Cemetery Gates, Low Budget Horror and a Tasmanian Devil

All you filmmakers who read this blog can relate. Yep, its probably happened to you dozens of times. You try to film a low-budget horror film in an abandoned cemetery and a low budget genetically enhanced Tasmanian Devil shows up and eats your playboy playmate actress. Don't you hate when that happens? Hence 2006's "Cemetery Gates," which stars that guy from "Phantasm"...Reggie Bannister.

Two mad scientists, Belmont (Reggie Bannister) and the sultry Christine (Aime Wolf) have created a monster...a genetically enhanced Tasmanian Devil. The beast is the size of a bear and is all homicidal. Not knowing this, two eco-activists break into the lab to free the lab animals...this won't go well. They free the fiend and as thanks, the fiend eats them (I know, a metaphor for life). The thing is now loose in the woods as Belmont's son, Hunter (Peter Stickles) brings a film crew to an abandoned cemetery to shoot a low budget zombie film. With him is the pretty Kym (Nicole DuPort) and playmate August (Kristen Novak). Two actors (Chris Finch and Kyle Evans) are also there.

As the filming starts, August does anything she can to strip nude, have pre-marital sex, and smoke marijuana. The fiend? Its working its way to the cemetery eating everyone it meets. As the monster disembowels poor schmucks, Kym and Hunter fall in love and kiss a lot. Now the thing has reached the cemetery and Belmont and Christine are hot on its tail. The toothy menace seems unstoppable and now has smelled cast and crew and it is hungry.

Does playmate August have any shot at surviving in this film? Will Kym and Hunter continue to fall in love as the toothy menace eats their crew? Will our mad scientists be able to offer any help in saving the playmate and others in the abandoned cemetery? This is a gory one and the blood spurts all over the place. Arms and legs will fly, intestines will be yanked out, and heads will be crushed. The actors and actresses offer great beefcake and cheesecake and our playmate delivers the gratuity. For a bloody monster flick, enjoy "Cemetery Gates," directed by Roy Knyrim.

Warriors of the Apocalypse, Babes vs. Zombies and Men

After World War 3, not everything has changed. Men are still pigs! Even the zombies are men...and dead pigs. To be a babe in an apocalyptic wasteland will have hazards that are...well...similar to the hazards babes have now. Hence 2009's "Warriors of the Apocalypse," shot in Erie, Pennsylvania by Len Kabasinski. With great choreographed fight scenes (Kabasinski is an MMA fighter) and leather and fishnet clad beauties, we have another great film containing much gratuity, cheesecake, beefcake, and fighting.

World War 3 has ended...and the wastelands are dotted with a few surviving tribes and a lot of flesh eating zombies. Three vixens led by Spring (Pamela Sutch) and accompanied by Luca (Darian Caine) and Vic (Amara Arielle Offhaus) are put upon by men seeking to rape and enslavement. They pull a fast one and raid the compound and engage in a bloody gun battle and vicious hand-to-hand combat. They win and abscond with a lot of guns including a Gatling gun and Carrie (Renee Porada). Carrie is another blonde babe who recognizes her chances are better with the three vixens than the men pigs! The three also free Harris (Brian Anthony). Harris is quite a hunk...and not a pig.

Harris agrees to lead the four babes into the city. The city is run by dictator Rollins (Debbie D). This tyrant likes to skinny dip with handguns...really. Harris desires to kill Rollins as this fiend murdered his family. Now our four gals and one hunk are pursued by the Seattle Seahawks (Kabasinski, Brian Heffron, Deanna Vusalle, etc). Yes...I said the Seattle Seahawks. Led by Largent, the Seahwks want to slaughter the renegade babes...fishnets and all. The babes (half BDSM half Goth) are quite capable and have a Gatling gun now. Heads will be blown off, zombies will eat a lot of flesh...and perhaps the Oakland Raiders are also in pursuit.

Will our four babes and one hunk find happiness in the city, or will they get cut down by an inconsistent offense and a defense plagued by stupid penalties? Why does leather and fishnets seem so right as female accessories during the apocalypse? Has there ever been a bad movie that has utilized a Gatling gun? The cast is great looking giving this film  high beefcake and cheesecake ratings. For another great epic not to be discussed at book club meetings, or church...enjoy "Warriors of the Apocalypse."

Firecracker, Fighting and Loving in the Philippines

I guess we all have our 'travel to southeast Asia and frolic' stories. A bar fight here, a drug gang there, a prostitution ring here, a back-alley casino there...and even a fight-to-the-death story. A right of passage that tops any fraternity or sorority hazing, indeed. Hence from Cirio H. Santiago ( the man who brought us "Wheels of Fire") we have 1981's "Firecracker."

