up. Hence 2003's "Bog Creatures," directed by J. Christian Inguardsan. Oh, the snobs at IMDB give our feature today a rating of 2.4/10. Those idiots who trashed this film actually gave "The Men Who Stare at Goats" a 6.2/10 rating. Please!!!

In A.D. 802 the aforementioned berserker cult raids a castle full of sultry babes. They grab them, grope them, tear off their garments and give them to an evil witch to do with them as she pleases. 1200 years later Professor Feneman (Jeffrey Howard) and his beautiful sister, the virgin Kelly (Lara Theodos) put together an expedition near Amsterdam to visit that castle and unearth the perfectly preserved bodies of the berserker cult warriors who were thrown into the nearby bog. They summon some great looking college kids, most notably Diana (Leia Thompson) and Susan (Courtney Henggeler). Where there are babes, there are hunks, and three will also join in including the super smart Steve (Joshua Park). Without any effort, the five students find the preserved berserkers...but not before Susan strips and takes a shower and Ron (Jesse Steccato) eats her leopard skin panties.

Uh oh, the berserkers aren't keen on staying dead and rise. Uh oh again, the students find a sacked village where Tara (Debbie Rochon) appears to be the only survivor. Now the berserkers are hungry for nubile babes again and they grab Susan. As the virgin Kelly and her professor brother are able to talk to one of the revived berserkers, they hurry back to the college students who are now holed up in the castle. As the invading berserkers again beset the castle looking for more babes (can you blame them?), Tara emerges as a reincarnation of that evil witch, again looking to gut and use the blood of a nubile college student.

Will Kelly's virginity work against her now that she is ensconced with non-virgins, and a berserker cult comes calling for a sacrifice? Will the non-virgin Diana be desirable to the bog creatures...or to Tara's dagger? Is "Bog Creatures" a thinly veiled metaphor for the hopelessness and ill-preparedness of today's college students? "Bog Creatures" is better than any George Clooney film, and the cheesecake is pretty good. For some great European fun in the bog, see "Bog Creatures."