Pretty Bonny (Carolyn Smith) is murdered in Manila shortly after she uncovers a vicious drug ring. This drug ring also runs an illegal joint which features wagering on martial arts fights to the death. Looking for her sister, the sultry Susanna (Jillian Kesner) arrives. The tall blonde PE major from UCLA and black belt doesn't quite blend and immediately two thugs follow her to her hotel room. Clad in white lingerie, Susanna disposes of her tormentors. Now she hits the streets of Manila asking about her sister...big mistake. Susanna is directed to the aforementioned fight club. There she meets hunk Chuck (Darby Hinton). Chuck falls in love with the California blonde and urges the club to allow her to compete.

Meanwhile Erik (Ken Metcalfe) is suspicious of Susanna as he also controls a large drug cartel in Manila. Chuck vouches for her not knowing Susanna is suspicious that he may have been involved in her sister's disappearance. Uh oh...Bonny does show up dead and Susanna finds out that Chuck killed her. So what does she do? Right! She goes to Chuck's place and allows him to subject her to deviant sex with daggers...really. Susanna will be chased again and the bad guys manage to cut all her clothes off before she fights back and kills them. Now Susanna is ready...she tells Erik that she wants to fight to the death at the illegal club...and guess who she wants to fight?

Will Susanna avenge the death of her sister and if so will she do it clothed or naked? Can Chuck's very satisfying performance in bed with Susanna temper her anger toward him for killing pretty Bonny? Will the naked martial arts action of Susanna catch on here in the States? This is a fun, gratuitous, and surprisingly gory tale of girl-shreds-cartel story. From the Philippines, enjoy "Firecracker."

Death Beckons, A Video Duo from Andy Van Scoyoc

Are you a twenty something or an octogenarian? Do you have an eternal perspective...or a 'death-is-the-end' perspective? Is nature something to be admired and inspired by...or is it an integral partner in our journey on this mortal coil? How you answer these questions might sway how you view two very Bohemian videos from my old buddy Andy Van Scoyoc of Destination Desolation Productions (who isn't old, btw). Both appear on YouTube and can be seen by clicking these links ( A Walk With the Dead and When Death Speaks...Don't Listen ).

Both of these eerie, but strangely comforting pieces involve old mossy trees being riddled with either a slight breeze or a more ominous gale. Ah, the wind through the trees mocking our years on Earth through time. The New Age type music selected by Andy enhances our voyage through "A Walk With The Dead." The old tree may be dying soon (as we may) and it is so accepting of the ominous and comforting winds of fate. Surely a new sapling would have a different reaction. Does the certainty of nature's cycle beckon us and if so, are we honored to follow....or frightened? Again, the answers to the questions in the opening lines may hold the answer to this question.

"When Death Speaks...Don't Listen" may be the mantra of one with the luxury of youth. That's understandable. However, a lack of an eternal perspective may cause us to grab this advice, also. As Andy shows us, the ever increasing wind speeding along the law of thermal dynamics is a way for nature to remind us our existences on Earth are ephemeral. Fear takes over..."it can't end!!!" we may shriek. Those deniers of fate may see a threatening video here where nature...the trees...the moss shaking in the wind...and even the not so bright sun shining through as mocking our desire for immortality. Comforting or not, nature's character in these videos, reminds us that we can't fight it.

Is Andy showing us that we have a guide, spiritual and/or literal that will take care of us through the ultimate transition? The music she has chosen, heavy on chimes and percussion suggest that nature cares about us and won't let us alone. Or perhaps Andy has put together an artsy-fartsy jaunt through a mossy park in south Florida (hey, nothing wrong with that). Either way, my friend has put together two companion videos that will relax and comfort, or unnerve and shake your view of what waits at the next sign post.

Fly Me, Stewardess-Sploitation Galore

Joan Rivers called them 'high-flying hookers.' Fans of exploitation films love them. Stewardesses! The exploitation sub-genre of stewardess-sploitation hit a high in the 1970s with epics such as Ursula Andress' "Loaded Guns." Today we look at 1973's "Fly Me" where these beauties of the airways will be naked a lot, engage in much pre-marital sex, be put in much peril, raped, humiliated, engage in cat-fights, and fall in love. From The Philippines, our buddy Cirio H. Santiago gives us a very gratuitous, violent, and prurient tale of three sultry stewardesses getting involved in much more than they can handle.

Sultry stewardess Toby (Pat Anderson) hops into a cab, strips out of a bikini, and dons a stewardess outfit..."Fly Me" has begun. She joins her two colleagues Andrea (Lenora Kasdorf) and Sherry (Lyllah Torena). Their L.A. to Hong Kong flight sees Toby finding a hunk BF Doctor David (Richard Young). Once in Hong Kong, Andrea searches for her missing BF and gets Kung Fu goons chasing her. Sherry will be abducted by a white slavery ring, be beaten, raped, and sold into prostitution. Toby will continue to romance her hunk doctor.

Andrea, always looking good in a tight wardrobe will be attacked by Kung Fu guys which she will disarm as they disrobe her. Two Kung Fu babes will also try to knock out Andrea. Meanwhile Sherry will be pummeled some more and raped some more. Toby will find ways to get naked with David. As Andrea searches for her missing beau, a mysterious man befriends her, disrobes her, and has pre-marital sex with her. Uh oh, the white slavery ring, through no fault of her own, abducts Toby. Uh oh, Andrea's BF's disappearance is connected to this ring. The conclusion of this epic tale will see all three stewardesses naked and put in much peril.

Will the stewardess mindset of taking care of business help them overcome the evil white slavery ring? Just who is Andrea's BF and how about her new mysterious paramour? Will the sexy stewardess, clad in tight fashionable costumes make a comeback in America's airlines? Gratuitous, violent, and very exploitative, "Fly Me" is one of those films you can re-watch endlessly but never discuss in book club meetings. Enjoy!

Amityville Exorcism, HGTV Does Possession

Seeing that 2017's "Amityville Exorcism" was a Polonia Brothers film starring my buddy Jeff Kirkendall...well, it moved to the top of my "To See" list. What unfolded before my eager eyes was true poetry. Picture "The Exorcism" with a heavy dose of "The Amityville Horror" and a healthy smattering of HGTV's "Fixer Upper." That's what we have today. I know many of you wonder what would happen if Joanna Gaines succumbed to Satanic possession...well...here it is.

Okay, Father Jones (Steve Diasparra) successfully exorcises the dreaded Amityville house. Actually, "successfully" is a relative term...you'll see. Bad news, an industrious carpenter salvages some lumber from the cursed house and uses it to put in new floors at Jeremy Dukane's (James Carolus) home. Oh yes...that carpenter will be executed for hammering his family to death. Father Benna (Kirkendall) takes this schmuck's confession and now knows the lumber has carried the evil to the Dukane household.

Ahhhh...Amy Dukane (Marie DeLorenzo)...very pretty...will grow increasingly ugly as a red demon possesses her. This demon killed Benna's brother and seeks to kill him as well. As the cursed spare lumber, and Amy turn homicidal, Benna introduces himself to Jeremy. The barely sober Jeremy seeks to save his daughter and rid his home of demons. As the red demon gets bolder and more homicidal, Benna and Jeremy form an awkward alliance armed with holy water, a crucifix, and a level of faith which better increase if they plan to defeat the demons. As Amy's spooky dolls become spookier and attack, the nubile daughter grows increasingly hideous and disgusting.

Can Father Benna avenge the death of his brother and save Amy from an eternity of satanic torment? Will the satanic lumber and spooky dolls team up to create a show for HGTV? Will the possession of Joanna Gaines (...not that I'm saying she is possessed...but if she was...) result in back-splash adorned with pentagrams and a rotting flesh Yankee candle in an upcoming show?  The Polonia Brothers and Jeff Kirkendall have given us another winner, so do yourself a favor and pull up this C movie and enjoy.

River of Darkness, WWF Meets Ghosts

I'm not a huge wrestling fan. Unless we're talking G.L.O.W., W.O,W., or Gail Kim, I usually don't pay much attention. However, a bunch of the WWF wrestlers made a movie, primarily Kurt Angle. Say what you want, and IMDB gave 2011's "River of Darkness a 2.1/10 rating, this film and Mr. Angle's performance are better than any of the losers in "The Avengers'...or "Thor"...or "Captain America"...or the new "Wonder Woman." Oh yes...say what you want about the acting in this one, Lindsey Carothers as the babe paranormal researcher is not only very good, her character ends up...well, you'll see.

Sheriff Logan (Angle) has a problem. No one likes him and his personality was purchased at The Dollar Store. This won't deter three evil ghosts who emanate from the fog, the Jacobs brothers (Kevin Nash, Sid Eudy, and Bill Laing). These unfortunates were framed for a rape they didn't commit and murdered by vigilante townsfolk. Decades later, just like that Adrienne Barbeau film, they come back seeking revenge with harpoons and big fishing hooks. Right away they start killing...a waitress is crucified (and noodled...you rednecks will know what that is), and a couple of fishing guys are harpooned and hooked.

The trio desire a good ole boy named Hix (S. William Hinzman) who spearheaded the effort to murder them. Meanwhile Sheriff Logan remains a paranormal skeptic and eschews help from townsfolk who do believe in ghosts. Oh yes...enter three ill-equipped paranormal investigators...two will be shredded in quick fashion but Autumn (Carothers)...well, let us just say she has an interest other than ghosts to be on this investigation. As our ghosts go through townsfolk like crap through a goose on their way to Hix, the sheriff continues to spin his wheels...and Autumn the ghost hunter? Well...you'll see. She is attractive so we pull for her.

Will the three ghosts be satisfied killing the peeps who murdered them and their kinfolk? Will the sheriff develop a personality and maybe make a move on the attractive Autumn the ghost hunter? Will we ever get another wrestling horror story featuring Gail Kim, and The Asian Invasion? This is a fun one and before you criticize the acting, it is better than any performance of Gal Gadot or the fellow who played Thor. Enjoy "River of Darkness," directed by Bruce Koehler.